PDF Summary:The Upside of Stress, by Kelly McGonigal

We’re often taught that stress is harmful and best avoided, but The Upside of Stress aims to prove otherwise. Kelly McGonigal argues that stress isn’t the enemy it’s typically made out to be—rather, it’s an ally we should embrace. By changing your mindset on stress, McGonigal claims you can transform it into a resource that leads to enhanced health, greater success, and a more meaningful life.

McGonigal is a health psychologist and professor at Stanford University. She teaches that when it comes to transforming stress, key mindset shifts—like viewing stress as normal and focusing on helping others in order to help yourself—make all the difference.

In this guide, we’ll see what ancient philosophers and modern stress experts have to say about the influence of your mindset on stress. We’ll also look deeper into the studies that support McGonigal’s argument and reconcile her research with updates in psychological literature. Finally, we’ll discuss practical ways to apply McGonigal’s ideas in your daily life.

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3. Tend-and-Befriend Response

This stress response occurs when you perceive that a person or community you care about needs help. For example, you’re concerned for the mental health of a friend as they process a break-up, so you drive an hour through the night to comfort them in person. Likewise, this response can be triggered by your own need for support. This instinct for connection is driven by the following physical reactions:

Release of Oxytocin

A tend-and-befriend response triggers the release of the social hormone, oxytocin, which makes you more courageous, empathetic, and trusting of others.

(Shortform note: Connecting with other people isn’t the only way to boost oxytocin and reap its benefits. Research shows that petting your dog can increase oxytocin significantly in both you and your dog.)

One study found that participants who watched their loved ones experience pain from electric zaps felt less afraid and more empathetic if they held their loved one’s hand during the test.

(Shortform note: The study McGonigal refers to shows that connecting with a loved one while they experience pain can dampen your fear, but how does physical connection with a loved one affect the person feeling the pain? A similar study measured the effects of holding hands on the recipient of electric shocks, showing that this physical connection also reduced the feeling of pain caused by the test.)

Oxytocin also nullifies the negative health effects caused by extreme, traumatic events or chronic fight-or-flight. One study found that oxytocin released during a stress response protected rats from heart damage during chemically induced heart attacks. The heart attacks only occurred when the rats were given a drug that inhibited oxytocin.

Although oxytocin reduces the cardiovascular harm of a threat response, sex-specific negative effects of oxytocin during social stress have been reported. In one study, women who received a nasal dose of oxytocin and then participated in the Trier Social Stress Test (performing spontaneously) reported feeling more distress and anger than women without the boost in oxytocin and both groups of men in the study.

The researchers theorize this may be due to women having a lower baseline of anger, thus resulting in a greater perceived change. Another theory is that women paid attention to different social triggers of the stress test or perceived these triggers in a way that made them feel more threatened. Some research has suggested that oxytocin induces positive feelings and behaviors toward group members, but more defensive aggression toward people outside your perceived group that might pose a threat. The intense and unsupportive pressure induced by the Trier Social Stress would likely cause participants to feel as though they are dealing with a threatening group of people. Thus, oxytocin could have enhanced this effect in certain cases.

Although McGonigal claimed earlier that the conditions of animal studies were irrelevant to daily human stress, she seems to acknowledge the efficacy of the animal study referred to above. This study used forced swimming (a method McGonigal criticizes) to induce the stress response that produced oxytocin, which was shown to protect against heart injury. However, McGonigal acknowledges that intense surges of adrenaline can cause heart attacks in humans, perhaps implying that this isn’t a daily stress and thus, this study is applicable.

Release of Serotonin

Another dominant hormone in the tend-and-befriend stress response is serotonin, which makes you more aware of your surroundings. In this way, you’re better able to notice critical details and act more effectively. For example, you're stressed because the baby you’re caring for is crying. Because your tend-and-befriend response is triggered and your awareness is heightened by serotonin, you notice the baby is wriggling uncomfortably in your arms and her belly is bloated. These symptoms tell you she’s likely crying because she has to burp.

(Shortform note: If serotonin benefits cognition, how can you increase your serotonin levels? Research shows that you can increase serotonin with daily exposure to bright light (preferably, sunlight) and performing regular, aerobic exercise.)

Why You Should Embrace Stress

Not only can stress empower you in a variety of ways, but it’s also natural and inevitable. Therefore, McGonigal argues that avoiding stress is futile and harmful. She claims that to resist stress is to resist living a full life. So, it’s important to embrace the benefits of stress in order to live meaningfully. In this section, we’ll first explain how avoiding stress causes more harmful stress and unhappiness. Then, we’ll talk about why McGonigal claims a stressful life leads to happiness and meaning.

Like McGonigal, ancient philosophers since early human civilization have claimed that stress is simply a part of life. Today, research echoes this idea, showing that the most reported causes of stress are everyday, uncontrollable forces like inflation, supply chain issues, and uncertainty about global events.

So, if the causes of stress are inevitable, how can we reduce the impact of stress? One health care organization suggests measures like regular exercise, a healthy diet, meditation, and connecting with others can be effective at reducing stress. Ultimately, these measures aim to reduce the harmful effects of stress on health and happiness.

As previously mentioned, McGonigal’s strategy to transform stress can accomplish the same goal of removing stress’s harmful effects, but McGonigal is more precise about which kind of stress is actually harmful and should be avoided—that is, the chronic threat response. In fact, some of the traditional advice provided to manage stress, like connecting with others, overlaps with McGonigal’s argument for a tend-and-befriend stress response. Perhaps these two approaches could be beneficial if they were combined. For example, you could try to transform your perception of stress (discussed in the next section), while maintaining healthy habits like a good diet and regular exercise

Avoiding Stress Is Futile and Harmful

By trying to avoid stress, McGonigal explains that you ironically create more stress. This is because avoiding things that stress you out reinforces your stress about those things. Additionally, avoiding what causes you stress can cause new stresses. For example, you might feel stressed about not being a good enough partner, so you avoid romantic relationships. Because you avoid dating anyone, you isolate yourself and reinforce your fear that you’re not good at relationships. Additionally, you may deprive yourself of the support that a loving partner would offer, or you might feel stressed about the meaningful experiences you’re missing out on by not having a partner.

Research shows the physical consequences of trying to avoid stress can include depression, impulsiveness, and a greater likelihood of negative life events such as losing your job or getting a divorce.

Avoiding stress can also lead to substance abuse. In order to suppress unpleasant feelings associated with stress, you might excessively use drugs and alcohol. For example, rather than viewing your responsibilities as challenges that produce meaning in your life, you feel overwhelmed and try to suppress this feeling by drinking alcohol. Heavy drinking leads to health issues like liver damage and negatively affects personal relationships—which also leads to more stress.

In order to stop reinforcing your stress, risking creating new stresses, and harming yourself, consider confronting your fears in a healthy way through exposure therapy. Similar in concept to embracing your stress, as McGonigal suggests, this method proposes gradual exposure to overcome your source of stress. It consists of multiple strategies, including different forms of exposure (such as imagining the source of stress, virtual reality, or facing the stress in real life) as well as different paces—you may first be exposed to a mild form of your stress and then progress to more difficult versions or vice versa.

Pursuing a Meaningful Life Is Stressful

McGonigal explains that stress is paradoxically associated with happiness and meaning. For example, countries where people report more stress also have a higher GDP, more happiness, and greater satisfaction with life.

Why do we find meaning in the same places we find stress? McGonigal claims that if you pursue ambitious goals and take on significant responsibility, you’re more likely to be stressed—but you’re also more likely to be happy, find meaning in your life, and live longer. For example, you might say that your kids are your greatest source of daily stress. You want them to be safe, successful, and happy, but all of these things are uncertain and cause you to worry. However, your kids might also be your greatest source of happiness. Their silliness and love brighten your day, and caring for them gives you a sense of purpose.

The idea that responsibility and stress lead to meaning is consistent with Rule 7 in Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life, which says you should act in ways that reduce unnecessary suffering, and push yourself beyond your comfort zone in order to live more meaningfully. Obviously, following these guidelines will often be stressful—pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone is basically another way of saying “do things that are stressful.” For example, reducing unnecessary suffering might mean putting yourself in harm’s way to protect someone or having an uncomfortable conversation with someone who could use forgiveness or support. Although this may be uncomfortable, the author contends that this philosophy leads to more learning, more satisfaction with your life, and ultimately, to a more meaningful life.

McGonigal adds a caveat to this argument, explaining that some studies show stress is also associated with depression and mortality. For example, a study measuring the effect of stress on men’s mortality over 50 years found that men who reported the most daily hassles were far more likely to die. However, the measurement that tracked daily hassles was highly subjective: Participants were presented with a list of everyday responsibilities and were asked to rate whether they considered these things a hassle or uplifting. Those who rated daily activities as a hassle were more likely to die. McGonigal argues that because the list of everyday activities consisted of things that are inherent in daily life, this method of measurement actually demonstrated that the participants’ mindsets—that is, their perceptions or beliefs about their daily activities—determined whether daily hassles were deadly or not.

McGonigal proposes that mindset—rather than daily hassles—made the difference in mortality in this study because participants rated the effect of inevitable, daily activities. However, the fact that the rated activities are common doesn’t imply that they posed an equal level of stress to the participants. For example, McGonigal mentions one of the daily activities was “the nature of your work,” which could mean very different things for different participants. A police officer and a barber likely won’t have the same levels of stress each day. Although the full study isn’t publicly available, a summary of the study’s recruitment methods shows that police officers and firefighters are included among participants. A report of the most stressful jobs lists police officers at number four and firefighters at number two. Thus, this daily hassle may have varied significantly in severity.

Your Mindset Makes All the Difference

To unlock the benefits of stress, McGonigal encourages you to change your perception of it. She explains that you can achieve this through a mindset shift that primes you to react to stress with a challenge or tend-and-befriend response rather than chronic fight-or-flight responses. In this section, we’ll explain what a mindset is, why it’s important for transforming stress, and how to change it.

What Is a Mindset?

According to McGonigal, a mindset is a set of beliefs that influences your perception of reality. McGonigal explains that you probably have a lot of beliefs, but not all of your beliefs are mindsets. For example, you might believe honey goes better with peanut butter than jelly does, but this belief doesn’t affect your outlook on life or influence your daily decisions (except during lunch, maybe).

In contrast, a mindset is a pervasive philosophy that determines your thoughts, goals, and actions. For example, if you believe college is a transactional experience, in which you go through the motions to earn your degree, you’ll probably do whatever’s necessary to make passable grades. However, if you believe college is an opportunity to explore your interests, become a better thinker, and grow as a person, you’ll likely engage more with the school’s resources and have a more meaningful learning experience.

(Shortform note: Psychologists say that a healthy perception of reality is founded on perceptions that anchor you close to reality. This is important because if you’re delusional—that is, your view of the world is significantly different from the actual world—it can make functioning in society more difficult and lead to mental illness. To make sure your perceptions are reflective of reality, regularly seek out evidence and experts that challenge your views, be willing to change your views, and remain open to other people’s perceptions.)

Why Is Your Stress Mindset Important?

Because your mindset influences your thoughts, goals, and actions related to stress, it determines the consequences of stress on your life: whether stress is confidence boosting, performance enhancing, and health improving, or whether it causes self-doubt, debilitation, and a shorter life. In other words, your mindset influences whether you respond to stress with challenge and tend-and-befriend responses or potentially harmful threat responses.

(Shortform note: The idea that your mindset determines the effects of stress echoes Stoic philosophy, which says that your perception of events determines whether they’re harmful or not. While McGonigal supports the power of your mindset by referencing scientific research, Stoic philosophy argues that your mind influences the outcomes of your life because humans are reasonable beings. Because you have reason, you have control over your mind. Thus, as long as your mind is functioning properly, you have the power to decide what’s harmful or not.)

McGonigal cites a 1998 study showing that high levels of stress increased the risk of death by 43%—except for those who didn’t believe stress was harmful. In fact, the lowest risk of death occurred in those who experienced high stress but didn’t believe it was harmful. This risk was even lower than those who reported low levels of stress. Although the researchers didn’t manipulate the participants’ mindsets—and thus, couldn’t say for certain that a difference in mindset was the cause—participants’ negative mindset was the strongest predictor for mortality.

McGonigal has been criticized for the use of this study in her book, which she credits as the catalyst for her research on mindset’s relationship with stress. One critic describes the finding of this study as a correlation, not causation. In other words, because the study couldn’t account for all the factors that led to the result, there could have been other causes for the premature death of people who believed stress was harmful. For example, they might have believed stress was harmful because they had previous health complications due to stress.

However, McGonigal recognizes that the study was correlational and speculates about other potential factors that might explain the results, such as personality predispositions or differences in the type of stress experienced by the participants. Further, McGonigal doesn’t prop her argument up on this study, but rather, she explains that it piqued her curiosity and motivated her to explore more research, which eventually led to the argument she presents in this book.

How to Change Your Stress Mindset

If you’re starting to feel stressed about your negative outlook on stress, don’t fret; mindsets can be changed. A shift in mindset can be triggered by something as simple as brief exposure to a new way of thinking.

Further, McGonigal explains that even if a new idea doesn’t remain conscious in your mind, it can still subconsciously influence your thoughts and actions in the future. In one study, high school freshmen in a poorly performing school were given a 30-minute presentation about adopting a growth mindset—that is, the belief that traits like intelligence aren’t predetermined and can improve with effort. These freshmen passed algebra at a rate of 81% compared to 58% of the control students. The students receiving the presentation on mindset were also healthier and improved their GPA from 1.6 to 2.6.

Recent research suggests that adolescents can apply growth mindsets more effectively when their shift to a growth mindset is encouraged by their environment. For instance, instructing teachers—not just students—on how to develop and apply growth mindsets can lead to more sustainable mindset shifts.

Multiple studies explore how adolescents can change their mindset for the better, but can you become too old to change your mindset? Contrary to the idiom, “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” psychologists say that changing your mindset is possible at any point in life because your brain is neuroplastic, which means it can continue to learn and change throughout your lifetime. So, don’t feel like it’s too late to change your stress mindset.

Transform Your Stress Mindset

Now that you understand why mindsets are important, we’ll discuss how to transform your mindset on stress. First, we’ll discuss why it’s important to focus on your resources. Then, we’ll talk about connecting with others and keeping your highest values in mind. Finally, we’ll explain why you should always try to look for a genuine silver lining in your stress.

Focus On Your Resources

In order to prompt a challenge response when you’re facing a stressful situation, McGonigal suggests taking account of your resources. Research shows that the most important determinant of your response to stress is your mindset about your ability to handle a given situation. If you don’t feel like you have the resources necessary to handle a given situation, you’ll induce a threat response. On the other hand, if you feel like you’re capable of taking on a situation, you’ll be more likely to induce a challenge response. In order to trigger the latter response when you’re faced with a difficult situation, McGonigal says to keep the following resources in mind:

• Acknowledge strengths that can help you.
• Think of moments in your past when you’ve handled similar situations well.
• Think of loved ones or friends who can offer support.
• Pray or imagine other people praying for you.
• Think of your stress response itself as a resource.

Although McGonigal presents the challenge and threat responses as distinct reactions, one analysis argues that these responses can actually coexist to varying degrees depending on the situation. This is possible because our brain can process both positive and negative information at once through distinct neural systems. For example, you might feel capable of getting the winning hit at your softball game, but at the same time feel worried that the hard-throwing, wild pitcher might bean you with the ball. So, your body responds in a way that helps you perform but also prepares you for injury.

To build resources that give you confidence and prime you for a challenge response to stress, consider applying the broaden-and-build theory of positive psychology. This theory proposes that practicing healthy habits leads to positive emotions, which in turn causes you to broaden your perspective and build resources to cope with negative emotions.

For instance, if you practice the habit of regularly complimenting people, perhaps you’ll feel happier and friendlier. These feelings will motivate you to engage more with other people and build supportive relationships. Thus, the broaden-and-build theory can help establish or enhance supportive relationships with loved ones as well as other beneficial resources that McGonigal highlights. For example, this theory also encourages engaging in a spiritual practice, which can develop your ability to pray.

Connect With Others

Next, it’s important to engage with others in response to stress. McGonigal claims a threat response is more likely when you feel isolated in a stressful situation. To prime yourself for tend-and-befriend responses, consider the following strategies:

Choose to Help Others

This can be something small, like listening to a problem or being present for somebody during a difficult time. Studies show that generosity satisfies our reward centers and helps us cope with our own stress better. In one study, participants felt less time-constrained at work when they used some of their time to help others.

(Shortform note: Although helping others can help you cope with stress, there may be a limit to how much help you should give, whether at work or in your off time. One study found that people who helped others with favors like running errands or watching another person’s children for more than 80 hours per year were slightly less resilient to stress than those who helped a moderate amount. So, don’t feel bad if you’re not able to help others out all the time. A little bit of help every now and then is still good for those you’re helping and it can benefit your health.)

Focus on a Common Good

When you focus on a goal that aligns with the common good of your family or community, you feel a part of something bigger than yourself. McGonigal claims that you’ll be just as motivated as if you were striving for your own gain, but your motivation will be less draining because it’s not selfish and isolating. Rather, contributing to a greater mission or community helps you build supportive relationships with people and leads to a greater sense of meaning and happiness.

(Shortform note: Like McGonigal, the author of Meditations claims that acting for the common good connects you to something bigger than yourself—that is, all of humanity. According to the ancient Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius, serving others is essential to a good life because by serving others, you act according to reason. Reason is a natural, common law shared by all humans. This common law of reason unites us as common citizens. Because citizens of the same community should support each other, humans—united by our reason—should support each other.)

Normalize Stress

To further connect with others, McGonigal recommends normalizing stress by increasing your awareness of other people’s struggles. Practice this by constantly recognizing that the people you’re interacting with have their own struggles. Next, realize there are many people in the world who feel just like you do. Embrace this invisible community.

Not only are there countless people who are likely struggling with a similar kind of stress as you at this very moment, but there are probably people who’ve faced situations similar to yours throughout history. In Discipline Equals Freedom, the author discusses a thought exercise that inspired him to gain confidence and persevere when he felt overwhelmed during war: He imagined soldiers throughout history who had gone through difficulties similar to what he was experiencing or worse.

Adopting this method, consider historical examples that relate to the kind of stress you’re experiencing. For example, if you’re a new mother struggling to keep up with the exhausting demands of a child, imagine the trials that new mothers faced when traveling the Oregon Trail. This might inspire strength and help you feel less alone in your suffering.

Be More Open About Your Own Stress

If you struggle with something that you wish people were more open about, initiate this change by personally discussing it more. For example, if you struggle with anxiety, admit when you’re feeling anxious to people you trust, or start a social media group that discusses anxiety. Not only will you help others by opening up about your struggles, but offering support will lead to reciprocation.

(Shortform note: Counselors say that people hesitate to be open about their stress because they’re afraid that their symptoms aren’t common and that people will judge them if they share their experience. However, your response to stress is natural. By being open about it, you’ll likely receive support. If you don’t feel comfortable being open with the people around you, you can always talk to a counselor about your stress.)

Remember Your Values

Another way stress becomes harmful is when you fail to find meaning in it. McGonigal suggests keeping your highest values present in your thoughts to help put your stress into context and transform it into something meaningful.

To do this, McGonigal recommends putting a reminder of your values on a bracelet or keychain, or writing about it. For example, if your highest value is your family, consider making a bracelet that lists your family’s names or putting a picture of them on the lock screen of your phone.

(Shortform note: Psychologists suggest that orienting yourself with your values or your “reason why” can help you endure discomfort. To find an effective “why,” don’t base it on expectations, public approval, or guilt. Instead, choose something that feels truly meaningful to you.)

Embrace Stress as an Opportunity to Grow

McGonigal claims you can also make stress meaningful by realizing it can help you grow. She describes three ways to do this:

1. Believe good things can come from adversity. If you go through a difficult breakup, realize that the pain of this situation can also provide you with more freedom and an opportunity for personal development.

(Shortform note: Stoics believe that every situation has a positive side—it’s just a matter of perspective. In The Obstacle Is the Way, the author explains that viewing challenging situations as opportunities for good helps you overcome them. For example, if your car is rear-ended in traffic while you’re driving with your family, embrace this as an opportunity to handle the situation with grace and appreciate your family’s health. This will make the situation easier for you to cope with and allow you to support everyone involved more effectively than if you panic or get angry.)

2. Embrace and fully process stress to transform it into something that empowers you. For example, if you’re a teacher stressed about the difficulty of a lesson you’re teaching or the pile of papers left to grade on your desk, you might feel tempted to emotionally distance yourself from your students. But by limiting your availability to them, you may reduce the sense of meaning that students give your work. Instead, you could use your stress to form a deeper connection with students by being honest about your struggles and relating to their own sources of stress. In this way, you might cultivate a more comfortable, trusting environment for your students to learn in.

(Shortform note: McGonigal isn’t the only psychologist who claims stress can be turned into strength. For example, one psychologist claims that with proper guidance, anxiety can lead to more conscientious behaviors. There are multiple ways to properly channel anxiety into healthy conscientiousness, such as prioritizing the most doable and impactful tasks and tempering your anxious concerns with data.)

3. Recognize and celebrate signs of growth from difficult experiences. For example, If you’re finally able to drive without fear after a traumatizing car accident, share this progress with a friend who you know will appreciate your growth and encourage you.

(Shortform note: To celebrate growth, one expert suggests these tips: Keep track of your growth by journaling about your progress, give yourself credit for your hard work, share your success with people who love you, and keep a list of the things you’re grateful for.)

Be Honest About Your Stress

When you try to find benefits in your stress, McGonigal recommends aiming to develop a mindset that views stress in a realistic, balanced way, not with blind optimism. She suggests a couple of ways to help develop this outlook.

1. Recognize the positives and negatives of stress, but choose to focus on the positives. For example, you had to euthanize your old and sick dog. Rather than ignoring that this makes you sad and you miss them (their cuddles, going on walks together, or simply their presence in your home), acknowledge your feelings and focus on the positive side of the situation: Your dog is no longer suffering and you have wonderful memories to reflect on.

(Shortform note: Like McGonigal, the author of The Happiness Advantage makes the case that you shouldn’t let your optimistic point of view blind you from real problems. Rather, you should look at situations realistically and choose to maintain a positive outlook because this will lead to more happiness, gratitude, and optimism. To develop a positive perspective, consider incorporating these habits into your regular routine: Every day, take five minutes to write three things you’re grateful for. Three times per week, write for 20 minutes about a positive experience.)

2. Don’t try to force a silver lining on a negative situation in a way that’s insincere or delusional. There might not be an upside to extreme traumas or even trivial, daily activities, and that’s OK. If there’s no obvious upside at the moment, McGonigal suggests trying to think about how you might benefit from the situation in the future. For example, when a loved one dies, think of the qualities that made them a positive influence on your life. Imagine ways you could embody these qualities one day to have a more positive impact on the people in your life and honor your loved one’s legacy.

(Shortform note: Experts say if you try to impose a positive perspective on every situation, you risk negative outcomes including ignoring real suffering, belittling grief, lowering self-esteem, and causing relationship issues. Instead, process negative feelings by identifying and discussing them. One study shows that doing this reduces the intensity of the emotions. To avoid “toxic positivity,” realize negative feelings are normal, identify the type of emotions you’re experiencing, and talk about them with people you trust.)