Podcasts > On Purpose with Jay Shetty > Cynthia Erivo: ‘I Was Working To Prove That I Was Worth Loving’ (How to Finally Let Go of the Need For Approval & Build Real Self-Worth)

Cynthia Erivo: ‘I Was Working To Prove That I Was Worth Loving’ (How to Finally Let Go of the Need For Approval & Build Real Self-Worth)

By iHeartPodcasts

In this episode of On Purpose with Jay Shetty, actress and singer Cynthia Erivo opens up about the ways she maintains high performance while avoiding burnout. She details her comprehensive self-care routine, which includes a vegan diet and regular exercise, and explains how her drive for excellence has transformed from a need for external validation into a pursuit of personal fulfillment.

The conversation explores Erivo's journey of self-acceptance and her experience of feeling like an outsider. She discusses how she has come to view her differences as strengths, sharing insights about finding genuine satisfaction through authentic connection with audiences rather than seeking approval from others. Through her roles and music, she describes creating spaces where others who feel different can find belonging and recognition.

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Cynthia Erivo: ‘I Was Working To Prove That I Was Worth Loving’ (How to Finally Let Go of the Need For Approval & Build Real Self-Worth)

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Cynthia Erivo: ‘I Was Working To Prove That I Was Worth Loving’ (How to Finally Let Go of the Need For Approval & Build Real Self-Worth)

1-Page Summary

Cynthia's Work Ethic, Self-Care, and Dedication

Cynthia Erivo discusses her approach to maintaining high performance through a combination of rigorous self-care and intense work dedication. She describes a careful regimen that includes a vegan diet, daily vitamins, regular exercise, and the use of an infrared sauna at home to manage the demands of her schedule and frequent travel.

Her Drive for Excellence and Rest

Erivo reveals her tendency toward overachievement, often going beyond typical expectations—such as producing a 20-song album instead of the standard 10 to 13 songs. While acknowledging that this drive initially stemmed from a need to prove herself, she explains that it has evolved into a pursuit of personal joy and mastery. Despite her intense work ethic, Erivo emphasizes the importance of incorporating rest into her routine, recognizing it as crucial for avoiding burnout and maintaining her well-being.

Her Journey to Self-Acceptance and Belonging

Despite her success, Erivo shares her experience of feeling like an outsider and her journey to embrace this uniqueness. Through her role as Elphaba, she has become an inspiration for others who feel different, particularly connecting with women who've experienced hair loss and appreciated her confidence in her baldness. She views her differences not as barriers but as tools for creating inclusive spaces and meaningful connections.

Balance Between External Validation and Inner Fulfillment

Erivo discusses the complex relationship between external validation and true fulfillment. She explains that while seeking approval from others—whether from her father or social media—can be tempting, genuine satisfaction comes from connecting directly with her audience. She describes how creating music that authentically represents herself and deeply moves listeners provides more meaningful validation than surface-level praise. This approach is evident in her concerts, where she makes a point to sing to audience members behind her, ensuring everyone feels included and seen.

1-Page Summary

Additional Materials

Actionables

  • You can create a personalized self-care checklist that aligns with your daily routine to ensure consistent self-care practices. Start by identifying activities that make you feel rejuvenated and fulfilled, such as reading, meditating, or cooking a healthy meal. Set specific times for these activities, and track your adherence to this checklist over a month to see how it impacts your performance and well-being.
  • Develop a habit of setting 'stretch goals' for your personal projects to foster a sense of overachievement. For instance, if you aim to read 12 books a year, challenge yourself to read 15 instead. Keep a journal to document the extra effort and the satisfaction derived from surpassing your initial targets.
  • Organize a small gathering or virtual meet-up where you share your personal work, such as art, writing, or music, with friends or community members. Focus on creating an environment where everyone's contributions are acknowledged and appreciated, which can help you connect more authentically with your audience and find validation in their feedback.

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Cynthia Erivo: ‘I Was Working To Prove That I Was Worth Loving’ (How to Finally Let Go of the Need For Approval & Build Real Self-Worth)

Cynthia's Work Ethic, Self-Care, and Dedication

Cynthia Erivo speaks on maintaining a balance between her diligent work ethic and her self-care routine, emphasizing the importance of both for her health and success.

Cynthia's Self-Care For Energy and Health During Demanding Schedules

Cynthia Supports Her High-Intensity Work With Diet, Supplements, Exercise, and Recovery

Cynthia Erivo discusses her rigorous self-care rituals that support her energy and health during demanding schedules. She is selective about her diet, ensuring that she takes vitamins daily and eats well. Conscious of airplane food's quality, Erivo prefers to bring her own meals, understanding the importance of knowing what she consumes. Abstaining from alcohol and following a vegan diet, she has learned what her body can, and importantly, cannot process, notably meat. Additionally, Erivo surrounds herself with supportive people who respect her self-care and workload decisions.

She indulges in exercise, always aware of the gym's location to carry out workouts such as long walks or runs. Erivo maintains consistency in self-care, evident through her daily habits like taking vitamins, having tea, and even allowing herself the occasional treat of Ruffles chips. To aid recovery, she has invested in infrared sauna facilities at home, which, together with her other habits, contributes to her ability to manage jet lag and remain in good health.

Cynthia's Tireless Work Ethic and Commitment to Excellence

Cynthia Strives to Exceed Expectations, Sometimes At the Cost of Her Well-Being

Cynthia Erivo showcases her dedication to her career by balancing intricate work demands such as shooting and crafting her album concurrently. She reveals her tendency not to rest as much as needed, reflecting a vigorous work ethic that may occasionally come at the expense of her health. Erivo admits to being an overachiever, always aiming to surpass the expected standards. Citing examples, she details how she opted to produce an album with 20 songs, far beyond the standard 10 to 13, or how she might invest a year in a project that others would finish in six months.

Erivo acknowledges that her drive for overachievement has evolved over time. Initially driven by hardship and a desire to prove herself, she later realigns her ambition toward seeking joy and mastering her trade for personal satisfaction, stepping away from the pressure of proving herself to others or emulating her mother's accomplishments. ...

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Cynthia's Work Ethic, Self-Care, and Dedication

Additional Materials

Actionables

  • You can create a personalized self-care toolkit to maintain balance during busy periods, including items like a favorite herbal tea, a stress ball, and a journal for reflection. By having these items readily available, you can easily integrate moments of self-care into your daily routine, much like having tea is part of a consistent habit.
  • Develop a "no-compromise list" of personal health standards, such as committing to a certain number of hours of sleep or a specific dietary choice, and share it with your close circle to garner support. This mirrors the idea of surrounding yourself with people who respect your self-care decisions and helps ensure that your environment is conducive to maintaining those standards.
  • Schedule "non-nego ...

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Cynthia Erivo: ‘I Was Working To Prove That I Was Worth Loving’ (How to Finally Let Go of the Need For Approval & Build Real Self-Worth)

Her Journey to Self-Acceptance and Belonging

Cynthia Erivo articulates a profound journey of personal growth, self-acceptance, and becoming an inspiring figure for those who have felt marginalized or different.

Cynthia Feels Like an Outsider at Her Peak Success

Despite her significant achievements, Cynthia Erivo grappled with feelings of being an outsider. She adopted a mindset of belonging whenever she entered a space as a way to influence the social atmosphere positively.

Cynthia Accepted She May Never Fully "Fit In" and That's Okay

Erivo grew to understand that not fitting in can be beneficial, shaping her into the person she wants to be. Initially viewing her uniqueness as a barrier, she eventually recognized it as the reason for her recognition and individuality. She also contemplate the isolation that comes from the fear of abandonment but realized that assuming other people are leaving her would lead to loneliness and hinder genuine connections.

Cynthia's Shift: Embracing Differences to Connect With the Invisible

Cynthia's Elphaba Role Empowered Many, Especially Women, to Feel Seen and Validated In Their Journeys

Erivo mentioned how taking on Elphaba's role empowered many people who felt overlooked or different. Women who've experienced hair loss sent messages appreciating her confidence in her baldness, which gave them strength. Erivo's embracemen ...

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Her Journey to Self-Acceptance and Belonging

Additional Materials

Actionables

  • You can start a personal 'Uniqueness Journal' to document and celebrate your differences daily. Each day, write down one aspect of yourself that feels unique or different from those around you. This could be a physical trait, a thought pattern, a reaction to a situation, or a personal achievement. Over time, this journal will serve as a reminder of your individuality and the value it brings to your life and the lives of others.
  • Create a 'Belonging Box' to foster a sense of inclusion in your social circles. Fill a small box with items that represent your interests, heritage, and beliefs. When you meet new people or find yourself in social gatherings, you can share items from your box as a way to initiate conversations about your background and values, encouraging others to share and celebrate diversity.
  • Develop a 'Connection Cue Card' set to help build ...

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Cynthia Erivo: ‘I Was Working To Prove That I Was Worth Loving’ (How to Finally Let Go of the Need For Approval & Build Real Self-Worth)

Balance Between External Validation and Inner Fulfillment

Cynthia Erivo, along with Jay Shetty, discusses the complex relationship between seeking external validation and achieving true inner fulfillment. Cynthia shares how her understanding of validation has evolved throughout her career, as she reflects on the nature of her work and its impact.

The Allure and Emptiness of External Validation

Cynthia discusses the allure of external validation and its limitations, highlighting that seeking approval from others—whether it’s a parental figure like her father or audiences on social media—can result in emptiness. She acknowledges that people form opinions based on a limited understanding of another's experiences and that pleasing everyone is impossible. She relates to the experience of being perceived as a villain when she contributed to someone’s growth. Cynthia stresses that the fulfillment achieved from within is more important than the approval and praise from external sources.

Fulfillment Comes From Within and Impact, Not External Praise

Cynthia’s insights into the nature of validation illustrate that craving and receiving external validation can be both healthy and unhealthy, asserting that it’s vital to feel good about oneself without relying solely on external validation. For her, genuine fulfillment comes when she connects directly with her audience and sees the emotional response elicited by her performance, which is more rewarding than applause or compliments. Cynthia gets joy knowing she has affected someone deeply with her work, citing its influence on their behavior and life as transcendently purposeful.

Cynthia's Meaningful Validation - Connecting With and Moving Her Audience

Cynthia Erivo wanted to create music that was a transparent, human, and extremely truthful connective tissue to who she was. She focused on pouring all of herself into her music, allowing her creative process to be highly emotional and connection-centered. She used intuitive construction of vocal layers that aimed to evoke emotions rather than adhere to strict structure, finding a natural expression for the music within.

Cynthia Values the Impact of Her Music Over Adulation

Her transition from working to prove something to her father to working for ...

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Balance Between External Validation and Inner Fulfillment

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While inner fulfillment is crucial, external validation can also play a positive role in motivation and self-improvement.
  • Some individuals may find that a balance of external validation and inner fulfillment works best for them, rather than prioritizing one over the other.
  • The impact of art on an audience can be subjective, and what deeply moves one person may not resonate with another, so seeking some level of external validation can help artists reach a broader audience.
  • In certain professions and contexts, external validation in the form of feedback, reviews, or accolades can be essential for career advancement and opportunities.
  • The desire for external validation is a natural human instinct and can be healthy when it encourages social cooperation and adherence to societal norms.
  • Deep and meaningful interactions are valuable, but more casual or superficial interactions can also have their place in building a fan base and maintaining a public presence ...

Actionables

  • You can start a personal fulfillment journal where you document moments you felt fulfilled without external validation. This could be as simple as writing down when you felt proud of a meal you cooked, a workout you completed, or a project you finished at work. Over time, this journal can help you identify patterns in what brings you intrinsic satisfaction and guide you to seek more of those experiences.
  • Create a feedback loop with close friends or family where you share your creations or achievements, not for applause, but for genuine connection. For example, if you enjoy photography, share a photo with a friend and ask how it makes them feel, focusing on the emotional exchange rather than praise for your technical skills.
  • Volunteer for a cause you care a ...

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