PDF Summary:The Explosive Child, by Ross Greene

Is your child stubborn and quick to lash out? Have they gone through many different counselors, psychiatrists, and medications without improving? Do you feel like you live according to their moods? If so, The Explosive Child offers you a way to get their behavior under control—and a way to get your life back. In it, clinical child psychologist Ross W. Greene outlines a method of addressing the behavioral problems of “explosive children” through collaboration and communication.

Our guide to The Explosive Child will help you discover the cause of your child’s behavioral problems and explain how you can work together to address them. We’ll also go over common challenges parents may face during this process, all while comparing Greene’s strategies to those of other child psychologists and parenting experts.

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Strategy #3: Discuss

So far, we’ve seen two strategies that work as short-term solutions but fail to address long-term behavioral problems. To solve these long-term problems, Greene suggests a third strategy of working collaboratively with your child to determine what’s triggering their outbursts and how to fix it. You accomplish this by discussing their outbursts in an attempt to understand their perspective, communicate your own perspective, and come up with a solution. (We discuss this process in detail in Part 3.)

Pros of “Discuss”

This strategy is best for addressing your child’s behavioral issues in the long term, explains Greene. By discovering the practical challenges and missing executive skills that lead to your child’s outbursts, you can address them and prevent outbursts from happening altogether—eliminating behavioral problems and helping your child complete their practical challenges.

Cons of “Discuss”

Greene acknowledges this strategy often doesn’t work when your child is already upset or having an outburst, as they won’t be able to communicate while their emotions are heightened.

The Psychology of Discussing Outbursts

To better understand the psychology behind the “discuss” method, we can look to the authors of The Whole Brain Child. They describe people’s brains as having two main parts: The “upstairs” brain is responsible for higher thinking and reasoning, and the “downstairs” brain is responsible for primitive and impulsive responses. Children, they explain, have stronger downstairs brains that can shut out their upstairs brains—this is what causes them to have impulsive emotional reactions like outbursts. Parents therefore have to teach children how to integrate their upstairs and downstairs brains so they work together.

Discussing their behavioral problems allows them to do just that: Your child uses upstairs brain higher thinking to explain the downstairs brain emotional response that led to their outburst. Distinguishing between upstairs brain and downstairs brain thinking also helps explain why discussions don’t work when your child is upset—their downstairs brain is in control when their emotions are heightened, meaning they can’t perform the upstairs brain task of speaking with you until they’ve calmed down.

Part 3: Preventing Outbursts

As we noted in Part 2, Greene contends the “discuss” strategy is best for addressing long-term behavioral problems. In Part 3 of our guide, we’ll outline the four main steps of this strategy: prepare topics, gather information, share your perspective, and brainstorm solutions.

Step #1: Prepare Topics

Before discussing outbursts with your child, Greene says you should prepare two lists, one for each component of an outburst:

1) Practical Challenges

Make a list of the specific tasks your child has trouble completing and the rules they have trouble following. Don’t frame this in terms of their problem behaviors—prevention requires focusing on what causes outbursts, not on what happens during outbursts. For example, Liz’s parents would list “Has trouble getting out of bed in the morning.” They wouldn’t write down “Screams at us when we tell her to get up.”

(Shortform note: It can be difficult to deemphasize your child’s problem behaviors, especially when those behaviors are hurtful to you. If you’re struggling with this, try to avoid taking their behaviors personally—as previously discussed, children don’t want to disobey you and manipulate you into feeling a certain way. They’re just having their own emotional struggles and lack the self-control to manage everything they say. Making the effort to stay objective and focus on just their practical challenges now will pay off with fewer hurt feelings later on.)

2) Lacking Executive Skills

Make a list of the executive skills your child might be lacking. Greene provides his own list you can use as well. He frames these missing skills as “difficulties” your child faces rather than as problems with their behavior. Note that you won’t be using this list for discussion topics with your child—it’s just for your own reference to try and contextualize your child’s outbursts.

(Shortform note: Noting your child’s lacking executive skills can also help you understand the full scope of their struggles and how those struggles impact their development in different ways. Psychologists have been able to link struggles with executive functioning to anxiety, depression, and even physical health problems due to increased stress. This makes it especially important that you not only accurately list your child’s lacking executive skills, but that you also work to develop them over time—which Greene’s method is designed to do.)

Step #2: Get Your Child’s Perspective

Once you’ve created your lists, Greene says you can discuss practical challenges with your child beginning with the ones that cause the most outbursts or conflicts. Your goal in these conversations is to understand your child’s perspective on their practical challenges and outbursts. Greene acknowledges this isn’t always an easy process—kids often don’t fully understand their own feelings, and they might resist talking about their behavior—but by approaching your child openly and working with them, you’ll eventually discover the causes of their outbursts.

(Shortform note: Instead of just asking your child what causes their outbursts, some parenting experts suggest you also keep track of your child’s behaviors leading up to an outburst. By taking the initiative and paying attention to when and where outbursts occur, you’ll learn important information about your child’s behaviors. This information may then reveal productive starting points for your discussions.)

Greene offers two guidelines for conducting these discussions with your child:

1) Ask Specific Questions

Greene explains that your questioning throughout the discussion should focus on the specific circumstances behind practical challenges—allowing you to change or avoid these circumstances later on, preventing outbursts. To do this, ask your child a lot of what, who, where, and when questions, like: What is challenging or frustrating? Who makes you upset? Where and when do you tend to get upset? What were you thinking about in the moments leading to the outburst? For example, Liz’s dad asks what Liz doesn’t like about getting up in the morning or when she finds it easier or harder to get up.

Circumstance, Thought, and Then Action

Though it might seem like the circumstances of a practical challenge directly cause your child’s outbursts, there’s more going on than first appears. These circumstances, also known as behavioral triggers, are actually connected to specific ways of thinking rather than specific ways of acting. These thoughts are the “middle step” between specific circumstances and your child’s responses to them. For example, Liz encounters the behavioral trigger of waking up early. She associates this event with a specific way of thinking: “I hate getting up in the morning. I shouldn’t have to.” Then, when she’s told to get up, she automatically starts thinking about how unfair that is, works herself up into a rage, and has an outburst.

This middle step, a thought pattern, is crucial for understanding why outbursts happen—if a child can recollect what they were thinking just before an outburst, you can understand the chain of events leading to their behavior. Plus, if you’re able to find a way to interrupt your child’s negative thought pattern (through coping methods like breathing exercises, for example), then they won’t progress to the next step of having an outburst even in the face of a behavioral trigger.

2) Practice Active Listening

While getting your child’s perspective, you’ll want to keep your child as open and communicative as possible so they feel comfortable talking with you. To this end, Greene suggests you actively listen to your child, making them the focus of the conversation. He offers several conversational dos and don’ts for active listening:

• Do repeat your child’s answers back to them to make sure you understand them correctly.
• Do ask clarifying questions like “What do you mean?” or “How so?” when you don’t understand something.
• Don’t bring up problem behaviors, as doing so might make your child defensive and closed off.
• Don’t guess what your child is feeling or why they acted a certain way—you don’t want to speak over them and deprive them of an opportunity to explain themself.
• Don’t offer solutions yet, as this will come later.

Nonverbal Cues and Active Listening

Psychologists suggest there are several more crucial components to active listening, many of which have less to do with what you say and more to do with how you act. They advise that you also:

• Pay attention to your body language. Sometimes, our movements can say something we don’t intend. To show you’re engaged and interested in what the other person has to say, try to smile, avoid folding your arms, and nod regularly.

• Keep up eye contact. This allows you to show your conversation partner that you’re engaged with them and aren’t distracted by anything else.

• Don’t cut off your conversation partner. Even if there’s a period of silence while they consider what to say, you should be patient and wait for them to continue. This makes it easier for them to complete their thoughts and also shows you aren’t getting bored with what they have to say.

Step #3: Explain Your Perspective

Once you feel as though you have a good sense of your child’s perspective on a practical challenge, Greene says you should explain your perspective to them. Tell your child why you ask them to complete these practical challenges and how failing to do so negatively impacts them and the people around them. By helping your child understand why you ask them to complete practical challenges, those challenges will feel less arbitrary and less frustrating.

For example, Liz’s dad explains his perspective by saying, “I’m concerned that you’ll keep getting in trouble with your school by showing up late. Also, if you miss the bus and I have to drive you then I get in trouble for being late to work.” This shows Liz why she has to get up and the consequences when she doesn’t.

(Shortform note: In addition to sharing the consequences of failing to complete practical challenges, you can share your feelings about your child’s behavior, explain the authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. The goal of this isn’t to guilt your child, but rather to help them develop empathy and a willingness to collaborate with you. When you share your feelings, you model these skills for your child, and show them sharing feelings is not only safe but also encouraged.)

Step #4: Brainstorm and Test Solutions Together

Once both you and your child have made your perspectives clear, Greene says the next step is to work with your child to find a solution that works for both of you. You shouldn’t go into this step having already decided on a solution since it might narrow your thinking or cause you to slip into a “demand” strategy. Whatever solution you land on should be realistic and should satisfy everyone—otherwise, it’ll only breed resentment and increase tension over time, leading to future conflicts.

While you might think this step gives your child too much power or lets them take control, Greene argues this isn’t the case. You’re still determining a way they can complete the practical challenges you give them, after all.

(Shortform note: The process of coming up with and testing a number of solutions can be time-consuming and draining, something critics of collaborative parenting styles tend to focus on. These critics argue the involved processes of collaboratively working through each issue (as opposed to using clear rules and punishments) are sometimes unrealistic for parents, especially those who can only spend a limited amount of time with their child each day due to work or other concerns. While collaborative approaches can have their benefits, critics concede, parents shouldn’t feel guilty if they struggle to employ them.)

Greene outlines a three-part plan for brainstorming potential solutions: recap your concerns, offer initial ideas, and then revisit and refine them.

1) Recap Concerns

Recap your and your child’s perspectives. This will help keep in mind what your solution has to address. For example, during the discussion in Step #2, Liz revealed that she has trouble getting up on days when there’s nothing she likes for breakfast. Liz’s dad will recap this as well as his concerns about lateness.

(Shortform note: Repeating ideas in conversation not only helps you remember what was said, but it also proves you’ve been listening and helps your conversation partner feel heard and understood. This then encourages them to be more open and expressive moving forward, since they know they’re getting through to you.)

2) Offer Initial Ideas

Brainstorm some initial ideas for solutions, asking your child first. Since this is their struggle, they might already have some ideas of how to address it or a perspective different from your own. Then, you can offer your own ideas or modifications. For example, Liz suggests she should pick what she has for breakfast every day. Liz’s dad modifies the idea slightly, suggesting they plan breakfasts for each week together.

(Shortform note: The authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk offer concrete advice for this early brainstorming stage to make sure things go smoothly. They suggest you start with any and all ideas on the table (even ones you can’t agree to, like letting your child do whatever they want), writing them all down in a list. Then, both you and your child can go through this list and cross off any ideas you don’t like, explaining your thoughts and feelings along the way. These extra steps will help your child feel like you care what they think and are really working with them rather than against them.)

3) Revisit and Refine

Work with your child to implement your solution, changing it as needed. Try out your solution for a while and see if it helps your child address their practical challenge or lowers the number of outbursts they have. If it doesn’t, continue having follow-up discussions with your child to try and determine what works, what doesn’t, and whether another solution might be better. Remember, this is a process, and you might not get it right on the first try.

For example, Liz and her dad discover that their weekly breakfast plans often become power struggles, so they continue communicating openly and eventually decide to scrap this solution and look for a new one. Unlike when Liz’s dad used the demand strategy, though, they’re still making progress even though their first solution failed—they’re getting better at opening up to one another and understanding each other’s perspectives.

(Shortform note: Many parenting experts emphasize the importance of consistency when it comes to rules and discipline, arguing that it makes your child feel more secure and less anxious by helping them know what to expect from you. However, solutions are all about finding a way to make practical challenges manageable for your child—and if a given solution doesn’t do that, then continuing to use it won’t do anybody any good. If anything, it will only raise your child’s anxiety more by leading to more conflicts and power struggles. Therefore, you can forgo consistency until you find a solution that works.)

Part 4: Common Challenges

As you work to prevent outbursts by using Greene’s method, you’ll likely encounter challenges. In Part 4 of our guide, we’ll discuss three common challenges parents face during this process, as well as Greene’s suggestions for how to deal with them.

Challenge #1: Reluctance

Greene acknowledges that especially early on when you adopt the “discuss” strategy, your child might be reluctant or unwilling to talk. This is normal and usually occurs for two main reasons:

1. Your child still expects a one-way “demand” strategy and isn’t used to this new two-way approach. Therefore, they might still be somewhat defensive or not yet have the executive skills to communicate openly.
2. Your child genuinely doesn’t know why they struggle with a practical challenge or why they had an outburst.

Even if your child is reluctant early on, keep at it. Continuing to have these conversations will help them get better at reflecting on and communicating their feelings.

(Shortform note: While Greene’s advice to manage reluctance mainly centers around reducing negative feelings in a discussion, other parenting experts suggest you can also increase positive feelings your child has toward self-awareness and expression. By praising your child for expressing their feelings or having them identify their strengths, you can encourage them to be more open even outside of discussions about practical challenges.)

Challenge #2: Other Children and Adults

The second common challenge Greene brings up is managing your child when they’re around other children and adults. Because public outbursts can get chaotic quickly, Greene emphasizes safety and stability should be your first priority—even if it means getting medication to manage their behavior or using the “delay” strategy to avoid outbursts. In addition, you can make things easier for yourself by explaining your child’s outbursts to others:

• Tell your child’s school about what causes your child to have outbursts, as well as the solutions you and your child use to prevent them. (Shortform note: In addition to telling your child’s teachers your experience, ask them for their perspectives—hearing how someone else sees your child behave in a different environment might give you more insight into your child’s outbursts.)
• If your child’s siblings resent the special attention or privileges your child receives, explain that fair doesn’t always mean equal—different people struggle with different things, and your job as a parent is to help your children overcome whatever their struggles may be. (Shortform note: Parenting experts note that in addition to explaining how different kids need help in different ways, you can help address sibling jealousy by pointing out and praising each sibling for their unique strengths and talents.)

Challenge #3: Difficulty Communicating

Greene explains that if your child has limited communication, whether due to a disability, diagnosed condition, or any other number of reasons, the “discuss” strategy becomes more difficult but not impossible. You can use simplified methods like key phrases or pointing to pictures to help them express their needs. If your child is largely unable to communicate, you can keep track of their outbursts and try to find patterns of when they occur. These patterns can help you determine and then address the causes of those outbursts.

(Shortform note: In addition to pictures and key phrases, role play is a commonly used method of communicating practical challenges and boundaries to children with autism and learning disabilities. Role play not only allows you to model good behavior for your child, but it also allows your child to practice good behavior while they’re still calm and in a safe environment.)