PDF Summary:How to Talk to Anyone, by Leil Lowndes

People who are comfortable in social situations have the best chance of establishing beneficial relationships and creating opportunities for personal and professional success. Unfortunately, many people struggle with social situations and don’t know how to confidently approach and talk to others. Their discomfort prevents them from creating new connections and they miss out on enjoying opportunities that spring from social and professional relationships.

In How to Talk to Anyone, Leil Lowndes presents practical techniques to help you overcome social discomfort and confidently develop new connections. Our guide walks you through her techniques for mastering the art of conversing with anyone. You’ll come away knowing how to appear more likable without saying a word, confidently approach people you want to talk to, feel at home in any social context, and encourage meaningful conversations.We’ll also expand on Lowndes’s techniques with psychological research, additional insights, and practical methods from other communication specialists and self-help practitioners.

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According to Lowndes, pretending to like others feels so good that it eventually turns into genuine affection. While you’re initially only pretending to like them, you’re sending signals that put them at ease—encouraging them to like you and respond warmly to you. This makes you want to like them, resulting in a genuinely comfortable and enjoyable interaction.

Two Ways to Trick Yourself Into Sending Positive Signals

Many self-help practitioners mirror Lowndes’s suggestion that imagining the desired end result of your meeting—a close friendship—leads you to act in ways that bring it into reality. But, how can you make yourself believe that you’re friends with someone when you’re not? Self-help practitioners offer various ways to achieve this:

Joseph Murphy (The Power of Your Subconscious Mind) suggests that you should first consider how you’d like other people to think about you. Then think about them in this way, regardless of how they behave. For example, if you’d like people to compliment you, then think complimentary thoughts about others. Like Lowndes, Murphy argues that people will intuitively pick up on your positive thoughts and reflect them back to you.

Louise Hay (You Can Heal Your Life) suggests the inverse of Murphy’s approach: You need to think about yourself the way you want others to think about you. Hay claims that every experience in your life reflects your opinion of yourself: If you don’t like yourself, you send out emotional signals that make other people not want to like you. According to Hay, practicing positive affirmations will change the way you view yourself and the emotional signals that you send out. Other people will then reflect these emotional signals back to you. So, if you want others to like you, affirm to yourself, “I like myself” before approaching them.

Technique #5: Hold Their Gaze to Encourage Attraction

If you’re attracted to someone, instead of playing coy, hold their gaze for as long as possible. Lowndes argues that strong eye contact is more likely to invite a positive response because it makes the recipient feel like she’s captivated you. Your obvious interest in her triggers a nervous, biological response that’s similar to what happens when people fall in love: It increases her heartbeat and pumps adrenaline into her bloodstream. Because she’s not conscious of why she’s experiencing this nervous physical reaction, she interprets it as a sign of mutual attraction and intimacy.

To encourage attraction, maintain eye contact with your recipient even when others in your group are speaking. If you must look away, do so slowly and reluctantly—as if you’re so enthralled that you can’t look away. To make it less intense, let your eyes bounce between your recipient and back.

Lowndes warns that intense eye contact should be used with caution. If your intended recipient has already decided that she’s not attracted to you, she’ll interpret your attention as arrogance and won’t respond well. (Shortform note: Additionally, research shows that maintaining eye contact with too much intensity makes you come across as a psychopath.)

How Prolonged Eye Contact Impacts You

Research backs up Lowndes’s claim that holding someone’s gaze is an effective way to encourage mutual attraction and reveals why prolonged eye contact has such a profound impact:

• It immediately triggers a state of increased self-consciousness and this makes you more aware of your own body—which makes you feel as if your heart’s beating faster than usual.

• It consumes extra brainpower and this makes it difficult to talk about or process complicated topics—which might make you feel tongue-tied and nervous (the uncomfortable side-effect of infatuation).

• It influences how you perceive other people’s emotions—the more eye contact, the more intensely you experience what they’re feeling.

While it’s obvious that the amount of eye contact you make does influence others, there’s also another aspect to this—what people see in your eyes. Subconsciously, people pay attention to what your pupils are doing to further interpret your intentions.

• Dilated pupils: People interpret this as a sign of attraction and emotional arousal and they judge you to be more trustworthy. Further, their pupils tend to mimic yours and show similar dilation.

• Constricted pupils: People interpret this as a sign of fear and they judge you to be less trustworthy.

Tune Into Their Body Language

So far, we’ve discussed how to align your body language in a way that sends positive, welcoming signals to the people that you want to talk to. However, this doesn’t mean that you should just sit back and wait for them to approach you. Let’s take things one step further and explore how to use this knowledge to proactively approach others.

Since most people are unaware of the nonverbal cues that they emit, you now have a distinct advantage in social situations because you know how to:

Differentiate between those who want to be approached and those who don’t: A relaxed and open stance implies that you’re welcome to approach them. If they’re slumped, guarded, or fidgety, you probably won’t get the warm response that you want.

Interpret how people feel about you during interactions: If they turn their body fully towards you and maintain eye contact, they’re interested in you and want to engage with you. If they physically turn away, fidget, or avoid eye contact, they’re either uncomfortable or distracted—in either case, they’re not giving you their full attention.

If you find that the people you want to talk to you appear unapproachable or inattentive, Lowndes suggests three ways to influence them to respond to you more positively:

1) Approach them anyway: As long as you use the techniques discussed above and don’t say anything rude or unpleasant, they’ll pick up on your positive signals and instinctively feel more comfortable around you.

(Shortform note: If you choose to approach them as Lowndes suggests, maintain a little distance to keep them at ease. People tend to consider the four square feet of space immediately surrounding them as personal space. Unless you’re already close to someone—for example, a good friend—crossing this invisible boundary will make them uncomfortable.)

2) Mirror the way they move: Maintain your open posture and eye contact but also imitate their gestures. This gives the impression that you’re similar in nature and instantly puts them at ease. For example, if they use their hands to make a point, use yours in the same way.

(Shortform note: Research backs up Lowndes’s claim that mirroring puts others at ease. In fact, studies show that mirroring others aids cooperation and improves your ability to persuade them to do what you want in both social and professional contexts. For example, it enhances interpersonal bonds between salespeople and customers, leading to increased sales. However, mirroring only works if you're subtle about it—obvious attempts at imitation may make others suspicious and decrease rapport.)

3) Take steps to change their body language: Play with changing your tone or the topic of conversation while keeping an eye on how they’re responding to you. When you find something that puts them at ease or triggers their interest, they’ll automatically warm to you and their body language will reflect this.

(Shortform note: Jordan Belfort (Way of the Wolf) suggests a practical way to change someone’s body language: Start by mirroring their movements and then lead them to adopt more open body language—this will work because people unconsciously mimic others. For example, to get someone to uncross their arms, fold yours similarly and then slowly uncross them to adopt a more relaxed position.)

Part 2: Verbal Signals—Create Instant Rapport

Now that you understand how to send positive and welcoming nonverbal signals, let’s discuss how using the right verbal signals enhances the way people perceive and respond to you. Lowndes maintains that you’ll enjoy pleasant interactions if you put your conversation partners at ease and focus on making them feel as if you like them. She suggests four techniques to help you achieve this.

Technique #1: Use and Take Notice of Visual Gimmicks

Lowndes suggests an easy way to start conversations: Draw attention to yourself by wearing or carrying something unusual, such as a unique brooch or a colorful shirt. This gives people an excuse to approach you and gives you something to talk about. Likewise, pay attention to what those around you are wearing or carrying so that you have an excuse to approach them. Using a complimentary phrase such as, “Wow, I love your shoes! Where are they from?” not only helps you to start a conversation, but it also shows others that you’re interested in them and what they have to say.

(Shortform note: While this approach can get you noticed and help you to approach others, be aware that it might also make you appear insecure. Research suggests that people who wear eye-catching clothing and accessories do so because they feel jealous of those who receive the attention they want. This probably isn’t a signal you want to emit when meeting someone new. Therefore, instead of choosing to wear something loud just to get noticed, think carefully about what clothing or accessories complement your unique personality. This way, you’ll appear more authentic—instead of someone who’s just looking for attention.)

Technique #2: Ask for Introductions

According to Lowndes, another effective way to approach new people is to ask mutual acquaintances to make introductions for you. Before they introduce you, ensure that they’ll pad out these introductions with a few details, such as the new person’s hobbies or interests, so that you have the opportunity to show your interest and start a discussion.

Alternatively, if your acquaintances are too busy to introduce you, ask them for information so that you can find a shared interest to use as an icebreaker. With this information, you can easily approach someone new using a variation of the following line: “Hey, I was just talking to … and she told me that you …”

(Shortform note: What if you don’t know any mutual acquaintances to introduce you or provide information? Relationship experts offer a simple technique: Approach the person and say, “Hi, I’m X. What’s your name?” If the thought of introducing yourself so brazenly makes your palms sweat, use subtle, situational icebreakers to elicit a response: If music is playing, ask them if they know the artist or if they like the song. If there is food or drink, ask them what they’ve tried and what they’d recommend. If you’re outside, make a comment about the weather.)

Technique #3: Prepare Stimulating Responses to Common Questions

When people first meet each other, they usually ask two questions: “Where are you from?” and “What do you do?” Normally, they each respond with fact-based answers—for example, “I’m from New York and I’m an engineer.” But, Lowndes argues, this sort of answer shuts down a conversation—if your conversation partner’s never been to New York or knows nothing about engineering, they won’t know how to continue the conversation.

Instead, Lowndes suggests extending your responses to these two questions in a way that stimulates a response—by using interesting facts, jokes, or general observations. This requires coming up with different variations depending on who you’re talking to and the social context you’re in. If you’re seeking to make friends, keep your responses fun and general. For example, “I’m from X—where they make the best goat’s cheese in the world.” If you’re talking to them for networking purposes, consider what interest this person could have in you or your work and include that in your response. For example, “I’m an engineer and have been working on X for the past two years.”

(Shortform note: If you’re struggling to come up with stimulating ways to respond to these two questions, reframe your answer to divert the conversation to topics you’d prefer to talk about. For example, respond to “Where are you from?” by saying, “I’m from X but I moved to Y because Z.” Respond to “What do you do?” with “I work in X but lately I’ve been spending my time doing Y because Z. How do you spend your time off?” This diversion tactic lets you avoid unwanted questions and it helps you to move the conversation to topics you’ll find more comfortable and engaging.)

Technique #4: Research Interesting Things to Say in Advance

Once you’ve discussed where you’re from and what you do, you’ll need other topics to lure people into conversations and keep them engaged. Lowndes suggests four ways to prepare yourself for interesting conversations:

1) Find out who will be there: Before you accept an invitation, find out what type of people will be there—will it include people from a single profession or interest group? Knowing what types of conversations you’ll be expected to engage in will help you prepare for them.

(Shortform note: Van Edwards (Cues) expands on Lowndes’s advice to prepare yourself before an event. She suggests that you set yourself a specific intention that details why you’re attending the event. This will give you a clear idea about what type of person you want to meet and what you want to get out of the interaction. As a result, you’ll feel more motivated to approach others. Effective intentions can be as simple as, “I want to find 10 new clients,” or, “I want to have a fun conversation with someone I wouldn’t normally talk to.”)

2) Listen to the news: This will keep you up to date on current affairs and will provide common topics to discuss.

(Shortform note: While Lowndes’s advice to listen to the news will give you common topics to discuss, doing so may not be good for your mental health. Constant exposure to the news increases feelings of stress, anxiety, and depression—these feelings will exacerbate any social discomfort you feel. Stay informed about what’s going on without getting stressed by limiting how much news you consume to less than 30 minutes a day.)

3) Continually try new activities: Restricting yourself to specific activities limits your ability to engage with people who have other interests. The more you try out or read about different activities, the easier you’ll find it to communicate with a wider range of people.

4) Broaden your vocabulary: In addition to researching things to say, think about how you say them. Make yourself sound more interesting by replacing your most common words with alternatives. Look through a thesaurus to find words that suit your personality and reflect how you want to come across to others.

(Shortform note: While trying new activities or changing your vocabulary might improve your communication skills, these methods may actually undermine your self-confidence and self-esteem. According to Maxwell Maltz (Psycho-Cybernetics), methods like these encourage you to pretend to be someone else so that you can get the reaction you want—for example, interest or attraction. The more you engage in these false behaviors, the more difficult it becomes for you to accept and express who you really are because you’re never sure if people like you for who you are or who you’re pretending to be.)

Part 3: Verbal Signals—Encourage Meaningful Conversations

The four techniques we’ve just covered will help you feel more comfortable about approaching others to discuss a variety of topics. But what if you’re hoping to engage in more meaningful conversations? According to Lowndes, if you want to move beyond superficial conversations, you’re going to have to build an emotional connection with your conversation partner.

What is an emotional connection? To put it simply, it’s when people trust each other enough to reveal more about themselves—who they are and how they really feel about things. Lowndes explains that it’s at this stage that conversations move from being superficial to being meaningful.

(Shortform note: Social experts expand on this definition by explaining that emotional connections and meaningful conversations rely on four factors: First, people need to feel safe enough to express themselves—this happens when they trust you not to laugh at them or judge what they say. Second, people need to feel like you’re sharing just as much about yourself so that they don’t feel so vulnerable. Third, you need to open up about your emotions and the way you feel about things. Fourth, you need to make them feel like you understand them—achieve this by acknowledging and responding to what they say throughout the conversation.)

She suggests four techniques to help build trust so that you can develop an emotional connection.

Technique #1: Make Your Interest in Them Clear

Ask them questions to learn more about how they spend their time and give them space to talk about themselves. Then mention how much you enjoy listening to them and find a way to relate your own interests to theirs. According to Lowndes, this approach will endear them to you because it signals that you’re interested in who they are and what they care about.

Remember details for future conversations: Write down interesting facts about the people you talk to so that you can refer to them the next time you meet them. Alluding to things that they’ve previously shared about themselves instantly makes them want to reveal even more—because it demonstrates that you’ve been paying attention to them and care enough to remember little details.

(Shortform note: Psychologists and self-help practitioners echo Lowndes’s advice to flaunt your interest in others. Research clarifies how this builds an emotional connection: At heart, we’re all narcissists and we want attention. Therefore, when someone pays us attention, we can’t help but revel in it. But, what if you have no interest in what other people say and aren’t able to fake it? You may be looking for friends in the wrong places. You can develop an interest in others by actively looking for people with whom you can effortlessly relate. Achieve this by first considering your innate interests. Then, think about where you’ll find people with similar interests—and go there to strike up a conversation.)

Technique #2: Present a Positive Image of Yourself

Be conscious of revealing your flaws. Many people assume that they can make themselves appear more endearing by throwing in self-effacing remarks. However, Lowndes argues, this tactic produces different effects depending on your professional or social status.

• If you're higher in status (for example, if you’re talking to your employee), this tactic can humanize you and put the other person at ease.
• On the other hand, if you’re lower in status (for example, if you’re talking to the CEO of a company you want to work for), this tactic reduces your credibility because your conversation partner doesn’t know you well enough to put your flaws in context.

Therefore, Lowndes argues, you should think carefully about your status and how positively or negatively others will perceive you before resorting to this common tactic.

(Shortform note: Lowndes suggests that you should attempt to influence others by controlling how you present yourself. Psychologists refer to this tactic as impression management and they’ve found that attempting to control interactions in this way often increases feelings of self-consciousness and social anxiety. This is because it forces you to pretend to be something you’re not—for example, by suppressing your emotions or feigning interest in things that bore you. So, while Lowndes’s tactic might successfully make others feel good about you, there is a chance it won’t make you feel good about yourself.)

Technique #3: Maintain a Positive Image of Them

Focus your attention only on the good things about them. Don’t put them down or make jokes at their expense. Likewise, don’t draw attention to their faults—for example, if they fumble in some way or say something inappropriate. Instead, do your best to make them feel comfortable and accepted for who they are. According to Lowndes, the more you focus on their good qualities, the more they’ll appreciate you for seeing the best in them.

(Shortform note: How can you make someone feel comfortable if they commit a faux pas? According to social experts, you should focus on minimizing their embarrassment instead of adding to it. Depending on the situation, you can achieve this by ignoring the issue and deflecting attention to something more positive. Alternatively, you can acknowledge the blunder with a lighthearted humorous comment—this gives them the opportunity to laugh it off without losing face.)

One way to put this into practice is to give genuine compliments. Think about what you’re learning about them and what they seem to care about and use complimentary statements to uplift them. This will make them feel appreciated and will encourage them to continue talking. For example, if they’ve been discussing parenthood, say something like, “Well, it sounds like your children are lucky to have you.”

(Shortform note: As Lowndes says, genuine compliments do make people feel good. However, giving too many often produces the opposite effect. According to psychologists, giving too many compliments reduces their impact and makes you look insincere. Further, it encourages people to expect a continual stream of positive admiration—so, if you fail to notice something that they’d actually like to be complimented on, they’ll think something’s wrong. Therefore, if you want your compliments to resonate, limit the number of compliments you give.)

Technique #4: Foster Empathy Through Mirroring Techniques

According to Lowndes, people feel more comfortable revealing the truth about themselves to those who seem to be just like them—those who share similar traits, interests, and values.

(Shortform note: Psychologists add insight into why we like people who are just like us: Similarity validates your choices. Meeting people who think about life in the same way that you do decreases your uncertainty about whether or not you’re making the right choices. You interpret their similarities as a form of agreement that convinces you that your approach to life is correct—this increases your self-confidence and makes it easier for you to relax in their presence.)

She suggests that you can encourage people to believe that you’re just like them by adopting the following four tactics.

Tactic #1: Match Their Mood

Show that you empathize with their emotions by tuning into their mood and matching their tone and pace. This will make them feel like you’re on the same wavelength as them. For example, if they talk quickly because they’re excited about something, try to maintain that high when you speak.

(Shortform note: One way to match your partner’s mood is to speak about emotionally similar experiences. This deepens your emotional connection because it demonstrates two things: First, you’re actively listening to them and you understand their emotions. Second, you accept how they feel and you’re willing to join them where they are.)

Tactic #2: Repeat Their Words Back to Them

Listen to the specific words they use and echo them back when it’s your turn to speak. Finding ways to incorporate their vocabulary into what you say will make them believe you share their values and think like them.

(Shortform note: In addition to simulating a feeling of similarity, paraphrasing your conversation partner’s words also ensures that you understand what’s being said in the spirit in which it’s intended. Repetition helps you to clarify what the speaker’s saying. This gives them the comfort of knowing that they’re understood and makes them more inclined to form an emotional connection to you.)

Tactic #3: Make Supportive Statements

Show that you understand what they’re feeling by using short empathetic statements that match the senses they use to express them. For example, if they talk about how they saw something, you could say, “I see what you mean.” If they talk about how they felt about something, you could say, “I understand how you feel.” These short sentences will make them believe that you interpret the world in the same way that they do and will encourage them to continue. Additionally, this tactic helps to keep the conversation flowing if you find yourself at a loss for words.

(Shortform note: Neuro-linguistic research confirms that sense-matching does subconsciously increase rapport between people. However, trying to mirror another person’s sensory language before you feel any emotional connection to them can backfire—others are likely to consciously notice your attempts and feel like you’re trying to manipulate them. Therefore, wait until you begin to feel a genuine emotional connection to what’s being said before attempting this tactic—this way, you won't inadvertently repel the people you’re trying to connect with.)

Tactic #4: Use “We,” “Us,” and “Our” to Imply Friendship

Create a feeling of connection and intimacy by using language that presupposes that you’re already friends. When people are in a close relationship, they automatically refer to themselves with words that unite them, such as “we” and “us.” Using these words tricks others into believing that you’re already friends. For example, instead of saying, “I’m going to find some food,” say, “Shall we find some food?”

(Shortform note: While there’s nothing to prove that using the word “we” will trick someone into being your friend, there is proof that it will make you feel happier. Psychological studies show that the pronouns you use most often directly impact your emotional state: Relationship pairs that use “we” and “us” tend to feel happier and calmer and they find it easier to express positive emotions such as respect or affection. On the other hand, relationship pairs that use “I” or “you” tend to be less happy—they have negative facial expressions, negative tones of voice, and project an air of rejection or disdain.)