PDF Summary:The Antidote, by Oliver Burkeman

Ever tried to think positively and still felt unhappy? You’re not alone—many people find it difficult to feel happy no matter how many positive thoughts they force themselves to think.

Journalist and best-selling author Oliver Burkeman sheds light on this conundrum, suggesting that relentlessly trying to be positive can, ironically, make you unhappy. In The Antidote, he draws on research, philosophical insights, and diverse interviews to argue that accepting and even embracing negative emotions, uncertainties, and failures may be the key to feeling happier.

In this guide, we’ll delve into Burkeman’s exploration of the potential downsides of positive thinking and present alternative approaches to well-being and contentment that extend beyond perpetual optimism. Additionally, we’ll supplement his ideas with psychological research and actionable methods from other self-improvement authors and practitioners. You’ll come away with diverse insights that may lead to a deeper, more nuanced understanding and experience of happiness.

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Further, psychologists suggest that frequent disappointment can lead some people to adopt unhealthy coping mechanisms that further disconnect them from reality. One such mechanism is maladaptive daydreaming—when people avoid real-life challenges by escaping to an idealized world where expectations are always met and setbacks don't exist. The more they indulge in these daydreams, the more the line between fantasy and reality blurs. This confusion amplifies their vulnerability to real-world disappointments, driving them further into their fantasies.

5) Your Pursuit of Perfection Breeds Discontent

Self-help materials often depict people living perfect lives. Burkeman argues that such portrayals encourage you to pursue superficial achievements over genuine happiness and to view any deviation from this ideal as a failure. As a result, you waste your energy masking your “imperfections,” leaving little energy to discover what truly brings you happiness.

Example: Your attempt to curate a picture-perfect existence on Facebook traps you in a cycle of comparison and self-critique that makes you more conscious, and less accepting, of your “imperfections.” So you focus on hiding your so-called flaws rather than on making the best out of them.

Chasing Perfection Feeds the Desire for External Validation

Another way this portrayal of perfection might make you unhappy is by fuelling your desire for external validation (the need to feel accepted and praised). This isn’t just about wanting to be perfect but about wanting to be seen as perfect. Multiple authors, including Brianna Wiest (101 Essays That Will Change the Way You Think) and Neil Pasricha (The Happiness Equation) suggest that the need for validation motivates many of your thoughts and behaviors, contributing to a feedback loop that intensifies unhappiness.

Self-help materials often encourage buy-in by implying that attaining perfection is the only way to guarantee happiness, admiration, and approval. You chase this ideal, hungry for the promised rewards. The closer you get to achieving this ideal image, the more validation you receive—but the more you measure your life as it is now against this ideal standard, the more inadequate you feel. This sense of inadequacy propels you deeper into the cycle, seeking more external validation.

For example, an influencer posts a photo that captures their “perfect” lifestyle. The influx of likes and comments validates their post, encouraging them to maintain this image. However, when they see another influencer's seemingly more "perfect" post, they feel overshadowed and inadequate, despite their own success. This inadequacy motivates them to post even more pristine images, aiming to recapture the validation they think they've lost.

To sum up, seeking external validation is like being on a treadmill that's constantly accelerating. The more you run, the faster it goes, making it increasingly difficult to keep up, let alone find genuine happiness.

Downside #3: Grasping for Control Fosters Anxiety and Frustration

So far, we’ve discussed the potential downsides of forcing positive thoughts and chasing success goals. While these strategies impede happiness and success in various ways, Burkeman suggests they predominantly fail to make you happy by perpetuating a harmful ideology: To be happy, you must take control of your life and actively avoid discomfort and uncertainty. However, because life's inherent unpredictability makes total control impossible, attempts to avoid pain are futile, serving only to heighten anxiety and frustration.

Since total control is impossible, you cling to an illusion of control. And the only way you can maintain this illusion is by always being watchful for anything that might disrupt your plans. This vigilance traps you in a cycle of worry and unease, hindering your ability to enjoy the moment. It also leads to risk aversion, preventing you from trying new things and leading to stagnation and regret. Inevitably, when problems do occur, your false sense of control shatters, causing disillusionment and unhappiness.

Example: You obsessively control your child’s study habits to help both of you avoid the pain of failure. When, despite meticulous planning and effort, she receives subpar grades, the painful realization that extensive efforts don’t guarantee success or happiness leaves both of you defeated and frustrated.

(Shortform note: Neurological research adds insight on how uncertainty and a lack of control heighten stress: You’re more likely to feel anxious when you’re uncertain something bad will happen than when you know something bad will happen. The striatum, a deep brain structure, plays a key role in assessing the likelihood of positive or negative outcomes and triggering the stress response. When the striatum perceives the odds of a bad outcome to be around 50%, it amplifies the stress response more than when it anticipates a certain negative outcome. For example, before an exam, your striatum intensifies stress more when you're unsure you studied enough to pass, rather than when you know you're going to fail because you didn't study at all.)

Part 2: Alternative Approaches to Achieving Happiness

Now that we’ve covered the ways trying to be positive and goal-oriented can hinder happiness, let’s explore alternative approaches to well-being and contentment. Burkeman draws on a variety of philosophies and ideas—including Stoicism, Buddhism, and the spiritual teachings of Eckhart Tolle—to argue that happiness doesn't come from striving for constant positivity and control but from embracing life’s uncertainty and imperfections.

He suggests that recognizing that life can’t be controlled frees you from the limitations of pursuing constant positivity while enriching your life and revealing joy in unexpected places.

(Shortform note: In The Myth of Sisyphus, philosopher Albert Camus argues similarly that insecurity is an essential facet of human life. He explains that there’s a mismatch between this reality and the psychological need for control over life. He refers to this paradox between our desire for security and control and the fact of insecurity as absurdity—and he argues that the only way to deal with it is by embracing absurdity and making the most of our limited time on earth.)

Burkeman emphasizes that there’s no universal blueprint for happiness, and his suggestions aren't formulas for a happy, ideal life. Rather, they’re flexible tools to help you accept and navigate life as it unfolds, allowing you to find lasting joy, even amid imperfection.

He suggests three approaches:

1. Accept all your thoughts and feelings.
2. Adopt a flexible attitude toward goals.
3. Get comfortable with change and uncertainty.

Let’s explore these three approaches in detail.

Approach #1: Accept All Your Thoughts and Feelings

Burkeman explains that happiness doesn’t come from experiencing only positive emotions but from accepting all your thoughts and feelings, even the seemingly negative ones. This approach helps you avoid the unproductive cycles of forced positivity and self-blame. (Shortform note: Ironically, embracing negative thoughts and feelings can help you approach life more positively. According to research, negative thoughts and feelings allow you to recognize what experiences are most satisfying or joyful to you. If you felt good all the time, you wouldn't be able to distinguish between positive and negative experiences or know what type of experiences to pursue more of.)

Burkeman suggests three methods to help you accept your thoughts and feelings:

Practice mindful observation: Observe your thoughts and emotions impartially, without judgment or attachment. Noticing your thoughts without becoming entangled in them cultivates acceptance. For example, if the thought “I am not good enough” surfaces, simply acknowledge it and let the thought drift away.

(Shortform note: According to mental health experts, mindfulness can also enhance well-being by alleviating symptoms of stress-related health issues such as high blood pressure or tension headaches. In Mindfulness in Plain English, Bhante Gunaratana recommends establishing a schedule to turn your mindfulness practice into a habit. Begin by setting aside 10 to 20 minutes each morning or evening, lengthening your time as you get more comfortable with the process.)

Examine your judgments: Burkeman says you should acknowledge that experiences aren’t inherently positive or negative; it’s your judgments that shape your emotional response. This realization fosters acceptance by helping you perceive experiences more neutrally. For example, seeing a traffic jam as an occurrence rather than an inconvenience eliminates the negative connotation and reduces frustration.

(Shortform note: This approach aligns with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which focuses on questioning the rationality of uncomfortable thoughts about a situation. This process helps you examine and challenge your perceptions so that you can find more objective ways to think about and judge your experiences. The more you question the validity of your judgments, the less likely you are to accept them as facts and allow them to rule your emotions.)

Shift to preference-based thinking: Burkeman recommends reframing wants and wishes from being absolute needs to preferences to reduce the stress and disappointment you feel when things don’t go as planned. For example, reframe “I must always have a clean home” to “I prefer a clean home but it’s OK if it’s not always organized” to alleviate distress over occasional disorder.

(Shortform note: Here’s a practical way to embrace preference-based thinking: Write down everything you want to do in a day and group into categories like career, relationships, and self-care. Then, work through the list and strike anything that’s not aligned with your current needs. For example, you might want to be the mom leading multiple organizations at your child’s school, but need downtime with your family in the evenings. Once you have a handle on what your needs are, plan your schedule around them. This exercise keeps your time focused on what matters most to you and highlights which parts of your life are lower-priority wants.)

Approach #2: Adopt a Flexible Attitude Toward Goals

Burkeman suggests that you’re more likely to feel happy and accomplished if you shift from pursuing rigid goals to adopting a more flexible attitude, allowing your goals to evolve with your changing desires and circumstances. This approach redefines your relationship to success by making setbacks seem less like failures and more like learning curves that keep your goals in tune with what matters to you.

He recommends three methods for cultivating a flexible attitude toward goals:

Set adaptable goals: Make your goals flexible from the outset and consistently reevaluate them to ensure they align with your evolving needs, circumstances, and aspirations. For example, instead of focusing on one predefined career path, explore diverse roles to enhance your chances of getting a rewarding job. (Shortform note: To ensure your goals remain adaptable, consider adopting a monitoring system like Brendon Burchard's method in High Performance Habits: Every week, chart your work-life balance by ranking your satisfaction levels in 10 areas, like work and family, then set your goals for the coming week in each area.)

Learn from failure: Burkeman says you should analyze setbacks and apply your insights to future efforts. This strategy transforms disappointments into actions you can take to improve, helping you sustain momentum toward your goals. For example, if a promotion eludes you, identify and hone the necessary skills to prepare yourself for future opportunities.

(Shortform note: Social psychologists offer constructive advice for learning from failure: Don’t focus on finding fault with who you are. This makes you feel powerless because it attributes setbacks to inherent, unchangeable traits—for example, believing that you didn't get the promotion because you’re not intelligent enough. Instead, focus on specific, changeable behaviors. This will direct you to specific actions you can take to improve both yourself and your circumstances, and it will help you respond more rationally to setbacks. For example, realizing you didn't get the promotion because you don’t have enough project management experience indicates an area you can improve.)

Establish action-based routines: Burkeman says to prioritize completing specific tasks regardless of your motivation levels. This approach emphasizes doing over feeling, fostering a commitment to take action that ensures continual progress toward your goals. For example, dedicate the first hour of your day to crucial tasks to guarantee daily advancement regardless of your motivational state.

(Shortform note: On the surface, this approach seems to contradict Burkeman's advice to adopt flexible goals. However, establishing action-based routines creates a framework for flexible goals to thrive. Think of it as a stable routine that keeps you grounded and proactive, ensuring you make progress irrespective of how your goals evolve. For example, dedicating an hour each day to priority tasks might involve various activities, depending on your shifting goals. One day, it could mean brainstorming for a new project; the next, it might be networking or learning a new skill. This combination establishes a steady rhythm of work while allowing room for adaptability, striking the right balance for consistent progress and evolving goals.)

Approach #3: Get Comfortable With Impermanence and Uncertainty

Burkeman asserts that getting comfortable with uncertainty can diminish fear and anxiety, leading to deeper, more genuine happiness. This approach encourages you to find joy amidst the unpredictability of life, rather than striving for control.

He suggests three methods for feeling more comfortable with impermanence and uncertainty:

Embrace life’s transience: Acknowledge the fleeting nature of thoughts, emotions, and life itself to deepen your engagement and appreciation for each passing moment. For example, while washing dishes, observing the swift dissipation of soap bubbles can serve as a reflection on impermanence and your inevitable death.

(Shortform note: In addition to deepening your appreciation for life, acknowledging impermanence also helps you feel less fearful of losing the things you love. According to Jay Shetty (Think Like a Monk), your fears point you toward what you’re afraid of losing—the things you’re most attached to. However, when you accept that you can’t control how long any of these things will stay in your life, you change your relationship to the things that bring you fear: Instead of trying to control and hold onto the things you care about, you’re able to appreciate and enjoy what you have.)

Acknowledge discomfort in uncertainty: Burkeman advises embracing unease when confronting the unknown, rather than rushing to resolve it. Accepting discomfort curbs impulsive, ill-considered decisions by providing mental space to consider alternatives. For example, if you lose your job, instead of rushing to grab the first available job, take time to reflect on your next move.

(Shortform note: Consider this approach a form of mental resilience training: Each time you withstand the urge to make a hasty decision, you strengthen your tolerance for ambiguity. One way to put this into practice is to keep a journal where you note your experiences of uncertainty and their eventual outcomes. For example, if you once hesitated about taking a new job offer and waited, you might record how that decision led to an unexpected opportunity a few weeks later. Reflecting on these experiences may reveal that most anxieties never come to pass—according to one study, 91.4% of the things we worry about don’t come true, reinforcing the idea that immediate action isn't always the best response.)

Confront your fears: Burkeman writes that you should identify and face your fears head-on to differentiate between actual and perceived threats. This discernment diminishes their hold over you, enabling you to act with less anxiety. For example, deliberately confronting your fear of public speaking can reveal it’s more manageable than you imagined. (Shortform note: While this may sound like an uncomfortable process, you might enjoy it. According to Steven Kotler (The Art of Impossible), doing activities that are outside of your comfort zone—and therefore feel risky—triggers dopamine spikes. This means that you’ll experience pleasure each time you attempt to confront your fears.)