PDF Summary:The Practice of Groundedness, by Brad Stulberg

In today’s world, it can feel like if you want to be successful, you must constantly “hustle” and relentlessly pursue self-improvement. But in The Practice of Groundedness, Brad Stulberg writes that this approach leads to burnout, illness, and unhappiness. He proposes a more sustainable and meaningful way of living and working built on the concept of groundedness—the ability to stay balanced and stable when facing challenges and uncertainty. By following his six principles of groundedness, you can pursue your most ambitious goals without angst, exhaustion, or suffering.

In this guide, we’ll discuss Stulberg’s thoughts on our modern obsession with productivity and the dangers of what he calls “heroic individualism.” We’ll then share the six elements of groundedness you can practice to achieve more sustainable success. Along the way, we’ll compare Stulberg’s ideas with those of other well-being and performance experts, and we’ll offer additional tips to help you become more grounded.

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Practice Self-Compassion

Stulberg writes that practicing self-compassion can also help you be more accepting of your reality. Self-compassion is simply being kinder to yourself. Stulberg argues that when you don’t treat yourself with kindness—when you blame and judge yourself—you feel guilt and shame. These emotions prevent you from seeing a situation clearly and thus knowing how to deal with problems effectively. Being kinder to yourself, however, allows you to move beyond feelings of guilt instead of wallowing in them, which enables you to properly assess a situation and take steps to improve it.

(Shortform note: In Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach defines compassion as responding to pain with love and tenderness instead of resistance. Brach acknowledges that this can be difficult—shame and pain can prevent you from being kind to yourself. She suggests, if you find this is true, that you reach out to others for help. This is an alternate approach to self-compassion that she calls mindful prayer, through which you reach outward for help, love, and support as you try to respond to your pain with understanding and kindness. Doing this can help you accept your pain and become more compassionate towards it.)

Stulberg offers two ways to practice more self-compassion:

1. Say “want” instead of “should.” When you use the word “should,” you aren’t accepting reality but are instead wishing for a different situation. This causes feelings like guilt and frustration. “Want,” on the other hand, helps you accept and work with reality to move toward a more desirable outcome.

(Shortform note: In Nonviolent Communication, Marshall B. Rosenberg explains that statements using “should” are a form of moralistic self-judgment—they’re demands, not requests, since we punish ourselves if we don’t comply with them. To rewrite your inner dialogue to be more compassionate, he suggests you phrase the issue as: “When a happens, I feel b because I need c. Therefore, I would like to d.” For example, you could rephrase the self-critical assertion “I’m wasting my education. I should do more with my life” with “When I spend this much time at home, I feel depressed because I need professional fulfillment. Therefore, I would like to get a part-time job.”)

2. Treat yourself like a baby. Stulberg explains that if a baby was upset, you wouldn’t scold them or tell them to stop crying—that would only make things worse. Instead, you would comfort them or let them cry until they calm down. Similarly, be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to experience your emotions without judgment.

(Shortform note: Stulberg’s advice is based on the assumption that it’s important to handle children’s feelings with care and sensitivity. In Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman echoes this sentiment, explaining that the way our feelings were treated when we were children significantly influences our ability to deal with emotions and empathize with others as adults. Scolding crying children teaches them that emotions should be punished whereas comfort teaches a healthier model—to not judge emotions but to let them run their course. The same principle applies to how we should treat ourselves when we’re in a vulnerable state—essentially, when we’re growing into a stronger way of coping.)

2) Live Fully in the Present

Stulberg’s second element of groundedness is living fully in the present moment. This is when you give your undivided attention to what’s happening now instead of dwelling in the past, thinking about the future, or multitasking. Being present allows you to experience your life more richly and be more intentional with how you use your time and energy.

According to Stulberg, obsessing over self-improvement makes it hard to live in the present: When you’re constantly analyzing the past, worrying about the future, or going through your to-do list in your head, you scatter yourself in too many directions instead of focusing on what matters to you.

(Shortform note: Stulberg’s principle of living fully in the present moment is similar to the concept of mindfulness. According to Buddhist monk Bhante Gunaratana in Mindfulness in Plain English, mindfulness is the key to finding long-lasting peace and satisfaction with your life. To practice mindfulness as he describes it, when you focus on the present, you also practice detachment: You observe things as they are without attaching concepts, ideas, or emotions to them. This is important because a major source of our unhappiness is our tendency to categorize experiences as good, bad, or neutral—something we may naturally do when we pursue self-improvement.)

Stulberg suggests some ways to redirect your attention to the present:

Schedule Focus Time

In today’s digital age, it’s easy to get distracted, but it’s also impractical to forbid yourself from ever multitasking or checking your devices. Thus, Stulberg suggests you schedule periods of time throughout your day to be fully present. By scheduling focus time, you can be more purposeful and focus on what’s important to you. When planning your day, set aside chunks of time to focus entirely on the task at hand—whether it’s a work project or quality time with family and friends.

Stulberg also suggests you help yourself focus by removing potential distractions in advance. Find places to put away devices and other things that might divert your attention from the task you want to focus on. Having distractions around will test your willpower and make it hard for you to focus.

Decide What You Shouldn’t Do

In addition to scheduling what you need to do, it’s equally important to make a list of what you should not do. Stulberg argues that to-do lists can actually be counterproductive by making you feel obligated to perform useless tasks. To be more intentional with your time, reflect on what you spend your time on and cut any task that doesn’t align with your goals and values. This way, you can dedicate your full attention and energy to what matters.

Additional Tips for Managing Your Focus and Attention

In Hyperfocus, Chris Bailey agrees with Stulberg on the importance of focus and provides additional tips for scheduling focus time, eliminating distractions, and managing your tasks:

Scheduling focus time: In addition to making time to focus, Bailey suggests you strategically decide when to focus. Schedule focus sessions for when you have the most energy (which you can determine by recording your energy levels for a few weeks). If needed, you can use caffeine to increase your focus just before starting your task or activity.

Eliminating distractions: Bailey argues that we’re biologically driven to distraction, which is why it’s important to preempt distractions, as Stulberg suggests. We have a “novelty bias,” which means we get drawn to new things. On the neurochemical level, our brains release dopamine (a feel-good chemical) wherever we pivot to a new task or distraction. This motivates us to continue multitasking or giving in to distractions. To manage distractions, Bailey advises closing your email client, deleting or blocking access to apps, and disabling notifications.

Deciding the tasks you shouldn’t do: Stulberg doesn’t elaborate on how to decide which tasks to cut, but Bailey suggests you do this by reflecting first on the different tasks you currently spend your time doing. Create an attention matrix by sorting your tasks into four categories: unnecessary, distracting, necessary, and meaningful. This will help you realize how much time you spend on autopilot (wasting time on unnecessary or distracting tasks) and also identify what tasks to cut, as Stulberg suggests.

3) Slow Down and Trust the Process

The third element of groundedness is patience: Learn to slow down and trust the process.

Stulberg argues that anything worth doing takes time to achieve, whether it’s developing a skill, creating a piece of artwork, or building a career. If you try to rush your results, you’ll either burn out or give up from disappointment. But if you give your project time and space to unfold, and devote sustained and steady effort to it, you’ll get the results you hope for.

(Shortform note: Slowing down has benefits beyond giving you focus and energy to achieve your goals. In The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry, John Mark Comer writes that when you slow your pace, you also improve your patience. Patience makes you more relaxed as you’ll stop feeling anxious when things take time. It also helps you treat others better, improving your relationships.)

Stulberg gives two suggestions for how to slow down in life:

1. Do 10% less. Many times, we think that doing more will lead to better outcomes. However, Stulberg argues that this often isn’t true—taking a step back and doing less can be more productive than taking on unnecessary burdens and pushing yourself beyond your limits. If you feel stressed, injured, or ill, you may have been overdoing it, and Stulberg advises you to try doing 10% less than you think you can and should do. He writes that it’s better to move slowly but surely than to go too hard and burn out. When you do, you can perform better and make more progress in the long run.

(Shortform note: Doing 10% less aligns with the strategy of working smarter, not harder. If you’re afraid that dialing your efforts back will result in slower progress toward your goals, consider the Pareto Principle, which states that 80% of what you achieve comes from only 20% of your efforts. In other words, only a small portion of what you do gets you the results you want. Thus, by cutting out 10% of your low-impact activities, you can save time, energy, and attention for the high-impact ones.)

2. Focus on the steps, not the goal. Determine the process for achieving your goal and break it down into steps. Once you have the steps before you, stop thinking about the goal entirely and focus on doing the steps well. Stulberg explains that focusing on reaching a goal will make you want to rush the process. This can lead you to take risks, make more mistakes, and experience stress and dissatisfaction. Focusing on the steps helps you stay disciplined and consistent, allowing you to achieve more results than if you pushed yourself too hard.

(Shortform note: In Atomic Habits, James Clear agrees with Stulberg, arguing that it’s better to focus on improving your systems (your routine and behavior) than achieve specific goals. He shares three advantages of focusing on systems over goals: First, systems create lasting change whereas goals only require temporary change (as once you’ve achieved them, you’ll likely stop the behaviors you adopted in the process). Second, improving your systems gives you an ongoing sense of achievement whereas goals take time to achieve. Lastly, focusing on goals makes you inflexible, and you can miss other opportunities or paths that might help you achieve what you want.)

4) Accept Your Whole Self

The next element of groundedness is acceptance of your whole self. This means you embrace yourself as you are with all your weaknesses as well as your strengths.

According to Stulberg, many people try to hide behind a mask of perfection. You might want others to see you as the perfect CEO, student, or parent when such a status is unattainable. When you don’t match the image you present yourself as, however, you’ll be insecure and feel like an imposter.

On the other hand, being open to vulnerability helps you be more comfortable with who you are. This means accepting your flaws and weaknesses and not being afraid to reveal them to others. You might fear that admitting your flaws will make you look weak in front of others, but Stulberg argues that it has the opposite effect: Studies show that people actually find expressions of vulnerability courageous. It also helps others better connect with you by making them feel more comfortable and trusting toward you.

(Shortform note: Embracing your flaws and weaknesses can be easier said than done. In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown explains that everyone experiences shame, or the feeling that you’re not good enough. She writes that to be vulnerable and accept your whole self, you must first cultivate your sense of worthiness—the conviction that you deserve to be loved just as you are. You can do this by accepting yourself unconditionally, rejecting the belief you must meet others’ expectations or standards, recognizing that you don’t need to prove or earn your worth, and believing you deserve love and belonging.)

To be more accepting of your whole self, Stulberg recommends you:

1. Investigate your fears. When you feel insecure, reflect on what you’re really afraid of. Are you afraid of embarrassing yourself or being rejected by others? Acknowledge that everyone experiences those same fears and imagine what might happen if you accept them instead of trying to repress them. By doing so, you may realize that your fears are natural and that they can help guide you into acting productively.

(Shortform note: In Tools of Titans, Tim Ferriss provides an alternative exercise for investigating and overcoming your fears: First, imagine the worst-case scenario in vivid detail. Ask yourself how likely it is to happen and how you could recover from this scenario. Next, imagine the best-case outcome and ask yourself how this outcome would improve your life. According to Ferriss, this exercise can help you realize that the worst outcome is not as crippling as you might have believed.)

2. Be honest about your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, to protect our image and our egos, we say things we don’t mean—we, for example, might project an image of confidence when we feel insecure. Pay attention to these moments, Stulberg advises. For example, if your team at work runs into a problem, instead of telling them that everything’s fine, you might share that you’re feeling uncertain but are determined to find solutions.

(Shortform note: In A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle explains that all humans have an ego—a part of our minds that fears never being enough. Because of this fear, our ego looks for ways to gain superiority by driving our thoughts and behaviors to construct a false, inflated self-image. According to Tolle, our ego-controlled behaviors are highly problematic, contributing to social, environmental, and economic crises, which underscores the importance of Stulberg’s advice to not let your ego dictate your behaviors and to be honest about your thoughts and feelings.)

5) Nurture Strong Relationships

Practicing vulnerability helps you foster the next element of groundedness: Having strong and meaningful connections with others. Stulberg writes that being a part of a community prevents loneliness and gives you a sense of belonging—one of our basic human needs.

Stulberg explains that loneliness takes a toll on our mental, emotional, and physical health. Studies show that loneliness causes increased stress and inflammation and puts you at higher risk for illnesses like heart disease, anxiety, and depression. In today’s culture, our fixation with productivity and success leads many of us to neglect our relationships, and according to research, people have become three times lonelier in recent decades.

Stulberg adds that loneliness is a vicious cycle. Loneliness triggers your body’s threat response, which raises your stress hormones and blood pressure. The reason this happens is evolutionary: When our ancestors were alone and separated from a group, they had to be more vigilant to threats in order to survive. However, if we’re constantly feeling insecure and scanning for threats, we find it harder to empathize and connect with others. This only perpetuates a sense of loneliness.

On the other hand, building strong relationships is a virtuous cycle. Evolutionarily, our ancestors relied on trust and cooperation to survive, so we have a natural tendency to form bonds with people. When we make meaningful connections with others, we feel more secure and accepted, which in turn makes us more receptive to new people.

Loneliness Can Cause Depression

In Lost Connections, Johann Hari argues that being disconnected from others is a primary cause of depression. He elaborates on our evolutionary history: Loneliness not only triggered our ancestors’ stress response to prepare them for threats, but it also made them depressed, which motivated them to return to their tribe. People who stayed with their tribe were more likely to survive and pass on their genes than loners, so we’ve evolved to be especially sensitive to the effects of loneliness and isolation.

Like Stulberg, Hari argues the importance of making meaningful connections for two reasons:

First, he notes the worsening trend of loneliness and explains that people feel increasingly lonelier because almost every form of social connection is becoming less common (like having regular dinners with friends).

Second, Hari explains that loneliness not only elevates your stress levels, but it causes your body to release the same amount of stress hormones as it would if you were being physically attacked.

Hari agrees with Stulberg that loneliness and companionship are self-reinforcing loops and says building genuine relationships with others by practicing communal care (helping others and accepting help in turn) restores us to our natural, healthy state as social animals.

Prioritize Quality Over Quantity

Stulberg recommends that as you pursue community bonds, you focus on creating deep, meaningful connections with a select few individuals instead of forming shallow relationships with many. The ease of connecting with others in our digital age can lead us to connect with too many people. We mistakenly believe that by connecting with more people—by amassing friends on social media, for instance—we’ll feel less lonely. However, the reverse is usually true: Shallow connections often leave us feeling lonelier. Instead, Stulberg advises that you cultivate strong relationships with a smaller group of people, which will lead to genuine happiness.

But which relationships should you prioritize? Stulberg explains that the people you spend time with have a big impact on you—their emotions, behaviors, and attitudes affect your own. Because of this, you should prioritize making close and meaningful connections with people who share your values.

(Shortform note: To make more quality connections, it may be helpful to first evaluate your current relationships. In Minimalism, Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus suggest you do so by making a relationship chart: In the first column, write down the names of every person you regularly interact with. In the second column, categorize each relationship as primary (your closest friends and family), secondary (your close friends or extended family), or peripheral (your acquaintances). Then, in the third column, write down the effect of each relationship on your life: positive, negative, or neutral. Once you do, you can start rethinking what role these people should play in your life.)

To cultivate deeper bonds, Stulberg recommends you use technology as a tool wisely: Use it to arrange more in-person interactions but not to replace them. Being physically present with others is crucial for empathy and connection, so scrolling through social media feeds or sending text messages shouldn’t substitute for in-person connections. Instead, use technology to stay in contact with your community and organize meetups.

(Shortform note: In Digital Minimalism, Cal Newport argues that digital interactions don’t actually satisfy our social needs, yet we gravitate toward them because they’re easier and faster alternatives. To use technology as a tool (and not a replacement) for connection, Newport suggests you use digital communication for only two purposes: 1) planning and coordinating conversations and 2) sharing simple logistical information. For instance, instead of leaving likes and comments on social media (which doesn’t truly strengthen your relationship), call or meet up with the person to share your thoughts.)

6) Take Care of Your Physical Health

Lastly, the sixth element of groundedness is taking care of your physical health. Stulberg especially emphasizes the importance of staying active, arguing that we often neglect exercise when we prioritize success and productivity—to our detriment. He writes that our bodies aren’t designed to sit for long hours. For most of human history, humans were constantly on the move, and only in recent times have we become sedentary. This has resulted in many health problems, such as a higher risk of mental illness and chronic diseases.

According to Stulberg, the key to counteracting these negative health effects is to move your body frequently throughout the day. You don’t need to do strenuous or time-consuming workouts—come up with some simple ways to incorporate physical activity into your daily routine. For example, you could take short breaks to walk or stretch.

(Shortform note: In Ikigai, Héctor García argues that the sedentary lifestyle of modern societies hinders healthy and graceful aging. Like Stulberg, García cites numerous health reasons for avoiding too much inactivity, adding that sitting even for five minutes can drop good cholesterol levels. Thus, he encourages you to find simple ways to stay active and specifically recommends you incorporate gentle physical exercises that also promote mindful breathing into your daily routine. This includes exercises like radio taiso, yoga, tai chi, and qigong.)

When you exercise regularly, writes Stulberg, you’ll not only improve your physical health but also your emotional and mental health. This is because your mind and body are connected. By staying physically active, you can boost your mood, increase your energy levels, and think more clearly and creatively.

(Shortform note: Neuroscience research shows that regular exercise improves your mental health by releasing a host of brain chemicals including endorphins, endocannabinoids, and dopamine—all of which boost your mood. In Brain Rules, John Medina adds exercise also increases blood flow to your brain, which boosts your memory and ability to focus and problem-solve.)