PDF Summary:Polysecure, by Jessica Fern

Ever wondered how to thrive in a multiple-partner relationship while feeling secure and connected? In Polysecure, psychologist Jessica Fern explores the importance of healthy attachment or bonding in polyamorous relationships. She offers a roadmap to becoming “polysecure”—feeling healthy and grounded in secure attachment with both yourself and your partners. This book is for anyone who’s curious about or engaged in polyamory (or consensual non-monogamy) and who wants to build secure, fulfilling, and respectful connections with multiple people.

In this guide, you’ll learn about different attachment styles and why they matter in polyamorous relationships. You’ll also find practical advice about how to develop secure attachments and navigate the unique challenges of consensual non-monogamy. We’ll supplement Fern’s advice with insight on how attitudes toward polyamors have changed over time and compare Fern’s views with those of other relationship experts like Esther Perel and John Gottman.

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3) Avoidant Attachment: People with an avoidant attachment style may seem emotionally distant or uninterested in close relationships. They often maintain their independence and withdraw from displaying affection or fully engaging in a relationship. They might prefer keeping relationships superficial and engaging in casual sex to maintain their independence and avoid the vulnerability that comes with deep emotional connections.

4) Disorganized Attachment: This style is characterized by inconsistent behaviors that can confuse partners, stemming from a mix of avoidance and anxiety regarding attachments. People with disorganized attachment might find it hard to trust others, feel insecure about their relationships, or struggle to regulate their emotions.

(Shortform note: Mary Ainsworth’s research, which built on Bowlby’s earlier work in attachment theory, was pivotal in developing the four attachment styles. Through her “Strange Situation” study in the 1970s, Ainsworth observed how infants responded to brief separations and reunions with their caregivers. These observations led to the identification of secure, avoidant, and ambivalent attachment styles. Later researchers added a fourth style, disorganized attachment, based on further studies. Ainsworth’s work provided the empirical backbone for Bowlby’s theoretical constructs, cementing attachment theory's central role in understanding child development.)

The Problem With Traditional Attachment Theory

According to Fern, traditional attachment theory often privileges monogamy by assuming that a secure attachment is typically formed between two individuals, mirroring the conventional monogamous relationship structure. She argues this narrow focus overlooks the possibility that secure attachments can also be formed within non-monogamous contexts where people have multiple close, nurturing relationships. Fern contends that attachment theory can be expanded to include these diverse relationship models, emphasizing that secure attachments are about the quality of care and emotional responsiveness, regardless of the number or configuration of relationships.

(Shortform note: Traditional attachment theory does make room for the possibility of multiple secure attachments. While Bowlby’s initial research focused on the infant-caregiver relationship, attachment theory recognizes that adults typically form secure attachments with multiple people, such as romantic partners, close friends, and family members, all of whom contribute to an individual's overall sense of security and well-being.)

Fern says that according to studies, people in non-monogamous relationships often achieve levels of secure attachment comparable to, or even greater than, those in monogamous partnerships, challenging the belief that insecurity or instability is inherent to non-monogamy. Likewise, engaging in casual sex or having multiple sexual partners aren’t symptoms of insecure attachment. Fern argues that this belief unfairly stigmatizes CNM relationships by not acknowledging that people can engage in casual sex or multiple relationships from a place of security and personal satisfaction rather than insecurity.

(Shortform note: Research suggests that in societies where CNM is less stigmatized, people will likely find it easier to form healthy attachments with multiple partners. Acceptance and supportive communities reduce stress and provide validation, fostering healthier relationships. Positive cultural narratives and legal recognition further legitimize CNM, promoting stability and predictability in the relationship. In contrast, stigma and marginalization in less accepting societies can create stress and hinder secure bonds.)

How Attachment Theory Has Evolved

Fern emphasizes that you can cultivate secure attachment through mutual respect and care, regardless of your relationship structure. She thus offers two advanced frameworks of attachment theory that are more in line with polyamorous relationships: the two-dimensional model of attachment and the nested model of attachment.

(Shortform note: While Fern expands on the two-dimensional and nested models, there are other attachment models such as the Dynamic Maturational Model (DMM) of attachment that also merit attention. The DMM highlights how individuals adapt their attachment behaviors based on environmental and developmental influences, emphasizing the fluid—rather than fixed—nature of attachment.)

The Two-Dimensional Model of Attachment

Unlike Bowlby’s four attachment styles, the two-dimensional model of attachment assesses people’s attachment behaviors by evaluating their levels of anxiety—worry about their partner’s availability and fear of abandonment—and avoidance—the extent to which they maintain emotional distance and rely on themselves rather than seeking closeness with others.

This model expands on the original categories of secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized by showing that these behaviors aren’t static and can change over time, across different relationships and different contexts. Therefore, Fern argues, this model is particularly pertinent in polyamorous relationships, where multiple emotional connections can trigger varying levels of anxiety and avoidance within each unique relationship dynamic. For example, if someone feels secure with partner A but becomes anxious when partner B starts dating someone new, it illustrates how attachment styles can shift depending on the specific relationship and situation.

(Shortform note: To enhance the understanding of adult attachment, Kim Bartholomew and Leonard Horowitz designed the two-dimensional model of attachment. They aimed to expand beyond traditional models that focused mainly on a single axis of security versus insecurity. By analyzing how individuals perceive themselves and others, they identified two key dimensions—Model of Self and Model of Others. These dimensions intersect to form four distinct attachment styles. Their method involved integrating findings from studies on self-esteem, social competence, and interpersonal trust with classical attachment theory, creating a richer framework for analyzing adult relationships.)

The Nested Model of Attachment

Expanding on Bowlby’s original theory, the nested model of attachment highlights how your attachment style is impacted by more than just your family of origin and is instead also shaped by wider social, cultural, economic, and environmental factors.

Fern argues that by recognizing multilayered influences, the nested model of attachment allows a more comprehensive approach to understanding and addressing the complexities of individual attachment styles. Within this model, attachment security is influenced not only by individual relationships but also by the surrounding network, including partners, metamours (partners’ partners), and even broader community contexts. By acknowledging these interconnected layers, Fern explains, the nested model offers a holistic understanding of fostering secure attachments in polyamorous or non-monogamous settings.

(Shortform note: The nested model of attachment evolved through decades of research, heavily influenced by Bronfenbrenner’s Ecological Systems Theory from the 1970s. Bronfenbrenner’s theory introduced the idea that human development is affected by multiple, nested environmental layers, including immediate environments (microsystem), interactions between these environments (mesosystem), indirect influences (exosystem), broader cultural and societal contexts (macrosystem), and changes over time (chronosystem). This framework expanded attachment theory beyond early caregiving to include wider social, cultural, economic, and environmental factors.)

How to Thrive in Consensual Non-Monogamy: Become Polysecure

Fern argues that for CNM relationships to work, you must become “polysecure,” which means achieving and maintaining secure attachments with multiple partners. She explains that based on the advanced frameworks of attachment theory, you can establish secure attachments with multiple people, just as a child can develop safe, loving, and caring connections with multiple caregivers. You can nurture these secure attachments with open communication, mutual trust, and respectful interactions with partners.

(Shortform note: Fern coined the term “polysecure,” and while it’s gaining recognition, it hasn’t permeated mainstream polyamorous discussions. While some specialized workshops discuss the concept, “polysecure” is more commonly used among academics and psychologists focused on attachment and relational dynamics.)

How to Become Polysecure

Fern gives advice for becoming polysecure, no matter your preferred relationship structure.

Foster a Secure Attachment With Yourself

First, Fern argues that one of the most important aspects of polysecure relationships is fostering secure attachment with yourself. This means developing a sense of self that doesn’t depend on the affection or attention of your partners. This internal foundation allows you to approach relationships with greater confidence and emotional stability. With this self-sufficiency, you can engage more confidently and authentically in relationships, without relying on others to meet your emotional needs.

(Shortform note: While Fern emphasizes the importance of emotional self-sufficiency, it’s equally crucial to consider the role of financial independence in cultivating healthy relationships. Financial autonomy allows you to engage in partnerships from a place of strength and choice, rather than dependency. This is especially true for women who historically have professional and economic barriers that limit their independence. Financial autonomy not only empowers women to make choices that align with their desires and needs but also shifts the balance of power within relationships, ensuring they are partners by choice, not by economic necessity.)

Fern says that to develop a secure attachment with yourself and approach relationships from a place of strength and wholeness, you should increase your self-awareness through mindfulness. This not only means practicing mindfulness in the present, paying attention to negative thought patterns or when you feel triggered, but also taking time to reflect past relationships and how they impacted you.

(Shortform note: Fern highlights the importance of mindfulness in developing a secure self-attachment, emphasizing awareness of mental patterns and the emotional impacts of past relationships. Building on this, Glennon Doyle, author of Untamed, argues that it’s crucial not only to understand but also to act on your own needs and desires. She advocates breaking free from societal norms that dictate your actions and feelings, urging you to follow your intuition toward authentic actions. By valuing your unique emotional experiences and personal journey, she argues, you cultivate self-awareness along with deep self-love and compassion—key elements for nurturing a healthy relationship with yourself.)

Confirm Your and Your Partners’ Desire for Secure Attachment

Next, Fern encourages you to confirm your and your partners’ mutual desire to cultivate secure attachment in your relationships. She explains that establishing this commitment is essential because it lays the groundwork for clear ongoing communication about the relationship’s depth, involvement level, and mutual expectations, which may shift over time. This step ensures that all parties are committed to actively nurturing a healthy and mutually beneficial connection.

(Shortform note: In addition to confirming your partners’ desire for secure attachment, it can also be helpful to spend time talking to them about their attachment style. In Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller explain understanding your partner’s attachment style can provide valuable insights into their behaviors and needs within a relationship. This knowledge allows partners to better support each other, communicate more effectively, and navigate conflicts more skillfully, ultimately contributing to a healthier and more satisfying partnership.)

Act as Refuge and Foundation

Finally, Fern explains that in polysecure relationships, all partners must act as both a refuge (referred to by Fern as a safe haven) and a foundation (described as a secure base) for each other.

To act as a refuge, you provide emotional support and comfort, making your partner feel valued and secure. For example, if one of your partners is going through a stressful period at work, you can actively listen to their concerns and offer reassurance. This supportive behavior allows them to feel emotionally stable and connected, knowing they can rely on you for solace during challenging times.

(Shortform note: In Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel explains that while people seek a refuge, or a sense of security, in relationships, we also yearn for excitement and novelty. This duality creates a delicate balance between our desire for stability and our craving for adventure. Perel explores how maintaining erotic vitality requires embracing the tension between closeness and distance, familiarity and mystery. She highlights that the challenge for partners lies in cultivating an environment where intimacy and passion can coexist, allowing relationships to flourish without compromising either the sense of security or the thrill of the unknown.)

To be an effective refuge, says Fern, practice being present by actively engaging with and being emotionally available to your partners. This includes practicing attentive listening, giving them your undivided attention during interactions, and minimizing distractions to foster a deeper connection. Pay attention to your partners’ words, tone, and body language, and acknowledge and validate their feelings to show you understand. You can also express appreciation for your partner by recognizing and naming the things you love about them.

(Shortform note: In Eight Dates, couples John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, and Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams, argue that regular date nights are another way to build a sense of security in your relationship. They assert that these dedicated times for meaningful connection help to reinforce emotional bonds, enhance communication, and reignite romantic feelings. By prioritizing regular date nights, couples can create a sanctuary away from day-to-day stressors, allowing them to focus solely on each other. The authors offer eight themed date nights designed to address fundamental aspects of a thriving relationship, such as trust, conflict, sex, and adventure.)

As a foundation, you encourage your partners’ growth, exploration, and autonomy. For example, if a partner expresses interest in a new hobby, career opportunity, or new romantic partner, you can ask questions and encourage them, even if it means spending more time apart. By supporting their endeavors and celebrating their successes, you help them feel empowered and confident to explore the world and take risks, reinforcing their independence while still maintaining a strong emotional bond.

Evolving Relationship Expectations

Eli J. Finkel, author of The All-or-Nothing Marriage, explains that our expectations of relationships have evolved over time. He argues that in today’s society, partners seek what he calls a self-expressive marriage, where each partner helps the other achieve personal growth and self-fulfillment. This modern approach emphasizes mutual support and encouragement for individual aspirations, ensuring both partners feel fulfilled and motivated to grow both personally and together within the relationship.

In a polyamorous context, each partner’s pursuit of personal growth and fulfillment can enrich the entire network of relationships. By encouraging each partner to achieve higher levels of self-discovery, self-esteem, and self-actualization, polyamorous connections can become deeply rewarding. The emphasis on mutual support and individual aspirations allows for dynamic and multifaceted relationships, where each person contributes to and benefits from the collective growth.This approach aligns well with the polyamorous ethos of open communication, mutual respect, and the pursuit of personal and relational fulfillment.

Fern says that to maintain a secure foundation, partners should actively support each other’s personal and professional growth. This includes paying attention to and encouraging each other’s dreams and ambitions, engaging in discussions that foster intellectual and emotional growth, and recognizing each other’s potential. Being a compassionate critic when necessary and celebrating new ventures—even when they involve other relationships—are key.

(Shortform note: Being a secure foundation in a relationship involves focusing on your partner’s happiness rather than your own insecurities or jealousy. Compersion, often called the “opposite of jealousy,” is the joy felt when seeing your partner happy, even with someone else. Though it originated in the polyamorous community, compersion isn't limited to non-monogamous relationships; monogamous individuals can also experience it through their partner’s achievements and friendships. Research suggests that experiencing compersion is linked to greater relationship satisfaction.)

A Note On Balancing Multiple Relationships

Fern says that balancing multiple relationships in polyamory can be deeply fulfilling, but it isn’t always easy. To practice CNM effectively, you need to understand your capacities and limitations: What’s your current commitment? What do you have time for? What are your priorities? What's the extent of your emotional availability?

(Shortform note: Psychologists suggest that sustaining non-monogamous relationships often involves more effort than traditional marriages. People who thrive on social interaction, can love multiple individuals simultaneously, have a high sex drive, and are open to new experiences typically find greater satisfaction in polyamory. However, CNM requires navigating the evolving and complex needs of multiple partners, so maintaining balance and meeting the emotional and physical needs of more than one person demands significant dedication and adaptability.)

Fern’s advice is to be honest and realistic about how much you can invest in each relationship without compromising the quality of attachment in other relationships. Fern emphasizes there’s no universal approach to how many relationships you can sustain or a checklist to determine when you need to pause or end a relationship. Ultimately, the key lies in maintaining open communication with your partners and being attuned to your own needs, ensuring that each relationship is nurtured and valued without overextending yourself.

How to Break Up

Sometimes you may find that it’s necessary to end a relationship to maintain your overall well-being and balance among your commitments. Ending a relationship, whether in a monogamous or polyamorous context, is never easy, but doing so with care and consideration can make the process less painful for everyone involved.

There are several steps you can take to facilitate a kinder breakup:

• Reflect on your decision and ensure your concerns have been communicated and addressed as a team effort.

• Choose a safe and private setting for the conversation, allowing your partner space to process their emotions.

• Be honest and straightforward about your reasons to avoid confusion and unnecessary hurt.

• Seek support from trusted friends and family to navigate emotional challenges, and avoid negative behaviors like stalking on social media.

• Focus on self-care and healing to move forward positively.