PDF Summary:Good Inside, by Becky Kennedy

No, you’re not a bad parent. And your kids are actually good kids—parenting is just hard. Do you wish it came with a manual? Clinical psychologist Becky Kennedy’s Good Inside might be just what you need.

Good Inside is a parenting manual to help you make changes in your child’s behavior while building a positive relationship with them. Most parenting advice sees children’s behavior as a problem to be fixed through time-outs, rewards, and serious conversations. But Becky Kennedy argues that these strategies jeopardize your connection with your children. That’s a high price to pay for band-aid strategies that don't deal with the root causes of problematic behaviors.

Our guide lays out the core principles of Kennedy’s approach to parenting, her essential toolkit for dealing with challenging behavior, and strategies to deal with 10 common parenting challenges. We complement Kennedy’s advice with that of other experts, including the authors of parenting classics The Whole-Brain Child, 1-2-3 Magic, and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.

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• Despite the challenges, how do you feel about being a parent?

Your answers to these questions can arguably be part of your reflection with your child, as well—sharing your reflections may help them see the big picture, too.

Section 3: Common Parenting Challenges and What to Do About Them

Now that we’ve discussed how Kennedy’s approach to parenting works and what basic tools you need to apply it, we’ll explore 10 common parenting challenges. Kennedy suggests specific approaches for handling each challenge so that you can foster behavioral change without jeopardizing your connection to your child.

We’ve chosen to describe some of Kennedy’s most representative strategies when dealing with each challenge, but many strategies are applicable in more than one situation. For each challenge, we’ve highlighted strategies that apply Kennedy’s key tools: boundaries, empathy, validation, connection, playfulness, and confidence-building.

Challenge #1: Getting Your Child to Listen

Kennedy argues that if you believe your child doesn’t listen to you, the issue isn’t listening, but cooperating—in other words, your child isn’t complying with your requests. When your kid doesn’t cooperate, it’s likely because they’re feeling disconnected from you or because you’re asking them to do something they don’t want to do. The latter is the nature of parenting, but there are ways to make your requests less confrontational and more engaging. Yelling, for example, only makes your child less likely to cooperate because they’ll be in fight or flight mode.

(Shortform note: Kids aren’t the only ones who can have a hard time listening. The authors of Difficult Conversations argue that one of the most common complaints about difficult conversations with adults is that the other person isn’t listening. When we feel others aren’t listening to us, we tell ourselves they’re stubborn, don’t care what we have to say, or don’t understand it. But people stop listening when they don’t feel heard. The way to get someone—whether a child or adult—to listen to you is to put genuine, concerted effort into making sure they feel heard first. )

To make your requests less confrontational, Kennedy recommends using the following tools: 1) validation, 2) connection, and 3) playfulness.

Validation and Connection

Acknowledge that you’re interrupting your child’s activities, or that you’re asking for something they don’t like. Then, Kennedy suggests involving your child in the decision-making. For example, give her options, like tidying up alone or with your help, or brainstorm ways to make the task more agreeable, like playing music while tidying up. (Shortform note: In How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish agree that validating your child’s feelings fosters cooperation. They add that focusing on problem-solving instead of authority gives your child space to think of her own solutions. This fosters her autonomy and your connection with her.)

Kennedy recommends building your connection with your child before asking her to do something. Regularly spend at least 10 minutes one-on-one with your child (each individual child, if you have more than one) with no devices or distractions. Observe her play, describe what she does, or mimic her activities. Don’t ask questions or give her instructions—this is her time! (Shortform note: Other parenting experts explain why one-on-one time with your child strengthens your connection. In 1-2-3 Magic, Phelan writes that having quality one-on-one time shows her that you enjoy her company. This tells her you not only love her—you also like her.)

Playfulness

Kennedy also suggests sprinkling some silliness onto your asks, especially the less enticing ones. For example, close your eyes and say that if the task is done by the time you open them, you’ll run around the room in a victory lap. (Shortform note: In The Whole-Brain Child, Siegel and Bryson explain another benefit of playfulness: It helps your child integrate with other people. Showing your child how fun and rewarding it is to be in a relationship with you—her first and primary relationship—will encourage her to build healthy relationships with other people, as well.)

Challenge #2: Dealing With Tantrums

Kennedy explains that tantrums are episodes in which a child is feeling emotions more powerful than what they’re able to process, and they become dysregulated as a result. Tantrums aren’t misbehavior—they’re a moment where your child’s body gets out of their control. They’re important for your child’s development because they shape the foundation of them knowing what they want and being able to ask—and, if necessary, fight—for what they want.

(Shortform note: Although tantrums are a natural part of your child’s development, you probably want her to grow out of them eventually. Kennedy doesn’t offer advice on coaching your child away from tantrums, but the authors of The Whole-Brain Child offer tips on how to avoid tantrums, such as by avoiding “no” to toddlers and fostering your child’s reasoning skills.)

To help your child learn to regulate her emotions without squashing her emerging will and assertiveness, work with the underlying urge. Kennedy suggests using two tools: 1) empathy and validation and 2) connection.

Empathy

Ensure that you’re calm and have perspective on the situation. Kennedy urges you to remember that your child’s meltdown is developmentally appropriate and not a reflection of your parenting. (Shortform note: You and your child benefit from looking at the bigger picture when big feelings are taking place. The authors of The Whole-Brain Child suggest reminding your child that emotions are temporary and helping her recall a recent time when she was happy. That being said, Kennedy warns against trying to fight a tantrum with logic because emotions will always win out inside a child’s developing brain. Instead, use these reminders to keep yourself regulated during the tantrum, and share them with your child when she’s calmer.)

Validation and Connection

Validate what your child is feeling and how powerful and important it is. Kennedy explains that putting your kid’s urge into words tells her that you understand what she’s experiencing, even if you can’t allow her to have what she wants. At the same time, tell her that you’re right there with her, and stay present until the tantrum subsides. (Shortform note: One way to validate your child’s urges even if they’re not feasible is to use make-believe. The authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk explain this can help a child feel heard. For example, if your child doesn’t want to do her homework, say, “It’s frustrating to do homework after a long day at school. I wish I could wave a magic wand and give you more time to play!”)

Dealing With Aggressive Tantrums

Sometimes, Kennedy says, tantrums become aggressive if the feelings are so intense that the child becomes frightened at her own loss of control. The stress hormone cortisol floods her body and sets off aggressive behavior like kicking or biting. Aggressive tantrums are also developmentally normal, but they need a different approach.

(Shortform note: Although aggressive tantrums are a natural result of a young child’s body being flooded with cortisol, it’s worthwhile to keep tabs on them. A study of preschoolers found that the tantrums of children who fit the criteria for depression turned aggressive more often, lasted longer, were harder to recover from, and involved self-harming behavior more often. The researchers point out, however, that triggers like illness and changes in their environment could also make children lash out aggressively, so it’s important to look at each child’s behavior in its context.)

When your child’s tantrum takes an aggressive turn, Kennedy recommends using two tools: 1) boundaries and 2) validation and empathy.

Boundaries

Enforce the necessary boundaries to keep everyone safe. Tell your child that you won’t let her continue the aggressive behavior, and, if necessary, Kennedy explains you might have to use your body to stop her without hurting her. Give her a safe and acceptable outlet for her urges. If the tantrum continues, take your child to a small room and sit there with her. Model calm behavior through deep breathing and a soothing voice. Stay there with your child until the tantrum subsides.

(Shortform note: Kennedy isn’t alone in advocating for boundaries applied with love and connection. For example, instead of time-outs, Montessori-influenced educators recommend “time-ins,” similar to Kennedy’s suggestion to take your child to a small room. However, once your child is regulated, they suggest letting her choose whether or not to go back into the situation that triggered her. As a parent, you should decide whether giving that option violates the boundaries you’ve set.)

Validation and Empathy

Kennedy suggests that after the tantrum, once everyone is calm, you should talk about what happened with your child to validate her experience and show her how she eventually rode out the tantrum. Narrate to your child what triggered the tantrum, how she felt, what her body did, and what you both did until her body regulated. (Shortform note: Encouraging your child to remember things—even unpleasant things—has an additional benefit. In The Whole-Brain Child, the authors argue that processing experiences avoids unintegrated memories—fragments of unresolved thoughts, sensations, and emotions. Unintegrated memories can create anxiety around everyday activities, injure your child’s self-confidence, and impede her ability to trust others.)

Challenge #3: Navigating Sibling Relationships

Sibling relationships can be challenging for children and elicit unwanted behavior, such as fighting or whining. Kennedy argues this is because siblings can feel threatening to a child’s attachment needs since they can see your attention going to someone else. The difference in abilities and in the parental involvement other siblings require can also be frustrating to children.

To help your children manage the emotions that sibling relationships generate, Kennedy suggests using the following tools: 1) empathy, 2) confidence-building, and 3) a combination of validation and boundaries.

Empathy

Give your children the opportunity to complain about their siblings to you—just not in the presence of the aggrieving sibling. Kennedy says that this will give them an outlet for their emotions without harming the relationship between them. Don’t let the complaining turn into name-calling, as this is a form of bullying.

(Shortform note: Sometimes, a child simply needs more time and attention, and it can cause her siblings to feel invisible. For example, siblings of children with medical needs can become “glass children” when their parents become overwhelmed with the needs of the other child and “see through” the other children. To avoid this, experts recommend sharing a journal with her and connecting her with other young people in similar situations to help her see she’s not alone. These can be safe spaces for her to vent safely and feel that others empathize with her situation.)

Confidence-Building

Explain that you’ll give each child what they need, not give them each the same thing. Kennedy argues that this will help avoid comparisons in the short term and, in the long run, it will help your children define their wants and needs for themselves, not in reference to other people. (Shortform note: The way you allocate resources to each child can certainly trigger unhelpful comparisons, but there are other ways that parents encourage this problem. Often, parents actively compare their children, or label them as “the most/least” of some trait, which can encourage competition and passive-aggressiveness and undermine confidence.)

Validation and Boundaries

When an argument is brewing, Kennedy says you should be an objective narrator. Describe what you’re seeing and how each must be feeling, and pose questions to prompt them to problem solve without you. If a situation turns physically or verbally aggressive, step in decisively: Announce that you won’t let them hurt each other, then separate them. Decide which sibling needs you most urgently and tell the other sibling that you’ll be with them soon and that you know they need you, too. Then help each one regulate their emotions using the strategies for tantrums.

(Shortform note: When you act as an objective narrator, you can treat sibling arguments as opportunities to coach your kids in the kinds of social skills that the authors of The Whole-Brain Child say you must teach your children. For example, you can help your kids practice seeing another person’s perspective by asking questions about how their sibling may have reacted in a certain way. Similarly, if the disagreement went so far that you had to separate your children, you might teach them the value of making amends after an argument rather than just apologizing.)

Challenge #4: Coping with Defiance, Whining, and Lying

Parents often see defiance, whining, and lying as signs of lack of respect, but Kennedy argues instead that they’re symptoms of an underlying emotional discomfort. When your child engages in these behaviors, use empathy and connection to validate what they’re feeling, and to foster a relationship in which they don’t need to resort to those behaviors. Kennedy recommends three tools for addressing each behavior: 1) boundaries, 2) validation, and 3) connection.

Boundaries

Kennedy argues that a child who’s being defiant is feeling an urge she can’t express in a healthy way. If your child is being defiant, calmly enforce the boundary and then see if there’s an alternative, acceptable way for her to express the urge. (Shortform note: Another way to give your child some space to express her urges is by giving her the opportunity to practice decision-making. The authors of The Whole-Brain Child suggest giving children simple decisions to make from a young age, such as choosing which shirt to wear. This helps your child assert her independence while building decision-making skills.)

Validation

Kennedy believes children whine when they feel powerless, overwhelmed, or disconnected from you. If your child is whining, express her emotions in a neutral, non-whiny, voice. Then, consider what you can do to tend to her need for power, calmness, or connection.

Connection

Kennedy argues that a child who’s lying wishes for something that isn’t possible. It can be a desire for a fantasy to come true, to separate herself from something that might threaten her attachment to her caregivers, or to be independent. If the lie is about something that’s not possible, restate the lie as a wish. If it’s a desire to protect her attachment to you or to be independent, help her feel safe by telling her what you’d do if, hypothetically, you knew the truth about whatever she’s lying about.

(Shortform note: When your child is whining because she feels overwhelmed or lying because she wants her situation to be different, there’s another strategy that can help you validate her feelings, nurture your connection, and prevent the behavior from happening again, at least in the short term: Hold her. Experts argue that holding your child for several minutes when she’s whining helps her know that you understand that she’s not feeling okay.)

Challenge #5: Dealing With Fearful, Anxious, and Crying Kids

Fears, anxiety, and crying—even “fake” crying—are expressions of vulnerability. Kennedy explains that when children perceive a threat, their bodies feel fear or anxiety. When they feel sadness, they cry. When they feel disconnected from their caregivers, they pretend-cry to secure that connection.

Kennedy argues that parents often shut down these expressions of vulnerability because they trigger uncomfortable feelings related to their own vulnerability. You might try to convince your child to stop being sad, anxious, or afraid, or even shame her for feeling that way. But this teaches her that these feelings are wrong and to be avoided, which leaves her unprepared for real life. Instead, support her through those feelings so she develops the tools to work through them in the future.

(Shortform note: Discomfort with vulnerability can show up in different ways. In Daring Greatly, Brené Brown argues that people who get triggered by vulnerability might lash out in one of four ways: They might dismiss other people’s experiences, judge other people’s actions, adopt an “I don’t care” attitude, or deliberately hurt others with their words or behaviors.)

To help your child learn to work through her vulnerable feelings, Kennedy suggests the following tools: 1) confidence-building, 2) validation and empathy, and 3) playfulness.

Confidence-Building, Validation, and Empathy

Kennedy suggests starting by naming the feelings your child is experiencing and letting her know that it’s okay to feel them, even if it’s uncomfortable. Then, help her brainstorm strategies to deal with a fear or anxiety, and practice the strategies with her when you know a challenging situation is coming up. Share similar feelings you’ve had in the past and how you worked through them. Let her know you’re glad she’s sharing this important information with you.

(Shortform note: As your child matures, you might introduce new strategies to help her build her confidence to face her fears with logic while still empathizing and acknowledging that her fears are valid. One strategy to consider is Tim Ferriss’s “fear-setting,” which he describes in The 4-Hour Workweek. To fear-set, you write down your fears, the worst-case scenario that might result from them, and potential solutions to deal with them.)

Playfulness

Take advantage of your child’s favorite stories and characters to start conversations about emotions. For example, Kennedy recommends pointing out when fictional characters cry and talking about how they must be feeling, or role-playing challenging situations using your child's stuffed animals. (Shortform note: The authors of The Whole-Brain Child say that besides helping your kid deal with her own emotions, thinking about how others feel helps develop empathy and compassion.)

Challenge #6: Encouraging a Hesitant and Shy Child

When kids are shy or hesitant to join in an activity or group, parents often worry that they’re underconfident. But, as we’ve seen, Kennedy believes that confidence is about being sure of what you feel and what does or doesn’t feel good. A kid who takes her time before joining a group or activity is giving herself time to build trust in the group and situation—this shows that she’s confident about who she is and what feels good and safe for her.

If your child has a tendency to be shy or hesitant, Kennedy suggests using the tools of validation and confidence-building:

Validation and Confidence-Building

Kennedy reminds you that hesitancy can be an important life skill as your child grows into a teenager and adult who will face unsafe situations. Refrain from calling your child shy, for example, because children will identify with the labels we assign them. Instead, describe how she’s taking her time to feel comfortable. Tell your child that she’ll know when she’s ready to jump in and that there’s no rush. This demonstrates that you trust her and that she can trust herself, too.

(Shortform note: Other experts agree that hesitancy isn’t about being afraid, but there may be more to it than Kennedy implies. In Quiet: The Power of Introverts, Susan Cain explains that introverted children are naturally cautious in new situations. This sensitivity may have survived evolution because it’s associated with other survival-enhancing attributes, such as observing carefully, looking before leaping, and processing information thoroughly. To help your hesitant child develop confidence, Cain suggests teaching her how to find a comfortable role in a group, helping her practice speaking up, and role-playing how to behave in various situations.)

Challenge #7: Handling Frustration and Perfectionism

Children need to develop frustration tolerance because, as Kennedy explains, learning requires making mistakes and being okay with not knowing everything at first. Kids who have a tendency toward perfectionism need extra help with this because their self-worth is deeply tied to their achievements. (Shortform note: Developing frustration tolerance is important for more than being able to learn. In Daring Greatly, Brené Brown explains that perfectionism fosters anxiety, depression, and addiction. It causes you to feel unable to take risks, make mistakes, or disappoint people without becoming debilitated by shame.)

To build your child’s frustration tolerance, Kennedy suggests using the tool of confidence-building:

Confidence-Building

Kennedy says you should encourage a growth mindset. Be patient when your child gets frustrated and takes a while to figure things out, and be okay with getting frustrated when you’re doing something difficult. (Shortform note: In Mindset, Carol Dweck argues that your beliefs about your intelligence and ability can help or hinder you from reaching your potential. Children learn one of two mindsets from their parents, teachers, and coaches: that qualities such as intelligence are innate and unchangeable (the fixed mindset) or that they can develop (the growth mindset).)

Kennedy also suggests that you praise kids for what’s inside them, not the outcome. She suggests that instead of saying “good job,” you remark on how hard they worked or ask questions about the process. This centers their experience instead of the product and teaches them to look inside for validation. (Shortform note: In How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, the authors add that descriptive praise helps children notice their strengths and learn to praise themselves. To build their confidence and encourage them to validate themselves, praise specific elements of their work or process.)

Furthermore, Kennedy suggests that you reframe your role in your child’s learning: Don’t think of yourself as the teacher of the skill, but as the coach showing your child how to cope with the struggle of learning. (Shortform note: Coach your child through frustration by teaching her how to self-regulate when she gets upset. The authors of The Whole-Brain Child suggest you teach your child calming techniques such as punching pillows, stomping her feet, or counting to 10.)

Challenge #8: Encouraging Bodily Autonomy and Healthy Relationships With Food

According to Kennedy, bodily autonomy enables a child to say “no” when they don’t feel comfortable with something, even if the boundary makes others upset. It’s the result of a child trusting her internal cues and feeling confident in enforcing boundaries because she knows they matter. To foster your child’s developing bodily autonomy, Kennedy recommends using the tools of validation and confidence-building:

Validation and Confidence-Building

Assume that your child’s experience is true. When your child expresses discomfort, hesitation, or some other negative feeling, Kennedy urges you to believe her. Don’t tell her she’s exaggerating or being silly. Remind her that only she can determine what feels good or bad in her body. Describe what she’s feeling to help her learn how to explain it herself later on. When you’re not sure what she’s feeling or what’s triggering her discomfort, Kennedy suggests you simply say there’s something in the situation that feels bad to her.

More Tips for Fostering Bodily Autonomy

Fostering your child’s bodily autonomy can ensure that they ask for help if they’re ever a victim of abuse or sexual assault. Other experts add that you can encourage your child’s bodily autonomy by:

Teaching them the proper names of body parts. This ensures that if anyone touches them inappropriately, your child will be able to clearly say where they were touched and get help.

Teaching them that it’s never their fault if someone does something to their body that they don’t like and that they’ll never get into trouble for speaking out about it. This preemptively validates the discomfort they would feel in a situation of abuse or assault, and it lets them know that they’re safe to share that discomfort with you.

The Boundaries of Bodily Autonomy at Mealtimes

Bodily autonomy also plays out during mealtime struggles. Kennedy explains that as a parent, you feel responsible for nourishing your child, and you might see her refusal of brussels sprouts as your failure to live up to that responsibility. But your child is learning to exercise control over her body, and she sees your insistence on eating that vegetable as a threat to her bodily independence.

Kennedy suggests that you explain to your child the limits and options she has during mealtimes, according to her role. Your job as a parent is to decide what food is available to your child and when and where she can have it. Your child’s job is to decide whether she’s going to eat it and how much of it she’s going to have.

(Shortform note: Respecting your child’s bodily autonomy will help her become a competent eater. When children feel in control of what they eat, they’re more likely to interact with the food you offer in a relaxed, open-minded way, and they’ll feel calmer, which will help make the sensory experience of the meal more pleasant and something they can look forward to. As a parent, being in control of what foods are available and when and where she has access to them can help you feel confident in letting your child have autonomy over what she decides to eat.)

Challenge #9: Soothing Separation Anxiety & Bedtime Struggles

As we’ve seen, children are evolutionarily wired to attach to their parents because this ensures their survival. Separation anxiety—which manifests as crying, tantruming, and other behaviors that happen when you say goodbye to your child—is a result of this wiring. Kennedy explains that when you separate from her, she’ll need to retain the sense of safety your presence gives her without having you with her. At bedtime, separation anxiety is compounded by the fact that your child needs to feel safe to fall asleep.

To deal with separation anxiety, Kennedy suggests using these three tools: 1) connection, 2) confidence-building, and 3) playfulness.

Connection

Progressively increase the distance that feels safe during bedtime. Start by sitting on your child’s bed, gently stroking her hair until she falls asleep. After a few days, move to the foot of the bed, and so on until you’ve gradually moved to the other side of her open door. Kennedy recommends that each time you’re going to move, you let her know about it that morning so she can mentally prepare.

(Shortform note: Kennedy’s bedtime strategy can help your child ease into that long stretch of separation, but you might also consider not separating from your infant or toddler at bedtime by co-sleeping instead. In many cultures, safe co-sleeping is the norm and parents believe that it helps their children feel the security they need in that vulnerable moment, which some parents argue will help children become independent and secure in the future.)

Confidence-Building

Build a routine. Kennedy explains that knowing what to expect during this time will make it easier for your child to cope, which can help her feel more confident about facing the time away from you. Talk to your child about what the separation will look like and what you’ll say and do. When it’s time to separate, model confidence. If you project nervousness, your child will pick up on it, confirming her suspicions that it’s not safe to be away from you. Kennedy argues that if you project confidence, she’ll still be upset—but she’ll see that you’re sure that it’s okay for her to be away from you, so it must be.

(Shortform note: To model confidence, you have to be confident. The authors of The Whole-Brain Child argue that children can sense their parents’ underlying emotions. So, this is not the time to fake it till you make it. Instead, educate yourself on how to support your child, choose strategies you feel comfortable with, and be confident that you can use them effectively.)

Playfulness

Kennedy suggests that before you separate, you hug your child tight and playfully “check” her to see if her tank’s topped up with enough parental love. Hug her several times until she’s all “topped up” and then give her an extra hug so she has “extra” parental love to tide her over until your next moment together. (Shortform note: Besides playfulness, Kennedy’s “top-up” game uses the power of touch. In No-Drama Discipline, the authors explain that positive touch releases stress-relieving hormones in the brain, which help children (and adults) calm down.)

Challenge #10: Raising Kids Who Have Intense Emotions and Reactions

Kennedy warns that some kids—those she calls “deeply-feeling” kids—might not respond well to her strategies. Some kids feel their emotions more intensely than others, and as a result have more intense reactions: their tantrums, for example, are more frequent, challenging, and easier to spark than other children’s. This is compounded by the fact that these children also notice the comparative intensity of their feelings and reactions, and they fear that they’re unloveable and that their parents won’t be able to deal with them. This fills them with shame and fear, which only serves to make their reactions harsher and make it harder for parents to find ways to approach them.

(Shortform note: Kennedy believes that children who have very intense reactions feel their emotions more intensely than others, but other experts offer a different rationale. Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child, argues that it’s not that they feel their emotions more intensely, but rather that they lack the executive skills to deal with them—skills like patience, emotional management, or flexibility.)

Kennedy suggests using the tools of boundaries and playfulness to deal with a child who has very intense emotions and reactions:

Boundaries

Kennedy argues that a child with intense emotions and reactions fears that her outbursts will be too much for others to deal with. By calmly enforcing boundaries, you’re showing her that her reactions aren’t too much for you to deal with and that you’re still able to be her caring leader and keep her safe. What if her reactions are too much for you to deal with? Take her to a safe place where she won’t hurt herself or anyone else, then let her know that you need to take some calming breaths but that you’ll stay close by and come back soon. Step away, collect yourself, and come back when you’re ready.

Playfulness

Get creative to explore your child’s feelings. Kennedy explains that children with intense emotions easily fall into shame when discussing their feelings because they get overwhelmed by the intensity and by the intrusion of others into their inner world. Instead of trying to get her to talk about her feelings, tell your child that she can close her eyes and even hide while you ask questions. She just needs to show you a thumbs up or down to let you know what her answers are. This will help your child slowly feel more comfortable expressing her feelings.

Deeply-Feeling Kids Might Benefit From Techniques for Helping Highly Sensitive Kids

Although Kennedy doesn’t draw a connection between children who feel deeply and highly sensitive kids, both groups share commonalities. Like Kennedy’s deeply-feeling kids, highly sensitive children struggle with boundaries, are very self-conscious about their feelings, and have bigger reactions than other children. Kennedy acknowledges that her strategies often backfire with these children because they shine a spotlight on their inner world, which they’re very protective of. Other parenting experts agree that these kinds of strategies don’t work with highly sensitive children, and these experts say that parents need to do less when dealing with them and focus on giving them space.

For example, if your deeply-feeling or highly sensitive child is having a tantrum, repeating calming mantras or empathetic phrases might enrage her further. Instead, verbally validate her feelings once, remove anything that might be dangerous while she’s tantruming, and give her space to get the emotions out of her system. This might help the tantrum end sooner than if you’re in her ear repeating phrases that highlight how out of control she is. Outside of tantrums, if you’re trying to get your child to open up about something, verbally empathize with her about the challenging thing you want to discuss, then let her know you’re available to discuss it whenever she’s ready.