PDF Summary:The Man's Guide to Women, by John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Douglas Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams

Whether you're a man seeking to understand your partner better or a woman wanting to provide your partner with a resource for understanding you, The Man's Guide to Women is a practical guide to navigate the complexities of female psychology. Renowned relationship experts John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, together with Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams, employ scientific research, real-life examples, and years of clinical experience to demystify the intricacies of women's inner world.

From dating to sex to marriage, this guide equips men with the tools to initiate, build, and sustain a successful and mutually fulfilling relationship. We’ll supplement the authors’ advice with a range of perspectives on psychology, gender, love, and marriage from authors like Esther Perel (Mating in Captivity), Ian Kerner (She Comes First), and Rollo Tomassi (The Rational Male).

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Experiment

Mixing things up and experimenting ensures sex doesn’t become routine, write the authors. This may involve changing sexual positions or rhythm during intercourse. Sometimes women may enjoy slow, gentle rhythms or other times a faster pace. Different positions can also stimulate different areas, increasing pleasure.

(Shortform note: While experimentation can keep things exciting, not everyone likes to shake things up. Shifting sexual norms have empowered people to experiment with different types of sex that may have previously been considered taboo, however some argue the newest sexual revolution has unintentionally fostered a culture of “vanilla shaming.” Vanilla sex often refers to traditional sex, or sex devoid of any kink and fetishes. Some argue that an unintended side effect of the sex positive movement is that people who prefer traditional, so-called "vanilla" sex, feel judged or stigmatized. By creating a dichotomy where “vanilla” is viewed as lesser, there's the risk of replacing one oppressive norm with another.)

Stay Connected

Finally, the authors point out that intimacy doesn't end when sex is over. Staying connected post-sex, through cuddling, gentle touches, or loving words, can enhance a woman's sexual satisfaction and deepen the emotional bond between partners. This ties back to the idea that pleasing a woman sexually isn't just about the physical act but also about emotional connection and ongoing intimacy.

(Shortform note: The authors say that to continue having good sex in the future, you should cuddle, talk, and spend some time together after your session. While staying connected is important and you don’t need to hop out of bed immediately, experts note a few more post-sex tasks that are necessary if you want to have good sex in the future. 1) Clean up—wash your hands, genitals, and any sex toys you used. This will prevent possible infections that can make sex painful. 2) Go pee—this flushes out bacteria that may have entered your urethra during sex and can cause uncomfortable infections. 3) Wear loose clothing—tight clothing can create a moist, warm environment where bacteria like yeast thrive.)

How to Handle Conflict

Once you move past the sex-addled honeymoon phase of a relationship, conflicts are bound to arise. Conflicts can damage a relationship if couples resort to coping mechanisms like criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or stonewalling. However, the authors explain that managing conflict effectively is a powerful way to strengthen your relationship.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Relationships

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John and Julie Gottman elaborate on how poor conflict management can degrade a marriage over time. They use the metaphor of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse from the biblical Book of Revelation to describe four negative communication styles that can cause serious harm to a relationship. These four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

1. Criticism: This isn't just voicing a complaint or critique, which focus on specific instances or actions. Criticism, as per the Gottmans' definition, involves attacking your partner's personality or character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong. It often includes blame and generalizations (such as "you always…" or "you never...").

2. Contempt: This is when one person feels superior to others. It includes sarcasm, cynicism, sneering, mockery, and eye-rolling. Contempt is destructive to a relationship because it makes the other person feel despised and worthless. This horseman is considered the most harmful one as it conveys disgust and disrespect.

3. Defensiveness: This horseman often enters when criticism and contempt have been present. Instead of addressing the issue, the defensive partner redirects the focus onto themselves, behaving as if they are the victim. Defensiveness also escalates conflict rather than resolving it, as it justifies your own actions and blames the problem on your partner.

4. Stonewalling: This horseman arrives when a person withdraws from the interaction, shutting down and closing themselves off from their partner. This typically happens as a response to feeling physiologically overwhelmed, and it often takes the form of looking away, silence, monosyllabic answers, changing the subject, or physically leaving the situation without explanation. When one partner goes into stonewalling mode, it can make the other partner feel ignored or abandoned, further escalating the conflict.

Regulate Your Emotions

First, the authors recommend you pay attention to your physiological response during conflicts. Men often experience a state of emotional flooding when in conflict, characterized by a need to defend, an emotional shutdown, and an inability to self-soothe. In fact, research shows that men tend to become more overwhelmed than women in conflict situations.

If you feel overwhelmed in a conflict, the authors recommend using self-soothing techniques such as deep breathing or taking a break from the conversation. However, the authors suggest you communicate your need for this break to your partner to avoid them feeling abandoned or rejected. You can do this by explaining that you’re feeling overwhelmed and making a plan for when you’ll come back together to finish the conversation.

How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Response to Conflict

In Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller contend that individual responses to conflict, such as emotional flooding, align more closely with one's attachment style—be it secure, anxious, or avoidant—than with their gender. For example, an avoidant individual may seem distant or defensive, not due to an innate inability to cope with conflict, but as a mechanism to maintain self-reliance and emotional distance. Understanding these attachment-driven behaviors provides a framework that transcends gender stereotypes, suggesting that both men and women can exhibit a range of responses based on their attachment histories.

Levine and Heller add that if you become emotionally flooded, communicating your need for a break is especially important if your partner has an insecure attachment style. An insecure attachment style—whether anxious or avoidant—can make a partner particularly sensitive to breaks in communication during a conflict. By explicitly affirming your commitment to the relationship and setting a concrete time to continue the conversation, you help mitigate any fears of abandonment your partner might have. This transparent approach honors your need for emotional regulation but also considers your partner's attachment needs.

Listen and Ask Questions

The authors explain that when a woman brings a problem to a man's attention, it's often a bid for connection rather than a desire for immediate problem-solving. She wants to be heard and understood. Rather than viewing conflict as a problem to be solved, you can approach the situation with curiosity. Ask open-ended questions to better understand your partner’s perspective, feelings, concerns, and needs. This active listening approach can go a long way in resolving conflicts and strengthening your connection.

(Shortform note: Sometimes physical touch is enough to show your partner you’re listening. Researchers have found that showing physical affection during conflict can help couples manage disagreements more effectively because it reduces stress, increases empathy, and makes partners feel closer. In one study, couples who held hands during a tense discussion not only reported feeling less stress during the conversation but also engaged in more constructive conflict behaviors. However, for couples struggling with serious ongoing issues, physical touch can also be interpreted negatively, particularly if it’s seen as a tool of control or manipulation.)

How to Know When to Commit

According to the authors, most men and women want to be in a committed relationship. Research supports the benefits of commitment, with studies showing that men in committed relationships are happier, healthier, earn more money, and live longer. But how do you know when a woman is the one you want to settle down with?

(Shortform note: While studies suggest that married men are happier and live longer, the same can't be said of women. According to Paul Dolan, a professor of behavioral science at the London School of Economics, women who are unmarried and childless are the happiest subgroup in the population. Dolan explains that this subset of women often enjoy increased autonomy, facing less pressure to conform to the traditional and often stressful roles of wife and mother. Without the added responsibilities of marriage and children, they are also freer to nurture their social connections, careers, and personal interests. As a result, these women often experience lower levels of stress and greater overall life satisfaction.)

The authors explain that men typically go through three stages in a relationship before knowing they want to commit. The first stage, limerence, is characterized by intense infatuation. The authors caution against making rash commitment decisions during this phase as the lust you feel isn’t necessarily indicative of lasting love. The second stage, often lasting the first couple of years of a relationship, is when conflicts arise and trust is built (or broken). In the third stage, commitment is solidified, with both partners willing to practice monogamy and mutual sacrifice. This stage is about continuing to deepen the relationship and grow together.

(Shortform note: The authors detail the conventional trajectory of relationships, from the initial attraction to committed monogamy. However, the relational landscape is expanding as increasing numbers of people explore less traditional partnerships, such as polyamory and open relationships. In the “bible of non-monogamy,” The Ethical Slut (1997), Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy advocate for these alternative relationship models, highlighting the importance of open communication and honesty over exclusivity in a partnership. Easton and Hardy discuss the common issues of jealousy and a sense of ownership found in both monogamous and non-monogamous dynamics and provide practical guidelines for engaging in what they call ethical non-monogamy.)

The authors propose key questions to help you determine if you’re ready to commit to one woman: 1) Do you feel comfortable and relaxed around her?; 2) Does she make you feel confident, attractive, and loved?; and 3) Do you like who you are around her? The authors emphasize that shared interests are less important than what it feels like to be together, but similar ways of expressing and receiving emotion, particularly affection, can be helpful.

(Shortform note: ​​In The Defining Decade, Meg Jay recommends considering not only how a potential partner makes you feel but also how you feel around their family. Jay argues that the decision to commit to a partner shouldn’t be based exclusively on their family, but if there's a lack of comfort with your prospective in-laws, it’s important to examine your choice closely. Discomfort with a partner's family may reflect more profound value differences that have the potential to affect long-term contentment and compatibility in the relationship.)

How to Navigate Becoming Parents

Before entering a committed relationship, the authors suggest talking about whether you want kids. They caution that divergent views on children are often a deal breaker. And, even if you both decide you want children, the dramatic addition of a baby will still test the relationship.

(Shortform note: Several studies have indicated that marriage satisfaction often declines with the birth of a child due to increased stress and shifting dynamics within the partnership. Part of this challenge stems from the traditional and unequal distribution of labor at home. Women tend to take on more of the child-rearing duties and housework, even when they are working full-time jobs, leading to stress and potential resentment. This imbalance affects not only the relationship's dynamic but also has practical implications for women’s careers and personal development.)

The authors explain that if you do decide to have a baby, men play a crucial role in supporting their partners during the transition to motherhood. During pregnancy, childbirth, and the early stages of infancy, your partner needs your support more than ever. The physical and emotional changes a woman undergoes during these phases are intense, and the presence of a supportive partner can greatly alleviate stress and anxiety. Your partner will need reassurance, comfort, and practical support.

(Shortform note: In addition, couples shouldn’t neglect their relationship amidst the life-changing event of welcoming a new child. In And Baby Makes Three, the Gottmans stress the importance of continuing to invest in your romantic relationship, which can easily become sidelined with the arrival of a baby. The authors suggest expressing appreciation daily and carving out quality time, however short, to maintain an emotional connection. Lastly, they encourage couples to develop a strong support network that can provide critical relief, allowing couples to occasionally step back from parental duties to focus on each other and preserve the intimacy of their partnership.)

The type of support you offer will be different at every stage, say the authors. During pregnancy, you can attend prenatal classes and doctor’s appointments. Help set up the nursery and make decisions about baby items. During this time, you can take on more household chores and responsibilities, such as cooking meals or doing laundry. After the baby arrives, there will be even more laundry to do. In addition, you can change diapers and take on some of the feedings, if you and your partner decide to introduce bottles.

Postpartum Depression: When Practical Support Isn’t Enough

While providing practical support is crucial in the postpartum period, it often isn’t enough to combat postpartum depression (PPD), a serious mental health condition and a debilitating mood disorder that sometimes affects new mothers. PPD is characterized by severe emotional distress and a diminished capacity for coping with the demands of motherhood and daily life after giving birth.

Practical tasks like childcare and household chores, while helpful, don't address the underlying emotional and psychological struggles of PPD. Symptoms of PPD include persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, or emptiness, and can manifest in physical symptoms and intense mood swings, and, in severe cases, thoughts of wanting to harm the baby or oneself.

According to the US Office on Women’s Health, it’s essential for partners to encourage open dialogue about mental well-being and to support the affected parent in seeking professional help. This may involve facilitating appointments with health care providers, exploring therapy options, or joining support groups. PPD is treatable with the right support and resources, and early intervention is key in supporting new mothers struggling with PPD.

By showing up and being supportive, say the authors, you deepen the bond with your partner and also begin to establish your own relationship with your child. Fathers play an important role in children’s lives. While it’s common to feel jealous of the attention and time given to a new baby, focus on building your own relationship with your child.

(Shortform note: According to The Fatherhood Project, a nonprofit initiative dedicated to enhancing the health and well-being of children and families, actively involved fathers play a pivotal role in their children's development. Children with involved fathers exhibit higher levels of cognitive competence, educational achievement, and career success. These children are also less prone to behavioral problems and criminal activity.)

The authors write that engaging in play is a key aspect of this bonding process. Not only does it provide an opportunity for physical stimulation, but it also fosters an environment for the child to explore. This active engagement can significantly contribute to the child's developmental progress and helps build empathy.

How to Play With Kids at Every Age

Engaging with children through play at every age is crucial for their development. It promotes learning, strengthens bonds, and helps children discover the world around them. Adjusting activities to match each developmental stage ensures that play remains both fun and beneficial.

For newborns (0 to 3 months), sensory exploration like listening to music and looking at high-contrast objects helps stimulate their developing senses. As your baby gets older(3-6 months), try introducing rattles, playing peek-a-boo, and making funny faces to encourage tactile and visual exploration. Older infants (6-12 months) enjoy object exploration and simple games, with toys of different textures and sounds being particularly engaging.

For toddlers (1 to 3 years), physical and pretend play is key; building blocks and dressing up are great activities. With preschoolers (3-5 years), dive into imaginative play, cooperative games, arts, and crafts, which foster creativity and social skills. School-age children (5-12 years) progress to more complex games, puzzles, and team sports, which help in cognitive and physical development.

Teenagers (13 years and up) prefer social interactions (often with their peers), competitive games, and pursuing personal interests like art or music. Cater to your teenagers’ need for independence and self-exploration.

How to Build a Relationship That Lasts

According to the authors, everyone wants to build the kind of relationship that lasts a lifetime. They argue that to build a mutually fulfilling and resilient relationship, you need to continue to work on and invest in your relationship. They offer the following strategies as tools for anyone who wants to strengthen and deepen their relationship.

(Shortform note: Inherent in the authors’ discussion of how to make romantic relationships last is the assumption that people want to stay in long-term relationships. However, according to some experts, not all long-term relationships are healthy, and many people find themselves stuck in emotionally or physically abusive relationships. In Why Does He Do That?, Lundy Bancroft defines abuse as controlling, angry, and violent behavior committed by someone against their partner. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence offers a comprehensive list of resources.)

Keep Dating

The authors recommend that you never stop dating your partner, even after years of being together. They suggest having at least one designated date night per week. This practice not only breaks the monotony of your daily routine but also ensures you prioritize spending time with and continuing to get to know your partner.

(Shortform note: A 2012 survey by the National Marriage Project revealed that couples who prioritized a weekly date night were about 3.5 times more likely to describe themselves as feeling “very happy” than couples who had less-than-weekly date nights. Studies suggest that date nights strengthen relationships by improving communication, introducing novelty, lowering stress, and increasing feelings of romantic attraction and commitment.)

As a practical tip, the authors are strong proponents of the six-second kiss, suggesting that you should kiss your partner for at least six seconds every time you separate or reconnect as a simple yet powerful way to maintain intimacy.

Does The Six-Second Kiss Really Work?

While no isolated study specifically validates the power of the six-second kiss, John Gottman’s research underlines the significance of positive interactions, showing that a ratio of more positive moments to negative ones predicts marital satisfaction. A six-second kiss is an example of a meaningful positive interaction that contributes to a healthy relationship dynamic.

Also, physical affection, including kissing, triggers the release of oxytocin, known as the "love hormone," fostering bonding and closeness. This physiological response supports the idea that practices like the six-second kiss increase emotional intimacy.

Moreover, Gottman’s research highlights the importance of "rituals of connection"—intentional acts that maintain the relationship’s bond. The six-second kiss serves as a simple, effective ritual, providing a deliberate moment of connection amidst life's busyness.

Stay Curious

The authors also emphasize the importance of staying curious about your partner. They argue that complacency and taking your partner for granted are significant pitfalls in a long-term relationship. Instead, they encourage you to continually strive to understand your partner's evolving thoughts, feelings, dreams, and perspectives. By staying curious, you demonstrate to your partner that you value her as an individual and are genuinely interested in her personal growth and experiences. This sustained curiosity can lead to a richer, more fulfilling relationship where both partners feel acknowledged and valued.

(Shortform note: One of the best ways to practice curiosity is through active listening. In Co-Active Coaching, the authors outline three levels of listening, the last of which is the most effective in building intimacy. Level 1, internal listening, is when the listener is focused on their own thoughts and feelings instead of being fully present or engaged with the speaker. Level 2, focused listening, is when the listener is fully present and engaged with the speaker, paying attention to both verbal and nonverbal cues. Level 3, the most effective level of listening, is global listening. At this level, the listener isn’t only listening to the words being spoken but also to the emotions, values, and intentions behind those words.)

Invest in Her Dreams

According to the authors, a long-lasting relationship depends on both partners’ willingness to support and encourage their partner's ambitions and aspirations. You can always offer words of encouragement and affirmation. There will also be times when you may need to take on more responsibility in your home life to allow your partner time to build a business plan, take an important meeting, or explore a new passion. And always take advantage of opportunities to celebrate your partner’s achievements, with a home-cooked meal, flowers, or a small celebration with family and friends.

This kind of emotional and practical investment demonstrates that you value and respect your partner's individuality and personal growth. It also fosters a supportive and encouraging environment in the relationship, making your partner feel understood, appreciated, and loved.

(Shortform note: While the authors emphasize the importance of supporting your partner, Rollo Tomassi, author of The Rational Male, argues that your support of your partner should never come at the expense of your own aspirations. Rollo advocates for men to cultivate their own “mental point of origin,” which involves prioritizing their own needs and aspirations. Tomassi asserts that one can be supportive of a partner while still maintaining a focus on personal goals and self-improvement. He stresses that a man's identity shouldn't be overly influenced or altered by his partner's expectations or societal pressures to conform to certain relationship roles.)

Ultimately, the authors emphasize that when it comes to a relationship, all you can do is love, seek to understand, and continuously learn about your partner. This process will strengthen your connection with your partner, and as an added bonus, often leads to self-discovery and personal growth as well.

(Shortform note: In his seminal work I and Thou, philosopher Martin Buber contends that human existence is fundamentally relational, and it’s through relationships based on mutual openness, presence, and authenticity that we access deeper levels of being. Buber would argue that it’s through these “I-Thou” relationships that we transcend our isolated self, encountering not only the true essence of the other person but also discovering the unknown facets of our own selves, thereby fostering profound personal transformation and growth.)