PDF Summary:Your Erroneous Zones, by Wayne Dyer

In Your Erroneous Zones, Wayne W. Dyer writes that you can be happy—if only you’d stop getting in your own way. Dyer argues that the only things standing between you and your happiness are your “erroneous zones”: self-defeating practices that paralyze you and keep you from living a fulfilling life. By recognizing these hurdles and understanding why you have them, you’ll be able to eliminate them and start living the life you want.

In this guide, we’ll explore where our erroneous zones come from and why eliminating them is crucial for happiness. We’ll then break down specific erroneous zones such as people-pleasing, guilt, and procrastination, and we’ll discuss Dyer’s tools for eradicating them. As the book was published in 1976, we’ll also include updated research in psychology as well as tips from other self-improvement authors.

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Another way you play it safe, says Dyer, is by being a prisoner of protocol. You adhere to “shoulds” and “musts” dictated by society because you don’t want to rock the boat, even if those rules and expectations don’t make sense and stifle your freedom, growth, and happiness. For example, you agree to be a bridesmaid because you think it would be rude to say no—even if saying yes would strain your finances and add to your stress.

Dyer contends that rules are dictated by outside sources, which means you’re ceding control over your choices to an external force. While he says that laws are necessary to impose order, some rules are nonsensical, and you should trust your judgment to determine which rules are sensible and worth following. For instance, you might question why a woman “should” wait for a man to make the first move.

How the Patriarchy Traps Men and Women in “Shoulds” and “Musts”

While society imposes “shoulds” and “musts” on everybody, these expectations differ for men and women. Research suggests that in the US, men face greater pressure to provide financial support and be successful in their careers, while women face greater pressure to be good parents and be physically attractive. These expectations are a manifestation of the patriarchy—the rigid division of gender roles—which one expert says was meant to uphold stability (or impose order, as Dyer puts it), but it came at the expense of intimacy and happiness.

That said, women arguably have more confusing, conflicting “shoulds” and “musts” to contend with: The 2023 movie Barbie featured a monologue capturing how the patriarchy has made it impossible for women to meet contradictory expectations. For example, women are expected to be attractive for men, but not too attractive that it threatens other women; women are expected to always be grateful while at the same recognizing that the system works against them.

How to Break Free From Rules and Expectations

Dyer has the following tips to help you take more risks and break illogical rules:

1) Challenge norms and accept the consequences that come with living by your principles. If you find that things you “should” do end up making you unhappy, assess where this pressure to conform is coming from, free yourself from it, and deal with the backlash. For example, if wearing white after Labor Day makes you happy, then put on that white outfit—but be prepared to handle criticism from your busybody aunt.

(Shortform note: Challenging norms is easier said than done and can come at a great price. For example, Nelson Mandela fought against racist policies of apartheid and as a result spent 27 years in prison. Pakistani activist Malala Yousafzai spoke out against the Taliban’s rule that women and girls should stay home and not go to school, and she ended up getting shot. However, their courage to challenge norms brought about much-needed change, showing that speaking out against unfair “shoulds” can have broader implications beyond personal happiness: Mandela became South Africa’s first Black president, and Yousafzai has been instrumental in increasing girls’ and women’s access to education.)

2) Introduce spontaneity and rule-breaking in small doses. You don’t have to immediately do anything drastic like quitting your job and pursuing an unconventional career. Instead, start with small acts like trying a new coffee shop instead of going to the same one every morning, having lunch with a coworker who seems very different from you, or (as in the previous example) wearing white after Labor Day. Doing so can push you out of your comfort zone, help you become more open and flexible, and introduce more excitement into your life.

(Shortform note: Aside from changing up your routine, another way to encourage spontaneity and rule-breaking is by tapping into your creativity, which requires originality, thinking beyond convention, and cultivating playfulness. You can foster creativity by regularly challenging your beliefs—exposing yourself to films and art you wouldn’t normally consume—and ditching technology and doing something like communicating and navigating the “old-fashioned” way.)

3) See failure in a different light. Try something new without putting pressure on yourself to do it successfully or perfectly, especially if it’s not crucial to your goals. If you don’t accomplish what you set out to do, just accept that it’s the way things turned out and that this doesn’t reflect your value as a person.

(Shortform note: Other authors have offered tips for reframing failure: In The Mental Toughness Handbook, Damon Zahariades says you should view failure as an inevitable part of life and valuable feedback you can learn from, which trains your brain to see future challenges as opportunities to grow from. In Big Magic, Elizabeth Gilbert suggests seeing creative misses as “interesting,” which encourages you to wonder what can be improved. The same principle can be applied to failures outside the creative field—in Think Like a Rocket Scientist, Ozan Varol writes that scientists approach their failures with genuine, disinterested curiosity. All authors echo Dyer in saying that you should believe it’s OK to not be perfect.)

Erroneous Zone #3: Being Unable to Stay in the Present

The next erroneous zone is being unable to stay in the present and instead being trapped in the past or overwhelmed with worries about the future.

Dyer argues that you trap yourself in the past by holding onto self-limiting beliefs and memories that don’t serve you. You may have self-imposed labels (for example, you’re scatterbrained) or believe you are bad at doing some things (like math or art) because these were the messages you heard as a child. Dyer says these labels end up being self-fulfilling prophecies that prevent growth and present-moment happiness—they keep you from new experiences and opportunities that can help you overcome those labels.

(Shortform note: Along with the beliefs that you’re aware of, you may also have limiting beliefs you developed unknowingly. In Everything Is Figureoutable, Marie Forleo writes that your beliefs stem from five sources: your surroundings, proof, your models, your history, and your dreams. Once you’ve reflected on and identified self-limiting beliefs, you can overcome them by adding a new belief: that you can figure out anything you set your mind to. This enables you to combat the negative effects of self-limiting beliefs.)

Aside from holding onto self-limiting beliefs, you may be locked in the past because you carry guilt, says Dyer. You may feel like you must do penance for things you’ve done. But Dyer asserts that guilt is useless because no amount of it can change what’s already happened. While he says self-reflection and learning from the past are important, wallowing in guilt is destructive because you allow your past to dictate your present, derailing your fulfillment and happiness.

(Shortform note: In The Art of Happiness, the Dalai Lama and psychiatrist Howard C. Cutler describe guilt as a denial of suffering, which hinders your happiness. They contend that to be happy, you must accept suffering—in the case of guilt, that means accepting that you, like all humans, make mistakes that cause other people to suffer. Instead of punishing yourself and stoking unconstructive feelings of guilt, they advise approaching mistakes as learning experiences.)

While guilt leaves you stuck in the past, writes Dyer, worry casts your gaze forward, paralyzing you with fear about the future. Although Dyer says that planning for the future is a constructive and practical use of the present, thinking too much about it can make you overly anxious about events that may never happen. He points out that most worries revolve around things that are out of your control, leading to unnecessary stress, wasting your emotional and mental energy, and robbing you of the opportunity to find joy in what’s happening right now.

(Shortform note: In How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, Dale Carnegie agrees with Dyer that not worrying about the future doesn’t mean you shouldn’t prepare for it. He writes that it’s necessary to save for your retirement, plan your schedule, and so on—but trying to prepare for the future by predicting what will happen is a waste of time. Additionally, worry doesn’t just rob you of the present by making you more focused on things that haven’t (and may not) happen rather than on what’s actually happening—it may also affect your health. Carnegie writes that worry can manifest in ulcers, headaches, insomnia, cardiac issues, diabetes, and rashes, among other issues.)

How to Stay in the Present

To stay firmly rooted in the present instead of being preoccupied with the past and the future, Dyer recommends that you:

1) Accept that the past is unchangeable. Stop dwelling on it, except to reflect on how you can deal with a similar situation in the future so that you won’t feel regret. (Shortform note: In The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle writes that the past only exists in your mind: The past was Now when it happened, but in this moment, the past consists only of memories. The more we live in the past, the more we carry pain from past moments with us into the present, which creates resentment, sadness, bitterness, and unforgiveness on top of guilt and regret.)

2) Deliberately do something guilt-inducing. This helps you develop your tolerance for guilt until you learn not to be controlled by it. For example, say no to extra work or spend money on getting your nails done.

(Shortform note: Aside from deliberately doing something guilt-inducing, you can develop your tolerance for guilt by managing your response to guilt trips. A guilt trip is when another person manipulates you to feel bad about your decision. For example, they might make passive-aggressive comments, or they might bring up their sacrifices for you or your past mistakes even if they’re irrelevant. To deal with guilt trips, experts advise being clear about your boundaries and trying to understand why the other person is guilt-tripping you.)

3) Reflect on your past worries. What were some things you worried about in the past? Did these worries come to pass? Examining your worries in this way can help you see the times when worrying was unhelpful and can encourage you to put your anxieties to rest.

4) Allow yourself to worry for a fixed time. Tell yourself that you’ll only worry about something for the next 10 minutes, shortening the time period each time a new worry crops up.

5) Prepare for the worst-case scenario. Dyer says the best way to ease your worries is to prepare for them, so think about the chances that what you’re worried about will happen, then if chances are high, make a plan for dealing with it.

(Shortform note: In How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, Carnegie gives more tips for letting go of worry: 1) Focus on one day at a time, 2) analyze your worries by gathering objective information, sorting through the information, and taking action to calm your worry, 3) cultivate a positive attitude by reframing your thoughts when it comes to irritations and concerns and adopting new habits like being too busy to worry, and 4) manage three common worry triggers: criticism, work, and finances.)

Erroneous Zone #4: Procrastination

Another erroneous zone is procrastination, or intentionally delaying something you’re supposed to do. Dyer contends that procrastination in itself isn’t harmful—it only becomes an erroneous zone when it leads to feelings of distress. He adds that among all the erroneous zones, procrastination is the most common; most of us put things off even when we know that doing so isn’t good for us. More than just avoiding tedious tasks such as, say, doing your taxes, procrastination can manifest in more impactful ways.

For example, you might procrastinate on living a healthier lifestyle (“I’ll start on Monday”) or getting out of an unhealthy relationship.

Positive, Negative, and Neutral Procrastination

Dyer writes that procrastination itself isn’t harmful—in fact, there are positive and neutral forms of procrastination. In Procrastination, Jane Burka and Lenora Yuen explain that it’s positive or neutral when you delay less-important tasks to attend to important ones. These types of procrastination have little to no long-term, negative consequences. Similar to Dyer, Burka and Yuen say negative procrastination means delaying tasks to the extent that you delay living a fulfilling, healthy life. This leads you to perform poorly on tasks, causes you to miss opportunities, strains your relationships, and compromises your physical health.

Negative procrastination also means procrastinating on things like living a healthier lifestyle or making relationship changes. Many people manage this tendency by saying that they’ll start on January 1st, believing that the New Year will help them usher in a new version of themselves. In When, Daniel Pink explains that delaying change in this way is due to the “fresh start effect”—something symbolizing a beginning, like the New Year, lets people draw a line that mentally separates the past and the future. Pink advises taking advantage of the fresh start effect to get started on something you’ve been putting off.

Dyer says the reason you succumb to procrastination is that it absolves you of responsibility to venture into unfamiliar territory and take action. It also allows you to fantasize that things will sort themselves out—for example, you might stay in an unhealthy relationship because you tell yourself it will get better once your partner realizes they need to change.

(Shortform note: In The Procrastination Equation, Piers Steel specifies other reasons we succumb to procrastination. One is that we choose instant gratification over long-term gain—this stems from a human tendency to see future tasks as abstract and immediate tasks as concrete, so we’re more likely to act based on immediate instead of future concerns. Another is that we dislike the task we must complete and prefer to spend time on activities we enjoy doing more.)

How to Stop Procrastinating

Dyer says that to stop procrastinating, you should:

1) Reflect on why you’re delaying something. For example, is it because you’re afraid of failing? Consider the worst possible outcome if you do what you’ve been avoiding—being clear about what you’re avoiding will help you face up to it.

2) Take action, whether that means taking the first step, devoting just five minutes to a task, or finally getting it out of the way.

(Shortform note: Some people may have a more difficult time putting Dyer’s tips into practice. That’s because procrastination may be a complex psychological phenomenon that involves having a poor grasp of time and difficulty regulating emotions. In the same way that depressed people can’t “just cheer up,” procrastinators can’t “just do it already.”)

Erroneous Zone #5: Seeking Fairness

The next erroneous zone is seeking fairness. Dyer says that seeing something as unfair comes from comparison: You think you’re getting less or more than what others are getting and feel the need to even it out. He contends that it’s commendable to work toward fairness, but it becomes self-defeating when it makes you feel negative emotions like rage, apprehension, and bitterness—these all get in the way of your happiness. For example, you might be miserable at work because you think it’s unfair that your coworker gets the same pay as you despite working fewer hours. Or you might be exhausted trying to repay every favor friends do for you.

(Shortform note: If you’re seeking fairness, how can you tell what’s “fair” to begin with? In a broader sense, determining what’s just or unjust can be complicated. In A Theory of Justice, political philosopher John Rawls explains that justice is the goal underlying the rules of society—but there’s no universal sense of justice that all societies agree on. He argues that people can and should determine the distribution of social goods (like rights and wealth) through reason and logic. This idea is the underpinning of his theory of “justice as fairness,” which allows for basic human rights, some degree of social and economic equality, and a safety net for more vulnerable members of society.)

Dyer argues that people hold onto this erroneous zone because it gives them an excuse to seek revenge to right an injustice, even if it means doing something wrong. For example, you might be upset that your partner dumped you for someone else, so you seek “fairness” by spreading private messages between the two of you without their consent—you justify your bad behavior with their bad behavior.

(Shortform note: How do you know where to draw the line between fighting unfairness and doing something wrong? In The Practice of Adaptive Leadership, the authors advise reflecting on your ethics to consider how far you’re willing to go to achieve your purpose. To do this, think about two factors when choosing a course of action: 1) the scope of harm to others, and 2) the scope of harm to yourself.)

How to Stop Seeking Fairness

Here’s how you can overcome this erroneous zone, according to Dyer:

1) Stop comparing yourself to others. Comparing yourself to someone else means you’re placing your happiness in the hands of an external force—you can only be happy if you feel like you have what they have. Recognize your unique value, embrace your strengths, and work on your weaknesses so you can advance toward your goals without the distraction and negative feelings that come from comparison.

(Shortform note: In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown says you can recognize your unique value and increase your sense of self by being creative—for example, by drawing or writing. Since no one else can express their creativity in the same way as you, you’ll be able to see that your creative talents reflect a part of you that’s individual and incomparable.)

2) Be comfortable with scales tipping to one side. Rid yourself of the “eye for an eye” mindset, whether that means revenge or repaying someone’s kindness. (Shortform note: Thinking that everything should always be an equal amount of give and take might be especially unhealthy in marriage, where score-keeping can be counterproductive. Brown instead advocates communicating how much energy each of you has to give and adjusting who should give more support at a given time. For example, if your wife is busy trying to start her own business, you might have to take on more of the household responsibilities.)

3) Act. Rather than wallow in misery about unfairness, do something. For example, if you’re unhappy that your coworker is paid more than you are, ask for a raise or look for a higher-paying job. (Shortform note: If what’s bringing you down isn’t unfairness in your life but unfairness in society in general—for example, the lack of food and shelter for a neighboring community—it can feel overwhelming. In this case, acting might look like: educating yourself about the issues you care about, sharing educational resources on social media, and donating money to organizations that support your cause.)

Erroneous Zone #6: Anger

The final erroneous zone is anger. According to Dyer, you get angry when things don’t go your way, whether it’s because people don’t behave as you’d like them to (for example, your spouse doesn’t do their share of the housework) or you’re faced with a frustrating situation (such as losing your luggage). You may show your anger by lashing out, being sarcastic, or giving others the silent treatment. Dyer says that anger isn’t conducive to communication, and it erodes relationships, yet you may still hold onto it because it enables you to instill fear in others and get them to do what you want to do.

(Shortform note: In Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown similarly describes anger as what we feel when something gets in the way of what we want or disrupts the way we think things should be. But she goes further, describing other emotions that are similar to or build on anger: There’s disgust, which is a strong aversion to something or someone else; contempt, which is a combination of anger and disgust; and hate, which is a combination of contempt and fear of those we believe are truly evil. The antidote to these emotions, says Brown, is empathy, compassion, love, trust, and vulnerability—all of which help you form deeper connections.)

As with other erroneous zones, you might use anger as the easy path, writes Dyer: Instead of doing the hard work of keeping your anger in check, you might tell yourself that being angry is a normal and valid human reaction. While Dyer accepts that letting off steam might be healthier than bottling up your rage, he argues that anger isn’t natural. To him, the best option is to not be angry at all.

(Shortform note: Dyer says that anger isn’t natural, but other experts counter that it’s a natural response to threats. It tells us to protect ourselves when we feel attacked, so it’s crucial to our survival. However, experts do agree that some displays of anger can heighten aggressive feelings rather than relieve them, so we should learn to manage anger. One way to do this is through deep breathing.)

How to Stop Being Angry

Dyer offers tips so you can stop letting anger control you:

1) Delay your anger. Dyer says that when you feel the urge to have an outburst, give yourself a few seconds before you lash out, building up the time each time something triggers you. In time, he writes, you’ll be able to get your anger under control. (Shortform note: Dyer’s advice to give yourself a few seconds before lashing out is similar to other expert advice of counting to 10, which helps you manage your anger. Counting is effective because it forces you to focus on something else rather than stew in your negative feelings.)

2) Have an anger accountability buddy. This person can either call your attention to your anger or hold your hand when your temper flares up—Dyer says that linking hands with a loved one can have a calming effect. (Shortform note: What if you’re on the receiving end of your accountability buddy’s anger? Experts say you should stay calm, listen to them, and try not to respond to their anger with anger. Instead, let them know that you understand where their anger is coming from. Avoid accusing them or saying their feelings are invalid. If you feel your anger escalating, you may want to remove yourself from the situation.)

General Strategies for Eliminating Erroneous Zones

In addition to the strategies for eliminating specific erroneous zones, Dyer has general tips that can apply to any erroneous zone:

1) Keep a journal. Being aware of your erroneous zones allows you to overcome them. To become more aware, Dyer recommends keeping a journal where you take note of instances when you fall into an erroneous zone. For example, write down when you get angry, anxious, or guilty. Reflect on your triggers, and resolve to be more aware of them. (Shortform note: A journal can help you become aware of other emotions aside from anger, anxiety, and guilt. In Designing Your Life, Bill Burnett and Dave Evans contend that a daily journal can help you keep track of what makes you feel joyful, engaged, energized, bored, or drained. Reflecting on these feelings and the activities that brought them about can help you create a more meaningful life.)

2) Love yourself. If you embrace yourself and see your worth, you won’t act in ways that are self-destructive—instead, you’ll base your decisions on your wants and needs, let go of negative emotions that don’t serve you, and do things that will nurture you and help you grow.

(Shortform note: Recognizing the power of loving yourself, Korean band BTS released three albums carrying that theme—Love Yourself: Her, Love Yourself: Tear, and Love Yourself: Answer—which revolve around how self-love is crucial for well-being and positive relationships. Parlaying the theme of the albums, BTS joined forces with UNICEF to launch the Love Myself campaign, which aimed to promote the importance of self-esteem and help end violence and neglect. The underlying message: Big changes in the world start with loving yourself.)