PDF Summary:Unconditional Parenting, by Alfie Kohn

How can we raise kids to be self-confident, independent, and compassionate? In Unconditional Parenting, author and lecturer Alfie Kohn argues that we should throw away the standard parenting rulebook and replace it with a new approach built on unconditional support, acceptance, and understanding.

Find out what kids really need from their parents, why using rewards and punishments doesn’t work (and can even backfire) in the long term, and what you can do to make your kids feel loved and valued for who they are rather than what they do.

In this guide, we highlight Kohn’s practical advice and add a few more techniques to try out. We also update Kohn’s research and consider ideas from development experts with similar approaches, including Maria Montessori and Janet Lansbury.

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Why You Should Stop Rewarding Children

According to Kohn, we shouldn’t use rewards with children because:

1. They don’t build intrinsic motivation. Rewards tie behavior to external incentives, rather than allowing children to discover their own internal motivation. This means that when the reward disappears, the behavior will also disappear. In fact, Kohn points out that rewards even seem to decrease intrinsic motivation. For example, one study found that rewarding very young children for helping made them less likely to help later when no reward was available. Praise has the same negative effect.

2. They create pressure to succeed. Research shows that academic pressure can cause intense stress, which in turn leads to substance abuse, depression, and anxiety. Kohn argues that pressure to succeed is especially damaging in competitive situations, when one person’s success comes at the expense of someone else’s. In these situations, children are more likely to take shortcuts (for example, cheating on a test).

3. They can become addictive. This especially applies to praise. Kohn argues that if you praise children too much, they start needing to hear it constantly to feel good about themselves. This dynamic doesn’t allow them to develop the robust, stable self-esteem that they’ll need to be happy later on.

Rewards: What Does the Research Say?

Kohn cites quite a bit of research, mostly springing from a wave of academic interest in rewards and punishments in the 1970s, to support his case that rewards are always either unhelpful or damaging. However, the actual picture may be more complex—even if we only look at papers published during that period.

While children do seem to lose interest in activities after they get a promised reward for doing them, “high-value” rewards (in this case, rewards that the children had nominated beforehand that they wanted to receive) seem to make children more likely to keep doing boring tasks after they’re allowed to stop. More recently, researchers found that rewards plus either peer modeling or repeated exposure helps kids to not only eat more fruits and vegetables but also to like them more. For example, rewarding 4- to 6-year-old kids with a sticker every time they tasted a new vegetable made them like the new vegetables more.

The issue of praise may also be more complicated than Kohn suggests. One study, for example, found that while material rewards made 3-year-olds less likely to share, praise didn’t. It may be that consistent positive feedback is more effective for younger children or children in the early stages of developing a skill.

Conditional Parenting Strategy #2: Punishments

Parents commonly use punishments (or the threat of punishments) to discourage behavior they see as problematic. As with rewards, Kohn’s definition of punishments is broader than most common definitions: He includes isolation and the withdrawal of parental attention alongside physical punishments and temporarily not allowing a child to do something she enjoys.

What Counts as a Punishment?

A punishment is any deliberate attempt to make a child suffer following “bad” behavior. Punishments include:

Physical punishments such as spanking, slapping, or handling a child roughly when they misbehave. These punishments are especially damaging because they teach children that it’s okay to use violence to solve problems, which may be why they’re also linked to aggressive behavior. Kohn notes that even in communities in which parents use spanking more (and in which parents are more likely to justify it with, “It didn’t do any damage to me”), children still show adverse outcomes.

(Shortform note: Many parents make the decision not to spank their children on philosophical and moral grounds. For those who want hard evidence one way or the other, the picture is extremely murky. For example, aggression outcomes may be influenced by the child’s gender: One study found that 1-year-old male babies who were spanked are more likely to be bullies at age 3, while female babies who were spanked at the same age are less likely to be bullies. Some researchers even argue that Sweden’s spanking ban, enacted in 1979, increased crime, violent child abuse in particular, in subsequent decades.)

Criticism. Kohn argues that criticizing kids is damaging to their self-esteem in the long run. He suggests that if you have to criticize, try to do it as little as possible and always make sure the criticism is specific (for example, “Pulling the cat’s tail hurts her” rather than “Don’t hurt animals”). (Shortform note: Research supports Kohn’s warning about criticizing children. Criticism from parents can lead to depression in children, and parents also typically underestimate how often they criticize their kids.)

“Love withdrawals,” such as time-outs, ignoring the child, and briefly pulling back emotionally from the child. Kohn says that these are ways of inflicting emotional pain on the child and that they can be even more damaging than physical punishments. (Shortform note: Kohn’s framing of these techniques as “love withdrawals” is one of his more controversial opinions. Though they’re not recommended for very young children, time-outs are still widely recommended as a disciplinary measure—including by the CDC, which claims that they work not because children are afraid of losing love but because they hate to be bored.)

Taking away “privileges” (things the child enjoys). Kohn argues that taking away privileges isn’t ideal because it doesn’t directly link the problem behavior with the consequence—unlike, for example, making a child clean up the colorful crayon mural she’s drawn on the walls. (Shortform note: Some experts recommend allowing a child to experience the “natural consequences” of their behavior, such as allowing him to get wet if he doesn’t put on his raincoat, even arguing that doing this increases kids’ intrinsic motivation to avoid uncomfortable consequences. However, despite his overall inclination toward non-intervention, Kohn warns against this strategy in most cases. He says that the thing children are most likely to learn from this setup is that you could have helped them but chose not to.)

Why You Should Stop Punishing Children

According to Kohn, we shouldn’t use punishments with children because:

1. They don’t help the child to develop internal moral standards. Punishments don’t teach children to take responsibility for their behavior, repair relationships, or fix the problems they’ve caused.

2. They can be counterproductive: A child’s negative reaction to a punishment (for example, yelling or crying) might prompt the parent to punish more, locking both into a vicious cycle of punishments with increasing stakes.

3. They misdirect children’s attention, causing them to focus on the punishment itself and their anger about it rather than the problem behavior.

4. They cultivate either rebellion or overcompliance in the long term. Children whose parents rely on harsh punishments usually turn out in one of two ways: They stop questioning authority in a healthy way and end up completely disempowered, or they deliberately rebel. And in the case of rebellion, punishments simply encourage children to focus on not getting caught, rather than discouraging the behavior itself.

Alternatives to Punishment: Janet Lansbury on Physical Restraint and Holding Boundaries

Kohn talks about a lot of things parents shouldn’t do, but he doesn’t offer many concrete alternatives. In the short term, the reality is that if a child is doing something that might injure herself or others, you need to intervene. In these cases, well-known parenting writer and podcaster Janet Lansbury recommends physically restraining the child as necessary and saying “I won’t let you… (hit, bite, kick, etc.)”

Lansbury also talks about the need for parents to set and hold boundaries, which Kohn doesn’t see as very important. While Kohn believes that unconditional acceptance alone makes kids feel safe, Lansbury believes that boundaries are also crucial and that kids—even as they’re throwing a tantrum—understand strong boundaries as a form of love.

Part 3: Unconditional Parenting: Guidelines and Techniques

We’ve covered the broad differences between conditional and unconditional parenting and the case for getting rid of conditional parenting techniques. But what exactly do we replace them with? In this section, we’ll list six practical guidelines that you can refer to if you’d like to try out unconditional parenting. Kohn deliberately doesn’t offer scripts or specific advice, saying that paying attention, reflecting, and following the principles is enough. Parents have criticized him for this, however, so for each guideline, we’ll add one or two specific techniques for you to experiment with.

Kohn sets out 13 guidelines in the book. The ones we present here don’t overlap exactly with these—some of these (such as respecting the child and prioritizing the relationship) are more theoretical, so we’ve already covered them elsewhere.

Guideline #1: See Things From the Child’s Perspective

According to Kohn, the basis for all unconditional parenting techniques is empathy. Young children get carted from place to place, they’re physically smaller and weaker than adults, and in general they have very little control over their lives. They’re also dealing with impulses and emotions they don’t understand, rapidly changing bodies and brains, and new and confusing social situations. Your child’s needs and emotions might not make much sense to you (for example, you might not be too worried about monsters under the bed), but you should take them seriously because your child takes them seriously. In particular, don’t dismiss behavior as “attention-seeking”—wanting attention is a perfectly legitimate human need.

Kohn adds that when you’re trying to figure out your child’s motivations for doing something you don’t like, he recommends going with the most generous interpretation possible of what you’ve observed, for two reasons: First, you don’t want to jump to conclusions that might not be correct, and second, kids internalize the motivations we attribute to them (for example, if you say, “Don’t be selfish, share your toys,” the child might interpret this to mean that she’s a selfish person). Showing empathy to your kids also models the empathetic behavior you want them to grow into later.

See Things From the Child’s Perspective: The “Give in Fantasy What You Can’t Give in Reality” Technique

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, suggest that parents forestall tantrums by giving in fantasy what they can’t give in reality. For example, if you’re at the supermarket with a child and she decides she wants a big bag of candy, instead of saying “no,” try playfully describing a fantasy world in which she gets her wish. You could say: “I wish we could take home the candy! I wish we could take home a thousand bags of candy, make a big candy mountain, and just sit on top of the mountain all day eating it.” The way this technique lets you acknowledge children’s desires and empathize in a playful way without giving in to them makes it surprisingly effective.

Guideline #2: Communicate Unconditional Acceptance

Kohn emphasizes that unconditional parenting isn’t about the message you think you’re sending—it’s about the message the child is receiving. The fact that you love your child unconditionally is less important than how they feel. This doesn’t mean that you see everything your child does as perfect—but it does mean that no matter what he does, your highest priority should always be creating an emotionally safe environment. Body language, facial expressions, and gestures are key here.

Kohn points out that parents who are good at communicating unconditional love and acceptance in normal circumstances often fall down in situations of conflict, where it’s more important, not less, to make the child feel emotionally safe.

Communicate Unconditional Acceptance: The Hand-Holding and “Time-In” Techniques

As Kohn notes, body language is crucial when talking to children, especially when discussing behavior you’d like them to change. One aspect of body language is touch, which reduces kids’ cortisol levels and calms anxious children. You could try holding hands with your child during or after difficult conversations, which has been shown to improve communication and positive feelings in conflicts between adults (it hasn’t been tested yet with children).

Instead of time-outs, Montessori-influenced educators recommend “time-ins.” To do a time-in, remove the child from the stressful situation and take him to a quiet place. Comfort him while he expresses his anger or frustration, help him put words to his emotions, and offer some techniques for managing the emotions (for example, taking deep breaths together). Then let the child choose whether or not he goes back into the situation. Janet Lansbury points out that this technique teaches the child that his parents are on his team and that they’re there to help rather than judge.

Guideline #3: Avoid Intervening Where Possible

According to Kohn, most parents are too quick to meddle in their child’s activities. To help your child build autonomy, let them sort things out for themselves as much as possible—even if it means sitting on your hands or biting your tongue. (Of course, this doesn’t apply if the child is in immediate danger.) Whenever you’re about to ask a child to do something, pause and consider whether it’s really important. If it’s not, keep quiet.

Kohn suggests that instead of constantly telling children what to do, you should foster autonomy by offering choices and asking questions. Wherever possible, let children decide, even if this occasionally makes you feel uncomfortable.

Avoid Intervening: The Counting and Sportscasting Techniques

Avoiding intervention is a cornerstone of the Montessori approach. Maria Montessori believed that children learn best from noticing the effects of their actions on the environment and that the job of the parent is to “remain a quiet observer of all that happens.” Montessori apparently carried around a string of rosary beads that she would count whenever she felt tempted to intervene. You don’t have to carry a string of beads, but consider counting to 10 when you’re tempted to interfere—by the time you get to 10, there might not be any need to.

An alternative approach, and one that’s especially helpful when children are feeling angry or frustrated, is “sportscasting.” Popularized by Janet Lansbury, sportscasting is putting neutral words to what children are doing and feeling. Instead of rushing in to comfort or help a child, a sportscasting parent might say: “Your block tower fell down again. You look disappointed.” Lansbury notes that this technique is especially helpful when there’s conflict between children, as it often spurs them to work out the conflict themselves.

Guideline #4: Keep Calm

Children are extremely sensitive to their parents’ emotional states. If you keep calm, so will your child. Stress causes parents to discipline their kids more severely and more inconsistently, which is exactly what you’re trying to avoid.

Kohn recognizes that staying calm can be a particular challenge if you’re in public, or if a child shouts things like “I hate you!” or “You’re a bad daddy!” In these cases, don’t get flustered; just see this as a way that she’s expressing negative feelings in the moment. If you stay calm, you’re also modeling good emotional regulation, which is one of the most important life skills your child can learn.

Keep Calm: The CEO Technique

If you’re having trouble staying calm, Janet Lansbury recommends imagining you’re a CEO. How would a competent CEO communicate with an employee who’s made a mistake? She would explain the problem clearly, without getting angry or making the employee feel ashamed. Then she would spell out the steps necessary to repair the error.

Lansbury adds that it’s important to respond quickly. If too much time passes after the behavior you want to correct, drawing attention to it can feel like shaming to the child. If you miss one opportunity, just wait for it to come around again.

Guideline #5: Reflect Regularly

To make sure that you don’t parent according to your mood or unknowingly reproduce patterns from your own childhood, stop and reflect often. Kohn cautions that this isn’t the same as rationalizing the decisions we’ve made (which is often tempting).

The goal isn’t to be overly self-critical, as that doesn’t help either; it’s to introduce a healthy level of humility and an openness to change. Kohn recommends that you stop and ask yourself: “If someone said or did that to me, would I feel loved unconditionally?”

Reflect Regularly: The Mindful Discipline Technique

In No-Drama Discipline, Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson recommend the following three-step sequence to make sure you’re responding to your child’s behavior mindfully:

• Why did my child do that? Were they trying to express an emotion or accomplish a goal?

• What lesson do I want them to learn right now? What’s the most important thing they need to know at this moment?

• How should I deliver that lesson? In delivering the lesson, be sure to take the age of the child into consideration. For smaller children, deliver your lesson in the simplest terms possible. For older children, it’s valuable to explore situational nuances.

The questions remain the same no matter the situation or the child’s age, but the answers are dynamic and should change every time you use the technique.

Guideline #6: Control the Environment, Not the Child

Kohn recommends structuring your child’s environment so it sets him up for success. For example, it’s more effective to set up a barrier between the child and any dangerous objects than to continually tell them “no” or move him away. For a small child, this could look like moving breakable objects to higher shelves. If you’re going to leave the house to do something that you know will be boring for your child, bring along some toys or books that will keep him occupied.

This guideline applies to time, too: It’s a universal rule of parenting that the tighter the timeframe, the longer the child will take to get ready. Whenever you can, allot more time to activities than you think you’ll need. Doing this also helps you to keep your cool (Principle #4).

Control the Environment, Not the Child: The “Yes Space” Technique

Janet Lansbury recommends setting up a “yes space” for your child. Yes spaces are places that are totally secure—they’re set up so that the child can do whatever she wants inside the space without putting herself in danger (or hearing the word “no”). For younger children, a yes space can be a crib or playpen; for older children, you can set up their whole room this way. Experiencing periods when they don’t constantly hear “no” helps children develop a longer attention span, experience more freedom, and practice independence.

Conclusion

Kohn acknowledges that unconditional parenting is far more demanding than traditional parenting methods, but promises that your investment will be reflected in happier, more independent, more thoughtful children who will grow up to be loving parents to their own children. (Shortform note: Interestingly, sensitive parenting also seems to have long-term financial benefits for both individual families and society in general. Families with sensitive parents tend to spend less on their children, while the children of sensitive parents prompt less public spending in the form of health and social services.)

As Kohn points out throughout the book, children look to their parents to model desirable behavior, and parenting style tends to be passed from generation to generation. This means that treating children with respect, flexibility, humility, and compassion now is the best way to make sure those qualities flourish in generations to come.

Is Gentle Parenting Realistic?

As we mentioned at the start, Kohn’s book is part of a wider “gentle parenting” movement. While advocates of the movement have achieved Instagram and TikTok fame, others argue that it sets parents up to fail, is time-consuming and exhausting, prioritizes the emotions of the child at the expense of everything else, and traps parents in the role of “a self-renouncing, perpetually present humanoid who has nothing but time and who is programmed for nothing but calm.”

All things considered, gentle parenting is likely yet another swing of the parenting advice pendulum, destined to be replaced in a few years by a new wave of parenting advice with a different focus. Unlike behaviorism, however, this approach will leave a legacy of empathy, connection, and reflection in parenting, and should at the very least serve as a correction to some of the more severe and oppressive parenting practices of the past.