PDF Summary:Eight Dates, by John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, et al.

Romantic comedies always seem to end when the relationship begins, but what happens after?

While there's no guarantee of happily ever after, the authors of Eight Dates argue that there's a secret to a healthy, long-lasting relationship—make time for your partner and stay curious. Eight Dates is a resource for building a stronger relationship with your partner by committing to learning about who they are and who they're becoming, starting with eight powerful dates.

The book is a collaborative effort by two married couples: John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, who founded a research institute focused on building strong relationships and preventing divorce, and authors Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams.

In this guide, we’ll explain why weekly dates are important for sustaining a strong relationship and provide a roadmap for eight dates you can go on with your partner. We’ll supplement the authors’ recommendations with advice from other relationship experts, including Amir Levine and Rachel Heller (Attached), Esther Perel (Mating in Captivity), and Gary Chapman (The 5 Love Languages).

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The authors differentiate between two types of problems that cause tension in a relationship. The first type of problem are those that can be resolved. These are often surface-level problems about what to eat for dinner or who should walk the dog. They’re only about the topic at hand and don’t hide any bigger underlying issues. The second type of problem are ones that will never be resolved (what the authors call “perpetual problems”). These problems are rooted in core differences between you and your partner based on your values or life experiences. Research has shown that most conflicts fall into this second category.

(Shortform note: Both types of problems are worth addressing. Failing to deal with conflict will cause resentment to build up over time. According to some psychologists, harboring resentment, also called gunnysacking, is one of the main relationship killers. If you don’t address the issues in your “gunny sack,” your resentment can explode into an emotional outburst that causes lasting damage to your relationship.)

Regardless of the type of disagreement you’re having, the key to a healthy relationship isn't avoiding conflicts but resolving them effectively, meaning you approach each disagreement as an opportunity to increase your understanding of the other person—not as an opportunity to win.

How to Diffuse Conflict

Levine and Heller (Attached) outline four communication strategies you can use to handle everyday conflicts and disagreements in a way that will bring you closer.

Show genuine concern for the other person’s feelings. Remember that a disagreement between partners isn't a zero-sum game where one person wins and the other loses. Your happiness and your partner’s happiness are tied up together, so when both partners feel validated, both partners win.

Keep the argument centered on the present issue. Don’t get sidetracked or expand the argument to include other issues. Avoid a full-blown venting session, and just address one conflict at a time.

Be willing to take part in the discussion. Don’t disengage or withdraw. Both partners need to be willing to address the issue head-on so that it can be resolved in a mutually satisfactory way, even if it means some arguing along the way.

Openly communicate your needs and feelings. No matter how long you’ve been with your partner, you can’t expect them to be a mind reader. Tell them what you need and want clearly and directly.

Use the following questions to help guide your conversation:

• What did you learn about conflict or managing conflict growing up? How have you navigated conflict in the past?
• What are your beliefs about anger? What do you need when you're feeling angry?
• How would you like to manage conflict differently in the future?

How Your Relationship to Conflict Forms

To successfully discuss conflict with your partner, it’s helpful to have an understanding of your own relationship to conflict.

A number of studies have found that the ways in which a child’s family of origin responds to conflict can influence how the developing child will behave toward conflict. For example, if a child witnesses their parents expressing hostile remarks to one another or if one parent continually avoids any discussion regarding disagreements, the child may engage in similar conflict strategies in their relationships as they age.

People’s relationship to conflict may also vary depending on their cultural background. In The Culture Map, Erin Meyer identifies two types of orientations to conflict: open disagreement and disagreement-avoidant. She argues that people raised in (typically Western) open disagreement cultures are more likely to view disagreement as productive and positive and be willing to disagree openly, but people raised in (typically Eastern) disagreement-avoidant cultures are more likely to believe that openly disagreeing with someone might harm the relationship.)

Date Three: Sex

The authors argue that a healthy sex life is important to the long-term health of your relationship. However, they emphasize that there isn't one definition of a healthy sex life. It will look different for every couple, and it will look different at different points in your life. For example, you might have more sex when you first start dating or less sex if one partner is sick. In the end, a healthy sex life is whatever feels good for both you and your significant other. The goal of this date is to learn more about what turns your partner on and to discuss how to keep your relationship passionate.

(Shortform note: Sex isn't necessarily a part of every long-term healthy relationship. A 2022 study found that many people who self-identify as asexual are happily coupled in thriving relationships. However, there is limited research on the subject and researchers emphasized the need for further exploration of diverse relationship models.)

The authors explain that a healthy sex life depends on honest conversation. Sex and intimacy are particularly sensitive topics for most people, which is why a lot of couples don’t talk regularly about their sex life or sexual desires. However, research suggests that couples that talk regularly about sex have better sex more often.

(Shortform note: Communication about sex is especially important for women. A study of heterosexual couples found that more communication about sex led to a greater frequency of orgasms for female partners and increased sexual satisfaction for both partners.)

The authors offer a few tips for talking about sex with your partner. First, make sure you’re not doing it right before, during, or after sex. Since it’s a delicate topic, bringing it up in the moment is a recipe for disaster. Second, don’t underestimate the power of humor. Sex doesn’t have to be serious, so don’t be afraid to bring some lightness to the conversation.

(Shortform note: It can be helpful to think about your sexual desires before jumping into a conversation with your partner. But everyone has a different relationship to their own sexuality, and you might not know what you like or want when it comes to sex. To start reflecting on your sexual preferences, think about what you fantasize about when you masturbate or if there's anything you’re curious about that isn’t a part of your current sexual routine. You can also explore online quizzes that analyze anything from your sexual personality to your undiscovered kinks.)

Use the following questions to help guide your conversation:

• What do you like?
• When and how do you like to initiate sex?
• What can I do to improve our sex life?

(Shortform note: If you have a history of sexual trauma, this date can be an opportunity to share this with your partner if you haven’t already. However, therapists and psychologists emphasize there's no timeline or obligation for when and how you discuss sexual trauma with people in your life. They recommend seeking advice from mental health professionals before discussing your history of sexual trauma with your significant other.)

Date Four: Finances

Money is another frequent source of conflict in any relationship. The authors explain that having explicit conversations about your individual and collective finances will help you get to know your partner better and more effectively anticipate and navigate areas of conflict related to money. The goal of this date is to better understand your and your partner’s relationship to money and discuss how to build a healthy financial future together.

(Shortform note: One expert explains that conflict about money often stems from financial imbalance, or differences in earning and/or spending, in a couple. Financial imbalance isn't inherently bad but can lead to a variety of conflicts, including feelings of guilt or resentment. Other issues that may arise include feelings of inadequacy if one partner is the primary earner or there's a significant income difference between partners, an imbalance of power if one partner makes all the important financial decisions, or financial infidelity if one partner misleads the other about their finances, causing problems by undermining trust.)

Our relationship to money is complex, often rooted in our upbringing and deeply held values. Therefore, conflicts around money are rarely about specific spending or saving habits—they’re more often about the emotional significance we attribute to those behaviors. The goal of this date is to dig into each partner’s relationship to money.

(Shortform note: We begin to form a relationship with money at a young age. A University of Michigan study found that children as young as five had clear emotional responses to spending and saving money that impacted real-life spending behaviors. However, researchers found that children’s attitudes toward money weren't necessarily reflective of their parents’.)

When beginning a conversation about your finances, start by asking questions to better understand what money means to you and your partner. For example, money might mean stability and safety for one person, but it might mean freedom and spontaneity for another. Avoid making sweeping generalizations about your or your partner’s relationship to money. It’s unhelpful to categorize one person as the cheapskate and another as the spendthrift. The key is to find the balance between the joyful opportunities and the solid foundation money can provide.

(Shortform note: One financial psychologist describes our attitudes toward money as “money scripts''—unconscious beliefs about money developed in childhood that drive adult financial decision-making. Three categories of money scripts can be particularly damaging—money avoidance, money status, and money worship. These belief patterns can predict poor financial choices and are linked to lower net worth, reduced income, and higher debt. The good news is that money scripts can be interrupted and changed. If you recognize that you have an unhealthy relationship to money, speak to a financial planner to identify and transform your money scripts.)

Use the following questions to help guide your conversation:

• What did you learn about money growing up?
• What makes you anxious when it comes to money?
• What do you hope for your (and our) financial future?

(Shortform note: You can take this conversation a step further by creating a family budget that aligns with your mutually agreed-upon vision for your financial future. Many financial blogs offer step-by-step advice on how to create a budget as a couple, including easy-to-use templates to get you started.)

Date Five: Family

The authors argue that different visions and definitions of family can be a dealbreaker in a relationship. The goal of this date is to understand what family looks like for you and your partner. Every person defines family differently, so it’s important to make sure you and your partner are on the same page before entering into a long-term commitment. Specifically, if you don't have children, talk about whether you want to be parents.

(Shortform note: This date focuses on couples who haven't yet made the decision to have kids. If you already have children, you can use this date to talk about how you co-parent—what’s working and what isn’t. Consider discussing your different parenting styles or any house rules and routines that need to be changed or updated, or just take time to discuss how your family is doing and any challenges you're facing right now as a parent.)

Use the following prompt to guide your conversation:

• Describe your dream family.

If you're planning on having children, ask yourself:

• What challenges can we anticipate when we bring kids into our family?
• How do you imagine me as a parent? Where do you think I’ll thrive as a parent?
• What qualities of ours do we hope to instill in our children?

If you aren't planning on having kids, ask yourself:

• What does being a family mean for you?
• Who's your community? How do you want to strengthen the relationships with those in your community?

(Shortform note: As you discuss the decision to have children, it’s important to acknowledge that women face more societal pressure than men to have children. Even though many women choose not to have children, motherhood is still strongly associated with adult femininity. A study of nearly 1,200 American women found that child-free women who choose to remain childless feel more social pressure to become mothers than other women. However, they tend to feel less distress about not having kids than women who are childless due to infertility or other reasons.)

Whether or not children are in your definition of family, the authors argue that the most important relationship should always be with your partner because the couple is the foundation of a family, and the other people in your life will be best served if you prioritize that relationship.

Is Your Romantic Partnership Really Your Most Important Relationship?

Throughout the book, the authors emphasize the importance of a monogamous romantic relationship. However, some people argue that placing so much emphasis on romantic relationships actually minimizes people’s social support networks.

For example, in an article published in The Atlantic, Mandy Len Catron makes the case that marriage actually weakens social ties and leads to increased isolation. Single people, she argues, are far more connected to the world around them. The American ideology of marriage assumes that the work of caring for someone falls primarily to one person, but without the preeminence of marriage, care and support could be redistributed across networks of extended family, neighbors, and friends. Catron advocates for expanding our sense of what love looks like beyond the insular institution of marriage to benefit from a diverse network of close and loving relationships.

Date Six: Play

The next date is about playfulness. The authors believe that having fun is key to a happy, thriving relationship. The goal of this date is to find out what you like to do for fun and what your partner likes to do for fun and to explore how you can have fun together.

What Does Fun Look Like?

The Power of Fun author Catherine Price argues that “true fun” occurs when playfulness, connection, and flow coincide.

She defines playfulness as the state of doing something for its own sake without seeking any specific outcome or reward; connection as the feeling of sharing a unique experience with another person or entity, leading to a sense of closeness; and flow as the mental state of being fully engaged in a present-moment task, where one becomes so absorbed that time seems to pass quickly and is forgotten.

She explains that while the experience of any one of these factors is bound to elicit a range of positive emotions, only the combined experience of all three will give you the feeling of lightness, freedom, and energy that characterizes “true fun.”

Humans are built to play. Play not only improves the mental health of individuals, but it strengthens relationships, building trust and closeness between you and your partner. However, it’s still common for people to sacrifice fun when they’re faced with other responsibilities.

(Shortform note: Not only are humans built to play, but it’s crucial to the way we learn. Play helps children develop cognitive skills such as memory recall, problem-solving, decision-making, information processing, and language development. And while we often discuss the importance of play for children, play is equally important for adults. Engaging in playful activities has been shown to reduce stress, boost creativity, and enhance social connections. In fact, some studies have found that adults who engage in play have higher job satisfaction and are more productive.)

Use the following questions to guide your conversation:

• What's the most fun you've ever had? Share a personal experience and an experience you’ve shared with your partner.
• What’s on your bucket list?
• What can we do to make our relationship more fun?

How to Find Your Fun

According to Price (The Power of Fun), the social pressure to be productive and successful, coupled with the constant stimulation of technology and social media, has led many people to prioritize work and productivity over leisure activities and fun.

If you (or your partner) are struggling to tap into what fun means to you, Price recommends trying the following exercises.

• Keep a "Fun Journal": This involves writing down activities that you enjoy doing and how they make you feel. Over time, patterns may emerge that can help you identify your True Fun.

• Reflect on your childhood: Think back to activities that you enjoyed as a child, and consider how you might incorporate those activities into your adult life.

• Pay attention to your emotions: Notice which activities make you feel energized, happy, and fulfilled. These are likely to be the activities that align with your True Fun.

• Try new things: Experiment with different activities and hobbies, even if they seem outside of your comfort zone. This can help you discover new interests and passions.

She argues that by engaging in these exercises and reflecting on your experiences, you may

be able to identify your True Fun and incorporate more of these activities into your life. She also offers a number of resources on her website.

Date Seven: Change

According to the authors, people change over time. In a relationship, it’s important to support your partner’s evolution, even if it’s different than you expected. Conflict will often arise as you or your partner changes, but individual change can strengthen and deepen a relationship when both partners take it as an opportunity to better understand the other person. The purpose of this date is to acknowledge how you and your partner have changed in your relationship and to discuss shared traditions that will keep you connected as you continue to change in the future.

(Shortform note: While there's widespread consensus that personality changes over time, research has shown some personality traits remain relatively stable throughout a person's life, while others change significantly. For example, some studies have found that people tend to become more emotionally stable as they age. Also, personality traits that are more specific and negative, such as anxiety or anger, are more likely to change over time than broader and more positive traits like extraversion or conscientiousness.)

Given that change is inevitable, it can be helpful to have shared traditions (or rituals of connection) that ground you and your partner in your relationship. Maybe that's drinking coffee together in bed every morning, keeping Sabbath on Saturdays, or planning a trip every year for your anniversary. Regardless of what your traditions are, establishing these kinds of touchpoints can keep you grounded and close through life’s ups and downs.

(Shortform note: Creating shared traditions not only provides stability in the midst of change but also creates a sense of belonging and closeness in your relationship. If you want to explore new traditions to introduce into your relationship, go through this list of 27 ideas, which includes forming a family book club and going on a weekly family walk.)

Use the following questions to guide your conversations:

• Describe ways in which you’ve grown that you’re most proud of.
• How do you prioritize your personal growth? How can I support you?
• What traditions are important for us to establish even as our relationship continues to grow and change?

(Shortform note: The authors’ conversation about change is focused on sharing your vision of personal growth, not providing suggestions for how you want your partner to change. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman explains that you can’t force change on another person. People are only able to change if they feel accepted and appreciated. Therefore, he recommends that instead of criticizing your partner, focus on what you appreciate about them, and try to understand their perspective. Work to embrace and celebrate each other's unique qualities instead of focusing on what you wish was different.)

Date Eight: Aspirations

According to the authors, couples grow together, but each person also has personal aspirations. Couples who are able to affirm and support each other’s long-term goals are more likely to have a long-lasting relationship. This date is about sharing your greatest aspirations with your partner and learning about their aspirations so that you can better support each other as you pursue your dreams.

(Shortform note: When you lose sight of your own goals and aspirations, you run the risk of becoming too deeply enmeshed with your partner, or codependent. In Codependent No More, Melody Beattie defines codependency as a pattern of behavior in a relationship in which one person becomes obsessed with another and loses sight of themselves. Interdependence, on the other hand, offers a healthy middle ground between total self-sufficiency and total dependency that will allow you to sustain a mutually beneficial relationship.)

Everyone has goals and aspirations that deserve to be pursued. Affirming the goals and aspirations of your partner is a deep expression of love, even when you know that these goals will inevitably require compromise.

(Shortform note: Words of Affirmation is one of the love languages outlined in Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages. For people whose primary love language is Words of Affirmation, supportive and complementary language makes them feel the most loved. Chapman explains that encouragement is one of the key dialects within this love language. By telling someone you believe in them, as the authors of Eight Dates suggest, you can make them feel more motivated and courageous, helping them meet their full potential.)

Use the following questions to guide your conversation:

• Do you have any aspirations you've let go of that you regret?
• Describe an aspiration that's important to you. Why is it important? What would it feel like if you fulfilled this goal?
• What do you need from me to pursue your greatest aspiration?

(Shortform note: As you consider your own aspirations, there are two types of aspirations you can discuss: intrinsic and extrinsic. Intrinsic aspirations are those that are inherently rewarding and personally fulfilling, such as pursuing personal growth, cultivating meaningful relationships, or contributing to society. Examples include learning a new language or volunteering regularly in your community. Extrinsic aspirations are those that are driven by external rewards, like getting a promotion or owning a house. Both are valid and worthy of pursuit, although extrinsic motivations have the potential to stem from social pressure.)

A Lifelong Journey

The authors emphasize that these eight dates are just the start of the long journey of getting to know your partner. It’s impossible to ever know everything about another person, and that's the wonderful thing about being in a long-term, committed relationship. There will always be more to learn, as long as you prioritize your partner and stay curious.

(Shortform note: To help you continue learning about your partner, The Gottman Institute offers a free relationship app called the Gottman Card Decks. The app includes open-ended questions, guided conversations, and other tools to help you continue to learn about your partner through any stage of a relationship.)