PDF Summary:The Good Life, by Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz

What’s the secret to having a good life?

Many of us believe that our happiness depends on how successful we are in our careers. But in The Good Life (2023), psychiatrist Robert Waldinger and psychologist Marc Schulz argue that the key to a good life is to cultivate good relationships. They base this conclusion on what they’ve learned from hundreds of people while directing the world’s longest-running longitudinal research study on how adults develop.

In this guide, we’ll define what a good life is and how to evaluate the current quality of your relationships. We’ll also share Waldinger and Schulz’s tips on how to improve your relationships with your spouse, family, coworkers, and friends. Along the way, we’ll share what other authors and psychologists have to say about Waldinger and Schulz’s findings.

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How to Improve Your Relationships in General

Now that we’ve shared Waldinger and Schulz’s tips for understanding the current health of your relationships, we’ll discuss their tips for improvement. In this section, we’ll share two things you can do to improve any relationship: Pay better attention and replace bad habits.

Pay Better Attention

Waldinger and Schulz assert that paying better attention to your relationships can help you improve them. In the modern world, our brains have grown accustomed to constant distraction from our devices. As a result, we struggle to maintain our focus on a single thing—including whoever we’re spending time with. This lack of engagement hampers our ability to connect with others.

So how can you pay better attention to the people you’re with? Waldinger and Schulz recommend that you improve your ability to be present in general (and therefore, present with others) by practicing mindfulness. To do so, make it a point in your daily life to spend some time noticing things that haven’t captured your attention before in places you frequent—perhaps the breeze in your office.

Waldinger and Schulz add that you can apply this practice in your relationships: When speaking with someone, ask yourself what you might not be noticing and use that gap to guide your conversation. For example, if a friend is unusually upset about your tardiness, probe a bit deeper—perhaps your chronic lateness is getting on their nerves, or they’re upset because they fought with their mother. Studies indicate that the act of intentionally trying to empathize and connect with others can improve your relationship.

How Mindfulness Improves Focus and Relationships

In Hyperfocus, Chris Bailey elaborates on how mindfulness improves your ability to focus. Whenever you do a task (like holding a conversation), it occupies part of your working memory, which holds information your mind is actively processing. You have a limited working memory capacity, so if you try to focus on too many things at once, you’ll exceed it and lose focus. But practicing mindfulness increases your working memory capacity. This allows you to focus on more complex tasks (like a conversation). Plus, researchers have found that the greater your working memory capacity, the less prone you are to distraction.

In Where You Go, There You Are, Jon Kabat-Zinn provides further tips on how to practice mindfulness and so improve how present you are in your daily life. Kabat-Zinn recommends that when you practice noticing your environment, you use your breath as your focal point. Pay attention to what it feels like to have your breath move in and out of your body.

Similarly, other experts suggest adding a moment of mindfulness when you’re practicing active listening. This technique involves repeating what the other person said to ensure that you've understood it correctly before you respond to their comments—but instead of jumping straight to the repeating portion, take a moment to be mindful and consider the emotions that may be driving the other person's comments before you respond.

Additionally, Waldinger and Schulz suggest that you minimize the potential damage of your screen use. When using social media, prioritize communicating over browsing; the latter can make you feel worse about your own life because you’re comparing your reality to the highlights that others post online. If you notice that your screen time negatively affects your mood, decrease the time you spend on your devices. Ask the people closest to you whether your screen time bothers them; if so, reevaluate it. Finally, create pockets of time when you don’t check your devices at all so you can focus fully on those who matter most and also evaluate how you feel when you take a break from screens.

Why Screens Are So Addicting—And How to Stop Using Them

One of the biggest contributors to screen time is social media use. In Dopamine Detox, Thibaut Meurisse explains why we spend so much time on social media even when it makes us feel worse about ourselves. As you scroll through social media, the anticipation of receiving likes and other forms of social validation activates the reward centers in your brain, releasing dopamine—the neurotransmitter released in anticipation of pleasurable activity. When you receive positive feedback, your brain associates the experience with pleasure and reinforces your desire to seek out more of it. This creates a cycle of reward-seeking behavior that can become addictive and prevent you from focusing on more important tasks or people.

To break this addictive cycle and access screens in a way that you feel good about, Meurisse recommends that you engage in a so-called dopamine detox. Try a total detox, during which you eliminate all dopamine-inducing behaviors—such as accessing the internet or eating sugar—for 24 to 48 hours and fill your time with low-stimulation activities such as journaling. Alternatively, try a limited detox, which involves eliminating your most significant source of dopamine for an extended period of time. Meurisse recommends that you decide what to cut out; however, you could choose to cut out whatever bothers your family or friends the most.

Replace Bad Habits

Waldinger and Schulz say that you can also improve your relationships by replacing bad relationship habits. They explain that most of us have bad relationship habits; namely, we default to a particular pattern of behavior, or “coping style,” whenever we feel strain. Unfortunately, these defaults can harm us and our relationships; for example, the authors’ research suggests that if you tend to distance yourself from your problems, you won’t be as happy as someone who confronts their problems.

The default pattern, or habit, that you fall into may seem immutable and out of your control. But Waldinger and Schulz explain that in reality, how you handle a particular situation involves a clear process over which you have some control. Whenever you face an external stressor, you feel some way about it and so you respond with a reaction. For example, if your partner is late for your date (stressor), you may feel neglected and react coldly when they finally arrive. This process occurs so quickly that it feels automatic—but if you can interrupt it and choose to behave in a way that strays from your default, you might be able to improve your relationships.

(Shortform note: In The Obstacle Is the Way, Ryan Holiday suggests that understanding the process by which you judge events can improve other aspects of your life, not just your relationships. Unlike Waldinger and Schulz, who focus on how you react to stressors, Holiday suggests that all events are neutral but spark feelings in us that evoke a reaction. According to Holiday, this perspective can help you see the silver lining in anything. For example, if a grandparent dies, you can choose to be sad, but you can also choose to be grateful for the lessons they taught you. Additionally, it helps you see opportunities in problems—which, other experts suggest, could reduce your tendency to avoid problems and thus increase your happiness.)

Follow the W.I.S.E.R. Model

To interrupt this process of quickly reacting to stressors, Waldinger and Schulz recommend that you use the five-step W.I.S.E.R. model. Whenever you start to feel touchy, watch every aspect of the scenario. Ask yourself what you can see about what’s happening and what you think will happen. By doing so, you force yourself to actually see the situation as it is and buy yourself the time necessary to observe potentially relevant details instead of jumping to conclusions.

Next, interpret the scenario: Ask yourself what story you believe about the scenario and why that story is making you feel a certain way. Then, consider whether that story might be untrue. In the case of your partner who’s late, you might believe that they’re late because they don’t care about you—but it’s possible that they were held up at work and couldn’t get out in time.

The next steps of the W.I.S.E.R. model are to select what you want to do based on the desired result of this interaction, and then engage in that behavior. This requires you to recognize that you can choose to behave in a manner that’s different from what you’ve done in the past. For example, if you normally snap at your partner when they’re late, you might choose to instead calmly ask why they’re late because you’re trying to be more compassionate in your interactions.

Finally, reflect on what you’ve done. Waldinger and Schulz acknowledge that you don’t have to reflect on every interaction. However, they recommend occasionally reviewing the results of engaging in this model to determine how you can improve upon what you’re currently doing. For example, if you find that compassionately asking your partner why they’re late doesn’t improve their chronic lateness, you may wish to select a different tactic.

(Shortform note: The Oz Principle authors warn that some people have a victim mentality that prevents them from taking the steps necessary to grow. If you have one, you may struggle to review the results of engaging in the W.I.S.E.R. model because you think it’s the other person’s responsibility to change. To assess whether you have a victim mentality, ask yourself if you're open to other perspectives, able to admit when you've messed up, and comfortable with sometimes being wrong.)

Other Ways to Deal With Difficult Situations

Other experts have proposed similar processes to help you deal with specific types of difficult situations. In Dare to Lead, Brené Brown advocates following a similar process when you face a failure or setback. First, acknowledge that your emotions were triggered in some way. This will force you to go from feeling to thinking and prevent you from leaping into action—just like the “watch” step does. Second, question the story you’ve automatically created—just as you do in the “interpret” step. Asking yourself what you know about the situation, what you’re assuming, and what feelings are driving the situation will help you separate the facts from assumptions and insecurities.

Third, instead of suggesting that you select and engage in a behavior that’s tailored to the results you desire, Brown recommends that you talk through your story aloud with the people involved. The phrase, “The story I'm telling myself…” is especially useful in these conversations—it lets you express your feelings and invite the other person to share their side of the story. Approaching the story this way either shows you the illogical leaps your story made or opens up an honest conversation about her thoughts.

How to Improve Specific Relationships

Now that we’ve discussed Waldinger and Schulz’s strategies for improving your relationships in general, we’ll discuss their strategies for improving specific types of relationships. In this section, we’ll discuss the unique characteristics and challenges of your relationships with your partner, your family, your colleagues, and your friends, and how to improve each type.

Your Relationship With Your Partner

Waldinger and Schulz assert that a positive and long-lasting relationship with a romantic partner can provide comfort to your life. Psychologists have found that adults who feel like they have a “secure base”—someone they can rely on for comfort and support no matter what—recover faster from stressful situations.

Not All Romantic Relationships Are Created Equal

Just because you have a romantic partner doesn’t mean that they’re your secure base. In Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller explain that people relate to intimacy in three ways: Secure attachers are comfortable with intimacy, avoidant attachers prefer to maintain some emotional distance from their partners, and anxious attachers desire a lot of intimacy and are highly attuned to any threats to that intimacy. Secure attachers tend to have healthy relationships—the kind that provides a protective effect from both physically and mentally challenging situations.

However, when anxious and avoidant attachers date each other, their clashing intimacy needs often lead to a relationship in which one partner is regularly stressed out and so feels insecure and unhappy.

Waldinger and Schulz name several techniques for improving your relationship with your partner. First, pay attention to and thank your partner for the little things they do. Doing so will improve your impression of them (because you’re paying attention to their positive qualities) and your partner’s mood (because they’ll be happy you noticed). Second, try new things together. You’ll see your partner in a new light, which will increase your admiration of them.

Other Ways to Improve Your Relationship

Researchers provide further tips on how to express gratitude and try new things with your partner to improve your relationship. When expressing gratitude, emphasize how your partner has added to your life. One study suggests that this improves how positively your partner feels about you and your relationship—however, acknowledging what your partner gave up for you doesn’t have the same effect. For example, your partner will feel more appreciated if you say, “Thanks for walking with me; I love your company,” rather than, “Thanks for walking with me even though you’d rather play video games.”

Additionally, when trying new things with your partner, try learning something together. Your relationship grows stronger when you support each other through the mutual vulnerability that stems from not knowing what you’re doing.

Third, practice sharing all parts of yourself with your partner—even those you’re afraid to. Waldinger and Schulz explain that in times of conflict, you may be tempted to hide your true feelings from your partner in an effort to protect yourself or to stop fighting. However, the authors assert that it’s better to lean into your vulnerability. When both partners share their true selves with each other, their connection deepens.

(Shortform note: In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman and Nan Silver suggest that if you struggle to share your true feelings with your partner when you’re fighting, you may be experiencing flooding. Flooding is a psychological phenomenon in which one partner feels so emotionally stressed that they’re unable to respond rationally to their spouse. If you’re feeling flooded—which can manifest as a desire to shut your partner out because you’re feeling overwhelmed—ask for a 20-minute break. Once you’ve calmed down, you’ll be more willing to be vulnerable and more able to have a productive discussion.)

Your Relationship With Your Family

Waldinger and Schulz assert that having a positive relationship with the family you grew up in heavily impacts your life. After all, you’ve known these people your whole life, so they provide a type of support that you cannot find anywhere else.

However, Waldinger and Schulz clarify that this doesn’t necessarily mean that you had a happy childhood. The authors acknowledge that our childhoods dramatically impact our ability to maintain healthy relationships—primarily because, as kids, we learn from our families how to handle our emotions. But, as the authors point out, we can also unlearn the negative patterns our families taught us and replace them with healthier patterns.

(Shortform note: To unlearn the negative patterns your family taught you, you first need to understand them. This is particularly important if you’re a parent. The authors of The Whole-Brain Child recommend that you reflect on the wounds that produced your parents’ behavior and how their behavior affected you. You’ll thus learn something from your childhood experience and be deliberate about your approach to parenting. If you don’t practice this self-reflection, you risk repeating the negative pattern with your own child.)

According to Waldinger and Schulz, a key step to unlearning these patterns is to be open to the possibility that people will surprise you. In both familial and non-familial relationships, doing this frees you up to perceive when people aren’t behaving as badly as you expect, which can help break down damaging assumptions you learned as a child. This openness is particularly helpful in familial relationships because it encourages us to notice and acknowledge when our family members have undergone personal growth—something most of us struggle to recognize in people we’ve known our whole lives.

For example, say your mother constantly criticized your dad when you were a kid. So as an adult, you develop a negative pattern of regularly criticizing the people you love. One day when you’re grown, you notice that your father bought the wrong brand of milk. But instead of loudly criticizing him, your mother simply puts the milk away. You only noticed this small change because you were open to the possibility that your parents could change. Not only do you reconsider your belief that your mother constantly criticizes her family, but you also reconsider how you behave when your husband messes up—and the next time he does, you remember your mom’s gesture and choose not to criticize him.

How Your Mindset Affects Your Relationships

In Mindset, Carol Dweck argues that people have one of two mindsets when viewing the world. If you have a fixed mindset, you believe that people’s abilities are innate and unchangeable. If you have a growth mindset, you believe that anybody can improve upon the abilities that they’re born with. So if you think your family is incapable of changing, you may have a fixed mindset.

This may be true even if you have a growth mindset regarding how people outside your family behave. Dweck explains that people fall into different mindsets in different areas, so you may only have a fixed mindset when dealing with your family. To change your mindset, Dweck recommends that you name your fixed-mindset persona. Then, have an imaginary conversation and argue against it when it pops up—such as by reminding your fixed-mindset persona that people can change when your family behaves differently than you expected.

Another key to improving your relationships, according to Waldinger and Schulz, is to have regularly set family time to ensure that you continue to connect with each other despite how busy life gets. If you’re all living in the same place, the authors recommend instituting regular family meals. If not, having a regular video meeting can help maintain some connection, too.

(Shortform note: Other experts have alternate suggestions for making the most of your family time. If you all live in the same place, prioritize the activities that both you and your family members value most. For example, your teenager may not care about family dinner but love when you play games together. If you don’t live in the same place, experiment with different video chat formats to make them age appropriate. For example, your toddler will likely stay on the call longer with her aunt if the aunt brings a puppet.)

Your Relationship With Your Coworkers

Waldinger and Schulz argue that having supportive relationships with your coworkers can make a big positive difference in your life. The authors note that most people divide their lives into work and non-work time. But in reality, your happiness at work has a big impact on the rest of your life.

Since people spend so much time at work, having social relationships with colleagues can prevent loneliness—which, as we saw previously, can damage our health. If a work occurrence negatively affects your mood, that bad mood often remains even when you return home—and so work events can damage your familial relationships.

(Shortform note: Working remotely may exacerbate the potential damage of work on our lives. Many remote workers struggle to set boundaries between their work and personal lives, which can negatively impact their relationships. For example, they may struggle to separate from work and so neglect time with their loved ones. And if you work remotely, you’re unlikely to have a social relationship with your colleagues that protects against loneliness. One survey found that 66% of remote workers in the US have no work friends.)

So Waldinger and Schulz suggest that you change your perspective on your work relationships. Instead of avoiding possible connections with your coworkers, think about how you could develop relationships with or deepen existing relationships with your colleagues. Then, put those ideas into practice. For example, if you love books and notice that a colleague you don’t know well is always reading, strike up a conversation about books with that person.

Waldinger and Schulz acknowledge that sometimes, this is easier said than done. You may struggle to befriend coworkers if you work remotely. Alternatively, you may be reluctant to befriend people at a different managerial level because you don’t want that hierarchy to potentially damage your personal relationship. However, the authors argue that developing relationships anyway will improve both your happiness and the quality of your work—especially in the latter case, because the only way to develop mentor/mentee relationships is to connect across the corporate hierarchy.

(Shortform note: Waldinger and Schulz focus on what individuals can do to improve their workplace relationships. But other experts argue that companies should take measures to facilitate friendships between their employees since these friendships improve both profits and retention. Try providing new employees with an “onboarding buddy”—a built-in mentor at the company who can help the new hire adjust appropriately. And if your team works remotely, have regular video calls. The more team members see each other, the greater their ability to build relationships.)

But what if it’s too late to develop relationships with your coworkers? If you’ve retired, Waldinger and Schulz propose that you seek out regular social connections and something that brings you fulfillment. The authors explain that many people find these connections and fulfillment at their jobs—so when they retire and lose both, they struggle to adjust. Having a replacement source of both will help you maintain your happiness. For example, getting a volunteer position that utilizes your professional skills could help you feel fulfilled and bring more people into your life.

(Shortform note: Maintaining social connections and a sense of fulfillment is also essential for your cognitive health. Research indicates that retirement often sparks a rapid cognitive decline: Given the lack of social engagement and increase in idle behavior, you don’t challenge your brain as often, and so you don’t maintain your cognitive health. In contrast, maintaining social connections after you retire exercises your brain and can add a sense of meaning to your life that helps you feel more fulfilled.)

Your Relationship With Your Friends

Waldinger and Schulz say that many of us don’t prioritize our friendships. They point out that while children value their friends, adults often neglect their friends in favor of more immediate concerns such as their family or their work. This is especially true if the relationship developed when both people were in the same phase of life but one has since moved on; for example, if one college friend is still struggling in her career while the other is financially successful.

(Shortform note: Sometimes, people neglect friends in different life stages not because they’re prioritizing other concerns but because they struggle to connect due to their now-different experiences. If so, experts suggest that you focus on the things you still share—like your love of politics—and remember that every life stage is temporary; no matter how different things seem now, they may not always be that way.)

However, Waldinger and Schulz argue that neglecting our friendships is a mistake, as they’re more important than most of us think. The authors point to several studies indicating that close friendships have a significant impact on both our physical and mental health. Notably, your friends improve how well you handle stressful events: Friends make difficult situations seem better than they are, and they reduce both how long and how strongly we feel these events’ effects.

(Shortform note: Friends may be particularly helpful in stressful situations if they’re going through the same event that you are. One study found that if one stressed-out friend conversed with another friend who was equally stressed out, both felt better.)

Waldinger and Schulz add that it’s not just our close friendships, or “strong ties,” that positively affect our lives. A growing body of research indicates that “weak ties”—infrequent and low-intensity relationships—also provide unexpected benefits. When you cultivate connections with people you don’t know well, such as the friend of your friend or the cashier at the corner store you frequent, you gain access to broader networks that you might not have access to otherwise. For example, studies show that the more weak ties you have, the better your chances of finding a good job.

(Shortform note: In Give and Take, Adam Grant suggests that different people reap different workplace benefits from their weak ties. Grant introduces a type of weak tie called a “dormant tie”—someone you used to see often but have lost touch with. If you’re a giver (who likes to give more than you get), you have a major advantage when reconnecting with this dormant tie: They’ll be happy to hear from you because you have a history of helping people. In contrast, if you’re a taker (who takes more than they give), this dormant tie may want to punish you. And if you’re a matcher (who gives on a quid pro quo basis), you may only have a transactional relationship with this person and so not be remembered fondly.)

Waldinger and Schulz suggest several strategies to help you improve your relationships. If you’d like to increase your weak ties, look at your existing social group. Who do you regularly interact with that you don’t know well? If you’d like to improve your close friendships, reconsider your patterns. Many of us fall into a rut in our friendships. Think about what you normally do or talk about with your current friends, and mix things up if need be. For example, if you always go to trivia night with your friends, maybe you want to go hiking instead.

Additionally, pay attention to whether you’re the one usually providing or receiving emotional support in the relationship. If there’s an imbalance, think of whether you can provide more (by listening more) or receive more (by asking for more support).

More Tips for Implementing Waldinger and Schulz’s Strategies

Other experts suggest more specific ways to improve your relationships. First, if you’re uncomfortable reaching out to a weak tie you don’t know well, Meg Jay recommends in The Defining Decade that you ask the weak tie for a small, interesting, specific, and easy-to-accomplish favor—for example, ask to borrow a book she loves. Most people like to help others, so she’ll likely oblige. Plus, once she does, her brain will tell her she likes you (because you made her feel helpful) and she’ll be more inclined to help you again. Second, if you’re in a rut with a friend but don’t know how to mix things up, create a bucket list—a list of experiences that you’d like to have—together.

Third, if you’re unsure whether your friendship is imbalanced, spend a moment reflecting after your next conversation. If you feel exhausted and drained, you may be providing too much emotional support; consider gently suggesting therapy to your friend if this is a regular occurrence. In contrast, if you realize that you’re talking too much, focus on asking more questions during your next conversation to give your friend a chance to speak.