Podcasts > On Purpose with Jay Shetty > If You Can’t Get Over Your Ex—Listen to This! (7 Steps to Stop Obsessing and FINALLY Move on After a Breakup)

If You Can’t Get Over Your Ex—Listen to This! (7 Steps to Stop Obsessing and FINALLY Move on After a Breakup)

By iHeartPodcasts

In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty explores the emotional complexities of post-breakup grief and healing. He examines why people often grieve not just the loss of their ex-partner, but also the idealized version of that person and the future they had imagined together. Shetty also addresses common patterns of self-blame and the tendency to ignore relationship red flags.

The episode presents practical steps for moving forward after a breakup, including ways to break obsessive thought patterns and create meaningful closure rituals. Shetty explains how to channel emotional energy into personal growth through activities like exercise and creative pursuits, emphasizing the opportunity for transformation rather than viewing post-breakup pain as a sign to reconcile. He offers concrete strategies for seeing past relationships more objectively and creating a new identity separate from previous relationships.

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If You Can’t Get Over Your Ex—Listen to This! (7 Steps to Stop Obsessing and FINALLY Move on After a Breakup)

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If You Can’t Get Over Your Ex—Listen to This! (7 Steps to Stop Obsessing and FINALLY Move on After a Breakup)

1-Page Summary

Coping With Grief and Loss After a Breakup

Jay Shetty explores the complex emotional journey of post-breakup grief, offering practical guidance for healing and personal growth.

Acknowledge Grieving and Let Go Of Idealized Perceptions

Shetty emphasizes that people often grieve not just the actual person, but their idealized version of their ex-partner and the future they had imagined. He advises against romanticizing the past, suggesting instead that people should write down the factual events of the relationship to see it more clearly.

Breaking Unhealthy Thought Patterns and Behaviors

To facilitate healing, Shetty recommends breaking the cycle of obsession by avoiding social media checks and removing triggers like photos and playlists. He suggests channeling emotional energy into productive activities like redesigning living spaces or pursuing new passions.

Shetty also challenges the common narrative of self-blame after breakups, noting that relationship endings are never truly one-sided. He points out that people often ignore red flags due to fear of loneliness or starting over, sometimes mistakenly believing that love should be painful.

Creating Closure and Moving Forward

Shetty emphasizes the importance of closure rituals - symbolic acts that signal to the nervous system that a chapter has ended. These might include writing and burning letters, deleting old messages, or making new commitments to yourself or friends.

Channeling Emotional Energy Towards Personal Growth

Rather than viewing breakup pain as a sign you should be with someone, Shetty frames it as an opportunity for transformation. He encourages individuals to channel their emotional energy into self-improvement through exercise, hobbies, or creative pursuits. Instead of reverting to who they were before the relationship, Shetty advises becoming someone new - someone their ex never knew.

1-Page Summary

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While writing down factual events can provide clarity, it may also lead to overanalyzing or reliving painful moments, which could hinder the healing process for some individuals.
  • Breaking unhealthy thought patterns is important, but completely avoiding triggers may not be feasible or healthy in the long term; gradual exposure and desensitization might be a more sustainable approach for some.
  • Avoiding social media checks can be helpful, but for some, a total disconnect might not be practical or desirable, especially if they share mutual friends or communities.
  • Channeling emotional energy into productive activities is beneficial, but it's also important to allow oneself to rest and process emotions without the pressure of being constantly productive.
  • Closure rituals can be helpful, but they might not work for everyone; some people may find closure through ongoing reflection or therapy rather than symbolic acts.
  • Viewing breakup pain solely as an opportunity for transformation can inadvertently minimize the valid pain and mourning period that is a natural part of loss.
  • The idea of becoming someone new post-breakup can be empowering, but it's also important to acknowledge and value the person one was before and during the relationship, as continuous personal growth includes integrating past experiences, not just moving past them.
  • Encouraging self-improvement activities is positive, but it's crucial to recognize that self-worth isn't solely determined by personal achievements or hobbies; self-compassion and acceptance are also key components of healing.
  • The notion that love should not be painful can be misleading, as all relationships involve some degree of conflict and discomfort; the key is to distinguish between normal relational challenges and truly harmful patterns.

Actionables

- Create a "Breakup Box" where you can place mementos that remind you of your ex-partner, sealing it and storing it out of sight as a physical act of moving on. This helps you avoid constant reminders of the past and can be a symbolic act of closure.

  • Start a "New Chapter Journal" where you document your journey post-breakup, focusing on your feelings, personal growth, and new experiences. This can serve as a tangible way to track your transformation and reinforce your progress.
  • Develop a "Personal Growth Plan" with specific, measurable goals unrelated to your past relationship, such as learning a new language or skill, which can redirect your focus and energy towards self-improvement and building a new identity.

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If You Can’t Get Over Your Ex—Listen to This! (7 Steps to Stop Obsessing and FINALLY Move on After a Breakup)

Coping With Grief and Loss After a Breakup

Grief is a common emotion felt after a breakup, as individuals mourn not only the loss of their partner but also the loss of who they were in that relationship and the future they had envisioned. Jay Shetty provides insights on how to work through this difficult time.

Acknowledge Grieving and Let Go Of Idealized Perceptions

Grieve the Relationship, Idealized Person, and Envisioned Future, Not the Actual Person

Shetty highlights that a significant part of post-breakup grief is for the illusion one had of their partner and the potential of the relationship, rather than for the actual person. Mourning the loss entails acknowledging the discrepancy between the hope and the reality of who one's partner actually was and the nature of the relationship they had.

Examine Relationship Reality By Avoiding Past Romanticization

Shetty encourages those grieving to avoid romanticizing the past, a process known as rosy retrospection, which includes remembering only the positive moments. Instead, he suggests writing down the facts of what actually happened in the relationship, focusing on one's partner's actions and the absence of connection and arguments that often characterized the reality. Recognizing this contrast to the idealized version is crucial for healing.

Interrupt the Obsession and Create Space For Healing

Avoid Checking Your Ex's Social Media or Seeking Closure to Prevent Rumination

To break the obsession loop, Shetty instructs individuals not to check the ex-partner’s social media or seek closure because this may only create new pain and involvement in a story where they no longer play a part. Blocking, muting, or deleting an ex’s contacts, as well as removing ...

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Coping With Grief and Loss After a Breakup

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While acknowledging the grief for the illusion of the partner is important, it's also valid to grieve the actual person and the real connection that was lost, as these were part of the lived experience.
  • Romanticizing the past can sometimes serve a psychological purpose, helping individuals cope with loss by focusing on positive memories before they are ready to confront the more painful aspects.
  • For some, seeking closure or occasionally viewing an ex's social media might be a necessary step in their healing process, as it can provide them with the information or finality they need to move on.
  • Shifting obsessions with routines and activities may not address the underlying emotional issues cau ...

Actionables

  • Create a "reality check" journal where you document the factual events and behaviors in the relationship without emotional bias. This can help you see the relationship as it truly was, rather than how you might have romanticized it. For example, if you remember a holiday as perfect, write down what actually happened, including any arguments or disappointments.
  • Designate a "new habit hour" each day where you focus on developing a new skill or hobby that's completely unrelated to your past relationship. This could be learning a new language, practicing an instrument, or even starting a small garden. The key is to fill your time with engaging activities that redirect your thoughts and energy.
  • Volunteer for a cau ...

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If You Can’t Get Over Your Ex—Listen to This! (7 Steps to Stop Obsessing and FINALLY Move on After a Breakup)

Breaking Unhealthy Thought Patterns and Behaviors

In discussions about ending relationships and the patterns that lead to heartbreak, Jay Shetty shares insights about the unhealthy narrative of self-blame and ignoring warning signs.

Challenge the Narrative of Self-Blame

Recognize a Relationship's End Isn't One-sided and Accept Responsibility

When someone is broken up with, there's a tendency to fall into patterns of self-blame. This often comes with the implication that one person is fully responsible for the failure of the relationship. Shetty challenges this narrative by reminding individuals that the end of a relationship is not one-sided; it involves a dynamic between two people, and both should accept responsibility for their part.

Recognize Ignored Red Flags Due to Fear Of Starting Over or Loneliness

Shetty highlights that people often overlook red flags in relationships out of a fear of being alone or the daunting prospect of starting over. He observes that the fear of loneliness can be stronger than the pain of remaining in a problematic relationship. This fear can lead individuals to dismiss serious problems because the idea of being chosen or being in a relationship, no matter its quality, can feel better than facing loneliness.

Furthermore, getting likes and validation from social media can reinforce staying in a relationship, as it provides a superficial sense of validation. Shetty emphasizes that this fear-based approach to relationships can also stem from the mis ...

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Breaking Unhealthy Thought Patterns and Behaviors

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • Jay Shetty shares insights about challenging self-blame after a breakup, emphasizing that both parties play a role in relationship dynamics. He also discusses how fear of loneliness can lead individuals to overlook red flags in relationships and stay in unhealthy situations. Shetty highlights the impact of seeking validation through social media on relationship decisions and encourages a shift away from the belief that love should be painful. His advice focuses on promoting self-awareness, recognizing warning signs, and reevaluating what constitutes a healthy relationship.
  • Self-blame in relationships is the act of holding oneself entirely responsible for issues or failures within a relationship. It often involves attributing all the problems to one's own actions or characteristics, disregarding the shared responsibility in a relationship dynamic. This mindset can lead to feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and a distorted view of one's worth, impacting self-esteem and future relationships. Challenging self-blame involves recognizing the shared nature of relationship dynamics and understanding that both parties contribute to the relationship's outcomes.
  • Red flags in relationships are warning signs or indicators of potential issues or problems that may arise. These signs can range from behaviors, attitudes, or situations that suggest a relationship may not be healthy or sustainable. Recognizing and addressing red flags early on can help prevent further complications or harm in the relationship. It's essential to pay attention to these signals and not ignore them, as they can indicate underlying issues that may need to be addressed for the well-being of both individuals involved.
  • Social media validation can influence relationships by providing a superficial sense of validation through likes and positive feedback. This validation can sometimes mask underlying issues in a relationship, making it harder for individuals to recognize and address problems ...

Counterarguments

  • While it's important to recognize one's role in a relationship's end, some relationships may indeed be more heavily influenced by one partner's actions, such as in cases of abuse or infidelity.
  • The idea that individuals should always accept responsibility may not apply in situations where one partner is clearly the victim.
  • The fear of loneliness is a valid psychological concern and can't always be easily dismissed or overcome by simply recognizing red flags.
  • Social media validation, while superficial, can have complex psychological effects that are not solely negative and can sometimes provide support and community.
  • The belief that love involves pain is not always mistaken; some people might argue that overcoming challenges together can strengthen relationships.
  • Shetty's advice to shift away from the mentality that love should be hurtful might not resonate with those who believe that some degree of struggle is inherent in all deep connections.
  • The recommendation to pay closer attention to warning signs ...

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If You Can’t Get Over Your Ex—Listen to This! (7 Steps to Stop Obsessing and FINALLY Move on After a Breakup)

Creating Closure and Transition to a New Chapter

Cultivate Closure Through Ritual and Reflection

Commit To a Goal or Connection For Closure and a Fresh Start

Shetty emphasizes the significance of creating a closure ritual, describing it as a symbolic act that communicates to the nervous system that a chapter in one's life has ended.

A ritual can take various forms, such as making a new commitment to yourself or to a friend. This could introduce a change that alters your emotional and physiological state by infusing something fresh and positive into your life, thereby displacing old emotions tied to the past.

Shetty suggests specific actions for facilitating a sense of closure, such as writing a letter that you don't intend to send and then burning it, burying a photo that signifies something you're ...

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Creating Closure and Transition to a New Chapter

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • A closure ritual is a symbolic practice that helps signify the end of a chapter in one's life. It involves intentional actions or ceremonies that aid in letting go of the past and transitioning into a new phase. These rituals can vary widely, from writing unsent letters to burning mementos, with the aim of providing emotional release and creating space for new beginnings. By engaging in closure rituals, individuals can acknowledge and honor the significance of what they are leaving behind while preparing themselves mentally and emotionally for what lies ahead.
  • A closure ritual is a symbolic action that helps signal to your mind and body that a particular phase in your life is coming to an end. By engaging in a ritual, you are actively acknowledging the completion of a chapter, which can aid in letting go of past emotions and experiences, making space for new beginnings and growth. This intentional act of closure can provide a sense of resolution and help you mentally and emotionally transition into a new phase with a fresh perspective and renewed energy. The ritual serves as a bridge between the past and the future, helping you consciously close one door before opening another, promoting a sense of completion and readiness for what lies ahead.
  • Infusing something fresh and positive into life to displace old emotions means introducing new experiences or perspectives that bring joy and optimism, helping to shift focus away from negative past feelings. This process involves actively seeking out activities, relationships, or goals that inspire happiness and growth, creating a contrast to the emotions associated with past events. By consciously incorporating positivity into daily life, individuals can gradually diminish the impact of lingering negative emotions and cultivate a more uplifting mindset.
  • The specific actions mentioned, like burning a letter, burying a photo, or deleting old message threads, are symbolic gestures often used in closure rituals to signify the end of a chapter in one's life. Burning a letter can represent releasing emotion ...

Actionables

  • Create a personalized playlist that signifies the end of an old chapter and the beginning of a new one. Music has a profound impact on emotions and can serve as a powerful tool for transition. Choose songs that resonate with the emotions you're leaving behind and those that inspire hope and excitement for what's ahead. Play this playlist during a dedicated time to acknowledge the closure of one phase and the anticipation of the next.
  • Design a "future-self" avatar that represents the person you aim to become after the closure. Use any drawing or avatar-creation app to craft a visual representation of your goals and the changes you wish to embody. This avatar can serve as a daily reminder of your commitment to growth and the new connections you wish to foster.
  • Organize a "farewell to the past" themed potluck wit ...

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If You Can’t Get Over Your Ex—Listen to This! (7 Steps to Stop Obsessing and FINALLY Move on After a Breakup)

Channeling Emotional Energy Towards Personal Growth

Jay Shetty offers insight into how the emotional pain from a breakup can be a catalyst for self-improvement rather than a marker of loss, suggesting transformative ways to channel that pain.

Use Breakup Pain as Fuel for Positive Change

Channel Intense Emotions Into Productive Outlets Like Exercise, Hobbies, or Creativity

Shetty insists that the pain from a breakup doesn't mean you're meant to be with that person. Pain, Shetty argues, reveals an individual’s capacity to love and to give to others. He advises that rather than seeing the pain as a reason to wait for someone's return, one should use it as motivation for personal growth and increasing one's appeal.

The emotional pain after parting ways with a significant other can be intense and difficult to handle. Shetty suggests redirecting that potent emotional energy into positive activities, such as exercising, exploring new hobbies, or delving into creative pursuits. Such activities not only help in coping with the immediate pain but also play a part in long-term self-improvement and personal growth.

Become the Self Your Ex ...

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Channeling Emotional Energy Towards Personal Growth

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • Channeling emotional energy for personal growth involves harnessing intense feelings, like those from a breakup, and redirecting them towards constructive activities such as exercise, hobbies, or creativity. This process helps individuals cope with emotional pain while simultaneously fostering self-improvement and development. By channeling these emotions into positive outlets, individuals can transform their pain into motivation for personal growth and create a pathway towards a stronger, more resilient self. This approach encourages individuals to use their emotional experiences as catalysts for positive change and self-discovery.
  • When experiencing a breakup, the emotional pain can serve as a powerful motivator for personal growth and self-improvement. This perspective suggests that the challenges and difficulties faced during a breakup can be channeled into positive changes and transformative actions. By viewing breakup pain as a catalyst for self-improvement, individuals can harness their emotions to drive constructive behaviors and enhance their overall well-being. This approach encourages individuals to use the pain of a breakup as an opportunity for introspection, growth, and creating a new, empowered sense of self.
  • After a breakup, the concept of becoming a new self involves using the experience as a catalyst for personal growth and self-discovery. It suggests embracing change and evolving into a version of yourself that is different from who you were in the relationship. This transformation is about creating a fresh identity, independent of the past, and focusing on self-improvement and new experiences. It's an opportunity to redefine your life on your terms a ...

Actionables

  • Start a "Breakup Bucket List" with activities you've never tried but always wanted to, like taking a pottery class or learning a new language, to channel your emotional energy into discovering new passions and skills.
  • Create a personal growth journal where you document not just your feelings but also your daily achievements, no matter how small, to visualize your progress and reinforce the idea of continuous self-improveme ...

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