PDF Summary:Models, by Mark Manson

In the modern world, how can a heterosexual man successfully attract women? In Models, self-help guru Mark Manson argues that the key lies in “non-neediness,” or inner confidence: Women desire a man whose sense of self-worth depends on how he judges himself rather than how others judge him.

In this guide, you’ll discover why traditional dating advice or pickup techniques don’t work for you—and what to do instead to form meaningful connections with women. You’ll learn why inner confidence is essential to attracting women and how to develop it via three main keys: cultivating a satisfying life, overcoming your worries, and being vulnerable. Along the way, you’ll discover how Manson’s recommendations compare to advice from other dating experts.

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Develop Your Own Interests

Second, you must develop your own interests. Manson emphasizes that attractive men have rich lives. Not only do they have varied hobbies, but they also know why they like what they like because they developed their tastes on their own instead of inheriting them from their friends. So expose yourself to various pursuits—and as you do so, think critically about why you like (or dislike) each one.

(Shortform note: In 168 Hours, Laura Vanderkam also recommends exposing yourself to various pursuits. However, she doesn’t recommend this in the context of attracting women—rather, Vanderkam recommends that you try many different things so that you can discover what you most enjoy and can thus fill your time pursuing whatever’s meaningful to you. Specifically, Vanderkam suggests that you create a list of 100 things to do before you die, and then that you start doing anything cheap and easy from the list. The more things you try, the more you’ll discover what you like and why you like it—and the better able you’ll be to spend time on things that matter to you.)

When you’ve cultivated a rich life and various interests, think about the kind of woman you want and how to meet her. Manson recommends that you envision your ideal woman: What is she like, and where does she hang out? Then review your own interests: Which hobby of yours could you pursue in a way that helps you meet the women you want? For example, if you like to read and want a well-read woman, you could join a book club.

(Shortform note: Manson assumes that your ideal woman shares your hobbies. But in How to Not Die Alone, Ury explains that sharing hobbies is not an important component of a successful long-term relationship—as long as you both allow each other to pursue your own interests independently. Rather, Ury recommends that you look for women who complement you. For example, if you’re an introvert, look for someone who’ll pull you out of your shell.)

Once you’ve discovered how to pursue this hobby, start doing so and become a leader in that environment. Manson explains that, by nature, humans view you as higher-status if others also view you as high-status. However, this status is environment-dependent. For example, a famous Chinese celebrity might walk unknown through the streets of San Francisco—until he arrives in Chinatown, where people recognize him. So if you want the women you like to view you as high-status, you should take on a status-boosting position in the place where you meet them. Using our previous example, you wouldn’t just join the book club; you might become the guy who decides where the book club happens.

(Shortform note: If you’re a heterosexual woman trying to attract men using Manson’s advice, taking on a leadership position to boost your status within your hobby may have mixed results depending on your physical appearance. Studies suggest that men’s interest in fairly attractive women decreases if those women are high-status. However, men’s interest in extremely attractive women increases if those women are high-status.)

Key #2: Overcome Your Worries

The second key to living authentically, according to Manson, is to overcome your worries about pursuing women and then actively pursue them. When you don’t pursue a woman because you’re worried she’ll reject you, you embody non-confidence: You’re prioritizing her potential judgment of you instead of acting on your own truth (your desire to approach her). In contrast, by actively pursuing a woman, you embody confidence: You’re acting on your own truth—even if you’re afraid that she’ll reject you.

(Shortform note: In The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck, Manson adds that overcoming your fear of rejection is helpful not just when pursuing a woman but also once you’ve entered into a committed relationship with one. Manson asserts that in a healthy relationship, both partners prioritize being honest with each other; in other words, they both act on their own truths and embody confidence, and they’re comfortable with both saying and hearing “no.” While this rejection can result in hurt feelings, this pain is short-lived because both partners care about each other enough to work through the difficulty together.)

Manson warns that if you don’t overcome these worries, you’ll likely handle them in a potentially problematic way. Notably, you might hold women responsible for your fear, which can create damaging prejudices. For example, if you’re afraid to speak to women, you might fool yourself into thinking that the reason you don’t talk to women is that all women are too stupid to talk to you. Alternatively, you might tell yourself that you don’t know how to talk to women yet and need to learn more flirting tips—which prevents you from practicing and improving your real-life skills. For example, you’ll read yet another dating book instead of going on Tinder.

Incel Psychology: The Risk of Not Overcoming Your Worries

If your fear prevents you from actively pursuing women and you’re trying to learn more about how to approach them online, you might come across the incel community. “Incels,” or involuntary celibates, believe that they weren’t born physically attractive and are thus unable to have sexual relationships with women.

These men assume that women only sleep with physically attractive men, that other qualities like kindness don't attract women, and moreover, that their own levels of physical attractiveness are fixed and not improvable. As a result, they blame women for their lack of sexual prowess and don’t try to date them because they think they’ll be rejected anyway. Incels sometimes go to extremes: Many self-identified incels have committed mass murder.

That said, overcoming these worries doesn’t necessitate that you get rid of them entirely. As Manson points out, worry is a normal emotion that you’ll never eradicate. Rather, to build confidence, you must learn to act despite any worry you might feel. Each time you do so, you’ll become a little bit braver.

For example, if you ask a woman you’ve never met out on Instagram, you should write, “I know this is a little weird, but do you want to meet in person sometime?”’

Why Acting Despite Your Worry Might Make You Braver

In Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman elaborates on why acting despite your worry might make you braver. Goleman explains that worry exists because it’s beneficial: Worrying helps you come up with solutions by anticipating danger before it occurs. This is why it’s tough to simply stop worrying—your rational brain sees why worrying is good and so wants you to continue doing so.

Therefore, Goleman states that you must actively challenge your worries by asking yourself questions like, “Is this dreaded event probable?”. It’s possible that acting despite your worry also constitutes a challenge to those worries: You prove to your brain that your worry wasn’t useful—and so you’re less likely to worry when you take a similar action in the future.

How to Act Despite Your Worry

So how do you get yourself to act despite your worry? Manson suggests that the first step to overcoming these worries is to identify exactly what scares you. The most damaging fear is the fear of approaching a woman because unless you can speak to a woman, you’ll never forge an intimate connection with her. However, you may be scared of other things, like asking her out once you’ve gotten her number.

(Shortform note: The Factfulness authors argue that fear depends on both your risk and exposure, and so you can reduce your fear by evaluating the likelihood of your feared outcome actually happening. So after identifying exactly what scares you, consider also identifying your worst-case scenario and how likely that scenario is to happen. For example, your worst-case scenario when approaching a woman or asking her out might be that she tells you that you’re gross and that she was never interested in you—but most people are polite enough not to do that. By acknowledging that your worst-case scenario is unlikely to happen, you’ll lessen your fear.)

Second, select the tiniest possible version of the thing that scares you. Repeat this tiny thing daily until it’s not hard, then make it slightly harder—until you eventually work up to doing the major thing that scares you. For example, say you’re scared of having conversations with women. Instead of trying to force yourself to talk, make a goal to simply smile at three women each day. Once you grow comfortable with that, add just one sentence, like “Have a nice day!” when speaking with, say, a female barista. Slowly work up to adding more sentences until you’re comfortable with a full-blown conversation.

(Shortform note: Manson’s description of how to overcome your worries is similar to how BJ Fogg recommends that you develop a habit in Tiny Habits. Like Manson, Fogg suggests that you identify an impactful behavior and make it completely unintimidating by selecting its tiniest possible version. Fogg recommends that you repeat this behavior daily until it’s not hard, and then expand it slightly. Unlike Manson, Fogg suggests that you celebrate each time you successfully perform the tiny behavior—a habit you may want to adopt each time you successfully do the tiny thing that scares you. When you celebrate your success, you feel good—and your brain notes and reinforces any actions it performed before feeling good.)

Key #3: Express Yourself Well

According to Manson, the third key to living authentically is to “communicate honestly,” or to express yourself well. Manson suggests that this is a two-part process. First, you must be authentically vulnerable. Second, you must convey that vulnerability effectively.

Why does authentic vulnerability matter? As we learned earlier, women gauge your value based on your confidence. Manson explains that, to judge your confidence, women decide whether you’re expressing vulnerability—which they do by reading your “intentions,” or objective. If your objective matches your behavior, she’ll trust you when you convey your attraction to her and so will be willing to explore it. But if your objective doesn’t match your behavior, she’ll notice this mismatch and grow distrustful of you—so when you convey your attraction to her, she’ll feel unsafe and want to leave. Therefore, if you try to communicate vulnerability—but your true objective is to sleep with her—you’ll turn her off.

(Shortform note: Studies support Manson’s contention that women are innately able to read your objective and determine whether you’re being authentically vulnerable. Studies suggest that women are better at mentalizing, which is the ability to judge what another person is thinking, and that they’re better at empathy, which is the ability to judge what another person is feeling. Studies also support Manson’s contention that it matters that people perceive you as authentic: People judge men as more physically attractive when told that those men are honest.)

However, Manson notes, it’s not enough to be authentically vulnerable; you must also be able to convey yourself effectively. Miscommunications happen in all situations—romantic and otherwise. But if you’re able to convey your attraction effectively, you minimize the chances that a woman misinterprets you and maximize your chances of building a deeper connection with her.

(Shortform note: In Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, John Gray suggests that learning to communicate well is essential not just when trying to date a woman but also during the relationship because nearly all relationship problems stem from communication errors. Gray asserts that this is because men tend to communicate information, while women tend to communicate feelings—and so men must learn to interpret the literal request behind the woman's feelings. For example, he must learn to recognize that when she says, “We never go on dates anymore,” she really means, “Will you take me out to dinner again soon?”)

So how can you express yourself well? Manson suggests several techniques for the

four stages of attracting a woman: the introduction stage, the conversation stage, the dating stage, and the physical intimacy stage.

1. The Introduction Stage

Manson recommends that you calmly walk up to her from the front (you don’t want to scare her). Smile and introduce yourself with a simple opening line, like “I’m X. I think you’re hot so I wanted to say hi.” Don’t stress over the exact words! At this stage, she’s merely deciding whether you’re confident and have an honorable objective; a needlessly complicated line will make you seem unconfident and seedy. If women regularly don’t give you the time of day at the introduction stage, something’s wrong. Double-check that your objective is honorable, that you’re expressing confidence in your approach, and that you look good.

(Shortform note: Manson assumes that you’re introducing yourself to a woman in person—but how do you introduce yourself to a woman you’ve matched with online? In How to Not Die Alone, Ury warns against simple opening lines because they’re too generic: Women are more apt to ignore lines like, “I think you’re hot so I wanted to say hi,” that you could have sent to anybody on your list. Instead, Ury recommends that you send a message that sparks conversation by highlighting something you’ve read on her profile. And if you’re constantly getting ignored online, it may not have anything to do with your individual choices: For example, as Ury notes, Asian men have a much harder time dating online than do men of other races.)

2. The Conversation Stage

To converse well with a woman, Manson suggests that you master three main skills. The first skill is sharing information about yourself. To grow comfortable with sharing information about yourself, practice talking for a minute about several topics on which you two are likely to connect—such as your background or your future goals.

The second skill is getting her to share information about herself. Manson suggests that you learn to make declarations instead of asking questions. For example, don’t ask where she’s from; guess where she’s from based on an observation. By doing so, you practically guarantee that the conversation continues. If you’re wrong, she’ll correct you or ask why you guessed that; if you’re right, she’ll be impressed and want to know how you got it right. Making declarations also allows you to direct the conversation with potentially off-topic statements, which helps ensure that the conversation doesn’t stop because you can’t think of a new question.

The first and second skills help you because they provide you with more opportunities to find something in common and increase the intimacy between you.

More Ways to Foster an Emotional Connection

In How to Talk to Anyone, Leil Lowndes provides further tips for fostering an emotional connection with someone so that you can reveal more about yourselves to each other and thus find greater commonality and intimacy. When preparing answers to common questions, like those that ask about your background or goals, include not just the answer but also an interesting fact or observation that fosters conversation: For example, you might say, “I'm from X, where they make the best goat cheese in the world.”

Instead of recommending that you make declarations about someone, as Manson does, Lowndes recommends that you ask questions to continue the conversation. If you’re worried that you’ll run out of things to talk about, Lowndes suggests that you prepare in advance by listening to the news (so that you have common topics to discuss) and that you continually try new activities (which will improve your ability to communicate with different kinds of people).

During the conversation, Lowndes recommends that you ask questions about how they spend their time, listen to their answer, then express how much you enjoyed listening to them and relate your interest to theirs. By doing so, you’ll signal that you’re interested in who they are and what they like—so they’ll like you more.

The third skill is showcasing your sense of humor. This conveys that you’re confident enough to laugh without obsessing over others’ opinions. People enjoy different types of humor, so just try to be funny in the way that you think is funny—for example, some people enjoy sarcastic comments, while others enjoy puns. Focus on finding a woman whose sense of humor complements yours rather than trying to convince someone else that you’re funny. If you’re not funny, study famous comics to improve your ability to make women laugh.

Why and How to Be Funny

Like Manson, other experts agree that humor is essential to the relationship but for different reasons. In How to Not Die Alone, Ury recommends that you make your partner laugh not because it shows confidence but because laughter creates oxytocin, a hormone that encourages connection. And while experts agree that you should focus on finding a woman whose sense of humor complements yours, they clarify that doing so bodes well for your long-term romantic future: The happiest couples share a sense of humor and are able to laugh at the same things.

This is true even if neither partner is a huge jokester—but if you do want to be funnier, try studying not just famous comics but also how humor works: Psychologists have found that people who can explain why something is humorous tend to be funnier.

3. The Dating Stage

After a successful conversation, you can move on to the dating stage, which begins when you ask a woman for her phone number. Manson notes that some women will give you their phone number but not respond to or go out with you—either because they’re not genuinely interested or for other reasons (like they’re busy at work that week). You can reduce the possibility of getting the number of a woman who’s not interested by only asking for her contact information if she seems to like you—which she’ll demonstrate via signs like stroking her hair or paying more attention to you than to her friends. But after your first meeting, it’s hard to tell whether she’s lost interest or she’s genuinely distracted.

Therefore, Manson recommends giving every woman three chances. After meeting someone, message her within 24 hours to say it was nice to meet her. The following day, text something relevant to your previous conversation. Build a little rapport if you can, but focus on scheduling a date. If she blows you off at any point (such as by not texting back or missing a date), you can try again (like by texting again)—but if she does so three times in total, move on to someone else.

How to Tell if A Woman You Met Online Likes You

Manson’s recommendations assume that you meet the woman in person. How can you tell if a woman you matched with online is genuinely interested? In The Unplugged Alpha, Cooper suggests that one clue is whether she gives you her phone number: If she does, she’s interested, but if she tries to give you an alternate form of communication or keep the conversation on the dating app, she doesn’t intensely desire you and you should move on. The second clue is how far she’s willing to travel to meet you: A woman who intensely desires you will at least be willing to meet you halfway.

After your first date, Cooper recommends you pay attention to her behavior. A woman who intensely desires you will have sex with you quickly, go out of her way to meet you, and respond to texts within a reasonable time frame. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t intensely desire you, and you shouldn’t waste your time on her—in other words, don’t give her three chances, give her zero.

Assuming you do successfully schedule a date, how should you proceed? On your first date, Manson suggests that you schedule four to six consecutive activities—most of which involve something active and opportunities to touch. For example, you might get hot chocolate, walk through a holiday market, go ice skating, then grab donuts. The more activities you do with someone, the greater intimacy you build—and the greater your chances of having sex. You can also improve your chances of having sex by scheduling your date at night and doing the activities close to either your or her place.

How Other Experts Suggest That You Approach a First Date

Other experts have different recommendations regarding how to proceed on your first date. Like Manson, Logan Ury argues that you should try to build intimacy on the first date. However, instead of scheduling several different activities that allow for movement and touching, Ury suggests that you do something creative together: You’ll have fun and learn whether your date has qualities that make them a good long-term candidate—like whether they persist despite challenges.

Conversely, in The Unplugged Alpha, Cooper recommends that you don’t try to build intimacy on the first date. Rather, Cooper argues that the first date is for determining whether you have a connection and whether you like her at all; you can start trying to build intimacy later. That said, Cooper assumes that you met the woman online (a topic Manson doesn’t cover), so consider following Cooper’s recommendations for women you meet online and Manson’s for women you meet in person.

4. The Physical Intimacy Stage

If the date is going well, how do you take things further physically? Manson explains that women are turned on by being wanted. Therefore, it’s essential that you demonstrate how much you want her by touching her. So take the lead and push forward unless she asks you to slow down or stop (or is clearly incapable of doing so because she’s incapacitated in some way).

Manson recommends that you start touching her during the conversation stage. Start by touching the outer edge of her body (like her shoulder), and pay attention to how she responds. If she’s smiling a lot, looking at you, and putting herself nearer to you than she needs to be, she’s likely into you.

(Shortform note: When should you start touching a woman if you met her online (and thus skipped the pre-date conversation stage)? Experts warn against touching her too sexually on the first date, as this may make her think that you’re overly touchy and promiscuous. Instead, touch her only in ways that aren’t overtly sexual—for example, touch her lower back gently to guide her, but avoid wrapping your arm around her waist. And, as Manson says, pay attention to her reaction, since women differ on whether or not they like being touched on a first date: If she’s smiling a lot, looking at you, and putting herself close to you, she may like you, but that doesn’t guarantee that she wants to be touched.)

The next step is to kiss her. Manson explains that if she’s interested, she’ll likely touch you or purposefully manipulate the situation so that you’re alone together (such as suggesting that you get some air and leaving her friends in the bar). That said, men are mostly oblivious to female signals of desire—so if you do perceive that she’s open to you kissing her, she’s likely sent you several signals already and so you should just kiss her. When you kiss her, be gentle and caress the rest of her body as well. And if she turns the kiss down, ask why—she may not be ready or she may merely be uncomfortable with your location.

How to Gain Enthusiastic Consent

Many modern daters operate on the principle of enthusiastic consent. This means that you assume that the answer is no unless she tells you yes (unlike Manson, who operates on the assumption that the answer is yes unless she tells you no). When you’re operating under the principle of enthusiastic consent, interpreting your date’s body language and cues (such as when she touches you or purposefully ensures that you’re alone together) is still important because it helps you decide whether to pursue the next step. However, when pursuing the next step, you must gain verbal consent prior to initiating that step instead of going ahead and then stopping only if you perceive that she’s uncomfortable.

How can you gain enthusiastic consent and demonstrate how much you desire your date without making things awkward? Experts recommend that you ask assertively (instead of pausing or hesitating) and without interrupting whatever you’re currently doing. For example, if you’re massaging her shoulders, ask during the massage to kiss her by saying, “I want to kiss you,” rather than, “Um, I was wondering, if I could, um, kiss you.”

Finally, escalate kissing into sex. Manson suggests that you start by touching her breasts—if she’s enthused, she likely is willing to have sex. To be good in bed, Manson suggests that you do three things. First, during foreplay, create anticipation, which will heighten her arousal: For example, brush your fingers against her nipples before pinching them. Second, dominate her: Giving up control turns women on. Try physically moving her around or talking explicitly about what you’re doing. Finally, communicate with her: Be open about what you like or dislike, and learn to laugh if things go awry. The better your communication, the more intimate you’ll feel—and the better sex you’ll have.

What Other Experts Say About Having Good Sex

Experts differ on the effectiveness of Manson’s recommendations. In She Comes First, Ian Kerner agrees that anticipation is essential for women to feel arousal and that touching her breasts and nipples can put her in the mood for sex. However, he recommends that you start building this anticipation before you start touching each other, such as by dropping hints throughout the day with sexy messages.

Similarly, while experts agree that many women like to be dominated, they suggest that the turn-on lies not in the losing of control but the gaining of it: In everyday life, women tend to fill specific societal roles, and surrendering control in the bedroom allows them to regain control of what role they want to play. Experts also warn against trying to dominate a woman by physically moving her or talking explicitly unless you gain clear consent first, as otherwise, you may risk damaging your relationship.

Finally, experts agree that communication and a sense of humor are essential to good sex: Studies suggest that couples who communicate about sex enjoy sex more. That said, be careful how you laugh during sex—laugh with your partner, not at them.