PDF Summary:Verbal Judo, by George Thompson

Wouldn’t it be great if everyone understood each other, and nobody yelled at a customer service representative or got into a fight over whose turn it is to take out the trash? We’d likely all be less stressed if we lived in that world. But since we don’t, law enforcement trainer and English professor George Thompson wrote Verbal Judo to explain how to handle any tense situation calmly.

Thompson contends that by using a form of “tactical communication” inspired by the Japanese martial art judo, you can resolve even the most stressful confrontation without losing your cool. Verbal Judo involves directing the other person’s energy toward a solution that makes everyone feel understood.

In this guide, we’ll outline Thompson’s advice for putting yourself in the state of mind to empathize and listen, determine what’s happening, and persuade even the angriest person to cooperate. We’ll also compare the principles of his method to other experts’ recommendations for navigating tough conversations.

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Impartiality

A third principle of Verbal Judo is to adopt an attitude of what Thompson calls “disinterest” toward personal insults or attacks that might come your way. It’s one thing to stay calm when someone gets angry about something that doesn’t directly involve you—but it’s quite another to keep your cool when they insult you personally. Adopting an attitude of impartiality means that you don’t take it personally when someone says something hurtful to you, because people often say things they don’t mean in the heat of the moment.

(Shortform note: Like some of the other principles that Thompson incorporates into Verbal Judo, you can understand disinterest as a spiritual virtue as well as a tool to use in difficult conversations. Medieval theologian Meister Eckhart wrote about disinterest as the highest of virtues, one that can bring us closer to God as we learn to let go of the external world and our attachments to it. Scholar D.T. Suzuki compared the idea to the Buddhist principle of emptiness, which describes a way of perceiving the world directly, without getting caught up in our emotions and presumptions. By just watching your experiences, like anger or frustration, you can see them for what they are, no more and no less—a more enlightened mode of perception.)

Thompson explains that learning to avoid taking things personally keeps you and others from getting hurt. If you recognize that someone is only saying what they’re saying because they’re feeling frustrated, angry, or scared, then you’ll be less inclined to react to their words by saying things that might hurt them or even damage your relationship in the long run. By adopting an attitude of impartiality and not engaging with attacks or accusations, you can sidestep others’ most hurtful words and instead put the focus back on the issue at hand—like a judo practitioner who wants to dodge an attack rather than to mount an attack of their own.

For example, imagine that you’re at a neighborhood association meeting. If another member rudely interrupts you and criticizes your idea for renovating the community garden as “ridiculous” or “impractical,” you can maintain an attitude of impartiality. Instead of letting the harsh words derail you—and retaliating with some sharp words of your own—you can acknowledge his concerns and refocus the discussion. By staying impartial and deflecting the rude remarks, you keep the meeting productive and sidestep the personal attack.

(Shortform note: Other experts agree with Thompson that it’s best not to let angry words bother you. In The Four Agreements, don Miguel Ruiz writes that you should never take anything personally. Ruiz explains that when someone says something hurtful to you, that feedback says much more about them than it says about you. Everybody has their perspective and therefore has their truth, and Ruiz contends that their input is unimportant. By learning to not let other people’s words hurt you, you can become less afraid of being hurt. That, in turn, will make you more capable of being open and vulnerable with others.)

How Can You Practice Verbal Judo?

Once you understand the principles of Verbal Judo, there are practical ways you can use them in tense situations at work, home, and elsewhere. In this section, we’ll explore how Thompson advises using Verbal Judo to handle conflicts in your day-to-day life.

Read the Other Person

In the same way that a judo practitioner responds to a physical attack with an awareness of their opponent’s intentions, you can respond to a verbal confrontation by reading the other person and figuring out who they are and what they need from the encounter. In other words, you can use empathy—which we discussed earlier—to better understand other people and more easily resolve conflicts. To do this, Thompson writes that it’s helpful to learn to recognize what kind of person you’re dealing with. He contends that people fall into one of three categories:

First are people who tend to cooperate and like to avoid confrontation. Thompson explains that you probably won’t have to use your skills in Verbal Judo when you encounter this sort of person. But he points out that the fact that someone cooperates with you doesn’t mean you should neglect to treat them thoughtfully or respectfully.

Second are people who resist authority. They might push back on your requests, and Thompson explains that they tend to ask “why?” He explains that you should always give a genuine answer to this question: Answering “why” a particular course of action is best gives you a chance to explain how the solution you’re proposing will help the other person. That makes them more likely to decide to cooperate with you.

Third are people who present themselves as cooperative but really resent authority. Thompson explains that this person will often speak courteously in the moment and only later complain about you or try to seek revenge. It’s hard to know when someone falls into this category because they aren’t honest about their feelings. But once you’ve recognized that someone is this kind of person, Thompson recommends being direct with them and allowing them to either voice their complaints or decline to do so.

Thompson explains that once you determine what kind of person you’re dealing with, you’ll know how to handle the conversation. With people who tend to cooperate, all you need to do is propose a good solution, and they’ll likely be happy to go along with you. With people who resist authority, you should focus on explaining what they’ll gain by cooperating—or what they’ll lose by refusing—to get them on board. And with people who act cooperative but feel resentful, you should ask them for their opinion: If they have something useful to contribute, they will—and otherwise they’ll just cooperate. The goal is to interact with each type of person effectively but respectfully, using what you know about their personality.

How Do Professionals Handle the Three Personality Types?

If you want to see the expert way to deal with Thompson’s three personality types, pay attention the next time you go to the airport. The stresses of air travel can bring out the worst in people. So airlines sometimes send flight attendants and gate agents to Verbal Judo training, where they learn techniques for getting people to follow the rules and preventing confrontations from escalating.

Thompson’s first type of person, who tends to cooperate, is the most common. So when a gate agent makes an announcement, they often explain what they want everyone to do and why. If they want you to stay in your seat a little longer to leave a clear path for people who need to get on the plane early, they explain that logic. They know that most people at the gate will cooperate if they know the rules and why they exist.

The second kind of person, who resists authority, might be the person the gate agent is talking to in a slow, patient voice. Maybe this person wants to take a carry-on bag that’s too big onto the plane. The gate agent probably explains what they gain by cooperating (maybe they can gate-check the bag for free) or what they’ll lose by not cooperating (perhaps they won’t be allowed on the plane if they won’t check the bag). The person gets to choose.

The third kind of person, who cooperates first and complains later, might be the person being offered extra miles or an upgraded seat by a flight attendant. (Perhaps this person felt like the gate agent didn’t hear their concerns, and they’re complaining to the flight attendant about it later.) Well-trained airline workers know how to work with even the grumpiest travelers—and find a solution that gets everyone in their seats in time for the scheduled departure.

Figure Out What’s Happening

Another important Verbal Judo method is to take the time to analyze the situation—whether it’s a confrontation with a customer, an accusation from a friend, or an argument with your partner—in much the same way that you worked to understand the person you’re dealing with. You want to reach a resolution that satisfies everyone, and you can’t do that until you understand the issue. Thompson advises following four steps to assess what’s going on:

1. Step Outside of Your Point of View

The first step in determining what’s happening is to consider the situation from your point of view and the other person’s point of view. Thompson explains that there’s the problem as you see it and the problem as the other person sees it, and you have to consider both when trying to identify a solution that will satisfy everyone. This may require you to exercise your skills in impartiality, which we discussed earlier in the guide.

For example, imagine you’re arguing with your partner over your finances. If they accuse you of overspending, you could respond by accusing them of being too stingy or of dismissing your needs—or you could think about how purchases that you consider necessary might not seem as urgent to them. You’re each looking at a different problem, and your joint task is figuring out how to solve both.

(Shortform note: It seems intuitive that imagining yourself in someone else’s shoes could help you understand what they think, want, or feel—or at least help you persuade them to your way of thinking, as Dale Carnegie argues in How to Win Friends and Influence People. But in recent studies, perspective-taking didn’t have the expected effect of helping people better understand each other: Trying to imagine things from another person’s point of view made study participants less accurate at guessing that person’s feelings or preferences. This suggests that just imagining how someone else might feel isn’t enough to really help you understand them and their point of view. But it might help you to care more about them and what they think.)

2. Consider the Other Person’s History

The second step in assessing the situation is to think about how the other person has ideas and a history that differ from yours. By pinpointing these differences, you can remind yourself that the other person isn’t misinterpreting the facts: They simply don’t approach the situation from the same place that you do.

For example, in the argument with your partner about your budget, it might help you to remind yourself that your partner grew up with a very different socioeconomic background than you did. Remembering what it was like for their family to have less money while growing up might make them more cautious with their spending now. Conversely, your family’s more comfortable economic bracket probably contributes to your confidence in your savings and your comfort with spending more.

How Can You Understand Someone If You Don’t Know Their History?

It’s tempting to think it’s impossible to understand another person if you don’t have years of shared history (and sometimes even if you do). But the 2004 film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind explores how our intuitions and feelings about other people give us a powerful ability to understand them, even when we don’t have shared memories to rely on. In the movie, Joel discovers that his ex-girlfriend Clementine has undergone a procedure to erase him from her memory. He decides to erase her, too—and regrets it.

Film writer George Toles explains that Joel’s perceptions and memories of Clementine represent her only imperfectly. But as Joel’s memories of Clementine disappear, he can still understand who she is. Toles writes that the movie demonstrates that “the inventory of things I know about ‘you’ does not rationally, authoritatively, organize (or limit) my sense of who you are.” This point of view on intuition deepens Thompson’s idea that you can understand another person even if all you know about them is that they’re different from you, and even if you can only imagine their history and inner life.

3. Determine What’s in Your Way

The third step in figuring out what’s going on in a tense situation is identifying the obstacles blocking your path to a resolution. The other person might have beliefs or personality traits that keep them from agreeing to your ideas about solving the problem. Or they might be feeling strong emotions that will affect their decisions. Thompson writes that you can either find a way to step around these obstacles or directly address them.

For example, you might learn that your partner feels that if you skip setting money aside for savings for a month, then you’ll never catch up. Once you understand this belief, you can address it, perhaps by sharing your plan to contribute extra to your savings account when you get your bonus next month.

(Shortform note: Finding a way around the obstacles between you and the resolution you want in a conflict can sometimes require some improvisation, a principle demonstrated in many martial arts movies. For example, Jackie Chan’s characters often use whatever’s at hand as a makeshift weapon—a strategy adopted by the 2022 film Everything Everywhere All At Once. The movie’s highly choreographed fight scenes feature some outlandish weapons: dildos, a dog, and a fanny pack. No matter how stressful your job, you probably don’t have to fight off a villain who wants to compress the universe into a bagel. Still, experts say one key to improvising successfully is to let yourself explore unconventional ideas instead of judging them right away.)

4. Show That You Care About the Other Person

The fourth step in ensuring you know what’s happening is demonstrating that you understand the other person and that you’re concerned about them and their well-being. Thompson explains that you should make it clear that you want to solve the problem in a way that’s agreeable to both of you.

For example, you can explain to your partner that you want a budget you’re both comfortable with. You might apologize for not checking in with them about your planned purchase. And you might promise that next time, you’ll have a conversation to ensure you’re on the same page—and you’ll take the time to make the decision together if you’re not.

(Shortform note: A classic way people try to show others they care is by learning to speak each other’s “love languages,” introduced by Gary Chapman in The 5 Love Languages. Many people have found the book helpful, but experts say the concept doesn’t hold up under scientific scrutiny. Research shows that most people don’t have just one love language, and there are more than five ways to express their love. Plus, couples who share a primary love language aren’t happier in their relationships than people who “speak” different languages. Some therapists think focusing on love languages can get in the way of asking yourself the most important question: How can you make the other person feel understood and cared for?)

Leave Your Ego Out of It

After you’ve figured out what kind of person you’re dealing with and determined exactly what’s happening, another Verbal Judo method is to approach conflicts as if they’re impersonal, even when they feel very personal. Thompson explains that people can become antagonistic under stress. They might blame you, even if you didn’t do anything wrong. But Thompson argues that it’s not productive to let your feelings get hurt: It’s more important to demonstrate that you understand the needs the other person is expressing (even if they aren’t doing so in words) than to protect your ego.

Drawing on your ability to enter the mushin state of mind, which we discussed earlier in the guide, you can stay calm even when emotions run high. Thompson recommends using two strategies to stay focused on solving the problem rather than protecting your ego:

1. Acknowledge But Don’t Address Insults

First, Thompson explains that you can make someone feel heard without engaging with personal attacks or insults. For example, if a customer yells at you and says that you and the company you work with are stupid, there’s no need to refute those claims. Instead, you can just make it clear that you’ve heard the complaint and then move toward a resolution with a statement like, “I hear you, and I have an idea about how we can get this resolved for you.”

(Shortform note: Other experts agree with Thompson that ignoring an insult is often the most productive strategy. Psychiatrist Neel Burton, author of Stoic Stories, writes that the philosophers of the ancient Greek school of thought called Stoicism believed it’s better to ignore an insult than to respond to it. Burton writes that the idea is to remind yourself of what you’re trying to accomplish in a situation and focus on that goal, rather than getting sidetracked by figuring out how to best handle someone’s hurtful words or actions. Experts say that the Stoics sought to increase positive emotions and decrease negative ones. Avoiding overreacting—or even reacting at all—to insults might be one way to do that.)

2. Mirror Their Feelings Back to Them

Second, you can interrupt someone to state what you’ve heard back to them, using the interruption to keep the conversation from spinning out of control and show that you’re trying to understand how the other person sees things. For example, you could say to a friend who’s upset, “Hang on, I want to make sure I’ve got this straight. You’re feeling like I don’t appreciate you because you’ve had to plan our recent get-togethers, right?” Even though you feel that you do appreciate your friend—and you might be tempted to remind them of all of the ways you’ve shown your appreciation—putting what they’ve expressed into your own words shows them that you understand how they’re feeling.

(Shortform note: Reflective listening—using another person’s words to summarize what they’ve said to you—is a technique that many people have learned from therapy. It can be a helpful tool during tough conversations. But experts worry that when “therapy speak” enters everyday conversation, it can flatten nuance and keep us from figuring out what we feel and how to move forward. For example, many people use reflective listening to tell others that their feelings are “valid.” But psychologist Jonathan Shedler objects to that language, noting that while it’s helpful to validate someone’s experience, judging whether their emotions are valid doesn’t help you understand their experience or figure out how to help.)

Listen Actively and Openly

The next Verbal Judo method is to put as much effort into your listening as you do into your talking. Thompson advises using a technique called active listening. This kind of listening involves not only listening purposefully to the other person, but staying open to what they have to say and communicating (verbally and non-verbally) that you’re understanding.

(Shortform note: Experts consider listening an active, rather than passive, skill: one where you use verbal and nonverbal communication to make everyone feel heard. But active listening isn’t natural or comfortable for everyone. Often, neurotypical people learn to make direct eye contact, sit still, nod, and respond with facial expressions when they listen. That’s not necessarily true for neurodivergent people, whose brains develop, learn, or process information in ways that aren’t considered “typical.” They don’t necessarily show that they’re listening in the same way, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t engaged. Experts say we should learn each other’s communication styles and body language so everyone feels understood in the way they communicate.)

Thompson offers a few practical methods you can use to practice active listening:

1. Ask Them to Explain

Going into a tense conversation, you might have some context to work with. But when you need to know how someone is thinking or feeling, ask them! Thompson explains that active listening can involve asking open-ended questions about what’s happening, what their opinions are, and how they’d like the problem to be solved. As you listen, try to do so without jumping to conclusions or being influenced by preconceived notions.

2. Ask Whether You’re Understanding Correctly

Active listening doesn’t require intuiting what the other person means: When you state a person’s complaint back to them, you can also ask if you’re understanding correctly. This question gives you a practical way to ensure you know what’s happening. And it clearly shows the other person that you’re trying to understand them. This can help them dial things back: They’ll still be frustrated or angry, but they’ll be more likely to cooperate with you to resolve the argument or problem.

3. Make It Obvious That You’re Listening

Another crucial part of active listening is letting the other person know you’re really hearing them. Thompson argues that appearing to listen closely might be even more important than actually listening closely in de-escalating a tense situation. He recommends using your body language—like making direct eye contact or nodding your head—to show that you’re listening. Or use phrases—like “I understand,” “That makes sense,” or “I see”—to communicate that you’re paying attention to what they’re saying.

(Shortform note: Listening well takes a lot of work because we have to step outside our perspective to do it. Carl Rogers, one of the psychologists who coined the term “active listening,” explained that listening can make someone else feel less alone and less stuck. Asking questions, clarifying what the other person says, and affirming that you hear them, as Thompson suggests, can help you see things from their point of view. But to stay focused on that perspective, you have to resist the temptation to offer your interpretation, which Rogers noted often comes from “[y]our own needs to see the world in certain ways.” In other words, the goal isn’t to find an opportunity to share your opinion, but to understand the other person better.)

Do Octopuses Practice Active Listening, Too?

Using body language and other forms of nonverbal communication is an important part of social interactions—whether you’re a human or an octopus. The Soul of an Octopus author Sy Montgomery notes that research suggests that these animals are incredibly intelligent, with their own emotions and personalities. (Some experts estimate octopuses are as intelligent as a three-year-old child.) Scientists say that while octopuses were once thought to be strictly solitary creatures, they’re quite social and sometimes very confrontational with each other. Experts say that octopuses seem to use their color, posture, and arm movements of their eight arms to communicate with each other.

Octopuses change the color and brightness of their skin as a signal to one another, adopting a dark color when they intend to confront one another and choosing a paler color when they intend to retreat. They also seem to make themselves larger and taller to send a message, though scientists aren’t sure yet what that message is. But experts say that the way octopuses use and interpret body language seems effective at helping the animals resolve conflict and find a way to get along—just as humans use body language to show that they’re paying attention and understanding what others are saying.

Be Persuasive Without Being Condescending

The final method for practicing Verbal Judo in your daily life is to pay close attention to the language you use. Thompson explains that even when it’s your job as a professional (or as a parent) to get someone to cooperate with you, you can do that without using language that feels condescending to others.

(Shortform note: Experts say that when people sound condescending, it’s often because they’re feeling attacked and are trying to demonstrate their superiority. That can be an easy trap to fall into when you’re trying to convince someone that you know how to resolve a conflict or solve a problem. But experts say you can avoid sounding like you think you know better than the other person if you choose your words carefully. They recommend focusing on listening instead of talking, waiting to give advice until you have the other person’s permission, and listening to the other person’s view of the problem before trying to propose a solution.)

Thompson points out that most people don’t respond positively to being told what to do. So in many cases, just issuing instructions won’t yield the results you want. If instead, you respect the other person’s agency and acknowledge that their cooperation with you is a choice, you’re more likely to get them to go along with what you’d like them to do. Thompson has a five-step method for persuading someone to cooperate:

• The first step is to request that they do what you’d like them to do. By clearly articulating what you want to happen, you’re explaining your goal.
• The second step is to explain the rationale for your request if the person hesitates to cooperate with you. Explaining “why” you’re asking them to do something makes it easier for the other person to understand the rules or reasoning.
• The third step—if they still haven’t been persuaded—is to explain what will happen if they cooperate with you or if they don’t. This acknowledges that they’re making a choice and gives them the information they need to make it.
• The fourth step—if the other person still doesn’t want to cooperate—is to ask whether there’s anything you can do to get them to cooperate. You’re addressing the fact that they aren’t going along with you, and giving them a chance to choose.
• The fifth step, if the other person still declines to go along with the solution you’ve proposed, is to follow through and respond to their lack of cooperation in the way you said you would.

For example, imagine you need to ask your roommate to clean up the dishes they left in the kitchen sink. You could start by asking, “Hey, could you please wash the dishes?” (Step 1). If they hesitate, you could explain, “I’ve left dishes in the sink before, and it attracts cockroaches” (Step 2). If they still wave you off, you could say, “If we clean the kitchen when it needs to be cleaned, it’ll be healthier and easier for all of us. If not, we’ll need to create a cleaning schedule” (Step 3). If they still just say they’ll do the dishes later, you can ask, "Is there something I could do that might make tidying up easier for you?” (Step 4). If there’s still no action, follow through: “Let’s make that cleaning schedule, then” (Step 5).

How Do Other Experts Recommend Getting Someone to Cooperate With You?

Getting someone to decide to cooperate with you can be a challenge. Experts have proposed many step-by-step methods for working through a disagreement. Like Thompson’s, many of these methods hinge on using language carefully and respectfully when you address the issue. In Difficult Conversations, Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen write that the first step to understanding each other and solving a problem together is to find the “third story”: an objective version of events you can both agree on.

To find the third story, you don’t have to know the other person’s entire history: You just have to focus on the difference between you (like the fact that while you prefer to wash the dishes right away, your roommate feels it’s OK to leave them in the sink). You can use what the other person has said as their side of the story, ask them for their input, and then discuss the matter until you both agree on the third story. Next, the authors recommend inviting the other person to join you in finding a solution to the problem. You can’t force them to cooperate, as Thompson points out. But if you state your purpose, they know what they’re agreeing (or disagreeing) to participate in and realize they’re making a decision.

Similarly, in Crucial Accountability, Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, David Maxfield, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler write that you can resolve a disagreement while preserving your relationship with the other person if you approach the conversation carefully. They recommend that once you’ve established the issue and how you’d like to resolve it, you can address barriers to that solution by explaining the negative consequences that the other person might encounter by not cooperating. The goal isn’t to frame the natural consequences as threats or scare them into going along with your solution: Instead, it’s to inform the other person of what they might not know or realize.