PDF Summary:Communication Skills Training, by James Williams

Communicating effectively with others is a crucial skill—it’s how we build and maintain relationships, solve problems, and accomplish tasks. However, James Williams explains that good communication skills don’t come naturally—instead, they’re built up over time through intentional practice. In Communication Skills Training, Williams outlines the core abilities of effective communication and how to develop them so you can communicate well, build your charisma, and win people over.

In this guide, we’ve broken Williams’s advice down into two main sections. In Part 1, we’ll explore four core abilities of effective communication—active listening, establishing connections, controlling emotions, and being accurate and clear. We’ll outline why they’re important and how to develop them. In Part 2, we’ll discuss how to communicate effectively in three scenarios—handling misunderstandings, navigating feedback discussions, and giving public presentations.

Throughout the guide, we’ll supplement Williams’s recommendations with advice from other communication books like Thanks For the Feedback by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen and Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg.

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(Shortform note: In Thanks for the Feedback, Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen agree that understanding your triggers is an important part of controlling strong emotions, particularly when receiving feedback (which we’ll discuss in more detail later). They elaborate that there are three types of triggers. Truth triggers are reactions to things we feel are wrong, unfair, or unhelpful. Relationship triggers are responses to the person we’re interacting with rather than the content of what they’re saying. Identity triggers are responses to situations that threaten our sense of self.)

Tip #2: Overcome Negative Assumptions

Often, we react emotionally due to negative assumptions we make about others and their intentions. For example, if someone’s tone seems demeaning to you, you might get angry and accuse them of patronizing you. To avoid this, Williams recommends replacing negative assumptions with positive ones. For instance, instead of patronizing you, maybe this person is trying to be gentle so they don’t hurt your feelings.

(Shortform note: This process of overcoming negative assumptions is part of a strategy called cognitive restructuring, which helps people overcome negative thought patterns in general. While it’s possible to complete this process on your own, experts explain that it’s best to practice first with a therapist—this will help you more effectively develop your restructuring skills so you can use them on your own in the future. One method of restructuring you can practice with a therapist is Socratic questioning—this teaches you to evaluate your negative assumptions to determine if they’re biased or illogical.)

If you can’t convince yourself of positive intent, avoid resentment by simply accepting that everyone is different and has their own flaws and characteristics—you can’t control people, so accept them for who they are.

(Shortform note: While accepting people’s flaws is an important part of relationships, experts advise being careful that you’re not taking this advice too far and inadvertently accepting abusive behaviors. This can be extremely damaging and result in conditions like PTSD. Signs of abuse include a partner or loved one belittling you, trying to isolate you from others, intimidating you verbally or physically, or making you feel like you’re always wrong.)

Tip #3: Write Out Your Thoughts

When you feel strong emotions like anger or stress, Williams says to write down your thoughts and feelings to release them. This will also help you determine how rational your emotional reactions are—writing helps you organize your thoughts so you can make a more accurate judgment on whether or not your feelings are reasonable.

(Shortform: Experts note that journaling has more benefits than just helping you rationalize and release your emotions. It can also help you take positive action toward your goals, make better decisions, and track your personal development.)

Tip #4: Be Respectful

When talking about your emotions, Williams recommends using “I feel” statements to express yourself—for example, “I feel hurt about what happened” or “I feel anxious about this situation.” This will help you avoid making unfair accusations, even when you’re angry or believe the other person’s at fault because you’re focusing on describing your emotions rather than the other person’s actions.

(Shortform note: Experts warn that for “I feel” statements to be effective, you must ensure you’re using them to describe your emotions, not to make assumptions about the other person’s intent. For example, don’t say “I feel like you were trying to belittle with that tone.” Instead, say “I felt belittled when you talked to me in that tone.” This statement avoids accusations and simply expresses that their actions hurt you, whether it was their intent or not.)

Further, focus on the issue at hand—don’t bring up unrelated past issues that you're harboring negative emotions about. This could upset the other person and ignite negative emotions for you as well.

(Shortform note: Bringing up past issues, a phenomenon called “kitchen-sinking,” is often the result of another communication issue called “gunnysacking”: harboring issues over time rather than handling them in the moment. Your frustration builds up until, eventually, it comes out during a moment of tension. To avoid gunnysacking and kitchen-sinking, discuss issues as they arise, and don’t avoid conflict.)

Ability #4: Accuracy and Clarity

Williams explains that expressing yourself accurately and clearly is crucial. If you don’t, the other person will likely misunderstand you, and you’ll fail to achieve your goal for the conversation. He offers the following tips for staying accurate and clear:

Tip #1: Communicate About Important Topics Face-to-Face

Williams suggests holding important conversations face-to-face, not via text messaging, noting that misunderstandings are much more common in written communication like texts or emails. This is because you’re not able to pick up on nonverbal elements like tone, body language, and facial expressions, which, as we’ve discussed, are important to understanding the other person's feelings and intent.

(Shortform note: The authors of Difficult Conversations reiterate that emotional topics are best discussed in person rather than over text-based messaging. However, they state that text conversations aren’t always avoidable–especially if the other person initiates one or insists upon one. They therefore provide a few tips for effective text-based conversation. For example, try to give the other person the benefit of the doubt and assume good intentions when reading their messages. If you get too emotional to do this, take a break and return to the message later. Further, to ensure the other person understands your messages, be as explicit as possible about your intentions, reasoning, and emotional state.)

Tip #2: Be Concise and Direct

Williams recommends using as few words as possible whenever you communicate—the fewer words you use, the less room there is for misinterpretation. Further, directly state what you want or need to make it easier for the other person to understand your message.

(Shortform note: While being direct and concise may ensure your message is understood, this terseness can sometimes be perceived as abrupt or rude. To avoid offending the other person while still being clear and direct, use “softeners,” such as “perhaps,” “maybe,” and “it might be worth considering.” For example, rather than saying, “We need to equally split the burden of chores. I want you to start unloading the dishwasher every other day,” say, “I’d like us to make chore distribution more equal. Would you consider unloading the dishwasher every other day?”)

Tip #3: Check For Understanding

Rather than assuming you and the other person understand each other, Williams says you must regularly check in by summarizing what’s happened in the discussion so far and ensuring the other person is on the same page.

(Shortform note: Experts reiterate the importance of checking in to clarify understanding, adding that in information-dense conversations, people tend to retain less than half of the information discussed. As a result, you should intentionally repeat important principles multiple times throughout the conversation to aid memory.)

Part 2: Crucial Scenarios of Effective Communication

Now that we’ve discussed the main abilities of effective communication, let’s discuss how to handle three common scenarios that will put your communication skills to the test.

Scenario #1: Managing Misunderstandings

While being clear and accurate in your communication reduces the chances for misunderstandings, Williams explains that they still might happen. As such, it’s crucial to understand how to manage them so you can get the conversation back on track. Williams offers a few tips to salvage the conversation when misunderstandings occur:

Tip #1: Pause and Identify the Issue

When you realize a misunderstanding occurred, Williams says to pause the conversation and address it immediately. Take a moment to figure out what exactly was said or done to cause the issue so you know what to address.

(Shortform note: In Crucial Accountability, the authors reiterate the importance of addressing urgent issues like misunderstandings as soon as they arise to ensure that you fulfill the original goal of the conversation. To solve these issues without derailing things, they recommend clearly bookmarking the conversation and acknowledging that you’re going to pivot to a new issue. For example, you might say, “Let’s continue the discussion of X later. Right now, I want to address the misunderstanding that just occurred.”)

Tip #2: Be Mindful

When someone gets offended, Williams says you must be mindful of your emotions and keep your cool. Fully consider their perspective on what you might have done wrong—this will help you see how you might need to change your behavior. Then, take accountability for any mistakes or contributions you made to the issue or misunderstanding.

(Shortform note: The authors of Crucial Accountability reiterate to be mindful of your emotions, actions, and impact when someone gets offended. To take accountability for the situation and get the conversation back on track, they recommend the following process: First, state the other person’s misunderstanding. Then, explain that it wasn’t your intention to convey something hurtful. Finally, clarify your intent. For example, you might say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to blame you for the incident. I don’t think it was your fault. My intention is just to discuss what we can both do to prevent something similar from happening again.” This will show the other person your positive intent and re-establish mutual understanding and respect.)

Tip #3: Don’t Involve Outside Parties

Williams explains that involving third parties in a misunderstanding complicates the issue and makes further miscommunications more likely. Outsiders are unlikely to have a complete and accurate perspective and background on the situation being discussed.

(Shortform note: Involving a third party in a dispute may sometimes be beneficial: For instance, utilizing a professional mediator might enhance your ability to solve difficult problems and achieve lasting change. True mediators are impartial and encourage dialogue that will enhance everyone’s understanding of the situation, rather than push for a certain outcome.)

Scenario #2: Feedback Discussions

Williams explains that feedback is an important and unavoidable part of everyday communication, making successfully giving and receiving it crucial. However, we often struggle to accept feedback and criticism because it impacts our self-esteem, and our brains reject it to protect us. Therefore, to improve ourselves and help others do the same, we must learn how to give feedback to others without triggering their or our defenses.

(Shortform note: In Thanks For the Feedback, Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen reiterate the importance of mastering feedback conversations—not only because feedback is part of everyday communication, but also because accepting and integrating feedback is how we learn, grow, reach success, maintain relationships, and avoid perpetuating and escalating problems. They explain that people naturally struggle to accept feedback because it causes two of our basic needs to clash. On one hand, we want to learn and grow, and feedback will help us do this. But on the other hand, we yearn to be accepted as we are, and many of us interpret feedback as criticism. As Williams explains, this makes us resist it.)

Here are some tips for both giving and receiving feedback effectively:

Tip #1: Give Feedback With Positive Intentions

Before giving feedback, Williams advises making sure you’re doing it to help the other person improve in some way—don’t give it just to make them feel bad or simply criticize them.

(Shortform note: In Carrots and Sticks Don’t Work, Paul Marciano agrees that you should give feedback with the intent of helping the other person succeed. He adds a few additional tips for giving supportive feedback. For example, make your feedback specific and clear so it’s not perceived as complaining. Further, try to provide feedback within 24 hours of the problem occurring—this will prevent resources from being wasted due to the problem and make it less awkward to address.)

Tip #2: Soften Critical Feedback With Praise

Williams suggests softening critical feedback with positive feedback: Start your statement with a compliment, then give your criticism, and then give another compliment to end on a positive note. This technique highlights the other person’s strengths so they’re less likely to focus solely on the criticism and become offended or discouraged. For example, you could say, “The painting you made yesterday was really beautiful, I love how colorful it was. However, I noticed that you left a little mess on the table afterward. Next time, I’d really appreciate it if you could clean up after you finish. I absolutely love that painting though, it brightens up the whole room!” This way, the other person will get your message while feeling uplifted at the same time.

(Shortform note: Some experts argue that this feedback method is ineffective and can damage relationships because it’s based on manipulation—the purpose of giving the compliments is to divert the other person from the key issue (the feedback). Further, many people end up giving disingenuous compliments because they feel they have to say something positive, even if they don’t really feel that way. This damages trust and will make the other person skeptical of future feedback.)

Tip #3: Seek Out Feedback to Get Used to Receiving It

Williams argues that the only way you’ll get good at receiving feedback is through regular exposure to it. As such, you should ask for feedback as often as possible.

(Shortform note: In Thanks For the Feedback, Stone and Heen explain that to effectively ask for feedback that truly benefits you, you need to be specific about which type you’re seeking—otherwise, you may get frustrated and discouraged, setting you back. There are three types of feedback: feedback that lets you know where you stand currently, advice-based feedback that tells you what you can improve on, and feedback that focuses on what you did well.)

Tip #4: After Receiving Feedback, Reflect On and Accept It

Once the other person finishes giving you feedback, Williams recommends taking a moment to fully process what they’ve said before responding. Consider how true their feedback is so you can decide if and how to implement it, and explain how you plan to do so in your response.

(Shortform note: In Thanks For the Feedback, Stone and Heen also recommend taking a moment to process feedback and responding in a way that addresses how you’ll implement the advice. However, they additionally recommend engaging in discourse with the other person. Ask them questions about their feedback to let them know you were listening, clarify your understanding of the feedback, ensure you have all the details, and brainstorm solutions. This will ensure that you implement the feedback effectively.)

Scenario #3: Public Presentations

Williams argues that being able to effectively deliver public speeches or presentations is a crucial skill because it can expand your career options and professional network and help you share your ideas. (Shortform note: Public speaking is not only important for expanding career options and sharing ideas—experts note that it can also boost your confidence and help you overcome anxiety.)

Here are four tips to help you prepare for and execute an effective presentation:

Tip #1: Choose a Relevant, Helpful Topic

To engage your audience, Williams says you must understand them so you can select a topic that they’re interested in. The best way to interest them is by providing them with something they need—solutions, advice, or information. For example, imagine that you’re a guest speaker at a library event for kids who are bored at home for the summer. They probably want to learn about something fun they can do to pass the time. The topic of your speech can be about how to build a model volcano at home—something that will solve their problem of boredom.

(Shortform note: Other experts reiterate the importance of understanding your audience so you can pick an effective topic. They elaborate that you should specifically seek out information like the audience’s age, gender, beliefs, seniority, education, hobbies, experience, ethnicity, and employment. This will help you better determine what they’re interested in and what service you can provide that they might need.)

Tip #2: Write Your Speech

Williams says that the first step of writing your speech is researching all angles of your topic so you’re knowledgeable and can answer any questions you’re asked. (Shortform note: Researching thoroughly also allows you to develop unique insights that will make your speech stand out.)

Once you have this background knowledge, it’s time to write your speech. One possible speech structure is to start by catching the audience’s attention by introducing a problem they have that you can solve. Then, explain why they're struggling to solve that problem and provide your solution. Next, provide facts supporting your solution, explain why it works, and show the audience how it’ll solve the problem. Conclude by calling your audience to take action.

(Shortform note: While Williams provides an effective structure for speeches that have a clear problem and solution, for other types of speeches, alternative formats may be more effective—for example, for speeches meant to entertain or inform. To write an effective speech, you must choose a structure that’s appropriate for your topic. For example, a problem-solution format won’t be effective for an informative speech about the history of AI. Instead, a chronological format may work best.)

Tip #3: Prepare for Your Presentation

Williams recommends practicing reciting your speech mostly from memory in the days before your performance—you don’t want to read your entire speech from a sheet of paper during your presentation. Instead, create notecards with refreshers of your main points that can help spark your memory during your speech.

(Shortform note: Consider practicing your speech in front of an audience—even if it’s just a few friends. This will help you get used to being in front of people so you’ll feel more confident during your presentation. Further, make your cue cards more user-friendly by including only one main idea per card, using a heading to indicate which part of the speech the card pertains to, and including plenty of blank space on the card so it’s easy to read from.)

Tip #4: Execute Your Speech

Williams says you must stand up straight and exude confidence while presenting—this will make people more inclined to listen to you. Further, be enthusiastic to get your audience excited, and speak to them in a conversational manner. If you come off as overly professional, the audience may struggle to relate to you and lose interest in your message.

(Shortform note: Chris Anderson, curator of TED, adds a few tips to help you effectively execute your speech. To exude confidence through your posture, keep your lower body grounded—swaying or shuffling your feet portrays nervousness. Instead, move your upper body—specifically, use hand gestures for emphasis and to portray enthusiasm. Further, Anderson warns not to be too enthusiastic or passionate, as this can disrupt your ability to be conversational with your audience—you must strike a balance.)