If Your Life Hasn’t Gone to Plan — This is For YOU! (6 Step Framework To Take Back Control and Build The Life You Want!)
In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty explores the relationship between inner criticism and intuition, explaining how self-compassion plays a crucial role in personal growth. He discusses the impact of negative self-talk on motivation and performance, and presents strategies for shifting from harsh self-judgment to a more balanced approach that combines high standards with self-kindness.
Shetty examines how accepting uncertainty can lead to better outcomes than rigidly following predetermined plans. Drawing from Harvard research, he explains how viewing setbacks as feedback rather than failures can foster resilience. The episode covers practical approaches to rebuilding momentum through small wins when faced with unexpected changes, and demonstrates how curiosity can reveal new possibilities when original plans don't work out.
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1-Page Summary
Inner Critic vs. Intuition and Learning Self-Compassion
Understanding the distinction between our inner critic and intuition is essential for personal growth. While intuition often becomes quiet when overlooked, the inner critic tends to be loud and harsh. High-performing individuals successfully balance high standards with self-compassion, recognizing that negative emotions like guilt and shame hinder rather than promote growth.
Speaking to oneself with kindness is crucial, as negative self-talk can act like a slow-acting poison. When facing failure, self-judgment increases cortisol levels and diminishes motivation, creating a cycle of shame. The key is to shift from self-criticism to curiosity and mindful observation.
Releasing Control and Embracing Opportunities
Jay Shetty emphasizes that achieving goals rarely follows our precise plans. He explains that holding onto the "control illusion" can blind us to better possibilities. Drawing from Dr. Ellen Langer's Harvard research, Shetty notes that accepting uncertainty can reduce anxiety and improve long-term performance.
View Failures as Feedback; Use Tiny Wins For Momentum
Rather than viewing setbacks as personal failures, Shetty encourages seeing them as valuable information on the journey to success. When major plans collapse, he recommends using micro-actions to rebuild momentum. According to Harvard Business School's progress principle, these small wins can significantly boost confidence and motivation, particularly when larger goals seem overwhelming.
Embracing Flexibility and Curiosity When Plans Change Unexpectedly
Shetty argues that unplanned events often evolve into meaningful experiences, suggesting that growth and progress matter more than rigid adherence to plans. He advocates for approaching uncertainty with curiosity rather than rushing to fix everything. Instead of asking "how do I fix this?" Shetty encourages asking "what if?" This curiosity-driven approach, he explains, can reveal new possibilities and foster resilience while maintaining a sense of purpose.
1-Page Summary
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Counterarguments
- While self-compassion is important, some argue that a certain level of self-criticism is necessary for motivation and improvement.
- Intuition can sometimes be misleading, as it may be based on subconscious biases or insufficient information.
- High standards can sometimes lead to exceptional achievements that might not be reached with a more compassionate approach.
- Negative emotions like guilt and shame, though uncomfortable, can sometimes serve as a catalyst for change and prevent future mistakes.
- The idea that speaking to oneself with kindness is always beneficial may not hold true for everyone; some individuals might respond better to tough love or more direct forms of self-talk.
- The concept of shifting from self-criticism to curiosity may not always be practical in high-stakes or time-sensitive situations where immediate action is required.
- The notion that achieving goals rarely follows precise plans might undervalue the importance of detailed planning and strategy in certain contexts.
- While accepting uncertainty can reduce anxiety, overemphasis on flexibility can lead to a lack of direction or commitment to goals.
- Viewing setbacks purely as feedback may not acknowledge the real emotional toll and consequences of failure.
- The recommendation to use micro-actions to rebuild momentum might not be effective in situations where a complete overhaul or significant change in direction is necessary.
- The idea that small wins can significantly boost confidence and motivation may not account for individuals who are more motivated by significant challenges or achievements.
- Embracing flexibility when plans change unexpectedly can sometimes lead to a lack of accountability or failure to learn from mistakes.
- The suggestion to approach uncertainty with curiosity might not be suitable in all professional fields where certainty and precision are required.
- Asking "what if?" can be beneficial, but it can also lead to analysis paralysis where too much speculation hinders decision-making.
Actionables
- Create a "Curiosity Journal" to transform self-criticism into growth opportunities by writing down critical thoughts and reframing them as questions. For example, if you catch yourself thinking, "I'm not good at this," write it down and then turn it into a question like, "What can I learn from this experience?" This practice encourages a mindset of curiosity and continuous learning.
- Develop a "Setback Strategy Card" that lists small, manageable steps to take when facing a setback. Keep this card in your wallet or on your phone. When you encounter a challenge, pull out the card and choose one micro-action to help regain momentum. This could be as simple as taking a five-minute walk to clear your head or reaching out to a friend for a quick chat about your situation.
- Use a "What If" jar to embrace uncertainty and foster resilience. Write down various "what if" scenarios on slips of paper and place them in a jar. Regularly draw one slip and spend some time brainstorming how you could adapt to that situation. This exercise helps you practice flexibility and creative problem-solving, making you more comfortable with the unknown.
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Inner Critic vs. Intuition and Learning Self-Compassion
Understanding the distinction between the inner critic and intuition is crucial for personal growth and fostering self-compassion.
Distinguish Between the Loud Inner Critic and the Quiet Intuition
The intuition often goes unnoticed and becomes quiet because it's consistently overlooked, akin to a friend who stops trying to communicate when repeatedly ignored. To better differentiate the harsh voice of the inner critic from the guiding whispers of intuition, consider personifying these aspects of the mind with distinct names and personalities.
High-performing individuals execute a balancing act, holding high standards while extending high levels of grace to themselves. They recognize that negative emotions like guilt and shame are not catalysts for growth but rather impediments that block it.
Speak To Yourself With Kindness and Empathy, as You Would to a Loved One
Being mindful of internal dialogue is critical; how you speak to yourself, though inaudible to others, can have detrimental effects. It's akin to imbibing a slow-acting poison. Learning to shift one’s attention from the judgmental inner critic to the nurturing intuition can minimize the impact of negati ...
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Inner Critic vs. Intuition and Learning Self-Compassion
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While personifying the inner critic and intuition may help some individuals, others may find this technique too abstract or ineffective for their personal development.
- High standards can sometimes be a driving force for growth, and not everyone may agree that extending high levels of grace to oneself is always beneficial; some may argue that a certain level of self-criticism is necessary for improvement.
- Negative emotions like guilt and shame, while generally seen as detrimental, can sometimes serve as motivators for change and should not be entirely dismissed as impediments.
- The idea that intuition is always quiet and gentle may not hold true for everyone; some individuals may experience intuition as a strong, undeniable force.
- The assertion that high-performing individuals do not use negative emotions as catalysts for growth is a generalization and may not apply universally; some high performers may indeed use these emotions effectively to drive their ambitions.
- The concept of shifting from self-criticism to curiosity may not be suitable for everyone; some individuals might find that a certain level of self-criticism is necessary for maintaining discipline and achieving goals.
- The notion that mistakes should always be viewed as lea ...
Actionables
- Create a "Critique vs. Curiosity" journal to transform self-criticism into constructive reflection. Start by dedicating two sections in a notebook; label one "Critique" for recording instances when your inner critic speaks, and the other "Curiosity" for reframing those critiques into curious questions about what you can learn. For example, if you catch yourself thinking, "I always mess up," write that in the Critique section, then in the Curiosity section, ask, "What led to this outcome, and how can I adjust my approach next time?"
- Develop a "Compassion Pause" routine to practice self-grace in moments of high self-judgment. Whenever you notice feelings of guilt or shame, take a brief pause to breathe deeply and remind yourself of a personal strength or recent success. This could be as simple as recalling a compliment you received or a small task you completed well, helping to balance the negative emotion with a positive affirmation.
- Use a "Two-Voice Memo" technique to distingui ...
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Releasing Control and Embracing Opportunities
Jay Shetty emphasizes the importance of letting go of the illusion of control and accepting the unpredictability of life as a means to access deeper and more meaningful opportunities.
Goals Rarely Match Initial Plans
Shetty illuminates the false notion that achieving goals follows a precise and preconceived path. He explains that clinging to this "control illusion" can lead us to mistakenly think there's something wrong when life doesn’t adhere to our exact plans. In reality, things can turn out much better than we could have imagined if we open our minds to this possibility.
Realize the Universe's Imagination Exceeds Your Perspective; Surrendering Control Opens You To Unexpected, Meaningful Experiences
He suggests contemplating the idea that a change in plans could be the perfect moment for a reset. Shetty encourages listeners not to give up on their goals even when the path diverges from the planned route. He notes that historically, the journey to achieving goals involves pivots, detours, reroutes, and U-turns—not marching straight down a pre-ordained path.
Embrace Flexibility When Plans Fall Apart
Shetty advises embracing flexibility and adaptability as antidotes to the disappointment that can arise when plans fall apart.
Accepting U ...
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Releasing Control and Embracing Opportunities
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Counterarguments
- While embracing uncertainty can reduce anxiety, some individuals may find that having a clear plan and a sense of control is crucial for their mental well-being and productivity.
- The idea that goals rarely match initial plans might not account for scenarios where meticulous planning and precise execution are essential, such as in certain scientific or engineering projects.
- Flexibility and adaptability are valuable, but without some level of control and structure, efforts can become unfocused and inefficient.
- Accepting uncertainty might improve performance in some cases, but in other contexts, such as high-stakes decision-making, certainty and predictability are highly valued and necessary.
- The notion of surrendering control to embrace unexpected opportunities may not be applicable in all professional or personal circumstances, where the consequences of not maintaining control can be significant.
- While pivots and detours can lead to success, they can also lead to failure or missed opportunities, and the ability to ...
Actionables
- You can start a "flexibility journal" where you document daily instances where you had to adapt to unexpected changes. This practice will help you become more aware of your adaptability and how often you successfully navigate unforeseen circumstances. For example, if a meeting gets canceled, note down how you used that time effectively for another task or self-care.
- Try the "alternate path challenge" by intentionally changing one routine each week to explore different outcomes. This could be as simple as taking a new route to work or trying a different workout. The goal is to see how these changes affect your day and to learn to appreciate the new experiences they bring, even if they're outside your original plan.
- Engage in improvi ...
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View Failures as Feedback; Use Tiny Wins For Momentum
Jay Shetty offers a fresh perspective on handling setbacks and building momentum, focusing on the power of reframing failures and the impact of small accomplishments.
Reframe Setbacks As Information Rather Than Personal Failures
Shetty encourages individuals to view setbacks as valuable pieces of information on their journey rather than markers of personal failure.
View Failures as Steps Toward Success
Shetty suggests that failures are not endpoints but rather steps toward success. They are parts of the story you didn’t plan for, where the real narrative begins. If you're feeling stuck, remember, that's not where the story finishes. Shifting from self-criticism to mindful self-observation can help process mistakes. Observe the situation with curiosity and understand that "This didn't go how I thought" is not a reflection of self-worth but an event that occurred.
Regain Progress and Motivation With Small Steps
When big plans collapse, Shetty discusses the importance of using tiny wins to regain your footing and rebuild momentum.
Micro-Actions Boost Confidence and Motivation When the Big Picture Is Blurred
Tiny wins or micro-actions can create a measurable increase in confidence and motivation, as de ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
View Failures as Feedback; Use Tiny Wins For Momentum
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Counterarguments
- Viewing setbacks as valuable information might not always be applicable, especially in situations where failures are due to factors beyond one's control and offer no actionable insights.
- Some failures can indeed be endpoints, particularly in high-stakes situations where there is no opportunity for a second chance or the consequences are irreversible.
- Mindful self-observation can be challenging for individuals with certain mental health conditions, such as depression or anxiety, where negative self-talk is a symptom of the condition.
- Tiny wins may not always lead to significant progress or motivation for everyone; some individuals may require more substantial achievements to feel motivated.
- Micro-actions, while helpful, might not be sufficient in situations where large, decisive actions are required to ma ...
Actionables
- Create a "Setback Journal" to document and analyze each challenge you face, turning it into a learning opportunity. Write down the setback, your initial reaction, and then brainstorm various ways to interpret it positively. For example, if you didn't get a job you interviewed for, list what you learned about the interview process and how you can improve next time.
- Develop a "Tiny Triumphs" tracker on your phone or a small notebook where you can quickly jot down even the smallest successes throughout your day. This could be as simple as making a difficult phone call or completing a workout. At the end of the week, review your triumphs to see the progress you've made, which will help maintain motivation.
- Initiate a "Micro-Action Morning Routine" ...
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Embracing Flexibility and Curiosity When Plans Change Unexpectedly
Shetty discusses how unexpected changes can open up opportunities for growth and progress, encouraging a mindset of flexibility and curiosity.
"Plan" Wasn't the Point - Growth and Progress Were
Plot Twists Often Lead To Better Outcomes, Even if Not Immediately Clear
Feeling stuck or confused when life doesn't go as planned is a common experience, Shetty observes, which can paradoxically lead to growth and progress. He emphasizes taking moments seriously, but also acknowledges that when things diverge from the plan, they can reveal themselves to be less crucial than once thought.
Shetty shares personal stories about unplanned events that evolved into meaningful and memorable experiences. He argues that the pursuit of control may cause individuals to overlook spontaneous and significant moments. Straying from the initial plan might not hinder progress; instead, it could unfold into a more impactful result. The true point of focus, suggests Shetty, should be on growth and progress, not rigid adherence to the plan.
Embrace Uncertainty: Ask "What if?" Instead of Rushing To a "Fix"
Curiosity Fosters a Purposeful, Resilient Cognitive State, Opening New Possibilities
Shetty urges listeners to approach times of uncertainty with curiosity rather than seeking immediate solutions. When plans fall apart, he encourages listeners to ask themselves, "What if?" instead of trying to fix every problem. He states that happier individuals demonstrate psychological flexibility, managing to embrace multiple perspectives and truths simultaneously.
Focusing narrowly on a single failed opportunity can be a barrier to recognizing other open doors. Shetty underscores the importance of being flexible when faced with plan changes and remaining open to the multitude of ways things can still work out.
He advises leaning into the spark and aliveness that c ...
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Embracing Flexibility and Curiosity When Plans Change Unexpectedly
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Counterarguments
- While embracing uncertainty can lead to growth, it's also important to acknowledge that some individuals may require more structure and predictability to feel secure and perform effectively.
- Plot twists do not always lead to better outcomes; sometimes, they can result in genuine setbacks that require significant effort to overcome.
- The idea that feeling stuck can lead to growth may not resonate with everyone, especially those who experience severe anxiety or depression when faced with unexpected changes.
- The pursuit of control is not inherently negative; for many, having a sense of control is crucial for mental health and productivity.
- Straying from the plan might lead to impactful results, but it can also cause confusion and disorganization, which can be detrimental in certain contexts, such as in professional environments where consistency is key.
- While curiosity is valuable, there are situations where immediate solutions are necessary, and the luxury of asking "What if?" is not available.
- Psychological flexibility might lead to happiness, but it's also important to have boundaries and a sense of direction to avoid becoming aimless or overwhelmed by possibilities.
- Being too flexible when plans change can sometimes lead to a lack of accountability or failure to meet important commitments.
- Embracing the unexpected can be invigorating, but it can also be impractical or ...
Actionables
- Start a "What If" journal to embrace curiosity and psychological flexibility. Each day, write down a situation that didn't go as planned and explore alternative positive outcomes by asking "What if?" This practice encourages you to see potential growth in unexpected changes and helps you become more comfortable with uncertainty.
- Create a "Twist Tracker" to document and reflect on unexpected events. Whenever something doesn't go according to plan, jot it down in a dedicated notebook or app. At the end of each week, review your entries and note any growth, progress, or new opportunities that arose from these plot twists. This habit reinforces the idea that straying from the plan can lead to impactful results and helps you maintain a mindset open to different possibilities.
- Implement a "Peace Pause" into your daily routine to foster resilience and purpose. Set aside a f ...
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