PDF Summary:Burnout, by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski

Women have it rough. Our patriarchal society has a million expectations for how they should act, look, feel, and speak in any situation. And failure to meet these expectations equates to feeling like they aren’t “enough”—humble enough, generous enough, pretty enough, strong enough, and so on. The result? Physical, mental, and emotional burnout.

In Burnout, Amelia and Emily Nagoski explain how women can handle these stressors to avoid burnout and thrive. This guide will expose the patriarchal standards that cause female stress, explore how the body responds to this stress, and explain how you can handle stress before it leads to burnout. We’ll contextualize the authors’ arguments with research from social scientists. We’ll also supplement their recommendations with advice from self-help authors like Kelly McGonigal and Eckhart Tolle.

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(Shortform note: Experts agree that connecting with others is proven to decrease stress, and add that engaging in acts of altruism can decrease stress levels even more. Altruism is helping others or doing good deeds without focusing on recognition or self-rewards. They elaborate that like social interaction, altruism activates neurotransmitters associated with positive feelings, decreased anxiety, and an increase in feelings of strength and energy. Further, altruism can decrease stress by turning your focus outward rather than inward—it helps you form a more positive worldview and makes life more meaningful.)

Technique #3: Practice Wellness

Finally, the authors explain that practicing wellness can help dissipate your stress hormones. They recommend practicing a one-minute breathing exercise—breathe in slowly and deeply for five seconds, hold for five seconds, and then breathe out slowly and completely for ten seconds, repeating the process three times total. You should also try to regularly do things that make you happy, like laughing, meditating, talking to friends, or expressing yourself creatively.

(Shortform note: While the authors note that many wellness activities can help relieve stress, some would argue that meditation is far more effective than any of the authors’ other suggestions—it’s a fast and simple technique that, with practice, allows you to reach a deep state of relaxation void of stress-inducing thoughts. In You Are a Badass, Jen Sincero provides a straightforward method for basic meditation: Sit up straight with your legs crossed and hands on your knees or in your lap; relax your face, jaw, and forehead; close your eyes; release any thought that comes into your mind; focus on your breathing; and keep your mind clear and empty. Sincero adds that setting a timer, focusing on a candle, or repeating a mantra to minimize unwanted thoughts can make meditation easier.)

Step 2: Manage Your Stressors

The authors explain that stressors are stimuli that indicate danger. As we’ve noted, for women, stressors tend to be things like patriarchal standards, unrealistic expectations, and self-doubt—things that indicate your potential to fail yourself or others.

They elaborate that there are two main types of stressors: controllable and uncontrollable. Controllable stressors are things like self-doubt or health issues—there are steps you can take to eliminate these types of stressors. Uncontrollable stressors are things like misogyny or external barriers that hinder your ability to meet goals or expectations—no matter what you do, you can’t eliminate them.

(Shortform note: Adding to the authors’ classifications of stressors as controllable and uncontrollable, experts have proposed other ways to categorize stressors that may be helpful. First, they classify stressors as either physiological or psychological. Physiological stressors are things that put strain on your body, such as overexertion, pain, or injury. Psychological stressors are events, situations, people, or anything that you interpret negatively—for example, losing your job. Second, they classify stressors as either absolute or relative. Absolute stressors are things that anyone would interpret as stressful, like natural disasters. Relative stressors are things that some people might interpret as a stressor but others wouldn’t, like paying taxes.)

The authors recommend a few techniques that will help you overcome both types of stressors. If the stressor is controllable, you can either make a plan to overcome it or change your expectations and measures of success. If the stressor is uncontrollable, you can either find value in the barriers that are hindering your progress or accept that some goals and expectations are unattainable and move on. Let’s explore each technique in detail.

Technique #1: Make a Plan

As noted, the authors explain that stressors emerge from the realization that we might fail in some way. But if your stressor is controllable, you can overcome it by devising a plan that will ensure you meet your goal. Coming up with a plan will show your brain that your goal is possible, and the threat of failure (the stressor) will go away. The authors recommend doing this by analyzing the problem that’s hindering your progress or success and brainstorming solutions to that problem.

How to Make a Plan

The authors explain that making a plan relieves stress because it makes success more attainable. In Extreme Ownership, former SEAL officers Jocko Willink and Leif Babin go a step further—they claim that making a plan is crucial to achieving success and lay out concrete steps for how to do so.

• Define your goal. Specifically state what you want to accomplish or what problem you want to solve.

• Review your options. Brainstorm the possible ways that you can accomplish your goal and the resources you have available to you, like time, assets, and people who might be able to help.

• Solidify your plan. Based on your possible courses of action and the resources you have available to you, choose the best plan and flesh out the details. Ask others who may have a more objective view for help if possible.

• Minimize risks. Consider problems that could emerge and disrupt your plan or threaten your success. Make a contingency plan for how you’ll handle these problems should they arise.

Technique #2: Change Your Perception of Success

The authors explain that sometimes we set unrealistic time expectations for ourselves and our slower-than-expected progress can be a stressor. When you’re making slow progress due to unrealistic time expectations, redefine your expectations and perceptions of success. If you give yourself a more realistic time frame and celebrate small successes along the way, your goal will seem more attainable, the incremental feelings of accomplishment will keep you motivated, and the fear of failure will diminish.

For example, you might have the unrealistic expectation to lose 10 pounds in one month but only lose two pounds. In this situation, create a more realistic time expectation (like losing five pounds in two months), and celebrate the smaller successes you’ve made along the way (like sticking to your regular workout routine for two weeks straight).

(Shortform note: In The 10X Rule, Grant Cardone offers the exact opposite of the Nagoskis’ advice: Instead of lowering your expectations and being looser with your definition of success, Cardone advises raising your expectations and setting goals that are 10 times as ambitious as you think they should be. He argues that achieving small, manageable goals won’t make you feel satisfied because you’ll know that you didn’t do much. On the other hand, if you set outrageously high goals, you’ll feel proud even if you don’t fully achieve them because you’ll still have accomplished more than if you were aiming low.)

Technique #3: Value the Barriers

Sometimes, stressors are uncontrollable barriers that slow our progress toward a goal and make us feel like we might never succeed. In these situations, the authors recommend finding value in the barrier—consider the lessons you might be able to learn from the experience or how it might help you grow as a person. If you find value in the barrier, your brain will stop viewing it as a stressor. Instead, it’ll be an added bonus on your journey toward your goal and empower you to push forward.

For example, working with a misogynistic person can be frustrating and can slow your progress when working together. Oftentimes, stressors like these are uncontrollable—you can’t change the other person’s personality and biases, but you can learn to value the lessons you learn from your interactions with them. Maybe their misogynistic behavior has helped you increase your conflict management skills or your ability to stay calm in frustrating situations.

Practicing a Stoic Mindset Can Relieve Stress

The authors explain that barriers become stressors when we interpret them negatively as something preventing us from reaching success. To eliminate barriers as stressors, we should instead try to find value in them. In The Obstacle is The Way, Ryan Holiday explains that choosing to view obstacles in a positive way is a major tenet of the Ancient Greek Stoic problem-solving mindset. Like the authors, Holiday says that adopting this mindset will help you make the most of any situation while avoiding stress and anxiety.

Holiday’s perspective on the Stoic problem-solving worldview can be condensed into two basic truths that will help you avoid stress and achieve success whenever you face barriers in life. First, no event is inherently good or bad—events and barriers are neutral, and it’s your interpretation of them that makes them negative and causes stress. So instead of judging obstacles as inherently good or bad, try to view them as they are: neutral.

Second, you can choose to see every problem as an opportunity. Once you see an event or obstacle neutrally, you’ll have a higher capability to identify the opportunities it presents. This will help you overcome the obstacle at hand and other obstacles you’ll encounter in the future.

You can prevent unnecessary stress and better equip yourself to overcome obstacles by adopting these truths into your mindset.

Technique #4: Consider Moving On

The authors explain that some goals are simply unattainable and that it’s unhealthy to hang on to them. Instead, you need to let go and move on. If you don’t, you’re likely to get stuck in a painful in-between area where you want something that you know isn’t possible and continue to make futile attempts to reach it.

For example, imagine you have a naturally slender build but want the curvy figure you see all over social media. After nearly a year of working out, you realize that this image isn’t attainable for your body type. In this situation, let go of the impossible goal and stop pointlessly over-exerting yourself to reach it. Instead, the authors recommend practicing self-compassion, which we’ll discuss in the following section.

(Shortform note: The authors say that moving on is the best option to eliminate stress when your goal is unattainable. However, experts explain that moving on might be the best option to eliminate stress even if your goal is attainable. They note five specific situations where you should probably move on from attainable goals: (1) Your goal is no longer that important or beneficial to you. (2) The process of achieving the goal interferes with your values, like having enough time to spend with family and friends. (3) The goal or reward isn’t worth the stress and energy the process costs you. (4) You’ve invested copious amounts of time, money, and resources with few returns. (5) The risks of continuing outweigh the benefits of succeeding.)

How to Recover From Burnout

The authors explain that no matter how good you are at managing your stress and stressors, you may still experience burnout from time to time. However, knowing how to recover from burnout will get you back on your feet faster and make you more resilient against burnout in the future.

The authors explain that there are four tools that will help you recover from and build resilience against burnout: practicing self-compassion, finding a larger meaning to your life, forming a loving support system, and getting proper rest.

(Shortform note: Experts agree that learning how to recover from stress and burnout is one of the best ways to build resilience against stressors in the future. They add that this resilience will also give you a greater appreciation of life, your family, friends, and other matters you deal with. The authors recommend building resilience by practicing self-compassion, connecting to a larger meaning in life, spending time with your support system, and getting proper rest. Experts elaborate that creating a routine out of these recovery techniques is one of the most effective ways to boost resilience. For example, make it a habit to write compassionately to yourself in a journal every day.)

Tool #1: Practice Self-Compassion

The authors explain that the most important factor in successfully avoiding burnout and thriving is to have self-compassion. They explain that every woman has a manic voice in their head that tries to manage the gap between who they are and who the patriarchy expects them to be—this is the voice that tells you you’re not enough but rages at the external pressures around you that make you feel that way. To practice self-compassion and shake off the intense self-criticism and toxic perfectionism women are prone to, you must personify and befriend your manic inner voice.

(Shortform note: In The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle similarly claims that every person has a voice in their head that analyzes what’s going on around them, comments on their interactions, dwells on the past, speculates about the future, complains, judges, and self-criticizes. But while the authors of Burnout only talk about women’s experience with this voice and say that it’s a result of the patriarchy, Tolle says that everyone has this voice in their head, that it’s the voice of our ego, and that it’s a result of being human. Although Tolle disagrees with the authors’ claim that the ego is caused by societal factors like the patriarchy, he explains that societal pressures shape how the ego judges you and others.)

The authors recommend that you imagine your manic voice as a friend sitting beside you whenever you feel triggered by a stressor. This will help you see your expectations and emotions objectively, allowing you to more accurately judge whether they’re rational or not. Personifying these thoughts and feelings will also help you show yourself the same compassion and support that you would show a friend—you can either encourage yourself to keep going or remind yourself to lower your unrealistic self-expectations. This will ultimately create a gap between you and the thoughts and emotions that lead to burnout.

(Shortform note: In A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle agrees that detaching from this inner voice, what he calls the ego, is necessary to reach a state of inner peace and self-compassion that’s free from negativity and stress. The authors recommend doing this by personifying the thoughts and emotions that crop up when we’re triggered by a stressor, analyzing whether they’re rational or not, and being compassionate toward the voice. However, Tolle recommends ignoring these thoughts and emotions altogether—rather than spending time thinking about them, recognize that they’re the voice of your ego and let them pass. Over time, this will make you less susceptible to stress.)

Tool #2: Find Meaning in Life

The authors explain that having meaning in life, or some larger purpose, is another important tool that will help you avoid and recover from burnout. Having a larger purpose enhances your well-being and makes you more resilient—you’re able to contextualize stressors and realize that in the grand scheme of things, they’re not that important. And if you do end up facing burnout, having a larger purpose will give you the hope and direction you need to persist.

They elaborate that a larger purpose is usually one of three things: (1) working toward an ambitious goal that will leave a legacy, (2) progressing down a spiritual path, or (3) having meaningful emotional connections with others. Or, your larger purpose could be a combination of any of these three things.

The “Finding Meaning” Theory of Happiness

In Sapiens, Yuval Noah Harari explains that the authors’ assertion—that having meaning in life is important to find happiness, avoid burnout, and increase reliance—is one of the most prominent theories that explains how humans find happiness. It’s called the “finding meaning” theory of happiness.

He explains that we can trace this theory back to our ancient ancestors who relied heavily on religion as a higher meaning. Religion promised bliss in the afterlife for those who devoted themselves to it, which gave people motivation to overcome the struggles of primal life and a reason to remain hopeful. This aligns with the authors’ second classification of higher meaning—progressing down a spiritual path.

Harari elaborates that while people tend to be more secular in today’s society, we can still see this theory reflected in processes like parenthood. Harari explains that while the individual tasks of parenthood—changing diapers, dealing with temper tantrums, and washing dishes—are unpleasant, many people say parenthood is the most rewarding thing they’ve done. “Finding meaning” theorists say this is because it gives these parents a higher purpose—caring for another person and raising their child to be a good person. This higher meaning aligns with the authors’ first and third classifications—leaving a legacy that carries on after them (their child), and forming meaningful emotional connections with others.

Tool #3: Form a Loving Support System

The authors assert that having a steady, loving support system is also crucial to avoiding and recovering from burnout. This is because connection is a vital component of human existence—we can’t survive without it—and caring for others reminds us to care for ourselves.

They elaborate that human emotion is contagious—we end up syncing our emotions, speech, and even heartbeats with the people we spend time with. So when we spend time with someone who we share a loving, intimate relationship with, we can recharge our emotional battery.

The authors explain that these types of intimate relationships are characterized by two things:

1. A balance of give and take, where we trust the other person to reciprocate the resources (like love and attention) that we give them
2. An empathetic connection where both parties are able to set aside their perspective (judgments, criticisms, personal needs, and so on) and see things from the other person's perspective instead

How to Identify a Toxic Relationship

The authors explain that spending time with people you love is beneficial to preventing and recovering from burnout. They emphasize that these relationships need to have two components: (1) a balance of give and take, and (2) an empathetic connection. However, experts explain that people can sometimes be blinded by love and think that their relationship has these components when in reality, the relationship is toxic. They elaborate that because our emotions are so heavily influenced by the people we spend time with, as the authors explain, being around these toxic people can actually make our stress worse. Toxic relationships can be with romantic partners, friends, family, and even coworkers.

To see through the blinding effect of love and make sure you’re spending time in truly supportive relationships, experts recommend looking at patterns over time. Relationships that lack balance and empathy will have recurring episodes where one partner undermines, disrespects, competes with, or harms the other. Whether these behaviors are intentional or unintentional, they indicate that the relationship lacks balance and empathy and might be toxic.

If you think that you might be in a toxic or abusive relationship, you can contact the US National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

Tool #4: Get Proper Rest

The authors explain that if we don’t get proper rest, we will run ourselves into the ground and inevitably face burnout. Rest is a time when we stop using the part of us that’s getting worn out so it can renew itself. There are three main types of rest that accomplish this purpose: daydreaming, switching tasks, and sleeping.

The authors explain that daydreaming is important because your brain is designed to switch back and forth between focused attention mode and rest mode (daydreaming). This oscillation allows you to reach peak productivity. If you start feeling overworked or burnt out, take a break from focused attention mode (the mode used when working) and do a menial task like washing dishes that allows your brain to wander. You’ll often gain new insights from this daydreaming that will spark your creativity.

But the authors explain that sometimes, your brains want to be in focused attention mode and that daydreaming can be too boring. When this happens, you can switch tasks so that you’re still using your brain, but using a different part of it. For example, if you feel burnt out from completing work tasks, take a break and do something that requires focus but is enjoyable, like painting or completing a puzzle.

The Two Modes of Thinking: Diffuse and Focused

In A Mind For Numbers, Barbara Oakley refers to these two modes of attention as “focused” and “diffuse.” Like the authors, Oakley explains that your brain is naturally designed to switch between these two modes and that doing so is how we reach peak productivity. However, she provides slightly more detail than the authors do by explaining what’s going on in your brain during each of these attention modes.

Focus-mode thinking is primarily associated with the left hemisphere of the brain. When you’re in this mode, your thoughts travel rapidly along short pathways that connect with other concepts in your mind that are closely related. Diffuse-mode thinking is primarily associated with the right hemisphere of the brain. In this mode, thoughts traverse longer neural pathways between more diverse concepts. Diffuse mode thinking allows you to subconsciously process information gathered during focus-mode thinking but in a different way. This is why it can provide us with new insights, as the authors explain, and help us solve problems that we might have been hung up on while in focus mode.

Finally, the authors say that your body needs an average of eight hours of sleep per night to function properly. Sleep is the time when your body heals from the damage of the day, your brain grows and learns, and your emotions are processed and regulated. Not getting enough sleep can damage both your physical and mental health.

(Shortform note: The authors suggest that your body needs an average of eight hours of sleep every night to be fully rested and avoid damage to your health. However, experts explain that this number fluctuates based on factors like age, health, and energy level. For healthy adults between the ages of 18 and 64, seven to nine hours of sleep per night should be sufficient—the author's recommendation of eight hours falls into this range. However, the amount of sleep we need decreases with age—newborns need a minimum of 14 hours while teenagers need eight to10, and older adults over 65 need only seven or eight hours of sleep. Experts add that people with health issues or jobs that are labor-intensive or high-stress may need to add an hour or two to these estimates to be sufficiently rested.)