PDF Summary:No More Mr. Nice Guy, by Robert Glover

Do you pride yourself on being the nicest guy in the world? Does your fear of disapproval lead you to people-please, avoid conflict, and repress parts of yourself? If this sounds like you, you might be what Dr. Robert Glover calls a Nice Guy. No More Mr. Nice Guy, by marriage and family psychotherapist Dr. Robert Glover, helps you understand and conquer the frustrating—and often manipulative—Nice Guy mindset so that you can become a fully realized and self-accepting “Ideal Man.”

This guide will explore the “Nice Guy” and the origins of his mindset, as well as the roadblocks that perpetuate his unproductive life approach and specific strategies to overcome them. We’ll also compare Glover’s work to various texts on masculinity and self-acceptance while integrating both scientific and historical research to support (or refute) his anecdotal findings.

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Why We’re Manipulated by Covert Contracts

Although Glover says covert contracts are often ineffective, we do see them “work” to an extent in our day-to-day lives. If a coworker surprises you with a holiday gift and you’re empty-handed, you feel guilty for not giving them something in return despite knowing you never agreed to exchange gifts. What makes us feel this way?

It has to do with what Robert Cialdini—in his book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion—calls the reciprocity principle. According to Cialdini, this principle is the innate indebtedness we feel when someone does something for us (even if we didn’t need or want that something in the first place). Cialdini discusses this principle in relation to business and customer relationships, but we can apply it to our interactions with covert contracts. They “work” on us because they take advantage of our reciprocal nature.

Nice Guys Deny Their Power

Nice Guys often feel powerless because they deny their abilities and their masculinity.

They act like victims in the face of adversity: Glover says Nice Guys often think they lack control in all aspects of life, which only feeds into their feelings of resentment, frustration, and victimization. Glover adds that although unpredictability is a fact of life, Nice Guys have a particularly hard time embracing life’s ups and downs because they (mistakenly) believe life can be straightforward and smooth.

(Shortform note: If having a smooth, easy life isn’t really possible, why are we inclined to believe it is? Psychotherapist Sian Morgan-Crossley explains that this belief stems in part from our tendency to compare ourselves to others. Under the false impression that everyone around us has it easy, we wonder why our lives aren’t easy, too.)

They’re attached to their mothers: According to Glover, Nice Guys who grew up with emotionally needy mothers remain devoted to them in adulthood. This relationship is normal and healthy in boyhood, but eventually, boys must grow up and bond with men to become healthy, masculine adults, and mothers must let their sons go. If a Nice Guy doesn’t have a strong parental presence, this shift may not occur.

Iron John and the Transition of Boys to Men

Glover isn't the only author to discuss the idea that boys must be ushered into manhood by their fathers. Robert Bly also touches on this topic in Iron John: A Book About Men (1990). The book focuses on the development of the “soft male” in the 1950s, while trying to reclaim a masculine identity Bly and Glover agree has been somewhat lost to time.

Like Glover, Bly notes that boys must be initiated into adulthood with the help of their fathers. Unlike Glover, Bly says it’s a son’s job to break away from his mother, as she won’t consciously release him to the dangerous world until he proves he can handle it. With this goal in mind, Bly stresses the importance of initiating a boy into the sphere of men to prepare him for this break.

They’re detached from masculinity and other men: Due to their poor paternal relationships, Glover says Nice Guys grew up associating masculinity with its negative traits, such as aggression and cruelty. Not only does this lead them to suppress their own masculinity (and thus good parts of themselves), but it also makes them isolated from other men. This causes Nice Guys to miss out on the support and companionship that accompanies male community.

(Shortform note: Everyone needs friends (whether they’re a Nice Guy or not). In fact, research has shown that friendships (or a lack of them) affect our physical and mental well-being. One study found men’s male friendships in particular provided more emotional stability, vulnerability, and social fulfilment than their relationships with their girlfriends.)

Nice Guys Keep Themselves From a Satisfying Life

Here are some more reasons Nice Guys fail to live the life they envision:

They don’t know when to say goodbye: According to Glover, Nice Guys are less likely to leave dysfunctional relationships because they dread loneliness. They would rather stay in a familiar, toxic environment than leave and face themselves.

How to Prepare for a Breakup

Glover isn’t the only author to discuss the struggle of ending a toxic relationship. In their book Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller also note that we’re likely to avoid breakups because our brain anticipates pain and loneliness in the future. Here’s their advice on how to mentally prepare yourself for a breakup:

• Reflect on the reality of your relationship. How does your partner treat you? Do you trust each other?

• Bolster your network of safe people before you break up. This way, they’ll be prepared to support you when you need it most.

• Note your reasons for leaving. Feeling nostalgic? Write down why things ended. Ask your friends and family to remind you why you left in the first place.

They assume they know what women want: Glover emphasizes that women aren’t attracted to “jerks” as many Nice Guys assume. Rather, they’re attracted to fully realized, confident humans. Nice Guys try too hard to be “nice,” “right,” and “good” all the time, which makes for a self-conscious and lifeless shell of a person.

(Shortform note: Why do we find confidence so attractive? It has a lot to do with our own self-esteem. When someone is confident, we tend to assume good things about their skills and personality, often believing that they’re good at all the things we’re bad at. We’re thus drawn to them, as we feel they can protect or look after us.)

They settle for bad sex: Glover explains that a Nice Guy may engage his partner in half-hearted (bad) sex through manipulative or sneaky tactics. He thinks if he focuses hard enough on putting her in a good mood, she will enthusiastically reciprocate no matter what. But this tactic only leads to frustrating sex. Still, to many Nice Guys, bad sex is better than no sex. They continue to engage in partner-focused sexual encounters—which Glover discourages, as it means they ignore their own sexual needs.

(Shortform note: Despite the similarities between Glover’s Ideal Man and Deida’s Superior Man, these authors’ approaches to sex are quite different. While Glover discourages the Ideal Man from partner-focused sex—so he can focus on his own needs—Deida suggests the Superior Man turn his focus outward by prioritizing connection with his woman over his own pleasure. He believes the complete union of masculine and feminine energy is the ultimate goal of sex. Glover, on the other hand, believes pleasure is the main objective.)

Solutions for the Ideal Man

We know what’s holding Nice Guys back, but what can you do to live your life as a self-accepting and fulfilled Ideal Man?

The Ideal Man Lives for Himself

Here are some of Glover’s strategies for reaching a point of self-acceptance and living life for yourself:

Self-reflect: Before you can accept yourself, you must look inward and recognize your approval-seeking habits. In order to ID them, ask yourself what you want and what you need, and which habits do and don’t serve your wishes.

Ask What, Not Why When Self-Reflecting

The ultimate goal of self-reflection is self-awareness, but does all introspection lead to this outcome? Organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich says not necessarily. Eurich cites multiple studies that show self-reflection isn’t directly correlated to our self-awareness. This doesn’t mean self-reflection is a useless act but that we must do it with intention by asking ourselves what instead of why.

For example, instead of asking why you have a specific attachment, you might ask “What does this behavior do for me?” or “What effect does this behavior have on my self-worth?” Unlike why questions, which may prompt us to think of our past or personal failings, what questions help us name and understand our current emotions or even imagine our potential.

Express your emotions with safe people: Exposing your true self can be scary, so do it with people you trust. Glover says being vulnerable around our safe people helps us combat self-sabotaging beliefs and serves as a reminder that we’re loved, even when we slip up.

(Shortform note: Your safe people can also keep you on track and prevent you from developing tunnel vision. In Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves note that in times of distress, we often get bogged down in the details. But outside parties provide an objective perspective and can help us see the bigger picture, decipher our emotions, and hold us accountable as we move forward.)

Take responsibility for your needs: According to Glover, when you prioritize yourself, you assert new, productive beliefs about yourself, your needs, and how to meet them. Understand that everyone has needs and prioritizing yourself is the only mature, direct, and honest means of satisfying yours.

(Shortform note: Although Deida agrees that the Superior Man is responsible for himself, his interpretation of what this responsibility is differs from Glover’s. Deida believes that in his intimate relationships, the Superior Man is responsible not necessarily for his needs, but for knowing his purpose in life and using it to set goals to keep himself and his woman on track. As a man, Deida says it’s your responsibility to cut through female moods and emotions—as well as your own preoccupations with your duties—and provide you both with a clear direction.)

The Ideal Man Embraces His Power

Here are some of Glover’s strategies for embracing your personal power and masculinity so you can take control of your life:

Welcome fear: Glover asserts the only way to overcome vicious anxiety and fear is to acknowledge it and face what currently scares you. You create new beliefs each time you push through fear.

(Shortform note: Facing your fears is easier said than done, but we can look again to The Way of the Superior Man for advice. When you’re feeling uncomfortable, anxious, or afraid, Deida recommends you let go and open yourself to uncertainty by breathing deeply and speaking your fears. These exercises will allow you to be mentally and physically present with your emotions so you can acknowledge them and move on.)

Set boundaries: It’s hard to embrace your personal power if you let others walk all over you. So, you must take responsibility for how others treat you. Glover stresses that others have no incentive to change if you reinforce their bad behavior by giving in. Once you realize this, you’ll find changing your own behavior (by setting firm boundaries) is a simpler, more rewarding path.

(Shortform note: Nervous about setting boundaries with a loved one or your boss? Psychology scholar Mariana Bockarova encourages you to practice being assertive in all situations to get used to enforcing boundaries. How can you talk to your partner about being mistreated if you can’t tell a server he got your order wrong? By starting small, you can build your way up to setting limits with your loved ones.)

Develop integrity: Instead of defaulting to deceit out of fear, Glover says Nice Guys must develop integrity. According to Glover, the best way to live with integrity is to ask yourself, “What do I think is right?” Then do it. Honesty gives you the power to approach everything with clarity, direction, and sincerity.

(Shortform note: How do you know what’s “right”? In Dare to Lead, Brené Brown stresses the importance of developing strong personal values to guide you through difficult matters of integrity. Without guiding values, we’re more likely to take the easy way out than do what’s right. For example, if you value accountability, you could set a guideline for yourself that says you will own up to your mistakes and avoid making excuses when you do so.)

Bond with other men: Whether hanging out with friends or admiring a role model, Glover urges you to develop solid relationships with other men. Glover says Nice Guys are less likely to smother, resent, or manipulate their partners when they have others they can turn to for support. Additionally, friends and role models can provide new, healthy models of masculinity.

How Do You Make Friends as an Adult Man?

Bonding with other boys in childhood is relatively easy, but what about making friends in adulthood? Speaking from experience, author Ross McCammon explains how he was able to make and develop adult friendships with other men:

• Utilize your connections. The partner of your partner’s friends and the parents of your kids’ friends are great places to start.

• Turn vague plans into reality. Intentionally schedule your hangouts—even better, make them recurring.

• Follow up with texts. Continue communicating when you’re not together.

The Ideal Man Lives a Satisfying Life

Here are a few more strategies Glover suggests you embrace to live a satisfying life as an Ideal Man:

Take a new approach the next time around: When entering into new relationships, Glover says to shake things up. Instead of falling back on bad habits (like not setting boundaries) or unproductive mindsets (that your needs don’t matter, for example), start from a place of integrity, self-confidence, and vulnerability from the get-go. Keep things from becoming toxic in the first place.

(Shortform note: Following Glover’s advice and getting a fresh start after a bad relationship can be a bit daunting. When entering into a new relationship after a toxic one, The Good Men Project suggests keeping an eye out for red and green flags. It’s easy to ignore someone’s flaws when you’re just getting to know them, but take note of any concerning behaviors. Don’t forget the positive signs—what makes this person seem like they’ll be trustworthy and supportive?)

Ask for help: No one can do everything alone, so Glover stresses that Nice Guys learn to ask for help. Taking control of your life includes utilizing the people and resources at your disposal.

How to Effectively Ask for Help

Asking for help can be intimidating, especially if you’re a Nice Guy who’s not used to acknowledging when he needs it. But according to business professor Wayne Baker, the most effective way to get help is by making a request that’s SMART:

• Specific: Vague requests are less likely to be acted upon.

• Meaningful: Explain to whoever you’re asking why you need the help you do.

• Action: Tell the other person what tasks they can do to help.

• Realistic: Make sure you’re not asking someone to do the impossible.

• Time: Give the other person a deadline or timeframe for your request.

Practice healthy masturbation: Glover says Nice Guys need to learn to have good (consensual, natural, vulnerable) sex. One way to practice the tenets of good sex is through healthy masturbation. Like good sex, it’s about doing what feels good and accepting responsibility for your needs and pleasure.

How to Practice Healthy Masturbation

Many sexual and mental health professionals agree that there are healthy and unhealthy ways to masturbate. Here are some tips for practicing healthy masturbation:

• Take it slow: Don’t rush through your pleasure. Take your time by experimenting with other parts of your body or changing the speed of your stroke.

• Prep your environment: Set the mood for yourself. Make your environment comfortable, sensual, and distraction free.

• Pay attention: Be aware of your bodily responses as you pleasure yourself—your breath, your heartbeat, and any tension you might be holding. Understanding your body will only help you control your sexual functions with yourself or with a partner.