PDF Summary:The Anatomy of Peace, by The Arbinger Institute

In The Anatomy of Peace, the Arbinger Institute—a leading consultant in conflict resolution—discusses how we perpetuate conflict by misunderstanding its cause and acting inappropriately as a result. By understanding the mechanics of the conflict mindset, you'll find how we make conflict worse, how we invite the mistreatment we desire an end to, and how we blind ourselves to the true causes of our interpersonal problems.

In this guide, we discuss Arbinger’s strategy for adjusting your mindset, returning to appreciating the full humanity of others, and creating strong, conflict-resistant relationships in your home, business, and community. We also examine psychological theories that often underpin, support, or build upon Arbinger’s ideas.

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Generally, Arbinger says, we make the choice to betray ourselves because we think it’ll cost us less time, energy, or effort—or because we think honoring our desire to do the right thing will lead to some discomfort we’d rather avoid. Maybe we choose not to help when we know we could. This is the core issue of the combative mindset; we lie to ourselves and refuse to see the truth of the situation.

(Shortform note: In many ways, self-betrayal equates to going against our conscience: acting in a way that doesn't align with what we know is right. In Stephen R. Covey’s book First Things First, he emphasizes the importance of living according to your conscience. The more you excuse acting against your principles, the deeper you bury your integrity beneath a pile of rationalizations and justifications. In order to live with integrity, Covey says, you must pay attention to your conscience, as well as the way you respond to its messages. Your conscience will always point you toward your greatest quality of life, by recommending genuine, wholehearted actions that support your principles.)

How We Justify Betraying Ourselves

The authors explain that when we betray ourselves, the choice we’ve made doesn’t feel right to us, so we seek to justify it. It’s uncomfortable to know we’ve done something we don’t believe in, so we convince ourselves that the betrayal was unavoidable.

The Institute lists three ways in which we usually justify our self-betrayals:

1. By changing the way we see ourselves (for example, telling ourselves that we’re fundamentally “bad,” so can’t help behaving badly)
2. By changing the way we see others (for instance, deciding that they deserve our bad behavior)
3. By creating a false reality in which our choice was right, necessary, or inevitable

(Shortform note: We may justify unethical behavior in dozens of different ways that aren’t logically consistent or reasonable. Arbinger focuses primarily on self-serving justifications—in which we rationalize our behavior as being “not that bad,” or twist the circumstances in a way that allows us to feel morally justified. We want to believe that we’re still good people, or that it’s okay if we do wrong “once in a while.” The trouble is, when we betray our conscience, we don’t feel we can believe either of those things anymore, so we justify until we can.)

Each time we justify our self-betrayal, our perspective shifts, making it more likely that we’ll justify again. The more you justify, Arbinger says, the more sure you are that you’re right, and the more likely it is that you’re actually mistaken—this is how you develop a bias.

(Shortform note: When you justify in any of the three ways noted above, you also become susceptible to confirmation bias. This is a tendency to seek evidence that supports what you already believe—in this case, your justification—and to ignore evidence to the contrary. You can’t afford to see your justifications disproved, so you do everything you can to avoid reality and “confirm” your point of view—which can lead to embracing broad stereotypes, refusing to give second chances, or attacking those you disagree with before they can explain themselves. In other words, it leads to long-running, pervasive biases like the four we discussed previously.)

Changing Our Mindset

To dismantle our biases, we must escape the cycle of self-betrayal and justification. To do this, we must change our mindset to one that’s conducive to cooperation; in short, we must practice seeing others as people, instead of as objects. This is the core of the collaborative mindset.

Mindset Adjustment and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Mindset adjustment, like that which the Institute advocates, is a common vehicle used by therapists and psychiatrists to aid in the growth of their clients. In each case, the goal of the adjustment is to mitigate or eliminate the negative effects of a person’s current perspective. This method of shifting mindset is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT.

David D. Burns, M.D., author of Feeling Good—a seminal work in the field of CBT—explains that we feel the way we think. We develop habitual ways of thinking—mindsets—that determine what things mean to us. Our brain must process the inputs it receives and filter them through our mindset before we can feel any kind of way about an event—and if our mindset is biased, our feelings will be, too.

Further, strong negative feelings are often caused by ways of thinking called cognitive distortions. These distortions, according to Burns, can take many forms, but they usually lead us to believe firm statements or claims that aren’t entirely true. One such distortion is jumping to conclusions: for example, deciding we’re headed for certain doom based on one negative experience.

To look at Arbinger’s ideas through a CBT lens, the Institute teaches us to shift our mindset and see others as whole people because doing so helps us avoid a host of cognitive distortions that make managing conflict more difficult. A people-focused mindset makes it feel less reasonable to respond to interpersonal conflicts with violence, criticism, and judgment—distorted responses that fuel hostility and prevent cooperation.

Escape the Combative Mindset

To approach conflict in a healthier way, you need to escape the combative mindset. To do that, you first need to become aware that your justifications have biased you.

Step 1: Notice Your Bias

There are a variety of signs that you may be biased. If you find yourself blaming others, justifying your behaviors, making the world or the people around you look horrible, or feeling any of the emotions associated with each of the Four Biases, you can recognize that you’re biased.

(Shortform note: This first step requires us to practice self-awareness. Self-awareness theory tells us that we are not our thoughts and feelings—rather, we are the beings that observe them. This allows us to examine ourselves, evaluate our responses, and change our patterns of thought and behavior. Understanding how biases, justifications, and self-betrayals work arms you with the ability to see these things happening in your own mind—and once you see them, you can interrupt them.)

Step 2: Set Aside Your Bias

Once you’ve recognized that you’re biased, you can step out of your biased perspective. The Institute tells us that the first step to removing a bias is to find a space where you’re not biased at all and to take note of how it feels to be there. Setting your bias aside can be as simple as recalling a memory of a time when you weren’t biased, or doing something that lets you be genuine.

When you remember what it’s like to be genuine, open, and accepting toward someone, your perspective automatically shifts. Memories of brighter relationships and calmer times lift you, emotionally and mentally, out of the present moment, and they allow you to step out of the negative perspective your conflicts have trapped you in. From this more positive space, you’re able to reexamine the situation that had previously restricted your view.

(Shortform note: A simple way to escape the emotional turmoil that comes with a biased perspective is to intentionally activate your parasympathetic nervous system—the part of your body that’s responsible for the calm-down response. To activate this system, think about a person you feel safe around—someone who accepts you. Imagine them walking into the room and making eye contact. They notice you’re upset and give you a long hug. Maybe you sit down with them and they let you talk through what’s bothering you. The calming “presence” of a safe person makes you feel safe, allowing your body’s threat response to slowly dissipate.)

Step 3: Rethink the Situation

From your unbiased perspective, reexamine your conflicts. Ask yourself what the challenges, struggles, burdens, or pains of the other party are, how you’re contributing to them, and how you could be helping instead of hindering.

(Shortform note: Taking the perspective of another party—whether you’re in a conflict or not—offers numerous benefits. It lets you see what you’re missing and choose actions that better serve everyone involved. It helps you understand not only how others are thinking and feeling, but why. Most importantly, it enables you to think considerately, constructively, and cooperatively, and shifts your focus toward what you can accomplish together.)

Step 4: Act According to Your Conscience

Once you’ve got a sense of what you should do to help rather than hinder, act. Acting according to your conscience is key; if you don’t act, despite now knowing what’s right, you return to justifying and immediately reclaim your bias. By acting, you honor your internal compass and embody the cooperative mindset. You begin to form a habit of considering more than just your own needs.

(Shortform note: Your conscience isn’t an impartial ethical or moral compass—instead, it simply guides you toward actions that are consistent with your beliefs. The above method helps us return to seeing others as people, and to believing that they deserve to be treated as people. Because we’ve returned to believing this, our conscience drives us to treat others better.)

The Cooperative Strategy

Early on, we mentioned that we spend too much of our time and energy trying to correct what’s wrong instead of focusing on making sure things go right. What follows is the method by which the Institute recommends we help things go right: by building cooperative relationships. The following image summarizes that process:

Its bottom-up structure conveys the following lessons:

1. Each higher step relies on the previous steps to succeed.
2. If our efforts on a particular step are resisted, we need to revisit previous steps.
3. Cooperative relationships only succeed while you hold a cooperative mindset.

In short, we’ll strengthen our relationships enough that everyone’s comfortable sharing the details of their struggles with us. That communication enables us to prioritize their needs and identify appropriate lessons to share with them.

Building Secure Relationships Takes Time

What follows is essentially a primer for building secure relationships. When you humanize people, approaching them openly and without judgment or criticism, they learn that it’s safe to be around you: in short, that you’ll respect their needs and personhood, that you won’t hurt or attack them, and that you really do have their best interests in mind. You build relational security by showing, repeatedly, that you can be trusted to help instead of hurt.

As you work to build healthier, more secure relationships, be patient and gentle. Most people want to be cared for, but experience has led some of them to believe it’s not realistic, or even possible. Kindness, acceptance, and genuine communication can be powerfully healing, but they can also be terrifying—people may respond in strange ways. Remember that everyone’s been through something difficult, as you have, and you can’t know what they’ve learned to expect because of it.

The Steps of Building a Cooperative Relationship

If you find yourself in conflict with someone, or if you’re working with or living with a person with whom you’d like to either avoid conflict entirely or proactively mitigate it, work to build a cooperative relationship by following these steps:

1. First, maintain a cooperative mindset. Stay unbiased. Everything that follows is predicated on this.

(Shortform note: Keep in mind that when you act cooperatively, everyone benefits. As Adam Grant states in Give and Take, you should aim to give more than you get: When you focus on the success of everyone involved, rather than just yours, people trust your motives. They can safely share with you without fear of exploitation or retaliation, and will value your presence.)

2. While you’re unbiased, build relationships with those who have influence with the person you want to connect with. If that’s your child, build relationships with their friends, teachers, and other guardians. In showing respect and consideration for the people they care for, you show respect and consideration for them.

(Shortform note: Respecting relationships is especially critical with children. Engaging positively with your child’s friends keeps you aware of their connections and reduces the risk that they’ll pursue unhealthy relationships as a means of rebellion. Support your child’s social growth by being openly welcoming and friendly to, and interested in, their friends.)

3. Next, work on building the relationship with the person you want to connect with. Find out what they like to do, and do it with them. Be involved, interested, and engaged. Give them a judgment-free space where they can be genuine, and show them that you value their openness. Trust them, and show them that they can trust you.

(Shortform note: If you want lasting, stable relationships, it can’t be your goal to win arguments, exercise power, or be in control. When you’re fighting with the goal of exerting your will, establishing your authority, or forcing other people to change, others learn that you care less about their needs than you do about your own desires. As you treat them combatively, you lose their trust, respect, and cooperation. They stop sharing their needs, desires, and burdens with you, and you stop getting to know them. In a healthy relationship, individuals hold a very different goal: to enhance the relationship and each other. When you prioritize that, you naturally communicate differently and you teach those around you that their feelings, needs, and values are important to you. They become more willing to share, and you get to know them better.)

4. As your relationship with the other party grows, be sure that you’re listening, and that you’re learning from and about them. What are their needs and struggles? What are their hopes, dreams, and goals? What can you change about the way you’re behaving to make life easier for them? The more open you are with someone, the easier it will be to learn from them, as they’re more likely to be open in return.

(Shortform note: Openness is about more than saying what you think; it’s about honestly externalizing your internal world. Nobody can hear the monologue inside your head; when you’re stressed, angry, afraid, or hurt, communicate that verbally. Put aside your fear of rejection and be direct: If you’re tired of doing all the dishes, express what you actually want—don’t ask, “why don’t you ever wash the dishes?” Be clear, and say: “I feel like I end up washing all the dishes myself, and I want to see you do your part, too.”)

5. At this stage, you can begin teaching what you know. The understanding you’ve gained from listening will show you where the other person needs help and how you can be involved. The trust and communication you’ve built allows you to teach your mindset, share your experience, and demonstrate what you’ve learned. Through your teaching, you can show them why change is important.

(Shortform note: Teaching will benefit you as well as the other person: It helps organize information in your mind, leading to a deeper understanding and keeping you motivated, engaged, and self-aware as you grow into the cooperative mindset. Remain open to learning as you teach, from your students as well as from the process of teaching itself.)

6. Finally, if necessary, correct. Because of the way you’ve built the relationship, you can suggest behavioral and mindset changes from a position of trust and care. The other person will be more open to receiving guidance and feedback, and they’ll understand that your goal is to cooperate and learn from each other.

If you find that correction isn’t working, return to the previous steps and make sure you’re following them closely. Ensure you’re not missing or misunderstanding something, and that the change you’re asking for is genuinely good for the person you’re correcting, and then try again.

(Shortform note: In many ways, correcting someone is a form of giving feedback. Giving feedback—especially negative feedback, as in the case of correction—can be tricky: People can react badly and be dismissive. Douglas Stone, author of Thanks For The Feedback, identifies the triggers that cause us to dismiss feedback. We refuse feedback when it’s brought to us by someone who routinely mistreats us, because we don’t see a problem with our behavior, or because we interpret the criticism as an attack on our personhood. By building safe, reliable relationships in which we always see others as people—and treat and speak to them as people—we avoid these triggers.)

Aim for Growth Over Perfection

As you try to correct a person’s behavior or address ongoing conflicts—and, more broadly, as you try to engage with others and build relationships—keep in mind that it’s natural to stumble and fail. You’ll make mistakes, and so will those you’re trying to connect with or correct. Don’t expect perfect success, and don’t be discouraged if progress is slow. In fact, don’t focus on winning and succeeding at all: In your attempt to master the cooperative mindset, focus on growing and improving over time.

Daniel H. Pink, author of Drive, says that mastery requires a growth mindset. He explains that people with a growth mindset believe they have the potential to get better at anything they want to do. As a result, they see effort as the driver of improvement, focus on progress over results, and examine their failures for useful feedback. He points out that it’s not possible to achieve total, effortless mastery, no matter the skill. There’s always more to learn and new situations to apply your knowledge to, and improving isn’t easy.

As you apply your cooperative mindset to the relationships and interactions in your life, remember the benefits of perspective-taking, the value of secure relationships, and the importance of following your conscience. Continue to practice self-awareness and, as your relationships develop, pay attention to changes in the way you’re treating others and how they respond. Take pride in incremental progress; improvement is success.