PDF Summary:The Highly Sensitive Person, by Elaine Aron
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If you often find yourself needing to duck out of parties early, covering your ears at loud concerts, or crying at sentimental commercials on television, you might be a highly sensitive person. In The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine Aron explains the trait of high sensitivity through case studies, personal experiences, and years of research. Aron is a psychotherapist, an author of multiple books on high sensitivity, and a highly sensitive person herself.
In our guide, we’ll explore what high sensitivity is and where it comes from, as well as the strengths and challenges associated with it. We’ll also discuss how you can manage your sensitivity in your personal, social, and professional life and how to cope with any negative symptoms you may experience from it. We’ll also add advice from other experts on how to tap into your abilities as an HSP and manage its challenges, and we’ll contextualize Aron’s advice in the broader field of psychology and social science.
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(Shortform note: While an HSP’s body may require more care and attention, its ability to sense subtleties can help HSPs identify distress signals from the body that might go unnoticed in non-HSPs, and therefore may allow HSPs to become aware of growing health problems sooner.)
Also like an infant, your body needs some degree of stimulation—though how much stimulation you need varies greatly from person to person, says Aron. It’s vital that you strike a balance between the extremes of the overprotective “parent” who never lets you explore and experience things and the negligent parent who ignores or doesn’t notice your distress signals and fails to protect you from overstimulation.
(Shortform note: Striking the balance between overstimulation and understimulation can be particularly difficult for HSPs who also have ADHD—a common combination. ADHD decreases a person’s threshold for boredom, causing them to need more stimulation, but high sensitivity causes stimulation to affect them more, lowering their threshold for overstimulation. This results in a narrower range of ideal stimulation, meaning that HSPs with ADHD may need to take extra care to ensure they are meeting but not exceeding their stimulation needs on a regular basis.)
Also, remember that you’re always growing and changing. Something that may be overstimulating right now will become easier the more you try it—an adaptation known as habituation. The more you do something, the less likely it will become overarousing and the more likely you will grow, learn, and benefit from it.
(Shortform note: Habituation can make stimulation less intense the more we’re exposed to it, but habituating to one thing may sensitize us to another. When the COVID-19 pandemic led to a decrease in in-person socializing, some people became habituated to isolation and consequently more sensitized to social anxiety, which made it more difficult for them to socialize as they did before. Particularly if you’re an HSP, you may need to take slow steps to re-habituate yourself with in-person interactions so you don’t become overstimulated when socializing.)
Tend to Your Unique Needs
According to Aron, HSPs need more rest and relaxation than non-HSPs. They also become tired more easily because of the energy it takes to be so attuned to and to react to the world around them. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep each night and find time to rest in ways other than sleeping. Aron recommends that, even if you can’t sleep a full nine hours each night, you at least stay in bed for that full length of time so you can take a break from stimulation.
(Shortform note: While HSPs need more sleep than non-HSPs, they may also find it more difficult to sleep because of their high sensitivity. To ensure you get enough sleep each night, make sure you are reducing your stimulation in the evenings so you won’t go to bed feeling wired, and try to establish a nightly routine to keep your sleep on track.)
In addition to rest, make sure you have time set aside for relaxing and fun activities (whatever those look like for you). HSPs tend to have trouble relaxing unless all of their “work” or more difficult obligations are done for the day, so try to find a way to relax even if you haven’t completed all your obligations.
(Shortform note: Remember that you don’t have to “earn” rest and relaxation. Even if you feel like you haven’t done as much work as you’d like, make sure you’re allowing yourself to rest as much as you need and to engage in activities that replenish your energy. Also, consider what types of rest work best for you in different situations. If you’re physically worn out then you probably need some sleep, but if you’re feeling emotionally drained, for example, the best way to rest might be to express your emotions to a good listener.)
Avoid Harmful Labels
Finally, Aron writes that you should avoid taking on harmful stereotypes and labels like “shy.” Many HSPs are labeled “shy” because they tend to avoid high-stimulation situations, which can include many social situations. However, “shy” and similar labels have a negative connotation that can be damaging to your self-esteem, and they’re also not accurate for all HSPs. Aron says they can also be self-fulfilling, so if you think of yourself as a “shy” person, you’re more likely to develop traits like social avoidance.
(Shortform note: Feelings of shyness and social avoidance are sometimes the result of fear that has built up as a response to rejection, a trait known as rejection sensitivity. An HSP’s high sensitivity often includes sensitivity to rejection, making them more likely to have strong reactions to negative social interactions and, consequently, to avoid social interactions more.)
It’s also a myth that highly sensitive people are more likely to be depressed or anxious or have other mental health conditions. HSPs with troubled childhoods are at higher risk for depression and anxiety, but those with positive childhoods are no more at risk than non-HSPs. People also often confuse high sensitivity with anxiety or neuroticism. HSPs might also have these symptoms, but they’re not part of the HSP trait.
(Shortform note: While being an HSP doesn’t automatically mean you’re more likely to develop a mental illness, having a mental illness can sometimes cause increased sensitivity. A non-HSP who is depressed, for example, may find themselves experiencing sensory overload more frequently or needing more alone time than they do when they’re not depressed.)
Social and Professional Life
Socializing as HSPs can be exhausting, especially since high sensitivity isn’t well understood by the general population. An HSP’s reaction to overarousal (freezing up or shutting down) can look like unsociability and may make others believe HSPs don’t like them or don’t enjoy being around them. To maintain a healthy social and professional life, Aron recommends forming bonds with other HSPs, explaining your trait to non-HSPs, finding a job that calls to you personally, and creating a persona you can use in social situations.
(Shortform note: In addition to socializing with friends, flirting can be a tricky territory for HSPs. HSPs tend not to flirt in the same ways as non-HSPs, which can make others believe they’re not interested in them. If you’re struggling with how to flirt with others, consider whether the type of flirting you’re doing is what best communicates your feelings to the other person. Experts suggest that flirting physically may not be as appealing to HSPs as trying to establish a genuine emotional connection with the other person.)
It’s important to seek out other HSPs in your life. Other HSPs are likely to be understanding of your unique needs and tendencies as an HSP, and having others to talk to about your trait can provide needed support. While they’re still a minority, the odds are that about one in five people you meet is an HSP, so be on the lookout for potential friends who share your trait.
(Shortform note: Ironically, because of their sensitive natures, HSPs can attract the type of person who won’t or can’t provide the support they need, such as narcissists. HSPs should be selective about whom they choose to spend time with, seek people with similar interests who can reciprocate their needs, and let go of harmful friendships.)
To succeed professionally, Aron recommends finding a job that calls to you and suits your HSP traits and needs. Your contribution to the world is valuable, and as an HSP you play an important role in balancing out the tendencies of non-HSPs in the workplace. Your deep processing, attention to detail, and care for others make you an excellent employee. HSPs are particularly well-suited for professions like education, medicine, religion, and the arts.
(Shortform note: Even in a suitable role, HSPs’ tendency to become overwhelmed can put them at higher risk for burnout. To avoid burnout, HSPs should set and maintain boundaries, be aware of and avoid things that will trigger overwhelm, and avoid holding themselves to unrealistic expectations of perfection.)
Find Your Persona
Aron also suggests that you create a persona that helps you interact with others, particularly if you’re an introvert (she says about 70% of HSPs are introverted). A persona is a social role that comes with certain guidelines and expectations for behavior, like a template for how to navigate a social situation. Your persona should fit you and your circumstances. If you’re a doctor, for example, your persona should probably be calm and logical. If you’re a musician, your persona may be more free and spontaneous.
(Shortform note: Aron’s advice on personas may be better characterized as helpful advice for people who are socially inept rather than introverted. Socially inept people tend to struggle to understand social cues and expectations, and they may come off to others as antisocial or rude. Adopting a persona as Aron advises can give socially inept people a clear set of guidelines to follow during interactions, reducing discomfort and increasing confidence and enjoyment of socializing.)
Aron acknowledges that this advice may seem like she’s telling you to be “fake” or to lie, but really it’s just an explanation of how open you should be in a given context. Some degree of lying or omission is an expected part of social interaction, usually in the interest of not seeming rude or avoiding hurting someone’s feelings. For example, say you’re invited to attend a work event that you don’t want to go to. While it may be the most accurate answer, “I don’t want to” isn’t a socially acceptable answer. In that situation, most of us tell a half-truth or lie to avoid the appearance of rudeness.
(Shortform note: Lying is actually a very common part of many social interactions. Research suggests that people will lie in about 20% of their interactions that last at least 10 minutes. Lies tend to be more socially acceptable when they’re done for the sake of others rather than out of self-interest, so a lie made to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings—like saying you’re too busy to spend time with them—wouldn’t be considered as egregious as a lie that’s solely for your own benefit.)
In fact, Aron argues that the rules that we should never lie, should always be “authentic,” and that we’re not being judged aren’t accurate, and we’re frequently—but unspokenly—expected to bend or break them. HSPs know that people are watching and judging, and they’re more acutely aware of it than non-HSPs. Your persona will help you navigate these unspoken social expectations and feel less affected by others’ judgments.
(Shortform note: Humans’ tendency to judge others likely developed as an evolutionary trait to help us identify enemies and friends. From a psychological standpoint, Carl Jung theorized that the things we judge others for are things we don’t like about ourselves, a phenomenon he called “projection.” If you’re an HSP who fears socializing because you don’t want to be judged by others, you may take comfort in the knowledge that their judgment is actually not about you but about themselves.)
Ways to Deal With High Sensitivity
While high sensitivity isn’t a mental illness, we’ve seen how it can make life challenging, especially if you had a difficult childhood or are still struggling to adapt personally, socially, or professionally. Aron discusses some avenues for managing the aspects of your trait that you may be having difficulty with. These include reframing your experiences with an understanding of your trait, seeking help through various types of therapy, and medication.
(Shortform note: Sometimes high sensitivity is misdiagnosed as other mental health conditions, such as ADHD, borderline personality disorder, or bipolar disorder. This can lead the HSP to be put on treatment regimens that are unhelpful or even harmful to them. If you’ve had a diagnosis of a mental illness but suspect you may be an HSP, consult with your doctor before beginning treatment and, if necessary, educate them about high sensitivity so they can better understand your situation.)
Reframe Past Experiences in the Context of High Sensitivity
Many HSPs find they can benefit from mentally reframing their experiences with their new understanding of their trait. If you grew up not knowing you were an HSP, you may have experienced failures that didn’t make sense to you and that made you feel less-than or broken. Reframing your perspective on these experiences can help you better understand yourself and your trait, deal with future challenges, and rebuild your self-esteem.
(Shortform note: Reframing can also help you identify skills you can cultivate to make your future experiences better. In reflecting on your past, you may notice that you encountered emotions you weren’t equipped to handle, such as anger, shame, or fear. Then you can work on building the skills needed to handle these emotions productively, which will help you in the future.)
Reframing is a conscious effort. To reframe, Aron says you first need to reflect on a past experience and how you reacted to it. Consider how your reaction differed from the way you’ve seen others react to the same situation, and remember how you felt about your reaction—perhaps you felt that it was the wrong reaction or it made you feel inferior.
Next, reconsider that reaction based on what you now know about yourself. Was your reaction the result of your HSP traits? If you felt you responded too slowly to a frightening situation, for example, it was likely because you needed longer to process what was happening. Or if you felt you overreacted emotionally, remember that your trait heightens your emotions and your attunement to others’ emotions.
Finally, apply this new understanding to your present and future experiences. How can you reframe a current, negative experience so you feel better about yourself and can make a better choice in the future? Aron recommends talking to someone else about this new framing or recording it in writing.
Why Reframing Is Hard, and How to Make It Easier
Reframing can be a difficult task for several reasons. Culturally, many of us are taught to avoid or hide our emotions, and we’re rarely taught productive ways of identifying and processing difficult feelings. Particularly for HSPs, who are often told growing up that they’re too sensitive or emotional, dredging up past experiences that evoked negative emotions can be not only daunting but deeply painful. Additionally, HSPs’ tendency to take on others’ emotions makes their experiences even more emotionally charged than the average person’s.
However, doing the hard work of reframing is an important aspect of self-compassion. You can make the process easier by approaching it as nonjudgmental self-care and remembering that others have probably had the same or similar experiences that you’ve had. Also, don’t rush it. Grant yourself the time to process the emotions instead of diving straight in toward releasing them.
And when it’s time to apply your learning to the present and future, think about these periods with a sense of hope rather than dread or foreboding. Also, identify or build a support system of others who care about you and your well-being and, whenever possible, use humor to add positivity to what you’re experiencing. Finally, you can help yourself make better future choices by building skills like resilience and flexibility, which can help you bounce back from and adapt to unexpected changes.
Engage in Different Types of Therapy
Reframing can be done entirely on your own, but some HSPs also do well with therapy. Aron describes four types that have been shown to help: cognitive behavioral therapy, interpersonal therapy, physical therapy, and spiritual therapy.
Cognitive behavioral therapy focuses on changing the way you think and behave. It may involve getting better at certain tasks like socializing, or it may be focused on helping you learn to relax or get rid of irrational thoughts. These techniques can be done on your own, but it’s usually helpful to have a coach. A disadvantage of this technique is that it focuses on surface-level symptoms and sometimes treats sensitivity like an overreaction.
(Shortform note: Another downside of cognitive behavioral therapy is that it focuses on changing a patient’s behavior, but many HSPs need help not with their behavior but with their emotional reactions to stimuli such as other people’s behavior. Some HSPs may prefer compassion-focused therapy, an offshoot of cognitive behavioral therapy that helps people soothe their nervous systems in response to overarousing stimuli.)
Interpersonal therapy is based on talking and building a relationship with your therapist or group. It draws from different schools of psychology and focuses on inner work, such as working through feelings of trauma or experimenting with ideas about the future. Aron particularly recommends Jungian analysis because of its focus on the unconscious mind and its incorporation of spirituality. A disadvantage of this approach is that it might be overly appealing to HSPs because they are so good at introspection, and it may be difficult to leave this type of therapy—which can be very expensive.
(Shortform note: The efficacy of interpersonal therapy depends somewhat on the therapist you get. Some therapists approach their practice from an educational perspective and actively help their clients build skills that improve their lives. Other therapists often act as passive listeners who give their clients the opportunity to discuss their feelings but provide little feedback, which may be less effective. Others may be so devoted to a specific methodology that they can cause active harm to their clients. In choosing your therapist, look for one that places your needs first, believes your lived experiences, and responds with openness and understanding if you disagree with them on something.)
Physical therapy refers to any healing technique applied to the body. This can include exercise, diet, sleep, medications, sports, and massage. Aron points out that everything that happens to the body affects the mind, so physical therapy is a great way to help relax or heal the mind. With physical healing, it is particularly important to keep in mind that your body is more sensitive than the average body, and physical approaches can come with a lot of strong stimuli. If you’re already feeling overstimulated, for example, the intensity of a massage might make you feel worse than you did before. Be sure to discuss your sensitivity with anyone who is providing you with physical treatment.
(Shortform note: In The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk echoes Aron’s point that anything done to the body affects the mind, and he adds that people who’ve experienced trauma often feel disconnected from their bodies and struggle to be aware of their physical sensations. If you’re an HSP who’s working through trauma, consider that you may be both more sensitive to yet less aware of your physical sensations, and take care when approaching any type of physical healing.)
The final type of healing Aron describes is spiritual healing. This includes things like religion, meditation, or connection with a higher power or self. Aron finds that HSPs respond particularly well to spiritual healing because they tend to look inward and desire to overcome overarousal through reframing, which many spiritual techniques offer.
(Shortform note: Research suggests that spirituality of any kind can be beneficial to our mental health. This means there’s no one “right” religion or type of faith that you need to find. Instead, you should practice whatever type of spirituality works best for you personally.)
Aron discusses a few disadvantages of spiritual healing: We might pursue it at the expense of other methods of healing, which can make us miss out on important information we could learn about our bodies and minds. We might also over-idealize spiritual leaders in our lives, which can lead us to become overly dependent on them, or worse—be taken advantage of. Finally, the principle of self-sacrifice underlying many religious and spiritual approaches can be harmful to HSPs who have low self-esteem.
(Shortform note: Another potential drawback of spiritual therapy is that some of it focuses on getting rid of unwanted emotions rather than processing them in a healthy way. This can cause a cycle in which repressing emotions makes you seek more spiritual healing, which causes you to repress even more. This can also be exacerbated by spiritual leaders who purposefully lead people into this cycle in order to make money. Be wary of spiritual leaders who are selling something or suggest that you can completely rid yourself of negative feelings.)
Consider Medication to Manage Your Sensitivity
Aron also says that some people might seek medication to change the way their sensitivity affects them. High sensitivity isn’t an illness, but the difficulty of living in a society not built for the sensitive can cause illness or distressing symptoms. She says medication can be a useful avenue for dealing with these symptoms but that it’s important to be informed about what you’re doing.
Some medications can be taken as needed to manage short-term overarousal. These are fast-acting anti-anxiety drugs, but they can make you sedated, and they’re addictive if taken for long periods. This includes medications like Valium and Xanax.
Other medications might be prescribed to manage long-term symptoms of sensitivity. These include antidepressants, such as Prozac and Zoloft, which take a few weeks to begin working and may be habit-forming—though they tend to be less addictive than the fast-acting anti-anxiety medications. These medications can help manage the effects of chronic overarousal, which tend to lead to depression.
Aron recommends learning as much as you can about these drugs and understanding what symptoms you want to treat before seeking medication, and she suggests finding a doctor who understands your trait and how these medications tend to affect sensitive people. She adds that there are natural ways to change your body’s chemistry such as herbal remedies, exercise, listening to music, and touch, among many others. Doctors aren’t likely to prescribe these methods, but they can be as or more effective than pharmaceuticals in managing symptoms of stress.
Other Considerations and Alternatives to Medications
There are many factors to consider when deciding whether or not to take medication as an HSP. Because they’re more sensitive to medications, HSPs may need very low doses compared to non-HSPs. They may also feel pressured in medical settings to accept whatever treatment regimen their provider offers without thinking about it, so if you’re discussing medication with your doctor, let them know beforehand that you’ll need extra time to process all your information and options. Let’s look at some alternatives to the traditional medications Aron mentions.
Some HSPs might self-medicate using cannabis or psychedelic drugs. Because these substances can amplify sensitivity, HSPs should be especially cautious about them and always begin with very small doses. Make sure you’re using them in a safe environment, and if you’re taking any medications, check with your doctor to make sure these substances won’t interact with them.
Other HSPs have found that the best way to handle their anxiety or other negative feelings is by helping others, provided that it doesn’t interfere with their own self-care. Or they may respond better to eastern medicine that focuses more on naturally controlling the body’s energy to relieve symptoms and improve well-being.
On her blog, Aron says HSPs can be at risk for overmedication because their high sensitivity can lead them to report more ailments and more severe symptoms to doctors, which they then prescribe more medication to treat.
She also discusses pain medication for HSPs. Since they’re more susceptible to pain, HSPs are more likely to be prescribed pain medication in higher doses, and again, because of their sensitivity, that medication is likely to affect them more than it would the average person.
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