Lori Gottlieb: 7 Answers to Dating Questions You’re Afraid to Ask & How to Break Free from Relationship Timelines

Lori Gottlieb emphasizes the need for self-understanding and communication in relationships, a sentiment echoed by Jay Shetty. Both recognize the importance of taking accountability for one's own behaviors and growth areas, rather than solely focusing on a partner's flaws.

Understand your own role and patterns in relationships

Gottlieb suggests that individuals reflect on their past relationships and the dynamics they have repeatedly experienced to identify their own tendencies and areas for personal growth. She highlights that it's essential to understand one's role in the "dance" within a relationship, and the patterns one tends to follow, including being drawn to partners that feel familiar, which can often resemble negative aspects of relationships from earlier life stages.

Reflect on your past relationships and the dynamics you've repeatedly experienced to identify your own tendencies and areas for personal growth.

Gottlieb points out that without working through one's "unfinished business," there is a risk of unconsciously gravitating towards unhealthy relationships. She advises on examining why previous relationships did not work out and what could be done differently in future interactions.

Prioritize self-work and personal development

Understanding oneself and the impact of one's attachment styles, which stem from childhood and influence trust and security in relationships, is crucial, as is the need to improve self-esteem and personal growth within relationships. Gottlieb mentions that feeling good about yourself after a date is an important aspect of self-perception, which may impact personal growth within relationships.

Gottlieb also emphasizes that self-awareness is crucial to comprehend one's own needs and how they interact with a partner's needs, which she refers to as "operating instructions."

Recognize that doing the internal work to understand yourself is crucial for having healthy, fulfilling relationships.

Shetty and Gottlieb agree on the significance of focusing on internal work and personal development rather than trying to change external circumstances. Gottlieb particularly stresses the importance of recognizing why one is drawn to certain people in order to attract healthier relationships, and how therapy can assist in gaining a fuller understanding of oneself in relation to others.

Avoid blaming your partner and instead focus on what you can change about yourself

Instead of assi ...

Communication and boundary-setting are crucial components of a healthy relationship. It's essential to communicate needs and desires openly and to set boundaries with compassion for the relationship to flourish.

Communicate your needs and desires openly and early in a relationship

Lori Gottlieb emphasizes the importance of being honest about what you want in a relationship and not being afraid to appear needy too early. She suggests that being clear about feelings and expectations allows both people to make informed choices. For example, discussing topics like marriage or commitment clearly and early in the relationship prevents issues from building up and creates a foundation for understanding.

Jay Shetty notes that a lack of regular check-ins can lead to a buildup of issues, potentially resulting in uncomfortable ultimatums. He emphasizes the importance of expressing beliefs and feelings, like about marriage, over time, to avoid such situations.

Gottlieb advises addressing concerns early when the relationship is new, likening it to wet cement. She suggests that setting expectations early gives the partner a chance to adjust their behavior.

Don't wait until issues have built up to express your wants and expectations to your partner.

Gottlieb stresses the importance of addressing actions that make one uncomfortable, like a partner being tardy for meetings, from the outset rather than allowing the problem to grow.

Avoid making assumptions about your partner's thoughts and feelings

Gottlieb encourages creating a comfortable space for a person to open up by sharing one's own feelings first, which may encourage the partner to do the same. When someone feels disrespected, she suggests explaining how the comment made them feel instead of accusing. This approach ensures there is clarity in communication.

Jay Shetty addresses the problem of assuming that shared interests equate to understanding, underscoring the necessity of direct communication. Shetty and his wife proactively communicate what they want for occasions like birthdays to better satisfy each other's desires and reduce anxiety.

Gottlieb warns against making assumptions about a partner's intent and advises asking for clarification to understand their true meaning. She notes the significance of being with someone who listens and seeks a deep connection.

Set boundaries with compassion a ...

Navigating in-law relationships can be complex, but with strategic communication and empathy, it's possible to handle these relationships harmoniously.

Recognize in-law issues as a couple's issue, not just an issue with the in-laws

Lori Gottlieb explains that in-law issues are actually couples issues. These problems aren't just about a mother-in-law or father-in-law; they're about the dynamics between the partners. Tensions with in-laws often reflect a need for both partners to get on the same page and present a united front. Understanding this is crucial for addressing the issues that arise effectively.

Shetty discusses the complexities in-law issues add to relationships. Partners often feel that their partner’s parents are either too involved and controlling or not sufficiently involved. The core pain stems from the feeling that one's partner cannot stand up to their own parents, leading to a misunderstanding of how the parents' involvement affects the other partner.

Encourage your partner to advocate for the relationship with their own family

Gottlieb highlights the importance of having your partner's back and giving priority to the relationship over seeking parental approval or upholding the parent's values. If one partner is struggling with the in-laws, the related partner must address the issue by discussing it with their own parents. This involves standing up for their spouse and ensuring that any negative remarks do not impact the marriage.

Lori Gottlieb suggests helping your partner understand the significance of setting boundaries with their parents. It’s not about alienating them, but fostering a more enjoyable relationship. She even provides potential language for partners to use, emphasizin ...

When it comes to marriage and other significant commitments, experts emphasize the importance of taking time to truly understand your partner, communicating openly about expectations, and recognizing that any relationship requires ongoing work and growth.

Avoid rushing into major commitments or decisions

Jay Shetty speaks on the pressure many feel to rush into major life decisions, like marriage, particularly as they reach a certain age. He alludes to anxieties about time running out to find a compatible partner, which can lead to premature commitments.

Take time to thoroughly understand your partner and the dynamics of the relationship before making big steps like marriage.

Gottlieb highlights the importance of not waiting until you're engaged to bring your true self into the relationship. Presenting your authentic self from the start helps to avoid conflicts caused by misrepresentation of needs and wants. Furthermore, she expresses astonishment at couples who don't discuss marriage before a proposal, and she underlines the significance of ensuring both parties are in agreement on this profound commitment.

Communicate openly about expectations and long-term goals

In a scenario presented by Jay Shetty, he describes someone who might feel compelled to marry because of significant time invested in a relationship. This underscores the necessity of having open dialogues about intentions and expectations for the future.

Discuss topics like marriage, children, and lifestyle preferences to ensure you're on the same page.

Gottlieb recommends that couples should seek premarital therapy to discuss key issues such as blending families, dealing w ...

Jay Shetty and Lori Gottlieb discuss the complexities of romantic relationships, highlighting the common misconceptions and challenges that many couples face.

Recognize that love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship

Shetty and Gottlieb emphasize that while love is important, it is not the sole ingredient for a healthy and lasting relationship. They acknowledge that conflicts can occur even in the presence of love, and that understanding, communication, and shared values are crucial elements of a lasting partnership. According to Shetty, the fear of appearing needy or high-maintenance often prevents partners from discussing their feelings and needs. Without open communication, a relationship cannot overcome hurdles or make decisions that benefit the partnership as a whole.

Gottlieb points out that negative interactions, such as disrespect, can create a deficit in the relationship 'bank account', indicating that love cannot compensate for continuous negative exchanges. Additionally, she observes that the foundation of a relationship matters greatly; if it isn't solid, it can make dealing with future challenges, including parenting, much harder.

Understanding, communication, and shared values are also crucial elements of a lasting partnership.

Throughout their conversation, there is an indirect implication that understanding and reciprocation are necessary to sustain a relationship. This is highlighted in the discussion about judging actions versus intentions and the need for both partners to offer grace, compassion, and empathy. Gottlieb also discusses the illusion that a baby will automatically bring vitality to a troubled relationship, emphasizing that without a strong connection and aliveness between the couple, a baby will not solve underlying issues.

Avoid future-tripping and stay grounded in the present

Jay Shetty brings up the concept of "future tripping," which involves creating an idealized future with a partner based on positive initial impressions. This mental forecasting can lead to challenges because it can create unrealistic expectations that may not be shared by the other person. It's crucial to remain aware of how a partner treats you in the here and now, rather than becoming fixated on an imagined future.

Shetty adds that first dates are often not representative of long-term compatibility, as they involve a performance aspect and can be influenced by unrealistic expectations set by dating apps. Gottlieb encourages people t ...