PDF Summary:The Charisma Myth, by Olivia Fox Cabane

Most of us assume that charisma is something you’re born with: an indefinable “star quality” that makes some people irresistibly charming. This is a myth—charisma is nothing more than a set of habits and behaviors that anyone can learn. In The Charisma Myth, Olivia Fox Cabane offers specific skills and tactics you can use to become a magnetic presence wherever you go.

In this guide, we’ll break down the mysterious quality of “charisma” into three simple components and explain how to integrate each one into your personal relationships. Along the way, we’ll explore how influences such as Buddhist mindfulness and cognitive behavioral therapy inspire Cabane’s vision of charisma.

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One powerful tool to aid your cognitive reappraisal is visualization. Cabane states that the brain often mistakes imagination for reality. Therefore, visualizing the possible upsides of your situation impacts your emotions as if they’re really happening.

Cabane urges you to use visualization whenever you’re in an unproductive state of mind. For example, if you need a boost of confidence, remember a proud moment or visualize yourself succeeding in vivid sensory detail. When you’re feeling anxious, simply imagining that you’re receiving a long hug triggers comforting neurochemicals in your brain.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Reframes Negative Thoughts

Cabane’s strategy of reframing negative thoughts has support in the field of psychology. The popular branch of psychotherapy known as cognitive behavioral therapy, or “CBT,” is also built on the idea of cognitive reappraisal. In CBT, the patient and therapist work together to identify the patient’s harmful inaccurate perceptions of reality, reframe them into more positive and realistic beliefs, and build habits of responding to negative emotions in healthy ways.

Psychiatrist David Burns was one of the leading public figures who popularized CBT in the 1980s. In Feeling Great, Burns explains that people who suffer from anxiety and depression experience similar types of distorted negative thoughts. For example, they overgeneralize, telling themselves that because they did one thing wrong, they are “bad people” doomed to make things worse for the rest of their lives. Or, they “discount the positive,” devaluing their successes and claiming that they don’t really count. Burns explains that these negative thoughts are disconnected from reality, proving that thinking positively about your situation (as Cabane suggests) is often less delusional than implicitly believing your initial perceptions.

Although he doesn’t rely as much on using visualization as Cabane does, Burns does assert that the right imaginative exercises are extremely helpful in conquering negative states of mind. One of his most effective exercises is called the “Double Standard Technique.” Instead of judging yourself, imagine that you’re offering support to a friend of yours who’s in the exact same situation as you. Often, this simple shift in mindset helps people realize that they’re holding themselves to an unrealistic standard.

Some readers find Cabane’s faith in positive thinking to be unrealistically optimistic, but the proven effectiveness of cognitive behavioral therapy lends credibility to her methods. Meta-analysis of over a hundred independent studies has found that cognitive behavioral therapy is strongly supported by the available evidence, especially in treating anxiety disorders, stress disorders, bulimia, and problems with anger control.

Practice Mindfulness and Compassion

Cabane’s next strategy to help you master your emotional state is to intentionally practice mindfulness and compassion. As we’ve discussed, learning to generate genuine mindfulness and goodwill helps you effortlessly display charismatic behavior and body language.

The basic technique of mindfulness is to focus on specific sensations in the body to keep your mind from wandering. For example, if you’re in the middle of a conversation, briefly focusing on the sensation of your breath will gently halt your train of thought, allowing you to give your conversation partner your full attention. Cabane insists that this becomes easier with practice.

(Shortform note: Although Cabane doesn’t explicitly make the suggestion, intentionally practicing meditation every day may help you become more mindful and thus more charismatic. According to Buddhist monk Bhante Gunaratana, the ultimate goal of meditation practice is to cultivate mindfulness. Meditation can involve simply carving out 10-20 minutes a day to sit without distractions while employing Cabane’s technique of focusing on sensations in the body.)

Once you’ve executed this mindfulness technique and your attention is resting fully in the present, you can focus on generating charismatic goodwill for those around you. Cabane argues that to project goodwill, you not only need to care for others but also personally relate to how they feel. This combination of love and understanding is compassion.

Cabane asserts that even if you don’t consider yourself a caring person, we all have the capacity to feel true compassion: It just takes practice. Visualization comes in handy here. If you’re struggling to empathize with someone, imagine what life would be like as this person in as much vivid detail as you can muster. Alternatively, try focusing on any little thing you appreciate or respect about them. Cabane states that you find what you look for—the simple act of thinking positively about someone often generates good feelings toward them.

Cabane also emphasizes the importance of self-compassion. When you’re feeling overwhelmed, remember that negative emotions are nothing to be ashamed of. Acknowledging that everyone on earth has gone through the same kind of struggles can help alleviate the shame that prevents you from connecting with others.

Charisma Through Radical Acceptance

Cabane admits that she draws many of these ideas on compassion and how to cultivate it from the work of psychologist and meditation specialist Tara Brach—specifically Brach’s book Radical Acceptance. Like Cabane, Brach argues that mindfulness and compassion are necessary to fully connect with others.

Brach advocates for a meditative practice called “Radical Acceptance” intended to alleviate internal suffering. It’s a two-part process that involves both mindfulness and compassion—first, you recognize the emotions and sensations you’re feeling, and second, you offer yourself compassion, wishing yourself well instead of resenting yourself for not being good enough.

Brach asserts that the best way to connect with those around you is to give them this same gift of Radical Acceptance. First, lend a mindful ear and make sure you understand how they feel. Then, offer unconditional care and compassion, wishing them well and thinking positively about them.

Brach argues that, in this way, you should use Radical Acceptance to embrace the pain of others as if it were your own. Try to intentionally recognize the fact that human struggles are universal and that consequently, they’re nothing to be ashamed of. You won’t have trouble feeling genuine compassion for others if you wholeheartedly believe that you are fundamentally the same as them—their painful circumstances could have just as easily been yours.

This practice of Radical Acceptance towards others isn’t “charisma” as we typically think of it. However, if you regularly offer people this kind of love, Brach argues that they’re more likely to feel love toward you. They’ll trust you and want to be around you—in Cabane’s eyes, this is charisma.

Use the Body to Help the Mind

Cabane’s final strategy to create a positive, charismatic mindset is to intentionally adjust your body language. While we’ve established that your mental state determines your body language, Cabane asserts that this process can also work in reverse. By consciously making a habit of using confident body language, like standing tall and expanding your chest, you’ll genuinely feel more confident. These confident feelings in turn make this body language feel more natural, creating a positive feedback loop.

Cabane notes that this strategy works in the short term, too. When you’re preparing for key moments where you’ll need as much charisma as possible, take a minute to create your desired confident, charismatic emotional state with your body.

The “Power Posing” Debate

Cabane’s assertion that confident body language has the power to create genuine feelings of confidence has been the subject of major controversy in the field of psychology for the last decade.

The second–most-viewed TED talk of all time discusses this topic: 2012’s “Your body language may shape who you are” by psychologist Amy Cuddy. Cuddy advocates for “power posing,” claiming that if you strike a dominant, expansive pose for just two minutes, you’ll feel more powerful, take more risks, and experience significant hormonal changes that reflect increased confidence.

The technique exploded in popularity, earning Cuddy lucrative speaking gigs and a bestselling book in 2015. However, Cuddy received severe backlash after further studies failed to replicate her findings. Cuddy was all but ostracized from the field of psychology and ended up leaving her tenure-track position at Harvard Business School in 2017 in the wake of what she called “relentless abuse.”

The most recent findings on power posing, drawn from meta-analyses of dozens of studies on the subject, indicate that expansive, confident body language does evoke feelings of power. However, it doesn’t seem to increase risk tolerance or cause hormonal changes, as Cuddy initially claimed. Additionally, avoiding hunched, insecure body language appears to impact your confidence far more than the addition of special power poses.

Step 2: Practice Charismatic Conversation Skills

After you’ve built a foundation for charisma by mastering your charismatic mindset, Cabane recommends learning conversational habits and tactics that will allow you to endear yourself to anyone, anywhere.

We’ve broken down Cabane’s advice on improving conversation into three broad skills you need to acquire:

• Nonverbal communication
• Thoughtful listening
• Charismatic speaking

Let’s discuss each of these skills in turn.

Master Nonverbal Communication

The first conversational skill to learn is nonverbal communication. As we’ve discussed, Cabane is adamant that others evaluate you based on body language more than anything else. Therefore, she urges you to make sure your body language conveys both authority and goodwill.

Cabane recommends that you move slowly and deliberately, like benevolent royalty. The fewer movements you make, the more confident, in control, and authoritative you’ll seem. Restless fidgeting makes you seem distracted and agitated.

(Shortform note: Researchers have corroborated Cabane’s claims that slow, deliberate body language conveys authority and goodwill. Moving slowly doesn’t just make you seem in control—it also gives you more time to think through your actions before responding, allowing you to make better decisions with greater confidence. In the same vein, here are some other nonverbal cues you can use to convey the right amount of authority and goodwill: Keep your head straight instead of tilting it to one side. Use “steepling,” the hand position that conveys the most confidence. Don’t point with a single finger, as this seems aggressive—gesture with your whole hand instead.)

According to Cabane, another habit that helps you nonverbally project goodwill is mirroring. By matching the actions, body language, and vocal patterns of your conversation partner, you subconsciously communicate familiarity and intimacy, earning the other person’s trust.

(Shortform note: Although Cabane never touches on this point, many writers warn about the dangers of being caught mirroring. If people notice you mirroring their body language, they may accuse you of trying to manipulate them. A good rule of thumb is to stick to movements that feel instinctively right—don’t force anything. Note that if you’re already feeling connected to your conversation partner, you may find yourself mirroring automatically. This is a less risky, more natural form of mirroring.)

Perhaps most importantly, maintain mindful eye contact. Many people feel uncomfortable staring into someone else’s eyes for an extended period of time, but Cabane asserts that by pushing through the discomfort, you can forge deep connections. That said, if your eye contact is too intense, it may come across as threatening. To avoid this, use a mirror to practice staring with a soft focus—relax your eyes to create a feeling of warmth.

(Shortform note: Cabane is right to claim that eye contact is a powerful way to connect with others. Even making eye contact with a painted portrait activates the social, empathetic parts of our brain. Although Cabane primarily warns against eye contact that’s too harsh, many argue that the bigger hazard is staring for too long. On average, people make eye contact for 7 to 10 seconds at a time in a one-on-one conversation and 3 to 5 seconds at a time in a group. Making more eye contact than that can easily come across as aggressive.)

Be a Better Listener

The second conversational skill we’ll explore is thoughtful listening. Cabane asserts that, contrary to what you might expect, it’s far more important to be a charismatic listener than a charismatic speaker. If you’re genuinely interested in the other person, they’ll sense it and feel drawn to you.

Cabane explains that being a mindful, empathetic listener is important because humans tend to associate the people, places, and things around them with their emotional state, even if the connection isn’t logical. This means that how your partner feels when talking to you is far more important than what you talk about. If you make them feel good by being genuinely interested in them, they’ll perceive you as a fascinating conversationalist even if you do nothing but listen.

Cabane offers three tips on becoming a good, empathetic listener. The first is to practice mindfulness. Do whatever you can to concentrate on your partner’s words. Second, don’t interrupt. No one likes to be cut off mid-sentence. Finally, pause in conversation to absorb what your partner is saying. They’ll feel like you’re trying hard to understand their words.

(Shortform note: Cabane’s earlier argument that the right mindset makes charismatic behavior feel natural applies just as much to the listening skills she outlines here. If you honestly care about what someone has to say, you’ll naturally want to listen mindfully, avoid interrupting, and fully process what they’re saying. Conversely, if you’re only pretending to care about what someone is saying, you’ll be fighting an uphill battle. As previously mentioned, it’s nearly impossible to fake mindfulness, authority, and goodwill, and if your partner detects you’re being disingenuous, it’ll kill any charisma you already have.)

How to Become Interested in Others

Cabane’s advice to become genuinely interested in others to increase your charisma has been a widely-revered social strategy for years—this was the central idea of one of the best-selling books of all time, Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People (1936). Carnegie argues that the difference between genuine appreciation and manipulative flattery is sincerity—feeling a true emotional drive to learn about and empathize with others.

But what if empathy for others doesn’t come naturally to you? How do you convince yourself to be interested in other people? Cabane doesn’t discuss this, but here are a few tips:

Actively search for the interesting things about everyone. It’s easier to discover the genuinely interesting things about others than to force yourself to be interested in something you’re not. Everyone has something interesting about them if you get to know them well enough—it’s your job to find it.

Lead the conversation to interesting places. Even while you’re following Cabane’s advice and listening more than you’re speaking, you can nudge the conversation toward topics you find interesting. Ask questions that require deeper, more personal, and more insightful answers—instead of asking where they went to college and letting the conversation drop, ask how they felt about the college experience, or what their favorite memory from college is.

Expand your interests. It’s impossible to become interested in everything, but every time you branch out and learn about something new and interesting, it opens up new potential for future conversations. Dabble in as many new experiences as possible, and you’re more likely to find interesting things about the people you talk to. For example, try out a cooking class, and afterward, you may find someone who works as a chef more interesting.

Become a Magnetic Speaker

The third conversational skill you should master is charismatic speech. When it is your turn to speak, Cabane advises you to make every word count. People like to talk, so you want to make sure every second they’re listening to you instead is worth their time. To provide value to the other person, be humorous and entertaining, offer them interesting and useful information, and give plenty of compliments. In short, empathize with them and fulfill their wants and needs.

Make People Feel Important

Cabane claims that conversational “value” can take several different forms, but it’s possible that all these types of values are fulfilling the same human need: In How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie theorizes that more than anything else, the thing people want from their social lives is to feel important. In his eyes, people need feelings of “importance” as much as food or sleep.

Cabane’s suggestion to offer compliments is the most direct way to make someone feel important, but her other tactics feed this need just as well. If you make jokes to entertain someone or offer knowledge to help them achieve their goals, your efforts to support them will make them feel valued and important enough to warrant the effort you’ve put into pleasing them.

Amend Your Vocal Style

Cabane notes that certain vocal styles are far more charismatic than others. Research shows that the way a lecture is delivered has a greater effect on its audience than its content—delivery is everything. (Shortform note: Countless articles and communication textbooks support Cabane’s claim that delivery is more important than content, citing the statistic that 93% of all communication happens nonverbally. However, this widely-spread statistic is based on two studies with flawed methods from 1967. In reality, communication cannot be this easily dissected—content and delivery are so intertwined that it’s impossible to analyze each one separately.)

Cabane recommends you let a wide range of emotions saturate your voice. The more your voice fluctuates in tone, volume, and speed, the more engaged and charismatic you’ll seem. (Shortform note: Cabane doesn’t explain why voice fluctuation is so charismatic, but according to the research she’s citing, voice fluctuation implies attentiveness and responsiveness to the current situation. The more your voice changes from moment to moment, the more you seem emotionally invested in the present—and thus, the more mindfulness and goodwill you project.)

Furthermore, Cabane explains that to convey more authority, you should speak slowly, loudly, in low, rich tones. To convey more goodwill, smile. Smiling adds so much tangible affection to your voice that people can detect it even over the phone. (Shortform note: Cabane’s assertion that people are adept at detecting smiles in the voices of others fits with her earlier theory that people are constantly scanning each other for goodwill. If humans have always been on the lookout for those with good intentions, it makes sense that they would be especially sensitive in detecting smiles.)

What Makes a Voice Authoritative?

Cabane notes that low, deep voices instinctively imply authority, but why do we perceive them that way? This is, in fact, an ongoing debate.

Classicist Mary Beard argues that we only perceive deeper voices as authoritative because our cultural ancestors from Ancient Greece and Rome established a bias against the speech of women. Since our models of governance and public speech descend from theirs, we also inherit a cultural disrespect of high-pitched voices.

Alternatively, one team of researchers theorizes that we perceive low voices as authoritative for biological reasons. Men with deep voices have higher testosterone and lower cortisol levels, which marks a stronger immune system—so we associate deep voices with fitness and strength.