PDF Summary:Quit Like a Woman, by Holly Whitaker

If the only alcohol addiction recovery program you’ve ever heard of is Alcoholics Anonymous, if you think drinking is normal and even healthy, and if you think alcoholism is a disease suffered by an unfortunate few, long-term recovering alcoholic Holly Whitaker is here to set the record straight. In Quit Like a Woman, Whitaker contends that we as a society see alcohol, addiction, and recovery all wrong—that is, exclusively through a masculine, patriarchal lens. This means we misunderstand what addiction is, what causes it, and how to treat it, especially for women.

Whitaker offers an alternative take on alcohol addiction. She explains how alcohol is always bad for you and how alcohol companies perpetuate the belief that you should be able to enjoy alcohol in moderation. She also offers a glimpse into her own journey to sobriety and presents a feminine, holistic approach to recovery. We’ll supplement Whitaker’s ideas with further research into addiction and alcohol marketing and tips to help you implement her advice.

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Perez provides evidence of other modern-day male-centric systems and products: Crash-test dummies are designed based on the male physique and therefore don’t help car companies design cars that protect women. What’s more, pharmaceutical companies don’t test new drugs on women because their hormones fluctuate throughout the month based on their menstrual cycle, and this extra variable makes it harder to judge the effectiveness of the drug.

Part 3: The Real Cause of Alcoholism: Inner Wounds

Now that we’ve covered the lies about alcohol and alcoholism, let’s look at what Whitaker feels to be a more common cause of alcoholism than the generally assumed genetic basis for addictive behavior. While some people do have a biological predisposition to addiction, addiction is also a symptom of inner suffering that can arise in response to the challenges of existing in a patriarchal, capitalist society.

Whitaker explains that when you’ve suffered trauma, had a difficult upbringing, are societally oppressed or marginalized, have mental health issues, don’t have a strong support network, or suffer from other inner pain, you’re more likely to turn to outside sources—drugs, alcohol, shopping, and so on—for the comfort and validation you can’t give yourself. For instance, you might eat excessively to make yourself feel better about a bad test grade you know your parents will punish you for, or you might drink to numb the pain of a workplace microaggression.

Additional Factors Contributing to Alcohol Addiction

Whitaker focuses on the psychological pain that can set the scene for alcohol addiction while acknowledging that other factors contribute to an addiction—such as the above-mentioned genetic predisposition. Let’s look at some of those other factors: One is the school and peers a person grew up around. If a teen spends time with other teens who drink, they’re more likely to drink. Teens with social difficulties may also view alcohol as a way to socialize more easily and therefore drink more.

Similarly, if someone started drinking at an early age because parents or older siblings made alcohol easily accessible, that person is more likely to develop alcohol problems later in life.

The above two factors occur early in life, yet factors that push someone toward alcohol can also crop up in adulthood. Work and money troubles can turn alcohol into an escape for adults. Even having a stable yet stressful job can increase the likelihood that someone drinks to unwind or destress. As Whitaker asserts, addiction is a complex condition with many possible causes that vary between people.

When you repeatedly use an outside substance to cope with inner pain, you reinforce a neurological cycle of addiction to that substance, continues Whitaker: Outside sources of pleasure trigger the release of dopamine, the happiness hormone. Then, the substance triggers the subsequent release of glutamate, which makes you remember how happy the addictive substance made you feel so you’ll want to take it again. When this cycle repeats for long enough, you come to believe the pleasurable substance is not only enjoyable but necessary for survival, and you prioritize it over true survival needs, like finding nourishment, procreating, and defending yourself. You thus become addicted, concludes Whitaker.

(Shortform note: The neurological process Whitaker describes may become even more destructive and worsen your addiction if you have reward deficiency syndrome (RDS). When you have RDS, you have fewer dopamine receptors than other people. This means you don’t get the same level of pleasure as others from the same thing—for instance, a piece of cake—and must consume more of the substance to get a significant hit of pleasure—say, an entire cake. Your brain then still releases glutamate to make you remember how pleasurable the entire cake was. You thus become addicted but need a particularly high quantity of the substance to feel pleasure, which will likely have adverse health effects.)

The Solution: Heal Your Inner Wounds to Recover From Your Addiction

Because of how addiction starts, we shouldn’t focus on treating the addiction itself, but rather on healing the inner wounds that give rise to the addiction, claims Whitaker. In the next sections, we’ll cover Whitaker’s approach to this.

(Shortform note: Treating a root cause, rather than symptoms, is an approach applied not only to psychology but also to problem-solving in business. The “Five Whys” technique—in which you repeatedly ask “why” a problem occurs until you get to the root of the problem—is a way to move past symptoms to their cause and could be applied to the process of uncovering the wounds that gave rise to your addiction.)

Part 4: The Five Facets of Whitaker’s Approach to Recovery

Whitaker breaks her recovery approach into five facets, which we’ll explore below. She stresses that this type of recovery isn’t linear and goal-oriented, like AA. Rather, it’s a journey and as much about discovering yourself as getting sober. Further, your journey will be unique to you, and you must explore and move along it in the best way for you.

(Shortform note: As you begin your recovery journey, it might help to dig into your psyche and personality to understand how you might best pursue recovery and what your potential roadblocks will be. Consider answering some basic questions about yourself to pinpoint where you feel safest, what provides you with comfort, and what part of yourself you’re most critical of, for instance.)

Facet #1: Be Kind to Yourself

Whitaker argues that one of the most important facets of your recovery journey is to learn to be kind to yourself to heal your inner wounds. Only when you’re gentle and forgiving with yourself, rather than severe and punitive, will you be able to stop suffering permanently. Let’s look at several aspects of practicing kindness toward yourself.

See Yourself as Inherently Good and Worthy

View yourself as innately good and worthy of happiness and fulfillment, insists Whitaker. When you see yourself as broken and unworthy, you’ll beat yourself up when you misstep, and this negativity will only turn you more to the substances you’re trying to avoid.

Understand that to recover and build a fulfilling life free from addiction, you don’t need to remove, suppress, or hide parts of yourself, writes Whitaker: You’re good just as you are. Instead, find the right tools, systems, and structures that allow you to thrive.

Learning to Be Kind to Yourself Through Radical Acceptance

Whitaker advises seeing yourself as innately good but doesn’t provide guidance on how to develop this loving view of yourself. One way you can cultivate self-love is through Tara Brach’s concept of Radical Acceptance, which she describes in her book by the same name.

Radical Acceptance is the process of accepting your current circumstances, feelings, and physical state, even—or especially—if they’re negative. You can do this by first understanding what specifically the feeling or circumstance is—for instance, that you’re feeling left out of your social group because you no longer drink. Once you’ve recognized it, approach that feeling or circumstance with kindness and tenderness. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling left out: Tell yourself it’s okay to feel that way because all humans seek connection.

Practicing Radical Acceptance—accepting and appreciating every part of yourself—opens the door to perceiving your innate goodness, as Whitaker recommends.

Understand Your Inner Wounds

Additionally, seek to understand what inner wounds you’ve used addictive substances to try to heal, advises Whitaker. Inner wounds can result from extreme events like assaults, exposure to warfare, childhood neglect, and so on. They can also come from the less acute negative events that occur on a daily basis, like being yelled at by your boss or broken up with. When you understand your inner hurt, you can treat yourself more kindly because you know why you engage in negative or self-destructive behaviors—you don’t think it’s simply an inherent weakness you must stamp out.

(Shortform note: Whitaker recommends understanding your inner wounds to heal yourself. But is there a way to prevent inner wounds from happening in the first place? The answer to this question might be to develop resilience. You can do this by confronting things you fear before they have a chance to wound you. For instance, if you fear being broken up with and suspect this would create an inner wound, consider having a conversation with your partner about this preemptively. You can gauge their feelings and explain your own, thereby reducing the chance of a breakup—or of it seriously hurting you if it does happen.)

Be Willing and Committed, Nothing More

Whitaker asserts that you can further be kind to yourself by simply committing and being willing to recover. “Committing” implies you’re independently choosing to pursue sobriety and that if you accidentally veer from that path, you can get back on it with no further negative consequences. Similarly, being “willing” implies that you don’t have to know exactly how to recover but that you’re open to discovering. Both framings allow for slips (which are human and inevitable) and inexperience (which is also natural).

(Shortform note: In You Are A Badass, Jen Sincero frames the recommendation to be committed and willing to recover (without knowing precisely how to do so) in more spiritual terms. In her view, being committed and willing is tantamount to putting your wants and needs into the universe so the universe can send them to you. Thus, if you communicate to the universe that you want to recover, it will show you how to do so without your having to know. However, Sincero does follow this up by insisting that you not only put your desires into the universe but that you also take action to bring them about. You might simply take whatever action seems appropriate and let the universe continue to guide you.)

Trust That You Know What’s Best for You

Trust your instincts about how to best recover, stresses Whitaker. You know yourself and your needs better than anyone else, so give yourself permission to trust your gut, even when doing so goes against the norm. You should consider the expert advice of therapists and other guides, but always run their advice past your own internal judge before implementing it.

For instance, if your friends tell you to avoid bars at all costs, but you feel instinctively that you can go to bars and not drink, then do that. Conversely, if people tell you you should find a full-time job right away to get your life back on track, but your gut tells you that’s not the right move for you, listen to your gut.

Similarly, Whitaker emphasizes that you can trust that your version of sobriety is correct. Not everyone will define a sober lifestyle in the same way, and some will tell you you’re not truly sober if you take painkillers when necessary or occasionally do recreational drugs, for instance. Don’t listen to these people. Pursue the sobriety that will make you feel empowered and fulfilled.

The Pitfalls of Trusting Your Instincts

While Whitaker stresses the importance of trusting your gut, your gut can lead you to make choices that don’t maximize your happiness and comfort. This is because what we perceive as instincts can sometimes be unrecognized cognitive biases.

One cognitive bias is that we give more credence to the first information we receive on a subject and less to subsequent and potentially contradictory information. Say you heard years ago that the only way to fully recover is to go to rehab, but you recently learned you can also take your recovery into your own hands. Your “instinct” will likely still be to check yourself into rehab even though healing yourself independently might be the more appropriate choice for you. It may be best to pay equal attention to your gut and your advisors. They can provide advice that goes against your instincts but that ultimately makes you happier.

Let Yourself Feel Emotions Without Self-Judgment

Whitaker further recommends that you allow yourself to feel emotions, positive or negative, without suppressing them or judging yourself for having them. This lets you cope healthily with the emotion rather than having it consume you and ultimately drive you back to addictive behavior.

For instance, if you feel envious of your friend who’s just purchased a car while you struggle to get out of your gambling debt, allow yourself to feel that envy without self-judgment. This way, you can work through your envy and let it pass, rather than suppressing it and having it emerge in destructive ways, like through further gambling or vindictive actions toward your friend.

(Shortform note: Tara Brach provides a reason to fully process and accept how you feel that lies outside the sphere of addiction recovery: Doing so lets you notice when you’re trapped in unhelpful thought patterns and free yourself from them, she writes in Radical Acceptance. For instance, if you find yourself becoming angry with yourself for not finishing all your work by the end of the day, you can counter those negative feelings with positive, self-loving thoughts.)

Facet #2: Form New, Good Habits to Replace Old, Bad Habits

The second facet of recovering is to create positive habits that make you think less about whether to engage in an addictive habit, writes Whitaker. When you automate healthy processes in your daily life that replace old, addictive processes, you reduce the amount of conscious thought you put into them and give yourself less opportunity to even consider engaging in the addictive behavior.

For instance, if you’re trying to overcome a fast food addiction and normally stop by McDonald’s to soothe yourself with food after work, you might form the new habit of stopping by a park on the way home and sitting in the sun. Once you’ve solidified this habit, you won’t have to work so hard to resist McDonald’s because your decision to go to the park will be almost automatic.

Good Habits Help You Combat Cravings

Setting up healthy habits also helps you manage your energy levels so you can cope with cravings when they inevitably arise, argues Whitaker. By creating routines through which you maintain steady energy over the course of the day, you never become so overwhelmed that you crave a depressant (like alcohol) to settle down or so depleted that you don’t have the energy to withstand cravings.

To do this, Whitaker recommends setting up a morning routine that involves meditating, reading a short, inspirational piece of writing, and drinking hot water with lemon—all with your phone off. Similarly, set up an evening routine that provides you with habitual enjoyment to replace the pleasure you’d normally get from an addictive substance: You might have a list of new shows to try or cozy up with a good book.

Applying High-Performance Habits to the Recovery Process

Whitaker recommends establishing concrete daily habits to aid your recovery, but you might also consider adopting some of Brendan Burchard’s high-performance habits, detailed in his book by the same name. These aren’t specific actions (like sitting in a park after work) but rather broader perspective shifts, like searching for clarity, finding your purpose, and being brave. High-performance habits, which Burchard defines as the habits of high achievers, might be well suited to those in recovery because recovering is itself a tremendous achievement requiring great focus and commitment.

In particular, Burchard’s second habit, improving your health, includes recommendations that can help you maintain your energy levels to combat cravings. Unlike Whitaker, he advises addressing your energy on three fronts: mental, emotional, and physical. Whitaker’s proposed morning and evening routines are geared toward mental and emotional health, and Burchard also advises establishing a regular workout regimen and sleeping at least eight hours a night to maintain your physical energy. Establishing these routines will not only boost your energy, but they’ll also help to automate your schedule so you have fewer opportunities to consider giving in to cravings.

Facet #3: Set Up a Sustainable, Self-Protective Lifestyle

The next facet of Whitaker’s recovery strategy is to set up a long-term lifestyle that makes you happy, maintains your mental health, and protects you from people and things that could trigger addictive behaviors. There are five parts to this.

Part 1: Put Yourself First

Whitaker insists that you always put yourself first to ensure you’re giving yourself the support you need. Stop trying to constantly please others (for instance, by responding immediately to all messages or doing someone else’s work for them) because this depletes your energy and erodes your sense of self—two things you need to stay healthy.

(Shortform note: Putting yourself first can feel nearly impossible, which is why it might help to recruit a personal supporter whose goal is to encourage you to prioritize yourself. You can check in with that supporter before you have a difficult conversation with a friend or loved one about your needs. Even after having a difficult conversation, your supporter can remind you how necessary it was to put yourself first in that scenario.)

Instead, set up boundaries that define what you are and are not willing to do for others, writes Whitaker. Sticking to those boundaries means you’ll likely need to start saying “no” a lot. You may feel guilty about this at first, but after a while, both you and those around you will adjust to your boundaries (and those that don’t will leave, to both your benefit).

(Shortform note: In Codependent No More, Melody Beattie provides another reason you need firm boundaries: When you let people get away with behavior you don’t like for too long, you eventually become so upset and anxious about it that you stop tolerating behavior you’d normally find acceptable. You might thus alienate people who want to help and support you but just don’t know your boundaries yet.)

Part 2: Assemble a Set of Tools for Coping With Low Moments

Create a set of 10 healthy coping strategies that help you when you’re feeling down, recommends Whitaker. These can be activities (like yoga and exercise), objects (like comfortable clothes and blankets), or foods (like teas or chocolates). Having these go-to coping strategies enables you to heal yourself without the use of addictive substances.

(Shortform note: Beyond these self-administered coping strategies, it’s likely also advisable to regularly see a therapist. This is because a therapy session gives you the chance to get to the root of your negative thoughts and feelings, rather than simply treating the symptoms with yoga or tea. Further, if you don’t know where to start in assembling a set of self-administered coping tools, a therapist can give you ideas and help you implement them.)

Part 3: Take Care of Your Health

To maintain a healthy lifestyle over the long term, follow the simple, conventional guidelines for healthy living, writes Whitaker: Eat well, sleep well, drink plenty of water, and exercise regularly.

(Shortform note: Tending to your physical health is particularly important in recovery because addictive substances can wreak havoc on your body—for instance, by creating gastrointestinal problems and nutritional deficiencies. You’ll need to treat your body well to first heal any damage and then to thrive in the long term.)

Part 4: Fill Your Life With Other Forms of Fun

Find forms of fun to replace the old, self-destructive ways you had fun, recommends Whitaker. These can be “normal” activities, just without the addictive substance (eating out, going to museums, picnics), childish activities (visiting a theme park, bouncing on a trampoline, goofing around with friends), or spending quality time alone (with a good book, show, or craft).

(Shortform note: In The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin provides advice on how to find activities that will be genuinely fun for you. She first suggests listing activities you currently consider “fun” and asking yourself if they really are enjoyable for you. Then, stop doing anything that’s not actually fun. Additionally, as Whitaker proposes, consider how you used to have fun as a kid, and ask yourself if you can take up any of those activities now.)

Part 5: Engage Constructively With Cravings When They Arise

Whitaker asserts that cravings will arise but that you can cope with a craving by 1) accepting it, 2) ignoring the negative narratives you’ve woven around the craving (such as the belief that you can never resist cravings, that cravings mean you’re weak, and so on), 3) exploring the physical sensations of the craving—for instance a tightness in your chest, clenched fists, or other physical changes, and 4) waiting the craving out by not acting on it.

(Shortform note: In The Willpower Instinct, Kelly McGonigal provides additional context on why we get cravings and why they’re so hard to ignore. She attributes cravings to a psychological phenomenon called ironic rebound: The more you try not to think about something, the more you think about it. Thus, the more you try not to think about having a drink, the more you want the drink—you crave it. McGonigal’s approach to dealing with cravings aligns with Whitaker’s: Because trying to ignore a craving only makes you obsess over it more, it’s more effective to accept the craving and ride it out without acting on it.)

Contrasting Whitaker’s Recovery Process With AA’s

This facet of Whitaker’s recovery process contrasts particularly starkly with AA’s 12 Steps, as outlined in the organization’s core text, The Big Book. Let’s look at the 12 Steps and see how they differ from Whitaker’s approach.

AA’s Steps 1-5: Establish belief in a higher power, and examine and admit your shortcomings. Whitaker doesn’t advocate submitting to a higher power. Instead, she encourages you to develop your inner power and sense of self-worth. She similarly steers clear of asking you to admit shortcomings and instead recommends learning to love and be kind to yourself.

AA’s Steps 6-9: Ask the higher power to remove your shortcomings and make amends to those you’ve harmed. Whitaker proposes instead that there’s nothing innately wrong with you and that it’s the systems you exist in—be they societal or related to your recovery—that aren’t suited to you. She also insists that you forgive yourself for any past wrongdoings before asking for the forgiveness of others.

AA’s Steps 10-12: Continue to right your wrongs, following the higher power’s plan for you, and helping other recovery-seekers. Whitaker also looks to the future but with the aim of continuing to improve your well-being, not continuing to apologize for your mistakes. She also recommends helping others but broadens her net to include anyone suffering from oppression or injustice, not just other alcoholics.

Facet #4: Deal Effectively With Other People

The fourth facet of your recovery journey is learning how to deal effectively with others, writes Whitaker. Navigating relationships as a newly sober person can be difficult because many of them will change now that you’re no longer drinking. Here are some ways Whitaker recommends dealing with new and old relationships.

View Every Relationship and Interaction as a Learning Opportunity

View everyone you encounter along your sobriety journey as a teacher helping you grow, recommends Whitaker. In this way, you can frame difficult people and situations not as obstacles to your happiness, but rather as enablers of your future happiness because they alert you to what you will and won’t tolerate.

(Shortform note: In The Untethered Soul, Michael A. Singer takes Whitaker’s idea of viewing unpleasant people as teachers even further: He claims that when you decide to be happy—which we can see as akin to embarking on a path of recovery—life will actively test your resolve by throwing obstacles in your path. This means life might intentionally make you meet people who try your patience.)

Give Yourself Permission to Change

When you become sober, you’re allowed to change in other, broader ways, assures Whitaker. You don’t owe it to anyone to remain the same person or to continue participating in activities you no longer enjoy. This might mean you lose some of the friends with whom drinking was your main shared activity and other friends who simply can’t be part of your journey—that’s okay. You’ll make new friends, as we’ll discuss next.

Create a Strong Support Network

While Whitaker touts the virtues of spending time alone to get in tune with yourself, she also notes that it’s critical to establish a strong support network because all humans need community and close connections. This should consist of several types of supporters: advisors (mentors, teachers, therapists), other sober people, and intimate friends.

She stipulates that you don’t need a huge support network and indeed warns against feeling that your worth is measured by how many friends you have. However, you must resist the urge to fully isolate yourself during recovery because you believe you need time alone to get back in touch with yourself. While reconnecting with yourself is important, being alone all the time isn’t sustainable or healthy.

Whitaker offers recommendations for how to find new friends in your sobriety: Seek out sober events, workshops, retreats, meetings, and personalities on social media. Additionally, make new friends whose interests and life goals align with yours (for instance, through volunteerism or activism). No matter what, you must take risks to get out there, and it will probably be hard. Be patient: You will eventually find a group of supporters.

Whitaker’s Recovery Approach and Buddhism

Whitaker’s recommendations to let yourself change and create a support network draw heavily on Buddhist thought. In The Art of Happiness, the Dalai Lama describes some of the concepts Whitaker seems to be using. Let’s look at these and highlight the key differences.

Acceptance of Change: The Dalai Lama stresses that to eliminate suffering, you must accept change. However, he focuses more on the acceptance of events around you—death, loss, shifting circumstances—while Whitaker’s advice relates more to your internal states—your preferences and needs. The external changes she mentions (the loss of certain friends, for instance) are merely outcomes of your internal changes, so she focuses more on that internal change.

Support Networks: The Dalai Lama claims, like Whitaker, that all humans need to feel connected to others to be happy. However, he advises establishing many close connections with people from different realms of your life. These can give you different types of support (whereas having only one type of connection—a spouse, for instance—can only give you one type of support). While Whitaker also advises finding different types of supporters, she doesn’t stress quantity as much as the Dalai Lama, who feels you should establish connections as often as possible.

Further, Whitaker provides specific advice on where to seek new friends, but the Dalai Lama feels you can turn virtually anyone into a friend simply by being empathetic and approaching them with compassion. If you can do this, then perhaps making friends won’t be as difficult or take as long as Whitaker suggests it will.

Facet #5: Harness Recovery as a Social Justice Tool

Finally, as you progress through your recovery journey, the new ways you see the world and the critical eye you bring to existing systems (the alcohol industry and our collective belief in the goodness of alcohol, for example) might attune you to broader injustices in the world. As you open your eyes to iniquity and oppression, consider using that knowledge to help catalyze change.

(Shortform note: This advice may seem daunting. There are so many social justice issues—which should you dedicate time toward, how should you support the cause, and how much? If you have the resources, consider making a monetary donation to a cause you care about—this is a simple way to start getting involved. You might also seek out a political campaign you feel strongly about and volunteer for it. Additionally, there are many nonprofits that offer a variety of ways to get involved, like through public events and at local offices. Finally, you might become involved in your local government by volunteering at polling places and canvassing.)