PDF Summary:She Comes First, by Ian Kerner

Ideas regarding sex in traditional mainstream culture are centered around male anatomy and satisfaction—penetration is the pinnacle of sex, and sex is over when the man ejaculates. However, Ian Kerner explains that these beliefs often leave women unsatisfied. In She Comes First, Kerner explains that for sex to adequately satisfy both partners, we must change the narrative—men should ensure their female partner orgasms first. And the best way to accomplish this, Kerner argues, is through cunnilingus.

She Comes First is an instruction manual on how to perform cunnilingus that will satisfy women and produce the best sex possible. This guide will explain female sexual anatomy, Kerner’s proven techniques to satisfy women, and how to integrate these techniques into your next intimate session to make your female partner orgasm. Throughout the guide, we’ll contextualize Kerner’s claims by providing input from sex experts like Emily Nagoski, supplement his advice with recommendations from other cunnilingus guides, and elaborate on the science behind some of his claims.

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After plateau, the next step is orgasm. Orgasm is when the built-up tension from plateau releases all at once. When orgasm occurs, the vaginal walls contract rhythmically and the woman will experience waves of pleasure for 10-20 seconds on average. Some women release ejaculate—Kerner notes that this is a unique alkaline liquid from the female equivalent of the prostate, not urine.

(Shortform note: Kerner’s 10-20 second estimation of the average female orgasm may actually be on the short end—longer female orgasms can last between 20 seconds and two minutes, and one study showed that 40% of women polled experienced 30-60 second orgasms. Further research shows that, as Kerner explains, some women ejaculate and some don’t—but the statistics on the commonality of female ejaculation aren’t settled—a 2017 study reported that nearly 70% of women ejaculate, while other estimates range from 10% to 50%. And while Kerner claims that female ejaculate is not urine, recent studies show that female ejaculate is mostly urine—the alkaline secretions Kerner mentions make up a marginal percentage of the liquid.)

The final step is resolution—the stage where she returns to a pre-aroused state. Kerner explains that this stage varies greatly between men and women. Women take much longer than men to return to this state, meaning that they remain aroused longer and can have consecutive orgasms. Further, whereas men tend to be tired after orgasm, women tend to want more interaction like talking and cuddling.

The Circular Model of Sexual Response

Resolution is the final stage of the four-phase model. However, Kerner’s explanation of the resolution stage departs from the traditional four-phase model by asserting that women may be able to restart the sexual response process from stage one almost immediately after stage four. This explanation of the resolution phase more closely aligns with the more recent circular model of sexual response.

The circular model proposes four stages of sexual response: seduction (encompassing the triphasic stage of desire), sensations (encompassing the excitement and plateau stages of the four-phase model), surrender (the orgasm stage), and reflection (the resolution stage of the four-phase model). The main differences between the circular model and the four-phase model are that the circular model adds the desire stage before the excitement stage and asserts that a satisfying sexual experience may cause the female resolution phase to lead seamlessly back to stage 1, desire, like Kerner explains.

So while Kerner uses the linear four-phase model to explain the female sexual response process, his explanation of the resolution stage suggests that he actually views the female sexual response process as cyclical, not linear.

How to Achieve Female Orgasm

Now that you understand the basic functions of female sexual anatomy, it’s time to focus on when, how, and where to touch your female partner so you can walk her through each stage of the sexual response process until she reaches orgasm. Kerner breaks this process down into three steps: foreplay, cunnilingus, and after-play.

This section will lay out Kerner’s techniques for how to get her aroused with foreplay, how to make her orgasm with cunnilingus, and how to continue the fun after she orgasms with after-play.

Foreplay

Kerner defines foreplay as everything that comes before clitoral stimulation. He explains that stimulating your female partner before touching her clitoris is necessary because women require anticipation to become properly aroused.

(Shortform note: Kerner says that foreplay—stimulating your partner before touching her clitoris—is fundamental for a sexual encounter because women require anticipation to become properly aroused. This is because whereas sex begins in the body for men, sex begins in the mind for women. This is due to the different levels of testosterone between men and women. Testosterone is the hormone that causes physiological desire and is typically much higher in men than in women. Consequently, women need more mental stimulation—what Kerner calls anticipation—than men to get sufficiently aroused.)

Kerner recommends several techniques to pique her anticipation and arousal:

1. Drop hints throughout the day with sexy messages, phone calls, whispers, and touches.
2. Fantasize together—talk about the things you both crave and incorporate them into your next session. For example, lingerie, restraints, candles, music, and so on.
3. Touch her body tenderly—romantic touches such as stroking her hair, kissing her forehead, or rubbing her feet can increase mental and physical arousal.
4. Touch her body sensually—touching sensual areas like her breasts, nipples, inner thighs, and labia majora once she’s aroused can quickly intensify her anticipation. Kerner adds that using artificial lubrication can help.

Foreplay Is an Ongoing Process

Kerner explains that foreplay can be an extended process that starts to build sexual tension hours before a sexual encounter. This was a newer idea in 2003 when She Comes First was published, as foreplay had previously been considered the sexual activities that come immediately before sex. Since the book’s publication, other sex experts have developed Kerner’s concept of foreplay even further.

While Kerner extended the amount of time the foreplay process lasts before sex, some experts now define foreplay as an ongoing process or cycle that continues throughout a relationship—it begins after the last orgasm, continues until the next one, and then starts again immediately after. This is because instead of conceptualizing foreplay as a set of arousing activities and behaviors that come before sex, as Kerner and many others do, they view foreplay as the mood you live in with your partner and an energy that runs through your relationship.

Whereas Kerner recommends activities that will help you engage in foreplay (sexy hints, fantasizing, tender physicality, and sensual physicality), these experts argue that the best way to practice foreplay is by embracing a specific mindset that shapes how you view your partner and your relationship. If you adopt a playful, inquisitive, and sometimes teasing mindset, it will keep your relationship in a near-constant state of flirtation and anticipation, stave off dullness, and allow you to handle conflict without turning to contempt.

Kerner says sufficient foreplay should last at least 10-15 minutes, and you should wait until her arousal and anticipation have peaked before moving to cunnilingus. However, he notes that the typical indications of arousal like natural vaginal lubrication aren’t always accurate indicators—some women may get wet without being very aroused, and others may be very aroused but not very wet. To more accurately judge when to move to the next step, look for changes in her breathing pattern (like irregular breathing) and tightening of her abdominal muscles.

(Shortform note: Kerner notes that you should engage in foreplay for at least 10-15 minutes before your female partner will be sufficiently aroused, and research seems to mostly corroborate these claims. Researchers asked 152 heterosexual couples to report on how long they wanted foreplay to last and how long their foreplay actually lasted. On average, women wanted 19 minutes of foreplay and reportedly spent 11. Men wanted an average of 18 minutes of foreplay and reportedly spent 13. The average amount of time spent, 12 minutes, falls within Kerner’s 10-15 minute range.)

Cunnilingus

Once your female partner is sufficiently aroused, Kerner says that it’s time to move on to cunnilingus where you’ll build her arousal even further until she orgasms. We can break Kerner’s process down into four major steps: making first contact, establishing rhythm, introducing manual stimulation, and bringing her to orgasm. This process should take anywhere from 15-45 minutes, not including foreplay.

(Shortform note: Kerner explains that cunnilingus is the step where you build your partner’s arousal until she orgasms and that this should take about 15-45 minutes. However, this large window of time may leave some wondering what exactly to expect. Sex experts provide a narrower window based on recent research, explaining that it takes women between six and 20 minutes to orgasm during partnered sex with an average of 14 minutes. So while Kerner’s low-end estimate of 15 minutes is fairly close to the average time needed for women to orgasm with a partner, his high-end estimate of 45 minutes seems a little extreme compared to the 20-minute high-end estimate experts report.)

Step #1: First Contact

Kerner places special emphasis on the moment you first make contact with your partner’s clitoris because this is the moment she’s been anticipating—Kerner calls this the “first kiss.”

The first step in making contact is getting into a comfortable and practical position. Kerner says to avoid any positions that could make things difficult, uncomfortable, or distracting. Instead, she should be on her back with her legs slightly bent and spread just enough for your head to fit between them. You can prop a pillow beneath her neck, head, and buttocks to direct blood flow to her vulva and increase her comfort—the pillow under her buttocks will also make it easier for you to reach her sexual parts.

(Shortform note: While many cunnilingus guides completely overlook this step, sex educators reiterate Kerner’s claim that getting into a position that’s comfortable for her and you is a vital first step. They elaborate that the position Kerner recommends—the woman on her back with pillows behind her neck and under her buttocks—is called “missionary oral.” If you don’t want to use pillows, they explain that you can alternatively have your partner scoot her bum to the edge of the bed to gain clear access to her vulva and vagina.)

Next, give her a final burst of anticipation. You’ll be in position at this point so she knows what’s coming—but make her want it even more. Kiss her inner thighs, outer corners of her vulva, outer lips, and even the top of her clitoral head. Make sure to use short, pursed kisses with no tongue. You can also do this through her panties before removing or pushing them aside for first contact.

(Shortform note: Before the first kiss, Kerner says you should give your partner a final burst of anticipation with pursed kisses on her vulva, potentially through her panties. While Kerner only briefly mentions using panties as a barrier to build anticipation, sex experts highly recommend this step. They also add that before removing her panties, you should ask your partner for her consent to do so. They elaborate that some women might want to keep their panties on throughout cunnilingus, especially if they have a highly sensitive clitoris.)

Then make contact. Your first lick should be a slow and soft one starting at the vaginal entrance, moving lightly over the clitoral head, and ending at the commissure where you should press the clitoral shaft with the tip of your tongue for a moment.

(Shortform note: Other cunnilingus guides agree that it’s important to make sure your first contact is slow and soft. Stimulating the clitoris too aggressively and failing to communicate about how things feel are two of the most common mistakes men make while giving cunnilingus. To avoid these pitfalls, take a slightly different approach to the first kiss: Stimulate the edges of the clitoris—top, bottom, and both sides—and ask your partner how the pressure feels and if she wants more or less.)

Step #2: Rhythm

After you make first contact, start to create a rhythm with your tongue strokes. Kerner emphasizes that it’s important to strike a balance between action and stillness when performing cunnilingus. If you move too fast, you’ll sabotage her anticipation and may overstimulate her, ultimately decreasing arousal.

Rhythm and Orgasm: A Breakthrough Topic

Kerner explains that creating a rhythm is necessary to make your partner orgasm because you must strike a balance between action and stillness to build the arousal and anticipation that leads to orgasm. However, Kerner doesn’t provide any scientific evidence that supports this claim. This lack of evidence is probably because the correlation between rhythmic stimulation and orgasm wasn't explored by scientists until 2016 (12 years after She Comes First was published). So Kerner was actually at the forefront of an entirely new field of study.

Researchers from Northwestern University explain that rhythmic activity causes us to enter a trance-like state where the combination of intense focus and repeated motion forms neural pathways (highways for nerve signals) between different parts of the brain. They theorize that rhythm is what causes orgasm because with each repeated motion, neural pathways are extended and nerve signals reach further and further until the orgasmic threshold is reached. However, research in the area is very limited and this theory has yet to be proven.

Taking this into account, Kerner recommends a system to establish rhythm and increase arousal:

1. Press your tongue against her vulva, break contact for a split second, perform the same long, slow lick from first contact, and repeat for a few minutes.
2. Next, perform half-licks and stop before the clitoral head so that you avoid it and don’t overstimulate her—it should then go back into the hood. You can focus on other regions like the labia, but maintain a rhythm.
3. When the head re-emerges, press the tip of your tongue against it for a long moment at the end of a lick.
4. Repeat steps two and three for a few minutes.

(Shortform note: Kerner’s assertion that rhythm is necessary to achieve orgasm is fairly unique. As such, many cunnilingus guides don’t discuss the importance of rhythm. However, some experts do emphasize the need to provide a break from direct clitoral stimulation. One guide suggests doing this by using the tip of your tongue to stimulate the “underside of the clitoral shaft” with light licks every 10-15 seconds. While this advice both establishes rhythm and occasionally avoids the head to prevent overstimulation, as Kerner suggests, licking the underside of the shaft would be impossible since it’s covered by tissue. This expert may instead be referring to the frenulum, the point below the shaft and directly beneath the head.)

Step #3: Manual Stimulation

Once you’ve established a rhythm that increases her arousal and continues to build anticipation, Kerner says you can introduce manual stimulation with your hands and fingers. You should maintain tongue strokes while doing so.

Kerner recommends introducing manual stimulation gradually. Start by tracing her labia with your fingers, gently pinching them, stimulating the front commissure, tapping the frenulum, and teasing her fourchette and vaginal entrance. Then, slowly insert your index finger about two inches into her vagina and hold it still. Your other free hand should go under her buttocks to keep her in place. You can squeeze them together for a more advanced move.

(Shortform note: Kerner’s recommendations about what to do with your hands—tracing, tapping, and squeezing the areas around the vulva and putting a finger inside her vagina while maintaining your tongue strokes—are echoed across numerous cunnilingus guides. However, some add unique recommendations Kerner doesn’t address. For example, you can gently twist your finger while you slide it in and out of the vaginal entrance. Or, you can pinch her nipples or grasp her hips.)

Once she’s adjusted to your finger, you can curl it up toward her belly button in a “come here” motion and press against the vaginal ceiling with your fingertip—this will stimulate her internal clitoral nerves. Once she’s adjusted, you can insert your middle finger as well. While you do this, you can integrate a more advanced move by pressing your hand to her mons pubis and pushing slightly upward—this will expose the clitoral head and make her more sensitive to your tongue strokes.

(Shortform note: Kerner advises to ramp up your partner’s arousal by manually stimulating her internal and external clitoral nerve simultaneously. However, if your partner takes longer than average to get aroused and orgasm, your tongue and fingers might begin to tire at this point. Luckily, sex experts explain that there are sex toys that can fulfill Kerner’s advice without exhausting you further. Some toys are designed to stimulate either the internal or external clitoral nerves, but there are also toys specifically designed to provide rhythmic internal and external clitoral stimulation simultaneously so you can take a break.)

Kerner recommends a few more advanced moves that you may want to consider integrating at this time:

(1) Switch up your tongue strokes. You can integrate horizontal strokes, diagonal strokes, quick, repetitive strokes, gently suck the clitoral head, or press a flat tongue against her so she can move against you.

(Shortform note: Sex experts agree that you should try out different tongue strokes during cunnilingus, but some of their advice slightly differs from Kerner’s. Like Kerner, they recommend side-to-side strokes (horizontal) and sucking the clitoral head. However, they don’t mention Kerner’s advice to perform quick repetitive strokes, diagonal strokes, or to press a flat tongue against her clitoris and let her move against you. On the other hand, they add a few techniques that Kerner doesn’t mention: Pulsate on one spot, and perform clockwise or counterclockwise circles with your tongue.)

(2) Adjust your fingers. You can add a third finger depending on what’s comfortable for her. You can also use your thumb to stimulate the anus or press her perineum.

(Shortform note: Kerner mentions that some women may enjoy anal and perineal stimulation. Experts elaborate that some women actually prefer stimulation in these spots over clitoral stimulation, and can orgasm from this alone. This is called an anal orgasm. If your partner thinks she may prefer anal stimulation or wants to try having an anal orgasm, experts recommend stimulating the anal region with your tongue, fingers, or toys like anal plugs, beads, or vibrators.)

Step #4: Approaching Orgasm

Kerner says that to bring her toward orgasm, increase pressure on her clitoris and provide her with a point of resistance to increase muscular tension. To do this, press your gums against her front commissure. This will allow you to provide direct pressure to her clitoral head with regular tongue sweeps. It will also create a point of resistance that she can move against to create her own rhythm if she desires. Kerner says you should also place your hand back under her buttocks if you previously removed it—this will keep her in place and provide another point of resistance.

Muscle Tension Is Critical for Female Orgasms

Throughout the guide, Kerner repeats that gradually increasing clitoral stimulation is the key to making a woman orgasm. However, he introduces another vital component to female orgasm in the above section: muscular tension. While Kerner briefly discusses the importance of muscular tension and providing your partner with points of resistance, he doesn’t fully elaborate on why tension is so important and where the main tension points are.

Experts elaborate that women need to tense their muscles to orgasm because it stimulates nerve endings within the muscles (called proprioceptors). This nerve stimulation is then sent to the brain and interpreted as arousal, bringing her closer to orgasm. They add that many women use their buttocks, thighs, and pelvis as orgasm-inducing tension points. While Kerner doesn’t specifically mention the importance of these tension points, his advice to apply points of resistance against the front commissure and buttocks would make it easier for women to increase tension in these hotspots.

Kerner says you must maintain pressure on the clitoral head and internal clitoral nerves as she approaches orgasm. This will make the orgasm more powerful by essentially giving her two orgasms at once—one internally and one externally—called a blended orgasm. The following are indications that she’s about to orgasm: her breathing and heart rate are rapid, her muscles are in a high tension state, her ears and face are flushed, her hands and abdomen are hot, and you can feel her vulva pulsing.

(Shortform note: Kerner claims that since all orgasms come from the clitoris, you should focus on two different parts of the clitoral network to give your partner a stronger, two-front orgasm (called a blended orgasm). However, recent research disproves Kerner’s claim that all orgasms are clitoral, which suggests that there may be other ways to achieve blended orgasms. They elaborate that women can also orgasm from nipple stimulation because it sends signals to the same part of the brain that’s responsible for genital sensations. So instead of focusing solely on the clitoris, you may be able to achieve a blended orgasm through a combination of clitoral head and nipple stimulation.)

Don’t stop your tongue strokes until you know her orgasm is over. During her orgasm, apply light, quick swipes over the clitoral head. Kerner says you’ll know she’s orgasming when her vagina contracts and releases repeatedly, her muscles are tensing and releasing, her breathing and heart rate have soared, and (with some women) she ejaculates clear fluid. You’ll know she’s done when she’s come to a complete stop and recoils from your tongue.

(Shortform note: Kerner recommends continuing your tongue strokes throughout your partner’s orgasm to ensure that you’re giving her a complete experience. This tip is important to keep in mind as men often get distracted and rush through their partner’s orgasm with the expectation that she’ll perform oral sex on them next. Many women report having had this experience and deem it one of the biggest turn-offs.)

After-Play

Kerner explains that women can orgasm repeatedly, so once she’s achieved her first orgasm, you can move on to other forms of sexual play that will make you orgasm as well. However, before moving on, give her a few minutes to cool down. To do this, return to foreplay activities—kiss her, embrace, and share soft touches.

(Shorform note: While Kerner says your partner will need a short cool-down period before being ready for sexual stimulation again, experts explain that this isn’t the case for all women. While most women do need a short refractory period, some are able to have something called “rolling orgasms”—these are orgasms that lead seamlessly into one another. So rather than moving on to focus on other parts of her body after her orgasm, she may want you to maintain clitoral stimulation.)

When she’s back to her aroused state, you can move on to other forms of play such as penetration. Kerner says certain positions can improve her likelihood of having another orgasm, such as having her on top facing you. This will press her clitoral head against your pubic bone and stimulate her internal clitoral nerves with your penis.

(Shortform note: While vaginal penetration is a great way to produce multiple orgasms after cunnilingus, experts recommend a few other options. For example, you may want to try anal penetration—this will stimulate the penis while providing a different form of stimulation to your partner. You can also try exaggerating your breathing or syncing your breathing with your partner’s.)

When your session is over, make sure to give your female partner proper aftercare. Whereas men are usually tired after orgasm and want to sleep, women want to maintain intimacy. To sustain and deepen your sexual relationship, spend 10-15 minutes cuddling or talking.

(Shortform note: Kener says that to continue having good sex in the future, you should cuddle, talk, and spend some time together after your session. While after-care is important and you don’t need to hop out of bed immediately, experts note a few more post-sex tasks that are necessary if you want to have good sex in the future. (1) Clean up—wash your hands, genitals, and any sex toys you used. This will prevent possible infections that can make sex painful. (2) Go pee—bacteria can enter your urethra during sex and cause uncomfortable infections. (3) Wear loose clothing—tight clothing can create a moist, warm environment where bacteria like yeast thrives.)