Why Making New Friends Feels Exhausting As An Adult (And How to Make It Easier)

As adults age, their social circles and concepts of friendships evolve due to life changes and brain chemistry, which influence how they form and perceive relationships.

Adult Friendships Challenged by Life Changes and Brain Chemistry

Aging Narrows Social Circles To 150 Meaningful Connections and 5 Close Friendships

Jay Shetty and other speakers discuss how as individuals age, their social networks tend to shrink but increase in value—similar to a large, thin coin becoming a smaller, yet thicker and more valuable coin. Life changes such as increased work responsibilities, geographical moves, and the greater importance of family life contribute to this narrowing. A 2020 meta-analysis found that friendship networks generally start shrinking after an individual's mid-20s. Robin Dunbar proposes that people can only maintain about 150 meaningful connections, with a much smaller inner circle of merely five close friends. As adulthood progresses, especially in our 30s, those five close friends often turn out to be partners, children, and perhaps a parent or two.

Social Rejection Makes Brain More Risk-Averse, Hindering New Friendships

With age, the brain becomes more risk-averse, particularly when encountering new people. Past experiences of rejection, awkwardness, or mistreatment cultivate a tendency to avoid potential discomfort. As a result, individuals may become less outgoing, potentially succumbing to cynical, skeptical, and doubtful attitudes, which can hamper the formation of new friendships.

The "Liking Gap" ...

Jay Shetty shares insights on how to nurture and rebuild adult friendships, highlighting the importance of taking action, establishing routines for connection, and embracing vulnerability to foster deeper relationships.

Reconnect With Friends Who Understand You

Reconnect With Someone You Miss For Coffee or a Chat

Shetty encourages listeners to act on feelings of nostalgia and suggests reaching out to someone they miss by sending a text to suggest meeting for coffee or a walk. He explains that sometimes it's easier to reconnect with old friends than to make new ones, especially when the friendship drifted apart not due to conflict, but rather due to unknown reasons.

Old Friends' "Shorthand" and History Ease Rebuilding Depth With New Acquaintances

With old friends, you share a shorthand due to the extensive history and bond from spending many hours together during school years. Shetty points out that this shared history makes it often more comfortable to be around old friends compared to the effort required with new friends. He acknowledges that as people grow, they may feel that their childhood group doesn't feel like 'their people' anymore, yet he does not specify using the "shorthand" and history to ease rebuilding depth with new acquaintances.

Cultivate Micro-Routines to Maintain Connections

Weekly Reminder: Text Check-In to Stay Connected

Shetty advises listeners to set a calendar reminder to send a text to someone once a week. This could be to simply check in on them or to suggest catching up that month. The idea is to maintain a consistent connection without requiring a large time commitment.

Integrate Social Time: Invite Someone to Join Your Workout or Errands

Shetty suggests adding social connection to activities that are already part of one's routine. He calls this the "No Friction Rule" because it leverages the activities you're already doing, such as inviting someone to a workout, a walk after work, or brunch on the weekend. This approach doesn't create additional ...

Shetty and other commentators provide insights into how adults can forge new friendships in a meaningful and comfortable way.

Combat Skepticism By Making Small, Low-pressure Social Connections

The concept of creating low-pressure social connections is essential when trying to forge new friendships as an adult. Shetty suggests using the "Two-minute Rule" where one asks a question or gives a compliment in social settings. This practice is designed to train your brain to see socializing as non-threatening by counteracting defense mechanisms and skepticism inherent in many adults.

Use the "Two-minute Rule" to Make a Comment or Ask a Question in Social Settings, Training Your Brain to View Socializing As Non-threatening

Shetty notes that many adults, despite appearing aloof, are often looking for connections and want to connect and break out of their molds. In parallel to the "Two-minute Rule," Shetty suggests making low-pressure invitations for activities, such as workouts or errands, as an easy and non-threatening way to begin socializing.

Many Adults Crave Connections Despite Aloofness

What might appear as aloofness in others is often a desire for connection masked by self-protection. Shetty reinforces that adults are frequently in search of connections and that there's an innate desire in everyone to form relationships despite exterior presentations.

Focus On Quality Over Quantity of Friendships

The importance of depth over breadth in adult friendships cannot be overstated, according to Shetty's commentary on adult socialization.

Adults Value Deep, Aligned Connections Over Broad, Shallow Networks

With adults often seeing friends just once a week or so, Shetty mentions the concept of "motivated selectivity," favoring meaningful, aligned relationships over large networks of acquaintances. He emphasizes the value adults place on having friends who resonate with their values and beliefs rather than having numerous casual connections.

Building Friendships Requires Patience and Effort

Building friendships as an adult requires patience and effort, as deep connections often demand consistent engagement, such as making plans and ...