PDF Summary:The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz

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The medicine man called himself the “Smoky Mirror” to convey the idea that he could see himself in everyone else, but people don’t recognize each other because of the smoke in between them.

All this can be a bit confusing, but the point is this: the Smoky Mirror symbolizes that we are not seeing who and what we really are. We’re not seeing others for who they really are. We’re not seeing that, deep down, we’re all the same.

By adopting the four agreements outlined in this book, we blow away the fog and begin to see ourselves – and others – clearly and with more understanding.

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In this process we become someone different from our natural selves. We lose our normal, innate tendencies in this process of domestication. This is why adults behave differently than kids – adults are more efficient and productive perhaps, but also less joyful, inquisitive, and free.

At a certain point we become our own domesticators. We don’t even need an authority to threaten or punish us. Our belief system – the Book of Law – rules our minds. The Book of Law consists of all the agreements we’ve accepted as truth.

Despite its limitations, the Book of Law makes us feel safe. It’s our understanding of how the world works, and it represents order in a world of chaos. We may not have chosen these agreements, but we agreed to them. And they don’t change easily – challenging our own beliefs takes courage.

Judge and Victim

The agreements we’ve accepted create an inner Judge and inner Victim.

• The inner Judge continuously criticizes ourselves – our actions and qualities – based on a belief system we never chose. The Judge is unrelenting and unfair – it continuously creates guilt for mistakes and keeps doling out punishments.
• The inner...

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• A young child is told he’s ugly. He listens and believes he is ugly. No amount of encouragement will make him believe otherwise. With this new agreement in place, it’s as though he’s under a spell.

As you can see from the examples above, when we hear an opinion and believe it, we form an agreement. The opinion gains power. The judgment becomes part of us. Black Magic has created a spell that’s hard to break.

And it’s not just a problem with using our words to hurt others, intentionally or unintentionally. We too often use the power of the word against ourselves. How often do you say these types of things to yourself?

• I look fat.
• I’m ugly.
• My hair is a disaster.
• I’m dumb.
• I can’t sing/do math/do anything.
• I have no sense of direction.

Little by little, these agreements weaken you, like a toxin.

The worst Black Magic of the word is gossip. Gossip is spreading around information about other people that may or may not be true. Gossip is pure poison, but ever so popular and even fun at times. After all, it makes us feel better to put someone else down and to see them in a worse predicament than us.

Gossip is like a computer virus. After the...

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• Others see the world with different eyes. They have their own worldviews. You can choose to reject their worldview, since you have your own.
• Everyone’s truth is their own.
• When you take things personally, you suffer for nothing – and there’s already too much suffering in the world.

Here’s an example: Someone calls you ugly. This isn’t about you at all. It’s about the opinions and beliefs they have incorporated. Calling you ugly comes from their own wounds. If they were feeling great about life, they’d probably be calling you beautiful. They certainly wouldn’t take pleasure in putting you down.

And whether the other person calls you beautiful or ugly, their input about you is unimportant. The only thing that matters is how you feel about yourself. Whether it’s good or bad, just don’t accept others’ judgment of you.

And it’s not just other people’s opinions and judgments that are harmful; you shouldn’t even take your own opinions about yourself personally!

It gets crowded in our minds, dealing with the opinions of others and with our judgments of ourselves. It’s a real problem when our internal dialogue gets too loud, crowded, and negative. Our...

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Assumptions are particularly dangerous in relationships. We have to be clear in communicating what we want because no one knows what we’re thinking.

• Example: You and your partner agree that you’re in a relationship. But if you two have different ideas about what it means to be in a relationship (monogamy, spending every waking moment together) and don’t clarify the issues, anger ensues. You fail to meet each others’ expectations.
• We often go into relationships with blinders on, seeing what we want to see. We make dangerous assumptions such as “My love will change her.” (Of course, there are certainly no guarantees that anyone will change. Real love accepts others the way they are without wanting to change them.)

The danger isn’t only in making assumptions about others. We make assumptions about ourselves. We underestimate (assume we’re less capable than we are) or overestimate ourselves, leading to disappointment, self-doubt and recriminations.

How Do We Stop Making Assumptions? Communication and Clarification

So how do you stop making assumptions and jumping to conclusions? Ask questions! Have the courage to seek the truth. If you know the truth, you...

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Tips on Doing Your Best

• Let go of past mistakes and regrets. If you regret doing a poor job and getting fired from a position in the past, let it go. Focus on your new job and new opportunities.
• Learn to say NO when you want and YES when you want. You’ll stop yourself from taking on things you don’t want to do and spend your time doing your best at things that uplift you.
• Keep trying if you fall short on following the Four Agreements. Do your best, and there will be no self-recriminations. Do not judge yourself.
• Keep your attention on today. Stay in the present moment. Do your best one moment at a time.
• Doing your best is about taking action. Without action, the ideas stay in your head. When you take action, you are expressing who you really are.

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2. “Starving the Parasite” by Forgiving Others for the Past

The Toltecs liken the old, bad agreements to a “parasitic” organism in control of our minds and thoughts. To get rid of the parasite, we have to starve it by not giving it attention. We have to stop dwelling on the old wounds in our minds so that we can heal.

The key to “starving the parasite” is forgiveness. We must forgive those who have wronged us. This is actually for our benefit – when we resent others, we’re the ones paying for the injustice. We feel the resentment and the anger.

Because we love ourselves, we must forgive whoever we perceive as having hurt us – God, others and ourselves.

You know you’ve successfully forgiven someone when seeing them no longer brings up an emotional reaction. You know you are no longer the victim. The old wound doesn’t hurt anymore.

Controlling our emotions is also an important part of forgiveness. When we lose control of our emotions, we say things we don’t want to say and do things we don’t want to do. When we learn to control our emotions, we gain personal power, making it easier to forgive those who have hurt us. We have more power to c_hange our...

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• You are aware that love is all around you.

We now know that the world is beautiful and wonderful. Life can be easy when you love the way you’re living.

We have a choice: Suffer our destiny, or enjoy our destiny.