PDF Summary:How to Become a People Magnet, by Marc Reklau

Personal charisma and likeability are important for many different areas of life, from career success to navigating family and relationships. And at times, it can feel like you’re either born with it or without it—but this isn’t true. In reality, charisma is a skill like any other. In How to Become a People Magnet, motivational speaker and life coach Marc Reklau explains how you can improve your charisma and social abilities. His lessons are based on one main principle: People are mainly interested in themselves and what they can get from you. If you keep this in mind and tailor your conversations around it, you’ll start getting along better with others.

This guide covers Reklau’s main strategies for making positive first impressions, forming deeper connections, and persuading people. In our commentary, we’ll cover some of the psychology behind his advice and offer alternate perspectives on charisma and social success.

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Reklau offers three methods to show appreciation or respect:

1) Give Compliments

The first method Reklau describes is offering honest and specific compliments. When a compliment feels honest, people will take your appreciation more seriously. When a compliment is specific, it makes people feel like you respected them enough to pay close attention to them. If you’re not sure what to specifically compliment someone about, Reklau suggests telling people what they want to hear. For example, if someone is worried they’ll come across as boring during a work presentation, compliment them afterward on how passionate they were. This will make them feel good about themselves and give them a reason to want to be around you more.

(Shortform note: While complimenting people is a great way to make them feel good, psychologists argue that there is such a thing as too many compliments. They explain that when you constantly compliment someone, your comments will start to come across as less sincere. In addition, people can come to expect these frequent compliments and worry they’re doing something wrong when you stop. To avoid this, try to space out your compliments and put thought and effort into them so they particularly resonate and leave people wanting more.)

2) Actively Listen

Second, Reklau says you should carefully and actively listen to others. This shows people that you appreciate and respect their input and what they have to say. Active listening requires you to give your conversation partner your full attention. Look at them while they speak and don’t think about other things—mentally rehearsing what you’ll say next, for instance. You should also show you’re engaged by leaning forward and nodding, agreeing, or asking questions when appropriate.

(Shortform note: Journalist Kate Murphy (You’re Not Listening) explains that while verbal affirmations can help signal active listening, you should also allow pauses in the conversation when appropriate. She says that people often pause to consider how they want to elaborate on an idea or rephrase what they’ve just said. So if you immediately start talking after they stop, you’ll cut them off and learn less about what they were thinking than you would’ve otherwise. Quickly cutting someone off can also signal that you don’t care enough about their idea to wait.)

3) Support Words With Actions

Finally, Reklau says you should also back up what you say with actions. If you tell people you appreciate and respect them but don’t act like it, people will start to take you less seriously. But if you back up what you say, people will trust you more and therefore appreciate you and your company more. Supporting words with actions can be as simple as not being late—showing you respect the other person’s time—or sticking to your word and following through on promises.

(Shortform note: Mental health experts note that supporting words with actions is particularly important when you apologize to someone. For your apology to come across as sincere, you have to show that you mean what you’re saying—and actions are excellent for this. Experts recommend you back up your verbal apologies with attempts to make amends, like replacing something you broke or figuring out a way to ensure you won’t hurt the other person again.)

Strategy #2: Avoid Conflict

Reklau explains that to maintain a good relationship with others, you should try to avoid any kind of conflict. Conflict is a lose-lose situation—even if you get what you want, you still make the other person feel bad and damage your relationship. He offers three methods for avoiding conflict: don’t take offense easily, don’t try to change others, and make sure any criticism you give is constructive.

(Shortform note: Some authors disagree with Reklau, suggesting that there are upsides to conflict. In Conflicted, columnist Ian Leslie claims that arguments can provide unique opportunities for insight and new ideas if you approach them in a productive, rational way. This is because arguments often provide new perspectives—you might have to defend your own beliefs from an angle you hadn’t previously considered or reckon with a new argument for something you disagree with. Leslie suggests that, when done correctly, arguing can strengthen connections by teaching people to respect each other’s opinions.)

1) Don’t Take Offense

To avoid conflict, Reklau suggests you don’t take offense to what other people say and do. When you treat their words and actions as personal attacks, you’re more likely to get hurt and become confrontational. Instead of assuming people are trying to judge or insult you, ask them what they mean. If they’re offering constructive criticism, you can learn a lot by listening and being open to it. And if someone is judging or insulting you, tell yourself that it’s their problem and that getting into an argument won’t help anything. You should remain positive even if someone is being mean and be willing to forgive them—getting mad and holding grudges wastes time and energy.

For example, Tim tells Amy that she’s “a very tough person.” Instead of assuming Tim is calling her mean and harsh, Amy asks him what he means. Tim says he meant that she’s determined and strong even during hard times. By not taking offense right away to Tim’s comment, Amy avoided potential conflict.

(Shortform note: If you’re struggling to not take offense to what others say and do, you might have to look inside yourself for a deeper cause. Mental health experts explain that taking things personally often stems from deeper negative feelings, like a specific insecurity or fear of being judged. These deeper feelings can then be triggered by specific comments or words, causing you to feel hurt and get defensive to protect yourself. In other words, you assume others are trying to hurt you, so you take offense. To determine if there’s a deeper cause leading you to take things personally, consider how you interpreted whatever bothered you, other ways you could have interpreted it, and how your interpretation touched on an emotional sore spot.)

2) Don’t Try to Change Others

You can also avoid conflict by not trying to change the opinions and behaviors of others, explains Reklau. People are usually set in their ways and tend to get more stubborn and defensive when challenged. Because of this, trying to change others is usually an unproductive source of tension. Reklau recommends you avoid the urge to change others by focusing on people’s strengths instead of their faults. When you pay more attention to what you like about someone, you’ll want to change them less.

(Shortform note: In some instances, changing other people can be a mutually positive experience that doesn’t create conflict—such as helping someone improve in an area of their life or trying to alter the behaviors responsible for relationship struggles. In these instances, psychologists suggest you approach whoever you want to help from a place of love and care, and only proceed so long as they seem onboard. Otherwise, you’ll run into the unproductive defensiveness Reklau describes.)

3) Give Constructive Criticism

Reklau recommends that you avoid criticizing others as much as possible since you can’t change others and should avoid potential conflicts. But if you do need to offer criticism, he suggests framing it positively and constructively. This makes people feel less judged or personally attacked, leading to fewer conflicts. For example, you offer praise before and after your criticism to soften it with positivity, and ask the other person for potential solutions so they feel like you’re working together to constructively address the problem.

(Shortform note: The authors of The One Minute Manager note that you can also take steps before offering feedback to help keep any future criticism positive and constructive. They recommend you set clear expectations and standards well in advance of any criticism. Having clear standards means your feedback will be clearer and less likely to surprise people. This lowers the chances of any misunderstandings or unpleasant surprises that might lead to conflict.)

Part 3: Persuading People

The last social skill Reklau discusses is the art of persuasion. Because people are self-interested, persuasion means making them want what you want. Reklau offers three methods for doing so: leading people to your idea, appealing to authority, and focusing on yeses. Let’s look at each of the strategies in more detail.

(Shortform note: Before you start trying to persuade someone, rhetoric professor Jay Heinrichs (Thank You For Arguing) suggests you take time to consider what your goal is. Determining your goal will help guide you toward using certain methods. If you’re trying to persuade someone to feel a certain way, for example, you’ll want to use emotional appeals. In addition, clarifying your goal will help you focus on convincing the other person to see things your way instead of on trying to beat them—as the latter is more likely to lead to unproductive conflict.)

Method #1: Lead People to Your Idea

Reklau suggests that people don’t like feeling forced or pressured into doing something. So instead of using direct demands, try to lead someone to come up with your idea through questioning or brainstorming. When they feel like they came up with it, they’ll be more likely to want it. For example, Anne wants to go to Atlantic City with her friends for the weekend. But instead of demanding they go, she offers the suggestion early to get the idea in their heads. Then when she asks them where they want to go later on, they’re more likely to suggest it as their own idea.

(Shortform note: Debater Peter Andrei (How Highly Effective People Speak) explains that you can employ cognitive biases to lead people to certain ideas—in other words, you can take advantage of how the brain processes information to get people to focus on what you want. For example, he explains that people are biased toward choices that carry no risk, even if they also give less of a benefit. Therefore, you can help lead someone toward your idea by mentioning ahead of time that it carries no risk of failing or causing any kind of loss.)

Method #2: Appeal to Authority

Reklau explains that you can quote or reference important people to convince the other person you’re right. This connects your idea to that person’s authority and makes it seem like the idea isn’t coming directly from you—making people feel less like you’re forcing your idea on them. For example, in our previous scenario Anne might point out the many positive online reviews of places in Atlantic City during her vacation negotiations. This allows her to appeal to a third party with more weight—the large number of people who wrote positive reviews.

(Shortform note: Robert Cialdini (Influence) elaborates on why appealing to authority is so persuasive. According to him, society teaches us to respect and obey centralized authority. This is the main thing that separates civilization from anarchy, so it holds a great deal of cultural importance. Cialdini explains that this urge is strong enough that people even respect symbols of authority like uniforms or badges of important people. Therefore, when you mention a source of authority, people are socially trained to believe and trust it.)

Method #3: Focus on Yeses

Reklau says that if you focus on “yeses,” people will tend to be more agreeable to your idea. To do this, ask someone multiple questions you know they’ll say yes to before you pitch your idea, so they’re more used to saying yes to you. For example, Anne might start pitching activities she knows her friends like so they start saying “yes” before she mentions Atlantic City.

You can also try offering “this or that” choices so they can’t say no and have to focus on yeses. For example, instead of asking if her friends want to go to Atlantic City or not, Anne might offer them choices between various places they could go in Atlantic City.

(Shortform note: Persuasion expert Robert Cialdini (Pre-Suasion) further elaborates on why focusing on yeses is so effective. According to him, people assume the information preceding their decision is relevant—in other words, whatever they were thinking about before your pitch will influence their response, regardless of whether it’s actually relevant. So when you get someone focused on things they want to say yes to, they’ll connect that positive feeling to whatever you’re persuading them on.)