PDF Summary:It Didn't Start With You, by Mark Wolynn

If you suffer from persistent anxiety, depression, or illness, you might be playing out trauma from your family’s past. In this case, the question to ask is not “What’s wrong with me?” but “Where did this come from?”

In It Didn’t Start With You, Mark Wolynn says the source of your suffering may lie hidden in your unconscious, where traumas from your past—and your family’s past—are stopping you from being truly happy and free. Wolynn shares the latest research to reveal how traumas get passed biologically from one generation to the next. He also describes how you can uncover and resolve deeply-rooted trauma by applying his unique therapeutic approach. By doing so, he says, you can reprogram your body, stop suffering, and start living a life you love.

In this guide, we’ll examine research that expands upon Wolynn’s claims. We’ll also consider viewpoints that challenge some of his arguments, such as the importance of reconciling with our parents and the limited effectiveness of talk therapy in treating trauma.

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“Large T” trauma would include life-threatening events such as kidnappings, acts of terrorism, and serious car collisions. “Small t” trauma would encompass unpleasant events that are not life-threatening but that nevertheless cause some degree of hopelessness and compromise our ability to cope with stress. Examples include infidelity, divorce, and financial strain.

Although a single “small t” trauma may not alter someone’s life, many “small t” traumas can accumulate to significantly interfere with someone’s emotional health. Those who support differentiating between “small t” and “large T” trauma say this distinction helpfully acknowledges the very real consequences that stem from stress and overwhelm.

Regardless of how trauma is defined, it’s important to note that not all catastrophic or unpleasant events affect people the same way. For example, one person may be deeply traumatized by a natural disaster whereas another may emerge from the same experience relatively unaffected. How a person responds depends on a number of factors, including their beliefs, expectations, past experiences, and the level of support in their lives.

Step #2: Describe Your Parents

Now that you’ve identified your pain point, the next step Wolynn outlines is to describe your parents—freely and without censoring yourself. To begin, first describe what your mother was like when you were small. Was she playful, affectionate, and supportive? Or depressed, manipulative, and angry? Then, describe your father.

Again, Wolynn says to look for potent, emotional language in your descriptions. Those words and phrases will shed light on feelings and grievances that have been tucked away in your unconscious mind.

Wolynn argues that you will not be able to achieve true peace or freedom until you mend relationships with your parents, as these are defining relationships that form the model upon which you build all other relationships in your life.

For example, if you experienced your father as depressed, angry, and unavailable, you might unconsciously choose a partner with those same tendencies. That allows you to commiserate with your mother by sharing in the frustration and emotional angst that she experiences in her marriage. In the process of mending your relationship with your father, you might discover that his father was physically abusive toward him, and your father suffered in silence until he could escape. That background knowledge, Wolynn says, might give you a broader context for understanding and accepting your dad, thereby supporting your healing.

We’ll cover more about how to mend broken relationships in the next section.

Even “Good” Parents Can Cause Pain

Wolynn discusses the pain and emotional damage abusive parents can cause their children, but he doesn’t address whether and how non-abusive parents might negatively influence their children. Let’s explore this briefly.

According to research, even “good” parents who provide support and love can inadvertently contribute to our difficulties in forming healthy relationships. Their protection and support may not prepare us for hurtful, challenging experiences in the real world. Then, when we encounter criticism or hardship, we don’t know how to respond. This can cause us to feel frustrated, confused, and angry, which we might resentfully direct toward our parents.

Also, our parents’ loving, seemingly “perfect” relationship may give us an impossible standard against which we measure ourselves and any relationships we pursue. This can cause us to avoid trying to establish a satisfying intimate relationship because we think we will inevitably fall short of our parents’ relationship model.

So, regardless of how well our parents raise us, they shape our views and behaviors in some fashion. Their influence commonly shows up, for example, in the way we feel about our bodies, how much we trust others, and the extent to which we strive to please others.

Step #3: Identify Your Biggest Fear

After describing your parents, the third step is to identify what you fear most. Wolynn says that isolating and stating your biggest fear provides the best clue to unraveling your suffering. This root fear, Wolynn asserts, stems from an unresolved trauma, potentially originating in your family’s past.

When you state your biggest fear, Wolynn says, don’t just settle for your initial response. Keep drilling down to find the absolute deepest concern. If you say, “My worst fear is that no matter how hard I work, I’ll never get ahead,” keep digging. So what? What’s the worst thing about that? “I won’t have enough money to live, and I’ll lose my house.” Then what? “I’ll be homeless and I’ll probably get sick.” Keep going. “I’ll die in pain, alone and forgotten.”

The words you land on should affect you on a deep emotional level.

How Much Does Fear Influence Our Lives?

Research backs up Wolynn’s assertion that fear plays a significant role in our overall wellness. When fear is intense and chronic, we can suffer a range of consequences, including mood swings, anxiety, eating disorders, immune system dysfunction, and dissociation from self.

However, while Wolynn sees fear primarily as an obstacle that must be identified and overcome for healing to take place, and although chronic fear can have severe negative consequences, not all fear is bad. We all experience some degree of fear, and that’s actually a good thing.

Fear is a natural physical reaction and can help keep us safe. If we are in danger, fear sparks a range of physiological changes—increased heart rate and breathing and more blood flow to our limbs, for example—which makes it easier for us to protect ourselves when we are in danger. Without fear, we would be very vulnerable to threats and may not survive long.

Aside from the critical function of keeping us alive, small doses of fear can benefit us in many ways. Some of those benefits include giving us a sense of empowerment when we conquer it, helping us lose weight, boosting our immune system, and helping us stay in the present moment.

Step #4: Locate the Source of Your Trauma

Now that you’ve uncovered the specific struggles you face, how can you find the root of that trauma? The author suggests two methods.

The first option Wolynn suggests is to use questions that attempt to link your current angst to something that happened in the past. From the example above related to your biggest fear, you might ask, “Who in my family lost their house? Who ended up homeless? Did someone get severely ill without access to medical care? Who died alone away from their loved ones?”

You can use these exploratory questions on their own, or you can deepen your investigation by applying them in combination with the second option Wolynn suggests for uncovering the source of your trauma: building your family tree.

(Shortform note: You might consider tracking down relatives and clarifying your ancestry through one of the many genealogy services. These services use your DNA to sleuth out your family history through a large database of historical records. You can also go the simpler route of building your family tree in a neat chart. Whichever approach you take, building your family tree can be both educational and fun, and it can be a great way to preserve family stories.)

In building your family tree, jot down who endured notable trauma in the course of their lives and what that trauma involved. These traumas could include experiences such as being abandoned or rejected, enduring pain or illness, being impoverished, being a perpetrator or victim of crime, or being institutionalized.

Once you’ve built your family tree, look closely and explore who could have had feelings or experiences that reflect your own. You might notice patterns that carry over multiple generations. Perhaps your great-grandmother’s first child was killed in a bombing. Your grandmother’s sibling drowned at a young age. Your mother’s second child was stillborn. And you have an intense fear of having children because you’re certain they will die a horrible death.

Treating Trauma Through Psychedelic Therapies

Whereas Wolynn says that identifying the source of trauma is the first step toward healing, other therapeutic approaches address trauma differently—without a direct focus on digging into the past. Therapies using psychedelics, for example, have shown promise in resolving trauma. Let’s examine what research shows about the effectiveness of psychedelic therapies.

Despite the widespread vilification of psychedelics in the 1960s, scientists have continued to research these drugs and their effects on mental health issues. Particularly over the past two decades, there has been a renaissance of research into these therapies. We now know that psychedelics can alleviate deeply entrenched trauma symptoms and persistent depression—based not just on patients’ subjective reporting but also on observable changes to their brain functioning.

In one study, severely depressed people who took psilocybin, the active ingredient in magic mushrooms, reported significant improvement in their symptoms over the course of three weeks. Brains scans of these patients also showed heightened neural connectivity over large areas of their brains, indicating a shift toward the cognitive agility seen in the brains of healthy people.

In other research, the psychedelic MDMA, otherwise known as Ecstasy, has shown to be similarly effective in treating firmly rooted trauma symptoms. Additionally, ketamine has been used for the past 20 years to treat an array of physical and psychological disorders, including chronic pain, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder. Improvements often happen within 24 hours and last for weeks or months.

The Logic Behind Language-Based Trauma Therapy

Now that you understand Wolynn’s four-step therapeutic approach, let’s look at research that underscores why language clues are effective in healing trauma.

Wolynn explains that traumatic experiences compromise our ability to recall and process memories, which keeps us captive to their effects. Here’s why this happens: Some trauma is too difficult for us to process, like an unexpected death in the family, a miscarriage, or being in a war zone. When the trauma hits, our bodies go into survival mode. This causes our minds to go blank—not just in the moment but also later when we try to describe what happened. We just can’t find our words.

Bessel van der Kolk, a Dutch psychiatrist and author of The Body Keeps the Score, has done extensive research showing that trauma blunts the parts of our brain that control speech and allow us to stay present in the moment. This diminishes our ability to accurately recall what happened.

(Shortform note: Van der Kolk is recognized as one of the world’s foremost experts on trauma. In The Body Keeps the Score, he discusses scientific advances that reveal ways trauma influences the body and brain—and the power of relationships to either facilitate or derail healing. Originally published in 2014, his book has become wildly popular, remaining on the New York Times best-seller list for over 168 weeks starting in 2017.)

But, Wolynn explains, traumatic memories don’t vanish. They get stored—in our bodies and our unconscious. Then, when anything even remotely similar to the trauma occurs, we often experience the same panic and distress as during the initial incident. This can influence our lives in unexpected ways. Maybe last year you were mugged while you were leaving work. Now you break out into a cold sweat near the end of every workday, you can’t bring yourself to go anywhere new unless someone goes with you, and you flinch when your partner reaches for you.

Once we can name the trauma and capture our experience and feelings in words, we can begin to loosen its grip. Until then, Wolynn says, healing will be elusive—focused only on managing symptoms rather than healing the pain at its source.

(Shortform note: Wolynn says that naming our trauma and talking about it is an important part of the healing process, but he also says talking alone is not going to cure our suffering. He says a “visceral” experience that surfaces the original pain—gently—is important for moving beyond trauma. Virtual reality exposure therapy is now being used to treat patients with trauma symptoms, including some kinds of phobia. This therapy allows people to confront situations that cause them anxiety and distress while in a safe environment. Over time, people become less sensitive to situations, thoughts, and emotions they previously avoided, which effectively increases their quality of life.)

How You Can Support People Suffering From Trauma Symptoms

As Wolynn discusses, people with trauma symptoms sometimes freeze up and lose their words—they are simply unable to articulate what they’re feeling or experiencing. This can lead to some difficult interactions with the people in their lives who desperately want to support them. Here are some things you can do to offer support in these situations, according to trauma experts:

• Affirm their distress. This could be as simple as saying, “You went through something horrible. I can see how much you’re suffering.”

• Just be there, saying nothing. Sometimes just being present, without talking, helps to soothe someone in extreme distress.

• Acknowledge that you can’t fix their pain or fully understand it. You don’t need to have all the answers, and assuming you do can alienate the person you’re trying to support.

• Let them know they don’t need to talk unless they want to. Pressuring someone to discuss their feelings can escalate their distress and cause them more distress.

• Follow up regularly to make sure they know you’re thinking of them and are available for support if and when they need it.

• Guide them to mental health resources if you think they need professional support beyond your capabilities.

• Give them time to heal on their own terms. Never insinuate that they need to “get over it and move on.”

How to Heal Trauma and Move Beyond It

By this point, you know the four steps you must take to reveal the underlying source of your suffering and why language-based therapy is effective. Now let’s look at how you can heal these wounds to achieve a new level of freedom and joy, according to Wolynn.

No matter what traumas lie in your past, Wolynn affirms that you can break the pattern of suffering. Sometimes, simply making a link to traumas that happened in your family history can alleviate your most intense symptoms. But usually, a one-time breakthrough is not enough.

To achieve true, sustained healing, you must develop practices tailored to your unique circumstances that bring forward soothing emotions and physical sensations. The practices you choose, Wolynn says, should move you at a deep emotional level—powerful enough to eclipse the old, restrictive emotions and patterns that have been interfering with your freedom. Whichever rituals or practices you choose, you must repeat them regularly to cement your insights and healing.

In this section, we’ll look at some examples of healing practices Wolynn suggests you use, which we’ve separated into three categories: visualizations, mending broken relationships, and other action-oriented techniques. Then we’ll examine the scientific research validating the effectiveness of these healing images and practices.

Are There Benefits to Emotional Distress?

Wolynn understandably focuses on eliminating or reducing people’s emotional distress. But are there some benefits to emotional states we commonly think of as strictly negative? Let’s look at what others have to say about this.

Some people have highlighted the benefits of moderate sadness, such as causing people to be more accommodating, considerate, and vigilant. Others note that traumatic experiences can spark personal growth and lead to a greater appreciation for life. To realize these positive effects, follow these tips:

• Explore how you can innovate and adapt to new circumstances. This might include expanding or reshaping how you think of yourself and the people around you. Maybe you’ve ignored your neighbors and colleagues up to this point, but now you could include them as important resources in your social network.

• Focus on past successes and best-possible outcomes rather than dwelling on pain or loss. Exercise and breathing practices can help you regulate intense emotions.

• Talk with someone about what happened and what you’re going through. This can help you come to terms with the impacts of what happened and achieve closure. Hearing from others about how they have managed similar situations can also help you feel less alone.

• Build a narrative of the trauma that highlights how it has opened new, promising opportunities for you. For example, unexpectedly losing your house to a fire could free you to move to your dream city, which you’ve been wanting to do for years.

Visualization

Here are some ways you can follow Wolynn’s recommendation to facilitate your healing through mental images:

• Place your hand on the area of your body that’s been in discomfort—maybe your chest, stomach, or head—and visualize warm, calming light flowing into that area. You can add an affirmation to deepen this experience: “In this moment I am safe.”
• Every time you look at a photo of the family member who experienced the original trauma, imagine sending them a wave of love.
• Imagine showering yourself or your family member with loving energy each time you brush your teeth or brew your coffee.

(Shortform note: How can you possibly find the time for visualization practices when you have so many other things to do? Consider that taking time for healing practices can actually help you find time and be more effective. When you are more attuned to your thoughts, feelings, and actions, you can make better decisions about how you spend your time and energy. To carve out time in your schedule for your visualizations and other healing practices, find small holes in your schedule and block out those time slots. Even a few minutes can make a difference, so don’t worry if you can’t carve out hour-long chunks of time in your schedule. Start small and stay consistent.)

Mend Broken Relationships

Wolynn recommends that you use insights about past grievances to mend broken relationships. You can do this even if your family members are deceased or if you don't know where they are. Here are some options to do this:

• Have a conversation—either in your head or out loud—with your family member addressing their particular trauma: “I know you went through great pain when your husband died suddenly of a heart attack. I have been holding that pain, which has caused me to be needy and clingy in my relationship with my husband. I am surrendering this pain back to you now. Whenever I feel insecure in my relationship, I will breathe in your love and support.”
• Express gratitude toward a parent at a level that feels authentic to you, either privately or in conversation with them—whatever you can muster. For example, you could say, “I am grateful to you for giving me life,” or “I have rejected you and blamed you for a long time. Now I am choosing to be at peace.”
• Imagine your parent saying something loving to you: “I did things to hurt you and I am sorry. Please accept the love I have for you.”

Wolynn clarifies that healing these relationships doesn’t mean excusing a parent’s behavior or even necessarily resuming any kind of ongoing connection with a parent. Rather, he says, healing requires dropping the anger-filled, accusatory stories we have about our parents. Releasing those stories isn’t about giving up or giving in for the benefit of our parents. It’s about freeing ourselves so we can move forward.

Conflicting Views on Reconciling With Parents

Whereas Wolynn is emphatic that we must heal broken relationships with our parents to achieve true healing and to live fully empowered lives, others disagree.

Some say that children of parents who inflicted trauma and abuse should not initiate efforts to repair those relationships—that any healing needs to start with those who caused the suffering. Their view is that children who take it upon themselves to repair these broken relationships put themselves in the position of being the parent, which is likely the unhealthy dynamic they were forced into when they were growing up. Consequently, reengaging with the parent now can expose them to further trauma and abuse.

Still others assert that forgiving abusive parents can do more harm than good, and cutting ties is the better option. From this viewpoint, forgiveness is a two-way street and requires a heartfelt acknowledgment by the abusive parent that they have done something horrible. If a parent isn’t willing or able to acknowledge their harmful behavior and its impact, the child will be exposed to even deeper trauma.

Other Healing Techniques

Wolynn offers many creative suggestions to nurture your healing process. Here are a couple of ideas to spark your imagination:

• Plant a tree to represent new life and freedom. Each time you tend it, express gratitude for your family’s support and sacrifices. (Shortform note: Gardening in general has many benefits, including building self-esteem, increasing your happiness, and improving cardiovascular health.)
• Volunteer at a charity devoted to an issue related to your inherited trauma, such as a shelter for abused women or preventing homelessness. Each time you volunteer, send a message to your family member who suffered the original trauma: “I’m sorry you suffered for so long in an abusive relationship. I am doing something good with that pain now to make a difference for others.”

(Shortform note: Research shows that people who volunteer are happier, are more satisfied with their lives, and have overall better health. These results hold true regardless of people’s initial levels of happiness. In other words, whether people are happy or unhappy before they start volunteering, they get a happiness boost when they start volunteering. Why does this happen? Volunteering provides the intrinsic reward of helping others, the opportunity to develop new skills, and increased emotional support through social connections.)

How Science Validates Healing Through Images and Rituals

Researchers have confirmed Wolynn’s claim that visualizations and positive experiences—real or imagined—can serve as potent healing tools. To understand why this is the case, we must look at how our bodies and brains change over time.

Our bodies and brains are not fixed but rather adapt to our environment and circumstances. When we repeat new, positive experiences—particularly when those experiences feel rewarding and significant—physiological changes start to take place. As Wolynn explains, our bodies release feel-good hormones and activate genes that improve our stress response. Also, our brains start to form new neural connections, which allows us to experience new, positive thoughts and emotions.

Brain scans confirm that simply imagining a conversation in which we forgive—or an experience that allows us to feel comfort and support—activates the same regions in our brain as if we’re actually living this experience. These findings further validate Wolynn’s healing advice.

(Shortform note: Whereas Wolynn focuses exclusively on moving beyond negative thoughts and emotions, others recommend first accepting—rather than resisting—negative thought patterns. By first acknowledging and including negative thoughts in our experience, we can truly move past them instead of simply trying to layer positive thoughts on top of the negative. One practice that supports this integration is to acknowledge your thoughts as fleeting mental events—influenced by myriad factors such as sleep, stress, hormones, and the weather—rather than a reflection of who you are. In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown argues that expressing our vulnerability in this way—if managed well—can be a source of strength, courage, and confidence.)

So, Wolynn says, performing healing practices with intention and consistency—and allowing ourselves to be emotionally moved in the process—reprograms our bodies. We replace old, painful images, feelings, and memories with new, positive memories and emotions. Then, when old, unhealthy patterns start to surface, we’ll have a totally new internal reference point—one that will guide us to respond with love, care, and compassion. For example, instead of reacting in anger or shutting down when your mother criticizes you, you will receive her words with grace and true appreciation—knowing that she is loving you in the way she knows.

To sustain these physiological changes and integrate our healing, Wolynn explains, we must repeat our chosen rituals and visualizations regularly. Ultimately, this will allow us to align our actions with our goals and intentions, opening the door to new possibilities around our health, freedom, and success.

New Research Shows That Positive Environments Can Facilitate Healing

Visualizing positive experiences may help heal trauma, but having positive experiences in real life is arguably more powerful. Wolynn mentions research on mice showing that trauma symptoms can be reversed by positive, low-stress environments. If mice experience trauma early in life, such as being separated from their mothers, their trauma can be “corrected” by immersing them in a pleasant, nurturing environment later in life. Their healing is evidenced by changes in gene expression and neural activity as well as behavioral cues. But does the same thing happen with humans? New research shows promising results.

Since the publication of It Didn’t Start With You, new research shows that positive childhood environments could have similarly beneficial effects in humans who endure trauma. When children are given access to ample free play, affection, family time, and responsive relationships, they demonstrate an ability to respond to stressful situations in a more measured, healthy way without becoming overly agitated. These results indicate that positive childhood environments can reduce—and possibly reverse—the physiological imprint of trauma.

This encouraging research is helping service providers design trauma-informed practices for schools and workplaces that build people’s resilience and coping skills. These programs teach people how to manage emotions in a positive way and provide resources aimed at creating environments that are welcoming and sensitive to people who have gone through trauma.