PDF Summary:Moms Moving On, by Michelle Dempsey-Multack

Divorce is one of life's most difficult transitions, leaving many women overwhelmed with grief, anger, and uncertainty about their new reality as a single mom. In Moms Moving On, Michelle Dempsey-Multack offers a compassionate guide for navigating this challenging journey with resilience and hope.

Dempsey-Multack helps you process the complex emotions of divorce, from sadness and loss to resentment toward your ex. She shares strategies for re-defining your identity, managing co-parenting challenges, and balancing work and childcare as a solo parent. The book also explores nurturing new relationships, embracing your sexuality after divorce, and raising confident children amidst the upheaval of a broken home.

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• Initiate a "Pause and Parse Practice" where, during or immediately after an interaction with your ex, you take a moment to pause and ask yourself, "What part of this is really about me?" This practice encourages on-the-spot emotional intelligence by separating your ex's potential projection of their emotions from your personal self-worth.
• Create a shared digital calendar with your co-parent to schedule your child's activities and appointments, ensuring both parents are informed and involved. By using a platform like Google Calendar, you can both add, edit, and view upcoming events in real time, which helps maintain clear communication and prevents scheduling conflicts. For example, you can color-code each parent's responsibilities or child-related events to keep things organized and visually accessible.
• Organize regular check-ins with a neutral third party, like a counselor or trusted family friend, where your child can talk about their feelings. This person should not be involved in the conflict and can provide an unbiased ear for your child, helping them process their emotions without fear of taking sides.
• Develop a "feelings journal" activity where you and your child can draw or write about your emotions each day. This practice encourages open communication and helps the child understand that it's okay to talk about what they're feeling. It also allows you to address any misconceptions or worries they might have about the divorce, reinforcing that they are not to blame.
• Implement a 'no-contact' alarm system with a trusted friend where you agree to reach out to them instead of your ex during moments of weakness. This could involve sending a code word or emoji to signal that you need support, providing an immediate alternative to breaking the boundary you've set.
• Develop a self-care toolkit that includes activities and resources to use when feeling emotionally vulnerable post-breakup. This could include a list of friends to call, a playlist of empowering songs, or a set of affirmations to remind you of your worth and strength.
• Create a visual boundary chart for your home to clearly communicate limits to your child. Use simple graphics or icons to represent different boundaries, such as a stop sign for 'no entering the kitchen while cooking' or a clock for 'bedtime at 8 PM'. Place this chart at your child's eye level and refer to it when enforcing boundaries, making the concept of limits both accessible and consistent for your child.

Uniform Routines and Discipline Across Two Households

It will be impossible to control everything your ex decides about the children. This will undoubtedly cause some inconsistency. Dempsey-Multack shares some of the issues her clients and her Instagram followers get hung up on, like how her ex bought their child a toy every time he had time with them. This led her to worry that her ex was trying to buy the child's love, and that it would turn him into a toy-obsessed monster. While this may sound trivial or dramatic, it is, in fact, a common worry for many newly divorced moms. To manage these worries and focus your energy on the things that matter most, the author suggests using her strategy of choosing your battles. You can't win every battle, after all, and saving your energy for the things that really matter will help you have more fun with the kids during your parenting time. She also provides examples of the right communication style to use when trying to encourage your former spouse to adjust certain behaviors. She strongly suggests using a communication app, as the information shared in such a forum can be used in court proceedings, and encourages her readers to treat these exchanges with a former partner as business-related, removing the emotional aspect.

Other Perspectives

• Open and respectful communication between ex-partners can lead to compromises and mutual understanding, which may result in more aligned parenting decisions, even across two households.
• Some level of inconsistency between households might actually benefit children by exposing them to different perspectives and ways of life, which can foster adaptability and resilience.
• The term "toy-obsessed" could be considered judgmental or exaggerated without evidence of negative impacts on the child's behavior or development.
• While focusing on important matters is generally good advice, it can sometimes lead to the dismissal of smaller issues that, if left unaddressed, could grow into larger problems over time.
• Consistently choosing not to engage in smaller battles may create an imbalance of power or set a precedent that could be exploited by the other parent to push boundaries further over time.
• Communication style alone may not address underlying issues of trust or resentment that can impede effective co-parenting.
• In some cases, the requirement to use a communication app could be seen as a barrier for parents who are not tech-savvy or do not have regular access to the internet or a smartphone.
• It assumes that all communication can be effectively documented and used in court, which may not always be the case, especially for verbal or in-person discussions.

Managing the Practical Tasks of Solo Parenthood

This part of the book explains how to make single-parenting work, even if you're controlling, like Dempsey-Multack. You need to figure out how to release the expectation that it’ll all be done perfectly.

Developing Systems and Seeking Support to Create a Functional Household

It's not necessary to be Super Mom, but you do have to get things done for you and your children. The author suggests thinking of this period in your life as the survival-mom phase. She relied on how vital routine was during that period. After she began parenting on her own, she and her toddler had a routine for just about everything—meals, bedtime, shopping trips, and even the dreaded shower situation. She explains that being consistent is not just beneficial for the kids, it also eliminates any surprises for you—and helps keep surprises from turning into a full-blown, anxiety-fueled meltdown. She also reminds her readers to release the notion that single parenting should be done without help. If you can count on friends, family, and/or a babysitter, use this to your advantage for that well-deserved mental health reboot.

Other Perspectives

• The idea of having to get things done might overlook the value of quality time spent with children, which doesn't always involve completing tasks but is equally important for a functional household.
• Some may find that the term "survival-mom phase" overlooks the joy, love, and positive aspects of single parenting, focusing instead on the hardships and struggles.
• Overemphasis on routine might cause stress if the parent or children cannot adhere to the schedule due to unforeseen circumstances, leading to feelings of failure or inadequacy.
• Routines can sometimes become too rigid, leaving little room for spontaneity or necessary adjustments when unexpected situations arise.
• Children also need to learn flexibility and how to cope with disruptions, which can be an important part of their development.
• Some single parents may prefer to maintain independence and self-reliance, and might find that seeking help undermines their sense of autonomy.
• The cost of hiring a babysitter can be prohibitive for single parents who are already managing tight budgets.
• There is a risk that frequent reliance on friends, family, or babysitters for mental health breaks could strain relationships if those individuals feel overburdened or taken for granted.

Balancing Work, Parenting, and Personal Time as a Solo Mom

For many women, one of the most difficult things to manage in single motherhood is the fear of financial instability. Dempsey-Multack reminds her reader that she, too, has experienced those fears. Since she'd built up her own business before divorcing, she was in a financial position to pay for her home, childcare, and the rest of the costs related to raising her daughter, but she still felt anxiety each time she did the math, worried that it would somehow all come crashing down. She worked through those fears by sticking to a budget routine, which helped her feel more in control of things. Regarding parenting, the author emphasizes that parenting in pieces isn't a bad thing. When your time is taken, and you're required to share your children with someone else, you learn to prioritize your time with them and enjoy those moments more fully. This forced parenting break also allows you to decompress, rest, and make time for yourself, the way she did after getting over the guilt of feeling like a bad mom because she enjoyed those few alone hours.

Other Perspectives

• The fear of financial instability might be less prevalent in regions with strong social safety nets and supportive policies for single parents, such as subsidized childcare, housing assistance, and healthcare benefits.
• Depending on the terms of the divorce, the business may be considered a marital asset and could be subject to division, which might reduce the financial stability it provides.
• Sticking to a budget routine may not address the root causes of financial anxiety, which could be related to deeper issues such as job insecurity, unexpected expenses, or a lack of emergency savings.
• The benefits of parenting in pieces may not equally apply to all age groups; very young children, for example, might not understand the arrangement and could feel abandoned.
• For some parents, the concept of taking breaks might induce guilt, as societal expectations often valorize constant parental involvement and self-sacrifice.
• It's important to recognize that feelings of guilt can sometimes act as a reminder to maintain a healthy balance between self-care and caregiving, rather than something that always needs to be overcome.

Rebuilding Confidence, Identity, and New Relationships

When you're by yourself, you have time to focus on all parts of your life, even the parts that felt "off" (or "off limits", for that matter) while you were married. This part of the book explores connecting with your true self, dating again, and allowing yourself the fulfilling sexual experiences you deserve.

Rediscovering Your Authentic Self Through Hobbies

Dempsey-Multack shares that she, too, had a hard time believing in herself again after years of letting herself be gaslit in relationships. She realized that she had a tendency to be a "people pleaser", which had left her with feelings of being disconnected and unfulfilled. However, she explains, you must first have faith in your value. You have to know it, feel it, and identify it within you to let someone into your life in a healthy way.

Engaging In Activities That Bring Joy and Empowerment

Here, the author reminds her readers of the importance of being committed to things that inspire you—things that will help quiet the doubt in your mind. She worked on building her confidence by connecting to old passions, things she found joy in prior to her marriage. For her, it was exercising, going out with girlfriends, wearing cute bodysuits, and letting herself enjoy the ease of saying “no.” She also delved into journaling to reconnect with herself. She used her journal as a means to create the kind of blueprint that she'd use to build the life she envisioned for herself, to learn her wants and needs and how to find them. She knew that if her goal was to find the right person, she’d have to get really clear on what she was looking for: a partner who would not only love her, but also respect her and encourage her to chase her dreams, and be supportive rather than make her shrink.

Context

• Engaging in creative activities can stimulate the brain, improve problem-solving skills, and offer a healthy outlet for expressing emotions.
• Old passions can reignite motivation and inspire new goals, providing direction and purpose in life.
• Both exercise and social engagement have been linked to improved cognitive function, including better memory and concentration.
• Engaging in self-care practices, such as dressing in a way that makes you feel good, can encourage mindfulness and help individuals focus on the present moment, reducing stress and anxiety.
• Consistently practicing boundary-setting can lead to healthier, more balanced relationships and a stronger sense of self.
• Many therapists recommend journaling as part of therapy to help clients explore their inner thoughts and feelings in a safe and private way.
• A successful blueprint often includes identifying and leveraging support systems, such as friends, family, or professional networks, that can provide encouragement, advice, and resources.
• Sometimes, working with a therapist or life coach can provide structured support in exploring and defining your personal wants and needs.
• Respect in a partnership means valuing each other’s opinions, boundaries, and individuality. It involves active listening, acknowledging differences, and treating each other as equals.

Avoiding the Trap Of Seeking Early Partner Validation

For many women, one of the ways they seek validation, once they start dating again, is by having sex with a new partner. Dempsey-Multack calls this revenge, but warns her readers against this instant gratification. Although it might initially feel fulfilling and comforting, it won't necessarily provide what you require to move past your ex. You must process the pain the right way, by validating and honoring those yucky feelings, before you're actually able to move on. The right time to have sex after divorce is when you feel comfortable and confident in your ability to trust—trust your decisions, and the person you may have chosen to sleep with, even if it ends up being the wrong choice.

Context

• Media and pop culture often glamorize the idea of quickly finding new partners after a breakup, which can shape expectations and behaviors in real life.
• Trusting oneself and one's decisions is a key component of emotional recovery, allowing for more meaningful and fulfilling connections.
• Engaging in a new sexual relationship without being emotionally ready can sometimes complicate or delay the pursuit of long-term relationship goals, as it might lead to entanglements that are not aligned with one's true desires or needs.
• Societal norms and cultural expectations can impact how individuals perceive and process their emotions, influencing their healing journey.
• Divorce can significantly affect self-esteem and self-worth. Rebuilding a positive self-image is important before entering new intimate relationships.

Approaching Dating and Relationships With Intention and Self-Awareness

Dempsey-Multack draws from her personal story of discovering a new romance as a guide for readers. She found a love that was different from all the rest, one that made her feel happy, validated, and able to live the life she had only dreamed of living. But, she explains, this wasn't immediate. It happened after she tried to understand herself more fully. It happened after she worked on her issues, found her passions, and discovered the freedom and strength of being independent.

Resolving Past Unhealthy Attachment Patterns

Dempsey-Multack reminds her readers to look for common threads in previous partnerships to make better relationship decisions in the future. You need to thoroughly examine your past relationships to define the patterns that led you astray. What attracted you to each one? What shared qualities did these people possess? Were they the qualities that eventually damaged you? Get real about those details, as they'll guide you in changing what's ahead for yourself and the people you allow into your life. She then introduces her readers to the concept of attachment styles in relationships, which can add further clarity to destructive patterns in relationships. She also explains, from her own experience, that anxiety and self-doubt often suppressed her ability to trust her intuition, but working with a therapist and anxiety medication helped quiet those emotions so she could more easily "hear" what her instincts and emotions were conveying.

Other Perspectives

• This approach assumes that past behaviors and attractions are the best predictors of future relationship success, which may not account for personal growth or changes in preferences over time.
• Some individuals may not have a sufficient number of past relationships to establish clear patterns, making the exercise less useful for them.
• It could inadvertently promote a blame-oriented mindset, where one focuses on the other person's qualities rather than examining their own contributions to the relationship's patterns.
• There's a risk of becoming overly cautious or developing biases based on past experiences, which could unfairly influence one's perception of new relationships.
• Focusing solely on attachment styles might oversimplify the complexity of human relationships and ignore the unique context of each partnership.
• Over-reliance on intuition can be problematic, as it may prevent individuals from seeking out necessary information or considering rational analysis when making decisions.
• Some individuals may have adverse reactions to anxiety medications or find that the side effects outweigh the benefits.

Ensuring Compatibility and Shared Values With a Significant Other

Starting a new relationship post-divorce involves knowing your nonnegotiables—qualities a potential new partner simply must have if you're willing to give him your heart. Don't pretend to be a different person to attract a man. Avoid trying to manufacture chemistry if it isn't there, but definitely embrace it if you feel those butterflies fluttering around. Return to the gut intuition we talked about and trust it! Don't overthink it. Move gradually and invite this individual to become integrated into your world very carefully. It's a tough reality to understand, but this new guy will never be your best friend. Don’t anticipate that. And it's much better to remain single than to be with a man who doesn't make you feel happy and excited and appreciated.

Context

• Nonnegotiables can be both emotional (e.g., needing emotional support) and practical (e.g., financial stability or willingness to relocate).
• Being authentic can improve self-esteem and confidence. When individuals accept and present their true selves, they are more likely to feel valued and respected for who they are.
• Embracing natural chemistry can lead to a more emotionally fulfilling relationship, as both partners are likely to feel valued and understood.
• A slow integration allows both partners to assess long-term compatibility in various aspects of life, such as lifestyle, values, and future goals.
• Best friends usually share a long history and deep understanding that develops over time, which a new partner may not yet have.
• Relationships lacking mutual appreciation often involve more conflict, which can be stressful and exhausting.

Gradually Acquainting Your Children With a New Partner

It's crucial to be extremely thoughtful about who you introduce to your kids, as well as the timing. This decision will have a huge impact on their lives, and your own, as you begin to settle into a life of blended families and the awkward dynamics that inevitably come with navigating relationships post-divorce.

Reassuring Your Children Your Love Remains Unchanged

It's vital to be truthful. You must give your kids age-appropriate truths. If they ask whether you and the other parent will reconcile, your answer should be consistent with what you’ve decided—keep those feelings neutral so you don't give your children false hope. When they question why you divorced, share truth in a loving, supportive way. Tell them that although you and their father were once married, and may have even enjoyed being together at one point in time, things change. Remind them that their father and you found each other, and then decided to be just friends because that's what felt best for the two of you. The most important thing is to reassure your kids that both their parents will always be their parents, and that you'll always love them. The author suggests avoiding giving in to pressure to force the kids to be comfortable with your new partner—their comfort is a process that will take a significant amount of time.

Context

• Truthfulness helps set realistic expectations about the future, reducing anxiety and helping children adjust to new family dynamics.
• Providing too much information can overwhelm children. Age-appropriate explanations ensure they receive only what they can handle, reducing anxiety and confusion.
• Inconsistent messaging can lead to emotional distress, affecting a child's mental health and well-being.
• It’s important to present the reasons for divorce without assigning blame to either parent, which can prevent children from feeling they need to take sides.
• Over time, individuals may find that their emotional needs shift, requiring adjustments in how they seek and provide support within a relationship.
• Children at different developmental stages may require different forms of reassurance, tailored to their understanding and emotional needs.
• Developing trust with a new partner is a gradual process. Children need to feel secure and understand that the new person is not a replacement for their other parent.

Let Children Warm to New Relationships at Their Pace

Dempsey-Multack shares that she decided to introduce her daughter to her then-boyfriend as a friend. But again, she reiterates that this was her choice, and that there are numerous approaches and moments to navigate this conversation. When her daughter asked about her dad's new girlfriend, she chose to approach the conversation as neutrally as possible, reminding her daughter that just like Mom and Dad, it was okay for Dad to find new people to love. Remember that your child may feel threatened by your new partnership, regardless of how happy you seem. Reassure them that your feelings for them will never change, and give them time to process their new mixed bag of emotions. Also, remember that it could take your children a long time before they warm up to your partner. Be patient with this process and the people who are finding their way in this unfamiliar territory. And above all, don't concern yourself with your former partner's potential reaction. They'll need to accept it on their own, and anything negative they say or do will speak to the kind of person they are and the kind of parent your children will have to learn to handle.

Context

• Parents who respect their children's pace in accepting new relationships model healthy relationship behaviors, such as patience, empathy, and respect for others' feelings.
• Demonstrating neutrality can teach children how to discuss sensitive topics calmly and respectfully, which is a valuable life skill.
• Consistently affirming your unchanging love helps build trust, which is essential for healthy parent-child relationships, especially during transitions.
• Past experiences with change or loss can influence how a child processes new family dynamics, potentially requiring more time and sensitivity.
• Parents can support their children by validating their feelings and providing reassurance, helping them navigate the transition with confidence.
• Sometimes, ex-partners may use reactions to manipulate or control. By not engaging with these reactions, you reduce their power and maintain your autonomy.
• Children might not have the vocabulary or emotional awareness to express their feelings about new relationships, leading to misunderstandings or acting out.
• The presence of siblings and their reactions can also influence how a child adjusts. Siblings may support each other or exacerbate feelings of insecurity, depending on their relationships and individual coping mechanisms.
• Some parents might opt for a gradual introduction, starting with casual, low-pressure meetings to allow the child to become comfortable over time.