PDF Summary:How Women Rise, by Sally Helgesen and Marshall Goldsmith

Many women feel barred from advancing their careers but can’t identify the barriers holding them back. In How Women Rise, Sally Helgesen and Marshall Goldsmith argue that these barriers seem invisible because they’re the result of women’s overly self-critical mindset—the product of their desire to meet the rigid gender expectations placed on them by society and to avoid the backlash that occurs when they don’t. This mindset causes most women to develop at least one of 12 common habits that limit their professional success. To break free of these self-inflicted limitations, women must recognize and deconstruct their detrimental thoughts and behaviors.

In this guide, we’ve reorganized Helgesen and Goldsmith’s 12 limiting habits into four main thought patterns. The guide will explain these patterns, the detrimental behaviors they cause, and how to overcome them. In our commentary, we’ll share advice and perspectives from other sources on women’s success, such as Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg and The Confidence Code by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman.

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(Shortform note: In Goals!, Brian Tracy offers advice to help you effectively build and utilize your social network. For example, offer the other person patience, humility, attentiveness, and warmth so that both parties are giving something to the relationship. This may encourage you to utilize your contacts without feeling manipulative because you’re offering the other person something in return—it’s a mutually beneficial interaction. Further, Tracy says you should intentionally network in three areas to most effectively expedite your success: within your business (co-workers, bosses, customers, and so on), within your industry (people in other organizations within the industry), and at home (with loved ones who support you).)

Failing to Utilize Social Networks: The Solutions

The authors provide a few solutions to help women effectively utilize their social networks.

1. When building contacts, remember to be intentional. The authors explain that you should form professional contacts with those you can have a mutually beneficial relationship with. Make connections with people who have something to offer you and who you can offer something to in return. You don’t have to feel strongly about the person to make them a contact, you just have to get along and offer mutual benefits.

(Shortform note: Intentionally selecting who to network with may still make you feel insincere and manipulative. To lessen this feeling, Barker recommends initially focusing on friendship when building connections—try to find and emphasize things you have in common. This will make the connection feel more authentic, even if you formed it for a specific purpose.)

2. Let go of binary thinking. Overcome the belief that utilizing contacts for personal gain is manipulative by acknowledging that things aren’t black and white—just because you’re asking a contact for help with a specific topic doesn’t mean you devalue the rest of their abilities or personality. Utilizing contacts is a natural part of advancing your career—everyone should do it, so you shouldn't feel bad about it.

(Shortform note: In Goals!, Tracy argues that you should reject all self-limiting beliefs (such as binary thinking) and provides three tips to help you do so. First, question your beliefs—ask whether they’re holding you back, get others to point out inaccuracies in your logic, and consider how true they are. Second, choose to only entertain beliefs that will benefit you—for example, that you’re a good person and that you’ll succeed. Finally, imagine the person you want to become and act as if you already possess the skills and qualities they have. For example, imagine you’re already the CEO of your company and that you’re comfortable relying on your network of contacts to help you advance.)

Pattern #3: Perfectionism

Helgesen and Goldsmith explain that women tend to strive for perfection because success boosts their confidence and society views failure as disgraceful. Further, because women are less recognized for their accomplishments than men, they feel they need to go above and beyond to be seen as successful. However, these attitudes cause women to overwork themselves, experience negative emotions, damage relationships, and focus on details that may not be important in the long term.

(Shortform note: The outcomes discussed by the authors above aren’t the only negative side effects of perfectionism. For example, experts warn that perfectionism can cause some people to be less productive—this is because perfectionists may avoid or procrastinate on tasks they don’t think they can do perfectly. Further, perfectionism makes people more vulnerable to other issues like depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, loneliness, and anger.)

Helgesen and Goldsmith discuss two main detrimental behaviors that result from perfectionism.

Behavior #1: Unrealistic Expectations

In pursuit of perfection, women tend to develop unrealistically high expectations for themselves, which impedes their progress in numerous ways. First, unrealistically high expectations cause high levels of stress and strong negative emotions when those expectations aren’t met. Overly high expectations also cause women to hyper-focus on small details in pursuit of perfection, which can prevent them from reaching their big-picture goals. Perfectionists tend to avoid taking risks due to their fear of failure, which can disrupt their ability to advance their careers—as the authors point out, risk-taking is a sought-after leadership quality because it enhances innovation.

(Shortform note: Experts reiterate the negative outcomes of unrealistic expectations and explain that you can use SMART goals to determine whether you’re setting yourself up for failure. First, ensure your goal is Specific—what do you want, how will you get there, and who’s responsible? Then ensure your goal is Measurable—what benchmarks will indicate progress and completion? Next, ensure your goal is Achievable—is it realistic, given constraints like time and resources? Check that the goal is Relevant—is it contributing to an important bigger picture? Finally, consider Timing—when do you want to start and finish the project?)

Perfectionism may also damage perfectionists’ reputations and relationships. First, they often have unrealistically high expectations of others as well as themselves, which may cause people to become resentful. Second, their high expectations constantly stress them out, which also stresses out the people around them.

(Shortform note: While unrealistic expectations of others in the workplace tend to have negative outcomes, realistic expectations can produce positive outcomes. For example, having realistic expectations boosts productivity—when people are able to meet expectations, they feel a sense of accomplishment that increases their morale. This also increases their confidence and well-being. If you're able to cause these effects in your team members, you’ll arguably be considered a strong leader by others, making you more likely to advance your career.)

Unrealistic Expectations: The Solutions

The authors suggest a few solutions to overcome the negative impacts of having unrealistic expectations.

1. Let go of control. Trust other people to use their skills and knowledge to complete tasks, rather than trying to do everything yourself or constantly looking over people’s shoulders to achieve “perfect” results.

2. Learn to prioritize. Instead of focusing on perfecting every detail, identify the most important things you need to focus on to produce satisfactory results. Delegate tasks that don’t require your direct attention.

3. Get comfortable taking risks. You don’t need to do anything that will put your career on the line, but start taking risks that have a high probability of success.

To Spread Career Success, Be a “Trust and Inspire” Leader

In Trust and Inspire, Stephen Covey distinguishes effective “trust and inspire” leaders from ineffective “command and control” leaders. He explains that trust and inspire leaders effect the most success—for themselves, their employees and coworkers, and their organizations—because they empower people to reach their full potential and boost creativity and innovation.

This is because when you let go of control, not only do you have more time to work on your own tasks, but you also inspire others to produce high-quality results by showing them that you trust them and believe they’re capable. Further, when you prioritize big-picture results rather than perfecting small details of the process, you leave more room for innovation and creativity. When you take measured risks, you’re more likely to uncover new opportunities and innovations that will expedite your progress toward your goals.

Behavior #2: Inability to Prepare for the Future

The authors explain that women’s tendency to focus on perfection often causes them to focus so much on the present that they neglect to plan for the future.

First, perfectionist women often want to achieve mastery at their current positions to feel and be seen by others as capable. However, spending so much time being perfect at their current position often prevents them from spending time planning and acquiring the skills necessary to progress to the next step in their careers.

(Shortform note: In High Performance Habits, Brendan Bouchard explains that there are two types of internal forces that drive people. Perfectionist women may end up hyper-focusing on their current role over their future goals because they’re motivated by both of these internal forces—likely to an unhealthy level. First is the force of identity—people driven by this force tie their self-worth to their performance and therefore strive for high achievement so they feel good enough. Second is the force of obsession—people driven by this force believe the only way to achieve excellence is to spend hours gaining mastery over a topic.)

Further, some women are so focused on mastery and their personal performance that they neglect to build their social network. As we learned previously, having strong connections is crucial for career advancement.

(Shortform note: Failing to build a social network at work can disadvantage you; however, socializing too much, or in the wrong ways, in an attempt to build your network can also cause issues. Experts make a few suggestions to ensure you’re socializing effectively. First, make sure you’re using work-appropriate language. Your desire to build a connection might encourage you to be too informal—don’t fall into this trap and leave a bad impression. Further, make sure you’re socializing at the appropriate times—during breaks, before meetings, while passing someone in the hallway—not during work time where you may cause a distraction.)

Inability to Prepare for the Future: Solutions

The authors recommend a few solutions to let go of mastery so you can focus on the future.

1. Understand that mastery is only one type of power. Women crave mastery because they want to be powerful and valuable, but the authors explain that mastery alone isn’t enough to achieve this. There are three other types of power: contacts, charisma, and position. Useful contacts can help you accomplish goals and make progress, charisma will influence others to see you as credible, and your position in the company hierarchy dictates your authority.

(Shortform note: While the authors specify four types of power, other experts report nine types. In addition to expertise, contacts (“connection power”), charisma, and position (“legitimate power”), leaders can have five additional types of power. Coercive power is gained through threat or force. Referent power is gained by being a strong role model. Informational power is gained by knowing things that others don’t. Reward power is gained when you can influence people’s behavior by providing rewards. Moral power is gained when you can influence people’s behavior through your beliefs and actions.)

2. Focus on building useful contacts immediately. Identify people in your organization who can help you develop the skills and relationships that will help you achieve your career goals. This can be peers who support and encourage you or higher-ups who serve as mentors and advocates. The more contacts you have, the more valuable you’ll be—you’ll be seen as sociable and able to help others build their social network by connecting them with your contacts.

(Shortform note: Experts agree on the importance of prioritizing networking and offer a few tips to help you do so. For example, rather than communicating with coworkers over email, invite them for lunch where you can talk face-to-face. Introverted people may struggle more than others to build contacts—if you feel uncomfortable or dislike communication, push yourself out of your comfort zone by holding a conversation for a few more minutes than you’d like.)

Pattern #4: Overthinking

Helgesen and Goldsmith explain that women tend to absorb a broader range of information at a time than men do. However, this ability causes women to overthink things—they get caught up in hyper-analyzing past situations and focusing on details of present situations that may not be that important. This often prevents them from advancing their careers because it causes them to get stuck in a negative mindset (due to feelings like regret), struggle to find effective solutions, and lose their ability to focus and be present.

(Shortform note: In The Confidence Code, Katty Kay and Claire Shipman list a few biological differences that explain why women tend to overthink. First, women have a proportionally larger cingulate gyrus than men on average—this is the part of the brain that spots mistakes, considers options, and worries about things. Further, unlike men, women have relatively more brain matter in the prefrontal cortex (used for reasoning) and the limbic cortex (used for processing emotions). These differences cause women’s brains to be more active than men’s, making them more likely to overthink, ruminate, and experience anxiety that reduces their confidence and holds them back.)

Helgesen and Goldsmith discuss two main detrimental behaviors that result from overthinking.

Behavior #1: Losing Track of What’s Important

The authors explain that women are more vigilant of the smaller details of relationships and other people’s feelings. While this improves their leadership abilities by allowing them to better understand people, it can also undermine them.

First, being overly focused on other people can cause you to lose your concentration and act ineffectively. For example, if you’re in a meeting and you’re focused on why the person next to you keeps frowning, you’re more likely to miss important information.

Second, being overly focused on other people can make you feel insecure and reduce the confidence you need to be effective. For example, you might start to think that the person next to you is frowning because of something you did. This insecurity might prevent you from speaking up and asking questions during the meeting—you’ll then leave the meeting confused, which will decrease your work quality.

(Shortform note: The authors of The Confidence Code argue that women are actually more confident, and therefore can act more effectively, when they’re focused on others instead of on themselves—in particular, when they think about how their actions will benefit others. So, for example, rather than losing concentration on the presentation by focusing on why the person next to you is frowning, or attributing the issue to yourself, focus on how your positive actions can help them. For example, if you pay attention to the presentation, you can help the person’s mood by filling them in on anything they might have missed while they were upset. This turns your habit of being other-focused into a benefit for you and others.)

Losing Track of What’s Important: The Solutions

The authors present a few solutions for filtering details so you can keep track of what's important.

1. Sort your thoughts into two groups—primary and secondary. The primary group contains thoughts and observations that pertain to the specific task at hand. The secondary group contains any thoughts and observations that don’t directly relate to the task. For example, imagine someone says “I’d like you to have the report by tomorrow” in a snarky voice. His desire to have the report turned in tomorrow will go into your primary group, while the fact that his tone of voice was snarky will go into the secondary group.

2. Reframe your secondary thoughts and observations. Secondary thoughts and observations often distract you because you tell yourself a negative story about them—for example, “he’s using a snarky tone because he’s mad at me.” To prevent these thoughts and observations from distracting you, tell yourself a better story—instead of him being mad at you, maybe he was just frustrated because he hit traffic this morning.

(Shortform note: Differentiating between important and unimportant thoughts can be difficult—especially because our “unimportant” thoughts often feel important to us. Reframing these thoughts may be even harder since we often make assumptions automatically without realizing it. To better equip yourself to sort your thoughts and reframe the negative ones, experts recommend cultivating mindfulness—a focus on the present moment that increases awareness of your internal and external environment. Mindfulness is commonly developed through “mind-body” practices like meditation and yoga.)

Behavior #2: Dwelling on the Past

The authors explain that another negative effect of overthinking is dwelling on regretful past situations, trying to figure out what went wrong, rather than moving on. Dwelling on the past holds women back for two main reasons.

First, it causes them to be highly self-critical and engage in negative self-talk, which lowers their self-esteem and confidence. Second, it prevents them from making changes to overcome the original issue—dissecting the situation feels productive, but it just causes you more pain and delays you from taking action to change the behaviors that got you here in the first place.

(Shortform note: Recent research on rumination (dwelling on the past) concluded that the practice doesn’t necessarily prevent people from achieving their goals, as the authors claim. While rumination can lead to lower self-esteem, psychiatric conditions like depression, and inaction, these effects only happen if you take rumination too far. If you only allow yourself to ruminate for a short period of time, you’ll likely develop helpful insights once you snap out of it. For example, if you ruminate on being ignored by your boss and then reflect on your ruminations at a later time, you may uncover helpful solutions to prevent the situation from occurring again.)

Dwelling on the Past: The Solutions

The authors explain that interruption and distraction are the best ways to stop dwelling on the past.

1. Interrupt your negative narrative by reframing. When you sense yourself starting to dwell on the past, reframe your narrative using the advice from the previous section.

2. Distract yourself. The authors note that when men mess up, they tend to move on to the next thing rather than focusing on their past mistakes. They say women should do the same.

(Shortform note: The authors recommend distracting yourself to overcome rumination but don’t specify how to do so. Experts note that one form of distraction that’s proven to be effective is listening to music and focusing on the lyrics or melody. If you can’t seem to distract yourself, you can instead set a “worry timer” that allows you to ruminate for 20 minutes, for instance. This will help relieve the desire to ruminate without getting stuck in a negative feedback loop. Further, you can try to prevent rumination altogether by avoiding your triggers—for example, if talking to a certain coworker makes you ruminate on why your boss favors them over you, avoid sitting next to them at lunch.)

Tips For Overcoming Detrimental Behaviors

Helgesen and Goldsmith provide three main tips to help women effectively overcome the four main thought patterns and accompanying behaviors discussed previously. First, they must start small by working to change one behavior at a time. Second, they must recruit a support system to help them progress. Third, they must refrain from being self-critical.

Tip #1: Start Small

The authors explain that effectively changing your behavior requires you to take things one step at a time. If you try to make too many changes at once, you’ll see fast results but be much more likely to relapse into bad behavior.

To start small, identify the thought pattern that’s most prevalent and detrimental for you—you’ll focus on this one area at first. Next, select one specific behavior you experience due to that thought pattern and choose one solution to that behavior that you can start implementing. For example, if perfectionism is the most detrimental thought pattern for you, you might want to begin by preventing yourself from setting unrealistic expectations. You can start by learning to prioritize certain tasks and details over others.

(Shortform note: The authors support the traditional belief that you should work incrementally to overcome bad habits. However, recent research shows that undergoing a major overhaul can effect substantial, rapid, and lasting change. One study had a group of university students participate in an intensive six-week intervention program intended to develop positive habits around cognitive performance, physical fitness, and physiological health. After the six-week program, significant changes to the students’ brains and bodies were observed. Further, the observed changes persisted and improved in certain areas for another six weeks after the program had ended, showing that the new habits were lasting.)

Tip #2: Get Help

The authors explain that another important way to create sustainable behavioral change is to recruit a support system to encourage you, provide you with feedback, and hold you accountable.

They explain that your support system can come in many forms. For example, you can hire a professional coach or ask friends, family, or bosses to support you. Alternatively, team up with someone who also needs help so you can provide each other with mutual support.

There are numerous ways you can use your support system. For example, you may want to request that your supporters let you know whenever they notice the behavior you want to overcome. Alternatively, you could ask them to help brainstorm strategies to overcome the negative behaviors. You may also want to schedule regular meetings where they ask you questions to hold you accountable for your progress—for example, “What are your current priorities? Can you release any commitments that aren’t helping you progress toward your goals?”

A Multi-Faceted Support System Can Expedite Success

In Never Eat Alone, Keith Ferrazzi reiterates the importance of relying on a support system to help achieve your goals. He argues that there are four types of support groups you must form:

1. A network of people who will help you achieve your goals. These people actively help you identify goals, create plans to reach them, and hold yourself accountable. This network should be composed of a few people who are close to you, such as friends, family, coworkers, or bosses.

2. A network of mentors. These people provide professional advice, skill-development techniques, insider information, contacts, emotional support, and inspiration. These people must be experienced higher-level professionals in your area of interest and can be found through official mentoring programs or through your contacts.

3. A network of super-connectors—people who have dozens or hundreds of professional connections they can share with you. These are people like political lobbyists, journalists, headhunters, and so on.

4. A network of prominent or famous industry leaders. These people teach you, boost your credibility, and attract others who want to support your goals (such as investors, customers, or potential employers). Getting in touch with these types of people is the hardest and will likely come after you’ve formed the previous three networks and have strong credibility.

Tip #3: Stop Judgment

The authors argue that one of the most important factors in making progress is refraining from self-criticism and judgment. When women judge their progress or focus on their mistakes, they’re more likely to end up dwelling on the past and inhibiting further progress. The authors make a few recommendations to help you overcome self-judgment.

1. Forgive yourself for mistakes by letting go of binary thinking. Rather than believing that flaws and mistakes make you a bad person, acknowledge that no one is perfect and we’re all continuously working to improve ourselves. Accept your mistakes and move on.

(Shortform note: In The Confidence Code, Katty Kay and Claire Shipman provide a few techniques that may improve your ability to overcome binary thinking and other negative thoughts. For instance, if you’re having trouble reframing and letting go of negative thoughts, recall objective facts that disprove your thoughts. For example, you did a great job on your last project—you’re not a failure just because you made a mistake this time. Further, imagine the advice you would give to a friend experiencing the same thoughts.)

2. Focus on changing the future rather than the past. When asking for advice, request that your support system provide you with tips to improve future behavior rather than critique what you did wrong in the past. This will help you avoid dwelling on the past and being self-critical.

(Shortform note: The authors recommend focusing on future success rather than past failures. One way to do this is to fail fast, as the authors of The Confidence Code explain—when you fail, develop a better method and try again immediately. For example, when you get feedback on how to improve your future behavior, put the advice into practice right away to see if it works. If it doesn’t, devise a new plan and forge ahead—this way, you won’t have time to dwell on past mistakes and you’ll fix the problem faster.)

3. Don’t judge others. Judging others doesn’t provide you with any benefits. Instead, it expresses negativity towards others and expends energy that you should put toward self-improvement instead.

(Shortform note: One of the best ways to prevent yourself from judging others is to develop empathy—the ability to see things from another person’s perspective. To do so, get curious about others, recognize people as individuals rather than a collective “other,” branch out and get to know different people, and listen more to other people and their perspectives.)