PDF Summary:Getting Along, by Amy Gallo

Modern workplaces foster a wide array of professional relationships, some of which can be challenging. In Getting Along, Amy Gallo explores various archetypes of difficult coworkers—from insecure managers to cutthroat tacticians—and offers principles for managing tense interpersonal situations.

Not only do strained workplace connections impact personal performance and well-being, Gallo argues, but they also damage organizational culture, incurring substantial costs for businesses. This book examines the broader forces at play, including organizational culture and cognitive biases that shape our perceptions, to provide tools for navigating even the thorniest of professional relationships.

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• Develop a "gratitude alarm" routine by setting random alarms throughout the day as reminders to pause and think of one thing you're grateful for. This could be as simple as appreciating a sunny day or being thankful for a good conversation with a friend.

Colleague Indirectly Undermining Others

Gallo defines the passive-aggressive peer as someone who outwardly agrees but covertly resists. They often make empty promises, miss deadlines, feign ignorance, or reply with sarcasm or disguised insults. This conduct breeds confusion and bitterness.

Context

• Individuals may resort to passive-aggressive behavior as a way to avoid direct confrontation, which they might find uncomfortable or threatening.

Other Perspectives

• Feigning ignorance can sometimes be a strategy to avoid conflict or to encourage others to provide more information, rather than a passive-aggressive tactic.
• Sarcasm and disguised insults can sometimes be a form of humor or a cultural communication style rather than an indication of passive-aggressive behavior.

The Arrogant Expert: Interrupts and Refuses Feedback

This persona personifies arrogance. They monopolize conversations, interrupt consistently, and dismiss any perspectives that challenge their own. They rarely ask questions or admit ignorance, and their patronizing manner creates friction with colleagues. According to Gallo, their inflated self-esteem often stems from a need to overcompensate for underlying insecurities.

Other Perspectives

• Monopolizing a conversation can sometimes be a result of enthusiasm and passion for the subject matter rather than arrogance.
• An expert might interrupt to correct misinformation that could lead to harmful consequences if not addressed promptly.
• Dismissing perspectives that challenge one's own can sometimes be a defense mechanism to maintain focus and avoid getting sidetracked by arguments that have been previously addressed or debunked.
• The Arrogant Expert may actually ask questions, but they could be rhetorical or leading questions designed to reinforce their own viewpoint rather than genuine inquiries.
• In some cases, the expert may actually be open to learning and admitting ignorance in private or safe spaces, but may not do so publicly due to concerns about their professional reputation.
• The friction caused by the 'Arrogant Expert' could be mitigated by effective leadership or mediation that channels the expert's knowledge while addressing their interpersonal shortcomings.
• Arrogance could also be culturally influenced, where certain behaviors are taught or encouraged as a means of displaying competence or leadership.

Tormentor: Boasts About Sacrifices, Believes Others Should Suffer

People who torment others are often senior figures who believe that others should endure the same hardships they did to succeed. Gallo describes them as individuals that might set unreasonable expectations, criticize younger colleagues, deny requests for reasonable flexibility, and justify their harsh treatment as developmental. They often feel entitled by their suffering to demand the same from others.

Other Perspectives

• Not all senior figures engage in tormenting behavior; many are supportive and act as mentors to their juniors.
• Not everyone's path to success is the same, and hardships that were formative for one person may not be necessary or beneficial for another.
• What may seem like unreasonable expectations to some might actually be industry standards or necessary benchmarks for certain roles or projects.
• Criticism could be reflective of a high-performance culture where excellence is expected, and feedback is a tool to maintain standards.
• Denying flexibility could sometimes be a form of tough love intended to prepare younger colleagues for the realities of a competitive work environment.
• Constructive feedback and supportive mentorship have been shown to be more effective in fostering growth and development in individuals.
• The belief that others must endure the same hardships overlooks the possibility of progress and improvement in workplace culture and conditions.

Biased Colleague: Uses Discriminatory Language That Marginalizes

This archetype encompasses individuals who exhibit discriminatory behavior, whether consciously or unconsciously. They might make offensive jokes, question the abilities of colleagues based on their ethnicity or gender, express stereotypes, or dismiss systemic bias as real. Gallo points out that these actions, even if unintentional, can cause significant harm and create a toxic workplace.

Context

• Colleagues who witness discriminatory behavior have a role in addressing it. Bystander intervention can help create a more inclusive environment by challenging inappropriate behavior and supporting affected individuals.
• The intent behind a joke does not negate its impact; even if not meant to harm, the effect on the recipient can be damaging and long-lasting.
• This behavior perpetuates harmful stereotypes, reinforcing societal biases and making it harder to achieve equality in the workplace.
• Stereotypes are oversimplified and fixed ideas about a group of people. They often ignore individual differences and can lead to unfair assumptions.
• This can include wage gaps, unequal access to opportunities, and representation disparities in leadership roles, often rooted in historical and cultural contexts.
• Discriminatory language can hinder open communication, as affected individuals may feel reluctant to share ideas or feedback.
• Organizations may face legal consequences if discriminatory behavior is not addressed, as it can violate workplace discrimination laws and ethical standards.

Cutthroat Political Tactician: Advances by Undermining Peers

This archetype, Gallo explains, is driven by an insatiable hunger for influence and advancement, and they will employ questionable tactics to get ahead. They might hoard information, spread rumors, claim other people's accomplishments, or strategically align with powerful people to gain an advantage. Their focus on self-promotion often disrupts team dynamics and undermines confidence in others. However, Gallo points out that getting involved in workplace politics can be necessary and beneficial for career success when done ethically. It's the ruthless behavior that sacrifices others that defines this archetype.

Other Perspectives

• The term "cutthroat" may be subjective and context-dependent; what is considered ruthless in one setting might be seen as assertive or decisive in another.
• Spreading rumors might be the result of misunderstandings or miscommunications rather than intentional sabotage.
• Relying on powerful allies can lead to a dependency that stifles personal growth and the development of independent leadership skills.
• Confidence in others might not be undermined if self-promotion is seen as a reflection of individual performance rather than a comparison to others.
• Focusing on workplace politics, even ethically, may divert attention from actual job performance and merit-based advancement.
• The label "cutthroat political tactician" may unfairly stigmatize ambitious individuals who are simply navigating the complexities of organizational politics more effectively than others.

Principles For Managing Challenging Interpersonal Dynamics At Work

This section explores the core principles Gallo proposes for managing challenging relationships. These underpin the tactics outlined for each archetype and are crucial to fostering resilience in interpersonal work relationships. Remember, effectively navigating challenging colleagues requires self-awareness, empathy, and an openness to experimentation.

Control Yourself, Not Others

Gallo emphasizes that you cannot force someone to alter their behavior; instead, focus on your own conduct and responses. Recognize that you can't always control the outcome, but you can manage your reaction and choose how you engage. By concentrating on things within your power, you restore your agency, even when confronted with challenging dynamics.

Context

• Respecting others' boundaries is crucial. Trying to change someone can be perceived as disrespectful, potentially damaging the relationship.
• Focusing on your responses includes setting healthy boundaries. This means clearly communicating your limits and expectations, which can prevent misunderstandings and reduce conflict.
• Actions can create feedback loops that amplify or diminish effects, leading to outcomes that are not straightforward or linear.
• Techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, or pausing before responding can help you stay present and thoughtful in your interactions.
• By concentrating on your own responses and actions, you can better regulate your emotions, leading to healthier interactions and relationships.
• Even in restrictive situations, identifying and exercising available choices can enhance one's sense of empowerment and control, reinforcing personal agency.

Recognize Your Perspective as Just One Valid View Among Others

Gallo reminds readers that it's rare for conflict situations to have a single objective truth. Every individual carries unique perspectives, shaped by their experiences, values, and personal leanings. Recognizing that your view is just one of many and that others can hold equally valid perspectives, even if you disagree, is crucial to moving forward.

Context

• Power imbalances can affect whose perspective is considered valid or dominant in a conflict, often marginalizing less powerful voices.
• Individual personality traits, such as openness, agreeableness, or neuroticism, can influence how people perceive and engage with the world around them.
• Engaging in perspective-taking exercises can help individuals see situations from others' viewpoints, enhancing empathy and reducing misunderstandings.
• Philosophical relativism suggests that truth can vary based on different frameworks or contexts, supporting the idea that multiple perspectives can be valid simultaneously.

Acknowledge Prejudices and Their Effects on Perception

Gallo stresses the importance of recognizing your personal biases, as they inevitably influence how you interpret interactions and see your colleagues. She urges readers to actively identify and challenge personal prejudices, with a focus on affinity and confirmation biases, which can cloud judgment and hinder progress in resolving conflicts.

Context

• This is the tendency to favor people who are similar to ourselves in some way, such as sharing similar backgrounds, interests, or experiences. It can lead to preferential treatment and exclusion of those who are different.
• Techniques such as seeking diverse perspectives, engaging in active listening, and reflecting on one's own decision-making processes can help mitigate the effects of these biases.

Avoid "Us Vs. Them"; Approach Conflicts Collaboratively

Adopting an "us versus them" mindset polarizes the situation, according to Gallo. Instead, envision the dynamic as a shared problem that requires joint work. Remember, even if you feel wronged, the situation is probably a two-way street. By concentrating on collaboration and problem-solving, you transform the relationship from antagonism to partnership.

Context

• It often reduces empathy towards the opposing side, making it harder to understand their perspective and find common ground.
• Focusing on the idea of a two-way street helps shift the focus from blaming one party to understanding how both can contribute to a solution.
• Different cultures may have varying approaches to conflict; understanding these can aid in creating a more inclusive and effective collaborative process.

Use Empathy to Understand a Coworker's Perspective

Although it may be challenging to feel empathy toward someone difficult, Gallo argues that it's crucial for comprehending their motivations and discovering solutions. Consider the stressors they encounter, their insecurities, and their goals. What could be motivating their actions? Empathy doesn't equal condoning their actions; rather, it can aid in deciphering their motives.

Context

• Recognizing that cultural backgrounds and personal experiences shape behavior can help in understanding why a coworker might act in a certain way, reducing misinterpretations.
• Previous work experiences, both positive and negative, can impact current attitudes and reactions to workplace situations.
• Practicing empathy enhances emotional intelligence, a key skill for managing interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.

Set and Assess Your Relationship Goals

Gallo emphasizes how crucial defining clear goals for the partnership is. What do you hope to achieve? What would a successful outcome look like? This clarity, she explains, keeps you focused and helps you make more strategic decisions in your exchanges.

Context

• Goals can be adjusted as the relationship evolves, allowing for flexibility and adaptation to new circumstances or changes in priorities.
• Defined goals provide a clear direction and purpose, ensuring that all parties involved understand the desired outcomes and can work collaboratively towards them.

Limit Exposure to Challenging Coworkers When Necessary

It may not always be practical—or even preferable—to become best friends with everyone at work. Gallo suggests finding ways to limit your exposure to challenging colleagues, particularly if your attempts to improve the dynamic haven't yielded positive results. Explore possibilities for reducing your interdependence, either by shifting project assignments or just altering the mode of communication.

Context

• In some cases, discussing role adjustments with a manager can help redistribute tasks to better align with personal strengths and reduce conflict.
• Forming close friendships with everyone can be emotionally taxing and may detract from the energy needed to perform job duties effectively.
• Learning to navigate difficult relationships can be a valuable skill. However, knowing when to step back is equally important for personal and professional growth.
• Some individuals may have deeply ingrained behaviors or attitudes that are resistant to change, making it difficult to alter the dynamic.
• If possible, working remotely or adopting a hybrid work model can naturally limit face-to-face interactions, providing a buffer and reducing potential friction.
• Reassigning projects can help distribute workloads more evenly across a team, preventing burnout and ensuring that no single employee is overwhelmed.
• Different communication modes can help clarify messages and reduce misunderstandings, which are common sources of conflict in the workplace.

Document Transgressions and Successes for Your Protection

Gallo recommends documenting any instances of problematic conduct, including specifics like time, place, and witnesses. This documentation, she explains, can be valuable should you have to escalate the situation to HR or senior leaders. Additionally, keep a record of your achievements to ensure they aren't diminished by the difficult coworker's actions or reputation.

Context

• Regular documentation ensures consistency in how issues are reported and addressed, which can be important for maintaining fairness and transparency in the workplace.
• Having a written record allows for a more objective assessment of the situation, reducing the influence of personal biases or emotions.
• This practice can also boost your confidence and morale, providing a tangible reminder of your capabilities and successes in challenging work environments.

Escalate Issues To Higher-Ups When Necessary, Considering Risks

Escalating the conflict to someone with authority can be a viable option if other strategies fail. However, Gallo urges caution, as doing so carries risks. Consider the potential consequences, such as damaging your relationship with the colleague or being perceived as a whiner. Choose whom you escalate to carefully, ensuring they are supportive, discreet, and have the power to effectively address the situation.

Context

• Using emotional intelligence to gauge the situation and the involved parties' perspectives can help in deciding whether escalation is appropriate.
• There is a risk of retaliation from the colleague involved, which could manifest in subtle ways, such as exclusion from projects or negative feedback.
• Escalating issues can create tension within a team, as it might lead to sides being taken or increased scrutiny from management, which can disrupt team harmony and productivity.
• Ensure that the person you escalate to is known for maintaining confidentiality to prevent further complications or gossip within the workplace.
• They should possess skills in mediation and conflict resolution, allowing them to facilitate discussions and negotiate solutions effectively.

Culture, Power, and Psychology in Professional Relationships

This final section pulls back the curtain on the broader organizational phenomena and psychological mechanisms that often contribute to and perpetuate difficult relationship dynamics. Gallo asserts that understanding these underlying forces will aid in navigating challenging actions and developing more targeted and effective responses.

Cultures Enabling Difficult Colleagues Through Tolerated Toxic Behaviors

Gallo explains that toxic behaviors don't exist in a vacuum; they flourish in organizational cultures where such conduct is tolerated or sometimes rewarded. She argues that leaders set the tone, and if they fail to address incivility or discrimination, this behavior will be accepted as the norm, often spreading through the organization. Gallo highlights the example of an insurance firm where, despite replacing most of its staff with more collaborative leaders, the culture remained authoritarian, suggesting that systemic changes are necessary to truly address toxicity.

Other Perspectives

• Toxic behaviors might be a result of historical practices that have become entrenched over time, and while not actively rewarded, they may be difficult to change without a comprehensive understanding of the organization's history.
• In some cases, middle management or informal leaders may have a more direct impact on the day-to-day culture experienced by most employees than top leaders.
• In some cases, incivility or discrimination may not become the norm even when not addressed, if there are strong informal social norms among employees that counteract these behaviors.
• Systemic changes without a corresponding shift in organizational culture and mindset may not be sustainable in the long term.

Uncertain Leaders May Use Abuse to Consolidate Power

Insecure managers, as discussed earlier, are often preoccupied with their own perceived inadequacies. The author points out that when leaders feel incompetent, they may resort to aggressive behavior to safeguard their ego and maintain their position. This might manifest as bullying behavior, undermining their team's efforts, or claiming unearned credit to appear more capable.

Practical Tips

• Reflect on your reactions to stress by keeping a daily journal. Write down instances when you felt threatened or insecure at work and how you responded. This self-awareness exercise can help you identify patterns in your behavior that may be aggressive or defensive. For example, if you notice that you often raise your voice during meetings when your ideas are challenged, you can then work on maintaining a calm tone in future discussions.
• Develop a self-assessment checklist based on leadership competencies such as communication, problem-solving, and emotional intelligence. Regularly rate yourself on these competencies, and set specific goals for improvement. For instance, if you find that your team often seems demotivated, you might work on enhancing your motivational speaking skills or recognizing team members' achievements more frequently.
• Start a peer recognition program in your workplace or social group. Encourage colleagues or friends to nominate each other for specific contributions and achievements. This creates a culture of transparency and appreciation, making it harder for anyone to claim unearned credit. For instance, at the end of each week, have team members submit nominations for a 'Star Contributor' based on clear examples of individual contributions.

Cognitive Biases Like Overconfidence and Attribution Error Shape Our Perceptions and Responses

Gallo delves into how cognitive biases, such as overconfidence and fundamental attribution error, shape the way we perceive and react to challenging situations. Overconfidence often leads to arrogance and a know-it-all attitude, while the attribution error drives us to blame personality flaws for a colleague's actions rather than situational factors. Recognizing these tendencies aids you in seeing things clearly and assessing a conflict more objectively.

Other Perspectives

• In some cases, what appears to be overconfidence may actually be a well-calibrated confidence based on accurate self-assessment and past successes.
• A know-it-all attitude might sometimes be a misinterpretation of someone's enthusiasm to share knowledge or contribute to a discussion.
• In some cases, repeated patterns of behavior by a colleague might legitimately suggest personality flaws rather than situational factors.
• Overemphasis on cognitive biases might lead to an underestimation of the role of rational analysis and evidence in conflict assessment.

Fear, Control Desires, and Identity Threats Affect Problematic Conduct

Gallo explores what drives difficult behavior, highlighting the influence of fear, wanting control, and threats to one's identity within society. The desire to be in control often fuels micromanaging, while worries about failing or being rejected might drive passive aggression. Social identity threat can lead people to distance themselves from colleagues who share their identity, particularly when they belong to a marginalized community. Understanding these underlying motives can foster empathy and help you adjust your response accordingly.

Practical Tips

• Create a personal identity map by listing out your values, beliefs, and the aspects of your identity that are most important to you. When you encounter a situation that makes you defensive or aggressive, refer to your map to see if any of these elements feel threatened. Recognizing this can help you respond more constructively instead of reacting out of fear or defensiveness.
• Start a feedback loop with your team where they can express how management styles affect their work. Encourage honesty by making it anonymous if necessary. Use the insights to adjust your approach, aiming for a balance between guidance and autonomy.
• Practice assertive communication techniques in low-stakes situations. Start with scenarios where the risk of failure or rejection is minimal, like asking a waiter for a different table at a restaurant. This can build your confidence in expressing your needs and reduce the likelihood of resorting to passive aggression in more critical situations.
• Develop a habit of engaging in one-on-one conversations with colleagues from your identity group to build deeper connections. Use these discussions to share experiences and support each other in overcoming social identity threats. This can help counteract the instinct to distance oneself and instead create a strong, supportive network within your workplace.
• Develop a habit of asking "Why might they feel this way?" in everyday situations, especially when you encounter someone who is upset or angry. This question prompts you to consider the person's perspective and can lead to a more empathetic response.

Remote Work Can Intensify Politics and Hinder Relationship-Building

Gallo acknowledges that the increasing prevalence of working remotely can exacerbate difficult interpersonal dynamics. With fewer opportunities for spontaneous interactions and face-to-face communication, she explains, it can be harder to build rapport and trust with coworkers. Additionally, the author notes that remote employment can intensify office politics, as individuals might experience heightened stress to secure visibility and approval from afar.

Context

• Working across different time zones can complicate scheduling and reduce opportunities for real-time interaction, making collaboration more challenging.
• Shared experiences, such as team lunches or after-work gatherings, foster social bonds and camaraderie among coworkers. These opportunities are limited in remote settings, affecting relationship-building.
• In a remote setting, employees may struggle to showcase their contributions and achievements, leading to increased efforts to stand out, which can fuel competitive behaviors.