Why Your Relationship Checklist is Getting in Your Way & How to Stop Questioning if You are With the Right Person

Recent findings from the Pew Research Center and insights from Jay Shetty shed light on gender differences in the traits valued by men and women in potential romantic partners.

Men value physical attractiveness in women the most, at 35%

Jay Shetty comments on the societal tendency to prioritize physical attractiveness in potential partners, stating that many men place a high value on this aspect. He suggests that this can lead to choosing the wrong person if the focus on "the taller bottle of water" overrules other important relationship qualities. The Pew Research Center supports this observation, finding that 35% of men value physical attractiveness the most in women.

Physical appearance is often emphasized in society and media as the most important trait in a partner, leading to unrealistic standards and pressure

Shetty highlights the potential pitfalls of society's emphasis on appearance, which can set unrealistic standards and create undue pressure in the search for a romantic partner.

Women value honesty and morality the most in men, at 33%

On the other hand, the Pew Research Center finds that 33% of women place the highest value on honesty and morality when considering men as potential romantic partners.

Honesty, integrity, and strong moral character are seen as highly desirable traits in a potential partner

Women tend to prioritize traits that underscore a man's integrity and moral strength, viewing these as crucial elements for a substantial and trusting relationship.

Men also value empathy, nurturing, and kindness in women, at 30%

Shetty notes that empathy, nurturing, and kindness are also important to men, who often seek these qualities when looking for ...

Jay Shetty explores the significant discrepancy between what people claim they value in relationships versus the attributes they actually pursue, often leading to choices that don't align with their proclaimed values.

People often claim to value deeper qualities like kindness and intelligence, but can become swayed by superficial factors like appearance or status

Shetty underscores the fact that, although many profess to value kindness, empathy, and intelligence in a partner, societal standards and media portrayals from a young age can heavily influence their actual choices, leading them to prioritize excitement and chemistry over these deeper qualities. He points out the stark contrast between cultural conversations that take place online and responses documented in questionnaires, illustrating a clear rift between stated and actual preferences.

Jay Shetty reflects that, in reality, individuals who possess the qualities of being empathetic and nurturing might be labeled boring, while those who lack these attributes may be considered more attractive due to the spark or excitement they bring. This tension between one's common sense and the allure of "shiny" things is attributed to the chemicals associated with lust and attraction, which can cloud judgment.

There is a tendency to prioritize excitement and chemistry over long-term compatibility

The podcast host elaborates on this tendency by discussing the allure of the early stages of relationships that are characterized by excitement and tension, such as the strategic game of playing hard to get and the anticipation surrounding communication. While initially stimulating, Shetty believes these interactions are not what people truly seek as they can become draining, highlighting a desire for deeper connections over time.

Successful relationships are built on shared values and character, not just surface-level traits

Shetty argues that despite the pressures men face to meet societal expectations of material success, and the pressure women sometimes feel to underplay their own success to appear more attractive, these factors do not make for successful relationships. He notes that ...

Shetty delves into how the emphasis on shared values and character compatibility is more crucial for a thriving relationship than matching based on arbitrary or superficial traits.

Highlighting shared values and compatibility of character is more predictive of relationship success than matching on arbitrary criteria

He uses the metaphor of choosing between two bottles of water based on height—even though they contain the same amount—to illustrate that character compatibility is more important than superficial traits. Shetty comments on common knowledge that qualities such as ambition, integrity, and empathy are more indicative of a partner's long-term potential than their height or socioeconomic status, yet these are often overlooked due to emotional distortion from attraction and lust.

Shetty shares that when he met Radhi, he wasn't financially prosperous, but her choice to be with him was based on seeing his potential and ambition, rather than his fiscal situation. Shetty suggests that arbitrary traits like height should not be dealbreakers and emphasizes the need to see beyond the superficial to shared core values.

People should focus on finding partners who share their core values, rather than getting distracted by superficial "dealbreakers"

Shetty encourages individuals to shift focus from superficial aspects that are touted by society, media, and social circles to more essential and undervalued values such as honesty, kindness, connection, and empathy, which are fundamental for a successful relationship. He insists on understanding one's values and seeking a partner who aligns with those values instead of being sidetracked by the inconsequential "dealbreakers."

Additionally, Shetty urges people to not compromise their sense of self to attract a partner but instead allow potential part ...