PDF Summary:The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman and Nan Silver

What’s the secret to a happy marriage? That’s the question relationship researcher John Gottman (along with co-author Nan Silver) answers in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work—a step-by-step blueprint to cultivating a happier, emotionally fulfilling marriage. Gottman’s expertise stems from his research at the Love Lab, a laboratory at the University of Washington in Seattle devoted to deciphering the secrets of happy couples.

In this guide, we’ll explain why becoming genuine friends with your spouse is essential to your marital happiness and how you can improve your marital friendship by following four principles. Then, we’ll describe how fighting can increase your risk of divorce—and which relationship behaviors Gottman relies on to predict divorce with 91% accuracy. We’ll also share Gottman’s three principles for learning to handle conflict effectively. Along the way, we’ll compare Gottman’s advice to that of other relationship experts and share further strategies to implement Gottman’s suggestions.

(continued)...

Signs a Marriage Is in Trouble

Gottman’s famed accuracy in predicting whether a couple will divorce relies on his ability to determine whether their conflicts might regularly induce flooding. (Shortform note: Some researchers have questioned whether what Gottman does to predict divorce can be called “prediction” at all. They argue that Gottman came up with a formula for determining outcomes of marriages, using technology to match already known outcomes with patterns noted in research participants. Gottman has disputed this interpretation of his work on the Gottman Institute website.)

To do so, he looks for three major warning signs.

1. The conflict has a jarring beginning, or what Gottman and Silver call a “harsh start-up.” Instead of gently conversing with each other, the couple begins a fight in an aggressive manner—which, according to studies, dooms it to end on a sour note as well.

(Shortform note: If you do begin a fight aggressively, try to soothe yourself by touching physical objects in the room. You’ll get out of your head and reorient your perspective—which will calm you down and may help you get out of the downward spiral that your aggressive beginning started.)

2. The couple engages negatively with each other by using what Gottman and Silver call the “four horsemen of the apocalypse.”

Criticism. One spouse expresses dissatisfaction with their partner generally instead of expressing dissatisfaction about a specific issue. For example, they say, “You’re a slob,” instead of “You didn’t clean the kitchen when you said you would.”

Contempt. One spouse expresses dissatisfaction in a way that belittles their partner and signifies a lack of respect. For example, they might say, “I can’t believe you forgot to clean the kitchen. Are you stupid?”

Defensiveness. One spouse, who feels attacked by their partner, tries to protect themselves. However, this strategy backfires because it shifts responsibility onto the other partner. For example, the spouse who didn’t clean the kitchen might say, “I may have forgotten to clean the kitchen, but I cleaned the bathroom, which you never do.”

Stonewalling. One spouse feels overwhelmed and stops responding. (This spouse is likely feeling flooded.)

(Shortform note: The “four horsemen of the apocalypse” is a religious reference; in Christianity, four men on horses herald the end of the world. The first symbolizes Christ (or the Antichrist, depending on who you ask), the second symbolizes war, the third symbolizes famine, and the fourth symbolizes death. Just as these four signs are said to lead to the end of the world, Gottman and Silver’s four destructive communication styles can lead to the end of a marriage.)

Handling Your Go-To Horseman

Some psychologists suggest that you may have a go-to horseman when arguing with your spouse. If you’re not sure what it is, ask your spouse to help identify what damaging strategy you use when you fight.

Then, consider developing techniques to resist your impulse to engage negatively with your spouse. If you tend to criticize your spouse, look within yourself to find the request underlying the criticism. If you tend to be contemptuous, watch out for and combat any negative stories you tell yourself about your spouse. If you get defensive, try active listening: Confirm with your partner what you’ve heard so you don’t try to defend yourself against perceived insults. If you tend to stonewall, learn to ask for regular breaks during fights with your spouse.

3. The couple doesn’t respond to each other’s de-escalation attempts, which Gottman and Silver call “repair attempts.” In moments of tension, one partner may try to de-escalate the situation—such as by admitting that they were partly wrong. Gottman and Silver say that not responding to these actions is the biggest warning sign that you’re at risk for divorce.

(Shortform note: Gottman’s work focuses on how what spouses do during the marriage increases their risk of divorce, but several studies suggest that external factors over which you have no control can also increase your risk of divorce. Notably, if you’re highly attractive, your parents got divorced, or you grew up areligious, you’re more likely to get divorced.)

De-escalation attempts reduce your stress levels—as long as you notice the attempts, you reduce the likelihood that you’ll feel flooded. But if you don’t notice them, you get caught in a vicious cycle: You don’t notice the de-escalation attempt because you feel flooded—so your stress just keeps climbing during the argument, which makes you even less likely to notice succeeding de-escalation attempts.

(Shortform note: In one study, Gottman found several sex differences in how men and women make and respond to de-escalation attempts. Men (especially heterosexual men) are quicker to realize the conversation has turned sour and to make a de-escalation attempt—but only if the man is the one who originally brought up the contentious issue. But in gay male couples, if the initiator is the one who gets upset, the partner is not as good at de-escalating the issue. It’s unclear why: Fights between gay male partners tend not to induce as much flooding, so presumably, the gay men should be better at both making and noticing de-escalation attempts.)

Perpetual vs. Solvable Problems

So how can you reduce the likelihood that your conflicts destroy your marriage? In addition to increasing PSO by improving your marital friendship, Gottman and Silver recommend that you learn to deal with conflict effectively—which starts by identifying what kind of fight you’re having.

Gottman and Silver suggest that in your marriage, you’ll encounter two categories of disagreement: solvable problems and perpetual problems. As their name implies, solvable problems are relatively simple issues that you can fix. In contrast, perpetual problems stem from underlying differences between you and your partner. You cannot fix a perpetual problem; however, you can develop strategies for coping with it so it doesn’t turn into a huge issue.

Identifying what type of fight you’re having is critical because the coping strategies for solvable and perpetual problems differ, but both types of problems can destroy your marriage. This is because if left alone, solvable problems can turn into perpetual problems—and, as we’ll discuss later, perpetual problems can lead to gridlock, which can lead to divorce.

So how can you identify which category a fight falls into? This can be tough because the same issue may be either solvable or perpetual depending on the couple, but Gottman and Silver suggest that you use the following metric: If an issue is an isolated, relatively one-time thing, it’s likely solvable. If it’s more painful and ongoing, it’s likely perpetual.

For example, say that Annie is upset that Andrew doesn’t text her often. If Andrew recently started a new job and is not texting Annie because he wants to focus on impressing his boss, this is a solvable problem; he’ll likely text her more often once he’s settled in. In contrast, if Andrew likes having some time away from his wife while Annie wishes that Andrew would contact her more regularly whenever they’re apart, this is a perpetual problem that speaks to underlying differences regarding intimacy.

How Different Attachment Styles Cause Problems in Your Relationship

In Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller also categorize relationship conflicts into two types: daily-life conflicts and intimacy-related conflicts. Daily-life conflicts are like solvable problems; they encompass issues such as who will make dinner or take out the trash. Intimacy-related conflicts, like perpetual problems, stem from underlying differences in attachment styles, or how two partners relate to the human urge for closeness. Just as with solvable and perpetual problems, the same issue can be daily-life or intimacy-related depending on the couple.

Since intimacy-related conflicts stem from differences in attachment styles, identifying whether a conflict is intimacy-related requires that you know both your attachment style and your partner’s. There are three types: secure, anxious, and avoidant. Secure attachers desire intimacy but are also comfortable with emotional distance. Anxious attachers are highly sensitive to anything that may endanger their emotional intimacy with their partner. Avoidant attachers feel suffocated by too much closeness, so they try to maintain emotional distance from their partner.

Just like perpetual problems, intimacy-related conflicts can grow into big issues that permeate every aspect of and ultimately destroy your relationship. The most common pattern occurs between anxious-avoidant pairs: The anxious attacher desires closeness, which causes the avoidant attacher to feel uncomfortable and withdraw—which causes the anxious attacher to try harder to gain closeness, setting off a vicious cycle.

Principle 5: Fix Your Solvable Problems

Gottman and Silver outline a process for dealing with your solvable problems.

Step 1: Adjust the beginning. If you begin the conversation negatively, you’re more likely to induce a negative response from your spouse—which increases the likelihood of flooding. Instead, begin the conversation calmly. First, describe your emotions about the issue. Avoid making accusatory statements that begin with “you,” generalizing the issue, or passing immediate judgment. Second, express your desires (not what you don’t desire) to your partner.

For example, say that you’re upset because your partner is on their phone during dinner. Don’t say, “I can’t believe you’re on your phone! You never make time for me.” Instead, say, “I’m really upset that you’re on your phone during dinner. I’d like to spend time with you when we’re both focused solely on each other.”

(Shortform note: In Attached, Levine and Heller suggest other ways to adjust the beginning of your conflicts. First, time your discussion for when both of you are calm and collected. If the situation is already volatile, let it simmer down before you attempt an honest, forthright discussion. Second, when expressing your needs, keep in mind that your goal is not to make your partner feel inadequate but merely to express your needs without blaming or judging. This will help you focus on using phrases like “I need” or “I want.” Third, even if you do have a general complaint, use specific examples and concrete language; using generalities leaves room for misunderstandings.)

Step 2. Practice de-escalation. As we learned previously, a crucial difference between happy and unhappy couples is whether they respond to each other’s de-escalation attempts. Gottman and Silver explain that improving your marital friendship will naturally increase the likelihood that you’ll notice your spouse’s de-escalation attempts, but he also recommends practicing de-escalation. During an argument, if you’re making the attempt, try announcing to your partner that you’re doing so. If you’re listening to the attempt, do your best to receive it and heed your partner’s request. For example, if they say, “I’m making a de-escalation attempt. Can we take a break?” let them do so.

(Shortform note: Other relationship experts warn that you shouldn’t expect your partner to respond positively to your de-escalation attempt. If it doesn’t go over well, don’t get angry with your partner; rather, calm yourself and then evaluate what you could do differently—for example, you might adjust your tone. If you’re the one struggling to accept the de-escalation attempt, try switching your perspective: Look for the good in your partner instead of focusing on their flaws. Finally, after you’ve both calmed down, discuss any failed de-escalation attempts; knowing why they didn’t work will help you find ones that do.)

Step 3. Calm down. Gottman and Silver note that if you’re feeling flooded, you likely won’t be able to have a productive discussion. So pay attention to your emotional and physical state: If you feel as though you're about to blow up on your partner or your heart rate rises dramatically, you’re likely flooded. If so, take a 20-minute break to calm yourself. Do something that prevents you from ruminating on your argument; Gottman and Silver suggest physical exercise or meditation.

(Shortform note: Some experts suggest that your attachment style dictates how you respond to a fight. If you’re an anxious attacher, you may be prone to becoming flooded because you’re more highly attuned to the threat the fight poses (your partner leaving you). So it might be particularly important for you to take a break; if you can’t calm yourself, try distracting yourself by watching a TV show. In contrast, if you’re an avoidant attacher, you might resist any efforts to resolve conflict because you want to maintain some emotional distance. So try not to ask your partner for a break unless you really need one; don’t ask for a break as a way to avoid talking about the issue.)

Once you’ve calmed yourself, try calming your partner. Gottman and Silver explain that if you regularly calm your partner, your partner will connect your presence with a reduction in stress rather than an increase in stress, which will naturally improve your relationship. This does not mean telling your partner to “calm down” mid-argument; this will only anger them further because they’ll feel as though you’re not taking them seriously. Instead, pick a time when you’re not fighting to brainstorm ways to relax each other. Then, after your 20-minute break, do the thing you’ve discussed; giving each other massages is a popular relaxation technique.

Calm Your Kids Down, Too

Just as calming your partner can help you work through a conflict, calming your child can make disciplining them easier. The No-Drama Discipline authors explain that if your child is feeling a strong emotion (like anger), their lower brain has taken control, so they no longer have access to upper-brain skills like emotional regulation. Therefore, they suggest that you try to connect with your kid, for example, by giving them a hug or acknowledging how they feel. By doing so, you’ll help their lower brain calm down so they can again access their rational upper brain.

Additionally, just as regularly calming your partner has long-term benefits, so does regularly calming your kids: Over time, using connection to help calm the lower brain helps children strengthen the connections between their upper and lower brains so they can more effectively rein in the lower brain’s strong reactions.

Step 4. Negotiate. Gottman and Silver argue that if you want a happy marriage, you must learn to negotiate a solution that works for both of you. If one of you consistently gives in to your spouse, you’ll breed resentment that damages your marriage.

To negotiate effectively, first adjust your attitude. You must be willing to hear your partner out, even if you think they’re wrong—otherwise, you won’t be able to have a productive discussion.

Second, each of you separately should draw two circles, one within the other. In the smaller circle, list everything about the issue that you can’t budge on. In the larger circle, list everything you’re willing to negotiate. Do your best to minimize the list in the smaller circle.

Third, share your circles with each other to negotiate a solution that incorporates both your inner circles. Try this solution for a few weeks; if the problem doesn’t improve, revisit your circles and come up with an alternative solution.

The Difference Between Negotiation and Compromise

Although Gottman and Silver use the terms “negotiation” and “compromise” interchangeably, other experts argue that these two terms mean different things. In a negotiation, each partner receives something they truly desire in exchange for letting their partner have something they really want. In a compromise, neither partner is ever fully satisfied because both settle for a less-than-ideal solution. Gottman and Silver’s technique is more like a compromise in that neither partner gets exactly what they want; however, both feel satisfied enough because the compromise satisfies their most important desires.

Like Gottman and Silver, these experts argue that effective negotiation requires receptivity to your partner’s needs as well as clarity on what exactly you need from your relationship. Unlike Gottman and Silver, these experts suggest that you bargain with your partner: Each of you should let your partner have their true desire so that you can also receive your true desire. You should end the negotiation feeling that this desire will truly be fulfilled; otherwise, the negotiation is unsuccessful and your problem will surface again.

Strategies for Common Solvable Problems

Gottman and Silver suggest several strategies for dealing with some of the most common solvable problems in a marriage: issues surrounding household chores, parenting, and sex.

Household Chores. Gottman and Silver argue that solving issues around household chores will help you both feel as though you’re on the same side. In contrast, if one spouse (usually the wife) feels as though she’s taking on too much housework, she’ll feel like she’s in an inequitable marriage. This sense is often exacerbated by the reality that men often think they’re doing more housework than they are.

To more equally divide domestic labor, Gottman and Silver suggest that you first create an itemized list of every household chore you each do—such as clearing the table. Second, agree to split the responsibilities in a way that you both agree is fair. Third, do your assigned chores—without being reminded by your spouse. That said, be open to taking on more work occasionally; for example, if your spouse is especially busy at work, clear the table even when it’s not your turn.

How to Split Household Chores More Fairly

Experts suggest that women feel as though they’re doing more housework than men not just because it’s true, but also because they take on more “mental load,” which means they spend more time thinking about domestic tasks—like purchasing a birthday gift for their in-laws.

To more equally divide domestic labor, experts suggest that you first re-evaluate whether a chore needs to be done. Then, after creating an itemized list of responsibilities and splitting them fairly, agree on what it means for a particular chore to be “done.” For example, does clearing the table mean removing the dishes, or does it mean removing the dishes and wiping down the table? The more clearly you define each task, the less likely you are to fight about it in the future. Finally, be flexible. Keep in mind that the point of equally dividing domestic labor is not to do exactly equal amounts of work every day but to equally value each other’s time so that one person isn’t constantly picking up after the other.

Parenting. Gottman and Silver explain that how you handle having your first baby can be a critical turning point in your marriage. When a woman becomes a mother, her sense of identity dramatically transforms to encompass her new role; she is now part of a “we” that includes her and her child. Consequently, the husband starts to feel left out, and the health of the marriage suffers.

The solution, according to Gottman and Silver, is to include the husband in the process; both husband and wife should transform together into parents. Wives can encourage this process by letting the husband parent. Wives often correct new fathers’ parenting skills. But constant criticism leads the father to doubt his parenting skills and become increasingly less involved (which makes him feel left out and ultimately damages the marriage). So the wife must allow her husband to parent in his own way—without commenting negatively on his skills.

(Shortform note: Some experts suggest that the decrease in marital satisfaction caused by having a baby stems not from the father’s feelings of isolation but from the mother’s exhaustion. She takes on more nighttime childcare work and does more domestic labor, so she starts to feel that the partnership is inequitable. New mothers can mitigate this exhaustion by letting the husband parent without butting in, as Gottman and Silver describe. Experts say that mothers who struggle to let their husband parent should leave their spouse alone with the baby, such as by going to a friend’s house.)

Sex. Gottman and Silver suggest that sex often falls by the wayside in a marriage because couples struggle to communicate their desires to each other. Therefore, if you want to improve your sex life, you must learn to communicate about sex.

Gottman and Silver suggest several strategies for making conversations about sex easier. First, be kind. Remember that the point is to improve your sex life, not to make your partner feel bad about whatever they’re doing. Second, develop rituals around asking for sex. Having a standardized way of asking will help you feel less vulnerable. For example, kissing your partner’s neck might indicate that you want sex; your partner might respond enthusiastically when interested but turn their head when uninterested. Third, be considerate when refusing or when you’re being refused. If you’re doing the refusing, express that you’re still attracted to your partner. If you’re being refused, receive your partner’s decision without negative comment.

When (and When Not) to Talk About Sex

While other authors agree that improving your sexual communication can improve your sex life, some suggest that talking isn’t the answer. In Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Steve Harvey cautions straight women against talking to their men about dips in their sex life, as men tend to shy away from conversations about sex. So being kind and communicative may not help as much as silence in certain situations.

Similarly, in Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel suggests that men have a tougher time talking about sex—partly because they’re socialized to not express their feelings (and presumably are thus not used to feeling vulnerable). Moreover, Perel suggests that focusing too much on talking can repress female sexuality by depriving women of the ability to communicate with their bodies—which supports Gottman and Silver’s recommendation to have a (potentially physical) ritual around asking for sex.

In contrast, experts do recommend talking about refusing sex. Some people view a consistent refusal to have sex as a threat to their partnership—even if their partner expresses this refusal politely, and they understand logically that their partner still loves them. The one who’s refused may feel angry but repress it out of respect for their partner. But their partner nonetheless picks up on the anger and grows even less inclined to have sex. Having a conversation about your fears may reduce the tension in this scenario.

Principle 6: Get Out of a Deadlock

In addition to fixing your solvable problems, you must learn to deal with perpetual problems and the damage they can cause—namely, deadlock, or what Gottman and Silver call “gridlock.” Gottman and Silver explain that you can learn to live with a perpetual problem. But if you don’t, the problem will build up and grow into a deadlock. A deadlock is a situation when neither you nor your partner can imagine not getting your way, as backing down in any manner would mean losing something central to your identity.

Gottman and Silver warn that remaining deadlocked over an issue increases your risk of divorce. If you’re unable to budge on an issue, your conflicts become increasingly antagonistic. This may lead to flooding. Alternatively, you may try to push the issue under the rug, but not talking about it only increases resentment and decreases the trust you have in each other—which also leads to emotional disengagement and eventual divorce.

Gottman explains that having a strong marital friendship can help prevent deadlock. But if you’re already deadlocked over an issue, he recommends the following process to overcome it.

Step1. Figure out what you’re actually fighting about. Gottman and Silver say that if you’re deadlocked, the fight is not really about the issue on the surface. Rather, it’s about an underlying desire you have. Usually, this desire is something you’ve wanted since you were a kid. For example, if you regularly want to spend more than your partner does on vacation, this may reflect a deeper desire: You want to travel because you never got to go as a kid, while your partner had a financially unstable childhood and would rather save any extra money for a rainy day.

Step 2. Communicate your desire to your partner. Once you’ve each identified your underlying desires, calmly communicate them to your partner. If you’re sharing your desire, be clear and honest. If you’re listening to your partner’s desire, be curious. Remember that at this point, your goal is to acknowledge and accept what your partner wants.

(Shortform note: Don’t skip Step 1 and jump straight into Step 2! Gottman and Silver’s technique is reminiscent of acceptance therapy, which encourages spouses to learn to accept each other’s differences even if they cause conflict. Acceptance therapists posit that if you feel that your partner supports and acknowledges your feelings on an issue, you’re more likely to compromise on aspects of it. Understanding the positive motivation behind your feelings can help your partner acknowledge and accept them—even if they don’t fully agree with what you want.)

Step 3. Negotiate. Using the same circle method you used to fix your solvable problem, decide on a way to temporarily deal with the issue you’re deadlocked over. Try it for two months; then, revisit the issue if necessary. Remember to take regular breaks and use de-escalation attempts to avoid or deal with flooding.

Comparing Deadlock, Positional Bargaining, and Principled Negotiation

If you’re in a deadlock, you may be engaged in what the Getting to Yes authors Roger Fisher and William Ury call “positional bargaining.” In positional bargaining, each of you starts with a position, argues and defends it, and bargains until you reach a compromise. However, the harder you try to convince the other side of how right you are, and the more you defend your position against attack, the more strongly committed to it you become. You then feel you must save face by not giving in—just as couples in deadlock can’t fathom the idea of not getting their way.

Positional bargaining, like deadlock, also undermines the ongoing relationship between the negotiators. These are usually businesses, so there’s no risk of divorce. But just as in married couples, the conversation grows increasingly antagonistic, building up anger and resentment—and hinders the ability of the two sides to work together in the future.

Instead of positional bargaining, Fisher and Ury advocate “principled negotiation.” Under this paradigm, the negotiators focus on the underlying interests behind your positions—your needs, desires, fears, and concerns—just as Gottman and Silver recommend you figure out what you’re really fighting about. Similarly, just as Gottman and Silver suggest you try multiple solutions if necessary, Fisher and Ury recommend that you come up with multiple options based on mutual interests to see what might work.

Step 4. Express gratitude. As Gottman and Silver point out, any conversation about a deadlocked issue will likely be tense—especially if you need multiple conversations to arrive at a mutually satisfying solution. End each conversation on a positive note by expressing gratitude for three things your partner has done recently.

(Shortform note: In The Power, Rhonda Byrne suggests that regularly expressing gratitude has a compounding effect. When you show gratitude, you give love, so you’ll receive love in return. So the more frequently you express gratitude in your relationship, the more your relationship will improve.)

Principle 7: Cultivate Your Culture

Once you develop a strong marital friendship and learn how to handle conflict effectively, Gottman and Silver recommend that you cultivate your culture. He explains that every marriage has its own culture—a shared understanding of what matters and what you’re working toward. The greater this sense of shared understanding, the more fulfilling your marriage will be.

(Shortform note: The lower rate of divorce for same-race couples compared to mixed-race couples supports Gottman and Silver’s contention that having a shared culture helps your marriage last. One report found that interracial couples have a 10% higher chance of divorce than same-race couples. Although race and culture are not the same, the interracial couples may have also been in intercultural marriages—and so had less of a shared understanding than the same-race couples who may have had same-culture marriages.)

Gottman and Silver identify four common ways couples cultivate their culture. First, they have unifying ceremonies—ritualized, organized events or habits that foster closeness. These rituals may be something they grew up with or something they invent as a couple. Second, they have similar expectations for each other. For example, they might agree that when it comes to their children, one parent should be the nurturer while the other should be the discipliner. Third, they have a common purpose they can work toward. Fourth, they have something that represents what they both consider to be important in life. This can be a physical thing or a non-physical thing (like a story).

For example, Bea and Bridget both value education. Every Wednesday night, they might sit on the couch and read together (a unifying ceremony). They might agree that a parent’s job is to nurture their child’s intellect (similar expectations), so they budget more money on their kids’ education. They might encourage each other to go to the library because they want to become more well-informed (a common purpose). And they might steadily add to their home library (a physical object), which represents the schooling that they both value.

(Shortform note: Gottman and Silver appear to be unique in discussing the value of a culture within a marriage—whether or not the couple has children. Most literature in this area focuses on the broader “family culture,” which includes all members of a multigenerational family. Experts don’t specify the importance of symbols, ceremonies, or common purposes, but they do note that in a family culture, there are strong expectations: The parents expect that their offspring will continue their culture, and each member of the family expects to be treated relatively similarly. Additionally, a family culture is usually implicitly understood among members of the family rather than stated aloud.)

To cultivate your culture, Gottman and Silver explain that you must talk about what matters to the both of you. First, agree on two unifying rituals that you wish to implement in your lives. Then, discuss your purpose, your expectations, and the things that represent what you care about in life. You won’t agree on everything, and that’s OK. Moreover, you’ll need to continuously talk about what matters throughout your marriage. But as long as you can share some things and act considerately with respect to each other’s differences, you can cultivate a culture—and a more meaningful partnership.

(Shortform note: Discussing what matters to the both of you is particularly important if you’re in an intercultural marriage. You may have rituals, purposes, expectations, or symbols that you don’t even realize matter until your spouse challenges them. Moreover, your in-laws or parents may be upset if you choose to cultivate a culture that goes against their cultural values. Like Gottman and Silver, experts suggest that you can work through any issues as long as you remain tolerant of each other’s cultures, are open to learning, and are willing to have potentially tough conversations with your spouse, your parents, and your in-laws.)