Jay's Must- Listens: Before You Text Your Ex… Listen to This! 5 Love Experts Share the SECRET to Let Go and Move On (Ft. Esther Perel, Mel Robbins, & Matthew Hussey)
In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty and several relationship experts explore the science and psychology of breakups. The discussion examines how breakups affect both mind and body, comparing the brain's response to relationship loss with drug withdrawal symptoms. The experts explain how individuals mourn not only the loss of their partner but also the future they had imagined, while often struggling with feelings of unworthiness.
The conversation delves into relationship dynamics that lead to breakups, including how couples project their beliefs onto partners and handle differences in daily habits. The experts address common misconceptions about seeking closure from ex-partners and outline practical approaches to healing, such as working with accountability partners. They also examine how surface-level conflicts often mask deeper issues about trust, power, and respect in relationships.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the May 7, 2025 episode of the On Purpose with Jay Shetty
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1-Page Summary
The Emotional and Psychological Impact of a Breakup
Breaking up triggers profound emotional and physical responses that affect both our mental state and bodily functions. According to Jay Shetty, the brain regions activated during a breakup are similar to those activated during drug withdrawal, explaining why people often experience intense cravings for their ex-partner and obsessively monitor their social media.
Esther Perel explains that breakups involve mourning not just the person, but also the future that will never be. This loss of potential futures, combined with what Matthew Hussey describes as deep feelings of unworthiness, can make even basic daily activities feel like significant achievements.
Healing and Moving Forward After a Breakup
The healing process after a breakup isn't linear, as Jay Shetty points out, with individuals often oscillating between wanting their ex back and critically examining what went wrong. Lori Gottlieb emphasizes the importance of understanding these emotional wounds while maintaining hope for future relationships.
While many seek closure from their ex-partners, Shetty and Hussey both warn that this pursuit is often futile, as ex-partners rarely provide the understanding or answers we seek. Instead, Stephan Speaks advocates for focusing on personal growth and healing, suggesting that working with an accountability partner - whether a friend, coach, or therapist - can help maintain progress during recovery.
Relationship Dynamics and Communication Patterns Contributing To Breakups
Jay Shetty illustrates how couples often project their own beliefs and "operating systems" onto their partners, using an example of different dishwashing habits to show how seemingly minor differences can lead to larger conflicts. Esther Perel builds on this, explaining that surface-level arguments often mask deeper issues about power, trust, respect, and recognition.
According to Perel, successful relationships require partners to let each other's differences influence them positively, viewing this not as a compromise of identity but as an expansion of their worldview. When couples fail to address their underlying fears and needs, or when one partner refuses to work on the relationship, Stephan notes that separation may become inevitable.
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Clarifications
- The comparison between the brain regions activated during a breakup and those activated during drug withdrawal suggests that both experiences can trigger intense emotional responses and cravings. This similarity implies that the brain processes involved in attachment and addiction may overlap, contributing to the difficulty of moving on from a past relationship. The analogy highlights the profound impact of breakups on the brain's reward and motivation systems, shedding light on the powerful nature of romantic attachments and the challenges of breaking those emotional bonds.
- The loss of potential futures after a breakup refers to the emotional impact of realizing that the plans and dreams you had envisioned with your partner will no longer come to fruition. It involves mourning not just the person but also the life you had imagined together, such as marriage, children, shared experiences, and growing old together. This loss can be profound as it represents the end of a future that you had invested in emotionally and mentally. It can lead to feelings of grief, disappointment, and a sense of starting over in terms of envisioning your life ahead without the person you had planned it with.
- Feelings of unworthiness after a breakup can stem from a sense of rejection or failure in the relationship. Individuals may internalize the breakup as a reflection of their self-worth, leading to feelings of inadequacy or not being good enough. This can impact their confidence and self-esteem, making it challenging to engage in daily activities or envision a positive future. Seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist can help address these feelings and work towards rebuilding self-worth.
- After a breakup, individuals may find themselves fluctuating between desiring to reconcile with their ex-partner and reflecting on the reasons for the relationship's end. This emotional back-and-forth can involve moments of longing for the past connection while also engaging in a critical analysis of the issues that led to the breakup. It's a common experience where one may feel torn between the comfort of familiarity and the need to understand and learn from the relationship's challenges before moving forward. This process of oscillation reflects the internal conflict between holding onto the past and seeking clarity and growth for the future.
- Seeking closure from ex-partners is often futile because ex-partners may not provide the understanding or answers we seek. Closure is an internal process that individuals must achieve on their own, rather than relying on external validation. It is essential to focus on personal growth and healing independently, rather than seeking resolution from past relationships. Working with an accountability partner, such as a friend, coach, or therapist, can aid in this process of self-discovery and moving forward.
- An accountability partner is someone who supports and motivates you to achieve your goals, providing encouragement and holding you responsible for your actions. In the context of recovery after a breakup, this person helps you stay focused on healing and personal growth, offering a non-judgmental space for reflection and progress. They can be a friend, coach, or therapist who checks in on your well-being, helps you set realistic objectives, and holds you accountable for taking steps towards emotional recovery. This partnership aims to provide structure, guidance, and a sense of accountability during a challenging period, fostering resilience and aiding in the process of moving forward after a breakup.
- Couples projecting their beliefs and habits onto their partners means that individuals often assume their own perspectives, values, and ways of doing things are the norm or the "right" way, and they expect their partners to align with these without explicit communication. This can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts when partners have different approaches or preferences. It's a common phenomenon where one person unconsciously expects the other to think, feel, or act in a certain way based on their own mindset, potentially causing tension in the relationship. Understanding and addressing these projections can help couples navigate differences and improve communication and mutual understanding.
- Surface-level arguments in relationships are minor disagreements that often stem from more significant underlying issues such as power dynamics, trust issues, respect, or unmet emotional needs. These superficial conflicts can act as a cover for deeper, more complex problems within the relationship that may not be immediately apparent. It's essential for couples to address these underlying issues to foster a healthier and more fulfilling relationship. Failure to resolve these deeper issues can lead to ongoing conflicts and potentially contribute to the breakdown of the relationship.
- In successful relationships, partners positively influencing each other's differences means that they embrace and learn from each other's unique perspectives and qualities. This mutual influence allows each partner to grow and expand their understanding of the world. It involves respecting and valuing each other's differences, seeing them as opportunities for personal and relational growth. Ultimately, this dynamic fosters a deeper connection and a more enriching partnership.
Counterarguments
- While breakups can trigger responses similar to drug withdrawal, not everyone experiences the same intensity of emotions, and some may recover more quickly without such profound effects.
- Not all individuals will obsessively monitor their ex-partner's social media; some may choose to disconnect entirely or handle their curiosity in a controlled manner.
- While many people mourn the loss of a potential future, others may feel relief or a sense of freedom after a breakup, focusing on the new opportunities available to them.
- Feelings of unworthiness are common but not universal; some individuals may feel confident in their self-worth and view the breakup as a reflection of incompatibility rather than personal inadequacy.
- The idea that seeking closure is often futile may not hold true for everyone; some individuals may find peace or understanding through final conversations or interactions with their ex-partner.
- Personal growth and healing are important, but the role of an accountability partner may not be necessary or beneficial for everyone; some may prefer to navigate their healing journey independently.
- The concept that couples project their beliefs and habits onto each other may not apply to all relationships; some partners may be very aware and respectful of their differences from the outset.
- The assertion that minor differences can lead to larger conflicts might be oversimplified, as healthy communication and mutual respect can often prevent such escalation.
- While successful relationships may benefit from partners positively influencing each other, it's also important to maintain individuality and not lose oneself in the process of accommodating the other.
- The idea that failure to address underlying fears and needs can lead to separation might not consider that some relationships end despite both partners' efforts to work through their issues, due to fundamental incompatibilities or external circumstances.
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The Emotional and Psychological Impact of a Breakup
Breakups are known to be heart-wrenching experiences that trigger profound emotional and psychological effects, from feelings of grief and unworthiness to physical symptoms akin to drug withdrawal.
Breakups Can Be Painful, Causing Grief and Unworthiness
During a breakup, individuals often traverse the stages of grief, which can include denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. These feelings emerge out of not only the loss of present intimacy but also the demise of a future once envisioned with an ex-partner. Gottlieb addresses the pain of recognizing incompatibility with an ex-partner, while emphasizing the importance of remaining open to love in the future. Additionally, Hussey reflects on the deep sense of inadequacy heartbreak can inflict, leading one to question their worthiness and existence.
Breakups Trigger Brain Regions Linked To Physical Pain and Drug Withdrawal, Causing Cravings and Obsession With an Ex-partner
Jay Shetty explains that the same regions of the brain associated with detoxing from an addictive substance like cocaine are activated during a breakup. This means that people may experience a craving for their ex, driving obsessive behaviors such as monitoring their ex's social media or mulling over past interactions. Shetty also explains that parts of the brain linked to physical pain are stimulated, which accounts for the sensation commonly described as a 'broken heart'.
Losing a Relationship Means Losing a Future and Identity, Causing Profound Emotional Upheaval
Perel articulates that with the loss of a relationship, one also faces the loss of the possibilities that were never realized. This breed of grief is rooted in the choices not made, the high hopes that fell flat, mistakes made, or regrets over not leaving earlier. Robbins adds that after a breakup, there's often a fear of being unlovable, a loathing of oneself, and an anxiety about the possibility of an ex-partner finding happiness with someone new.
This loss is not only about the person but also about the life you expected to have, the version of yourself that existed in that relationship, and the future ...
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The Emotional and Psychological Impact of a Breakup
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While breakups often trigger profound emotional and psychological effects, not all individuals experience them with the same intensity; some may recover more quickly or feel relief after ending an unhealthy relationship.
- Feelings of grief and unworthiness are common, but they are not universal; some individuals may feel empowered or liberated after a breakup.
- The comparison of breakups to drug withdrawal may not resonate with everyone, as the subjective experience of a breakup can vary greatly from person to person.
- Not everyone develops cravings or an obsession with an ex-partner; some individuals may instead feel a sense of closure or disinterest.
- While losing a relationship can mean losing a future and identity for some, others may view it as an opportunity for personal growth and the development of a new, independent identity.
- The loss of possibilities and unfulfilled expectations can be a source of grief, but it can also be seen as a chance to create new opportunities and set different life goals.
- The fear of being unlovable and anxiety about an ex-partner finding happiness with someone new are not inevitable; some individuals may feel confident in their own worth and hopeful about their own prospects for happiness.
- The idea that brea ...
Actionables
- Create a breakup recovery journal to process emotions and track progress, writing down daily reflections on feelings, the reasons for the breakup, and personal growth. This can help you acknowledge the pain while also recognizing the potential benefits of the breakup, such as escaping an unfulfilling life. For example, you might write about the sadness you feel one day, but also note how you've taken steps towards a new hobby or interest that you couldn't pursue before.
- Develop a "future-self" visualization practice where you spend a few minutes each day imagining your life in the future, post-recovery. Focus on visualizing yourself as happy and fulfilled without your ex-partner. This can help in dealing with the loss of the imagined future with your ex and reinforce the idea that you can find happiness independently. You might visualize simple scenarios like enjoying a coffee alone in a café, feeling content, or achieving a personal goal that's important to you. ...
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Healing and Moving Forward After a Breakup
Jay Shetty and Stephan Speaks, along with other thought leaders, delve into the complexities of healing after a breakup, shedding light on the value of feeling pain, seeking personal growth over winning back an ex, and the often futile pursuit of closure.
Grieving Is Messy and Non-linear, but It's Important to Fully Feel and Express It
Jay Shetty acknowledges that healing from a breakup is a deeply personal and non-linear process. He describes how individuals can alternate between wishing their ex would return and reflecting critically on what went wrong. It’s essential, as Shetty points out, to allow oneself to fully feel the range of painful emotions that accompany the end of a relationship.
Similarly, therapist Lori Gottlieb stresses the importance of understanding the emotional wounds a breakup causes and learning from the experience. This involves not only acknowledging the pain but also moving into new relationships with hope and caution.
Matthew Hussey employs the metaphor of turning oneself from being a victim of pain to a beneficiary of the gifts that pain brings. He underscores having compassion for oneself and recognizing the difficulty of the situation, while also suggesting the importance of personal growth for the future.
Mel Robbins suggests a practical approach with a 30-day detox, to allow grieving in a healthy manner, while also facing reality and learning to let go.
Seeking Closure From an Ex Is Often Futile, as They May Not Offer Desired Answers
Shetty addresses the chase for closure, noting that it often leads to frustration, as the desired answers or understanding rarely come from the ex-partner. Hussey echoes this sentiment by explaining that the pursuit of closure is typically fruitless, especially since someone’s decision to leave often means they do not fully see, accept, or want you.
Issues may stem from one partner's past traumas—underlying problems that can make the relationship seem good on the surface, yet lead to sabotage. Robbins reinforces the idea that seeking closure by holding onto the past, such as by revisiting old messages or photos, is counterproductive, preventing one from moving forward.
Prioritize Personal Growth and Healing Over Winning Back an Ex
Hussey advises against the post-breakup trap of self-blame, recommending individuals view this period as an opportunity for growth rather than fixating on what failed within the relationship. He points out that even involuntary pain can lead to substantial personal development.
Furthermore, Shetty and Speaks emphasize the importance of focusing on self-improvement for one's own sake and future relatio ...
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Healing and Moving Forward After a Breakup
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Counterarguments
- While fully feeling and expressing emotions is important, some individuals may benefit from strategies that help them manage and contain their emotions to prevent overwhelming distress.
- The concept of a 30-day detox might not be suitable for everyone, as healing timelines can vary greatly from person to person.
- The idea that seeking closure is often futile may not apply to all situations; some individuals may find peace or understanding through a final conversation or interaction.
- Personal growth is important, but it's also valid to acknowledge that not all growth comes from pain or difficult experiences; some may come from positive experiences and relationships.
- The recommendation to focus on self-improvement for one's own sake might overlook the complex motivations that drive people, which can include a desire to reconnect with an ex.
- The notion that improving oneself increases the likelihood of a healthy reconnection could be seen as implying a responsibility to change for others, which may not always be a healthy mindset.
- The advice against rushing the personal growth process may inadvertently pressure someone who naturally moves through their healing journey at a faster pace.
- The suggestion to have an accountability ...
Actionables
- Create a personalized emotion wheel to track and express your feelings daily. By drawing a circle and dividing it into segments labeled with different emotions, you can pinpoint and color in the areas that represent how you're feeling each day. This visual representation helps you acknowledge and understand the breadth of your emotions, fostering self-compassion and awareness.
- Develop a "growth journal" where you document one lesson learned or insight gained from your past relationship each week. This practice encourages you to reflect on the relationship constructively, focusing on personal development rather than dwelling on the past. Over time, you'll build a collection of insights that highlight your emotional growth and resilience.
- Establish a "forward-focuse ...
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Relationship Dynamics and Communication Patterns Contributing To Breakups
In discussions about the causes of breakups, experts Stephan and Jay Shetty, along with therapist Esther Perel, reveal that projecting personal beliefs and values onto partners without regard for their perspectives can lead to conflict and a weakening of the partnership. Understanding deep-seated fears and accepting differences are crucial for conflict resolution and maintaining a healthy relationship.
Couples Project Beliefs, Values, and "Operating Systems" Onto Partners, Causing Conflict and Weakening Partnership
Jay Shetty points out that individuals often project their own ways of living, which they view as correct, onto their partners. Using a personal anecdote about dishwashing habits, Shetty explains that these habits represent different 'operating systems' that can lead to conflict. The crux of the matter is that couples are often still adhering to their single lives' belief systems rather than creating a new, shared system for their partnership.
Esther Perel adds depth to Shetty's observations by noting that conflicts in relationships often occur due to deeper underlying issues rather than the superficial topic of argument, such as chores. Underneath these fights lie hidden dimensions that individuals are actually fighting for, including power, trust, respect, recognition, and closeness. She also reveals that it is not uncommon for partners to desire their beliefs or familial customs to be accepted as superior, sometimes hoping that therapy will change their partner to meet these expectations.
Neglecting Fears and Needs Hinders Conflict Resolution For Couples
Perel and Stephan delve into the internal aspects of relationship conflicts by discussing personal fears. These can range from insecurities to doubts about a partner's emotional commitment. Stephan also indicates that if one partner is unwilling to work on the relationship, this may prompt a separation that could lead to personal growth or potentially a future reconciliation.
The podcast addresses the power dynamic in relationships, wherein one partner might feel like they are surrendering everything important to them. This can lead to conflict and, in some cases, contribute to breakups, especially when the real issues remain undiscussed or unr ...
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Relationship Dynamics and Communication Patterns Contributing To Breakups
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- When individuals project their personal beliefs and values onto their partners without considering their partners' perspectives, it can create conflict in the relationship. This behavior can lead to misunderstandings, power struggles, and a lack of mutual respect. It often stems from a failure to acknowledge and appreciate the differences in how each partner thinks and behaves. This can hinder effective communication and compromise in the relationship.
- In the context of relationships, "operating systems" refer to the individual beliefs, values, and habits that each partner brings into the relationship from their past experiences and upbringing. These ingrained patterns of behavior can clash when partners try to merge their separate systems without creating a new shared framework. Understanding and reconciling these differences is crucial for building a strong and harmonious partnership.
- In relationships, conflicts often stem from deeper issues beyond the surface argument, such as chores. These hidden dimensions can include power struggles, trust issues, feelings of disrespect, the need for recognition, and a desire for emotional closeness. Understanding and addressing these underlying factors is crucial for resolving conflicts and strengthening the relationship.
- The desire for beliefs or familial customs to be accepted as superior in a relationship reflects a need for validation and recognition of one's values and traditions as more important or better than those of their partner. This can lead to conflicts when partners expect their viewpoints to be prioritized over their significant other's, potentially causing tension and disagreements within the relationship. It often stems from a deep emotional attachment to one's own beliefs and a desire for them to be respected and upheld within the partnership. This dynamic can create power struggles and challenges in finding a balance between honoring individual values and fostering mutual respect in the relationship.
- Power dynamics in relationships can lead to conflicts and breakups when one partner feels like they are giving up too much or not being heard. This imbalance can create resentment and tension, especially if underlying issues are not openly discussed or resolved. Understanding and addressing these power dynamics is crucial for maintaining a healthy and balanced relationship. Communication, compromise, and mutual respect play key roles in navigating power struggles and fostering a strong partnership.
- Balan ...
Counterarguments
- While projecting personal beliefs and values onto partners can lead to conflict, it can also be argued that sharing personal beliefs and values is a natural part of relationship building, and the key issue may be the lack of effective communication and negotiation rather than the projection itself.
- Understanding and accepting differences is important, but there must also be a core alignment in values and goals for a relationship to thrive; differences that are too fundamental may not be reconcilable.
- Conflicts may not always stem from deeper underlying issues; sometimes, they may indeed be about the superficial topic at hand, and assuming a deeper issue could complicate resolution efforts.
- The desire for one's beliefs or familial customs to be accepted may not always be about superiority but could stem from a need for familiarity and comfort within the relationship.
- Personal growth can occur within a relationship, and separation is not the only path to individual development.
- Power dynamics are a natural part of any relationship, and the issue may not be the existence of power dynamics but how they are managed and negotiated between partners.
- Accepting differences is important, but there should also be a focus on finding common ground and shared experiences to foster unity and partnership.
- Letting each other influence one's "operating system" can be beneficial, but individuals should also maintain their own identity and boundaries within a relat ...
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