PDF Summary:Cues, by Vanessa Van Edwards

Do you feel like you go unnoticed or underappreciated in your personal or professional life? According to Vanessa Van Edwards in Cues, this could be because you lack charisma—the quality that makes others pay attention to you. Without charisma, you can’t communicate or connect with others efficiently, which can hold you back in life. The good news is that even if charisma doesn’t come naturally to you, you can learn to convey charisma by adopting charismatic cues.

In our guide, we’ll explore Van Edwards’s definition of charisma and explain how verbal and nonverbal cues reinforce or undermine your charisma. Then, we’ll discuss which cues you should adopt or avoid to project a charismatic image. In our commentary, we’ll explain why head tilts are cuter in dogs than in humans and why steepling your fingers can make you seem like a diabolical mastermind. We’ll also explore social and scientific perspectives on charisma and discuss how marginalized people, people with communication disorders, and actors can use cues to their professional advantage.

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Project your voice. Breathe in deeply, then speak loudly as you exhale (but not before you exhale, or you’ll run out of breath before you finish speaking). Van Edwards explains that this will help you avoid speaking too quietly or with vocal fry (a gravelly voice quality), two vocal cues that signal a lack of self-confidence.

Vary your volume to match the content of your speech. Van Edwards suggests that this approach signals that your emotions and ideas are aligned, creating higher confidence in your claims. Raise your volume to emphasize your passion. Lower your volume to create the sense that you’re including your listeners in something private and important. (Shortform note: Modifying your volume situationally can be difficult for some people. For example, some people with ADHD find voice modulation difficult and talk loudly when it’s not appropriate, and some people with anxiety speak too quietly. Speech therapy can help you learn to vary your volume appropriately.)

Pause instead of using filler words. It’s common to use filler words like “um” and “so” to buy time when you’re not sure what to say next and don’t want listeners to mistakenly think you’re done talking. However, Van Edwards says that filler words signal low confidence in the content of your speech, which encourages others to interrupt you. She recommends that you replace filler words with pauses, but only in the middle of a sentence, not at the end. Pausing mid-sentence creates a sense of anticipation that draws listeners in, while pausing at the end suggests that you’re done speaking.

Some Vocal Competence Cues May Rely on Sexist Stereotypes

To seem more competent, Van Edwards recommends that you drop your pitch, project your voice, and avoid using filler words. But what is it about these cues that make you seem more competent? Experts say there’s a link between each competence cue and sexist stereotypes that can disadvantage women and reinforce gender biases. Let’s explore those links now.

Classicist Mary Beard argues that women’s voices have been undervalued since antiquity. In ancient Greece and Rome, only men had the right to public speech, so men’s deeper voices came to be associated with strength, power, and authority while women’s higher voices were perceived as weak, untrustworthy, and overbearing. This persistent stereotype leads to criticism of contemporary women with higher-pitched voices, especially when they’re seeking power in business or politics.

Van Edwards’s advice to project your voice is similarly gendered. Many women are taught to be demure and speak quietly, which can undermine their persuasiveness and credibility in contexts where louder, more reverberant voices are more highly respected. And although men and women speak with vocal fry in roughly equal measures, women catch the most flack for it. The same is true of filler words: Although they serve a purpose and although men and women employ them equally, we devalue them because they’re associated with femininity, a quality that’s stereotypically associated with lower intelligence.

Although the stereotypes underlying these cues are unfair, that doesn’t necessarily mean you shouldn’t adopt any of the cues; at the end of this guide, we’ll discuss how proactively countering biases by adopting certain cues can help marginalized people get a leg up.

Charismatic Nonverbal Cues

Now that we’ve covered verbal cues, let’s explore the nonverbal cues Van Edwards describes. We’ll start with behavioral cues (body language, facial expressions, and other physical techniques) that project warmth, competence, and overall charisma (both warmth and competence). Then, we’ll discuss personal branding (visual cues that can evoke charismatic associations).

Behavioral Cues That Project Warmth

Smile often, slowly, and genuinely. Van Edwards explains that genuine smiling is one of the most effective ways to project warmth. They’re also contagious—when you smile at someone, they’re likely to smile back at you, which facilitates social bonding. Smiling slowly can signal true delight and inspire laughter, another contagious warmth cue that strengthens your connection with someone. However, you should only smile genuinely—Van Edwards warns that artificial smiles don’t help you seem warmer, since it can be easy for others to tell they’re disingenuous.

(Shortform note: Why does smiling signal warmth? Some experts theorize that although baring your teeth is threatening among most primates, human smiling evolved as a way to communicate that a person is non-threatening and friendly. Authentic smiles—which psychologists call Duchenne smiles, after the anatomist who first studied them in detail—also signal delight, so they may make others feel as though you genuinely enjoy their company. Duchenne smiles can also make you seem helpful and more physically attractive, which could reinforce your charisma.)

Nod to be supportive. Van Edwards explains that when you nod in response to someone’s speech, you support the speaker in two ways: First, your nod signals understanding and agreement. This is especially valuable when the speaker is sharing something vulnerable, like a difficult life experience, and needs validation to continue sharing. Second, if there are others around you, nodding can amplify the speaker’s credibility—by making it clear that you agree with the speaker, you increase the likelihood that others will, too. Both of these effects make you seem warmer and encourage the speaker to keep talking.

(Shortform note: Van Edwards’s research suggests that you can use nodding to combat testimonial injustice, a phenomenon that occurs when someone’s prejudices prevent them from seeing a speaker as a credible source. For example, some research suggests that it’s common for people to erroneously dismiss rape accusations as unbelievable (and this may be even more common when the accuser is Black). Suppose that in a group setting, someone shares that they’ve experienced sexual violence. If you nod as they tell their story, they’ll feel supported, and you may diminish the chance that they’ll become victims of testimonial injustice. In Unbound, “me too” founder Tarana Burke explains how this kind of support can help victims heal.)

Raise your eyebrows to signal engagement. In a conversation, raising your eyebrows signals a desire to know more about the conversation or your conversation partner. Van Edwards also says raising your eyebrows to someone you’re not talking with signals a desire to initiate conversation. But she warns against raising your eyebrows too often, as this can make you seem bewildered. (Shortform note: To clarify, Van Edwards is talking about raising both eyebrows here—researchers call this an eyebrow flash. When you only raise one eyebrow in what researchers call an eyebrow cock, you communicate doubt.)

Respectfully touch others. When you touch someone, both your bodies produce a hormone called oxytocin that strengthens social bonds. Van Edwards says touching will improve your connection with others in all sorts of relationships, from business to romance. However, she warns that who, how, and when to touch is culturally determined. In Western cultures, it’s usually appropriate to touch those you’re not close to on the hands and forearms, while touching the upper arms, back, and cheeks is reserved for friends and family. Van Edwards also says you shouldn’t pat someone’s head (it’s condescending) or touch anyone who seems uncomfortable.

(Shortform note: Respecting others’ physical boundaries is crucial if you want them to perceive you as warm. To make sure you’re being respectful, ask for others’ consent before you touch them—and understand that some requests for touch, like those that rely on stereotypes or reinforce power imbalances, are never appropriate. People who have marginalized identities are more likely to be subjected to disrespectful touching: For example, some disabled people report being patted on the head often, some Black women report that white people touch their hair without permission, and as much as 51% of women have experienced physical sexual harassment.)

Tilt your head in photos and in conversation. Van Edwards explains that tilting your head can indicate that you’re approachable—the gesture makes you physically vulnerable since it exposes your neck, which makes others perceive you as non-threatening. This is why many people naturally tilt their heads when posing for a photo. Tilting your head at someone you’re talking with can also indicate that you’re engaged, since it puts one ear closer to them (a sign that you’re listening carefully to what they’re saying). When you seem safe and engaged, you project a friendlier image. However, note that tilting your head can undermine your competence since it exposes your neck (a sign of submission), so use this cue sparingly.

(Shortform note: Research suggests that many species, including dogs, tilt their heads when they’re cognitively engaged in a task (like listening, processing, or remembering). When dogs tilt their heads, humans perceive them as cuter—but some research indicates that humans may not always seem cuter when they tilt their heads. One study on dating app photos found that women who tilt their heads in photos are perceived positively, but men aren’t (perhaps this can be attributed to the stereotype that vulnerability is attractive in women but not in men.) Another study suggests that tilting your head in photos obscures your face, which may not make you seem approachable—but it may create a sense of mysterious intrigue that draws people in.)

Selectively imitate others’ nonverbal cues. Nonverbal cues communicate emotions that can be contagious—if you’re next to someone who’s happy, you’re more likely to feel happy (and vice versa). You can consciously imitate someone’s warmth cues to amplify their positive emotions, which makes you seem warm. For example, if a coworker always greets you with a high five, you might respond with your own high fives or other forms of respectful touch. However, Van Edwards warns against imitating negative cues, which can detract from your warmth and worsen an already moody atmosphere.

Imitating someone’s cues can also signal that you agree with them, and validating their feelings or ideas can help warm them up to you. But Van Edwards says you should take care not to imitate someone’s cues when you disagree with them, as that can send the wrong message.

The Nuances of Imitation

Van Edwards says you shouldn’t imitate someone you disagree with, but you can use other cues to maintain a positive connection during disagreements. For example, you might combine verbal cues like friendly word choice with nonverbal cues like tilting your head as you listen to their ideas. Conflict communication strategies, like using open-ended questions, might also help you remain warm during difficult discussions.

Projecting warmth during conflicts is helpful because it can protect your relationships from unnecessary harm—for example, some research shows that when parents express warmth on high-conflict days, their teenagers cope with the conflict better. However, projecting too much warmth during a disagreement can be harmful, as it signals that you’re not taking the conversation seriously.

This is why imitation is the crux of Van Edwards’s advice here—if the person you’re talking to isn’t exhibiting any positive cues, you probably shouldn’t either. Van Edwards also says that imitating their negative cues could make the situation worse, but in some cases it might be an appropriate—even helpful—empathetic response. For example, consider how people react to death by sending condolences and crying at funerals: When someone loses a loved one, communicating that you’re sad, too can be comforting and help them process their grief. Not imitating the bereaved’s negative cues (like verbal and nonverbal expressions of sadness) in this case could make you seem cold and unfeeling, rather than warm or even neutral.

Behavioral Cues That Project Competence

Narrow your eyes. Narrowing your eyes makes you seem thoughtful and intense. It signals to others that you’re paying attention and trying to understand—though narrowing your eyes for longer than a few seconds seems unnatural. Van Edwards also says you can watch for eye narrowing to find opportunities to reinforce your competence: When someone’s eyes suddenly narrow, it suggests that they just started analyzing something. This might mean you said something confusing or controversial, so you should pause to address the possible issue.

(Shortform note: On her website, Van Edwards explains that depending on your gender, this cue (which she refers to as a smolder) could make you more attractive. She says that straight women are more attracted to men who smolder because smoldering conveys power and, therefore, masculinity; in contrast, straight men prefer women who smile rather than smolder. She also explains that narrowing your eyes can signal unexpressed anger, contempt, or disagreement—states of mind that are better tolerated in men than in women. Women who narrow their eyes might be perceived as “bitchy” or standoffish, especially during disagreements, since women face pressure to be agreeable and accommodating.)

Steeple your fingers. Van Edwards says this cue conveys that you’re earnest, self-assured, and a deep thinker. You’re displaying your hands for everyone to see, which symbolically expresses that you have nothing to hide. Since you’re suggesting that you’re a deep thinker, steepling gives others a reason to think about (and believe in) what you’ve said—or if you’re listening to someone else, it communicates that you’re carefully considering what they’ve said. However, Van Edwards warns against a gesture she calls “evil fingers,” where you steeple your hands and tap the tips of your fingers together. Evil fingers suggest that you’re concocting a sinister plan.

(Shortform note: Steepling is also known as finger-tenting, and some say that in film and television, it can signal malevolence even if the character doesn’t tap their fingers together. These observers note that instead of conveying competence, the gesture conveys arrogance, which might explain why it’s particularly common among “diabolical masterminds”—brainy villains who revel in their own evil brilliance. But while steepling is associated with evil in cinema, law enforcement behavioral analyst Joe Navarro argues that this association doesn’t hold in real life. Instead, he says, people who steeple in real life convey competence, as Van Edwards suggests.)

Use explanatory gestures. Moving your hands and arms while you speak helps you convey information to others more efficiently (for example, you can use gestures that indicate the shape of something). When you gesture with purpose and grace, listeners pay more attention, understand you better, and find you more credible. However, Van Edwards warns against using very large or forceful gestures—if you notice people looking at your hands or moving away when you gesture, dial it back.

(Shortform note: Experts say there are several categories of gestures to choose from. Deictic gestures indicate a location or a target object or person, like when you point in the direction of an object you’re discussing. Batonic gestures are rhythmic and convey emphasis or punctuation, helping listeners focus on important information. Iconic gestures visually represent objects or actions and can help you think spatially and solve physical problems, like how to pack your car for a road trip. Finally, metaphoric gestures represent abstract ideas and are culturally determined— for example, the sign of the horns means “rock on” to metal enthusiasts but offends some Christians due to its association with Satan.)

Behavioral Cues That Project Charisma

Clear the path between you and your conversation partner. Van Edwards explains that when something comes between you and the person you’re talking with—whether that’s your own crossed arms, an object like a laptop, or a piece of furniture—it can signal that you’re preoccupied, uninterested, anxious, or dismissive of their ideas. In contrast, when you clear the path between you and your conversation partner, you seem open-minded: receptive, approachable, and secure enough to explore others’ ideas in good faith. This makes it easier for them to communicate openly with you.

(Shortform note: Van Edwards focuses on what your body language communicates about you here, but you can also use this information to learn more about—and change—others’ states of mind. For example, if you’re discussing a contentious topic with your parents and they cross their arms, you can take this as a sign that they’re not willing to see your point of view. Then, you can try some of the strategies experts recommend for promoting open-mindedness—like highlighting what you have in common and sharing a personal story. If their body language still hasn’t changed after that, this suggests that the conversation may be a dead end, so you might want to shift to peacekeeping strategies, like agreeing to disagree.)

Lean toward others. Consider how you might lean toward a blossoming tree that you want to smell. Similarly, when you lean toward someone, it’s a sign that you’re engrossed in them—you want to see, hear, or otherwise perceive them more closely or even connect with them physically. This makes people feel like you’re respectfully or even delightedly engaging with them. Van Edwards says that you can also refrain from leaning to respectfully indicate that you’re not buying what someone’s saying—but don’t lean back, as this signals standoffishness.

(Shortform note: How does leaning toward others make you seem more charismatic? Studies suggest that physical closeness creates interpersonal warmth—the set of positive feelings exchanged during social interactions. When you initiate physical closeness by leaning in, it may seem like you sparked that warmth or like you are warm, one of the components of charisma. Leaning in can also convey competence, the other half of charisma: Language experts note that the term “lean in” is used to describe actions that demonstrate initiative, engagement, or assertiveness. This use of the phrase was popularized by Sheryl Sandberg in her book, Lean In, where she describes leaning toward other people when she spoke to assert her ideas.)

Use space to your advantage. Van Edwards says that your proximity to others influences how they perceive your warmth: Closeness suggests mutual trust and comfort, while appropriate distance can signal that you respect others’ boundaries. Additionally, positioning yourself next to someone who’s important to the setting—like a community leader, your manager, or the most popular person in a friend group—can convey a privileged connection with them, enhancing your perceived competence.

You can use this process to foster closer relationships with personal and professional contacts: First, observe their cues to determine whether they seem accepting or closed off. If they seem closed off (for example, because they have their arms crossed), don’t get any closer—this may make them feel uncomfortable. If they seem like they’d welcome more closeness (for example, because they’re getting closer to you), gradually close the distance. Sit or stand near them, or use behavioral cues like touching, leaning, and gesturing.

(Shortform note: If you’re geographically distant from those who matter to you, you may not be able to use spatial cues to your advantage. In that case, leverage other warmth and competence cues to strengthen your relationships. For example, if you work remotely, you may be able to counter proximity bias, the tendency for supervisors to favor workers who work in the office, by using a combination of charismatic verbal cues in virtual meetings. Similarly, if you’re in a long-distance friendship or romantic relationship, you may have to get creative to foster physical connections: For example, some gifts come in synced pairs so that when you touch, say, your bracelet, your friend or partner’s bracelet vibrates.)

Look into others’ faces. Looking into someone’s face suggests that you’re paying attention to them and that you’re interested in understanding them. It’s easier to interpret others’ emotions when you look them in the face—Van Edwards says you should take in a person’s whole face, but pay special attention to their eyes. Looking into someone’s eyes stimulates oxytocin production in both parties, which can enhance your ability to interpret each other’s emotions and produce the mutual sensation of warmth. On the other hand, if you don’t want to encourage intimacy with someone or if you want them to know you’re not paying attention to them, avert your eyes. You should also reduce eye contact if someone seems uncomfortable with it.

(Shortform note: For some neurodivergent individuals, such as those on the autism spectrum, any amount of eye contact can be uncomfortable and overwhelming. Research shows that autistic people may experience heightened anxiety or sensory overload when engaging in eye contact, leading to a desire to avoid it. Experts say that if you’re autistic, you can learn to tolerate eye contact with practice, but remember that you don’t have to—if it makes you very uncomfortable, there’s nothing wrong with continuing to avoid it and asking others to accommodate you. Similarly, people who aren’t autistic shouldn’t insist that autistic people make eye contact if it makes them uncomfortable.)

Personal Branding Cues

In addition to using your speech and behavior, Van Edwards says you can influence how others perceive you by manipulating visual cues to concoct a unique, charismatic “personal brand” that brings to mind certain associations. Your personal brand includes factors like your wardrobe, the colors you surround yourself with, and the imagery you use in professional contexts.

(Shortform note: Another factor to consider is how effortful your personal brand seems. According to Patrick King (Read People Like a Book), people who don’t put much effort into how they look seem less confident (and therefore less competent). However, in some contexts, a seemingly effortless appearance is more charismatic. For example, effortless fashions and “no-makeup” makeup looks are currently en vogue.)

Let’s explore Van Edwards’s tips for developing a charismatic personal brand:

Curate your wardrobe. You can use your choice of clothing and accessories to signal warmth and competence in different measures. For example, if you always wear athleisure, others may subconsciously associate you with energy and vitality (competence cues) and see you as more approachable (a warmth cue) than someone who’s always dressed formally. Van Edwards suggests matching your wardrobe to the stereotypes whose associations you wish to embody, but she also notes that breaking the mold can be impactful because unexpected attire grabs others’ attention.

(Shortform note: CEOs often make distinctive wardrobe choices that help them stand out and convey specific attributes. For example, in Steve Jobs, Walter Isaacson details how the Apple executive curated his personal brand by making a unique wardrobe choice—he always wore a black mock turtleneck designed by Issey Miyake in public appearances, which conveyed both simplicity and elegance and signaled that Jobs had more important concerns than his wardrobe. Similarly, in Trailblazer, Salesforce CEO Marc Benioff explains that he often wears Hawaiian shirts—a relaxed, easygoing style choice that matches the progressive, wellness-focused image his company projects.)

Consider color. Van Edwards contends that a few colors—red, yellow, green, and blue—have meanings that are nearly universal. You can use these colors strategically in your wardrobe, decor, presentations, and in other contexts to help others perceive you in a specific way.

• Red is associated with rushes of blood, which can convey excitement, danger, or urgency, so you can use it to attract attention. (Shortform note: Wearing red may also make you seem more confident because it communicates political and sexual prowess.)
• Yellow is associated with sunlight and can evoke happiness, but it works best in small doses because it can strain the eyes. (Shortform note: Saturated colors cause the most eyestrain, so you may be able to get away with larger amounts of pale or pastel yellow.)
• Green is associated with nature, so you can use it to signal environmentalism and good health. (Shortform note: Where currency is green, the color is also associated with money, which is why many financial institutions use green in their branding.)
• Blue is associated with tranquil skies and bodies of water, so it makes people feel at ease, which can help them focus. (Shortform note: In Blue Mind, Wallace J. Nichols argues that blue is also associated with cleanliness, trust, wisdom, and strength.)

Use imagery associated with competence and warmth in professional contexts. For example, if you’re a therapist, you might stock your office with both reference books and comforting decor like art and plants to elicit clients’ trust in your services. Similarly, in remote work contexts, you can use imagery to curate your online presence and your background in video calls to convey the ideal mix of competence and warmth cues. Van Edwards explains that some clients will respond better to warmth cues than competence cues or vice versa—so you can tailor the imagery you use according to the clients you’d like to attract.

(Shortform note: Your ability to use certain kinds of imagery may be shaped by legal, cultural, or professional expectations. For example, to be more inclusive of all the people you serve professionally, you may want to avoid using politically or religiously divisive imagery. In some contexts (like in the US public school system), you may be legally mandated to avoid using such imagery; in other contexts, you may be able to use such imagery to weed out clientele you don’t want to serve (as is the case for pro-Donald Trump stores). Similarly, while it may be appropriate for a children’s therapist to stock their office with cartoonish art and games, that probably wouldn’t be appropriate for a therapist who only sees adults.)

Mitigate These Anti-Charismatic Cues

We’ve covered the cues Van Edwards says you should use to cultivate charisma—now, let’s discuss the cues you should mitigate or avoid. In this section, we’ll describe the cues that signal contemptibility—the absence of warmth and competence—and provide alternatives you can use to minimize contemptibility. Finally, we’ll discuss how to counter others’ biases, which could lead them to unfairly perceive you as uncharismatic.

Mitigate Contemptible Cues

Contemptible cues counteract charisma by decreasing your perceived warmth, competence, or both, leading others to dismiss you. Just like charismatic cues, contemptible cues fall into two categories: verbal and nonverbal.

Contemptible Verbal Cues

Asking questions when you mean to make a statement. Van Edwards says that many people raise their pitch at the end of a sentence—this variation in pitch is known as question inflection, and it signals that you’re unsure of what you’re saying. To project competence instead, maintain a steady pitch throughout your sentence. (Shortform note: You can use the inverse of this rule when it’s important to project warmth: For example, question inflection (also known as “upspeak” or “uptalk”) can help soften criticism or make an instruction seem like a suggestion. This can be helpful when you want to signal that you’re not trying to overpower someone, like when you disagree with your boss or a friend.)

Uninteresting and pessimistic language. Van Edwards says when your words have uninteresting or pessimistic connotations, your audience feels uninterested and pessimistic. Because people avoid others who make them feel negative emotions, your audience will avoid interacting with you when you use such language. So opt for more interesting alternatives to banal language, and replace negatives with positives whenever possible. For example, instead of saying, “I hope our trip isn’t boring,” use the positive inverse of the same statement: “I hope our trip is exciting!”

(Shortform note: Although Van Edwards is primarily concerned with the way you talk to others, you may also be able to enhance your charisma by choosing positive and engaging language in your self-talk. Many people use harsher or more apathetic language with themselves than they’d use with others, and over time, this can make you feel more stressed, less confident, and even depressed. Outwardly, this might make you seem like a negative person, which Van Edwards notes can drive others away. To correct negative self-talk, experts suggest that you lean into humor, gratitude, and self-compassion.)

Contemptible Nonverbal Cues

Defensive body language. Defensive body language includes protective poses like crossing your arms, which we discussed earlier, as well as two other behaviors: covering your mouth and blocking your vision. The facepalm is one notable example of defensive body language—it suggests that you’re feeling embarrassment (or secondhand embarrassment) and need to take a moment to recover. Defensive body language signals discomfort, shock, shame, or fear, so using it makes others feel anxious. (Shortform note: Other forms of defensive body language to avoid include covering vulnerable body parts like your throat, tensing your muscles, and curling up or shrinking to make yourself smaller.)

Negative facial expressions. Many people unknowingly show facial expressions that signal sadness, irritation, and contempt—like knitted eyebrows, pursed lips, smirks, and frowns—even when they don’t actually feel those emotions. To avoid having others misinterpret your emotions, Van Edwards encourages you to be mindful of your facial expressions at all times. (Shortform note: If you’re prone to showing negative facial expressions, you might have what some experts refer to as “resting bitch face” or RBF. Some people with RBF reportedly seek plastic surgery to counteract it; according to Van Edwards’s website, some less dire solutions include smiling more and using makeup and accessories to appear more cheerful.)

Self-soothing gestures. These are small, compulsive, self-focused gestures like fidgeting with your keys, bouncing your leg, or peeling off your nail polish. You may only exhibit these behaviors out of habit, but they’re off-putting because they make you seem stressed and lacking in self-control. To prevent self-soothing, Van Edwards suggests preoccupying yourself by giving your hands or legs and feet something more natural and purposeful to do. For example, if you want to stop fidgeting with your keys in class, you could take notes or even doodle instead.

(Shortform note: Although Van Edwards warns against self-soothing behaviors, other experts say that they can have benefits. For example, some studies suggest that some self-soothing behaviors, like pacing and doodling, can improve focus and help guard against the risks associated with a sedentary lifestyle. Additionally, some children (and adults) find that self-soothing with fidget toys helps them overcome symptoms of anxiety, ADHD, and autism.)

Confirming Unconscious Biases

Van Edwards points out that others may have unconscious biases against you because they unconsciously subscribe to certain stereotypes. For example, if you’re a Black woman, you may encounter the “angry Black woman” stereotype, which makes others perceive you as overly hostile or aggressive regardless of your actual demeanor and behavior. Van Edwards says that even though it’s unfair for the responsibility of counteracting these stereotypes to fall on you, it may benefit you to purposefully counteract them anyway. If you’re concerned about how being perceived as an angry Black woman could harm your career, for example, you could employ extra warmth cues during workplace disagreements to protect your professional image.

(Shortform note: Social scientists refer to the pressure to avoid confirming others’ unconscious biases as stereotype threat. Stereotype threats often induce anxiety and distract you from the task at hand, since you become concerned with both performing in the moment and counteracting the stereotype in question. Because of this, stereotype threats can cause you to perform worse than you would if you weren’t thinking about the stereotype in question. If you’re facing a stereotype threat, one strategy that could help you overcome it is self-affirmation. Studies suggest that when you bring to mind things you like about yourself or your inherent value as a person, you reduce the power a stereotype threat holds over you in the moment)