PDF Summary:Leadership and Self-Deception, by The Arbinger Institute
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Self-deception—our tendency to see the world around us in a distorted way—is a common personal and organizational problem. Leadership and Self-Deception explains how self-deception derails personal relationships and keeps organizations and leaders from achieving the results they want. Instead of focusing on producing results, many leaders are trapped “in the box” of distorted thinking—they blame others to justify their own failures and can’t see how they themselves are a problem. They create the “people” problems that plague many organizations. Through a business fable, this book tells leaders how to get “out of the box”—but you don’t have to be a leader to use the principles to change your life and workplace.
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- Over time, certain behaviors and justifications can become habitual for you.
By blaming and mistreating others, you provoke unconstructive behavior from them in return. Now, they’re in the box too, and you get into a destructive cycle with them. You blame them, they react to your blame, you blame them even more, they react, and so on. You reinforce each other’s reasons to stay in the box and act badly.
To justify your behavior, you each need the other person to behave badly. You end up undermining the effectiveness of everything you do and making things worse.
Here’s an example of how mutual blame and reinforcement work:
- If you’re in the box in your thinking toward your teenager and he gets home late, you’ll see him as irresponsible and disrespectful. You might respond with criticism and discipline. If he’s in the box toward you, he’ll respond by viewing you as dictatorial. Rather than do what you want him to do—get home earlier—he’s likely to get home later. Thus you provoke him to do more of what you don’t want, and he, in turn, provokes more of what he doesn’t want from you: discipline.
Self-Betrayal in Organizations
There are two ways distorted thinking or being in the box keeps companies from getting results or accomplishing their goals.
1) When you’re in the box, you’re focused on self-justification—you wish for others’ failure so you can feel vindicated for blaming them. But wanting others to fail goes against your company’s or organization's interests.
2) Also, when you’re in the box and focused on yourself, you view results in a distorted way. People may describe you as results-focused, but you’re mainly interested in using results to make yourself look good.
You prioritize your results over other people’s results and may trample others to get your results. By being in your box, you provoke others—for instance, by withholding information or resources—and they respond by doing the same things. You feel justified in blaming them and they feel justified in blaming you.
This kind of contagion can easily spread through an organization, so that instead of focusing on results, people and departments align against each other. Although they were hired to help the organization succeed, they end up taking satisfaction in others’ failures and resent anyone’s success.
‘People’ Problems
In addition to undermining a company’s results, distorted in-the-box thinking creates “people” problems that can seriously damage or sink the organization. They include:
- Conflict, stress, distrust, backstabbing, and poor teamwork
- Lack of accountability, motivation, engagement, or commitment
- Poor communication
In-the-box thinking (self-deception) starts with self-betrayal, so addressing self-betrayal is the solution to “people” problems.
When individuals fail to do things they should for coworkers, they betray themselves and blame others to justify their behavior. As the problems escalate, everyone participates in a collective betrayal of not helping the organization achieve its results, as they were hired to do.
How to Get Out of the Box
The way to get out of the box, or escape your distorted thinking about others, is to see them as people rather than obstacles or threats. You need to see others as people with needs on a par with your own needs and stop resisting your sense of obligation to others.
As soon as you stop resisting and choose to respond to others’ needs, you’re being true to yourself. You no longer need your self-justifying thoughts and feelings—and you’re out of the box.
This is difficult when self-justifying behavior has become a habit, but it’s doable one step at a time. The fact is that while you’re in the box with some people, you’re probably and out of the box with others at the same time. This is a positive sign because being out of the box with someone means you have the capacity to change your perspective more generally and be out of the box with others in your life as well.
When you’re out of the box with someone, your awareness of their needs can help you break down your boxes with others. When you start seeing one relationship more clearly, you begin seeing others more clearly as well.
Staying Out of the Box
The more you stop resisting others’ needs and respond to them instead, the more you’ll stay out of the box. This doesn’t mean doing everything for everyone—it means doing what you can. Appreciating others and treating them considerately is liberating and frees up the energy required for self-justification.
Leadership Outside the Box
To manage outside the box, leaders need to be prepared to handle the most common workplace self-betrayal: employees get into a box in terms of their relationships with coworkers and undermine the company’s results.
Here’s how it develops: When most people start a job, they’re thankful to have it and feel an obligation to contribute to the company’s success. They start out wanting to do their best, but over time their feelings change. They begin to develop negative feelings toward coworkers and to have problems. They get into boxes.
Managers who are in the box themselves, or thinking in distorted ways, can’t fix these employee problems. But being out of the box and seeing the situation clearly allows you, as a manager, to assess responsibility and solve the problems. Because you’re not focused on blaming others and justifying your own actions—but on meeting the company’s needs—you’re in a position to help employees stay on track.
From an employee’s perspective, it’s challenging to work for a boss who’s often in the box, and you can get pulled into a box of your own, in which you justify your failings by blaming your boss’s bad behavior. Of course, once you respond from within your box, you need your boss to continue being a bad boss to maintain your justifications.
Instead, when your boss is in the box and behaves badly, you should take note of the effects and resolve to be a better leader yourself if you get the chance someday. People may follow an in-the-box manager because they feel they have no other option. But forcing allegiance isn’t leadership. In contrast, people choose to follow out-of-the-box leaders.
Your success as a leader depends on avoiding self-betrayal by being true to yourself and responding to others’ needs. When you’re out of the box of self-deception, you can support out-of-the-box behavior in others. Leaders owe it to themselves, their company, and their employees to be out of the box.
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PDF Summary Introduction
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Our self-deception hinders our ability to make good decisions, undermining our leadership effectiveness and happiness.
This book, published by the Arbinger Institute (no authors are named), is about how to solve the problem of self-deception, both in individuals and organizations. Through the fictional story of a new executive joining an unusual company, the book explains how and why self-deception develops and how to counter it.
PDF Summary Part 1 | Chapters 1-4: The Problem of Self-Deception
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Bud explained that problems like Tom’s develop when people put their own needs first and justify treating others badly without accepting or realizing they’re doing so. Tom, like most people, was deluded about his behavior. Under questioning from Bud, Tom acknowledged feeling “stuck” with some incompetent or lazy employees. But Tom felt he was treating them appropriately by being direct in pointing out their faults or by manipulating some of them to get what he wanted.
Bud pointed out, though, that Tom wasn’t handling people as effectively as he thought he was, and likely was making things worse. His sense of reality was distorted—he was focused on others’ faults when he himself was the problem.
Bud explained that if you’re treating people appropriately, but still feel they’re a problem or don’t respect them, that message (how you really feel about them) comes through—and they respond defensively.
Bud acknowledged once having the same shortcoming of being blind to his impact on others, which was why he could help Tom succeed. Bud described an experience early in his career when, as a young lawyer, he participated in putting together a big financing deal. As Bud focused on his...
PDF Summary Chapter 5: Leadership and the Box
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In both examples, the first person’s words and gestures didn’t match his feelings, and the other person responded with resistance.
The Story: A Leader Who Inspired
As their meeting continued, Bud told Tom about an incident during his early years working for Zagrum company. He worked hard under a short deadline to complete every aspect of an assignment except a small one—he was tired after hours of work and decided this aspect was unimportant compared to all he'd accomplished. The next day, Bud presented his work to company executives, and noted at the end that he hadn’t finished the one small thing.
Lou Herbert, then company president, turned to then-vice president Kate Stenarude and reassigned the task to her. As Bud left the meeting feeling embarrassed, Lou walked him back to his office. After a friendly conversation, Lou gently said that he hoped Bud wouldn’t let the team down in the future. Lou was a legend in the company and industry for the way he inspired and motivated people—and now Bud understood why. He sensed that Lou cared about him and wanted him to do better, and he responded by improving his performance rather than by feeling resentful or threatened.
As...
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Learn more about our summaries →PDF Summary Chapters 6-8: The View From the Box
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As Tom discussed the incident with Bud, it occurred to him that he’d been in the box and viewed the woman in a distorted way, as a threat or nuisance to him rather than as a person who probably had a good reason to use the room (although she shouldn’t have erased the board without asking). He hadn’t even asked her name.
Bud noted that the secret to Zagrum Company’s success was building a culture where they treated others as people rather than objects. While skill and talent are important at all companies, the difference at Zagrum was that its people-centered environment encouraged talented people to work harder. In contrast, leaders in most organizations are trapped in the box of self-deception and treat people as obstacles rather than inspiring them.
Bud told Tom that he knew the woman Tom had called on the carpet—Bud pointed out that her name was Joyce Mulman, which indicated to Tom that Bud had already heard about the incident. Bud suggested that not being interested in learning a person’s name is a sign you aren’t interested in knowing her as a person. He said Zagrum’s executive team made a point of learning as many employees’ names and faces as possible. It occurred...
PDF Summary Part 2: In the Box | Chapters 9-13: Self-Betrayal Boxes You In
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2) He started seeing things in a way that justified his choice: Since Nancy didn’t immediately get up either, he started to feel she was being lazy, inconsiderate, or even faking sleep to force him to get up. In reality, Nancy wasn’t nearly as bad as Bud made her out to be. In fact, he’d never noticed any flaws until he needed to exaggerate them to justify his own behavior.
3) His view of reality became distorted. As Bud began seeing Nancy as an inadequate wife and mother, he began seeing himself as the victim. He was hardworking and important; he had to get up early in the morning, so he deserved uninterrupted sleep. He exaggerated his own virtues—he saw himself as a good husband and father when his behavior demonstrated the opposite.
4) Bud’s distortions and justifications could become habitual (he would carry his box with him) if, the next time the baby cried, he felt no sense that he should respond.
Tom’s Life in the Box
As he listened to Bud and Kate discuss the crying baby story, Tom couldn’t see how it applied to his relationship with Laura.
He felt resentful toward Laura, but believed his feelings were justified. She seemed to always find fault...
PDF Summary Chapters 14-16: Blame and Reinforcement
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This soon affects how you begin to talk about them to others. The more people you can get to agree with you, the more justified you feel in your position. For example, if you were the parent whose son came home late, you might enlist your spouse to join you in blaming your son. At work, you might seek allies to reinforce and further feed your blame cycle with someone.
In this way, you further amplify the problem. If anyone tries to correct you, you resist because you’re in the box of self-deception and can’t see that you’re the problem.
In many companies, this destructive cycle gets in the way of achieving the results the company needs.
Self-Betrayal in Organizations
Bud explained that there are two ways distorted thinking or being in the box keeps companies from getting results or accomplishing what they need to.
1) When you’re in the box, you’re focused on self-justification, and what brings you justification—the failures of others—goes against your company’s or organization's interests.
2) Also, when you’re in the box and focused on yourself, you view results in a distorted way. People may describe you as results-focused, but you’re mainly interested...
PDF Summary Part 3: Out of the Box | Chapters 17-23: New Chances
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When you’re out of the box with someone, your awareness of their needs can help you break down your boxes with others. When you start seeing one relationship more clearly, you begin seeing others more clearly as well.
Staying Out of the Box
The more you stop resisting and instead respond to others’ needs, the more you’ll stay out of the box. This doesn’t mean doing everything for everyone—it means doing what you can. Appreciating others and treating them considerately is liberating and frees up the energy required for self-justification. For instance, in the example of Bud ignoring the crying baby, he probably expended more effort mentally justifying his inaction than he would have by immediately getting up and caring for the baby.
The Story: Tom Gets Out of the Box
During the discussion of self-justification and provoking others, Tom thought of his wife and son and how he’d blamed and provoked them to justify his neglect of them. He realized they needed both his attention and apologies.
On his way home that evening (with his final session with Bud to take place the next day), Tom decided to pick up some items for a backyard barbecue. He would start...
PDF Summary Chapter 24: Working Outside the Box
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Managers who are in the box themselves, or thinking in distorted ways, can’t fix these employee problems. But being out of the box and seeing the situation clearly allows you to assess responsibility and solve the problems. Because you’re not focused on blaming others and justifying your own actions—but on meeting the company’s needs—you’re in a position to help employees improve their performance.
Tom thought of his former boss, Chuck Staehli, whom he’d been blaming for treating employees badly and being difficult to work with. Chuck was clearly in the box, but Tom realized he was also in the box in terms of his thinking toward his former boss.
Bud acknowledged that it’s challenging to work for someone who’s often in the box, and you can get pulled into a box of your own, in which you justify your failings by blaming your boss’s bad behavior. Of course, once you respond from within your box, you need your boss to continue being a bad boss to maintain your justifications.
But when your boss is in the box and behaves badly, you should take note of the effects and resolve to be a better leader yourself if you get the chance someday. Bud explained that **people may follow an...
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PDF Summary Appendix: How to Use This Book
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- Building accountability in organizations: Teaching leaders to be out of the box encourages initiative, responsibility for results and for responding to others, and accountability.
- Personal development: Getting out of the box increases happiness and satisfaction. It improves self-esteem, treatment of others, and the ability to change.