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In the age of instant gratification, where overparenting and praise for basic tasks is the norm, many children grow up with a sense of entitlement. Amy McCready addresses this epidemic in The Me, Me, Me Epidemic and offers proven strategies to combat it.

Her methods aim to cultivate independence, accountability, and self-worth in kids. Parents learn techniques to assign responsibilities, set boundaries, and empower children to make age-appropriate decisions. With a focus on fostering connections and instilling strong values, McCready guides caregivers in raising grounded individuals equipped for life's challenges.

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  • If not carefully managed, this system could create a competitive atmosphere in the home, with children vying for the more lucrative "Jobs for Hire," which could disrupt family harmony.
  • This method might not instill a sense of voluntary community service or altruism, as children might grow accustomed to being paid for tasks that could be considered acts of kindness or civic duty.
  • The "Job for Hire" tool may not be as effective in teaching diligence if the child is not motivated by money or if the tasks available for hire do not align with the child's interests or abilities.
  • The definition of 'satisfactory completion' can be subjective, potentially leading to disagreements and feelings of unfairness if the child believes they have met the criteria while the parent does not.

Empowering Children Through Independence, Accountability, and Belonging

McCready believes that to combat entitlement in children effectively, we must foster independence, responsibility, and a solid feeling of connection. She suggests that by creating an environment where children feel capable and valued for their contributions, they won't be as inclined to expect exceptional treatment.

Enable Kids to Make Decisions Suitable for Their Age Through Rich Environments

McCready asserts that one of the most effective methods to reduce an entitlement mentality is by creating what she calls an "environment full of decisions." This involves offering children choices suitable for their developmental stage in various aspects of their daily lives. Offering them chances to make decisions, even in seemingly small matters, empowers them by fostering a feeling of autonomy in their lives.

Offer Children Choices for Everyday Tasks and Hobbies

McCready recommends parents provide choices even within the mundane routines of daily living. By asking questions like "Would you like to wear your blue shirt or your red shirt today?" or "Do you want to brush your teeth before or after you put on your pajamas?" parents enable kids to decide within set boundaries. These small choices give children a sense of autonomy and help them feel that their opinions are valued.

McCready advises against offering open-ended choices to children unless they're ready to accept any response. It's better to offer limited options that you're okay with, especially with younger children who are still developing their ability to make decisions.

Other Perspectives

  • Some children may experience anxiety when presented with choices, especially if they are naturally indecisive or if the choices have consequences they fear.
  • This approach assumes that children are always interested in making choices about routine tasks, but some children might prefer or benefit from having certain routines established without having to make a choice, as it provides a sense of security and predictability.
  • This approach could potentially lead to a lack of confidence in making decisions when unlimited options are presented later in life.
  • By not offering open-ended choices, parents might miss out on understanding their child's true desires or inclinations, which can be revealed through their unrestricted choices.
Increase Children's Autonomy and Decision-Making as They Mature

As children mature, so too should the complexity and significance of the choices they're permitted to make. According to McCready, the aim is to gradually increase their autonomy and responsibility, getting them ready for greater independence in adulthood. Instead of dictating every aspect of their lives, parents should guide and support their children in making decisions that affect them directly, such as choosing extracurricular activities, planning a family outing, or deciding. how to use their allowance.

McCready encourages parents to let their children consider options, gather information, and discuss their thoughts before making a final decision, especially for significant choices with long-term implications. This process of thoughtful decision-making equips them with essential skills for life.

Context

  • As children grow, their cognitive abilities and understanding of the world expand. This development supports their capacity to handle more complex decisions, which is why increasing autonomy aligns with their natural growth.
  • Decision-making practices can vary across cultures, and understanding these differences can help tailor guidance to fit individual family values and societal norms.
  • Managing an allowance introduces basic financial concepts such as budgeting, saving, and spending wisely, laying the groundwork for future financial responsibility.
  • Engaging in discussions about decisions enhances children's communication skills. They learn to articulate their thoughts, listen to others, and engage in constructive dialogue, which is essential for effective interpersonal relationships.

Assign Household Tasks and Hold Children Accountable

According to McCready, expecting children to contribute to the household is essential In order to help them develop a sense of responsibility and belonging within the family structure. These "Family Contributions" involve chores reframed as meaningful tasks that each family member must complete, supporting the household's overall well-being.

Use Training Tools to Teach Kids Responsibility and Behavior

The author provides two vital tools, "Make Time for Instruction" and "Family Contributions," to guide parents in assigning and managing children's responsibilities. McCready emphasizes the importance of spending the time to teach children how to complete tasks correctly and safely, breaking down complex work into more manageable steps. By providing clear instructions, demonstrations, and opportunities for practice, parents empower children to successfully accomplish their contributions.

McCready encourages caregivers to adopt a positive and encouraging approach during training, concentrating on improvement and progress rather than perfection. Emphasizing progress and celebrating successes will help children gain confidence and become motivated to develop new skills.

Context

  • Responsibility and self-discipline learned at home can translate into better academic performance, as children apply these skills to their studies.
  • Making time for instruction involves dedicating specific periods to teach children how to perform tasks, which helps them understand the purpose and importance of their responsibilities.
  • Smaller steps make it easier to identify and correct mistakes, allowing for immediate feedback and learning.
  • Recognizing that children have different learning styles—visual, auditory, or kinesthetic—can help in choosing the most effective way to provide instructions and demonstrations.
  • Empowered children are often more adaptable, as they learn to approach tasks with a flexible mindset and are better equipped to handle changes or unexpected challenges.
  • Encouragement can enhance cognitive development by promoting curiosity and a willingness to explore new ideas.
  • Celebrating successes can boost a child's self-esteem and reinforce positive behavior. Recognition of achievements, no matter how small, can lead to increased motivation and a sense of accomplishment.
  • Active parental involvement in teaching and guiding children can strengthen the parent-child bond, providing a secure base from which children can explore and learn.
Ensure Children Feel Valued and Connected by Making Contributions

McCready believes that assigning consistent family tasks helps children feel they belong and are significant. When children actively participate in maintaining the home, they feel like valuable members of the family team. This feeling of belonging and being valued counteracts feelings of entitlement by reinforcing that everyone has a role to play in the family unit.

McCready recommends ensuring the family contribution system is age-appropriate and flexible. While tasks related to personal care should be non-negotiable, other responsibilities can be shifted or altered when necessary. She also encourages parents to involve children in discussions about how to effectively manage family responsibilities, giving them a voice in the decision-making process.

Context

  • In many cultures and throughout history, children have been expected to contribute to household duties, which has been seen as a way to prepare them for adult roles and responsibilities.
  • Feeling connected to family through shared responsibilities can provide emotional security. This security reduces the need for external validation, which can often manifest as entitlement when not properly addressed.
  • Ensuring tasks are suitable for a child’s age helps prevent accidents and ensures a safe environment for learning and contribution.
  • Ensuring that children understand the health implications of neglecting personal care, such as the risk of infections or social stigma, emphasizes the necessity of these tasks.
  • Shifting tasks can be a tool for resolving conflicts, ensuring that no child feels burdened or unfairly treated compared to siblings.

Encourage Young People to Develop Self-Motivation and Self-Worth

McCready is a strong advocate for nurturing children's self-driven motivation and a healthy sense of self-worth. She believes that by encouraging positive character traits, effort, and a growth mindset—without placing unnecessary emphasis on perfection or achievement—this will aid in their development of a strong internal compass that guides their decisions and behavior.

Avoid Labels and Comparisons That Undermine Children's Self-Perception

McCready cautions parents against labeling children as "smart," "athletic," or "funny." These labels, often well-intentioned, can inadvertently undermine kids' self-perception and curb their potential achievements. When children are labeled, they may feel pressured to meet these expectations, potentially discouraging them from exploring other interests or taking risks.

Furthermore, comparisons, particularly to siblings or classmates, may fuel feelings of inadequacy and competition. McCready urges caregivers to recognize each child's unique strengths and talents, focusing on their individual progress and growth rather than comparing them to others. By valuing individuality and uniqueness, parents can help children build self-worth that is not dependent on external validation or comparisons.

Other Perspectives

  • Children may not necessarily feel pressured by labels; some may find them motivating or take pride in these descriptors, which can foster a strong sense of identity and self-esteem.
  • Healthy competition, when framed positively, can encourage siblings or classmates to support and learn from each other's successes and challenges.
  • This approach could potentially isolate children who may not have an easily identifiable talent or strength, making them feel left out or undervalued.
  • While focusing on individual progress is important, comparisons can sometimes provide a useful benchmark for children to understand where they stand in a particular skill or subject, helping them set realistic goals for improvement.
  • It could potentially minimize the importance of community and teamwork, where individuality is sometimes less important than working together and supporting each other.
Help Kids Embrace Their Uniqueness, Not Perfection

In "The Me, Me, Me Epidemic," McCready encourages parents to help their children embrace their uniqueness and accept that they don't need to be exceptional. She argues that the relentless pursuit of perfection, often fueled by online networks and a success-oriented environment, leads to frustration and anxiety.

By focusing on their children's efforts, perseverance, and kindness, parents can help them develop a realistic and positive self-image. Encourage children to explore their interests, experiment, and learn from their mistakes without the fear of judgment or pressure to be "perfect." Celebrate their individuality and guide them to cultivate a growth mindset, believing they can gain knowledge and improve through effort and perseverance, regardless of their starting point.

Context

  • Research suggests that individuals who focus on personal growth and self-acceptance tend to have more fulfilling and successful lives.
  • Media and cultural narratives often glorify perfection and success, reinforcing the idea that anything less is unacceptable, which can skew personal values and priorities.
  • These qualities are linked to long-term success and happiness, as they foster adaptability and a positive attitude towards lifelong learning.
  • Parents play a crucial role in modeling acceptance of mistakes, showing that errors are a natural part of learning and growth.
  • The pressure to be perfect can lead to mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, as children may fear failure or judgment.
  • Celebrating individuality involves avoiding comparisons with others, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy. Instead, focus on personal progress and achievements.

Establishing a Culture With Natural and Rational Consequences

McCready advocates for implementing an environment where outcomes naturally or logically result from children's actions as a cornerstone of making them feel less entitled. This strategy allows children to experience firsthand the consequences of what they do, both positive and negative, leading to greater self-awareness and promoting responsible decision-making.

Understand the Purpose and Benefits of Natural and Rational Results

McCready argues that experiencing consequences that are logical and natural is an essential part of a child's development. Rather than viewing consequences as punishment, parents should embrace them as valuable learning opportunities for kids.

Let Kids Face the Natural Consequences of Their Decisions

Natural consequences occur organically as an immediate effect of a kid's choices. For example, if a kid won't put on a jacket on a chilly day, they'll naturally feel cold as a result. According to McCready, letting kids undergo these natural consequences within a safe environment teaches them valuable lessons about cause and effect. Once the consequence has played out, McCready advises parents to offer empathy and support but avoid lecturing or saying "I warned you."

Other Perspectives

  • The idea of natural consequences does not take into account the social, emotional, or psychological factors that may influence a child's decision-making process.
  • Natural consequences do not always occur in a consistent or predictable manner, which can lead to confusion rather than understanding.
  • While empathy and support are crucial, sometimes a gentle debriefing or discussion after the consequence can help reinforce the lesson learned and ensure the child understands the connection between their actions and the outcome.

Parents enforce logical outcomes as a consequence of their children's behavior. They should logically connect to the misbehavior, be reasonable in their severity, and be revealed to the child in advance. For example, if a child repeatedly forgets to bring their homework to school, a logical consequence might be losing access to video games for the evening. McCready stresses that logical consequences shouldn't serve as punishment or cause children to suffer, but rather as teaching moments that help them see the connection between their actions and the results.

Context

  • Logical outcomes are rooted in developmental psychology, which suggests that children learn best when they can see a clear cause-and-effect relationship between their actions and the consequences.
  • The consequence should be proportionate to the misbehavior, avoiding extreme measures that could lead to resentment or fear rather than understanding.
  • Clearly communicated consequences help ensure consistency in parenting. Children are less likely to feel that rules are arbitrary or unfair when they understand the rationale behind them.
  • Consequences that cause suffering can lead to feelings of resentment or shame, which may damage the parent-child relationship and reduce the effectiveness of the teaching moment.

Consistently Apply Consequences

According to McCready, consistency is key to the effectiveness of organic and rational outcomes. She encourages parents to develop an atmosphere of consequences where children consistently experience the outcomes of their choices.

Maintain Respect and Compassion When Delivering Consequences

McCready reminds caregivers to convey respect and empathy when delivering consequences, emphasizing that the goal is to help children learn and grow, not to punish or shame them. She advises parents to deliver consequences calmly and without judgment, focusing on the actions rather than the child's character or overall worth. Offer empathy and support, but avoid lecturing or rubbing it in that your point was proven. Let the results speak for themselves.

Context

  • Teaching children through respectful communication can enhance their emotional intelligence, helping them to better understand and manage their own emotions and empathize with others.
  • Criticizing a child's character can lead to feelings of shame and low self-esteem, which can hinder their emotional development. By addressing actions, caregivers can help children maintain a positive self-image while still learning from their mistakes.

Other Perspectives

  • Some argue that a purely nonjudgmental approach might not provide enough guidance on moral or ethical standards, which can be an important part of a child's development.
  • Offering empathy and support may not always be appropriate if it inadvertently reinforces negative behavior or diminishes the seriousness of the consequences.
  • Lecturing can sometimes be an effective educational tool, providing a comprehensive explanation that helps a child understand the broader context of their actions.
  • Letting the results speak for themselves could be misinterpreted by the child as indifference or lack of engagement from the caregiver.
Avoid Rescuing or Lecturing After Consequences Occur

McCready cautions against rescuing children from the outcomes of their actions, even when it is tempting to do so. Rescuing children from experiencing the consequences of their choices sends the message that they are not responsible for their actions, fostering entitlement and dependence. Instead, allow children to feel the natural or logical consequence and then offer support and guidance as they learn from the experience.

Similarly, McCready encourages that parents not lecture after consequences have occurred, as this can lead to defensiveness and power battles. Focus on empathy, problem-solving, and brainstorming alternative choices for future situations.

Context

  • Over time, rescuing can hinder a child's ability to function independently in various settings, such as school or work, where personal responsibility is expected.
  • These are imposed by parents or caregivers but are directly related to the misbehavior. For instance, if a child breaks a toy by being careless, they might need to use their allowance to buy a new one.
  • Demonstrate how to handle mistakes and setbacks by sharing your own experiences and showing resilience and accountability.
  • Children, especially younger ones, may not have the cognitive ability to process lengthy explanations or lectures, which can lead to confusion rather than clarity.
  • When children perceive a lecture as a threat to their autonomy, they may experience psychological reactance, a motivational reaction to regain freedom, leading to resistance or oppositional behavior.

Empower Children to Grow Through Errors and Find Solutions

McCready emphasizes that cultivating an environment of consequences helps children see failure as a learning opportunity, promoting problem-solving and encouraging a growth mindset.

Use the "This or That" Strategy to Address Unexpected Misbehaviors

McCready introduces the Either-Or tool, a helpful strategy for addressing unexpected misbehaviors in the moment. With this technique, parents give children two choices: one involves stopping the undesirable behavior and rectifying the situation, while the other offers an acceptable way to persist in the behavior. For example, if a child is throwing a ball in the living room, the Either-Or might be, "You can either put the ball away and find something else to do, or go outside to play with it.”

Context

  • The Either-Or tool is designed to be used in the moment, providing immediate guidance and structure to address misbehavior effectively.
  • This strategy can be adapted to suit different ages and developmental stages, making it versatile for various situations.
  • It helps children learn about boundaries and the importance of respecting shared spaces, like the living room.
  • The "This or That" strategy is a form of positive discipline that empowers children by giving them a sense of control over their actions, which can lead to better cooperation and decision-making skills.
Encourage Children to Build Resilience and a Growth Mindset

By adopting a consequential approach to parenting, McCready encourages children to develop resilience and a growth mindset, helping them view setbacks and mistakes as opportunities for learning and growth. Help your children see that "failure" is a natural part of the learning process and a necessary stepping stone to success. Use the "What Are Your Plans?" tool to gently hold children accountable for their responsibilities without micromanaging or rescuing them. This open-ended question encourages them to independently think, develop a plan, and take ownership of the process.

Through consistently experiencing consequences, kids come to make wiser decisions, think critically, and build problem-solving skills—essential qualities for personal growth and a successful adult life. They will internalize the lesson that what they do has consequences and learn to make more responsible choices in the future.

Context

  • Coined by psychologist Carol Dweck, a growth mindset is the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed through dedication and hard work. This contrasts with a fixed mindset, where individuals see their abilities as static.
  • Embracing failure can reduce fear of making mistakes, leading to increased creativity and willingness to take risks.
  • The approach aligns with educational theories that support student-led learning, where children are active participants in their own development.
  • Accountability involves children recognizing their responsibilities and the impact of their actions. It means they are expected to follow through on commitments and understand the consequences of their choices.
  • Facing consequences provides real-life scenarios where children must evaluate options and outcomes, enhancing their decision-making abilities.
  • Developing plans often involves considering others’ perspectives and collaborating, which enhances social skills and empathy.

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