PDF Summary:Captivate, by Vanessa Van Edwards

Does the idea of attending a wedding solo or standing in a room full of strangers make you cringe? If so, best-selling author Vanessa Van Edwards has a message for you: You got this! In Captivate, she provides strategies to help you become a social superstar. Van Edwards argues that by taking control of social situations and presenting your best self, you can dazzle the people you want to know and forge meaningful relationships.

A self-proclaimed “recovering awkward person,” TEDx Talk presenter, and blogger on how to master interpersonal skills, Van Edwards has drawn on the research of social psychologists and counselors to develop strategies to make yourself magnetic, bring out the best in other people, and build strong partnerships and relationships at home and work.

In this guide, we’ll explore Van Edwards’s strategies for establishing connections and deepening your relationships and compare her ideas to that of other relationship and social behavior experts. Along the way, we’ll suggest additional ways to apply Van Edwards’s strategies.

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Optimize the 3 Es

The 3 Es provide a framework for sparking a lively conversation and getting people to like you. With some additional advice, you can fine-tune this framework and find even more success.

First, start with a compliment. Not only do people enjoy answering questions about themselves, research has found that the order in which you ask questions can lead them to have more positive feelings and engagement. When you lead with a question that highlights a positive aspect of the listener’s life and then follow up with a more general question, the brain of the person answering carries over the good feeling from the first question to the second. For example, if you ask someone, “How did you get so good at your job?” and then follow up with, “What do you think makes a customer open their marketing emails?” you are sure to get a more detailed and enthusiastic response to the second question.

Second, listen actively. How you respond to the answers people give is equally important to asking great questions. You can be an active listener by making a concerted effort to hear, understand, and respond thoughtfully to information that people share with you:

• Focus on the person talking to you by putting down your cell phone and turning off the TV.

• Demonstrate that you’re listening by making eye contact, nodding, and not interrupting.

• Paraphrase or summarize the main points to show that you understand what they’ve shared with you.

• Ask probing questions to get people to explain things in greater depth.

• Show empathy and validate people by saying things like, “Yes, that makes sense,” or “That sounds really hard. How can I help?”

Third, lift them up. In addition to validating people by being an active listener, you can raise them up, which makes them feel better about themselves and you. When you praise people, you trigger a phenomenon known as “spontaneous trait transference,” which leads them to associate you with the positive adjectives you use to describe them—even when you don’t know them well. Introduce someone you just met as “warm and funny” to other people, and they’ll likely feel the warm and fuzzies for you.

Highlight Shared Connections

As is true with highlighting people’s best qualities, finding your similarities with others makes you more appealing to them. Van Edwards cites research showing that we like and get along more easily with people who agree and share common interests with us. You can take the following steps to identify and illuminate your similarities with others:

1. Find out if you share friends, interests, or are engaged in any of the same online or in-person groups, like a book club or gym class.
2. Ask why the friend, interest, or group you have in common matters to the other person. She suggests asking “why?” repeatedly as a way to probe deeper and enrich your understanding of the conversation.
3. Offer to help or be a resource for the other person if 1) you feel you’ve developed a genuine connection with them and 2) you have something useful you can provide them.

(Shortform note: Extensive research finds that we’re more attracted to people who are like us. A review of 313 studies with more than 35,000 participants found that similarity strongly predicted attraction at the onset of relationships. However, some psychologists contend that being too much alike can curb our attraction for others by stunting our need for personal growth.)

Be Your Authentic Self

Van Edwards asserts that when you show your true self by being vulnerable, other people find you more likable, human, and relatable. She acknowledges that it can be hard to be vulnerable because nobody likes making mistakes and looking silly in front of other people. However, Van Edwards cites research that shows

• We’re more aware of our flaws than other people because our self-centeredness gives us a distorted perception of what others think of us.
• Making mistakes causes others to see us as more likable and attractive.

Van Edwards recommends you show people your vulnerability by asking others for guidance, which lets them know that you don’t have the answers to everything, gives them a chance to share their expertise (which people like), and allows you to learn more about them. She also says you can be vulnerable by apologizing when you’re wrong, asking for forgiveness, and requesting and accepting small favors. For example, allow someone to treat you to a meal after sharing that you’ve had a tough week.

(Shortform note: In The Power of Vulnerability, Brené Brown argues that being vulnerable breaks down your emotional walls while increasing your empathy and creativity. She also says that vulnerability is essential to building trust between two people because you can’t understand another person’s motives, personality, or feelings without it.)

Part 2 | Deepen Your Relationships: Read and Adapt to Your Audience

In Part 1 of this guide, you learned how to establish connections with people you’ve just met. Now, we’ll examine four of Van Edwards’s methods for getting to know people at a deeper level so you can enhance and improve your relationships.

Method 1: Read Faces to Reveal the Truth

Van Edwards presents and discusses Paul Ekman’s theory of seven universal facial expressions and says that when you know what they are, you can use them to determine if people are being honest.

Facial microexpressions are tiny, near imperceptible facial gestures that appear and disappear in less than a second and communicate one of the following seven emotions. The features of the seven microexpressions are:

1. Anger: Brow furrowed, eyes and lips narrowed
2. Contempt: Lips tightened and raised on one side of the face
3. Happiness: A symmetrical smile displaying teeth, plumped cheeks, eye corners wrinkled
4. Fear: Eyes wide, forehead and eyelids raised, mouth slightly open
5. Surprise: Eyes wide, eyebrows raised and rounded, jaw hanging
6. Disgust: Nose wrinkled, upper lip raised, cheeks and lower eyelid tight
7. Sadness: Brow furrowed, eyelids drooping, lower lips pouting, mouth corners frowned

Van Edwards recommends that you look for microexpressions in the following situations:

• When someone’s talking, to see if their microexpression aligns with or contradicts the words coming out of their mouth
• When someone’s listening to you, to decipher how they truly feel about what you’re saying

Van Edwards says that once you know how to identify the emotion that a microexpression reveals, you should acknowledge it and adjust your behavior to address it. She recommends you do the following:

• Recognize the emotion and try to identify where it’s coming from. For example, if a colleague tells you about a report deadline she has to meet and says, “I feel fine about it, everything’s on track,” but her microexpression reveals fear, try probing a little deeper to see if maybe things aren’t going as smoothly as she says.
• Respond to the emotion by providing the person information, support, or solutions where you’re able. Using the same example above, if you discover that your colleague is overwhelmed because she’s not going to meet her deadline, ask how you can help lighten her workload or alleviate her anxiety. These are offers you might not have otherwise made without paying attention to her microexpression and your generosity will enhance your relationship.

Abusing Universal Facial Expressions

Since co-discovering the seven universal facial expressions, Paul Ekman asserts that he’s become aware of concerns about their misuse and warns that bad actors can use microexpressions to manipulate and exploit people, most often by invading their privacy and taking information without permission. The “information” being taken is primarily how the speaker feels. For example, if someone tells you that they like your shared boss, but their facial expression shows contempt instead, your sharing of that information can be deemed a violation and theft of their private thoughts. Ekman acknowledges that in some cases this is helpful (like a doctor recognizing signs of abuse in her patient), but in other cases it’s dangerous (such as in legal scenarios). In fact, it was the Department of Defense that brought this to Ekman’s attention.

Has the Concept of Universal Expressions Been Debunked?

One notable study determined that perceptions of emotion depend on cultural and conceptual contexts and aren’t universally consistent. In the study, participants from the US and Himba ethnic group were exposed to visual images and orally-translated stories to see if they identified the same emotions. When given the seven expressions to choose from, answers were fairly consistent among each group, but there were differences between the US participants and the Himba, which indicates a cultural distinction.

When the participants were not given a pool of answers to choose from, however, the consistency among the Himba dropped significantly. This indicates that there is a conceptual difference between the emotions as compared with the US participants, which challenges Ekman’s argument that humans innately demonstrate these expressions regardless of environment. You may also want to be wary of assuming that someone’s microexpression reveals the absolute truth of what they’re feeling, as some research challenges the notion of facial expression universality, finding that perceptions of emotion depend on cultural and conceptual contexts.

Method 2: Identify and Play to People’s Key Personality Traits

Now you know how to read people’s faces and use their microexpressions to better understand what they’re really feeling. Next we’ll examine how to identify and cater to people’s personality traits so you can communicate with them as effectively as possible.

Van Edwards presents the psychological trait theory that every person has five core personality traits and embodies more or less of each trait:

1. Openness
2. Conscientiousness
3. Extroversion
4. Agreeableness
5. Neuroticism

She argues that you can’t change and shouldn’t judge these traits, which influence how people operate and are likely to respond in different situations. She recommends that you instead accept people’s traits and adjust your behavior to adapt to them, which will allow you to either work with or around them in challenging situations.

Different Takes on Personality Traits

Some assert that the “Big Five” personality trait model that Van Edwards uses is the most scientifically valid and reliable, having been researched and used extensively by psychologists. However, others praise Thomas Erikson’s four color DISC model as also scientifically valid, easy to understand, and more practically applicable than the Big Five model because of the more general insights it offers.

In Surrounded by Idiots, Erikson argues that people’s personality traits fall into one of four color categories—red, yellow, green, and blue—which reflect whether they’re driven by the desire to Dominate, Inspire, be Stable, or Comply, respectively. The characteristics of each trait are as follows:

• Red: Extroverted, ambitious, confident, thrill-seeking, hard-working, innovative

• Yellow: Extroverted, optimistic, social, persuasive, entertaining, idealistic

• Green: Introverted, helpful, easygoing, cooperative, regimented, patient

• Blue: Introverted, obedient, organized, meticulous, cautious, private

Erikson’s DISC model is considered most useful in professional situations where interpersonal behavioral change is important, such as marketing and leadership, while the Big Five is considered better for individual personality assessments and counseling, and less helpful for understanding business, communication, and relationships.

To identify people’s key personality traits, Van Edwards says you can observe and analyze their body language, how they act, and what they say and write.

The trait openness reflects a person’s level of curiosity and creativity, as well as their interest in and willingness to try new things. They either prefer novelty or routine. For example, you can intuit that a colleague is more open if she enjoys trying new cuisines without knowing if she’ll like them, as opposed to sticking with tried and true meals over and over.You can cater to a more open personality type at work by encouraging them to tackle new projects that will pique their interest and challenge them.

(Shortform note: In Erikson’s DISC model, this trait would be most closely related to stability. Green and blue personalities crave predictability while red and yellow enjoy new and exciting experiences.)

The trait conscientiousness reflects a person’s level of discipline, organization, and reliability in managing tasks. They either prefer focusing on details and organizing or having looser structures and doing big-picture thinking. You can deduce that a colleague is more conscientious if everything in her cubicle is neatly organized and has its place, and less conscientious if her papers, books, shoes, and clothes are strewn about. You can play to the strengths of a more conscientious colleague by encouraging them to work on projects and tasks that require attention to detail and accuracy, like compiling lists of resources.

(Shortform note: In the DISC model, this trait would be most closely related to compliance. Blue personalities are the most compliant and detail-oriented, and yellow are the least.)

The trait extroversion reflects a person’s level of interest in engaging with people and the extent to which that engagement fuels or exhausts them. They either love being with people or need more alone time. You can reasonably guess that your coworker is more extroverted if she’s the life of every party, and that she’s less extroverted if she prefers hanging out with a few friends in a quiet park. You can meet the needs of a more extroverted coworker by encouraging them to engage in settings where they’ll have opportunities to interact with lots of people, like industry forums and conferences.

(Shortform note: In the DISC model, this trait would be most closely related to influence. Red and yellow personalities are extroverted, and yellows are the life of the party. Green and blue personalities lean toward introversion with greens preferring small groups and blues preferring solo activities.)

The trait agreeableness reflects the extent to which a person gets along with and is able to relate to others. They’re either more attuned to others’ experiences or more analytical in their approach to them. You can presume your colleague is more agreeable if, when you ask for her help with a project you’re struggling with, she says yes. You can presume that she’s less agreeable if she gives you her analysis of how you could have done your project differently or better. You can nurture a more agreeable colleague’s tendencies by encouraging them to pursue opportunities that allow them to tap into their ability to connect with others, like being a mentor for new hires.

(Shortform note: In the DISC model, green personalities are the most agreeable. They avoid conflict and are also the most empathetic of the personality types.)

The trait neuroticism reflects how a person manages and reacts to concerns and problems. They either worry a lot or don’t easily rattle. You can intuit that your colleague is more neurotic if they’re always preparing for the worst-case scenario, and less neurotic if they remain calm in the face of a storm. You can support a more neurotic coworker by asking what their biggest concern is about the project they’re working on, actively listening to their worries, and offering to help them address the challenge they’re facing.

(Shortform note: In the DISC model, blues are the most neurotic. Erikson says that while it might annoy others, pointing out problems is actually a strength of theirs, as it allows the team to fix small problems before they become big ones.)

Method 3: Illuminate and Communicate in People’s Love Language

You’ve learned to identify and play to people’s key personality traits, and now we’ll examine how to deepen your relationships by illuminating and interacting with people using their preferred form of communication.

Van Edwards presents and discusses Dr. Gary Chapman’s five “Love Languages,“ applying them to non-romantic relationships. She says we feel best when others communicate with us in the language we prefer. Knowing people’s love language helps you recognize what makes them feel most appreciated. Using this information, you can communicate with them in the way that will best serve your common goals. The five love languages are:

1. Words of affirmation (positive feedback in the form of words)
2. Gifts
3. Physical touch
4. Acts of service (doing things for others)
5. Quality time (spending time with people)

Van Edwards offers a few ways to identify other people’s love languages:

• Ask them directly if they know about the five love languages.
• Observe how they interact with you and others. For example, if they enjoy volunteering and regularly offer to help you and others, their love language is likely “acts of service.”
• Ask questions like: “If you were having a tough day, what’s one thing someone could do to make you feel better?” or “What’s your favorite thing to do in your free time?”

Keep Perspective on the Five Love Languages

Though the five love languages are popular and widely used in psychological circles in American culture, some warn that people are misusing them—to the detriment of their relationships—in four key ways:

• To keep score: The five love languages weren’t intended to be used by people to keep a mental tally of how much their partner or others use or fail to use their preferred language.

• To the exclusion of active listening: Love languages can evolve, so it’s important to always listen actively to stay attuned to people’s changing needs.

• As the be-all-end-all key to happiness: You shouldn’t expect or rely on others to always meet your needs in the exact way you want them met.

• As a universal fix to all problems: The love languages can’t solve everything, including toxic behavior.

Method 4: Identify and Cater to People’s Most Important Value

After learning about personality traits and love languages, the last thing we’ll explore is how to identify what people most value in life and how to use that information to strengthen your relationships.

Van Edwards presents and discusses the work of social psychologist Uriel G. Foa, arguing that each person has six primary resource needs stemming from childhood:

1. Love (being accepted)
2. Service (being cared for)
3. Status (being recognized in a way that makes us feel proud)
4. Money (having currency)
5. Goods (having material items)
6. Information (being taught or guided)

Van Edwards asserts that each of us values and prioritizes one resource need above all others, and that this resource drives our behavior. When you know which resource people value most, you can use that to motivate them, make them feel validated, and strengthen your relationship with them.

To identify people’s top value, Van Edwards says you can listen for the things they consistently gripe or boast about, observe their behavior, and look for microexpressions and body language that communicate how they feel.

A person who values love the most may give hugs to everyone and desire acceptance from others. You can validate her need for love by sending her texts or notes saying you’re thinking of her.

A person who values service may be the go-to organizer of baby showers and fundraisers, and she may long for others to care for her. You can validate her need to have things done for her by organizing a surprise birthday party for her.

A person who values status the most may continually complain that her bowling league didn’t award her a trophy for winning her match and wish for others to recognize her. You can validate her need for status by acknowledging her publicly in a positive way.

A person who values money the most may constantly brag about the bonus she got and prioritize her finances. You can validate her need for currency by telling her that the bonus she got was well-deserved.

A person who values goods may collect swag like it’s gold and want material items. You can validate her need for material items by surprising her with small gifts.

A person who values information may conduct relentless Google searches of everything from potential dates to medical conditions to how to train dogs, and she may seek to be taught or guided. You can validate her need for information by getting her a subscription to a magazine or journal she might find of particular interest.

Address Unmet Childhood Needs Head On

Van Edwards asserts that the primary resource people value is often the thing they most long for and didn’t get in childhood, and she recommends identifying and catering to those needs. However, some suggest that feeding the chasm those voids left is not enough—you should also work to heal them.

You can help people address unmet childhood needs by encouraging them to give themselves the love, praise, and feeling of being cared for that they desire and mourn the loss of what they didn’t receive. You can also remind them of their ability to develop helpful coping skills to address what they lack.

Whether someone regularly chooses toxic partners and friends because they didn’t get the love and care they needed as a child, feels empty inside because they didn’t receive validation that things they did were worthy of recognition, or struggles with impulsivity and control issues because they grew up without money, the more you can help them address the challenges they face, the healthier and better able they’ll be to engage in healthy ways with you and others.