Podcasts > On Purpose with Jay Shetty > Stop Chasing Emotionally Unavailable People (Listen To This To Attract a Long Term Relationship And Stop Wasting Your Time In The Wrong Ones) With Lisa Bilyeu

Stop Chasing Emotionally Unavailable People (Listen To This To Attract a Long Term Relationship And Stop Wasting Your Time In The Wrong Ones) With Lisa Bilyeu

By iHeartPodcasts

In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty and Lisa Bilyeu examine why people often remain in unfulfilling relationships and how to build healthier partnerships. They explore the connection between fear of loneliness and settling for unsuitable partners, while discussing the importance of developing self-worth and recognizing relationship red flags. The conversation covers how people sometimes misinterpret relationship dynamics, such as mistaking inconsistency for excitement.

The discussion also delves into managing relationship changes when partners grow individually, and the work required to maintain connection during these transitions. Shetty and Bilyeu address strategies for rebuilding trust after betrayal, including creating safe spaces for open communication and using specific language choices to foster unity. Their analysis provides insights into relationship patterns and practical approaches for developing stronger connections.

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Stop Chasing Emotionally Unavailable People (Listen To This To Attract a Long Term Relationship And Stop Wasting Your Time In The Wrong Ones) With Lisa Bilyeu

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Stop Chasing Emotionally Unavailable People (Listen To This To Attract a Long Term Relationship And Stop Wasting Your Time In The Wrong Ones) With Lisa Bilyeu

1-Page Summary

Overcoming the Fear Of Being Alone in Relationships

In a discussion between Lisa Bilyeu and Jay Shetty, they explore why people often settle for unsatisfying relationships due to fear of loneliness. Shetty explains that many individuals find the prospect of being alone more frightening than staying with the wrong partner, often due to a limited view of their own potential and worth.

Healthy Self-Worth and Boundaries

Shetty emphasizes the importance of self-reflection when making relationship decisions, rather than relying on others' opinions which are often colored by their own insecurities. He suggests challenging oneself through new activities to build confidence and recommends analyzing how past experiences impact current behavior. Lisa Bilyeu adds that people often mistake relationship red flags, such as confusing inconsistency with excitement and stability with boredom.

The speakers address how partners' individual growth can create relationship challenges. When one partner evolves, Shetty notes, it can cause strain if the other partner expects them to remain static. This evolution requires both partners to be patient and willing to rediscover love with their changed partner. According to Shetty, successful adaptation to change can take several years and requires active effort from both individuals.

Rebuilding Trust and Intimacy

When discussing relationship betrayal, Shetty explains that recovery requires significant emotional work from both partners. The betrayed partner must process their pain and lost trust, while the betraying partner must demonstrate genuine remorse and commitment to change. Lisa Bilyeu shares Jefferson Fisher's strategy of creating safe spaces for transparency, while Shetty recommends using inclusive language like "we" and "us" to foster unity during the healing process.

1-Page Summary

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Counterarguments

  • While self-reflection is important, some individuals may require professional help to navigate their fears and insecurities, and self-reflection alone may not be sufficient.
  • The idea that challenging oneself with new activities always builds confidence may not hold true for everyone; some may find new challenges overwhelming and may need to build confidence in other ways.
  • The notion that stability is sometimes misunderstood as boredom may not account for the fact that some individuals genuinely crave more dynamic relationships and are not mistaking their needs.
  • The concept that individual growth inevitably leads to relationship challenges can be overly pessimistic; some couples may find that growth brings them closer together rather than causing strain.
  • The assertion that both partners need to rediscover love with a changed partner assumes that all change is compatible with a couple's love, which may not always be the case.
  • The idea that successful adaptation to change requires active effort from both individuals may not consider situations where one partner is unwilling or unable to put in the necessary work.
  • The process of rebuilding trust after betrayal is not always possible, and the suggestion that it requires work from both partners may not acknowledge situations where the betrayal is too significant to move past.
  • The strategy of using inclusive language like "we" and "us" may not be effective in all situations, especially if one partner feels that their individuality is being overshadowed by the relationship.

Actionables

  • You can start a personal growth journal to track your evolution and relationship dynamics, noting down moments of change and how you and your partner adapt. This practice will help you become more aware of your growth patterns and the impact on your relationship. For example, if you've taken up a new hobby or changed your career, write about how this has affected your interactions and feelings towards your partner, and vice versa.
  • Create a "relationship roadmap" with your partner, where you both outline your individual goals, fears, and expectations for the future. This can be a visual representation, like a poster or a digital document, that you both contribute to and revise over time. It serves as a shared reference point for understanding how each partner is evolving and how to support each other's growth.
  • Develop a ritual of weekly "transparency talks" with your partner, dedicated to openly discussing feelings, doubts, and aspirations without judgment. Set aside a specific time each week where you both can share your thoughts and feelings about the relationship and personal growth. This could include discussing any fears of loneliness, perceived relationship red flags, or how you've both adapted to changes within the relationship.

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Stop Chasing Emotionally Unavailable People (Listen To This To Attract a Long Term Relationship And Stop Wasting Your Time In The Wrong Ones) With Lisa Bilyeu

Overcoming the Fear Of Being Alone in Relationships

Lisa Bilyeu and Jay Shetty tackle a common issue in relationships: the fear of being alone, which often leads people to settle for less than they deserve.

Settling For Less In Relationships From Fear of Loneliness

Fear of Loneliness Outweighs Pain of Wrong Companionship

Jay Shetty talks about the primary reason why people settle in relationships—the fear of being alone is greater than the pain of being with the wrong person. Many people, especially women, feel compelled to stay in unsatisfying relationships due to the fear of starting over and concerns that their current situation "might be as good as it gets."

Familiarity Is Truth; Mediocrity Is Destiny

Shetty refers to a mindset that familiarity becomes a truth and leads to people believing in destiny. This perception often stifles individuals from seeking better companionships. It stems from a fear of being judged for being with a partner perceived as a "loser," which could reflect negatively on their self-worth, motivating them to stay even when they are unhappy.

Settling Arises From Limited Self-View

Shetty emphasizes that a fundamental cause of settling is a limited view of oneself, which restricts understanding of what's possible. He maintains that realizing one's potential is key to breaking free from mediocrity. Bilyeu reflects on her own past with a toxic relationship and observes how, after breaking free, she found seemingly positive but "boring" traits in a partner unfulfilling.

Conquering Fear of Solitude Through Self-Awareness and Independence

Disappearing Lets Us Hear Our Own Voice and Intuition Over Outside Opinions

Jay Shetty advocates for a period of introspection—such as a "30-day opinions fast"—during which individuals avoid seeking external advice on decisions. This practice encourages cultivating self-trust and listening to one's own voice and intuition rather than relying on others' views.

Platonic Bonds and Hobbies Lessen Romantic Dependency

Shetty ad ...

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Overcoming the Fear Of Being Alone in Relationships

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Clarifications

  • "Platonic bonds" typically refer to non-romantic relationships based on friendship and mutual respect. These connections involve emotional intimacy and support without romantic or sexual involvement. Platonic bonds can provide companionship, understanding, and fulfillment in various aspects of life. They are essential for building a strong social network and meeting emotional needs outside of romantic relationships.
  • A "mismatched relationship" typically refers to a romantic partnership where the individuals involved are not well-suited for each other in terms of values, goals, communication styles, or emotional needs. It signifies a lack of compatibility or harmony between the partners, leading to dissatisfaction, misunderstandings, and emotional distress. In such relationships, th ...

Counterarguments

  • The fear of being alone might not always lead to settling; some individuals may choose to be single rather than be in an unsatisfactory relationship.
  • Familiarity in relationships can sometimes provide a stable foundation for growth and doesn't necessarily lead to mediocrity.
  • A limited self-view is not the only reason for settling; external pressures such as societal expectations or cultural norms can also play a significant role.
  • Self-awareness and independence are important, but human beings are inherently social, and the need for companionship is natural and not inherently a sign of dependency.
  • Introspection without external opinions can be valuable, but seeking advice from trusted sources can also lead to personal growth and better decision-making.
  • Platonic bonds and hobbies are important, but they cannot fully replace the unique connection and intimacy that can come from a roma ...

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Stop Chasing Emotionally Unavailable People (Listen To This To Attract a Long Term Relationship And Stop Wasting Your Time In The Wrong Ones) With Lisa Bilyeu

Healthy Self-Worth and Boundaries in Relationships

The conversation between Jay Shetty and his guests sheds light on how healthy self-worth and setting boundaries are essential for fulfilling relationships.

Decisions Based On Others' Insecurities and Values

Jay Shetty stresses the significance of self-reflection when making decisions about relationships, rather than relying on others' opinions which are often influenced by their insecurities and values. He notes that outsourcing and crowdsourcing major life choices without introspection can lead to choices that do not align with one’s true desires.

Jay Shetty illustrates this by sharing an example where a friend sought his advice on a girl he was dating. The friends he asked labeled her as dominant and controlling - their discomfort reflecting their personal insecurities, rather than being helpful.

We Ask Others Instead of Reflecting Inward About Relationships

Shetty warns against following societal norms or simply relying on other's advice without reflecting on what one truly wants in a relationship. He underscores the importance of asking the right questions to oneself, like functions of love display or support preferences during tough times, in order to avoid misunderstandings rooted in projecting one's needs onto others or measuring a new relationship by the standards of ex-partners.

Mistake Excitement For Inconsistency, Stability For Boredom, Leading To Wrong Partner Traits

Lisa Bilyeu raises a point about repeatedly choosing the wrong partners, suggesting people confuse inconsistency with excitement and stability with boredom. Shetty adds that effort is seen as desperation, and mere attention is mistaken for love, which might lead people to pursue those who don’t reciprocate interest rather than someone who consistently shows care.

Developing Self-Worth: Challenge Yourself, Acknowledge Strengths and Weaknesses, Define Values

Jay Shetty advises challenging oneself with new activities, such as workouts or language courses, to build self-esteem. By succeeding at these tasks, individuals gain confidence in their abilities. Additionally, Shetty emphasizes that analyzing how past experiences impact current behavior is vital for personal growth. He str ...

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Healthy Self-Worth and Boundaries in Relationships

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Counterarguments

  • While self-reflection is important, external perspectives can sometimes offer valuable insights that individuals may overlook due to their own biases.
  • Outsourcing decisions can be a way to gather diverse perspectives and may lead to more informed choices when done judiciously.
  • Societal norms can sometimes provide a stable framework for relationships, offering guidance where personal experience may be lacking.
  • Some individuals may genuinely find excitement in inconsistency and prefer dynamic relationships over stable ones.
  • Effort and attention can be interpreted differently by different people, and what might seem like desperation to one might be perceived as genuine care by another.
  • Self-esteem built on external achievements like workouts or language courses might not address deeper issues of self-worth that stem from internal beliefs.
  • Personal growth can sometimes be achieved without the need to analyze past experiences, as some individuals may prefer to focus on the present and future.
  • Feedback fr ...

Actionables

  • Create a 'decision diary' to track your choices in relationships, noting the influence behind each decision and how it aligns with your values. By regularly reviewing this diary, you can identify patterns in your decision-making process and adjust to ensure future choices are more authentically yours. For example, if you notice you often date people who your friends approve of rather than those you feel a genuine connection with, you might decide to trust your judgment more.
  • Develop a 'relationship roadmap' that outlines your personal needs and expectations in a partner, separate from societal norms. Use this as a guide when evaluating potential partners, focusing on how they align with your roadmap rather than external opinions. For instance, if your roadmap emphasizes intellectual connection but society values physical attraction, prioritize finding someone who stimulates your mind.
  • Engage in a monthly ...

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Stop Chasing Emotionally Unavailable People (Listen To This To Attract a Long Term Relationship And Stop Wasting Your Time In The Wrong Ones) With Lisa Bilyeu

Navigating Change and Growth in Long-Term Relationships

In discussing the complexities of long-term relationships, Lisa Bilyeu and Jay Shetty address the dynamics of partners growing and changing over time, which can create challenges and necessitate adjustment.

Couples Often Struggle When Partners Grow Differently

Lisa Bilyeu raises the issue of how one partner's value shift over time can make the other partner attempt to "fix" them to revert to the initial person they fell in love with. Jay Shetty further elaborates that as one's identity evolves, it can cause strain, especially if their partner wants them to remain static.

Guilt in Partner's Growth; Betrayal in Change

The conversation reveals that when a person no longer wants to play a role they once did, it can provoke grief for both individuals. The one changing mourns their former self, while the other grieves the loss of the partner they loved. This requires reconciling these changes, with the changing individual trying to evolve and the partner determining if they can accept and like the evolved individual.

Shetty notes that change requires understanding whether the partner wants to change and how. Partners might initially avoid discussing change due to feeling overwhelmed. During disagreements, couples often aren't actually arguing about the surface issue but rather about underlying issues such as love and validation. Shetty encourages couples to focus on what the argument is really about and how they can transition and handle changes, including resolving conflicts and managing change successfully.

Relationships Endure Changes Through Understanding, Flexibility, and Future Commitment

Shetty suggests that when both partners agree and are content with their life direction, they share a healthy, comfortable bond. They should discuss changes rather than setting arbitrary timelines or rules and understand that partners must adapt to each other's personal growth.

Couples Should Agree On Discussing Changes, Not Setting Arbitrary Timelines or Rules

The speakers highlight the risks when one partner feels complacent while the other is content. A "relationship audit" can help reveal each partner's contributions, offering strength and confi ...

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Navigating Change and Growth in Long-Term Relationships

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Counterarguments

  • While adapting to change is important, it's also valid for individuals to have non-negotiable values or boundaries that they are not willing to adjust.
  • The concept of a "relationship audit" might be too transactional for some, as it could reduce the emotional aspects of a relationship to a mere exchange of contributions.
  • The idea that partners should always be willing to fall in love with who their partner has become might not account for situations where the changes are fundamentally incompatible with one's values or needs.
  • The timeframe of three to seven years for adapting to a partner's growth is not a one-size-fits-all; some individuals or couples may require more or less time.
  • The emphasis on constant adaptability could potentially lead to one partner consistently compromising their own growth or happiness for the sake of the relationship.
  • The notion that disagreements often stem from underlying issues like love and validation might not always hold true; some disagreements may be genuinely about surface-level issues or practical concerns.
  • The idea that failure to adapt may lead to the ...

Actionables

  • Create a "change journal" to document and reflect on personal growth and its impact on your relationship. Start by writing down any new interests, beliefs, or goals you've noticed in yourself or your partner each week. Reflect on how these changes make you feel and how they might be influencing your relationship dynamics. This practice can help you become more aware of the evolution occurring within both of you and foster a mindset of acceptance and curiosity rather than resistance.
  • Develop a "new traditions" ritual where you and your partner introduce activities that align with your current identities. Once a month, take turns suggesting a new activity that reflects a change in either of you. For example, if one of you has developed an interest in environmental sustainability, you might decide to start a tradition of volunteering together at a local conservation project. This can help both partners feel valued for who they are now and create shared experiences that reinforce your evolving bond.
  • Initiate a "growth pact" with your partner, where you both commi ...

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Stop Chasing Emotionally Unavailable People (Listen To This To Attract a Long Term Relationship And Stop Wasting Your Time In The Wrong Ones) With Lisa Bilyeu

Rebuilding Trust and Intimacy After Breach

Rebuilding trust and intimacy after a betrayal is a process that requires patience, introspection, communication, and a collaborative mindset from both partners. Jay Shetty and Lisa Bilyeu provide insight into how couples can navigate this challenging journey.

Recovering From Infidelity or a Breach of Trust Requires Patience and Introspection From Both Partners

Successful recovery from a betrayal, such as infidelity or addiction, demands significant emotional work from both individuals involved.

Betrayed Partners Must Process Pain, Memories, and Lost Trust

Shetty emphasizes that the betrayed partner must grapple with the pain and betrayal, and it's important to process these feelings personally. Whether it's dealing with a partner's addiction to porn or another form of infidelity, the betrayed partner is confronted with troubling memories and trust issues that can resurface repeatedly. Shetty notes that recovery involves more than just the possibility of reconciliation; it also relies on the betrayed partner's tolerance for the memories and pain that the betrayal has caused.

Betraying Partner Must Show Remorse, Commitment to Change, and Understand Partner's Healing

For the betraying partner, Shetty mentions the necessity for demonstrable remorse and a sincere commitment to overcoming their issues, such as addiction, and changing behavior. They also must address their own shame and guilt, recognizing the need for change and being willing to work through their pain. A central part of the healing process for the betraying partner is understanding and respecting their partner's journey towards healing.

Rebuilding Trust Is a Gradual, Collaborative Process, Not a One-time Decision

The process of rebuilding trust and intimacy involves establishing clear boundaries, maintaining open communication, and practicing accountability.

Couples Must Establish Boundaries, Communicate, and Be Accountable to Rebuild Intimacy

Shetty stresses that rebuilding trust is not about setting forgiveness deadlines, but rather about continuous communication and cooperation on the terms of reconciliation. Both partners must engage in an ongoing dialogue regarding the healing process, which includes deciding how to handle discussions about the breach, possibly within therapy settings. Both individuals must willingly participate in the decision to restore trust, rather than having one partner forgive unilaterally.

Lisa Bilyeu shares a strategy from Jefferson Fisher about creating a sa ...

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Rebuilding Trust and Intimacy After Breach

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Counterarguments

  • While processing pain and memories is important, some individuals may find that focusing too much on the past can hinder their ability to move forward. Alternative healing methods may emphasize the future or present rather than past events.
  • The expectation for the betraying partner to show remorse and commitment to change may not always be realistic, as some individuals may not be capable of or interested in making the necessary changes.
  • Suggesting that rebuilding trust is a collaborative process assumes both partners are equally invested in repairing the relationship, which may not always be the case.
  • The idea of establishing boundaries and maintaining open communication assumes that both partners have the communication skills and emotional intelligence to do so effectively, which may not be true for everyone.
  • The concept of releasing the past and embracing the present might not acknowledge the complexity of trauma and how it can affect one's ability to simply let go of past events.
  • Using inclusive language like "us" and "we" can be beneficial, but it may also pressure individuals to feel a sense of unit ...

Actionables

- Create a 'relationship roadmap' with your partner to visualize your journey of rebuilding trust, marking milestones like discussions, therapy sessions, or moments of forgiveness, and update it regularly to reflect progress and setbacks.

  • By visualizing the process, you can both see how far you've come and what steps lie ahead, making the journey feel more tangible. For example, after a significant conversation about trust, you might add a symbol or note to the roadmap, creating a visual representation of improvement and effort.
  • Start a 'healing jar' where both partners can write down their feelings, concerns, or moments of progress on slips of paper and place them in the jar, to be read together during dedicated 'healing time' each week.
  • This activity allows for a safe space to express emotions without immediate confrontation, and the act of reading these together can foster understanding and empathy. For instance, if one partner is feeling particularly hurt or grateful on a given day, they can express this in writing to be shared and acknowledged during a time when both partners are prepared to listen and support each other.
  • Develop a custom 'intimacy playlist' that inclu ...

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