PDF Summary:How to Know a Person, by David Brooks

In How to Know a Person, New York Times columnist David Brooks argues that our ability to truly understand and connect with others is in crisis. As a result, we have problems like political polarization, mental health issues, and an epidemic of loneliness. Brooks contends that by rediscovering the lost art of “knowing” people, we can bridge divides, foster empathy, and rebuild our moral character.

This guide explores Brooks’s key insights on seeing people as individuals, appreciating diverse perspectives, and recognizing the inherent dignity of every person around you. You’ll learn practical strategies for deeper listening, asking meaningful questions, and cultivating crucial social skills. We’ll also compare his insights on social behavior and relationships to those of other experts and look at how Brooks’s advice aligns with research on understanding and communicating with each other.

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When you look around, you can see that many people struggle with a sense of loneliness, isolation, and distrust of other people. This can lead to bitterness, animosity, and even violence. Brooks contends that divisions over differences in race, ideology, and socioeconomic background—along with a lack of understanding and empathy for those differences—wear away at the fabric of our communities. When we’re unable to relate to each other or communicate effectively, we create a culture of hostility and dehumanization. This hurts our ability to work toward common goals and to exercise the trust and respect we need to maintain a healthy, functioning society.

(Shortform note: Brooks’ assertion that many Americans feel lonely and distrustful of others is backed by research. Approximately 60% of Americans report feeling lonely on a regular basis—a public health concern that potentially rivals the impact of obesity or diabetes. Research also suggests that lonely people may be less trusting of others, as demonstrated in experiments where lonely study participants shared less money in trust-based games and showed reduced brain activity related to trust formation. Researchers think the relationship between loneliness and distrust might be bidirectional: Low trust can potentially lead to loneliness, and loneliness can also cause people to view others as less trustworthy.)

How Can We Better Understand Other People?

While learning to know other people is crucial, Brooks acknowledges that it takes a lot of time and effort to cultivate this skill—and to actually practice it in our everyday lives. But he contends that anybody can learn to know others by mastering three skills: making others feel seen, listening deeply to others, and cultivating social skills that might not come naturally—like stepping outside of our own perspectives, practicing empathy, and recognizing where somebody is in their life’s journey. Next, we’ll examine each of these strategies in more detail so you can learn how to practice them.

Learn to Make People Feel Seen and Valued

Brooks explains that it’s crucial to interact with others in ways that show them you appreciate them and want to understand them. This involves several skills you can practice every day, like being open to what people share with you, learning to be present with others through even the mundane things you do together, and using your conversational skills to deepen your connections with people. Here’s how Brooks recommends doing this in your everyday interactions.

Open Yourself Up to What People Share With You

To help people feel that you value them for who they are, you first have to make it clear that you want to get to know them. Brooks says you can do this by opening yourself up to others’ ideas, experiences, and perspectives. Make a point of listening closely when they share with you: They’ll realize you’re open to what they’d like to share if you’re generous as a listener when they tell you about themselves.

The goal isn’t just to listen for the sake of it. Instead, it’s to develop a respectful understanding of a person’s contradictions, uncertainty, and struggles. Only by opening yourself up to what people share with you can you witness the dignity with which they handle the challenges they encounter in their life.

(Shortform note: Psychologists agree with Brooks that being open to what others share is an important part of making sure they know you value them. In Platonic, Marisa Franco explains that expressing your appreciation for others is crucial for strengthening your bonds with them, even if it feels awkward at first. Simple acts like telling a friend you're grateful for them or complimenting their achievements can make a big difference. Franco also suggests that being generous with your unique skills is a great way to show other people you value them. Plus, opening up about your own struggles, joys, and even guilty pleasures can deepen your friendships, as vulnerability tends to be met with acceptance more often than we expect.)

Be Present With People Through Everyday Experiences

A second way to show people you see and value them is to be present in the moments you share with them each day, even when you’re doing something routine. Brooks notes that you probably spend most of your time doing the mundane things that make up everyday life: collaborating on projects with your coworkers, cooking dinner with your partner, driving to school with your kids, striking up a conversation with the neighbors, and so on. He recommends learning to see these moments as chances to engage with the people you share them with: to bring your whole self to those moments and to enjoy seeing how others navigate their lives.

Brooks explains that when you do something with another person, like writing code together or looking at the same painting, you’re often side-by-side with them—but you may see things differently from your seemingly similar vantage points. Focusing on something together is an opportunity to see their unique perspective.

(Shortform note: Brooks's advice on being present in everyday moments aligns with the Zen Buddhist emphasis on living in the present moment. Zen Buddhists, like Alan Watts (The Way of Zen), view life as existing only in the present. They believe our tendency to dwell on the past or future often prevents us from experiencing the richness of the present moment. To them, life has no inherent meaning beyond the experience itself. So by fully engaging in the kinds of activities that Brooks points out we often do with others, you might gain a deeper appreciation for the transient nature of existence and the interconnectedness of all things)

Engage and Improve Your Conversational Skills

A third crucial tool for helping others feel understood is simply to engage them in a great conversation. Brooks explains that you can have compelling, enriching conversations even with people you’re still getting to know. That’s especially true if you make a point of cultivating your conversational skills. To turn everyday encounters into a chance to get to know someone better, you have to hone your ability to listen. Brooks explains that we often fail to really listen to one another, but that’s a bad habit you can break with a little bit of work.

(Shortform note: Researchers agree with Brooks that we’re not great at listening to each other. In one study, people only retained about half of what others said, despite 96% of study participants seeing themselves as good listeners. This significant gap between perceived and actual listening skills is common—but fixable. Some communication experts suggest that you can become a more effective listener by tuning out distractions and focusing entirely on your conversation partner’s words, body language, and subtle cues. You can also watch out for common barriers to good listening, like the tendency to start thinking about what to say next, to make assumptions, or to get distracted.)

Brooks recommends using active listening techniques to engage with what the other person says—and to signal to them that you’re really paying attention. By paraphrasing or summarizing your understanding of what you’re hearing as the other person speaks, you can check in with them and make sure you’re on the same page with them. You can also use nonverbal cues—like maintaining eye contact, leaning in when the other person speaks, and nodding your head—to show them how engaged you are. If they feel confident that you’re really listening, that can help them feel more comfortable sharing their thoughts and their perspective with you.

Even conversations about mundane topics offer you a chance to connect with someone, according to Brooks. If you can make people feel valued when you’re talking about the traffic in your neighborhood or comparing notes on the movie you both saw over the weekend, you’re well on your way to building a meaningful relationship with them.

(Shortform note: While Brooks advocates for active listening, some communication experts are less enthusiastic about these techniques. They say methods like paraphrasing and using “I” statements can hinder genuine connection. Instead, you might try reflective listening, using “you” statements to reflect what you’re hearing back to the speaker—like, “You’re saying you weren’t expecting your coworker to call you into that meeting today.” You can also try affect labeling (naming the speaker's emotion to help them feel understood)—like, “You’re feeling frustrated your coworker sprung this on you.” Experts say these skills might be more powerful tools for improving communication than the active listening techniques Brooks recommends.)

Learn How to Dig Deeper Into People’s Life Stories

Brooks explains that once you’ve begun to cultivate the skills that help you make others feel understood, the next step is to engage fully with the stories that others tell you about who they are, where they’ve been, and where they want to go. In this section, we’ll explore three ways you can do that in your everyday life.

Practice Asking People the Right Questions

Brooks writes that the first step to engaging more deeply in someone’s story is to learn to ask good questions. When you want to discover how someone sees the story of their life, you can’t ask perfunctory questions and expect to get deeply insightful answers in return. For example, Brooks recommends that instead of asking someone what they think about a particular topic, you could ask how they came to think the way they do about that issue.

(Shortform note: Brooks’s advice to ask someone how they formed an opinion can help both of you better understand why they think what they think. Research suggests that it’s challenging for us to change our views or consider other perspectives because our minds subconsciously process opinions we agree with as facts. This automatic bias might explain why people often remain fixed in their beliefs. By asking questions that prompt your conversation partner to reflect on the origins of their opinions, you might be able to have a more thoughtful conversation—one that leaves both of you with a better understanding of how they think.)

Brooks contends that, contrary to popular opinion, it’s often OK to ask people big questions: the kinds of questions that we ask as children but get squeamish about posing to each other as adults. He thinks it’s a good idea to ask people questions about what they believe about the world, what kind of person they know themselves to be, and what they value most in their lives. Most people want to tell their story—once you’ve established a trusting relationship with someone, Brooks thinks the chances are good that the other person would welcome a conversation about the big, philosophical questions they rarely get asked.

(Shortform note: Social scientists agree with Brooks that asking good questions can significantly enhance your conversations with others. Research shows that people who ask more questions are generally viewed more favorably and seen as more likable. This effect is especially pronounced in encounters where two people are meeting for the first time—such as speed dating, where asking good questions usually increases the likelihood of getting a date. Researchers say that asking questions demonstrates your attentiveness and genuine interest in the other person. That can lead to more meaningful connections over time.)

Brooks recommends that in addition to asking big questions about a person’s philosophy, you can also ask more concrete questions about the things they’ve experienced. For example, as a person tells you about something they’ve done, you can ask detailed questions that help them go deeper into the story and explain what the experience was like for them. Brooks notes that you should always aim to ask questions that invite genuine answers: answers that tell you something about the other person. By asking good questions, you can honor the other person’s ability to make sense of their life, experiences, and beliefs.

(Shortform note: Want to get better at asking the kind of questions that Brooks is talking about? Some researchers suggest focusing on asking good follow-up questions. These questions are particularly effective for deepening conversations and building rapport because they signal to your conversation partner that you’re listening, care about what they’re saying, and want to know more. People feel respected and heard when interacting with someone who asks lots of follow-up questions. Additionally, researchers note that the order and tone of your questions matter: A casual, informal approach often encourages more open, genuine answers.)

Help Others See Their Stories (and Themselves) More Clearly

The second step Brooks recommends for going deeper into people’s stories is to engage with those stories with the goal of helping others to tell better stories about themselves. Brooks contends that even as you ask questions to learn the story of someone’s life from their perspective, you can use your perspective to help them see themselves more clearly. We have a natural tendency to arrange our experiences into neat stories. But sometimes, these stories aren’t entirely accurate. Brooks explains that you can pay attention to the ways in which a person’s story doesn’t fully represent who they are or capture the direction their life seems to be going in. Then, you might be able to help them change that story.

He emphasizes that when you listen to someone else’s story, you can simultaneously fully accept and respect them as a person and also help them make their story more honest. In doing so, you help them to see the best in themself and the person they’re becoming. For example, you might have a friend who consistently portrays themselves as always moving forward and never encountering setbacks. You can acknowledge their achievements but also gently point out that the challenges they’ve faced have made them more resilient as a person. By encouraging your friend to include these more difficult episodes in the story they tell, you can help them build a more authentic and balanced view of who they are.

(Shortform note: Brooks emphasizes that we can help others see their stories more clearly, and some psychologists offer a compelling reason why this works. Research shows that our ability to accurately perceive ourselves is often limited, especially when it comes to traits like intelligence, creativity, and extroversion. Our friends and even strangers can sometimes judge these aspects of our personality more accurately than we can. This is partly because we struggle to objectively assess the more desirable traits we have. Plus, our personality leaves traces in many aspects of our lives that others may notice, but we overlook. This means that others’ perspectives are often valuable in helping us develop a more complete and authentic narrative about ourselves.)

Recognize the Influence of a Person’s Culture and History

Brooks’s third step to engaging more deeply with people’s stories is to look for the influence of their culture and personal history on the events and choices they’re telling you about. Brooks says some of the key events in a person’s story began long before they were born: in the history of the place they grew up or in the backstory of the people they’re descended from. He believes our ancestors’ history lives on in all of us. So, to really know a person, it helps to learn where they came from and how it impacted their view of the world and their place in it.

(Shortform note: A classic example of our culture and history’s influence on our behavior and self-perception is the comparison of individualist and collectivist cultures. Social psychologists explain that in individualist cultures, common in North America and Western Europe, people tend to prioritize independence and define themselves by individual traits. Conversely, collectivist cultures, prevalent in many Asian and South American countries, emphasize group harmony and social roles, and people often define themselves in relation to their community. These differences affect everything from a person’s career choices to their communication style—and understanding them can help you see where someone is coming from, too.)

Brooks explains that you can simply ask a person how their life has been shaped by their ancestors or by the culture of the place where they grew up. Often, people have ideas about how these influences have shaped their life, their character, and the way they relate to others. But as we discussed earlier in the guide, relying on stereotypes is counterproductive. (That’s why it’s crucial to learn about how a person’s background has impacted them by simply asking them.) Brooks also notes that it’s often wise to get an idea of how closely they identify with or separate themselves from their culture. Not everybody has the same relationship with the people and places they come from, and while the social groups we’re part of provide important context, we can’t be reduced to them.

(Shortform note: While Brooks suggests asking about a person's background, some people caution against this approach. These questions, even when asked out of genuine curiosity, can inadvertently reinforce feelings of otherness and be perceived as microaggressions. This effect can be particularly significant for those who already feel different in a given environment, as these questions can carry assumptions about race or ethnicity and suggest they don't belong. Instead of asking about someone's background, some experts say it can be more effective to listen as people naturally share details about themselves in conversation. That way, you can focus on getting to know the individual rather than categorizing them based on their origins.)

Practice Difficult Social and Emotional Skills

Finally, once you’ve started building your skills in making people feel seen and engaging more deeply with the stories they tell, you can turn your attention to cultivating some social skills that don’t come naturally to many people. Brooks explains that as we practice learning to know others, we often have to work to counter some of our natural tendencies: the tendency to see things in a self-centered way, to be impatient rather than empathetic, or to shy away from the messy parts of others’ lives. Next, we’ll take a look at how you can work on these tendencies.

Learn to Center Others, Not Yourself

We’re all at the center of our own worlds, and we naturally center ourselves in our thoughts and our conversations. Brooks explains that by stepping back from your ego and how it wants you to see the world, you can make more room for other people. A great place to start is in the conversations you have every day with others. We all love talking about ourselves, and we sometimes find it challenging to talk about someone else for a change. By learning to resist the tendency to turn the conversation back to yourself—like by telling a friend who’s having trouble with a colleague about your own struggles at work—you can do a better job of being present with them.

(Shortform note: A phenomenon called “main character syndrome” can help to explain why we find it difficult to center others in our thoughts and conversations. Many of us see ourselves as the protagonist in our life’s story. This affects how we interact with others: The tendency to see ourselves as the “main character” can come from insecurity and cause us to seek attention or validation. It’s difficult to empathize or truly listen to others if we’re too focused on our own narrative. But experts say practicing empathy, self-reflection, and authenticity can help us to balance a desire for attention with consideration for others. That strategy aligns with Brooks's advice to make more room for other people in conversations.)

Another way Brooks recommends exercising care for others is to pay attention to social situations and to make them more comfortable and equitable for everyone. If there’s a major difference between you and another person—whether in political views or in the amount of power or access you have in a given context—it’s easy for you to make them feel misunderstood or excluded. Brooks advises working to put everyone on even footing so you can exchange ideas respectfully and authentically. For example, you might go into a meeting at work with more seniority than others in the room. But if you take the time to discuss everyone’s opinions, you’ll put your junior colleagues at ease and help them feel their voices are heard.

(Shortform note: Agreeing with Brooks’s focus on creating comfortable and equitable social situations, some experts offer concrete strategies for sharing your privilege and fostering inclusivity. Career adviser Gorick Ng (The Unspoken Rules) explains that those with privilege can level the playing field at work by facilitating introductions between colleagues and offering to mentor less-experienced team members. Ng also recommends making sure that your conversations are inclusive by giving everyone a chance to contribute, amplifying ideas from quieter people, and switching off less desirable tasks so everyone feels valued.)

Practice Empathy

Just as we tend to center ourselves, we can also naturally be impatient with people and jump to conclusions about how they’re handling a conversation or a situation. But Brooks explains that by practicing the skill of empathy, you can set yourself up to better understand others. He explains that empathy involves three skills: mirroring, mentalizing, and caring. Mirroring and mentalizing involve understanding the emotions that someone else is feeling in their current circumstances, either by experiencing those emotions yourself or by remembering what you felt in a similar situation. Caring involves centering the other person’s needs—which will often be different from what you would want or need if you were in a similar situation.

The Different Kinds of Empathy

Mentalizing and mirroring correspond with two different kinds of empathy—cognitive and emotional. Cognitive empathy involves understanding others' emotions without necessarily feeling them yourself (mentalizing), while emotional empathy entails actually experiencing the emotions of others (mirroring).

Cognitive empathy, also called “theory of mind,” develops as children grow and enables most people to form ideas about others’ mental states. Some people, including many with autism spectrum disorders, feel emotional empathy more intensely than others. Both kinds of empathy—along with the care Brooks writes we should exercise for others—give us different ways of feeling connected to other people.

Practicing empathy can help you support people in particularly difficult situations where many of us wouldn’t know what to say or what to do, such as when someone undergoes a loss, a mental health crisis, or another difficult period of their life. Brooks acknowledges it’s hard to know how to support someone in these moments. But you can do so by being present with them in their reality as they see it instead of trying to talk them into seeing things a different way.

(Shortform note: While Brooks emphasizes the importance of practicing empathy in difficult situations, it can be hard to do this in a sustainable way, whether in your friendships or at work. Some organizational psychologists suggest that when they practice empathy, managers should focus on empathic concern rather than emotional empathy. The idea is that by balancing self-care with genuine concern for the other people around you, you can provide effective support for your coworkers—or your friends—without burning yourself out.)

See People Clearly in Their Current Stage of Life

Finally, Brooks explains that it’s important to learn to see where people are in their life. To understand how each person is moving through their personal challenges and circumstances, it’s useful to think about where their focus lies. For example, some people are in the process of building an identity and cultivating a unique set of skills. Others are focused on finding important social connections, whether a partner or a close group of friends. Still others are working on building their career or finding a way to make the world a better place.

Brooks explains that learning to recognize these stages can not only help you support others through periods of transition—which are demanding and challenging—but can also help you understand a basic truth about life: that we often have to change and grow to move forward.

(Shortform note: How can you tell where someone’s focus lies? In [The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck](https://www.shortform.com/app/book/the-subtle-art-of-not-giving-a-f-ck/shortform-introduction), *Mark Manson proposes a four-stage model of life based on how people progress through different priorities: First, people work on learning norms by observing and imitating others. Second, in young adulthood, they discover their own traits and limitations. Third, as people enter their 30s, they commit to their priorities and relationships. Finally, near retirement age, many people shift their attention to passing on their life’s work and values. Manson writes that people only progress from stage to stage by accepting the inevitability of change—and as Brooks points out, it can be helpful to support others in these times of change and growth.)

What Do Critics Think of How to Know a Person?

Brooks’s argument for the importance of knowing others resonates with many. However, some critics suggest that while Brooks aims to teach readers how to form deeper connections, his perspective as a cultural critic might not fully capture the experiences of people beyond his own social circles.

While Brooks advocates understanding others through careful observation, some critics argue that Brooks’s own approach to social commentary might actually hinder genuine understanding of individuals and complex social issues. Some say that Brooks often categorizes people into broad types and relies on generalizations that oversimplify complex individual and societal problems, rather than rigorous sociological research. For example, Brooks argues that our society is in moral decline. But researchers who study linguistic trends say that the use of moral terms like “bravery,” “humbleness,” and “gratitude” has actually increased significantly since 2000.

That evidence contradicts Brooks’s claim of declining morality—and suggests a more complex picture of social values and relationships than the book presents. Some critics argue that Brooks overlooks progress in civil rights and toward the emergence of new moral codes, instead focusing on a perceived decline from an idealized past. Others note that his diagnoses of social issues tend to focus on individual character rather than structural factors. These critiques highlight just how difficult it is to genuinely know and understand people in all their complexity—especially given how we’re all limited by our own perspective.