PDF Summary:Fierce Conversations, by Susan Scott

In Fierce Conversations, Susan Scott argues that to achieve happiness and success in life, you must constantly have courageous conversations—honest and sometimes uncomfortable discussions about your thoughts, feelings, desires, and issues. These aspects are constantly changing, and if left unaddressed, Scott warns that you may grow out of touch with reality and become misaligned with your goals. Further, failing to have courageous conversations risks perpetuating issues and damaging relationships. Scott provides a model for courageous conversations that will effectively solve critical issues, enable learning, and improve relationships so you can achieve happiness and success in all aspects of your life.

This guide re-organizes Scott’s discussion into a step-by-step outline for having courageous conversations. First, we’ll explain how to uncover the most critical thoughts, feelings, issues, and desires that must be addressed. Next, we’ll discuss how to structure a courageous conversation. Finally, we’ll provide a few techniques to ensure effective dialogue. Our commentary will supplement Scott’s advice with recommendations from other communication guides such as Crucial Accountability and Difficult Conversations.

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For example, maybe your friend’s mental health decline is a result of her having to move back in with her quarreling parents where she’s unable to have the peace necessary to focus on herself. This would be an ability issue caused by others and her external environment. With this knowledge, you may determine that the best action you can take is to suggest that she move in with you for a while, or that you take a weekend trip to give her time away from that environment.

Step #4: In Large Meetings, Reconsider Who to Involve

Scott emphasizes that for topics that have a wide scope and require larger meetings, you should reconsider who to involve in the discussion. Once you’ve completed your topic preparation, you might realize you need additional information and perspectives that the current group can't provide. For example, after identifying that your ideal outcome is to change your company culture, you might realize you need a professional consultant in the conversation who can help you identify what you need to change and how you can do it.

(Shortform note: While many experts agree that it’s crucial to have the right people in your meetings to gain a full understanding of an issue, they suggest that it might also help to reconsider who shouldn’t be invited. People who tend to dominate conversations, are highly negative, put their perspective above others’, and get easily distracted are likely to disrupt the productivity and effectiveness of your discussion. It’s best to remove anyone who meets any of these descriptions from your attendance list.)

Guideline #2: Structure The Discussion

Once you’ve uncovered your truths and determined who you need to discuss them with, Scott explains that you must choose an effective conversational model to structure the discussion. Following a conversational model is crucial because it allows you to respectfully introduce the topic, learn about the issue from all perspectives, and build mutual understanding so you can uncover effective and sustainable solutions. Scott presents two methods for doing so: one for intimate discussions with one or a few people and one for larger meetings (such as in corporate settings).

(Shortform note: Many people resist structuring conversations because they believe adding structure is unnecessary, feels unnatural, and limits what they’re able to talk about. However, in addition to the benefits Scott discusses, experts note that structuring conversations is beneficial because it clearly shows your intention for the discussion, tells you and the other person what to expect next, and provides a goal.)

Model #1: Conversing In Small Groups

Scott’s first model is intended to be used for intimate conversations with one or a few people and can be used in personal or corporate situations. Its purpose is to find the root of an issue and surface effective and sustainable solutions by uncovering other peoples’ truths—the thoughts, feelings, and perspectives that are important to the topic but that participants may be hesitant to acknowledge and discuss. To structure your discussion according to this model, take the following steps:

Step #1: Succinctly Explain the Issue

Your opening statement must be succinct while providing the necessary details for the other person to fully understand the issue. You should express your desire to discuss the topic, provide an example to illustrate the issue, explain how it’s impacting you emotionally and why the issue is important, acknowledge any role you’ve played in the issue, and express your desire to solve it. Reference steps #1 and #2 of your topic preparation from Guideline #1.2 to craft your statement (define the issue and its importance and identify what you want to happen).

For example, “I’d like to talk about your mental health. You seem very emotional lately—for example, when you yelled at me yesterday for forgetting to buy milk. That startled me and made me feel guilty, and I think this issue has the potential to create distance between us and damage our relationship if it continues. I acknowledge that I might be playing a role in this issue by not being as thoughtful lately, and I want to try and come to a solution so we can make sure you're feeling mentally healthy and happy.”

Craft Your Opening Statement

In Crucial Accountability, the authors also stress that your opening statement must be succinct and respectful to avoid overwhelming the other person with information, which can make them feel threatened. However, the authors’ recommendation for doing so differs slightly from Scott’s. They recommend starting by explaining what your expectations were and what occurred that broke them (causing the issue) while focusing on facts rather than emotions. Then, they recommend explaining how the situation impacted you. For example, “I value having calm conversations about things that make us upset, but yesterday you yelled at me for forgetting to buy milk. I could be wrong, but this makes me think you may be struggling with your mental health.”

Step #2: Ask for the Other Person’s Perspective

Once you’ve explained the issue you want to discuss, invite others into the conversation by asking them to share their perspective on the issue—what the issue is, how it’s impacting them, and what they think might be at stake. You can start with a question like, “Can you tell me more about your perspective on this topic and what might be going on with your mental health right now?” If they provide vague responses, you can directly ask them the questions you answered in Guideline #1.2, Step #1 to define the issue and its importance.

(Shortform note: Exploring others’ perspectives may be difficult if their responses implicate you—receiving criticism may elicit defensiveness and cause you to shut down or lash out. Experts make a few recommendations to disarm your defensiveness so you can fully listen to the other person’s perspective in these situations. For example, know the types of situations that will trigger you (such as feeling unfairly accused) so you can control your defensiveness before it impacts your behavior. Further, always try to assume good intentions—for example, instead of feeling that others are accusing you of something, assume you misunderstood them, or that they didn’t express themselves effectively.)

Then, clarify their perspective by asking for further details on their thoughts and feelings regarding Steps #2 and #3 of Guideline #1.2—why do they think the issue is happening, what role do they play in the issue, what’s their ideal outcome, and what actions do they think will be most effective in achieving that outcome? Ask them to elaborate on any thoughts, statements, or feelings that you don’t understand. Scott emphasizes that you should only ask questions and clarify their responses during this time—don’t interject with your own statements.

(Shortform note: The authors of Difficult Conversations provide a few additional tips to keep in mind when clarifying someone’s perspective to ensure that the questions you’re asking are truly effective. For example, don’t ask questions in an attempt to prove the other person wrong. Further, give the other person the opportunity not to answer if it makes them uncomfortable—these questions should be invitations, not demands.)

Step #3: Resolve the Issue

Discuss what each party has learned about each other’s truths during the discussion and consider whether there’s anything left that needs to be discussed or clarified to find a solution. Then, identify what needs to be done to resolve the issue and how to hold each person accountable. For example, maybe your friend needs to talk about her mental health, so she’ll schedule appointments with a therapist once a week to take accountability.

(Shortform note: Other communication experts provide further advice to ensure your solutions are effective. The authors of Difficult Conversations agree that you must clarify each perspective to ensure you have the full picture, but they also recommend sharing what would persuade you to accept a solution, asking what the other person would do in your place, and looking for external standards, like laws or company rules, to identify an objectively fair solution. The authors of Crucial Accountability add that after creating an accountability plan, you should schedule follow-up meetings to ensure that the solution is working and people are upholding their agreements.)

Model #2: Conversing In Large Groups

Scott's second model, designed for group meetings in corporate settings, intends to uncover all important details and perspectives of complex issues. This is important because organizations are multifaceted—individuals will have different perspectives on issues based on their location, role, level of authority, and so on. If each of these perspectives isn’t exposed, important details may be overlooked, which could result in poor solutions.

(Shortform note: Experts reiterate that organizations are multifaceted, so it’s crucial to get input from all different perspectives. However, while Scott focuses on the importance of organizational diversity (based on an employee’s role, tenure, location, and so on), experts note that creating a full picture requires including socially and psychologically diverse perspectives as well. Social diversity is based on ethnicity, gender, and age, while psychological diversity is based on personality, learning style, and motivations.)

To structure your discussion according to this model, Scott provides the following guidelines:

Step #1: Invite Your Participants

Invite the people you identified in Guideline #1. In your invitation, brief these people on the topic to save time during the meeting—define the issue and its importance (Guideline #1.2, Step #1), and explain what their role is in the meeting (which you identified in Guideline #1.2, Step #3). You can also include any background information from Guideline #1.2, Step #3 that they should know before the meeting.

(Shortform note: Business experts recommend a specific format for meeting invitations that keeps things succinct while providing the crucial information. In your invite, include three headings: Meeting Purpose, Goal, and Background. For example, “Meeting Purpose: to discuss the decrease in employee satisfaction. Goal: to brainstorm effective solutions. Background: the issue began in October after we cut back employee amenities.” While this format doesn’t specifically state the issue’s importance and the attendees’ role, employees can likely glean this information from the meeting purpose and goal.)

Step #2: Open the Meeting

First, remove all distractions—no electronics, multitasking, or note-taking. Then, verbally review your topic preparation from Guideline #1.2, and pass out paper copies to attendees once you’re done.

(Shortform note: Some experts note that on top of removing physical distractions, you should also perform a “check-in” to remove mental distractions before starting the meeting (reviewing the topic preparation). During the check-in, each participant should share their current mental state so they can offload any problems or stress they came to the meeting with. This will improve self-awareness and presence, increasing attendees’ ability to focus on and process your topic preparation. This will better equip them to contribute solutions, information, and so on) later on.)

Step #3: Open the Floor

Invite people to ask clarifying questions. Then, request that they perform the role you requested in the invitation—providing information, feedback, advice, and so on. Ensure everyone in the meeting speaks, and directly request input from those who don't speak up.

(Shortform note: Other experts reiterate the importance of hearing from everyone in the workplace, but they explain that calling out quieter folks can be tricky. This is because introverts may need more time to process information and are therefore unable to respond immediately. As such, calling them out in meetings might simply overwhelm them, especially if they don’t yet have a response. Instead, collect their responses in writing (possibly using the method discussed in the next step) or speak to them individually after the meeting.)

Step #4: Close the Meeting

Have everyone write down how they’d handle the situation if they were you and share their answer aloud. Afterward, summarize the feedback you received, and ask if you forgot anything. Thank everyone for participating.

(Shortform note: While Scott recommends ensuring you’ve heard everyone’s perspective by having employees share their feedback aloud, other experts explain that allowing employees to remain anonymous also has its benefits. This is because forcing people to share their feedback might intimidate them into conforming or censoring themselves. By receiving feedback anonymously (collecting the written feedback without requiring that people read their responses aloud) you’re more likely to receive honest, constructive, and diverse feedback.)

Guideline #3: Conduct Yourself Properly During the Discussion

Scott explains that your behavior, body language, tone, and communication style are critical to courageous conversations. Regardless of how you structure the conversation, these smaller details largely influence how the other person will respond and whether they’ll be comfortable enough to share their truth with you. Scott discusses three principles to follow that will establish mutual trust and understanding with the other person(s) so you can have an effective courageous conversation.

(Shortform note: Leil Lowndes reiterates the importance of nonverbal communication in How to Talk to Anyone, adding that nonverbal cues contribute to more than 80% of people’s first impression of you and largely influence how they react to you (including whether they’ll feel comfortable enough to engage and share their truth).)

Principle #1: Give the Other Person Your Full Attention

First, Scott explains that you must give the other person(s) your complete, undivided attention. If the other party senses that you’re distracted or don’t care about what they’re saying, they’ll be reluctant to share their truth. To start things off right, get rid of distractions like technology, and make eye contact to show them you're listening.

Further, focus on both the content of their statements as well as smaller details like their tone and body language. The things people say—the thoughts, feelings, details, and examples they discuss—show what’s important to them. Their tone and body language, and any changes in these elements that occur during the conversation, can indicate unspoken desires, fears, and emotions.

Use Empathic Listening to Make the Other Person Feel Understood

In 4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication, Bento C. Leal reiterates the importance of giving the other person your full attention—he calls this “empathic listening.” He elaborates that empathic listening comprises three practices. First, clear your mind of all thoughts aside from what the other person is saying (which Scott recommends in the following paragraph).

Second, Leal reiterates to focus on their words and body language; however, he says to specifically focus on their word choice. For example, using the word “hate” instead of “dislike” indicates that the other person’s conveying a more intense feeling.

Finally, Leal recommends showing the other person you’re listening—not only by making eye contact, as Scott discusses, but also by summarizing the person’s statement and repeating it back to them and mimicking their tone and body language.

To pick up on these details, Scott says you must achieve a state of inner peace. In this state, you’re focused on the other person rather than on your own thoughts or feelings. You're curious to learn what the other person thinks and feels, and why, rather than judging them or formulating your own responses.

(Shortform note: It can be difficult to achieve a state of inner peace where your thoughts are quiet and you’re focused solely on the other person, especially for people with disorders like ADHD. People with ADHD often experience disruptive thoughts and struggle to focus on one thing at a time. Experts provide a few additional recommendations that may increase your ability to clear your mind and focus on listening if you experience disruptive thoughts. For example, visualize what the other person is saying by creating a movie in your mind out of their words. This will also help you stay engaged.)

Principle #2: Control Your Impact

To ensure you leave a positive impact, Scott says you must be genuine and compassionate. This requires you to say what you mean and avoid unclear, negative, or manipulative forms of communication. For example, regularly remind important people how much they mean to you, and avoid forms of communication like blaming, sarcasm, exaggerations, threats, and so on. This way, people will know exactly how you feel toward them without having to guess or interpret mixed messages.

(Shortform note: In Nonviolent Communication, Marshall B. Rosenberg emphasizes that the way we communicate with people impacts them and the relationship, whether it's our intention or not. He argues, like Scott, that to leave a positive impact you must communicate authentically and compassionately, and avoid certain forms of communication—what he calls “life-alienating communication.” These negative forms of communication include moralistic judgments (blame, criticism, and diagnoses), comparisons, denial of responsibility, making demands (which implies a threat of punishment), and inauthentically expressing compliments.)

Further, always have important conversations in person, not by text or phone call. Text and phone conversations lack important nonverbals that indicate to the other person what you really feel and mean. This makes people more likely to misinterpret what you’re saying and how you feel.

(Shortform note: The authors of Difficult Conversations agree that text and phone conversations are not ideal because they deprive you of crucial nonverbals. However, they add that these conversations aren’t always avoidable–especially if the other person initiates or insists on talking via phone. The authors provide a few tips that can help if you find yourself having a difficult conversation over the phone. For example, while reading messages, assume good intentions since you can’t read their nonverbals, and stop reading if you start to get emotional. In your responses, be as explicit as possible about your intentions, reasoning, and emotional state, and let them know if it’s going to take you a while to type a response.)

Principle #3: Utilize the Power of Silence

Scott urges you to embrace silence to enhance understanding. Integrating breaks of silence into the conversation allows time for you to fully process what the other person is saying, reflect on what truths are being revealed, identify the most important thing to discuss next, and ensure that everyone is given the opportunity to speak so that the conversation isn’t monopolized by one group or person.

(Shortform note: Other writers underscore the benefits of silence that Scott discusses, and add a few additional benefits that may prove useful in courageous conversations. They explain that silence can also be utilized to make people notice you in conversation, to display self-confidence, and to prevent you from saying things you might later regret.)

To integrate silence into conversations, give your full attention to the speaker while they’re speaking (Principle #1) and take your time to form your response after they’re finished. When someone shares something important and you feel like you need a longer pause to process things, inform the other person that you need a moment to reflect before responding.

(Shortform note: While Scott provides actionable advice for integrating silence into conversations, many people may still struggle to feel comfortable with silence, especially those who experience social anxiety. Experts provide a few tips to help you feel more comfortable with the concept of silence so you can integrate it into conversations. For example, remember that deep conversations tend to have more silence than small talk, so silence should be expected and welcomed. Further, rather than dreading silence, focus on the fact that it will make the conversation more interesting—both people will have time to come up with something meaningful to say.)