461: A Reflection On Growing Up With Jocko as A Father. w Rana Willink
In this episode of the Jocko Podcast, Rana Willink shares her experiences growing up in the Willink household, where martial arts like jiu-jitsu and wrestling were ingrained from a young age. She recounts her early struggles with body image and an obsession with calorie counting. However, Rana's journey also reveals how she rediscovered her passion for jiu-jitsu and the pivotal role it played in her healing process.
Jocko reflects on his approach to parenting, acknowledging the shift from initially pushing his children too intensely in training to eventually allowing them to explore their interests independently. The episode offers insights into Rana's personal battles and how the support of her family and the practice of martial arts helped her overcome challenges.
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Rana's Journey with Martial Arts
Rana Willink's father, Jocko, introduced her and her siblings to jiu-jitsu and wrestling from a young age. While training under intense challenges early on, Rana eventually found joy and success in wrestling, becoming the first from her high school to compete at state championships in 35 years.
However, Rana's wrestling journey also involved struggles with body image and an obsession with calorie counting—waking up early to cut weight through saunas and worrying about minor fluctuations.
After distancing herself from martial arts initially, Rana rediscovered her passion for jiu-jitsu in college. Attending a camp in Maine reignited her love. Jocko notes that Rana's extensive involvement with jiu-jitsu became part of her "healing journey."
Rana's Disordered Eating
Rana's fixation on tracking calories and controlling her weight began with a calorie tracking app at age 14, weighing everything she ate obsessively and structuring workouts around burning those calories. In college, she isolated herself, restricting to one meal a day within her calorie budget.
Rana hit a breaking point projecting her obsession into the future. Therapy helped shift her mindset. She stopped weighing food and tracking calories, eventually resuming enjoyable exercise through walking.
Jiu-Jitsu's Role in Healing
Jiu-jitsu provided a much-needed distraction from Rana's obsession over her appearance. Engrossed in the sport, she found herself unable to ruminate on other thoughts. Jiu-jitsu also boosted Rana's confidence through competition successes and her role teaching kids, fostering greater self-acceptance.
Jocko's Parenting Reflections
Initially, Jocko pushed his children intensely in martial arts training, putting Rana in overly challenging matches and testing their willpower to unhealthy degrees. Seeing their resentment and resistance, he realized he was imposing his dreams onto them.
Jocko learned to respect his children's passions and let them explore interests independently—a principle he upheld in the SEALs. He became more relaxed, creating cherished family memories through camping trips despite the ever-present competition.
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Clarifications
- Jocko Willink is a former Navy SEAL officer known for his leadership skills and discipline. He gained popularity through his books, podcasts, and motivational speeches, focusing on principles like extreme ownership and discipline. Jocko's approach emphasizes personal responsibility, mental toughness, and effective leadership strategies, drawing from his experiences in the military.
- Rana struggled significantly with body image and calorie counting, starting at a young age with obsessive tracking and strict eating habits. This fixation led to unhealthy behaviors like extreme calorie restriction and excessive exercise to manage her weight. Over time, these struggles escalated, impacting her mental and physical well-being until she sought help to shift her mindset and break free from these harmful patterns.
- Rana found solace and distraction in jiu-jitsu, which helped shift her focus away from her struggles with body image and disordered eating. Engrossed in the sport, she experienced a mental break from her obsessive thoughts, leading to a boost in confidence and self-acceptance through her successes in jiu-jitsu competitions and teaching roles. Jiu-jitsu became a positive outlet for Rana, allowing her to channel her energy into something constructive and fulfilling, ultimately aiding in her healing journey.
- Rana's fixation on tracking calories and controlling her weight started at a young age with a calorie tracking app. This led to obsessive behavior like weighing all her food and structuring workouts around calorie burning. In college, she isolated herself and restricted her eating to one meal a day within her calorie budget. Therapy helped her shift her mindset away from this harmful behavior.
- Engrossed in jiu-jitsu, Rana's focus shifted from her appearance to the challenges and techniques of the sport. The mental and physical demands of jiu-jitsu absorbed her attention, reducing her preoccupation with body image. Through training and competition, she found a sense of accomplishment and self-worth beyond physical appearance. Jiu-jitsu provided a positive outlet for her energy and emotions, offering a break from negative thoughts about her body.
- Jocko initially pushed his children intensely in martial arts, placing them in challenging situations that tested their limits. He later realized he was imposing his own aspirations on them, leading to resentment and resistance. This approach evolved as he learned to respect their individual passions and allow them to pursue interests autonomously. Jocko's parenting style shifted towards a more relaxed and supportive approach, fostering a healthier dynamic within the family.
- Jocko's parenting transformation involved shifting from intense pushing in martial arts to respecting his children's passions, allowing them to pursue interests independently. This change led to a more relaxed atmosphere at home, creating cherished family memories through activities like camping. Jocko's realization of imposing his dreams onto his children prompted him to foster a healthier dynamic based on mutual respect and support. This shift in approach helped strengthen family bonds and allowed each child to explore their individual interests and talents.
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Rana's journey with jiu-jitsu and other martial arts
Rana Willink’s experience with martial arts has been wrought with personal triumphs and struggles. From her early exposure to the evolution of her involvement, Rana's journey is characterized by dedication, challenge, and ultimately, renewal.
Rana's early exposure and interest in jiu-jitsu and wrestling
Jocko, presumably Rana's father, introduced her and her siblings to jiu-jitsu and wrestling from a young age. They faced various competitions and challenges built to improve their skills. Rana and her sister Freya went to no-gi jiu-jitsu classes just for fun, getting back in touch with the sport. She enjoyed having a set partner to train with, which reduced the anxiety of not having someone to roll with.
Rana's commitment to wrestling in high school
Rana excelled in wrestling during her time at high school. Despite a shoulder injury ending her freshman year season early, she continued to attend practices and was remembered for relying on her strength and innate jiu-jitsu skills. Her wrestling journey included intense preparation for competitions with early morning workouts at Victory with her coach, Coach Spencer, and attending Taylor Johnson's wrestling classes. This rigorous training led Rana to accomplish her goal of making it to the state championships in her senior year, becoming the first person from Point Loma High School to do so in about 35 years.
Her commitment, however, did not come without its hardships. Rana's path was marred by struggles with weight management, with incidents like having to wake up early to cut weight in a sauna and seeing another wrestler cut off her hair to make weight serving as stark examples of the pressures young athletes face. Jocko mentions Rana's senior year was affected by worries about weight and calories, hinting at her struggle with body image and disordered eating.
Rana's rediscovery of jiu-jitsu in college
After an initial pullback from martial arts, Rana rediscovered her passion for jiu-jitsu in college. She spontaneously looked up jiu-jitsu gyms near her, booked a class, and showed up on her own accord, indicating a self-motivated return to the sport. She began training at Legion AJJ following a fire at Victory MMA and quickly established an intense trainin ...
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Rana's journey with jiu-jitsu and other martial arts
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Actionables
- Start a morning routine with physical activity to boost discipline and focus, similar to how an athlete prepares for competition. Wake up an hour earlier than usual and engage in a physical activity you enjoy, whether it's yoga, running, or bodyweight exercises. This habit can improve your mental clarity and physical health, setting a positive tone for the day.
- Find a workout or hobby partner to stay motivated and accountable. Partnering with a friend or family member in a new activity, like a dance class or a weekly hiking trip, can make the experience more enjoyable and ensure you stick to your goals. This shared commitment can help you both progress and provide mutual support.
- Explore local workshops or camps in an area of interest to reignite passi ...
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Rana's struggles with disordered eating and body image
Rana shares her personal journey from developing disordered eating behaviors, focused on calorie tracking and controlling her weight, to finding a path to recovery with the support of therapy and a shift in perspective.
Rana's fixation on tracking calories and controlling her weight
Rana began using a calorie tracking app at the young age of 14, which suggested a daily intake of only a thousand calories. This app calculated her intake based on several factors, including her desire to lose weight. Even small amounts of food, like baby carrots, were weighed, and she ensured the accuracy of calorie counts to an extreme degree. By the time Rana was in college, she had escalated to weighing everything she ate, firmly believing that this accuracy could not be matched by volume measurements.
Her routine became thoroughly regimented; Rana even majored in Nutrition Science, which she initially thought of as a passion but later realized was influenced by her obsession with food. Despite the discipline she maintained and the satisfaction of knowing exactly her consumption, Rana’s behavior was not within healthy control. She structured workouts around her eating habits, whereby her physical activity was dominated by a motive to burn allocated calories or those exceeding her limit based on calorie tracker data.
During her senior year of high school wrestling, Rana was fixated on not gaining any weight, even within her six-pound allowance. This preoccupation extended beyond wrestling into her life in general, with her fear of gaining weight manifesting in her being cautious about her intake of even water.
Rana's behaviors escalated in college, where she had more control over her environment and eating habits.
In college, Rana exercised her autonomy, creating a controlled environment for her eating habits, which led her to weigh all her food and fixate on her weight rigidly. She continued to use the calorie tracking app she began with in eighth grade, hiding these behaviors not because she thought they were problematic, but because she saw the subsequent weight loss as a positive outcome. This eventually led to isolating behavior, restricting herself to only one significant meal a day, sometimes just chicken Alfredo, as it fit within her calorie budget. When Rana went home from college, the contrasting eating environment made adhering to her controlled habits challenging.
Rana's journey to recovery
Rana’s mindset towards food and exercise became linked with negative connotations, prompting a reassessment of her behaviors.
Rana reached a breaking point where she realized her mindset and behaviors were unhealthy and needed to change.
Her breaking point came not from her actions but her thoughts, which continually focused on her appearance and societal perceptions. Recognizing the severity of her fixation, she found herself projecting her issues into the future, such as worrying about weighing her wedding cake on her wedding day, driving her to seek change.
With the support of therapy and a ...
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Rana's struggles with disordered eating and body image
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Actionables
- You can start a food appreciation journal to shift focus from calorie counting to enjoying the variety and flavors of food. Instead of tracking calories, write down the different tastes, textures, and sensations you experience with each meal. This practice can help you develop a more mindful and positive relationship with eating, as you'll be paying attention to the sensory experience rather than the numbers.
- Create a 'joyful movement' chart where you log physical activities based on how they make you feel rather than the calories they burn. For example, note how a walk in the park made you feel refreshed or a dance class lifted your spirits. This can help you associate exercise with emotional well-being and intrinsic motivation rather than as a means to control weight.
- Establish a support circle by inviting friends or family members to regular meet-ups w ...
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How jiu-jitsu facilitated Rana's healing process
Rana Willink reflects on how her personal involvement with jiu-jitsu has been instrumental in her healing journey.
Jiu-jitsu as a distraction from unhealthy thoughts
For Rana, jiu-jitsu provided a necessary respite from obsessing over her appearance and weight. She discovered that the sport helped shift her focus from these unhealthy thoughts to something more positive and engaging. Rana notes that jiu-jitsu was beneficial, as it was an activity she was passionate about and could get engrossed in, suggesting that being involved in something you like can be quite beneficial.
Echo Charles and others align with this view, voicing that engaging in a compelling hobby like jiu-jitsu can distract from life's troubles. Rana highlights that while lifting weights she would still ruminate on other thoughts, jiu-jitsu demanded her full attention and helped her to shut off her mind, particularly when her thoughts were not beneficial. Rana acknowledges that jiu-jitsu gave her a mental break from obsessively tracking workouts for calories, fostering a healthier mindset.
Jiu-jitsu's impact on Rana's confidence and self-acceptance
As Rana delved deeper into the world of jiu-jitsu, it became clear that her involvement was having a transformative effect on her confidence and how she viewed herself. Her rapid progression to competing indicates Rana was beginning to recognize her developing skills. A significant confidence boost for Rana came when she, predominantly a gi practitioner, won first place in a no-gi competition—an accomplishment that likely led to greater self-acceptance as she bridged the gap from her wrestling background to jiu-jitsu.
Rana speaks about her journey with co ...
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Counterarguments
- While jiu-jitsu can serve as a healthy distraction, it may not address the root causes of unhealthy thoughts about appearance and weight, which could require professional mental health support.
- The full attention demanded by jiu-jitsu could be seen as a temporary coping mechanism, and relying solely on it might prevent individuals from developing other important emotional regulation skills.
- While jiu-jitsu provided a mental break from obsessively tracking workouts and calories for Rana, others might find that it exacerbates their focus on physical fitness and body image.
- The positive impact on confidence and self-acceptance through jiu-jitsu might not be universal; some individuals may experience increased self-doubt or pressure in competitive environments.
- Rapid progression in any sport, including jiu-jitsu, can sometimes lead to unrealistic expectations and pressure, which might negatively affect one's confidence if progress stalls or declines.
- Winning competitions, such as a no-gi competition, might not always lead to increased self-acceptance; for some, it could tie self-worth too closely to external achievements.
- Engaging in activities for oneself, li ...
Actionables
- Explore a new physical hobby that requires focus, like rock climbing or dance, to redirect attention from negative thoughts. These activities demand concentration on movement and technique, which can provide a mental respite similar to jiu-jitsu, allowing you to break away from stressors related to appearance or weight.
- Start a personal progress journal to document your achievements in a new skill or activity. Whether it's pottery, learning a language, or gardening, tracking your growth can boost confidence as you see tangible evidence of improvement, much like advancing in jiu-jitsu competitions did for Rana.
- Volunteer to tea ...
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Jocko's parenting approach and lessons learned
Jocko Willink shares candid reflections on his parenting journey, offering insights into his evolving philosophy and the hard-earned wisdom he has gained through raising his children, particularly in regard to martial arts training.
Jocko's initial intensity with Rana's martial arts training
Jocko Willink's initial approach to parenting was marked by a high level of intensity, particularly when it came to his children’s martial arts training. He invested much effort into pushing Rana and her siblings in jiu-jitsu, going as far as putting them in competitions against opponents who were heavier, older, or of a higher belt level. This rigorous push included long hours at the gym, challenging them with demanding workouts, and even high-pressure scenarios like enduring hypothermia water for the promise of ice cream. It seemed that the intent was to test their willpower and mental resilience.
However, this intense approach had its drawbacks. Jocko's children showed signs of resistance, sometimes exhibiting visible misery, crying before gym sessions, and looking forward to the ending of practice with dread. The high-pressure environments led Rana and her siblings to eventually become disinterested and resistant to the sport, with them not wanting to go to practice or tournaments due to the consistent losses and lack of enjoyment.
Jocko's evolving perspective on parenting
Through these experiences, Jocko realized that he was imposing his own dreams onto his children, a realization he compares to a movie scene where a child is forced to live out the parent's aspirations. He understood the importance of not imposing things on others before discussing them and of unifying behind a common goal – principles he adhered to as a leader in the SEAL teams. Recognizing his mistake, Jocko decided to change his approach and acknowledged that while children might not understand the long-term benefits of act ...
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Jocko's parenting approach and lessons learned
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Counterarguments
- While Jocko's initial intense approach to parenting and martial arts training may have been too much for his children, a certain level of discipline and pushing can be beneficial in teaching children about commitment and perseverance.
- The resistance and disinterest shown by Jocko's children could also be interpreted as a natural part of learning and not necessarily a direct result of his intense approach; children often resist activities that are challenging before they find enjoyment in them.
- Jocko's realization that he was imposing his own dreams onto his children is commendable, but it's also important to recognize that parents can provide valuable guidance based on their life experiences, which children may lack.
- Allowing children to have their own agency is important, but it's also the role of a parent to guide children towards making choices that are beneficial in the long term, even if they don't align with the child's immediate interests.
- While respecting children's wishes is crucial, it's also important to challenge them to step out of their comfort zones, which can ...
Actionables
- You can create a "Passion Jar" where each family member writes down activities they're curious about on slips of paper and places them in the jar; once a week, draw an activity to explore together, ensuring everyone's interests are considered and respected.
- This method allows for a democratic and exciting way to discover new hobbies and passions as a family, without pressure. For example, one week you might draw "astronomy" and spend an evening stargazing, while another week "cooking" could lead to a fun afternoon baking cookies.
- Start a monthly "Skill Swap" within your family or with friends where each person teaches the others something they're passionate about.
- This encourages appreciation of each person's unique interests and skills, fostering a supportive environment. For instance, if your child loves painting, they could lead a family painting session, while you might share your love for gardening by guiding them in planting a flower bed. ...
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Family Values and Memories
Jocko’s parenting transcended beyond just martial arts training. He also embraced a more relaxed approach in other aspects of family life. His tolerant stance on seemingly mundane choices, like letting his kids choose their clothing regardless of appearance, indicated a broader parenting philosophy focused on the importance of independence and not conforming to standards purely for the sake of appearances.
Jocko mentioned family camping trips that became cherished traditions, creating opportunities for bonding and making memories without the distractions of everyday life. Rana reflects fondly on these campsite gatherings as pivotal family bonding experiences.
Despite the moments of intensity and competition that also marked these trip ...
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Family Values and Memories
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Counterarguments
- While promoting independence is valuable, some structure and guidance in choices like clothing can help children learn about social norms and appropriateness.
- Not conforming to standards purely for appearances can be empowering, but understanding and navigating societal expectations is also an important skill for children to develop.
- Cherished family traditions like camping trips are beneficial, but it's important to ensure that all family members genuinely enjoy and benefit from these traditions, as not everyone may find the same value in such activities.
- Bonding and making memories are important, but it's also crucial to balance family time with individual interests and personal space, especially as children grow older.
- Setting challenges and contests can foster a spirit of competition and growth, but it's important to also emphasize cooperation and non-competitive activities to ensure a well-rounded family dynamic.
- Prioritizing togetherness is commendable, but to ...
Actionables
- You can create a "Choose Your Adventure" day for your family where each member gets to pick an activity, fostering a sense of independence and shared decision-making. Start by setting a date and inform your family that everyone will contribute to the day's plan. One person might choose a hike, another a movie, and someone else a favorite meal to cook together. This not only promotes independence but also ensures that everyone's interests are valued, leading to a diverse and enjoyable day for all.
- Develop a tradition of "Memory Jars" where each family member can contribute notes, photos, or small mementos from daily life or special occasions. Find a large jar and place it in a common area of your home with pens and paper nearby. Encourage your family to drop in notes or items that represent a meaningful moment, a lesson learned, or a shared experience. At the end of the year, you can gather to empty the jar and reminisce about the year's adventures, reinforcing the family bond and cherishing memories together. ...
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