PDF Summary:Who Will Cry When You Die?, by Robin Sharma
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In Who Will Cry When You Die?, self-help guru Robin Sharma wants to know if you’ll feel happy with the life you’ve led when you’re on your deathbed. Sharma thinks that most people lead lives they’ll regret because they focus on the wrong things—success, money, fame—and none of the right things—family, community, love. If you think you might have end-of-life regrets, Sharma provides a collection of pithy life lessons and advice to help you seize control of your life and turn it into one you’ll look back on fondly.
We’ve grouped those lessons into eight broader tactics that will help you cope with adversity, build self-discipline, spread kindness, and more. You’ll come away with actionables you can implement daily to make your life better and background on the philosophies, ideologies, and science on which Sharma draws.
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Rather than making every moment in your life matter, therefore, you might solely make your relationships more meaningful.
Tactic 3: Be Mindful
Mindfulness is another key tactic Sharma recommends to seize control of life. If you’re mindful of the task at hand, you execute it to the best of your ability, he says. You gain more control over what you do and your impact.
(Shortform note: Intense focus on the present can be helpful in your work life, too, according to Cal Newport in Deep Work. Newport’s concept of deep work is an activity that demands all your concentration. As we move toward an economy in which deep work is more necessary than shallow work, honing your ability to do deep work increases your workplace value.)
Sharma recognizes that it’s hard to concentrate because our world is full of distractions. But you possess the power to concentrate: Learn to control your thoughts and focus. If you can’t, your attention will constantly shift, and you’ll never progress toward your purpose.
(Shortform note: Sharma’s advice to control your thoughts and avoid distraction has much in common with Buddhist teachings. In Buddhism, "Right Concentration,” the ability to focus on a single activity or idea, is part of the Buddha’s Eightfold Path that leads to enlightenment. Buddhist teachings add that learning to concentrate intently on negative desires or feelings, such as revenge, does not lead to enlightenment. Your state of mind must be pure and open-hearted, with a desire to attain a higher level of awareness.)
Tactic 4: Cope Appropriately With Difficulty
Sharma’s fourth tactic for gaining control of your life is to handle difficulties with grace. Challenges and hardship are an unavoidable part of life, but you don’t have to let them wrest control from you. We’ll cover two changes to your thinking that will help you cope more effectively with challenges.
Change Your Thinking by Focusing on the Present and Future, Not on the Past
To handle difficulty more gracefully, Sharma demands you exert mental energy only on what you can improve in the present and future rather than on the past. Beating yourself up over unchangeable mistakes only prevents you from moving on.
Instead, says Sharma, figure out what lessons you can derive from your mistake. View mistakes as blessings because they provide you with insights that help you become a better person.
(Shortform note: Sharma tells you to avoid backward-looking and non-productive thinking. This specific type of thinking is called rumination: the act of dwelling on or obsessing over negative events or situations. One way to combat rumination is to orient your focus toward the positives of a situation—similarly to Sharma’s recommendation to view mistakes as lessons, rather than shortcomings. For example, if you feel you made a social gaffe, frame it as a learning experience. You wouldn’t have gained the knowledge to do better next time without this failure.)
Change Your Thinking by Seeing Difference as an Asset
Sharma’s second recommended mental adjustment to cope better with problems is to stop finding fault in things and people that aren’t completely to your liking. See divergence and difference as beautiful and critical to the functioning of the world, not as impediments.
(Shortform note: Since the publication of this book in 1999, celebrating diversity and difference and promoting inclusion have become foundational concerns to the way we live—and especially to the way we work. Businesses usually promote diversity through educational programs and diversity and inclusion groups. For organizations, this ensures employee understanding of difference and compliance with diversity projects, as employers can’t guarantee employees will make the necessary mental adjustments themselves.)
Tactic 5: Seek Help From Others
Sharma’s fifth tactic for taking the reins of your life is to benefit from the wisdom of others. Sharma believes that you can’t possibly accrue all the experiences you need to pursue your purpose first-hand. However, you can gain the learning you’d acquire from those experiences second-hand from others. We’ll talk about two specific ways to gather the wisdom and support of others.
Refer to Your Personal Panel of Imaginary Mentors
Sharma’s first recommendation for gaining input from others is to create an imaginary panel of specialized mentors and turn to them for guidance. When you need advice on a tough problem, imagine what a mentor would tell you.
You don’t have to know these mentors, and they don’t have to even be alive, assures Sharma. They should just be figures you admire and who have something to offer to your life. For instance, your panel might consist of Steve Jobs for advice on innovation, Oprah for advice on self-care, and the Dalai Lama for advice on spirituality.
(Shortform note: Sharma recommends heeding the (imaginary) advice of a panel of specialists in their fields. But David Epstein, author of Range, would argue that it’s wiser to heed the advice of generalists, rather than specialists. Generalists, he feels, are better equipped to handle unpredictability and adapt to novel circumstances than specialists. Therefore, when building your panel of mentors, consider including some generalists who can “advise” you on many areas of life.)
Refer to Your Personal Panel of Real Supporters
In addition to creating your imaginary panel of supporters, Sharma also recommends building an active group of three to four people who offer mutual support in achieving goals. Pick a few friends who have a good head on their shoulders and to whom you, in turn, have something to offer. Set up a weekly meeting with this group to talk through current challenges.
(Shortform note: Sharma recommends creating a support group of at least three to four trustworthy people. Not everyone may know four such people, though, and studies even showed that in 2004, many Americans had no close friends. To meet more people to add to your trusted group of supporters, expand your network of casual friendships and acquaintances. Casual acquaintances can eventually become trusted confidants.)
Tactic 6: Be More Disciplined
Sharma’s sixth tactic for getting a handle on your life is to develop your self-discipline. He believes that in developing discipline, you choose to make active decisions in your life, rather than letting life happen to you—a form of seizing control. We’ll discuss how you can see discipline as a form of self-care, rather than self-punishment.
See Self-Discipline as a Form of Self-Care
Sharma argues that being disciplined is a form of self-care. When you exert discipline over yourself, you make choices that are unpleasant in the short term but better for you in the long term. These hard choices also often guide you toward your purpose. Additionally, by putting in the work to improve yourself, you don’t wait around for the world to force you to improve—an experience that’s usually more painful, claims Sharma.
(Shortform note: Sharma’s a big believer in self-discipline, but others take a more critical stance toward it. Some feel that self-discipline stems from deep-seated anxiety over not finishing projects on time or a sense that your worth is completely based on your performance. Self-discipline, therefore, might not confer greater benefit to you in the long run, as Sharma believes, because you never give yourself the chance to enjoy the fruits of your labors. You’re too busy working to avoid guilt or anxiety over the next project.)
Tactic 7: Practice Kindness
Sharma feels that practicing kindness towards others and oneself is a tactic integral to seizing control of your life. This is because when you show kindness, you more effectively pursue your altruistic purpose in life. Let’s say your purpose is to add value to your community. When you perform community service with a kind disposition, you add more value than if you had a sullen or even neutral disposition.
(Shortform note: Beyond enabling you to more effectively pursue your purpose, practicing self-kindness has other benefits. Being kind to yourself turns off your body’s threat response, thereby calming your heart rate and reducing damage to your immune system. In this relaxed, unthreatened state, your body can regenerate and heal. Being kind to others, in turn, can have a positive impact on your mood and self-esteem.)
Tactic 8: Let Go
Sharma’s final tactic for seizing control of life is to use downtime and mental breaks to be more in control and pursue your purpose more productively.
Sharma recommends incorporating several types of intentional breaks in your daily life, including a weekly personal break to reconnect you to your purpose. The point of these breaks is to refresh your mind and energize you to live the rest of your day or week in service of your purpose—not to disengage from reality, for instance, by scrolling through social media feeds.
(Shortform note: In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown elaborates on the idea that we need intentional breaks in our days by introducing the acronym DIG. People who DIG are good at taking intentional breaks: They’re Deliberate in their choices of what to dedicate their energy toward, Inspired to make things better for themselves, and get Going to act on that inspiration. Applying DIG can help you more proactively take the right kind of break when you need it.)
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PDF Summary Shortform Introduction
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Sharma’s books are now only a facet of a massive brand he’s created around his coaching and self-improvement work. Through Sharma Leadership International, which he founded in 1997, he advises organizations like NASA, Microsoft, Nike, Unilever on leadership and growth tactics. He also produces online courses and video training series, as well as a podcast called The Robin Sharma Mastery Sessions, in which he dispenses life and self-improvement lessons. Further, Sharma founded The Robin Sharma Foundation for Children, which raises and donates funds to children-focused charities.
Connect with Robin Sharma:
The Book’s Publication
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Robin Sharma published _Who Will Cry...
PDF Summary Part 1: The Goal | Stop Wasting Your Life by Seizing Control of It
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To help us to answer this question, a palliative nurse gathered five of the most frequently expressed regrets people had at the end of their days. These are:
I should have been more authentic.
I should have prioritized work less.
I should have said how I felt more often.
I should have clung to important friendships.
I should have been happier.
Rather than thinking broadly about whether or not you’ll be “happy” with your life as Sharma suggests, perhaps ask yourself if you’ll have any of the above regrets on your deathbed. This will help you to identify specific ways you can change your life for the better.
Stop Wasting Your Life by Seizing Control of It
If you want to look back on your life with satisfaction, Sharma says, first understand that you and only you are in control of your life. To lead a life you won’t regret, take action to make that possible—in other words, seize control of your life.
(Shortform note: Sharma tells you to take control of your life, but this can be difficult for someone with an external locus of control....
PDF Summary Part 2: The Tactics | Tactic 1: Stay Focused on Your Purpose
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Strategy #2: Pursue Only Purpose-Aligned Activities During the Day
After the first 30 minutes of your day, only do things that are in line with your purpose, insists Sharma. Figure out what’s non-essential and eliminate it from your schedule. For instance, imagine you’re a public personality with the life’s purpose of connecting deeply with your loved ones. You might initially attend events every night rather than spend time with your family, thus losing alignment with your purpose. Choose instead to eliminate unnecessary events.
(Shortform note: Prioritizing purpose-aligned work over non-purpose-aligned activities sounds similar to Cal Newport’s advice to prioritize deep work over shallow work. Newport argues in Deep Work that you should prioritize deep work, cognitively demanding tasks that only you can do, over shallow work—administrative chores that anyone could handle. Deep work, unlike shallow work, is likely aligned with your purpose.)
Strategy #3: Regularly Step Back to Gain Perspective
When you become weighed down by minor problems and lose sight of your purpose—which may happen despite...
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Learn more about our summaries →PDF Summary Tactic 2: Live Every Day Fully
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Rather than making every moment in your life matter, therefore, you might solely make your relationships more meaningful.
Strategy #1: Live Each Day Like a Micro-Version of Your Life
To live fully, Sharma advises you to view each day as if it were a micro-version of your whole life. If the way you live today reflected the way you live your entire life, what would you do with your 24 hours? Would you mindlessly chase after success or devote time to family and community?
(Shortform note: Sharma’s advice to live every day as if it were a micro-version of your life may not work for everyone. Due to factors outside of your control—poor health, bad weather, emergencies, and so on—it’s simply not possible to live every day as you would want to live your entire life. Further, this approach can create guilt and anxiety when you have a sub-par day. An alternative, less stressful approach is to check in with yourself periodically to make sure you’re generally living in a way that’s reflective of what you want your life to look like.)
Strategy #2: Cherish Your Life
To soak up the most of life, Sharma suggests **actively cherishing life and the moments of...
PDF Summary Tactic 3: Be Mindful
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Sharma recommends five specific strategies to build your ability to be mindful:
Strategy #1: Meditate
Meditation increases your ability to concentrate and be present, says Sharma. He recommends developing a regular meditation practice.
(Shortform note: Sharma recommends you start meditating regularly, but he doesn’t offer specific suggestions on how to do that. A basic practice is to develop an awareness of your body and breathing and to stay with the in- and outflow of the breath until your mind wanders. When you notice your mind wandering, bring your attention back to the breath without admonishing yourself for having lost concentration. Do this for a set amount of time, like 10 or 15 minutes.)
Strategy #2: Read Mindfully
Read something physical (like a book or magazine) and mark in the margin of the text whenever you become distracted, advises Sharma. This shows you how often you get lost in thought and lets you practice coming back to presence.
(Shortform note: Sharma advises you to notice when you get distracted while reading, but reading offers several other ways to strengthen your mindfulness muscle,...
PDF Summary Tactic 4: Cope Appropriately With Difficulty
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(Shortform note: Since the publication of this book in 1999, celebrating diversity and difference and promoting inclusion have become foundational concerns to the way we live—and especially to the way we work. Businesses usually promote diversity through educational programs and diversity and inclusion groups. For organizations, this ensures employee understanding of difference and compliance with diversity projects, as employers can’t guarantee employees will make the necessary mental adjustments themselves.)
Change Your Actions to Cope Appropriately With Difficulty
Now that you’ve changed your thought patterns to cope more skillfully with difficulty, Sharma recommends adopting three actions to handle difficulty on a daily basis:
Control Your Anger
Sharma strongly advises you to learn how to control angry outbursts. Reacting with anger is a habit that can ruin relationships and cause others to label you as a hothead.
The Power of Anger
Sharma advises you to get your temper under control. But are there ever times when reacting in anger...
PDF Summary Tactic 5: Seek Help From Others
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(Shortform note: Sharma recommends creating a support group of at least three to four trustworthy people. Not everyone may know four such people, though, and studies even showed that in 2004, many Americans had no close friends. To meet more people to add to your trusted group of supporters, expand your network of casual friendships and acquaintances. Casual acquaintances can eventually become trusted confidants.)
Hire a Life Coach
In addition to an informal support system, Sharma also believes you might benefit from hiring a life coach. An experienced life coach can help you arrange the pieces of your life to better achieve your purpose. They also offer an outside perspective to help you form the right patterns of behaviors and thoughts faster than you could alone.
(Shortform note: Sharma advises you to get a life coach to benefit from their expertise and perspective. Paradoxically, there’s been an increase in the number of life coaches aged between 25 and 35—an age group, one...
PDF Summary Tactic 6: Be More Disciplined
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Taking action can be difficult, admits Sharma. But the good news is that by regularly taking disciplined actions, those actions become increasingly appealing and easy to make. If you keep pushing yourself to socialize, it will become easier and more fun.
(Shortform note: Science backs up Sharma’s claim that your enjoyment of a difficult activity increases the more you do it—specifically, science around running for exercise. While running can be unpleasant at first, the neurological benefits—reduced stress and increased mindfulness—eventually make it enjoyable. Of course, it takes time to reach that stage of enjoyment, and in the meantime, you can make running—or any other activity—easier by starting small and building up. As long as you’re acting on your intention in some way, even small, you’re heading in the right direction.)
Follow Through by Always Being Honest
A specific way to exert better follow-through on your intentions, according to Sharma, is to refrain from saying things you don’t mean: Don’t make commitments to yourself and others that you can’t...
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PDF Summary Tactic 7: Practice Kindness
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Strategy #2: Send Kindness When You Spend Money
When spending money, spread kindness spiritually by being grateful that the money came to you and passing it along with kind wishes, suggests Sharma. Gratitude is a form of kindness to yourself because it makes you aware of the blessings in your life. Furthermore, by wishing that the recipient benefits from your money, you enhance your capacity for compassion—a form of kindness to others.
(Shortform note: You can deploy gratitude to make your life better outside the realm of monetary transactions—for instance, to build new good habits, writes Atomic Habits author James Clear. When implementing a challenging habit—like regular exercise—feel grateful that you have the mobility to exercise, rather than fixating on any inconveniences of working out.)
Strategy #3: Send Thank You Notes
One way to practically spread kindness to others is to send thank you notes, writes Sharma. This small act of gratitude can have a hugely positive effect on the recipient.
(Shortform note: Sharma recommends writing more thank you notes, but this is a form...
PDF Summary Tactic 8: Let Go
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Break #2: Short Imaginary Holidays as Needed
In addition to weekly breaks, take short imaginary holidays when you need a quick refresh, says Sharma. An imaginary holiday is simply a visualization of being in your favorite vacation spot, which you can do at any time during the day.
To take an imaginary holiday, writes Sharma, close your eyes and envision yourself in your favorite holiday destination. See the scenery, smell the smells, feel the atmosphere. You trick your brain into thinking you are on holiday and derive many of the same replenishing benefits.
(Shortform note: You might consider Sharma’s description of an imaginary holiday a form of self-hypnosis. In self-hypnosis, you achieve a state of focus and suggestibility and then visualize in great detail a goal you’d like to achieve, such as giving up smoking or, as Sharma suggests, relaxation. You can use self-hypnosis as a tool for improved sleep, weight loss, and even pain management. It’s important to practice self-hypnosis regularly and firmly believe in its power to get the most benefit from it.)