Ryan Holiday: Why You Need to Reparent Your 14-Year-Old Self & How to Overcome the Fear of Not Being Good Enough
In this episode of On Purpose with Jay Shetty, Ryan Holiday shares insights on mindful parenting. He emphasizes the distinction between merely having children versus actively embracing the role of a parent with all its responsibilities and lifestyle changes.
Holiday underscores the importance of striking a balance between protection and empowerment for children, enabling their growth. He explores how unresolved childhood emotional wounds can unconsciously influence parenting choices and the value of modeling emotional regulation. Holiday and Shetty discuss providing unconditional love, support, and a nurturing environment for children's self-paced development while being open to profound personal transformations that parenthood brings.
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1-Page Summary
The mindset shift from "having kids" to "being a parent"
Ryan Holiday explains the key distinction between simply having children and actively embracing the role of a parent. Holiday argues that truly being a parent involves making parenting a central priority rather than just meeting minimum legal requirements, and that it requires a readiness to adapt one's lifestyle to prioritize children's needs.
Balancing protection and empowerment
Holiday advocates allowing children to face age-appropriate struggles with parental support, enabling them to develop independence and resilience. Overprotecting children can hinder their growth, while complete empowerment without guidance also carries risks. The aim is to strike a balance through modeling problem-solving skills.
Managing emotional baggage as a parent
Holiday discusses how unresolved emotional wounds from childhood can unconsciously drive parents to project desires and expectations onto children. Conducting inner child work and healing emotional issues is vital to avoid burdening children with those burdens. Holiday emphasizes the importance of emotional regulation and accountability as a parent.
Providing unconditional love and support
Ryan Holiday and Jay Shetty highlight the importance of being unwavering supporters and "fans" of children, offering unconditional love regardless of their choices. They advocate creating a nurturing environment free from judgment and pressure, allowing children to grow at their own pace. Modeling accountability by apologizing for mistakes fosters trust and respect.
Being ready for personal transformation
Both Holiday and Shetty stress that having children brings profound personal changes that require being ready to shift priorities, values, and even one's identity. Embracing this transformation with open-mindedness, rather than rigid expectations, is key to finding meaning and fulfillment in parenthood.
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Counterarguments
- While prioritizing children's needs is important, it's also crucial for parents to maintain their own identity and interests outside of their parenting role to avoid burnout and resentment.
- Some argue that a certain level of protection is necessary for children, as they may not always have the maturity or experience to handle certain struggles, even if they are age-appropriate.
- The concept of "unconditional love" can be complex, and some believe that it should not excuse poor behavior or absolve children from the consequences of their actions.
- The idea of personal transformation can be daunting and may not resonate with everyone; some individuals may find that they can integrate parenting into their existing identity without a significant shift in priorities or values.
- The balance between empowerment and guidance can be difficult to achieve, and what works for one child may not work for another, suggesting that parenting strategies should be tailored to individual children rather than following a one-size-fits-all approach.
- The recommendation to conduct inner child work and heal emotional issues, while beneficial, may not be accessible or feasible for all parents due to various constraints such as time, resources, or cultural stigma around seeking therapy.
- The notion of avoiding projecting desires onto children might be challenging to implement in practice, as parents' expectations and aspirations naturally influence their parenting style and the opportunities they provide for their children.
- The emphasis on being ready for personal transformation might inadvertently pressure parents to feel that they must change in certain ways, which could lead to feelings of inadequacy if they do not experience the profound changes described.
Actionables
- You can create a "parenting manifesto" that outlines your core values and commitments as a parent, ensuring that you actively embrace the role and adapt your lifestyle to your children's needs. Start by writing down what you believe is most important in your relationship with your children and how you plan to prioritize these values in daily life. For example, if you value creativity, you might commit to setting aside time each week for a family art project or storytelling session.
- Develop a "challenge jar" for your family where each member can contribute ideas for small challenges or struggles they can overcome together. This encourages facing struggles with support and builds resilience. For instance, challenges might include learning a new skill, solving a puzzle, or volunteering for a community project. The key is to ensure these activities are age-appropriate and provide opportunities for growth and empowerment.
- Start a monthly "family transformation journal" where you document the personal changes you experience as a parent. This can help you reflect on how your priorities and values are shifting. In the journal, you might include entries on new insights you've gained, moments where you had to adapt your behavior for the sake of your children, or times when you recognized the impact of your own emotional growth on your parenting.
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The mindset shift from "having kids" to "being a parent"
Ryan Holiday explores the profound difference between having children and taking on the identity and responsibilities of being a parent, suggesting an imperative shift in priorities and mindset for successful parenting.
There is an important distinction between simply having children and making the conscious decision to be a parent and make parenting a central part of one's life.
Holiday notes that having children might involve meeting the bare legal requirements to avoid intervention from child protective services. In contrast, actively being a parent means embracing significant life changes and dedicating oneself to the welfare and upbringing of one's children. He argues that, unlike career pursuits where one might actively strive for success, parenting is often approached with a lack of preparation, reflecting a tragically skewed set of priorities.
Rather than just doing the legal minimum to avoid child protective services, being a parent involves making meaningful changes to one's life and priorities to raise children well.
Ryan Holiday stresses that parenting is not a passive experience; it requires active decision-making and a readiness to reorganize one's life around the role of a parent, aiming not just to get by but to excel in raising children. He links the role of modern dads to this new paradigm, emphasizing that fatherhood now entails a deeper involvement and genuine prioritization of the parenting role.
Parenting requires being open to being fundamentally changed and transformed by the experience, rather than seeing it as something that won't alter one's existing lifestyle.
Many people focus on accumulating achievements and accomplishments without realizing that true success in parenting is enabling one to have the time and space to do the things that truly matter to them.
Holiday reflects on ...
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The mindset shift from "having kids" to "being a parent"
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Counterarguments
- While prioritizing children is crucial, it's also important to maintain a balance where parents don't lose their individual identity or neglect their own needs and aspirations.
- The idea that modern dads are expected to be more involved could be seen as a stereotype that overlooks the diverse family structures and cultural expectations that exist.
- The concept of fundamental personal change due to parenting might not resonate with everyone; some individuals may find that they retain their core self or lifestyle even after becoming parents.
- The notion of true success in parenting being about enabling time for what truly matters could be challenged by the argument that quality of interactions can be as important as quantity of time.
- Reevaluating personal priorities upon becoming a parent might not be feasible or desirable for everyone, especially if their personal goals and professional life are deeply intertwined with their sense of self.
- Guilt as a sign of investment in parental responsibilities could be contested by suggesting that guilt is not a healthy or constructive emotion and that investment can be shown in more positive ways.
- The idea that too much self-criticism is counterproductive might be challenged by the perspe ...
Actionables
- Create a "priority matrix" to visually organize tasks and commitments with your child's needs at the forefront. Draw a simple grid with four quadrants labeled "Urgent and Important," "Important but Not Urgent," "Urgent but Not Important," and "Neither Urgent nor Important." Place your child's needs in the "Important but Not Urgent" quadrant to ensure they are prioritized even when not pressing, helping you to schedule your time more effectively around your parenting role.
- Develop a "parenting journal" to reflect on daily interactions and feelings about your parenting. Use this journal to note moments of guilt or self-criticism and counter them with positive reflections and achievements. This practice can help you recognize patterns, reduce negative self-talk, and focus on constructive aspects of your parenting journey.
- Initiate a "family hour" where work-related devices ...
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Balancing protection and empowerment in parenting
Striking the right balance
Ryan Holiday tackles the complex task facing parents: balancing the natural desire to protect their children with the need to let them encounter and overcome challenges. He explains that overprotecting children can deprive them of crucial growth experiences. Thus, it's essential to allow children to face age-appropriate struggles. By providing support instead of removing every obstacle, parents can empower their children to become adept at navigating life's difficulties.
Fostering independence and resilience
Holiday warns against the dangers of “snowplow parenting,” where difficulties are swept away before a child encounters them. This approach can be counterproductive as it leaves children unprepared to face challenges independently. He argues that parents should aim to create a balance, crafting lives for their children that are good, but not devoid of effort, emphasizing the importance of problem-solving skills over provided answers. Holiday suggests that by modeling the process of finding solutions, rather than simply providing them, parents encourage children to develop independence and resilience.
Empowerment through overcoming struggles
Further elaborating on his parenting philosophy, Holiday mentions that equipping children to wor ...
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Counterarguments
- While fostering independence is important, some argue that a certain level of protection is necessary to provide a secure attachment base from which children can explore the world.
- Critics of the "let them struggle" approach may point out that not all children respond to challenges in the same way, and some may require more support and intervention to develop resilience.
- The concept of age-appropriate struggles is subjective and can vary greatly across cultures, families, and individual children, suggesting that a one-size-fits-all approach may not be appropriate.
- Some developmental psychologists emphasize that providing answers and direct support can also be beneficial, as it can offer a scaffold that helps children learn and apply problem-solving skills in a guided manner.
- There is a risk that encouraging children to overcome struggles independently could lead to an underestimation of their need for emotional support and validation, which are also crucial for healthy development.
- The idea of not attributing a child's behavior to a character flaw could potentially overlook the importance of addressing behavioral issues and instilling a sense of responsibility from a young age.
- The emphasis on re ...
Actionables
- You can design a "challenge of the week" for your child where they tackle a new, age-appropriate task, like planning a simple meal or fixing a toy, to encourage problem-solving without your direct intervention.
- This approach allows children to experience the satisfaction of overcoming obstacles and learning from their efforts. For example, if the toy repair doesn't go as planned, they learn to evaluate alternative solutions or seek advice, fostering independence.
- Introduce a "family solutions journal" where every family member, including children, can write down problems they've encountered and how they solved them, to be discussed during family time.
- This shared activity not only celebrates problem-solving but also provides a platform for children to see how others, including their parents, navigate challenges. It could be as simple as a sibling figuring out how to tie their shoes or a parent finding a way to manage work stress.
- Crea ...
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Managing your own emotional baggage and unmet needs as a parent
Ryan Holiday sheds light on how parents inadvertently seek to fulfill their own childhood deficiencies through their children's lives, and he stresses the importance of resolving personal emotional issues to become a better parent for one's children.
Many parents unconsciously seek to fulfill their own unmet emotional needs from childhood through their children's achievements and successes.
Holiday notes that from early pediatrician visits, parents are faced with competitiveness rooted in benchmarks which reflect more about the parent's aspirations than the child's well-being. This competitive mindset can lead to projecting one's desires and expectations onto the child, rather than nurturing the child's unique talents and interests.
Ryan Holiday remarks on adults who, driven by a dearth of parental approval in their own youth, obsessively chase success, but due to unresolved issues, they are reacting not to current realities but to lingering desires for acknowledgment.
Recognizing and addressing one's own emotional wounds and unresolved issues from the past is crucial to avoid burdening children with those burdens.
Holiday delves into the concept of inner child work, suggesting that without addressing past emotional wounds, an adult might remain emotionally stunted, reacting to situations as they would have at a much younger age. He mentions the need to conduct inner child work to avoid letting those unmet needs from one's youth result in inappropriate emotional responses.
Discussing fears and tempers, Holiday acknowledges how essential it is not to project his emotional reactions onto his children, recognizing that losing his temper is not beneficial, and striving to shield his children from negative emotional responses.
Ryan Holiday, in conve ...
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Managing your own emotional baggage and unmet needs as a parent
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Counterarguments
- While it's true that some parents may project their unmet needs onto their children, it's also possible for parents to consciously use their own experiences to positively guide and support their children's growth without imposing their own unmet needs.
- The competitive mindset in parenting is not universally detrimental; in some cases, it can motivate parents to provide better opportunities for their children, as long as it's balanced with the child's well-being and individuality.
- The pursuit of success driven by a lack of parental approval can sometimes lead to high achievement and personal growth, provided it doesn't become an unhealthy obsession.
- Addressing one's emotional wounds is important, but it's also necessary to recognize that complete resolution of all past issues may not be possible, and parenting can still be effective with unresolved issues.
- Inner child work, while beneficial, is not the only method for dealing with emotional issues, and some individuals may find other therapeutic approaches more effective.
- It's unrealistic to expect parents never to project any emotional reactions onto their children; the goal should be to minimize and manage these instances rather than to eliminate them entirely.
- Breaking cycles of dysfu ...
Actionables
- Create a "Parental Reflection Journal" where you jot down your feelings after interactions with your child, especially when you feel a strong emotional response. This can help you identify patterns in your emotions and understand if they are truly about your child's behavior or if they stem from your own past experiences. For example, if you feel disappointed when your child loses a game, write down why it affects you so much and reflect on whether it's a reflection of your own fears of failure.
- Develop a "Childhood Echoes" activity where, once a week, you spend time alone to think about your childhood and any moments where you felt unfulfilled or unsupported. Use this time to write a letter to your younger self, offering the support and approval you felt you needed. This can be a therapeutic way to address your own emotional needs without placing them on your child.
- Start a "Temper Timeout" practice where you implement a ...
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Providing unconditional love and support as a parent
Parents play a critical role in their child's life as unwavering supporters, cheerleaders of their interests, and guardians of their self-expression and personal growth.
It is important for parents to be "fans" of their children, offering unwavering support and belief in them regardless of their choices or achievements.
This means refraining from judgment, allowing children to pursue their own passions, and providing a safe space for them to explore and grow.
Shetty and Holiday discuss the necessity of being "fans" of their children by giving them unconditional love even when their choices diverge from their parents' expectations. Shetty credits his parents for their support when he decided to become a monk, which was contrary to their aspirations for him. He acknowledges their presence and support, noting that they never made him feel abandoned. Ryan Holiday echoes this sentiment, adding that parents should allow children to grow at their own pace and foster a nurturing environment free from the pressure to conform to arbitrary development timelines.
For instance, by sharing a story about Jim Valvano, whose father rooted for him to be a basketball coach since childhood without interference, Holiday implies that parental belief and support are instrumental. He underlines that parents should cheer on their children, supporting them in facing their endeavors head-on.
Showing unconditional love involves apologizing when one loses one’s temper or makes mistakes, modeling accountability and emotional regulation.
Rather than trying to control or force children into a particular mold, parents should focus on creating an environment of trust, acceptance, and open communication.
Holiday reflects not only on supporting children's decisions but also on managing his reactions, emphasizing the importance of parents modeling accountability and emotional regulation. He stresses the need to apologize for losing temper, owning up to emotional responses, and hand ...
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Counterarguments
- While unconditional support is important, setting boundaries and teaching children about consequences is also crucial for their development.
- Being a "fan" of one's child does not mean endorsing all of their choices; sometimes, parental guidance is necessary to help children avoid harmful decisions.
- Unconditional love should not prevent parents from disciplining their children, as discipline can be a form of love that teaches life skills and responsibility.
- Emotional regulation is important, but it is also natural for parents to experience a range of emotions, and it is unrealistic to expect perfection in emotional responses at all times.
- Trust and acceptance are vital, but so is preparing children for the reality that not all environments will offer the same level of support and acceptance.
- Open communication is key, yet there should be an understanding that some topics may require maturity or context that children may not yet possess.
- Apologizing for losing one's temper is important, but it is also essential to address the root causes of frustration to prevent recurring issues.
- Su ...
Actionables
- You can create a "Family Vision Board" where each member, including children, adds images and words that represent their individual dreams and how they support each other. This visual representation serves as a daily reminder of everyone's aspirations and the collective support system within the family.
- Start a weekly "Dreams and Challenges" roundtable where family members share their current passions and any obstacles they're facing. This practice encourages open communication and provides a platform for offering support and discussing emotional responses in a safe and structured environment.
- Implement a "Mis ...
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The importance of being ready for how having kids will fundamentally change you
Discussions between Jay Shetty, his spouse, and Ryan Holiday explore the profound changes people undergo when having children, emphasizing the importance of being ready for this personal transformation.
Having children is a profound personal transformation that requires being prepared to have one's priorities, values, and even identity shift in significant ways.
Jay Shetty and his wife, who have always wanted children, recognize that unexpected life circumstances have shifted their expectations and lifestyle. As his career necessitated moves and changes, Shetty underscores the significance of open conversations with his partner regarding the readiness for the life alterations that parenting brings.
If someone is not ready to embrace the changes that come with parenthood and allow it to reshape them, they may struggle to find fulfillment and meaning in the experience.
Ryan Holiday brings to light the notion that having kids must provoke personal change. If one is not prepared to be changed by the experience, then perhaps one is not ready for children. He believes that becoming a parent should open a person emotionally, physically, and spiritually, and to resist such transformation could mean doing a disservice to oneself and one's future offspring.
The process of becoming a parent provides valuable opportunities for growth, self-reflection, and deepening one's humanity that cannot be fully anticipated beforehand.
Holiday shares a personal perspective shift, realizing that life's meaning doesn't come from accumulating achievements. He suggests that becoming a parent requires reevaluating what truly matters, aligning with the transformative nature of parenthood. Holiday was fortunate to recognize this before having kids, marking his readiness for the changes parenthood brings.
Embracing parenthood with an open and curious mindset, rather than rigid ex ...
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Counterarguments
- While personal transformation is common with parenthood, not all individuals may experience profound shifts in identity, and some may find that their core values and priorities remain consistent.
- Some individuals may find fulfillment and meaning in parenthood even if they were not fully prepared for the changes it brought, suggesting that adaptability can also be a valuable trait.
- Growth and self-reflection can occur in many life contexts, and not all individuals may find that parenthood is the most significant or valuable opportunity for these experiences.
- An open and curious mindset is beneficial in many life roles, not just parenthood, and some may argue that maintaining one's pre-parental identity can also contribute to a balanced and fulfilling life.
- Reevaluating what truly matters is a personal journey that can be prompted by various life events, not exclusively by parenthood.
- The necessity of setting aside personal desires when becoming a parent may not apply to everyone, as some parents successfully integrate their pe ...
Actionables
- Create a "parenthood vision board" to visualize the changes you anticipate with having children, using images and words to represent shifts in priorities, values, and identity. This can be a physical board or a digital collage that you update as you reflect on what you expect to change in your life. For example, you might include pictures of family activities, quotes about growth and learning, and symbols of personal values that you want to carry into your parenting.
- Start a "readiness journal" where you write down your thoughts and feelings about becoming a parent, focusing on the opportunities for growth and self-reflection. Use prompts like "How do I envision my daily life changing with a child?" or "What personal desires am I willing to set aside for my family?" to guide your entries. This practice can help you process the emotional and practical aspects of parenthood and track your evolving mindset over time.
- Engage in a monthly "partnership check- ...
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1-Page Summary- The mindset shift from "having kids" to "being a parent"
- Balancing protection and empowerment in parenting
- Managing your own emotional baggage and unmet needs as a parent
- Providing unconditional love and support as a parent
- The importance of being ready for how having kids will fundamentally change you
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