PDF Summary:Just Listen, by Mark Goulston
Book Summary: Learn the key points in minutes.
Below is a preview of the Shortform book summary of Just Listen by Mark Goulston. Read the full comprehensive summary at Shortform.
1-Page PDF Summary of Just Listen
The secret to influencing others is more passive than you might think. In Just Listen, Mark Goulston explains that if you want to change someone’s mind or behavior, listening is the most important step. When you listen effectively, the person you’re trying to connect with feels heard, understood, and valuable, and motivates them to open up to you in return.
Goulston is a psychiatrist and professor, whose experience ranges from talking down suicidal individuals to training FBI negotiators to helping business executives communicate for success. He claims that the key to convince anyone to open up to you is to just listen.
In this guide, we’ll examine Goulston’s listening principles and strategies and compare them to books such as Leadership: Strategy and Tactics. We’ll also discuss what other psychiatrists and researchers have to say about Goulston’s advice and add nuances and actionable tips to help you master the art of listening to influence.
(continued)...
(Shortform note: In Leadership Strategy and Tactics, Jocko Willink emphasizes that understanding why someone disagrees with you will help you counter their points more effectively.)
If you’re trying to influence or cooperate with someone with whom you’re having a conflict of ideas, here are the steps Goulston says you should take to understand their perspective:
- Choose an emotion you think the other person is feeling.
- Tell the other person that you’re trying to understand what they’re feeling, and that you think it’s blank (anger, fear, frustration, and so on). Ask them if this is correct. If it’s not, ask them what they’re feeling. Clarify how strongly they feel this emotion.
- After they’ve vented about what they’re feeling, ask why they think they have this feeling. Here is where they will move past their emotion and start discussing the issue at hand.
- Finally, ask what needs to happen for this feeling and situation to improve. Ask what they can do to execute their plan. Ask what you can do to help.
(Shortform note: In an article published since this book was released, Goulston explains that to truly understand someone, you must get to know their personal capabilities, goals, and external circumstances. Doing this will not only help the other person feel appreciative of your awareness, but you’ll also be able to better accommodate their priorities and limitations when you convince them of an idea or offer solutions to their problems. To gather this information, keep these categories in mind as you engage in conversation.)
Now Ask Them to Understand You
After hearing the other person out, encourage them to imagine what you are thinking or feeling by using an analogy. Then, compare that analogy to the real issue and explain how whatever they're doing makes you feel a similar way. For example, if you’re upset that someone struggles to offer you their attention while you’re talking with them, you could ask that person if they’d be upset with someone that’s constantly looking at their phone while they’re trying to talk to them. Then, you could explain that when they don’t offer you their attention, it makes you feel a similar way.
If you’re unable to communicate your hurt feelings through the analogy alone, consider your approach. Experts say that to effectively communicate your feelings and move toward a solution, you should follow these three steps:
Anticipate a positive outcome. When you believe that confronting someone will end poorly, you risk suppressing these emotions until they build up and cause you to lash out at the other person. On the other hand, believing that your conversation will be constructive will help you initiate the conversation and stay calm.
Don’t blame the other person for the way you feel. By blaming the other person for the emotions you’re feeling, you’ll likely cause them to become defensive and closed off to hearing you out. Instead, simply state the emotion you’re experiencing. If the person cares about you, they’ll instinctually ask why you feel that way. When this happens, they’re opening up to you.
Offer a solution. Instead of explaining what you’d like them to stop doing, explain what you’d like them to do differently. It’s less aggressive and will encourage them to consider how they can meet your request.
Get Interested to Be Interesting
To gain someone’s attention and curiosity, focus on learning about them instead of talking about yourself. Goulston explains that if you try to sound interesting, you risk coming off as annoying or self-obsessed. Instead, by displaying sincere interest in the person you’re talking to, you’ll likely inspire them to reciprocate interest in you. Displaying interest in others indicates that you’re self-confident rather than insecure. (Shortform note: When you show you’re confident by displaying interest in someone, they’re more likely to be influenced by you. Research shows that when we determine whether something is going to be successful, the most important influence on our opinion is the opinion of a confident person.)
Here’s how you can develop more interest in the people you’d like to connect with and influence:
- Investigate. Instead of viewing a conversation as an opportunity to impress the person you’re trying to connect with, view it as an investigation of that person. Everyone has something unique and interesting about them. Seek that information.
- Ask for advice. This makes people feel interesting, intelligent, and valued.
- Ask “big-picture” questions about their goals.
Gratitude Versus Flattery: How Does Displaying Interest Win People Over?
Similar to Goulston, the author of How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie, explains that when you display interest in someone, you make them feel valuable. However, Goulston says people open themselves up to you in return because they feel grateful to you, whereas Carnegie argues that by displaying interest in someone, you convince them you have good judgment, which is what opens them up to your influence. He explains that we tend to think highly of ourselves, so when someone shares our interest in us, we think they have good taste.
Carnegie also shares a few straightforward tips for displaying interest in someone:
Remember people’s birthdays and wish them well.
If you’re trying to influence someone that speaks another language, display interest in them by trying to learn some of their language.
Greet people with enthusiasm and call them by their name.
When Showing Interest Backfires
When it comes to romantic relationships, experts say that when you display consistent interest in a potential partner, this increases their friendly feelings toward you, but it also causes them to desire you less. On the other hand, if you pique a potential partner’s interest in you and then display little interest (“play hard to get”), you’ll increase their romantic interest in you. However, playing hard to get will also make the other person feel frustrated and resentful toward you. So, the key to a healthy relationship is to balance between offering friendly interest and desire-inducing behaviors like flirtation and teasing.
Make Others Feel Valuable
When people feel valuable, they’re more willing to enthusiastically support you. Goulston says that this fills people with a sense of purpose, which is one of the most generous things you can do for someone. As a result, they’ll be willing to support you however they can. (Shortform note: Experts say that making others feel valuable isn’t just generous to the person you’re valuing, it’s generous to yourself. Not only does valuing someone inspire them to value you in return, the act of making someone feel good about themselves in itself makes you feel more connected, trusting, and happy.)
One way you can show someone that you value them is by delivering meaningful thank-yous. By displaying thoughtful gratitude, you acknowledge the level of emotion and effort that someone invested in you. This will strengthen your relationship with the person you’re thanking and motivate them to support you in the future. Goulston says that to deliver a meaningful thank you, highlight a specific thing they did for you, acknowledge the effort or difficulty they faced, and explain the positive difference their action made.
(Shortform note: Another way to show your gratitude for someone is by offering them more of your time. Because time seems so scarce during our busy lives, we appreciate when someone takes a moment to spend time with us. Thank someone by creating a window in your day to check in on the person you’re grateful for or write them a handwritten thank-you note (which takes far longer to create and deliver than an email does.)
It’s one thing to show gratitude to those who help you, but Goulston says it’s even more crucial to make the troublesome people in your life feel valuable. If someone in your life often starts conflicts or bothers you for attention, Goulston says making them feel valuable will help persuade them to change their behavior in a positive way. He explains that people who use troublesome behaviors to seek attention tend to do so because they don’t feel valued. Therefore, if you satisfy this need, you’ll remove the need for their attention-seeking behavior, you’ll make them feel appreciative toward you, and they’ll be willing to support you.
(Shortform note: By making someone feel valuable, you can spur a spiral of self-improvement. In Leadership Strategy and Tactics, Jocko Willink argues that designating responsibility to someone empowers them to become more accountable for their actions and committed to plans. This is because when we have ownership over a plan, we’re more likely to solve problems that occur with it, whereas if something goes awry with someone else’s plan, we’re more likely to blame them for it.)
Obstacles to Listening Well
Now that you know the basic rules for listening well, we’ll discuss how to approach internal and external challenges that can make listening difficult. By becoming aware of these challenges and preparing for them, you’ll be able to handle them appropriately. First, we’ll explore internal obstacles to listening, such as biases, dissonance, and personal limitations. Then, we’ll talk about how to effectively connect and cooperate with difficult people.
Address Internal Obstacles
First, we’ll discuss how to overcome personal biases by becoming aware of how you judge others and by assuming there’s more to others than you might think. Next, we’ll talk about how cognitive dissonance occurs, why it can disrupt interactions with others, and how to overcome it. Finally, we’ll explain why it’s beneficial to be honest about your weaknesses.
Overcome Personal Biases
Goulston says that whether we like it or not, the things we hear and the judgments we make about other people are influenced by unavoidable personal biases. The problem is, when we judge someone based on our biases, we use preconceived knowledge that may or may not accurately represent them.
Here are two ways to manage your biases and listen more effectively:
- Memorize your biases: Goulston says we judge people based on five categories (gender, age, ethnicity, education, and emotionality). The simple habit of memorizing and staying aware of these categories as you assess someone helps you spot biases that might not apply to them.
- Use hypothetical justifications: When you have a conflict with someone, make a list of the negative words you’d use to describe them. Then, write five possible reasons that the person is acting the way they are. Next, imagine how your feelings about this person would change if any of these five things were true. Finally, have a conversation with them to discover the real reason they’re acting the way they do.
Combating Bias With Action
What causes bias? Biases are caused by our brain’s natural tendency to organize information into patterns, to take shortcuts, and to inform our decisions based on our limited memory. This results in generalizations about people that can cause us to overlook their individual characteristics.
There are two main categories of bias that influence our daily judgments and actions: explicit bias and implicit bias. Explicit bias consists of our conscious beliefs, whereas implicit bias refers to our subconscious beliefs. In Just Listen, Goulston seems to be referring to implicit biases.
Can we really change our biases? Research shows that biases can be changed, but it takes more than increasing your awareness of what your biases are and how they form. The most data-proven bias improvement program involves learning what bias is, taking a test to measure your personal level of bias, and then combatting bias with the following actions:
Point out stereotypical views when you experience them. This aligns with Goulston’s advice to maintain awareness of the categories that we use to define people so that you can identify biases more readily.
Get to know people as individuals and empathize with them. This tip is compatible with Gouslton’s advice to have conversations with people to discover the real reasons behind their actions or beliefs.
Look to exemplars that defy stereotypes. For instance, one study demonstrated that young girls who participated in science activities and fostered personal connections with female scientists were more likely to view STEM as a possible career path.
Spend time with people who have backgrounds and views different from your own.
Become Aware of Your Dissonance
When you’re on the same page with someone, they’re more likely to listen to you, but your interactions with others are often clouded by dissonance. Dissonance occurs when you’re perceived differently than the way you think you’re presenting yourself or when you perceive someone differently than they see themselves. This prevents you from connecting with other people, which means you’ll have a hard time influencing them.
For example, someone might think they’re being confident and interesting when they ask you out, but to you, they seem arrogant and overbearing. Because you’re perceiving the other person differently than they think they’re coming off, you reflect different emotions back to them and you never land on the same page.
Dissonance also makes us feel unheard and powerless. This can make us defensive and emotional, which prevents us from listening to others. For example, imagine a lady at a retail store who’s passionately concerned about returning a faulty product and finding a replacement. She’s frantic because her grandchild’s birthday is tomorrow and she needs a new gift. Customer service perceives her emotion as aggressive and reflects this aggression back to her, which makes her feel like she isn’t being understood, so she becomes increasingly frustrated. The difference in perception here prevents the two people from reaching a speedy and satisfying solution.
(Shortform note: Experts say that dissonance occurs because our natural biases create blindspots that cause incomplete perceptions of other people. Additionally, our ability to read emotions is imperfect, which can lead us to misperceive someone’s behavior and intentions. For example, we tend to accurately interpret more obvious emotions such as anger, fear, surprise, and disgust, but nuanced emotions such as nervousness, confusion, and disappointment are typically more difficult to pinpoint.)
Here are two ways Goulston says we can overcome dissonance:
1) Ask people you trust to list your worst traits. When you become aware of the negative ways people are perceiving you, you can change them by consciously identifying and avoiding your negative traits on a daily basis. Because people are usually hesitant and uncomfortable giving negative feedback, you could instead ask people to list two ways you can improve. This way, you’re hearing ways you can improve in the future rather than reflecting on ways you’ve failed in the past. This is easier for them to say and for you to hear.
(Shortform note: In The Miracle Morning, Hal Elrod says to identify areas for personal improvement by emailing your close friends and family to ask what your three biggest flaws are. Encourage the people you email to be honest and reassure them that you’re using their feedback to grow as a person. Then, view the feedback from a constructive perspective.)
2) Prevent dissonance by preemptively cautioning whoever you’re interacting with that you may offend them, but that you don’t mean to. This is particularly useful when you’re engaging with people who belong to cultures different from yours.
(Shortform note: If you’ve already offended someone unintentionally, experts say not to blame them for overreacting, and don’t defensively argue that you didn’t mean to offend them. Instead, apologize for hurting their feelings and ask what exactly you said to make them upset so you can avoid repeating it in the future.)
Acknowledge Your Weaknesses
Goulston says that if you hide an obvious weakness, people will think you’re dishonest. This is because if you don’t acknowledge a weakness everyone can see, people may think you’re trying to hide other issues. And if people don’t trust you, they won’t listen to you. Goulston says it’s better to be upfront about your weaknesses so you can establish trust and influence.
(Shortform note: Other ways to establish trust include accepting the vulnerable things people share with you rather than judging them. Additionally, maintain long-term trust by keeping this information private.)
When you admit your weaknesses, the following happens:
- People respect your courage and honesty.
- You demonstrate strength and adaptability.
- You feel more comfortable because you aren’t putting extra effort into covering something up. This comfort will be obvious to whoever you’re trying to influence and make them feel more comfortable and open as well.
(Shortform note: Goulston explains how being honest about your weaknesses commands respect and trust. In addition to this, you’ll also open yourself up to receive support from people who are willing to help you improve. Once people are aware of the skills you’re trying to develop, they’ll be able to give you constructive feedback on your progress.)
To acknowledge your weaknesses effectively, Goulston says to describe your personal weaknesses clearly and concisely, then explain how you’re going to handle them. For example, imagine you have irritable bowel syndrome and you’re interviewing for a job. You tell the interviewers that this problem can cause you to make spontaneous and urgent trips to the bathroom. You explain that this is a symptom you can’t control, but that it won’t get in the way of your duties at work because you plan for spontaneous disruptions by scheduling extra time to commute to work. Further, the nature of your health condition has helped you hone skills that strengthen you as a job candidate, such as adaptability to unexpected disruptions.
(Shortform note: To overcome your weaknesses, capitalize on your strengths. Do this by writing a list of your strengths and weaknesses, then grouping your weaknesses with strengths that you think could compensate for them. When you encounter situations that challenge one or more of your weaknesses, try to apply one of your related strengths to the situation.)
Adapt to People Who Are Difficult to Influence
Goulston warns that toxic or difficult people can destroy your life because they consistently display negative emotions despite your efforts to listen and empathize with them. This can result in a lot of futile time and effort spent trying to listen and connect with people who only respond with negative emotions. This exhausting and toxic behavior can rub off on you over time.
(Shortform note: Toxic people don’t just rub off on you, they can spread their negativity throughout entire companies and cause significant costs. One study found that firing a toxic employee saved companies an average of twice the amount of money as a top performer returned in cost savings. This is because toxic workers not only drag down morale with their contagious negativity, they also cause their coworkers to leave, which leads to turnover costs.)
Here are Goulston’s strategies for getting through to needy people, bullies, narcissists, and psychopaths:
Confront needy people by being honest about how they’re affecting you and what changes need to happen, and explain that you’ll need to end your relationship with them if they don’t change.
(Shortform note: By being direct about the way a needy person is affecting you, you’ll give them a chance to realize their effect on others and adjust their behavior. Oftentimes, needy people aren’t aware of their negative impact because people view them as fragile and avoid offending them. If they’re surprised to hear your complaint, offer them specific examples of their problematic behaviors. Deliver your honest feedback with respect but treat them like they’re strong. By beating around the bush or shying away from your primary complaints, you’ll only be prolonging their behavior. Finally, encourage them to fulfill their emotional needs from a professional.)
Stand up to bullies and act indifferent to their provocative behavior. Bullies will come after you if they sense that you’re weak. So, look them in the eye and display body language that shows confidence and comfort (stand up straight and let your arms hang freely).
When you can afford to take some risk (your job isn’t on the line, for example), you can try a more aggressive approach with bullies. Call them out on what they’re doing and be honest about its effects on people and the bully themself. Because bullies usually don’t get called out for their behavior, this should surprise them and may even cause them to consider opening up to you and changing their behavior.
When you’re trying to cooperate with a narcissist, make sure you split up responsibilities in a way that gives them work that is in their best interest. This is because narcissists only care about themselves and will only do things well if those things serve them well.
Stay away from psychopaths. If you encounter a psychopath, Goulston suggests you distance yourself as much as possible because psychopaths will ruin your life. Goulston says his techniques for connecting with people won’t apply to psychopaths, because they don’t feel emotion like we do and are, by definition, self-centered and manipulative.
Additional Tips to Help You Handle Narcissists, Bullies, and Psychopaths
Research shows that the more narcissistic you are, the more likely you are to be a bully. Here are a few additional tips to help you handle narcissists and bullies in a safe and healthy way:
Record harmful behavior in writing. It’s common for narcissists to manipulate you through gaslighting (denying reality to make you doubt yourself). So, recording events can help you keep your personal record straight. Having a record of incidents is also beneficial if you eventually need to report the details about a bully’s behavior to a boss at work or authorities.
Set boundaries. To limit a bully’s negative influence on you, it’s wise to block them on social media and try not to think about them.
Don’t blame yourself. The negative behavior exhibited by narcissists and bullies is a manifestation of their own fears and insecurities, so don’t take it personally.
Although psychopaths can possess the qualities of narcissists and bullies, they’re additionally characterized as arrogant, manipulative, dishonest, unfeeling, and aggressive. Because of the toxic and dangerous behavior associated with psychopaths, experts echo Goulston’s advice to avoid psychopaths if possible. However, if you aren’t able to remove yourself from a psychopath altogether, here are some tips to help you handle psychopathic people safely:
Limit interaction: If you work with a psychopath, request that you engage with them through email. Research shows that psychopaths are better at negotiating during in-person interactions. So, limit your susceptibility to manipulation by limiting your engagement.
As with typical bullies, it’s helpful not to give psychopaths an emotional reaction when they try to victimize you. By giving in to manipulative games, you’ll make yourself a target.
Seek professional support from a therapist to help yourself cope with any emotional stress caused by the psychopath you’re dealing with.
Want to learn the rest of Just Listen in 21 minutes?
Unlock the full book summary of Just Listen by signing up for Shortform.
Shortform summaries help you learn 10x faster by:
- Being 100% comprehensive: you learn the most important points in the book
- Cutting out the fluff: you don't spend your time wondering what the author's point is.
- Interactive exercises: apply the book's ideas to your own life with our educators' guidance.
Here's a preview of the rest of Shortform's Just Listen PDF summary:
What Our Readers Say
This is the best summary of Just Listen I've ever read. I learned all the main points in just 20 minutes.
Learn more about our summaries →Why are Shortform Summaries the Best?
We're the most efficient way to learn the most useful ideas from a book.
Cuts Out the Fluff
Ever feel a book rambles on, giving anecdotes that aren't useful? Often get frustrated by an author who doesn't get to the point?
We cut out the fluff, keeping only the most useful examples and ideas. We also re-organize books for clarity, putting the most important principles first, so you can learn faster.
Always Comprehensive
Other summaries give you just a highlight of some of the ideas in a book. We find these too vague to be satisfying.
At Shortform, we want to cover every point worth knowing in the book. Learn nuances, key examples, and critical details on how to apply the ideas.
3 Different Levels of Detail
You want different levels of detail at different times. That's why every book is summarized in three lengths:
1) Paragraph to get the gist
2) 1-page summary, to get the main takeaways
3) Full comprehensive summary and analysis, containing every useful point and example