PDF Summary:Set Boundaries, Find Peace, by Nedra Glover Tawwab

In Set Boundaries, Find Peace, therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab details how you can transform your relationships by learning to set healthy boundaries, which are standards for how you’d like to be treated. Tawwab explains where your boundaries come from and offers strategies for identifying and communicating your boundaries in a variety of situations.

In our guide, we’ll first focus on defining what healthy boundaries look like. Then, we’ll offer a step-by-step process you can follow to identify, communicate, and reinforce your boundaries. We’ll focus on a few types of relationships in which many people struggle to set boundaries. Finally, we’ll discuss the ways others may violate your boundaries, offering suggestions for how you can respond when violations occur. We’ll also compare Tawwab’s work to other psychological approaches to relationships, as well as offer more tools you can use to set healthy boundaries.

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Tawwab recommends that you take time to rest and let difficult emotions settle after communicating boundaries. It’s important to give yourself a break after setting boundaries because communicating boundaries can be difficult and uncomfortable, especially if you’re new to it. Taking time to eat a comforting meal, read a book, or chat with a friend are all things that can help you decompress after setting boundaries.

(Shortform note: In addition to the emotional benefits of rest, taking adequate time to de-stress has been shown to improve decision-making and general cognitive functioning. By taking time to rest after difficult conversations, you ensure that you’ll be your sharpest self for any follow-up conversations or future boundary-setting decisions.)

Set Boundaries With Yourself

In addition to helping you relate better to others, setting boundaries can also be a useful tool for self-improvement. Tawwab notes that by setting boundaries with yourself in areas such as finance, social media usage, and time management, you can break free from bad habits and begin forming new ones.

(Shortform note: Some experts believe that setting financial boundaries for yourself can help affirm your self-worth. These experts argue that by placing limits on your spending, you make a conscious choice to value your own happiness over the pursuit of material possessions. And, as a result of the choice to spend more responsibly, you’re likely to feel better about yourself. This leads to a virtuous cycle, where the less you focus on materialistic concerns, the better you feel about yourself, and vice versa.)

Setting boundaries with yourself involves exercising the discipline to be able to say no to yourself. For example, imagine trying to finish a key work assignment while your family group chat is in the middle of a heated argument. By setting a boundary with yourself to avoid looking at your phone until your assignment is finished, you’ll be able to work free from distractions.

(Shortform note: In addition to exercising discipline, you should also treat yourself compassionately as you learn to set boundaries with yourself. Like anyone else, you’ll struggle and make mistakes as you adjust to new boundaries. It will naturally take some time for you to break from habits, and accepting this can help keep you from becoming discouraged and unmotivated.)

Step 3: Take Action to Reinforce Your Boundaries

The final step in the process of setting boundaries is reinforcing your boundaries through action. Specifically, Tawwab recommends that you restate your boundaries so that others know you’re serious, and set consequences for boundary violations.

Tawwab argues that restating your boundaries is just as important as initially communicating them. It’s important to repeat your boundaries because people need to hear a piece of information many times in order to internalize it and make necessary adjustments. In addition to helping others internalize your boundaries, repetition lets others know that you’re serious about your boundaries, and that they haven’t changed since the last time you spoke.

Repetition Is an Interdisciplinary Communication Tool

The kind of repetition that Tawwab recommends for reinforcing boundaries can also be a useful tool for communication in other areas of your life. In the business world, experts describe how repetitively communicating helps keep workplace teams on the same page. Especially in a modern remote workplace, where employees may clock in on different days and from different time zones, communicating information multiple times can help ensure that nobody misses out on important information.

In addition to helping keep employees on the same page, repetitive communication can be an important tool for strengthening your organization’s values and identity. In The Four Obsessions of an Extraordinary Executive, author Patrick Lencioni argues that having frequent conversations about your company’s values can help employees feel a sense of camaraderie and purpose in their work. In both business and boundary-setting contexts, repetition helps people internalize important information.

As with communicating your boundaries, the best time to restate boundaries is when violations occur. While it can be tempting, don’t let things slide even once, as this sends the impression that your boundaries aren’t serious and don’t always apply.

(Shortform note: When correcting unwanted behaviors, some authors suggest that taking a positive approach to the conversation will make it easier for the other person to accept your boundaries. Avoid scolding the other person; instead, express your confidence in them, and encourage them to do better next time.)

Finally, Tawwab notes that you should decide in advance what to do if someone continues to violate your stated boundaries. This may include consequences. Consequences can feel mean, but they often help others to understand that you’re serious about your boundaries. And, even if others choose not to adjust to your boundaries, consequences can also protect you from further harm and discomfort.

For example, suppose your boss routinely asks you to work weekends, despite the fact that your contract specifies you’ll have time off on Saturdays and Sundays. When stating your boundaries, you could include as a consequence that when asked to work on the weekend, you won’t respond and won’t come in. Even if your boss refuses to respect your boundaries and continues to pester you, this consequence protects your boundaries and your time.

Natural Consequences as a Boundary-Setting Tool

If you’re struggling to identify fair consequences for boundary violations, consider taking advantage of natural consequences. Originally a parenting concept, natural consequences are exactly what they sound like—unwanted outcomes that result from someone’s choices. Parenting experts argue that you should allow children to experience the natural consequences of their behaviors whenever possible, as it gives them the opportunity to learn from their mistakes firsthand.

In a boundary-setting context, natural consequences hold similar advantages. They help the other person directly learn from their mistake, without you having to engage in punishment. Consider the previous example, in which your boss asks you for extra help on the weekends. By refusing to go in on weekends, you set a natural consequence. Instead of attempting to discipline your boss, you simply allow him to experience the results of his own scheduling and staffing errors.

How Not to Set Boundaries—Communication Patterns to Avoid

As opposed to the healthy, effective methods for communicating and reinforcing boundaries we’ve covered, many people use passive aggression, aggression, and manipulation to communicate their needs. Whether or not they realize it, everyone exhibits these behaviors at times—even you. This isn’t because we’re bad, selfish people, but rather because boundary-setting is difficult, especially if you’ve never been taught to do it. Unfortunately, these common tendencies don’t help us maintain healthy relationships. Because of this, Tawwab recommends that you look out for these patterns and avoid them.

Avoid Passive Communication

In addition to the three negative communication patterns Tawwab outlines, some authors list a fourth negative pattern: passive communication. Passive communicators usually don’t see their own needs as important. Because of this, passive communicators almost never share their needs with others. Instead, they prefer to focus on meeting the needs of others in their relationships.

In the long run, passive communication isn’t an effective strategy for building fulfilling relationships. Without knowing how you feel and what you need, the people in your life won’t have the information they need to be good to you, and you deny them the chance to get to know you more intimately.

As Tawwab describes, passive aggression involves doling out consequences for violations without first taking time to communicate your boundaries. It can be easy to fall into this pattern—when someone does something you don’t like, many people find it natural to sulk or retaliate. However, behaving passive-aggressively usually doesn’t help you get your needs met because the other person won’t know what they’ve done wrong or how to do better until you tell them.

(Shortform note: If you’re struggling to avoid passive-aggression, it may be worth talking to a therapist about it. Mental health professionals note that passive-aggression sometimes presents as a symptom of untreated mental illness. If your passive-aggression is related to mental illness, seeking treatment may make it easier for you to cut down on communicating this way.)

Aggression is exactly what it sounds like—getting upset and raising your voice, shaming people, and picking fights in response to unwanted behaviors. While aggressive communication can help you get your point across, it will also make others afraid of you and may even make them retreat from the relationship entirely. Because of these damaging effects, Tawwab argues that aggression isn’t an effective tool for maintaining relationships.

(Shortform note: While Tawwab argues that aggression isn’t generally a good communication tool, other authors argue that aggressive communication can be helpful in certain situations. If you’re in a situation that you’re worried might become dangerous, taking aggressive action may help you to exit the situation quickly.)

Finally, manipulation involves using indirect methods to try to get what you want without directly communicating your boundaries. Often, Tawwab argues, manipulators try to use guilt to get other people to do what they want. Just like aggression, manipulation makes other people feel fearful and uncomfortable, and it may cause people to resent you or leave relationships with you. Because of this, manipulation ultimately isn’t a very useful communication tool.

(Shortform note: Because manipulators try to control situations subtly and indirectly, it can be difficult to recognize manipulation in your relationships. For instance, in addition to overt behaviors such as bullying and insults, manipulation can include subtle methods, such as a refusal to engage in conflict, as well as “love bombing.” In Why Does He Do That?, Lundy Bancroft explains that “love bombing” is a pattern of behavior in which a manipulative person offers excessive affection at the beginning of a relationship to win you over. Then, they withhold their affection in an attempt to gain leverage over you. If one of your relationships falls into this pattern, it may be a sign that you’re being manipulated.)

As an example, suppose you’re feeling overburdened at work, and one of your coworkers approaches you to ask if you can handle a challenging project for them. The healthiest option would be to immediately and explicitly state your boundaries, saying something like “I appreciate that you’re having a difficult time, but I can’t help you with this project.” On the other hand, if you choose to manipulate your coworker instead of directly expressing your boundaries, you might lie and say that you heard management was disappointed in your coworker's lack of initiative. While this behavior might convince your coworker to finish the project on their own, you’d probably also make your coworker upset, especially if they found out you lied to them.

Common Problem Areas for Boundary-Setting

Now that we know how to identify and set boundaries, let’s look at some specific contexts that can make boundary-setting more difficult. Specifically, Tawwab notes that it’s common to struggle with setting boundaries with loved ones and at work. We’ll look into both of these situations below and provide strategies to help you set boundaries in these complicated contexts.

(Shortform note: Tawwab offers recommendations for setting boundaries with loved ones and at work, but sometimes you may encounter someone who makes boundary-setting difficult outside of those contexts. When communicating boundaries with a difficult person, experts recommend focusing on yourself and your personal limits, and not on the other person. When you focus on yourself in the conversation, the other person is less likely to feel confronted. In turn, they’ll be more receptive than if you begin the conversation by criticizing their behavior.)

Setting Boundaries With Loved Ones

According to Tawwab, it’s normal to experience difficulty setting boundaries with your loved ones. Because your loved ones have probably known you for quite a while, they’ve likely become attached to routine ways of interacting with you. When you try to change these longstanding routines, loved ones often struggle to adjust, as they may fear that your new boundaries will create distance in the relationship. As a result of this uneasiness, it may take them some time to adjust to your new boundaries.

(Shortform note: It’s especially common to experience boundary issues with your loved ones after getting married. Parents often struggle with feeling relatively uninvolved in their children’s lives, as those children try to juggle the demands of both sets of in-laws. If you’re recently married and struggling to set boundaries with your parents, remember that they’re likely feeling insecure, and do your best to remind your parents that they’re important to you as you set your boundaries. And, if you’re the parent of a newly married person, remember that your child now has more responsibilities to balance than ever before, and do your best to give them the space they need to adjust.)

Communicate in Advance

To help give your loved ones the time they need to adjust their expectations, begin communicating your boundaries as far in advance as possible rather than waiting until a boundary violation happens, especially if you know an important occasion is coming up.

(Shortform: The idea that it’s best to communicate potentially upsetting information as soon as possible isn’t unique to boundary-setting. In the world of public relations, firms often prepare to respond quickly to potential crises, because prompt, forthright communications help reassure consumers. By contrast, waiting to issue a statement allows time for the public to spread and dwell on negative rumors.)

In particular, this can be helpful when setting boundaries around holiday travel. If you decide not to attend a family gathering, let everyone know as soon as you can. By communicating this information early on, you give your family time and space to come to terms with things. On the other hand, the longer you wait to express your boundaries, the more time your family will have to get excited to see you, which will deepen their disappointment if you cancel at the last minute.

(Shortform note: When setting boundaries around holiday travel, be honest with your loved ones and attentive to their feelings, in addition to communicating in advance. It’s important to be honest with them about why you can’t make it home, because it helps them to respect your decision. If you make up an excuse, you risk being caught in a lie, which will hurt everyone’s feelings and damage your relationships. Similarly, it’s important to hear and acknowledge your loved ones’ feelings about holiday travel. Taking the time to listen will reassure them that you care for them, regardless of how you choose to spend your holidays.)

Communicate Explicitly

Additionally, Tawwab notes that it’s easy to assume that you don’t need to communicate your boundaries to your loved ones because they know you well enough to understand how you’d like to be treated without having to be told. However, friends, partners, and family members can’t read minds, which means that, as always, it’s best to explicitly state your boundaries with them, regardless of how close your relationships are. Clearly setting expectations in these relationships not only helps you avoid discomfort, it also helps your loved ones meet your expectations and make you happy, which is almost always what they want.

(Shortform note: Psychological research backs up Tawwab’s assertion that loved ones don’t always know how we feel. Recent research suggests that romantic partners are good at knowing when you’re happy, but struggle to recognize when you’re feeling upset. Unfortunately, knowing when we’re happy isn’t much use in boundary-setting situations, as you’ll most often need to set boundaries in response to situations that make you upset. As the research suggests, loved ones won’t know you’re uncomfortable until you tell them.)

Another hurdle for setting boundaries with loved ones is the temptation to let small infractions slide to avoid conflict with the people you love. While it’s natural to want to spare your loved ones’ feelings, you can damage relationships by refusing to speak up. If you don’t speak up about behaviors that make you uncomfortable, others will naturally believe you’re okay with those behaviors and will continue unknowingly upsetting you.

(Shortform note: When addressing infractions with loved ones, it’s important that you take time to understand your own feelings. If you’ve let things slide in a close relationship and resentment has started to build, you may find yourself getting upset about completely benign behaviors, due to your general frustration. Figure out what you’re really upset about before you bring your concerns to your loved ones. When you know your feelings, you’ll be able to clearly express them to the other person. By contrast, if you bring a disorganized tangle of frustrations to a loved one, they’ll find it difficult to understand what you really need.)

Because of this, Tawwab argues that you should always speak up when your needs aren’t being met in your close relationships. Speaking up immediately when your loved ones make you uncomfortable allows them to learn from the mistake and prevents resentment from forming.

(Shortform note: As you attempt to bring up your concerns as soon as possible, be sure you pick an appropriate time to have boundary conversations. If the other person is busy with work, family, or friends, it’s probably not a good time to start a difficult conversation, as the other person won’t be able to give you their full attention. Instead, try and pick a comfortable time and location, in which both of you have time to share your feelings and decompress afterward.)

Set Boundaries Around Supporting Friends

According to Tawwab, a common pattern in friendships is that one person ends up providing more emotional support than they’re comfortable with. Naturally, people complain to their friends about relationships, family, and work, but sometimes, friends can get carried away and unload too many emotions on one another.

(Shortform note: It’s especially important to set boundaries when a friend is struggling with something that’s particularly upsetting for you to engage with. When you’re personally affected by the discussion of a specific subject, it can be difficult to provide support without exhausting yourself or becoming upset. For instance, if you’re the child of an alcoholic, it may be distressing for you to revisit those memories when offering support to a friend struggling with alcohol abuse. In these situations, it’s best to acknowledge that you’re not able to offer the support that your friend needs. That way, they’ll be able to look elsewhere for the support they need, and you’ll be able to continue the friendship without draining yourself.)

If a friend is asking for more support than you can give, it’s best for the relationship if you speak up immediately. While setting boundaries with friends can lead to feelings of guilt, in the long run, the relationship will be better off for it. By speaking up and setting boundaries, you enable the other person to be a better friend to you.

(Shortform note: If you experience guilt after setting boundaries with friends, it’s important to remember that you’ve not only done what’s best for the relationship, you’ve also done what’s best for you. By setting boundaries, you avoid pouring out too much energy supporting friends. And, when you have more energy, you’ll be able to function better, both for yourself and in your relationships.)

Setting Boundaries at Work

Tawwab argues that it’s especially important to explicitly state your boundaries in the workplace because your coworkers may not always know you intimately—coworkers whom you aren’t close to won’t know how you’d like to be treated until you tell them. Just like with loved ones, it’s best to communicate explicitly with your coworkers regardless of how close your relationships with them are. Give your coworkers the chance to respect you by communicating your boundaries in the office the same as you would in other relationships.

(Shortform note: Some authors believe that setting boundaries in the workplace can help you avoid burnout. These authors argue that the best way to improve your job satisfaction is to set boundaries and advocate for yourself in your workplace. At many companies, boundary-setting is appreciated, as managers appreciate hearing feedback that helps them manage more effectively.)

Not every workplace conflict can be solved by boundary-setting. If your workplace includes toxic behaviors such as sexual harassment or wage theft, and those behaviors continue even after you communicate your boundaries, you may need to take other actions. Specifically, Tawwab advises that you document misbehavior, reach out to human resources and management (if they’re sympathetic), and consider finding a new job if necessary.

(Shortform note: If you’re faced with toxic behavior at work that can’t be solved by setting boundaries, there are other actions you can take to defend yourself. Specifically, if you believe you’re being discriminated against at work, you can file a claim with a government agency such as the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC). Agencies such as the EEOC exist to ensure that workers are treated fairly and can help you access workplace protections and legal recourse if necessary.)

Boundary Violations

Now that we know how to set healthy boundaries in a variety of contexts, let’s consider what happens when others violate our boundaries.

According to Tawwab, boundary violations often happen as a natural part of the boundary-setting process. Even the most respectful people will take a little time to adjust to new boundaries in a relationship, and in the meantime, they’ll likely slip up and default to old behaviors. While this adjustment period can be painful, violations that occur during this process provide you with an opportunity to reinforce your boundaries, thereby strengthening your relationships in the long run.

(Shortform note: It’s important to recognize the distinction between boundary violations that occur naturally as part of an adjustment process, and violations that occur because the other person doesn’t respect your boundaries. When someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, they’ll bring the subject up again and again, questioning and arguing about your needs. On the other hand, when someone simply slips up, they’ll tend to react more apologetically, recognizing their own mistake.)

In addition to honest mistakes, Tawwab reiterates that people may push back against your boundaries because they’re afraid that their relationship with you will change or end. Reasserting your boundaries without backing away from the relationship can help the other person feel more secure, which may lead them to push back against your boundaries less.

(Shortform note: Pushback against boundaries can often take subtle forms, such as people taking a rude or aggressive tone of voice when they don’t respect your boundaries. While it can be tempting to ignore subtle pushback, it’s best to address the situation immediately to avoid having to deal with continued pushback.)

Not all boundary violations are equal. Some violations are relatively minor, causing only slight distress, while others are more major, causing more intense harm and requiring a more drastic response. We’ll define both minor and major violations below, and provide strategies for responding when your boundaries are violated.

Minor Violations

According to Tawwab, minor violations are mild, everyday occurrences that are more annoying than they are distressing. These kinds of violations won’t ruin your day or your week, but they are noticed and felt.

(Shortform note: While major and minor boundary violations differ in severity, minor violations can still cause serious harm, and should be taken seriously. For instance, while they may be minor compared to other forms of aggression, subtle racial remarks known as microaggressions can negatively impact the mental health of their targets. When you’re repeatedly subjected to microaggressions, you may become depressed and experience diminished cognitive function and productivity. Thus, these minor violations are worth setting boundaries around.)

For example, suppose you set a boundary with a close friend, stating clearly that you can’t lend them money anymore. The next week, when you’re going to see a movie together, they ask to borrow a few dollars to buy popcorn with. While this mild boundary violation won’t put you out much, it’s still a violation and will likely still cause you some degree of annoyance.

Major Violations

On the other hand, major violations are serious breaches of trust that directly harm you and your relationship. According to Tawwab, these kinds of violations hurt deeply, and may require you to take drastic action to protect yourself.

To return to our prior example, suppose that you have the same friend over for dinner later that week. The next morning, while getting dressed, you realize that a necklace your grandmother gave you is missing. It turns out that your friend took the necklace and pawned it for cash. Given that the necklace was of significant sentimental and material value, this major violation makes you extremely upset and forces you to reconsider your friendship.

(Shortform note: Major boundary violations often involve power imbalances that make it difficult for you to safely address them. For example, a negative comment about your appearance from a stranger probably won’t seriously impact your life, no matter how you choose to respond to it. However, if a person in a position of power over you, such as a landlord, a professor, or an employer makes an inappropriate comment, it’ll likely cause a greater degree of stress, as you’ll risk more if you decide to stand up to them.)

How to Respond to Boundary Violations

When a major or minor boundary violation occurs, Tawwab recommends that you immediately reassert your boundary. If you’re not okay with how someone is treating you, speak up immediately. If you experience a major violation and the other person continues behaving in a way that makes you uncomfortable after you reassert your boundary, you may need to leave the situation altogether.

If boundary violations become frequent in one of your relationships, Tawwab suggests limiting your interactions with the person in question. Finding ways to limit time spent with people who don’t respect your boundaries can be an especially useful tool when you don’t have the option to leave the situation completely. In these situations, limiting the amount of time you spend interacting with the offending person can minimize your discomfort.

(Shortform note: Sometimes, people who repeatedly violate your boundaries do so in an attempt to get a response from you, much like a playground bully. If you’re dealing with a bully, it can be helpful to ignore that person entirely. By refusing to argue or engage, you deny them the satisfaction of knowing they’ve made you upset, which will make them less likely to try the same tactic in the future.)

For example, suppose you have a manager at work who makes inappropriate comments about your appearance. Even though you’ve talked to him about it, he refuses to listen, and because you need the income from your job, you can’t just stop showing up. In this situation, one option would be to limit your interactions with this manager, asking to be scheduled on different days, and working on separate projects whenever possible.

As we have mentioned, when you experience frequent major boundary violations, you may sometimes need to leave the relationship entirely. Tawwab believes that cutting people out should be a last resort—because it may not be possible to ever return to the relationship, you should only cut someone out when they leave you no other options.

(Shortform note: If you’re struggling to decide whether to remove someone from your life, experts recommend considering whether interacting with someone makes you happy. If interacting with someone consistently leaves you feeling unhappy and uncomfortable, it’s probably not worth continuing the relationship.)

Lastly, Tawwab stresses that you should try not to blame yourself when your boundaries are violated. Instead, take pride in the fact that you’re doing the hard work of setting and reasserting your boundaries. No matter how much effort you put into setting healthy boundaries, some people may still choose not to respect them. When someone chooses to behave in a way that makes you uncomfortable, it reflects negatively on their character, and not on yours.

(Shortform note: Part of setting boundaries is learning to accept that you can’t control other people. No matter how much effort you apply, you simply can’t force others to change. Instead, spend that energy thinking about how you’d like to handle things going forward, and what actions you can take to better protect your own boundaries.)