Alexis Ren & Allie Michelle: 3 Ways to Stop Putting a Guard up in Love & Why You Need to Change Your Mindset On What Success Means in Dating
In this episode of the On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast, models Alexis Ren and Allie Michelle explore the importance of cultivating authentic relationships free from judgment. They discuss fostering environments of vulnerability through open communication and non-critical support, emphasizing the value of embracing each other's growth and evolution.
Ren and Michelle examine the balance of feminine and masculine energies within individuals and how honoring this interplay allows genuine self-expression. They delve into techniques for accessing the subconscious mind and confronting hidden beliefs. Additionally, the conversation centers on redefining success in romantic relationships, encouraging authenticity and mutual growth over rigid checklists.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Aug 12, 2024 episode of the On Purpose with Jay Shetty
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The power of authentic, non-judgmental friendships
Alexis Ren and Allie Michelle share how their friendship allows room for individual evolution without clinging to fixed versions of each other. Despite periods of separation, their core values enable the friendship to endure various transformations, per Ren. They avoid judgment, instead validating each other's paths through reciprocal support and the concept of "renification" - supporting growth.
Cultivating a judgment-free space for honesty
Ren and Michelle have built an environment of vulnerability and authenticity by naming insecurities without criticism. Ren credits Michelle for her personal growth. They prioritize open communication about their desires to evolve and address egos candidly, aligning with Jay Shetty's view on being seen holistically.
Balancing feminine and masculine energies for personal growth
Ren associates feminine energy with intuition and navigating the unknown, contrasting with masculine energy's action and analytical nature. Both exist within each person, and balance is vital for holistic growth. Ren counterbalances her masculine tendencies through feminine activities like ballet.
Ren and Michelle encourage exploring one's unique blend of energies versus conforming to rigid ideals. Honoring this interplay allows authentic self-expression and purpose, per Ren.
Uncovering and confronting subconscious beliefs
Journaling, letter-writing, and subconscious writing help access the subconscious mind, per Ren and Michelle. Embracing the shadow self through exercises like "letters to fear" promotes growth.
Michelle advocates expressing all feelings through honest journaling for self-integration. Storytelling and archetypes, like Michelle's personified fear "Bert," engage the subconscious constructively.
Redefining success in romantic relationships
Ren and Michelle advise moving beyond checklists to embrace authenticity and life's surprises in relationships. They value mutual growth over longevity.
Ren prefers including partners in conversations about needs rather than searching for a "finished product." Michelle advocates vulnerability, accepting potential loss as part of caring deeply.
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Counterarguments
- While non-judgmental friendships are valuable, some level of judgment or discernment is necessary to ensure that the friendship is mutually beneficial and not enabling harmful behaviors.
- The concept of "renification" might not be universally applicable or beneficial, as it could potentially lead to a dependency on one friend for personal growth.
- Open communication is important, but there must also be boundaries; constant candidness about egos and desires might strain some friendships.
- Balancing feminine and masculine energies is a useful metaphor for some, but it may reinforce gender stereotypes or not resonate with those who do not identify with traditional gender roles.
- The emphasis on accessing the subconscious mind through journaling and other exercises might not be as effective for everyone, and some individuals may require professional therapy for deeper issues.
- Redefining success in romantic relationships to prioritize mutual growth is subjective and may not align with everyone's values or needs, which can be diverse and complex.
- The idea of including partners in conversations about needs is important, but it should be balanced with the understanding that individuals are also responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment.
- Advocating vulnerability and accepting potential loss can be challenging for some individuals, and it's important to recognize that self-preservation and cautiousness in relationships are also valid approaches.
Actionables
- You can foster non-judgmental friendships by initiating a monthly "Evolution Dinner" where you and your friends share personal growth experiences and support each other's journeys without offering unsolicited advice or criticism. During these dinners, create a safe space by starting with a round of affirmations for each person, focusing on their strengths and recent accomplishments, which can help reinforce a supportive and non-judgmental atmosphere.
- Develop a habit of "Energy Balancing Meditation" where you visualize and embrace both your feminine and masculine energies in a daily meditation practice. For example, you might visualize a dance between the two energies, acknowledging how each one contributes to different aspects of your life, such as decision-making, empathy, assertiveness, and nurturing. This can help you integrate these energies into your personal growth.
- Create a "Relationship Growth Map" with your partner where you both contribute desires, needs, and areas for mutual growth instead of focusing on traditional milestones. Use this map to have regular check-ins and update it as your relationship evolves. This can include short-term goals like learning a new skill together, medium-term emotional development targets, and long-term visions for your partnership, emphasizing growth and adaptability over a fixed trajectory.
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The power of authentic, non-judgmental friendships
Alexis Ren and Allie Michelle share insights into their deeply authentic and non-judgmental friendship which allows room for individual growth and transformation.
The importance of allowing each other to evolve and change within a friendship
Evolution and Tolerance
Alexis Ren and Allie Michelle discuss the fluid nature of their friendship, emphasizing that they never held each other to a fixed version of who the other is, which has allowed room for growth and transformation. They have enjoyed watching each other grow and have never clung to a specific idea of who they are supposed to be. Despite periods of not talking, sometimes for six months or up to a year, their friendship has persisted through various versions of themselves.
Alexis uses a poem about a long marriage to highlight that recognizing and embracing a person's evolution is key to a lasting relationship. This concept also applies to their friendship. Allie notes that despite being opposites and having conflicts, their shared core values and devotion to each other allow their friendship to endure.
Support and Validation
They ensure their friendship maintains an open, fluid dynamic, which enables them to navigate challenges and transitions with compassion and trust. Rather than judging each other's choices, they have supported and validated each other's paths, even when they chose completely different directions. Alexis pursued a traditional Hollywood path while Allie chose to travel, yet they remained supportive of each other. Alexis discusses the notion of “renification," which focuses on supporting each other's growth and improvement.
Cultivating a judgment-free space for honest self-expression
Vulnerability and Authenticity
Alexis and Allie have created an environment where they can be fully vulnerable and authentic without fear of criticism. They have committed to a friendship that allows room to breathe, with fewer expectations than romantic relationships.
They've highlighted the importance of naming and accepting each other's shadows and idiosyncrasies. Alexis reassured Allie during an insecure phase, embodying the reciprocal support that characterizes their friendship. Alexis admits she wouldn't be who she is today without Allie, ...
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The power of authentic, non-judgmental friendships
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Counterarguments
- While non-judgmental friendships are valuable, it's also important for friends to hold each other accountable when necessary, which can sometimes involve making judgments about behaviors or choices.
- The idea of never holding each other to a fixed version of oneself might overlook the importance of consistency and reliability in a friendship.
- Periods of not talking, such as six months to a year, could be seen as a lack of commitment or investment in the friendship, which might not be sustainable or healthy for everyone.
- Shared core values are important, but it's also crucial to acknowledge and respect differences, which can sometimes lead to judgment or conflict that needs to be addressed rather than overlooked.
- Supporting each other's paths is commendable, but there may be times when friends need to challenge each other's choices if those choices are harmful or self-destructive.
- Creating a judgment-free space is ideal, but it's also necessary to recognize that some level of judgment is a natural and sometimes useful part of human relationships.
- Emphasizing vulnerability and authenti ...
Actionables
- You can foster growth in friendships by starting a shared digital journal where you both contribute entries on personal growth, challenges, and changes you're experiencing. This creates a living document that reflects the dynamic nature of each person and provides a platform for support and understanding. For example, use a shared Google Doc or a dedicated app where you both can write about your week, your feelings, and your evolving interests, encouraging each other to explore new facets of your personalities.
- Create a "No Judgment" jar where you and your friend can drop notes about thoughts or feelings you're hesitant to share aloud. Whenever you meet, empty the jar and discuss the contents in a spirit of openness and support. This can help build a safe space for vulnerability, much like a physical manifestation of the judgment-free zone Alexis and Allie described. For instance, if you're feeling insecure about a career move, write it down, and when you discuss it, your friend can offer their perspective and support.
- Develop a ritual of monthly "evolution check-ins" with ...
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Balancing feminine and masculine energies for personal growth
Jay Shetty introduces a conversation about the interplay between feminine and masculine energies and how balancing these can lead to personal growth and fulfillment. Alexis Ren and Allie Michelle share their insights on embracing both energies within themselves and encourage others to explore their own blends of these qualities.
Understanding the interplay of feminine and masculine energies
Feminine energy is associated with receptivity, intuition, and navigating the unknown, while masculine energy is linked to action, analysis, and the known.
Alexis Ren discusses the dominant masculine energy in many societies, which emphasizes building empires and taking action. She suggests that in its prevalence, it can sometimes cause women to lose touch with their feminine energy. Feminine energy, Ren explains, is about attraction and navigating through the unknown, while masculine energy is about making things happen and dealing with the known. Allie Michelle adds that the feminine is built for navigating the unknown, much like bringing life into the world, whereas the masculine deals more with the mind's analytical functions. Ren compares these energies to Mother Earth and God, suggesting that both exist within everyone and that their interaction is a crucial part of life.
Both energies are present within each person and need to be balanced for holistic growth and fulfillment.
Ren suggests that imbalance can lead to a draining effect, often due to forcing actions or trying to make things happen from nothing – what she refers to as "fairy energy." Ren also emphasizes the importance of balancing feminine energy in a world that's dominant in masculine energy, calling for a breakdown of beliefs that prevent people from embracing their femininity.
Integrating feminine and masculine aspects for greater self-awareness and self-expression
Alexis and Ali consciously work to balance their natural tendencies, drawing on both energies as needed.
Alexis Ren reveals her personal experience of tending to fall into her masculinity, counterbalancing it with feminine activities like ballet and yoga to create equilibrium. Allie Michelle shares her journey of integrating more masculine energy to complement her natural feminine inclinations, asserting the will to create and accomplish goals. They also discuss the importance of recognizing and appreciating the masculine energy that has helped individuals survive, suggesting that while it was necessary for survival, it is now time to move beyond just surviving to thriving.
They encourage their community to explore and embrace their unique blends of feminine and masculine qual ...
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Balancing feminine and masculine energies for personal growth
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Counterarguments
- The concepts of "feminine" and "masculine" energies are culturally constructed and may not be universally applicable or relevant to all individuals' experiences.
- The dichotomy of feminine and masculine energies oversimplifies the complex nature of human traits and behaviors, which exist on a spectrum and are not necessarily gendered.
- The emphasis on balancing these energies might inadvertently reinforce gender stereotypes, suggesting that certain qualities are inherently masculine or feminine.
- Personal growth and fulfillment can also be achieved through means other than balancing so-called feminine and masculine energies, such as focusing on individual strengths, values, and personal development goals.
- The idea of energies may not resonate with everyone and could be seen as a spiritual or metaphysical concept that lacks empirical support, which might not align with all worldviews or belief systems.
- The narrative might exclude non-binary or gender non-conforming individuals who do not identify with traditional gender roles or the concept of masculine and feminine energies.
- Encouraging people to engage in activities traditionally associated with the opposite gend ...
Actionables
- You can create a daily "energy audit" journal to track your experiences with feminine and masculine energies. At the end of each day, jot down moments when you felt you were operating from a place of action or analysis (masculine energy) versus intuition or receptivity (feminine energy). This will help you become more aware of your natural tendencies and identify areas where you might seek balance.
- Start a "switch-up" routine where you deliberately incorporate activities opposite to your dominant energy for at least 30 minutes each day. If you're action-oriented, try meditation or creative writing to tap into your feminine side. Conversely, if you're more intuitive, engage in strategic games like chess or practice problem-solving exercises to ...
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Uncovering and confronting subconscious beliefs and shadows
Alexis and Allie share their insights on how to uncover and confront hidden beliefs and emotions. They emphasize the importance of journaling and letter-writing as techniques to access the subconscious and encourage the integration of the shadow self for personal growth.
The power of journaling and letter-writing to access the subconscious
The hosts discuss the effectiveness of journaling and letter-writing in shedding light on the subconscious mind. Alexis illustrates the potential of these exercises using a "letter to fear" to engage with and understand how fear operates in one’s life. She insists on viewing emotions not in terms of good or bad but as helpful guides. Alexis also refers to writing a "letter to death," which can clarify life’s value and our desires by acknowledging mortality.
The process of subconscious writing is another pivotal tool they promote. Writing swiftly on a particular topic can unearth profound insights from beneath the conscious mind's surface. Alexis shares personal experiences of breakthroughs surrounding her father, indicating the method's transformative capacity.
Embracing the shadow self for growth and integration
Embracing one's shadow, including the less palatable aspects of personality, is a cornerstone of Alexis and Allie's philosophy. Alexis speaks on learning to love the quirkier parts of her personality under Allie Michelle's guidance. Without naming the shadow self explicitly, Alexis’ recognition and acceptance of her anxiety demonstrate a commitment to embracing all aspects of oneself.
Allie Michelle insists on honesty in journaling, fostering a space where all feelings are valid and can be expressed without judgment, enhancing self-integration. She highlights the importance of adopting other perspectives, such as imagining a parent’s point of view on the day of one ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Uncovering and confronting subconscious beliefs and shadows
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While journaling and letter-writing can be helpful, they may not be suitable for everyone, and some individuals might find other techniques like verbal therapy or artistic expression more effective for accessing the subconscious.
- Writing a "letter to fear" assumes that one can effectively communicate with and understand their emotions through writing, which might not be the case for people who struggle with emotional literacy or expression.
- The idea of not labeling emotions as good or bad could potentially lead to the minimization of harmful behaviors that are driven by those emotions if not approached with careful reflection and guidance.
- A "letter to death" might be distressing for some individuals, especially those dealing with recent bereavement or trauma related to mortality.
- Subconscious writing, while potentially insightful, could also bring up overwhelming or distressing thoughts that a person may not be prepared to handle without professional support.
- Personal breakthroughs through subconscious writing are subjective and may not be a universal experience; some might find the process unhelpful or even counterproductive.
- The concept of embracing the shadow self might be too abstract for some, and without proper guidance, individuals might struggle to understand or apply this concept effectively.
- Encouraging the love of all aspects of one's personality, including negative traits, could potentially lead to a lack of motivation for personal improvement in some cases.
- The recognition and acceptance of anxiety as part of embracing the shadow self might not address the need for professional treatment in cases of severe anxiety disorders.
- The emphasis on honesty in journaling assumes that individuals are always aware of their true feelings and capable of expressing them, which might not be the case for everyone.
- The technique of adopting different perspectives, such as imagining a parent's view at birth, may not be feasible ...
Actionables
- Create a "dialogue diary" where you write conversations between different parts of your personality to better understand internal conflicts and harmonize your thoughts. Start by choosing aspects of your personality that often seem at odds with each other, like your ambitious side versus your need for relaxation. Write a dialogue between these two 'characters' as if they were having a conversation, allowing each side to express its desires and concerns. This can lead to a deeper understanding of your internal motivations and conflicts.
- Develop a "shadow box" where you collect items that represent different aspects of your shadow self, including fears and quirks. For example, if procrastination is a part of your shadow self, you might include a broken clock to symbolize the time wasted. This physical representation can make abstract parts of your personality more tangible, allowing you to acknowledge and interact with them in a constructive way.
- Organize a weekl ...
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Redefining success and fulfillment in romantic relationships
Allie Michelle and Alexis Ren engage in a conversation that encourages a departure from traditional checklists and expectations in finding fulfilling relationships.
Moving beyond checklists and societal expectations
Allie Michelle and Alexis Ren caution against a "high value" framework in dating, which can lead to a superficial understanding of relationships. They stress the importance of welcoming the unexpected and trusting that life will bring the right person to you.
Allie Michelle talks about moving beyond societal roles expected of women, sharing an anecdote about a housemate who learned to sing authentically by not being afraid to look "ugly." She champions authenticity over appearance. Jay Shetty concurs, wishing to be acknowledged for his multifaceted interests rather than fitting into a single category.
Embrace authenticity and life's surprises
Alexis reflects on a shift in perspective, suggesting that success can be like a "treasure hunt" filled with playfulness and personalization. Allie Michelle speaks against the transactional approach of having a checklist for a romantic partner, which she believes removes the magic from relationships. Both Allie Michelle and Alexis Ren advocate for an openness to discovery and growth within the journey of life and love.
Cultivating a mindset of growth and commitment in relationships
Alexis and Allie emphasize a relationship's success based on its capacity for mutual growth and evolution, rather than solely its longevity.
Mutual growth and honesty as cornerstones
Alexis Ren discusses the importance of relationships that adapt and maintain love, even if their romantic nature changes. Acting with love, she argues, attracts what is truly meant for you. She values growth with a partner over searching for a 'finished product,' preferring the 'gritty growth' she enjoys in friendships to apply to her romantic relationships as well. She believes in including a partner in conversations about relationship needs or issues, emphasizing honesty and inclusion.
Allie Mic ...
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Redefining success and fulfillment in romantic relationships
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Counterarguments
- While authenticity is important, some societal expectations can provide a framework for stability and security in relationships.
- The "high value" framework, though potentially superficial, may help individuals identify core values and deal-breakers in partners.
- Embracing the unexpected can lead to fulfilling experiences, but it can also result in a lack of direction or commitment.
- Personal growth is crucial, but focusing too much on individual evolution might undermine the partnership aspect of a relationship.
- The idea of a relationship as a "treasure hunt" could trivialize the serious commitment and work required to maintain a long-term partnership.
- A transactional approach to relationships is often criticized, but clear expectations can sometimes lead to better communication and understanding between partners.
- Mutual growth is important, but it's also necessary to have individual space and identity outside of the relationship.
- Being open and vulnerable is generally seen as a strength, but ...
Actionables
- Create a "relationship treasure map" with your partner to explore shared and individual goals, marking milestones with symbols that represent achievements and lessons learned. This visual representation can serve as a playful reminder of your journey together, encouraging both personal and mutual growth. For example, you might use a star to denote a shared accomplishment or a heart for a moment of deepened connection.
- Start a weekly "growth date" where you and your partner dedicate time to discuss new experiences, challenges, and aspirations. This could involve trying a new activity together, reflecting on the past week, or setting intentions for the week ahead. It's a chance to support each other's multifaceted interests and ensure you're both evolving in sync.
- Develop a personal ritual to practice vulnerab ...
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