The Tell Them Method - How To Stop Holding On To Emotional Baggage and Regret
In this episode of On Purpose with Jay Shetty, Shetty explores the importance of openly communicating emotions in personal relationships and one's own growth. He highlights how sharing positive feelings like appreciation can deepen connections, while bottling up negative emotions may lead to physical tension and passive aggression.
Shetty warns against the pitfalls of venting to others instead of the person directly involved. He provides strategies for effective emotional communication, such as explaining the reasons behind emotions, considering timing and environment, and focusing on sharing perspectives without fixating on the other person's reaction.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Oct 25, 2024 episode of the On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Sign up for Shortform to access the whole episode summary along with additional materials like counterarguments and context.
1-Page Summary
The Importance of Openly Communicating Emotions
Jay Shetty stresses the value of expressing both positive and negative emotions to strengthen relationships and promote self-growth.
Sharing Positive Emotions
Conveying appreciation and admiration can deepen connections, as Shetty experienced when expressing these feelings opened a potentially beautiful relationship.
Sharing Negative Emotions
Shetty encourages openly sharing anxieties, dislikes, or decisions to prevent misunderstandings and resentment. Bottling up negative emotions can lead to physical tension, pain, and unhealthy outbursts like passive aggression.
Consequences of Not Communicating Emotions
Shetty warns against the "tell everyone but them method" of venting to others instead of the person involved.
Gossiping Damages Relationships
Discussing issues with third parties, possibly through gossip, undermines relationships with both the person discussed and the gossip partner. It prevents open dialogue.
Avoiding Difficult Conversations Prolongs Problems
Putting off uncomfortable talks removes chances for resolution and growth. Shetty cites examples like not sharing disinterest in activities leading to future unease. Withholding feedback eliminates opportunities for improvement.
Strategies for Effective Emotional Communication
Explain, Don't Just State
Shetty advises describing reasons behind emotions, not just naming them. Using questions invites understanding over defensiveness.
Consider Timing and Environment
Bringing up intense topics when others are stressed is unproductive. Set aside dedicated time and space for important discussions.
Detach from Expectations
Focus on openly sharing your perspective without fixating on the other's reaction. Be willing to understand their viewpoint too.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While expressing emotions is important, it's also crucial to manage them effectively. Over-sharing or inappropriate sharing of emotions can sometimes strain relationships rather than strengthen them.
- Positive reinforcement is beneficial, but it should be genuine and not used manipulatively or excessively, which could lead to complacency or a lack of authenticity in relationships.
- Sharing negative emotions is important, but doing so without proper self-regulation or consideration for the other person's state of mind can sometimes exacerbate conflicts.
- Some individuals may not have the emotional capacity or skills to handle another's negative emotions constructively, which could lead to further misunderstandings or emotional distress.
- Venting to others can sometimes be a necessary step in processing emotions before addressing the person involved, provided it's done with discretion and without malicious intent.
- While gossiping is generally harmful, seeking advice or perspective from a third party can be beneficial if it's aimed at finding a constructive solution to a problem.
- There are situations where avoiding difficult conversations, at least temporarily, might be the best course of action, such as when emotions are too raw for a productive discussion.
- Explaining the reasons behind emotions is important, but it's also essential to ensure that the explanation doesn't come off as justification for harmful behavior or an attempt to evade responsibility.
- Timing and environment are important, but there may be urgent issues that require immediate attention despite less than ideal circumstances.
- Detaching from expectations is a good strategy, but having no expectations at all can sometimes lead to a lack of accountability or a sense that the communication has no purpose or desired outcome.
Actionables
- Create a "Feelings Journal" to track your emotional state and practice expressing emotions constructively. Start by writing down your feelings daily, noting both positive and negative emotions. For each emotion, describe the situation that led to it, your reaction, and any physical sensations associated with it. This habit can help you understand your emotional triggers and patterns, making it easier to communicate them effectively to others.
- Develop a "Communication Cue Card" for difficult conversations. On a small card, write down bullet points of the emotions you want to express, the reasons behind them, and the outcomes you hope for from the conversation. Carry this card with you and use it as a reference during challenging discussions to stay focused on expressing your emotions clearly and constructively.
- Initiate a "No Gossip" pact with a friend or family member. Agree to hold each other accountable when conversations steer towards gossip. Instead, encourage one another to address issues directly with the people involved. This pact can foster a habit of open communication and discourage the spread of gossip, leading to healthier relationships.
Related Shortform Content
Get access to the context and additional materials
The importance of openly communicating emotions and feelings to others
Openly sharing positive and negative emotions with others can strengthen relationships and promote self-growth.
Jay Shetty stresses the value of articulating both the positive and negative spectrum of our emotions to foster stronger bonds and encourage personal development.
Expressing appreciation, admiration, and other positive feelings can lead to deeper connections and understanding between people.
Shetty shares a personal experience about how opening his heart and expressing appreciation, admiration, and the importance of a person in his life contributed to the blossoming of a potentially beautiful relationship. This illustrates how conveying positive emotions can deepen the understanding and connection between individuals.
Openly sharing negative feelings, such as not wanting to do something, can prevent misunderstandings and resentment from building up.
Moreover, Shetty touches on the importance of being forthright about less positive feelings. He suggests informing people if you're anxious about work, dislike certain activities, or have decided not to attend an event rather than waiting until the last moment. Such candor is crucial for preventing the build-up of misunderstandings and resentment.
Keeping emotions bottled up can have negative physical and mental health consequences.
Unexpressed emotions can become "trapped" in the body, leading to muscle tension, pain, and other ailments.
Though not explicitly stated in the content provided, it is widely recognized that suppressing emotions can h ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
The importance of openly communicating emotions and feelings to others
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While sharing emotions can strengthen relationships, it is also important to consider the timing and context in which these emotions are shared, as inappropriate timing or lack of discretion can sometimes lead to increased tension or discomfort.
- Expressing positive feelings can lead to deeper connections, but it can also create a sense of obligation or pressure on the other person to reciprocate, which might not always be possible or sincere.
- Open communication about negative feelings is important, but it requires a level of emotional intelligence and maturity to ensure that the sharing of these feelings is constructive rather than harmful.
- Some cultures or individuals may value privacy and emotional restraint, and for them, openly sharing emotions might not be aligned with their values or communication styles.
- The idea that unexpressed emotions become "trapped" in the body is a metaphorical concept and may not be universally accepted by all medical or psychological professionals as a literal physiological process.
- While repr ...
Actionables
- Create a daily emotion journal to track your feelings and their triggers, which can help you understand patterns in your emotional responses and identify the right moments to share them with others. Start by jotting down at least one positive and one negative emotion each day, along with the situation that caused it. This practice can make you more aware of your emotional landscape and guide you on when to express these emotions constructively in your relationships.
- Develop a "feelings vocabulary" list to expand the ways you can describe your emotions, enhancing communication and connection with others. Begin by looking up synonyms for basic emotions like "happy" or "sad" and practice using these new words to express your feelings more precisely. This can lead to more nuanced conversations and a better understanding between you and the people you interact with.
- Initiate a weekly "emotions roundtable" with close ...
Related Shortform Content
Get access to the context and additional materials
The negative consequences of not openly communicating emotions
Jay Shetty discusses the pitfalls of veering away from direct communication about one's emotions, highlighting how this can lead to damage across multiple relationships.
Not communicating emotions to the person involved can lead to communicating them to others instead.
Shetty introduces the idea of the "tell them method," which emphasizes the importance of communicating feelings directly to the person concerned. He contrasts this with the "tell everyone but them method," which tends to be a common but unhealthy practice.
Venting to a third party about someone rather than telling them directly can damage multiple relationships.
Shetty points out that by not expressing feelings to the person involved, one may resort to discussing these issues with someone else, possibly in the form of gossip. This not only undermines the relationship with the person being talked about but also distorts the dynamic with the person to whom you’re venting, turning what could be a deep interaction into a session of gossiping or bonding over negativity.
Gossip and negative talk about someone behind their back prevents healthy, open communication.
The act of sharing emotions or issues with others instead of addressing them to the person concerned can lead to numerous negative consequences, such as the perpetuation of bitterness and the prevention of healthy communication. Shetty warns that gossip and negative talk introduce a bias that can sour future interactions and impede the possibility of open dialogue and resolution with the person whose behavior is in question.
Avoiding difficult conversations prevents resolution and can prolong problems.
Shetty's discussion implies that when difficult conversations are avoided, the chances for resolving the underlying issues are also bypassed. By not approaching a person with whom there’s a problem, individuals miss out on the opportunity to clear the air, fost ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
The negative consequences of not openly communicating emotions
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- The "tell them method" emphasizes directly communicating feelings to the person involved. In contrast, the "tell everyone but them method" involves discussing emotions with others instead of addressing them directly to the person concerned. This distinction highlights the importance of open and honest communication in relationships.
- Avoiding difficult conversations can lead to more discomfort later because unresolved issues tend to fester and grow over time, potentially causing increased tension and misunderstandings. By not addressing problems directly, individuals miss the opportunity to find solutions and prevent the escalation of conflicts. This avoidance can create a cycle where discomfort accumulates, making future interactions even more challenging. Open and honest communication is crucial to addressing issues promptly and preventing them from becoming more significant sources of discomfort in the future.
- When gossip and negative talk occur about someone behind their back, it can create a biased perspective in the listener's mind. This bias can influence how the listener perceives and interacts with the person being talked about, potentially leading to misunderstandings and strained relationships in the future. Gossip can distort the original situation, making it harder to app ...
Counterarguments
- While direct communication is often beneficial, there are situations where it may not be safe or constructive to express emotions directly to the person involved, especially if that person has a history of abusive or violent behavior.
- In some cultural contexts, direct communication of negative emotions is frowned upon and can be seen as confrontational or disrespectful, so alternative methods of communication may be more appropriate.
- Venting to a third party can sometimes be a way to gain perspective or seek advice on how to handle a situation before approaching the person involved, which can lead to a more constructive conversation when it does happen.
- There are instances where gossip and negative talk, although generally seen as harmful, can serve as a warning system within communities, alerting others to potentially harmful or toxic behavior.
- Some conversations are difficult for a reason, and avoiding them can sometimes be a strategic choice to wait for a more opportune moment when the conversation can be ...
Related Shortform Content
Get access to the context and additional materials
Strategies for effectively communicating emotions to others
Jay Shetty provides insights into how we can more effectively communicate our emotions to others, emphasizing the approach of explaining emotions and perspectives rather than just stating them.
Focus on explaining your emotions and perspective, not just stating them
Shetty stresses the importance of clarifying the reasons behind our emotions. He shares an example of how, when he communicated to his team that the feedback they gave felt standard and not insightful, this honesty allowed him to receive more constructive feedback after taking some responsibility for the situation.
Describe why you feel a certain way, not just what you're feeling
Rather than just naming the emotions you're experiencing, Shetty suggests delving into the reasons why you feel that way. Providing context and background can help the other person understand your perspective better and respond more effectively.
Use questions to invite understanding, rather than accusations that put the other person on the defensive
Shetty advises framing discussions about feelings in the form of questions to avoid making the other person defensive and to gain insight into their behavior. By asking for someone’s insight through a question in a non-confrontational way, communication becomes more open and understanding is facilitated.
Choose the right time and place for difficult conversations
According to Shetty, timing and setting are critical when it comes to difficult conversations.
Avoid bringing up intense topics when the other person is already stressed or distracted
Bringing up intense topics when the other person is stressed or distracted can lead to unproductive and emotional confrontations. It's essential to find a moment when both parties are calm and able to devote their full attention to the discussion.
Set aside dedicated time and space to have important discussions in a thoughtful manner
Allocating specific time and finding a conducive environment ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Strategies for effectively communicating emotions to others
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While clarifying the reasons behind emotions can lead to better understanding, it may not always be possible or appropriate to articulate complex emotional states, and some individuals may find this process overwhelming or invasive.
- Providing context and background for emotions is important, but there can be a risk of over-explaining or rationalizing feelings, which might lead to unnecessary justification rather than acceptance of the emotions as valid.
- Framing discussions about feelings as questions is a good approach, but it can sometimes come off as leading or manipulative if not done with genuine curiosity, and it may not be suitable for all types of conversations or relationships.
- Choosing the right time and place for difficult conversations is ideal, but it may not always be feasible due to unpredictable life events, and some conversations may need to be had spontaneously to resolve urgent issues.
- Avoiding intense topics when the other person is stressed is considerate, but it may also delay necessary conversations that need to be addressed promptly, regardless of stress levels.
- Allocating specific time and space for important discussions can be beneficial, but it can also create a formal or pressured atmosphere that might inhibit natural and honest communication.
- Focusing on the communication process rather than the outcome is a healthy appr ...
Actionables
- Create an emotion journal to track your feelings and their triggers, noting the context of each emotion and your initial thoughts about why you felt that way. This can help you see patterns over time and better understand the reasons behind your emotions. For example, you might notice you feel anxious every Sunday evening and trace it back to worries about the upcoming workweek.
- Develop a habit of "emotional mirroring" by repeating back the emotions you hear from others in your own words, which can foster deeper understanding and connection. When a friend says they're upset about a work situation, respond with, "It sounds like you're really frustrated with how things are going at work," to show you're actively listening and trying to understand their perspective.
- Use a mobile app with a ...
Related Shortform Content
Get access to the context and additional materials
Create Summaries for anything on the web
Download the Shortform Chrome extension for your browser
